Brittany.
She's the one person in the entire world who can handle me at my absolute
worst.
"You look good today." she said to me as we ate lunch outside at a picnic table.
"Thanks." I replied quietly as I pushed around my the contents of my salad.
Brittany comes to visit me every Tuesday during visiting hours. I've been here for fifty-five days so that makes today her sixth visit. She wasn't allowed to come the first week due to me having to detox.
Brittany and I met when we were just little kids. I think we were about eight years old. I found her sitting under the playground crying at recess.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked when I noticed the little blonde sitting under the slide hugging herself tightly with tears in her eyes.
"Katie Stretch told everyone I peed my pants but I just went down the slide and it was wet. Now no one wants to be my friend. They all think I'm stupid." She told me as she wiped her eyes.
"Katie Stretch is a jerk." I told her. "You're not stupid. I'll be your friend." I crouched down beside her wiping the dirt off her knees. "Come on." I held out my hand for her to take which she did as she perked up a bit. I led her out from under the slide still hand in hand. "Let's go to the swings!" I said with
a huge smile.
"Watch out! Brittany might pee her pants again and get the swings all wet!" Katie teased as she began to walk away laughing loudly. She started to walk passed us as I stuck my foot out causing her to trip and fall on her face. Her face instantly contorted and she began to cry.
"Leave Brittany alone!" I yelled at her.
She got up and wiped the dirt from her clothing. "I'm telling the teacher you just tripped me!" She threatened as she wiped her eyes.
"I don't care. I'll tell her you were picking on Brittany!" I snarked back. Katie grew red in the face and stomped away angrily. "Don't worry Brittany, I'll protect you from people like her." I said softly as I took her hand in mine and drug her over the the swings.
Brittany and I were attached at the hip from that day on. We always looked out for each other. We were always sleeping over each other's houses on the weekends. We had your typical childhood friendship. However, high school made things a little more complicated.
When we were thirteen, neither one of us had ever kissed a boy before. And so we did what we thought any other teenage girl did in our shoes. We practiced on each other. Our kisses we were sloppy at first but that was to be expected. She was my first kiss and I was hers but at the time, we decided that our kisses didn't count. My "first" kiss was with Danny Bryson. He was
on the football team and we kissed during a game of spin the bottle. Brittany's first kiss was with Carl Johnson. He was a science nerd but Brittany liked him so I was supportive.
They were just kisses. Nothing more.
When we entered high school, she and I joined the cheerleading squad, the cheerios. It was then that we became friends with one of the most popular, most envious girls in school, Quinn Fabray. She made Britt and I royalty at the school. There were always boys fawning over us and we just got to pick who we wanted to flaunt on our arm. I tested out several guys until I landed on one solid one, Noah Puckerman. He was on the football team as well but on top of that, he was one of McKinley's bad boys.
It was innocent with him at first but not for long. Soon enough, I found myself naked underneath him giving myself fully to him. In movies they always make your first time seem so magical. In reality, it was awkward and it hurts like hell. Call me naive but I thought it was going to make me feel different, like a grown up. It didn't. I didn't feel anything from it.
I lost my virginity first and inevitably, Brittany soon lost hers after mine to someone who didn't go to our school. She met him when we went away on a Cheerios camping trip along with other schools. She says that he just climbed in her tent and voila! Whatever that meant.
Puck, that's what we called him, was a bit of a player and I didn't spark his interest long enough for him to stick around. Brittany just seemed to bounce from partner to partner. It wasn't until one Friday night when me and Britt
were at my house alone while every other person our age was out on a date did things take a turn. At first, we just kissed like we had done several times before but the need to feel closer to someone consumed us both. Not long after, Brittany and I were completely naked in my bed shivering with each touch of our skin.
We chalked it up to just experimenting but we both knew it was more than that. It wasn't like when I slept with Puck. This was different. It was like two puzzle pieces molding together in perfect form. This made me feel different but like I said before, I didn't like to talk about feelings.
Sleeping together became a regular thing for us. It was like our little secret. Of course, just like any friends with benefits, sleeping together without feelings doesn't last very long.
It's safe to say that in high school, Brittany was what saved me.
Talking about feelings was my biggest fear. I didn't like the feeling of being vulnerable, not even with Brittany. However, she wanted me to tell her how I felt about our relationship. She needed me to. So I told her, I was in love with her.
It took us some time and a few obstacles to be together but when it finally happened, it was magical. We were officially together for about a year. That year was the best year of my life. It was perfect. I had Brittany and she had me. She was mine.
She was mine.
She was.
Was.
Unfortunately, Brittany had to repeat her senior year leaving us both in different places. Long distance relationships never work out and so when I realized that our love was depleting, I ended it. I didn't want to risk the chance of us hating each other.
We're just friends now. I think I probably screwed up every chance of us being together ever again but I guess just being her friend is better than not having her in my life at all.
After we broke up, I tried to just focus on my schoolwork and being a cheerleader in college. It worked to a little while and it was helpful that I was miles away but soon enough, I learned that college wasn't for me. Nothing about college mattered when you couldn't build a future with someone you love so I dropped out. Nothing, I mean nothing could prepare me for when I learned that she had started dating someone else.
Me, of course, went back to Lima for one last attempt at getting her back. I tried making her jealous by hiring one of my fellow ex-cheermates to pretend to be my girlfriend but she saw right through me. That's one of the downsides of dating your best friend; they know you so well. So I moved to New York.
That's what I originally wanted to do but my mom talked me into going to college. I figured new place, new start and that I could slowly wipe the sting of Brittany off of me and move on.
That's pretty much where my story begins.
Now, I don't want to sound like I blame Brittany for my downward spiral. I don't. It's not her fault at all. It's my own damn fault.
Instead of coming to New York to find opportunity and adventure, I was crippled with loneliness and the constant ache of where Brittany used to be. I worked several jobs one being a bartender at the Coyote Ugly bar and that's where I met Sophia.
She was a bartender there also and aspiring to be a model. She had ins with the famous crowd so it was perfect for me as I was an aspiring singer. She was beautiful. She had long brown hair, green eyes, long toned legs, and even more toned abs. On our second date, she took me to a party.
It was a VIP party where only certain people got to attend. It was at a club in Queens and man, it was like being in royalty. There was every kind of alcohol there that you could imagine and it was dark for the most part except for the walls that were lit up different neon colors. She took me to a back room that had four or five other people in there.
"Hey Joey." Sophia said to a man who was sitting in the far corner. He was Latino, like me, and he was wearing a grey wife beater, blue jeans, and work boots.
He stood up and hugged Sophia. "Hey girl!"
"Joey, this is Santana. Santana, this is Joey. He takes care of me." She said smiling at him.
"Nice to meet you." He stuck his hand out and I reciprocated shaking his hand giving him a smile.
"Same." I said.
Joey leaned into Sophia's ear. "Hey, I got some shit. You want some?" He asked not so quietly.
"Yeah." Sophia said as her eyes light up. "Come on Santana." I followed her and Joey to a round table in the corner where Joey was just sitting previously. I didn't know what was going on until Joey pulled out a bag that contained a white substance. I froze initially because I had never actually seen cocaine in real life. I'd only ever seen pictures. I watched as Joey drew out three lines on the table.
"What are you doing?" I asked Sophia when she took the rolled up dollar
bill from Joey's hand and put it to her nose.
"Relax. It's all cool." She said placing her hand on mine.
"That's cocaine." I said causing Joey and Sophia to chuckle.
"Uh, yeah. We know." She laughed. "Relax, I don't do this all the time. It just helps me unwind and relax so I can have fun. It's no big deal." She assured me as we locked eyes and stared at each other for a moment. After I didn't respond, she took the rolled up dollar bill and used it to snort the white line in front of her. "Aww, yeah." She said as she wiped the remnants off her nose. "Want some?" She asked me holding out the rolled up dollar bill to me. "Try some. It'll help you relax and have a good time. You look like you need a good time, baby." She cooed. I stared at the bill intently pondering on what my next move should be. I did need a good time and I was so tired of thinking all the time. I just wanted to forget. "I promise you, nothing bad will happen." She told me placing her hand on my knee.
I gulped and reached for the bill. Sophia smiled at me and placed her hand on my back as I bent down and snorted the substance up my nose.
The burn. That was the first thing I felt. My eyes welled up with tears as my nose felt like it was on fire. And then the euphoria came. Suddenly, all I could feel was excitement and happiness. Every nerve, every ounce of sadness, every ounce of loneliness was gone. It made me forget. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this happy before.
The downside was that it didn't last long. The effects wore off about thirty minutes later and I began to feel worse than I did before.
So we did another line.
And then another.
And another.
I don't remember the rest of that night. I just remember waking up naked next to Sophia in a strange bed. The euphoria was gone but the craving for more was definitely there.
"Hey, are you okay?" Brittany asked breaking me out of my thoughts.
"Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking." I told her with a smile.
"Thinking about what?" She asked before taking a bite of her salad.
I didn't want to tell her that I was thinking about her, about Sophia. I think it's fair to say that Brittany knew that I was still in love with her and I knew that she was still in love with me. But things were different now. I didn't feel like I even worthy of her love anymore. I can sit here and say that she broke
my heart but the truth is, I broke hers worse than I can even fathom and for that, I'll never forgive myself.
"They're starting to do one on one sessions soon. I was wondering if you would come in for them. It'll be helpful for us." I explained. I was entirely lying. That's actually something I wanted to ask her today.
"Sure." She said giving me a small smile.
"Great." I nodded turning my attention back to my salad.