Making Brittany cry was the worst feeling in the entire world. She got so choked up that she left. I felt myself breaking but refused to cry. I did this to her, therefore, I didn't deserve to cry and be upset. It was even worse to know that I couldn't even chase after her, pulling her into my arms, and tell her I love her. She probably wouldn't even have let me do that.
The worst part of it was that when I had made her that promise, I knew that I couldn't keep it. It was no longer a recreational thing, it hadn't been that way in a long time. I couldn't stop and I was a the point where I had dug myself into such a big hole that I didn't even know where I begin to dig myself out of it.
Nothing changed.
I still used, not as much as before but when I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I knew I needed something in my system. I didn't use as much as before either but I couldn't stop all together. I just needed a constant buzz and I figured that if I was buzzed all the time she wouldn't be able to tell the difference between when I was high and when I wasn't. However, whenever she asked me if I used, I lied and told her no.
That wasn't to say that I didn't want to be with her because I did. My world was lighter when she was around and I felt more like myself. I loved her more than anything else in this world and the fact that she wanted to be with
me was more than I could have hoped for. Yet, there was still things that I couldn't change overnight and quite frankly I was terrified. How do you tell someone that everything that they hated in a person was who they've become? How could I tell her that I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in drugs that I couldn't even tell you which way was up and which way is down? No. I needed to figure out a way around this without her finding out. I needed to get a handle on it myself but I couldn't do that overnight.
It was a vicious cycle, indeed because if I wasn't high, I felt guilty for lying to her and if I was high, I felt guilty for lying to her. I kept myself at a distance to shield her from who I was now. At night she'd hold me while we slept and I felt disgusted with myself because I didn't deserve to be held or loved.
I didn't use to kill the overwhelming loneliness I felt before. I used to take away the feelings that once Brittany saw me, it would kill her. Sobriety scared me because when you're sober, you can't run from who you've become.
I hadn't told Sophia about her but then again, she wasn't coming around much anymore. As far as I know she was doing some guy that was a customer at the club. Even if she did come around, I'd never cheat on Brittany. Ever.
I promised Brittany I'd quit my job as a stripper after I'd lined up a new job. I didn't look around for a new job that much because I knew that no other job would pay me like the club did. No other job would be happy to pay me in drugs. It wasn't about the money, I needed a high.
Brittany took me to my first NA meeting. All of these people have been sober for months or years and ironically, I went high on pills. The thing about cocaine and meth is that sometimes it can make you feel paranoid and I knew I needed to be calm throughout it. Not just for Brittany but because I knew that inevitably this is what my future looked like.
That scared me.
People have told me that Brittany thinking that I could just stop the drug use and be done with it was naive on her part but I think in her case it was just wishful thinking. Maybe she just didn't know what else to do. You can't force people to do something they don't want to do and I know Brittany knows that because I hid in the closet for years before I came out. And even when I did come out, it wasn't by choice. It was forced and it was ugly. It wouldn't have been so ugly if I had been allowed to come out on my own.
That's what this was. She was giving me a push but allowing me to come out on my own.
Nevertheless, that didn't change the fact that I had lied to her repeatedly. That night, when the lies finally came out, because they always come out, was probably the worst night of my entire life.
And at the same time, it was one of the better ones as well.
I just walked in the door from another night at the club. Brittany was probably asleep as usually being that it was two in the morning. The past few
nights everytime I've gotten home I'd slip in bed behind her and pull her into my hips causing her to stir. She'd turn in my arms and then straddle me where we'd make love for hours. She'd fall back asleep and then I'd feel the shakes and need to take something. It's been pills lately which often left me feeling foggy. Sex helped with that because the pills made me feel nothing but when Brittany touched me, I felt alive and nothing but pure bliss. I took a pill before leaving work and I was definitely feeling the effects now.
The last time I slept with Brittany when I was sober was three years ago right before our breakup. Sex was more intense then and even though I hated being sober, I missed that.
I hung up my coat in the closet and threw my purse in there as well. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water when I was startled by a shadow at the table. As I got closer, I could tell it was Brittany. She had her elbows on the table with her hands clasped as they rested against her face, like she was praying.
"Britt?" I asked softly. "What are you doing up? It's late." I squinted in the darkness, and through my high to see her. She didn't respond. She just sat there in a statue. "Baby, come to bed." I cooed trying to coax her up. Again she didn't move. "Britt?" I turned the light on to see her better but instantly regretted it because the light was bright against my dialated pupils.
She looked up at me and I could see hurt on her face. "Look at me." She said quietly. I looked down at ground for a few seconds before locking eyes with her. "You're high again." She said just above a whisper. I shifted uncomfortably as I broke eye contact. "I met Sophia today." She spoke softly after a minute. I swallowed thickly. Oh no. "She brought you this. She said you asked for it yesterday." She pulled out a small bag containing a white
substance and tossed it on the table. My heart began to race. Fuck. "I told her that's funny because I'm pretty sure Santana promised me she would stop or atleast try to and Santana doesn't break promises."
I couldn't defend this. I couldn't lie to her. The lie was sitting on the table.
"Britt-I" I stammered.
Brittany slammed her fists on the table causing me to jump. "Did you fuck her too, Santana?" She was angry.
"No!" I said defensively. That wasn't a lie. "I haven't seen her since you got here." I told her.
"Is she your girlfriend?" she asked quietly.
"No." I said sternly. "She used to be my friend with benefits, that's all." I explained trying to keep my voice in check.
"Why did you lie to me, Santana?" She asked sternly. "You lied.. to me. Why?" She asked raising her voice a bit and I could hear the hurt in it.
I winced. "I, I don't know." I shrugged.
"Yes you do. Stop lying to me." I said through gritted teeth.
"This isn't high school anymore, Brittany. You can't just show up and expect everything to be better." I huffed feeling my walls come up. "I'm not the same person I used to be."
"Yes you are, Santana." She said getting up from her seat. She walked over to me and grabbed the back of my neck pulling me into a deep kiss. I melted into it at first. Brittany's kisses always took my breath away. I pulled back a moment later but she held our faces inches apart. "You're still the same Santana." She whispered against my lips. "I know you're struggling right now but I promise you that we'll get through it."
I shook my head. "I'm not good enough."
"What? Yes you are Santana!" She said surprised. She cupped my cheeks in her hands. "You are the kindest, gentlest, most generous, most beautiful girl I've ever known and you deserve to be adored." She whispered forcing me to lock eyes with her.
I shook my head and tried to pry her hands away from my face but she held them still. "No."
"Yes." She cooed. "Tell me what you need me to do and I'll do it."
"There's nothing you can do." I said sternly.
"You're lying." She shook her head.
"I'm not. I can't be fixed, Brittany." I told her as her bottom lip started to tremble. "I think you should leave." I told her pulling her hands free of my face.
"What?" She asked as her eyes widened.
"Go back to school." I told her sternly.
She shook her head. "No. That's not what you want and you know it." Tears began to stream down her face and I bit back mine in order for her to realize that I was no good for her. She choked on a sob and sunk to the ground burying her head in my stomach her arms tight around my waist. "Tell me- tell me what you need. I'll do anything, Santana. Please." She begged as she sobbed. I couldn't hold my tears in anymore and they rolled thickly down my cheeks.
We sat like that for what seemed like hours. Finally I wiped my cheeks and took a deep breath. I pryed her arms from around me and stepped away from her walking towards my bedroom.
"Do you still love me, Santana?" She whispered causing me to halt.
"Yes." I said softly.
"Do you love me as much as you love drugs? You can't have both, Santana." She asked a little bit louder. I opened my mouth to answer but no words came out. I know this is shitty but in that moment, I didn't know how to answer that. The look she gave me could have just killed me right then and there. She looked utterly destroyed. It didn't last long, thank God. She stiffened and her expression became hard and unreadable. She snatched the bag of cocaine on the table and tossed it at me. "Fine. Here you go. Now you can snort up as much as you want because I'm done." She said sternly as she came a little closer so she was standing a few feet from me. "You hear me? I'm done! Don't call me, don't chase after me, don't even think about me. You want to do drugs? Well, congratulations, now you're free to do as many as you want. I hope you're happy." She turned on her heel and I heard some rustling around. Her luggage appeared by the door and I knew she was leaving.
"Brittany, no-I" I stammered as I choked on a sob.
"It's too late, Santana. You've made your choice, now I've made mine." She snarled echoing the words of my Abuela. Whether or not she did that purposely, I'm not so sure. She knew how painful that was and I don't think she was trying to throw it in my face but maybe she was to get a reaction from me.
Before I could even reply, she was gone.
A few days ago I have everything I'd ever wanted in my hands. Now there was just a bag of cocaine which in turn would be gone in a day.
My hands began to tremble as the pills I had taken started to wear off. My body started to sweat and I started to feel the nausea.
I needed a fix. I needed to forget what just happened. I just needed the pain to go away.
Cocaine only lasts a half hour. I needed something stronger and I was out of pills.
I grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels out of the fridge and took a long gulp coughing as the alcohol burned my throat on the way down. I found myself in the bathroom digging through the medicine cabinet to no avail. Frantically making my way to my bedroom I remembered something. Sophia left something in a tin can in my underwear drawer saying if I ever wanted something to make me feel so good, it was in there for me.
I stumbled to the dresser as the alcohol worked it's way into my bloodstream. Thank god I haven't eaten in a while, I felt the effects quicker.
When I found the tin can, I opened it examining it's contents which was a brown looking substance and a syringe. I knew what this was and I had never used it before but I'd seen numerous people, including Sophia use it. People told me that it took all their pain away so here in my weakest moment, I
surrendered to the drug letting it control me in anyway it wanted to.
The high was instant. As soon as I injected it into my arm, the pain was gone. It felt like I could finally rest after years of not being able to. I felt relaxed and that was all I thought about. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before.
And for the first time, everything went dark.