"And how about now?" Dr. Thurman asked crossing her legs. "Brittany, are you still in love with Santana?"
"Yes." She breathed out before swallowing thickly.
"Santana, are you still in love with Brittany?" Dr. Thurman asked turning to me.
"Yes." I said quietly.
My head hasn't stopped spinning since the counseling session on Tuesday. It was now Friday and I couldn't get Brittany's voice saying she was still in love with me out of my head.
She was still in love with me.
She still loved me after everything I've put her through.
I didn't deserve her. She should know that by now but in a selfish way I'm
glad she doesn't because I don't know what I'd do without her. She's the only person who has always remained constant in my life. Even if we aren't together, she's still my best friend.
I only have twenty-one days left here and even though I can't wait to leave, the thought of going back to my own life terrifies me. Brittany and I would have to talk without a mediator. I know I've hurt her, I can see it in her eyes. She holds back even though I promise her that anything she says, I won't be mad at her for it.
It wasn't just about Brittany, though. There were so many other strained relationships that I needed to repair. My parents found out about my drug addiction through Kurt and Rachel. They weren't pleased and we had a major blowout. I haven't talked to them since. They did, however, pay for my treatment so I was grateful for that.
Rachel and Kurt have seen some of the worst of it. They had to live with my mood swings and nights where I couldn't even walk straight. They've seen me at my worst and even though it's hard for me to admit it, I'm glad they stepped in.
I'd be lying to you if I said that I never wanted to use again. That's a big fat lie because even though I've been sober for sixty-nine days, the urges are still there. That's what scares me the most. What if I get out of here and I can't resist temptation? People here tell me that the urge to use might never go again.
As much as I love the euphoria of drugs, I love her more.
/
"How long were you there with her, Brittany? I mean how long was it from when you go there until she came here?" She asked curiously.
"It was about a week, I think." she replied clasping her hands together.
"Tell me about that week."
"Um, well, after the night I found the drugs, I tried to talk to her about it but she kept blowing me off like nothing was wrong." she explained glancing at me for a second.
"So this was the week before she came to rehab?" Dr. Thurman asked scribbling in her notebook. Brittany nodded and I tried to remember exactly what happened that week. "So your addiction pretty severe at this point, correct?"
"Yeah." I whispered bashed. "Before it was mostly just cocaine and sometimes meth but at this point, I would do whatever I could get my hands on."
"She was different and I could tell when she was really high and when she
was coming down from it. She was more herself when she was coming down from it." Brittany explained and it took me by surprise. "I thought that maybe if I used our relationship, I could get her back to herself."
"What do you mean by that?" Dr. Thurman asked.
"I know Santana better than anyone. That being said, I know her weaknesses. I knew from the look on her face when she saw me at the club the first time that she still loved me. I figured maybe if I could just get her alone, no talking, I could help her remember who she was with touch. It's a language we knew best." Brittany said cautiously. She kept glancing to me as if I was going to jump down her throat but I wasn't mad, just confused about where her feelings were that night.
"Do you mean intimacy?"
"Yes, sex." She confirmed.
"Wait, hold up." I said and Brittany slightly tensed. "You only had sex with me because you thought it would knock some sense into me?"
"Not exactly." She said quietly. "That was part of it but I had sex with you because I love you and I wanted you to know how much you are loved. Also because I missed you and missed being like that with you." She explained.
"So you had sex? When?" Dr. Thurman asked.
Brittany sighed. "It was a couple days after I found the drugs. Santana went out to a club and I followed her there. I wasn't going to give up on her that easily."
I remember most of that night. The beginning was a little fuzzy because I was really wasted early on. I don't remember anything really until I felt Brittany press her body flush against me on the dance floor.
I turned around knowing who the body was, I knew her touch. "Brittany what are you doing here?" I asked before my breath hitched as I took in her appearance. She was wearing a tight blue dress with black heels and her hair was down in bouncy curls.
"I came here to dance with you." She said simply as she shrugged her shoulders. I was so dumbfounded that I couldn't even say anything. "Dance with me." She whispered as she pulled me closer to her so that our lips were inches apart. Thank god Sophia wasn't here tonight because I don't think it would've gone over well. I mean, we weren't in love or anything. We mostly just used each other for sex and drugs. I knew that and she knew that. It was like a no strings attached kind of thing which I was grateful for because I wasn't ready to deal with feelings, obviously.
We stayed like that for a minute before I pushed her backwards. "I can't." I said as I walked away from her. Of course she followed me and I was about to go to the bathroom when she grabbed my arm pulling me to face her.
"Santana, stop." She said. "You can't run from me forever."
She was right, I couldn't. She was Brittany and I hated the fact that she saw right through me. I hated that she knew when I was lying or when something was wrong. I hated it.
I stared at her locking eyes with her. She was still the same old Brittany and I was definitely not the same old Santana. "What do you want, Brittany? Why are you still here?" I asked and she didn't even hesitate to answer.
She kissed me, hard as she pushed me up against the wall of the club. It took me by surprise and suddenly my entire body felt like it was going to burst into flames. I kissed her back and our lips molded together perfectly. It occured to me that this is what I've been missing for the past two years. Every intimate encounter I've had since we've broken up didn't compare to this and this was only a kiss. I felt her tongue slip passed my lips and I didn't even try to stop it. In this moment I felt higher than being on any kind of drug. My tongue found hers and they rolled together in perfect synchronicity. When the kiss broke, we stared into each other's eyes as we tried to catch our breath.
"Let's get out of here." I panted out. She pulled back to unpin me from the wall and we rushed out of there back to my apartment.
Once I stepped inside and shut the door, she pinned me to the wall again attacking my lips. I felt a little calmer that we were alone now but I was still in a state of oblivion as her hands roamed my body. She still remembers every spot on me that sent a jolt of electricity through my body. Our kisses were frantic at this point, moreso than they were at the club. She hoisted my
right leg up to wrap around her waist as she slipped her hand under my dress and brushed her fingers against my core. I broke the kiss to let out as squeaky moan as her lips made their way to my neck. She retracted her hand and grinded her thigh into me as she went back to kissing my lips. I pressed my tongue in her mouth as she moaned into the kiss and found the hem of my dress and pushed it up hooking her hands under my thighs. I got her cue and jumped up a little as she picked me up.
"Bed." I mumbled into the kiss. She turned us around and carried me to the bedroom before pinning me against my door again. She hooked my ankles together and let go of my legs to pull my dress over my head which I helped her with when she started to have trouble. Her face lit up when she found out I wasn't wear a bra and began to kiss my breasts. I felt my hips start to grind into her and she took that as a hint to move to the bed where she laid me down gently. She kissed me while moving her hands to the waistband of my panties before removing the offending material and throwing them to the side. I sat up and grabbed the hem of her dress and yanked it up where she quickly tore it off. She wasn't wearing a bra either and I licked my lips when her breasts came into sight. I leaned forward and kissed her stomach before pulling her panties down quickly as she stepped out of them.
She leaned down and attached her lips to mine signaling for me to crawl up further on the bed, the kiss never breaking as we crawled to the head of the bed. She opened my legs wide and ran her finger through my folds eliciting a loud moan from me before sticking her finger in her mouth sucking the juices off. I lay underneath her surrendering my entire body to her, letting her do whatever she wanted to me. She kissed down my body to my breasts where she wasted no time in taking a nipple in her mouth causing me to squirm underneath her. Her hand moved to my core again where she dipped her fingers in and explored my drenched center. I didn't even try to stiffle my moans as she continued to suck on my breasts and find the sensitive nub of nerves rubbing it in tight circles. My back arched off the bed when she inserted two fingers into me thrusting them in and out. It was slow at first but pretty shortly after she was pounding them into me leaving me a whimpering
mess under her.
"Oh, fuck!" I moaned out loudly as she slammed into me and flicked her tongue over my nipple. "Shit, don't stop." I panted out loudly as my walls started to clench down on her fingers. She slowed down a bit and used her thumb to rub circles on my clit as my jaw went slack and I arched my back. She wrapped her other arm around my waist to still me as I climaxed. My legs trembled as my chest heaved up and down, she was still rubbing me slowly to bring me down. I slowly brought my body back down fully on the bed as she retracted her arm from around my waist and moved up my body a little so she could kiss me.
"Just like I remember." She whispered against my lips. She straddled me again and looked down at her center briefly noticing she was ready for me. I broke the kiss and winked at her as I shimmied my body down then bed underneath her spreading her legs out further. I expertly situated myself so my face was right below her core. "San, what are you-oh fuck!" I grabbed her waist and pulled her down on my mouth running my tongue through her dripping folds. Brittany used to love this and so did I especially went she'd grind down on me coating my face with her juices. I ran my tongue over her clit causing her hips to jerk as she moaned and held onto the headboard for support. Once she was whimpering above me, I circled her entrance with my tongue before pushing it in. "S-san." She stuttered out shakily as I thrust into her again as deep as I could. Her hips began to move with me and I couldn't help but smile. God, she was so sexy when she did that. I felt her legs start to shake so I removed my tongue from in her and attached it to her clit. "Fuck fuck fuck!" She screamed out in pleasure. "Santana I'm gonna-oh my god!" She yelled as I felt her come in my mouth. I licked her clean before pressing a final kiss to her core. She shakily got off me before collapsing next to me. "That was amazing." She panted after a moment of trying to catch her breath. She leaned forward and caught my lips before we both drifted off to sleep.
Brittany is the only person who can make me feel whole when in reality I'm a complete mess. Nobody else makes me feel like I belong and lying here in her arms, it feels as though everything is right in the world. It's like I could be the worst person in the world and she would still love me unconditionally. No drug has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel when she's around.
But like everything else in the world, it doesn't last forever.
I woke up a couple hours later in a cold sweat. I was shaking and felt like I was going to throw up. I needed something. Brittany was fast asleep on my chest with her hand wrapped around my waist. I moved slowly from under her, careful not to wake her, and grabbed my purse before going into the bathroom. My hands were shaking so bad but I managed to find my bag of white powder drawing a line out and snorting it up my nose. Relief came instantly and I took a deep breath as the substance worked it's magic.
I couldn't fall back asleep after that so I just layed next to her and watched her sleep. She looked absolutely perfect and I knew in that moment that I didn't deserve her. She was too good for me. I was absolutely nothing. I was worthless. She deserved everything I couldn't give to her and it broke my heart to know that she was still in love with me. How can anyone ever love me?
"Did you two talk after this happened?" Dr. Thurman asked furrowing her brows.
"Uh, yeah. The next morning." I told her causing her to nod.
"What did you two talk about?" She asked.
Since I couldn't sleep because I was too high, I hopped out of bed and made us breakfast. Brittany must have smelt it because she came out of the bedroom in one of my long tshirts and shorts. I couldn't help but smile at her in my clothes.
"Good morning." She smiled at me.
"Morning." I smiled back. She came around the counter where I was standing holding a spatula waiting to flip the pancakes and kissed me on the lips. I wasn't as high as I was when I originally came down here. I was just buzzed now which I was thankful for because I didn't feel like arguing with her about it.
"Hungry?" I asked motioning to the stack of pancakes I was making.
"Starving!" She said as she went around the counter and sat down. I finished making our pancakes and we ate in silence.
"San.." She said quietly and I knew what was coming. She wanted to talk about last night. "I know that you hate talking about feelings but last night... was that a mistake?" She asked and I could sense the caution in her voice.
"It's never a mistake when we make love." I said quietly without thinking. It was like word vomit. That's what she did to me. I wasn't lying though. I never wanted her to think that it was just sex with us. We both know that's never been the case.
She smiled at me and nodded while looking down. "So what now?" She asked looking back at me.
"I don't know. What do you want to do?" I asked after thinking for a moment.
"I miss you, San, so much. Last night felt so right." She told me and I nodded back at her showing her that I agreed. "I want to be with you. I don't want to go back to school. I hate it there so much. I love you so much."
"I want to be with you too, Britt. You know I love you, too." I told her almost robotically.
I was a little stunned by her confession and a million thoughts ran through my head. I didn't know how to answer. Brittany was everything that I'd been missing. She was a big piece of me that without I felt empty. Still, I couldn't mask the fact that things were different now. I was different and not in a good way. I couldn't go without using anymore. If I did, I felt ill and I knew deep down what that meant. I couldn't let her see me like that.
"Let me help you, San." She interrupted my thoughts. "I know you've got a lot going on but we can get through it together. We can go to meetings or
whatever you need. You don't need drugs, Santana. You have me."
Maybe I could kick this habit with her. Maybe she was the key to my success. All I knew is that living without drugs was a scary feeling but living without her was horrifying.
I didn't know if fear would be enough though.
"Please." She begged and I could see the passion in her eyes. Brittany has always made me feel safe. She's always made me brave. "We can take it slow. Just promise me you'll try. Promise me you'll stop using." She said almost desperately.
I swallowed thickly and closed my eyes briefly before opening them. "Okay. I promise." She squealed and pulled me in for a kiss as the need-to-use sensation began to tumble over me.
"And did she keep her promise?" my therapist asked squinting her eyes like she was afraid to hear the answer.
I looked up at Brittany and noticed tears streaming down her face as she choked on a sob. "No." She sobbed out shaking her head.