"Hey, I got us some coffee." It was Rachel's voice that woke me from my slumber. I must have passed out on the couch again although, this didn't feel like our couch and it most certainly didn't feel like my bed. I tried to open my eyes to see where the hell I was but they were heavy. I tried to shift my body but that felt heavier than my eyes felt. "I think she's waking up." There was Rachel's voice again. "Santana?" She called out to me and I felt her touch my hand. Rachel's never this nice to me. Why did I feel so heavy? I managed to open my eyes but everything was blurry. I could make out two shapes next to me and I blinked my eyes until they came into focus. It was Rachel and
Kurt and we were definitely not in our apartment. I surge of panic took over as I scanned my surroundings. This was a hospital. "Santana?" Rachel called out gently.
I tried to ask her what was going on but no words came out. "You're in the hospital." Kurt told me as he read my expression. "You overdosed." He explained. I was still really disoriented and I was trying so hard to remember what happened. "Here, take a drink." He held up a cup of water with a straw to my mouth and I hesitantly took a few sips. It felt good on my throat which felt really dry and raw.
"I'm going to get the doctor." Rachel said getting up from her seat and leaving the room.
"What happened?" I managed to whisper out. "How long was I asleep for?"
"Two days." He said as he held the cup up to my mouth again having me take a few more sips.
"What happened?" I asked again. He was about to answer when there was a knock at the door followed by Rachel and a doctor entering.
"Welcome back, Santana." He said with a small smile. "My name is Dr. Roth, I've been looking over you the past couple of days."
"What happened?" I asked for the third time now getting agitated.
"You were brought in about two mornings ago and you were unresponsive. We had to revive you." I saw Rachel's eyes instantly glaze over as Kurt pursed his lips. "You overdosed on heroin and you also had alcohol in your system which is lethal in conjuction to alcohol. You're lucky to be alive." He explained.
I still didn't understand what was happening. Heroin? I've never done heroin. The last thing I remember is eating breakfast with Brittany.
Brittany.
I froze as the events from two nights ago unfolded in my head. She figured out I was lying to her and she left. I needed something to take the pain away from being a disappointment yet again so I used the heroin Sophia gave to me. I didn't even use that much from what I can remember. Everything went black after that.
"I have you hooked up to some fluids as well as something to ease the withdraw symptoms. Now tell me, how long have you been abusing opiates and amphetamines?" He asked pulling out a pad and pen from his coat pocket. I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out. I didn't want to say this in front of Rachel and Kurt. "Oh, I apologize." He said turning to Rachel and Kurt. "Can you give us a minute?" They nodded and quickly left the room. He watched them leave and turned his attention back towards me. "I know this is hard, Santana but I need to know so that I can give you the proper medication you need to ease your detox." He explained
sternly but politely.
My heart sped up as I stared at him. "Six months." I said after a minute.
He nodded and jotted something down on his pad. "Everyday? Or occasionally?"
I took a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. "Everyday."
"Okay, we have you stabilized now. I need to ask you something and I want you to be honest. Don't be afraid to tell me the truth, okay?" He gave me a small smile and squeezed my hand. I just nodded afraid of what his next question was. "Did you intentionally try to harm yourself?" He asked so gently.
"No." I said sternly. "That was the first time I used heroin." I told him quietly.
"Okay, I just had to ask." He assured me as I nodded. "Have you thought about treatment?" I shook my head slowly. "Okay, I'm going to let you rest for a while and I'll come back in a few hours. Think about it, okay?" I gave him a quick smile and nodded as he got up and left the room.
A few minutes later, Rachel and Kurt came back in.
"How are you feeling?" Kurt asked me sitting back down in the chair he was in before. Rachel sat down in the chair next to him.
"Tired." I told him. "Where's Brittany?" I asked them quietly. "We had a fight and she left but I don't know where she was going." I explained.
"She's here. She went to go grab something to eat." He explained. "She um, she was the one who found you."
"No." I said shaking my head not wanting to believe that she had to see me like that. "Does she hate me?" I asked trying to keep my emotions in check.
"Santana, Brittany could never hate you." Rachel spoke softly. "You scared the hell out of her."
The door opened and all three of heads shot up. It was Brittany. "Yeah, okay, call me as soon as you know. I-" She was talking to someone on the phone when her eyes met mine and she froze. "I gotta go." She hung up the phone and practically jumped on top of me which startled me. "You're awake. I'm so sorry, Santana. I shouldn't have left you. I-" She was sobbing as she straddled me clutching tightly to my gown and burying her head in my shoulder.
"We'll leave you two alone." Rachel said as her and Kurt got up and left the room.
I hesitantly wrapped my arms around her waist as she continued to sob into my neck. "It wasn't your fault." I whispered in her hair. "It's okay, Brittany. I'm okay." I cooed rubbing her back. Her sobs turned to sniffles and she sat up.
"I could seriously beat the crap out of you right now!" She nearly yelled. "What the hell were you thinking, Santana? You were dead!" Angry tears were sliding down her face.
"I'm sorry, I, I wasn't thinking." I stammered bringing my hands to rest at my side.
"Were you trying to kill yourself?" Brittany whispered sadly.
"No!" I said sternly trying to sit up a little.
"I talked to your parents." She said softly as she got off of me and sat down in the chair Rachel was just sitting.
I swallowed thickly. My parents knew about my drug use prior to this. They came to visit a few weeks prior to Brittany showing up and it's safe to say it wasn't pretty. "What did they say?"
"They were concerned." She nodded. "We, um, we came up with a plan.. for you." She said hesitantly breaking eye contact.
"What do you mean?" I asked furrowing my brows.
"A plan to get you help." She stated locking eyes with me again.
I scoffed. "I'm fine, Brittany. I don't need help." I defended.
"Really? Because I found you dead on your bedroom floor." She said her eyes welling up with tears. "Don't tell me you have it under control because that proves you don't."
"Please, stop." I said shaking my head.
"I want you to come somewhere with me." She said standing up as I looked at her confused. "It's in the hospital." She explained. "Please?"
I stared at her for moment before nodding. "Okay."
"Are you okay to walk?" She asking pulling the covers off of me.
"Umm, I'm not sure. Help me up?" I asked holding out my hands which she immediately took and helped me up. I was a little wobbly as I stood up.
"We can get a wheelchair." She suggested.
I shook my head. "No, it's okay just don't let go of me." I told her. She nodded and wrapped her arm around my waist for support and used the other to wheel my IV drip.
We walked to the elevator which took us a few floors up. Brittany's arm never faltering to keep me on my feet as we walked down the hallway of the other floor. Brittany whispered something to the receptionist who nodded and called someone on the phone. A few moments later a nurse appeared.
"Hello, Brittany. It's been a while." The nurse smiled sweetly. "This way." She said and we followed her down a few different hallways until we stopped at one where the nurse pulled out keys and unlocked the door. "Molly, look who's here. It's Brittany."
We walked into a small room that was mostly bare besides a bed and a desk with a few books on it. There was a woman who looked to be in her early thirties rocking back and forth on the bed. "The farm. They're coming. They're coming." She kept chanting to herself. She finally looked up after a moment. "B-Brittany?"
"Hey Molly. How are you today?" Brittany asked smiling sweetly at the woman.
"G-good." She stuttered.
"This is my friend, Santana. Remember I told you about her?" She asked gently her smile never faltering. "Santana, this is my cousin Molly."
Molly looked me up and down before coming over to be and staring me right in face. "If you do bad things, they'll come for you." She then turned around and walked back over to her bed sitting down and resumed rocking back and forth.
"What's wrong with her?" I whispered to Brittany.
"She was addicted to drugs for a long time. After one too many trips on acid she became delusional and put a water pistol to her head and told everyone she was dead. She was convinced that she was dead for a month. She became so psychotic that she burnt her house down after that because she thought that her house was telling her to do bad things and that the devil was going to come and take her to hell. She's been here ever since. I come to visit her sometimes. I think I'm the only one who does." She explained her eyes never leaving her cousin.
"You've never told me about her." I told her shocked that there was this part of Brittany I never knew.
"Yeah, I know. No one knows I come to visit. It's like me and Molly's secret."
She said smiling a bit.
"HE'S COMING!" Molly then shouted as she ran to the window and was attempting to climb it.
"Shit." Brittany said running over to her cousin before hitting the nurse button. "Molly get down from there! You'll hurt yourself!" She said calmly as she grabbed her cousin's hips.
A few seconds later a team of doctors ran in grabbing Molly who was now screaming at the top of her lungs. My heart started beating furiously and I grabbed my IV and backed out of the room to the hallway where I leaned again the wall closing my eyes tightly as Molly's screams filled the floor. A few minutes later there was silence as the doctors and Brittany exited the room.
"That should keep her calm for a while." A doctor said to Brittany who nodded calmly. I'm guessing Brittany has seen this before because she didn't even flinch.
"Why did you bring me here?" I asked Brittany when she walked over to me.
"Because Molly was a lot like you, Santana. She was my favorite cousin growing up. She always had this light about her and she only let certain people see it. She was an incredible artist and it could have taken her places. Molly moved away when I was a teenager and I didn't see her for a few years. When I finally did, that light she had was burned out. That's when she
began abusing drugs." She explained looking me directly in the eyes. "I don't want your light to burn out, Santana and if you keep this up, sooner or later it will. I can't go through that again. You're too talented and smart and incredible to let that happen."
I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands trying to keep my tears in. I took a shakey breath and I needed to sit so I slid down the wall and crouched down. Brittany crouched down as well and took my face in her hands.
"Look at me, Santana." She said sternly. I sucked in a breath and opened my eyes staring into her blue ones. "You need help, Santana because if you don't get help now that's going to be you." Her eyes began to water and turn red making it harder for me to keep my tears in. "Your parents and I have a recovery center waiting for you if you're willing to go. Please.. please tell me you'll go."
"I-I can't." I said shakily as a tear rolled down my cheek.
"Why?" She asked brokenly.
"I just.. can't." I whispered. "Why can't you just give up on me like everyone else? Why can't you just hate me? I've been awful to you." I said as my voice started to crack.
"Because you're my best friend, San. You can push me away all you want but I'll always be here for you." She said through tears. "I don't like that you lied and that you hurt me so bad. I can't forgive you for that just yet. I hate
how bad it hurts but I could never hate you." She was really starting to cry now and it broke me. "You need help or you're going to die and you can't do that to me, San, I love you." She choked on a sob as she let out a shakey breath. "Why won't you just go and get the help you need?"
"Because I'm scared." I admitted as I began to sob.
"What if I promise to help you through this?" She asked and my eyes snapped up to hers. "I promise to be there with you every step of the way. I don't break promises. You know that. Please, Santana. Please. I need you." We sat there for a few minutes as we both sobbed for different reasons. She pressed her forehead to mine, her hands still holding my wet cheeks. After a few minutes I nodded against her.
"Okay." I said so quietly I doubt she heard me.
"You'll go?" She asked pulling away from me to look in my eyes. I nodded again as I let out a sob. She pulled me into her and held me tight as our bodies both racked with sobs. I clutched to her hoping that she could pull me through this, hoping that I could pull me through this.
To be honest, I wasn't exactly ready for things to change. If I had it my way I'd get the hell out of there and sought out whatever drug I could find to numb the throbbing ache of disappointment that I felt. I knew that wasn't an option anymore. The truth is that even though I wasn't trying to off myself, if I did, I honestly wouldn't have cared. Sober life seemed like hell to me and I wasn't ready to face my problems. I wondered if anyone ever was and maybe that's why drugs are such a hard thing to kick.
The doctor came back later on and we told him our plans which he was thrilled about. I was released from the hospital two days later. Brittany went to my apartment to pack my things for me so I wouldn't run away or anything. The treatment center was two hours away from the city and even though the hospital offered to have me transported directly, I just needed some time away from doctors for a little bit to get myself together so Brittany drove me. She held my hand the whole way there as we sat in silence. I started to panic when we pulled into the driveway.
"Um, in order for them to take you, you have to have something in your system when you go in there and they detoxed you at the hospital. So when I was at your apartment I found your stash and I brought some for you to take." She told me as she unzipped the front pouch of the bookbag she had put some of my things in and pulled out a baggie full of pills and my little case that I kept cocaine in. "I didn't know what you'd normally take or how much so I just brought some of everything. Well, except for the heroin. We aren't doing that again." She chuckled trying to make light of the situation. "So pick whichever." She handed me to bag and I hesitantly took it.
I stared at the contents of the bag in my lap. "I don't want to use in front of you." I whispered still staring at my lap.
"It's just one last time, San. It's okay." She assured me grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze. I knew that if I did a line of cocaine the high would be almost instant and I wasn't ready to go in there yet. I pulled out two pills and handed the bag back to Brittany who grabbed a water from the backseat and handed it to be before shoving the drugs back into the bookbag.
"I'll get rid of that when I get home." She said nodding to the bookbag. I nodded and stared at the pills in my hand. I couldn't believe that I was sitting outside of a rehab center with Brittany who was encouraging me to get high. I took a deep breath and swallowed the pills before taking a long sip of water and handing it back to Brittany. She screwed the cap back on the bottle and reached for my hand again holding it tightly in hers. "Let me know when you're ready." She pulled our interwined hands into her lap and held them in her free hand.
It felt like hours before I finally worked up the courage to tell her I was ready. Being high helped immensely because it numbed me. It was glorious. I missed that feeling of ironically not feeling anything.
They searched all my stuff when we got in, pulling out things that I could intentionally harm myself with and looking for drugs. I had to take a pee test which came back with drugs in my system. I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork and they gave me a wristband with my information on it followed by a physical exam by a doctor. I was given a tour of the campus and assigned a room. They let Brittany stay with me for dinner but after was when she had to leave.
We hugged for a long time and I couldn't figure out who didn't want to let go more, me or her. I was still high but it was wearing off at that point so my emotions were coming back to me. I buried my face in her neck which were now coated with my tears. She just kept murmuring things to me like "it's okay, san" or "I'll come visit you as soon as I can" or "everything is going to be okay. I promise." I knew that we were going to have to let go sooner or later so I pulled back and wiped my tears. She kissed me on the cheek and slowly let me go leaving me to finally face my demons.
Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep that night.
"I have some news." My therapist said breaking me from my thoughts. "Tomorrow your parents will be here. Brittany also will be back. She apologized for storming out last week."
My parents coming to visit me terrified and shocked me. I've disppointed them the most. I know that. Still, it terrified me to come face to face with them knowing I would hear how much I've disappointed them.
"What are you thinking?" She asked once again breaking me from my thoughts.
"It's been so long since I've talked to them." I said softly. "The last time we spoke didn't exactly end well."
"Can you tell me about that?" She asked looking at me intently.
I took a deep breath and shifted uncomfortably. "It was a couple of weeks before Brittany showed up. Rachel and Kurt had been trying to call me all day but I was too busy partying to answer. I came home that night high as a kite, like it was so obvious and my parents were in my living room."
"Mom. Dad." I said as my eyes widened as I stumbled into my apartment. "Wh-what are you doing here?" I was trying so hard not to slur my words.
"Rachel and Kurt called us." My mom said quietly.
"Mija, look at me." My dad said sternly. I looked at him instantly feeling threatened by his tone. He got up from his spot on the couch and took me in before shaking his head. "It's true, then." He said in disbelief. "What the hell is going on, Santana?" He raised his voice a tiny bit, it was only a little bit but it startled me.
"No-nothing." I lied.
"Don't you dare lie to me. I'm a doctor, I know what people look like when they're on drugs. You're high as kite right now and you know it." He said sternly never breaking eye contact. My heart was beating out of my chest and I just wanted to run. "Go to bed. We'll talk in the morning when you're sober." He commanded. I didn't want this conversation to last any longer so I obeyed.
The next morning my mother woke me up with coffee and breakfast. She didn't say much but she kept eyeing me. I don't think she really knew how to react. After I finished eating my dad made me sit down on the couch.
"Okay, here's what is going to happen. You're going to come home with us and we're going to get you help. You can't be here anymore." He said sternly. My dad rarely uses this tone but when he does it scares me.
"Daddy, I'm fine." I whispered looking at the floor.
He scoffed. "Mija, if this is fine I'm scared to know what not fine looks like." His tone was gentler this time. "Your mother is going to run out and get some boxes for you."
"What if I don't want to go?" I asked looking at them. "I'm 21 and you can't make me."
"You're coming." My dad said sternly.
"No, I'm not." I said in almost the same tone.
"Santana please don't do this." My mother said finally speaking up.
"I'm not going back to Ohio. This is my life now." My dad's face was turning red now as my mother's eyes welled up with tears.
"So this is what we get for giving you everything? I worked my ass off to give you the best life you could have and this is how you repay me? By using drugs?" My dad was trying to keep his voice down but I knew it wouldn't last long. I wasn't going to let them win.
"I'm not going." I said crossing my arms over my chest.
"I don't believe you right now. What happened to my sweet daughter?" My dad asked shaking his head as I scoffed. He stepped closer so he was inches away from my face. "Now you listen to me, if you don't come with us it'll be the worst decision you've ever made and I promise you'll regret it forever. My daughter will not be using drugs."
"You don't get to decide how I live my life. I'm an adult now, you don't get a say anymore." I said shaking my head.
"If you don't get your ass in that car I'm-"
"You're gonna what?" I asked sarcastically. "Ground me? You can't force me to do anything! I'm staying here and that's final."
"Fine but until you get your shit straightened out, don't bother talking to us. Don't come home and don't ask us for anything else." He said and I'm not going to lie, that hurt.
"That money I gave you for graduation? I want it back." My mother said standing up.
"Fine. You'll get it back." I said standing up as well.
"You're making a mistake. I'm disappointed in you." My dad looked me directly in the eyes and said that.
"I don't care. Just.. leave me alone." I wrapped my arms around myself and looked at the ground.
"Mija, please." My mother begged.
"Just leave." I said closing my eyes.
"So they left?" Dr. Thurman asked furrowing her brows.
"Yeah. I don't think they knew what else to do. I think everyone was hoping I've come to my senses and come running back to them but.." I trailed off.
"But that's not what happened." She finished for me. I shook my head sadly.
"I don't even know what to say to them." I looked down at my hands in my lap and wringed my wrists nervously. "The word sorry doesn't sound good enough." I said shaking my head. "I just suck at articulating my feelings to people."
"Well how did you do it before?" She asked chewing on the end of her pen. "When you first told Brittany your feelings for her, how did you do it?"
"I sang to her." I told her smiling at memory.
"Do you still sing?"
"Not as much anymore but singing has always helped me express what I can't say."
"How about this; how about tomorrow when you're parents and Brittany come, you sing to them?" I gave her a confused look. "Think of a song that expresses how you feel and I can arrange for you to use the music room for as long as you'd like to prepare and that way maybe you'll feel more comfortable expressing your regrets to them."
/
"Thank you all for being here today." Dr Thurman said to my parents and Brittany who were sitting in chairs next to one another. I sat opposite them next to Dr. Thurman who took out her notes and pen and set them in her lap. "Now today, we will be doing some theraputic techniques to really understand the depth of your relationships. I sat down with Santana here yesterday to discuss what I expect to happen today and Santana expressed to me that she expresses herself best through singing. So Santana, if you will." My therapist said pointing to the piano in the corner.
I got up and sat at the piano nervously. "Um, so I can't express to you how sorry I am for what I've put all of you through. Saying I'm sorry just doesn't seem good enough so I, uh, wanted to tell you guys some things that I can't say. I'm just gonna.." I trailed off as I took a deep breath and started playing the music.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were
But I walked away
If I only I knew what I know today
I looked over at Brittany and sang the next part to her.
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call ya
But I know you won't be there
I turned my attention back to the keys singing with more emotion.
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to these rules
I looked over at my parents and sang the next part to them noticing my mother wiping a tear away.
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just once more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Once again locking eyes with Brittany, I sang to her.
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how I missed since you've been away
Oh it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I felt tears pouring out of my eyes as I sang the last part struggling to stay strong.
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
I sniffled and wiped the tears that wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. My mother was now a weeping mess in her chair as my dad wrapped his arm around her. Brittany's eyes were red and she swallowed thickly trying to keep her emotions in check. Dr. Thurman got up and handed me a tissue and as I dried my eyes, I felt a pair of arms around me. They were my mother's.