A/N Word of warning. I suck at transitional sequences in stories. I promise it gets better. I just need to get through the expositional part here.
"What do you mean leave?" Brittany asked crinkling her eyebrows as if she was trying to understand.
I took a breath, processing what I was about to say. "When I was in rehab, I applied to Emerson College in Boston. It was an attempt to get you back. I had no intention of finishing the program in rehab. I just wanted you. Things changed. I changed. If I go to Emerson, I can start over. New city, new people, new life. I just… I can't stay here."
"But, why?" Brittany asked chewing on her lip.
"I don't belong here, Brittany. I mean not anymore." I told her shaking my head. "Sobriety is hard and it's even harder when everywhere you look, you're reminded of the terrible things you've done."
"Those are just things you've done, Santana. That's not who you are."
"I know that." I nodded, pursing my lips. "But if I stay here, with all the triggers, I will use again. I can feel it."
I wasn't lying when I said that. Every day that I spend here, the more I want the drugs. I want that escape. I crave that escape. I can't go back to the person I was because she's not there anymore. I need to be the person I am today.
I was expecting anger or tears or just confusion but instead, Brittany smiled at me.
"What?" I asked, nervously laughing back at her.
"You have changed, Santana." She said slowly. "Three months ago, you never would have told me that you wanted to use. You would have just done it and then lied about it."
Her words stung but she wasn't lying. I would have used and then lied about it. I would have done anything I got my hands on with no regard for anyone.
"You should go, Santana." Brittany said as she stood up and stood in front of me. "As much as I was looking forward to you being here, I want you to be happy and healthy more. If this is going to help you, you should do it."
I was speechless. Not because I was shocked at her response but just because I didn't really know what to say.
"How soon do you leave?" Brittany asked after a beat.
"Two weeks." I said as I stood up from the curb.
Brittany raised her eyebrows. "Oh, wow. That's soon."
"Yeah, I know but if I don't go now, I could lose my spot."
"It's kind of ironic that you and I are essentially switching places." She smirked. "And if you want, I'd love to take a trip up there when you're settled in to show you around the city. There are some cool spots that I think you'd really like."
"Thanks, Brit." I smiled before shaking my head. "Now, tonight is all about you so let's go back in and celebrate."
Brittany grinned before motioning to the door. "After you."
/
"Well Santana, it looks like you have a plan." Dr. Butts said as he put his pad and pen down on the coffee table that sat next to him.
"I know that it sounds sudden, but it feels right. I just need to get out of here and away from all the temptations and bad memories. I know it's not going to solve everything, but I think it will help."
Dr. Butts leaned forward resting his elbows on his thighs. "It's not uncommon for recovering addicts to leave, Santana. It's actually pretty healthy. Since you're creating a new normal, it's easier to do that in an environment where you don't have any type of habits or rituals. You can start new, healthy ones." He explained. "Most people who relapse do so because they haven't changed the people and the environment they were in before they got clean."
"I just don't want to make it seem like I'm running away."
Dr. Butts smiled softly at me. "If you were doing this to run away, you wouldn't have any goals. You have told me that finishing college and staying clean are your goals. Trust your instincts, Santana."
"Thank you."
"If you want, I can email you some great resources for that area. If at any point you need additional help or anything of the sort, please contact me."
/
Now that I've made my decision, the chaos of moving ensues. Since Quinn lives two hours from Boston, she agreed to come to New York and help me move. I figured it would help to have an extra set of hands and a friendly face around for a few days while I get settled in.
Right now, I'm on my way back to my old apartment to tell Rachel and Kurt. The anxiety of being back in that apartment is high but knowing that I won't have to go there again in a few weeks offers me some relief. I stepped out of the elevator, took a deep breath, and walked the short distance to their door. Kurt answered promptly.
"Hey, Santana." He smiled. "Come on in."
My heart sped up and I tried to keep calm the best I could. My eyes darted around, and I saw Brittany's sweater on the couch. I kept my focus on that and it seemed to relax me a little.
"Where's Britt?" I asked.
"Oh, she's at some mixer for the NYU dancers." Rachel replied as she came out of the bedroom.
"Do you want something to drink? Water? Tea?" Kurt asked.
"No, I can't stay long. I just came to tell you some news."
"Come, sit." Rachel said as she sat down on the couch.
Kurt sat next to Rachel and patted the space next to him. I slowly sat down as two sets of eyes stared at me curiously.
"What's going on? Are you okay?" Kurt asked nervously.
"I'm okay. It's nothing bad." I assured them. They both instantly relaxed. "I have decided to leave New York. I got into Emerson College in Boston and it's the perfect timing because being here right now is too hard."
"Santana, that's great!" Rachel beamed.
"I hear Emerson has an awesome performing arts program!" Kurt said, placing his hand over his heart.
"It does. It has other great programs too."
"When do you leave?" Kurt asked.
"In two weeks."
"Well, then it's settled. We will all have to have dinner before you go." Rachel smiled. "You pick a day and I'll cook."
"We're so proud of you, Santana." Kurt said before hugging me. Rachel quickly threw her arms around both of us.
/
Two weeks later:
My dad and I went apartment hunting together last week and we found a small apartment that is perfect. It's near campus and the Women's Center where they have NA meetings. He sent most of my stuff there already, so I don't have that much to bring.
Quinn and I are at Kurt, Rachel, and Brittany's apartment. Rachel insisted we have brunch before we left. We had our dinner a couple nights ago. It was bittersweet. I'm going to miss having them all around but I'm excited for the new adventure. Brittany's been quiet today. I know her. I can see the wheels spinning in her head. Although, I'm not exactly sure what she's thinking.
"Well, I think it's probably time to head out. I want to get there before it gets dark." I said as I stood up from my chair.
"Let us walk you out." Rachel said as everyone stood up and we filed out the door together.
Kurt and I embraced followed by Rachel who hugged me a little too tightly. I slowly approached Brittany giving her a small smile. She smiled softly back before hugging me.
"You take care of yourself." I whispered into her hair.
"Okay." She whispered back.
When I pulled away. I saw the tears pooling in her eyes. If I didn't leave now, I would most certainly start crying. I waved at everyone and reached for the passenger door when someone grabbed my other hand.
"Santana… wait…" Brittany whispered as I turned to face her.
"Britt…" I cocked my head to the side, frowning as the tears ran down her cheeks.
"Please don't go." She choked out. "I know that I lost a lot of trust and that we'd been trying to build that back, but it was because I was scared. I was scared of losing you. So, please, don't leave me again."
"Brittany… I have to go. I can't stay here…" I said, grabbing her hands.
"Let me come with you." she said as she wiped away a tear rolling down her face.
I shook my head. "No, Britt, you can't. You've got NYU here. That's your dream. I won't let you give that up." I felt the tears threatening to fall out of my eyes. "I need to go and do this for myself. I need you to let me go."
"What if I don't want to?" she said softly.
I steadied myself as a few tears fell from my eyes. "You know that saying about how if you love someone, let them go and if they come back to you, they're yours?" Brittany looked away wiping her face harshly. "Maybe one day we'll come back to each other. Right now, I need to focus on me. You focus on you, and I'll focus on me, okay?" She shook her head no. "I will always love you, Brittany, okay? Please just know that." I sobbed out wiping her tears.
Brittany didn't say anything. Instead, she cupped my cheeks and pressed her lips to mine. I know I should pull away, but I wanted her to have this. Maybe it's her way of closure, maybe not.
When the kiss broke, she whispered "I love you, too" against my lips. We kept our foreheads touching for a few seconds.
"I have to go." I whispered as I pulled away.
I didn't hug her again. I couldn't. I'd fall apart. I kissed her hand and turned around to get into my car. At this moment, I was so thankful that Quinn insisted that she drive. I wasn't in any position to at this moment. I got in the car and stuck the door, sobbing.
"Are you okay?" Quinn whispered as she placed her hand on my shoulder.
"Let's just go. Please." I choked out.
Quinn put the car and drive and we started moving. I couldn't stop crying. I looked out the window to see Kurt comforting Brittany who was still sobbing.
"I'll make sure they take care of her." Quinn said as she patted my leg.
I couldn't form words, so I just nodded.
I thought that going through treatment and trying to stay sober was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was wrong. It was this. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
A/N Thoughts? Are Brittana shippers still around? I miss you all.