"Brittany, it's nice of you to be able to join us today."
A week passed since her visit and since they were now having family members and other people in our lives come in for therapy as well. Tuesdays were now therapy sessions with us.
"I'm Dr. Thurman, Santana's counselor. I've been doing sessions with her since she got here. It's nice to finally meet you. I've heard alot about you." She said as she shook Brittany's hand. Brittany smiled softly while nodding. "Any questions before we start?" She asked us and we both shook our heads. "Okay, well tell me how you're relationship has been since Santana's been in treatment."
Brittany looked at me for a brief moment before clearing her throat. "It's uh, it's been okay." Brittany replied shyly.
"Okay, do you feel that Santana is making progress?" she asked after nodding her head.
Brittany nodded before giving me a small smile. "Yeah, I think that she's starting to return to the old Santana again."
Dr. Thurman nodded as she began jotting notes down on her clipboard. "And what was the old Santana like?"
"Sweet, charming, hard headed." She listed carefully while smiling at the memories. "Santana always wanted everyone to percieve her as tough but she was mush inside when she allowed herself to be. She had this huge heart that she only let certain people see." She explained staring at the wall.
"Did she let you see it?"
"Yeah." Brittany nodded before pursing her lips. "For awhile I was the only person she let see it."
"How did you learn about Santana's drug use?" she asked intently sitting down in her chair and holding her pen up to her mouth.
"Our friends, Santana's roommates called me." Brittany said motioning between us.
"And you were away at school at the time? MIT?" she scribbled more notes onto her clipboard before looking up.
"Correct." Brittany said before swallowing thickly
"And when they called you, what did they say?"
Brittany took a breath before looking to me for reassurance. I gave her a small nod encouraging her to be honest and open. "They told me that Santana was on a destructive path and I needed to come talk to her." She explained shakily. "They said that she was working as a stripper at a bar and that she wouldn't come home for days. I don't think they knew about the drug use at the time." She clasped her hands together and dropped her gaze to them.
"How did that make you feel?"
"It was really hard to believe." She shook her head. "That's not Santana. For a moment I thought that maybe they were overreacting but deep down I knew from the way they sounded that something was wrong." She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them. "So I went to New York. I had to see for myself."
"Yeah, baby! Shake it!" A group of guys cheered as I shook my ass before climbing the pole and hung upside down.
Sophia and I got fired from the bar after getting caught having sex in the back room. Of course we were too high to care. But as we came down from our high and the drugs were running out, we knew we were fucked. Our drug dealer suggested that we come work for him at some strip joint in Queens and I course was intinially like hell no but I needed money. I swore that I spend the money my parents gave me for graduation on drugs so I needed a job. It had it's perks though because he'd often pay us in drugs. I wasn't prejudice about different kinds of drugs at this point. Anything that could get me high would suffice.
On the weekends we'd use crystal meth because you feel high for a long period of time, longer than cocaine, and you don't really feel the need to sleep. We'd work at the club and then party, pull an all-nighter and go to work again. It was glorious. Of course if I could, I'd have all girls fawning over me and slipping dollars into my thong instead of men but beggers can't be choosers.
Rachel and Kurt didn't know about my job until an acquaintance of theirs saw me stripping here one night. Of course they confronted me about it and told me that I was throwing my life away. What did they know? They had potential futures ahead of them. As much as I hate to admit it, Berry is broadway bound. She's set. And Kurt, he's doing great in school so he'll have a huge future ahead of him. As for me, I didn't know what I wanted. I thought it would be easier to make it out here but now it seems impossible.
After arguing with them in an endless battle, I told them to mind their own business and I stormed out. That was a few days ago and I guess they got the hint because they haven't said anything since. I just hope they continue to leave me alone.
"Santana!" my boss yelled to me after I climbed down the pole and into the dressing room. "Lap dance, booth three. Now." I sat in my chair and freshened up quickly before making my way to the booths.
The booths were private areas and clients would order lap dancing. I normally dreaded that because it was always some old man who couldn't get anything anywhere else. I'd usually use really quick in the bathroom so I wouldn't feel anything. If I didn't, you'd find me crying in a bathroom stall. I hated having man hands all over me, groping me, making me feel violated. It was degrading but I was having a good day today so I didn't want to cry.
Luckily, I used before I went on stage so I was still good to go. I found booth three and stepped in but quickly froze when I saw who was sitting in the chair.
"Brittany.."
"What went through your mind when you saw Brittany sitting there?" my therapist asked as I cringed at the memory.
"Initially shock." I told them. "And then shame."
"What about you, Brittany?" she then asked.
"It was a world wind of emotions. It felt like a nightmare. Only it wasn't." She explained breathlessly.
"Wh-what are you doing here?" I asked after a moment of silence as we both soaked up each other's presence.
"I should ask you the same thing." she replied sternly. "Stripper, Santana, seriously?" she then chided me. "What is going on with you?"
If I wasn't sober before, I definitely was now. Seeing Brittany sucked all the bliss out of me and I couldn't help but feel ashamed for everything I'd been doing. I didn't want her to see me like this. Her of all people.
"Come on, I'm getting you out of here. Let's go." She said stepping towards me and grabbing my arm.
I jerked my arm away quickly. "I'm not going anywhere." I said sternly. "Why are you here?"
"Rachel and Kurt called me. They were right, you are on a destructive path." She told me.
"I'm fine." I said through gritted teeth. "Go home, Brittany." I said locking eyes with her.
She pursed her lips for a moment before reaching in her pocket. "Fine." She said shaking her head. "If you want to have guys grope your ass for a living, then fine." She stepped closer so that our faces were inches apart. "But you're better than this, Santana. I just hope you realize that before it's too late." She took my hand and placed a wad of cash into it. "For the lap dance." She said before brushing passed me and leaving the booth leaving me standing there stunned.
When I finally regained my composure, I immediately grabbed my purse and locked myself in a bathroom stall. I sifted through my purse searching for the small baggie of meth I was given yesterday and my rolled up dollar bill.
When I found them, I pulled out my small mirror and drew out a line before snorting it up into my nose. The high came quick and I no longer felt the sting of Brittany's visit on my skin. I no longer thought about her kisses and her sweet smile. I no longer thought about what her skin felt like on mine everytime we made love. I no longer thought about the ache in my heart where she once was. It was all pure bliss. I threw everything back in my purse and left the bathroom heading back to work.
Instead of staying out and partying all night, I settled for going home and getting some sleep. Even though my confrontation with Brittany was brief, I felt more exhausted now than I did after a weekend of partying. I threw my purse on my bed and hopped in the shower but not before doing a line so that I could atleast stay awake for my shower.
When I got out and went back to my bedroom, I noticed my purse was missing from my bed. I just assumed that maybe I thought I put it back on my bed but I was just delirious from the drugs and exhaustion. I quickly got changed and then began to search for my purse when a voice startled me.
"Looking for this?" Brittany appeared in the doorway holding my purse. I glared at her before walking towards her and snatching my purse out of her hands. Sudden panic came over me as I dug through my purse which was filled with drug paraphernalia making sure she didn't look in it. "Are you okay?" She asked as I not so subtley rummaged through my purse.
"Y-yeah. Just looking for my chapstick." I nervously chuckled.
I was still really high from the line I did before my shower and I was trying my hardest to act sober.
"Oh." She said quietly. "Are you sure you're not looking for this?" I shot my head up and surely Brittany was standing there holding my bag of methamphetamine.
I froze for a moment. "Brittany, I, I-"
"Don't." She said holding her hand up to stop me.
I was more scared that she knew my secret than I was mad that she had gone through my things. "It's not mine. It's a friend's." I lied as I spoke frantically.
"Oh, okay. Sure. It's not yours." She said sarcastically. She slowly walked towards me until she was standing in front of me. "How long?"
"Britt, it's not-"
She cut me off. "How long?" She asked sternly.
"Six months." I said quietly.
"Jesus, Santana." She groaned as her hands flew to her head.
"It's fine. I have it under control." I felt myself slur.
"Oh, you have it under control?" She asked sarcastically seeing right through me.
"Yes!" I nearly yelled.
She shook her head and laughed. "You're so high right now, Santana." She looked me up and down before gulping. "You're so high."
I felt myself deflate then but I found the courage to reach for the bag but she pulled it out of my reach.
"This is mine now." She told me.
"Whatever. I can just go get more." I told her cockily.
"You know what," she grabbed my hand and placed the baggie in my hand just like she did the money. "Snort up." She gave me a smartass smile and turned on her heel leaving my room.
I looked down at the bag of meth in hand and closed my eyes. "Fuck." I said under my breath.
"When you walked out of her bedroom that night, what was going through your mind?"
"I wanted to help her." Brittany said quickly. "I was furious at her but I knew she needed me and I wasn't going to leave her alone until she stopped."
"Were you still in love with her then?" Dr. Thurman asked.
"Yes." She replied confidently.
"How about you, Santana?"
"Definitely." I replied just as confidently.
"And how about now?" Dr. Thurman asked crossing her legs. "Brittany, are you still in love with Santana?"