First Week
A few days later
Draco yawned boredly...
The headquarters of the order was deserted, literally, the blond had spent the morning in the kitchen, counting the insects and cataloging them. He already had a total of three spiders, five flies, and what looked like a centipede that had lost a few legs.
The Golden Trio, his favorite victims, had split up, temporarily to his chagrin: the Dictionary with Paws had returned home to spend the vacations with the her muggle family; the Carrot Head had returned to the Burrow with his parents and his endless siblings (he had really no idea how many there were) over the weekend; and the Boy-Who-Is-Unwilling-To-Die had decided to accompany him, most likely to avoid being alone with his school rival, who enjoyed tormenting him at every opportunity that presented itself to him.
Draco sighed in exasperation and walked up the stairs leading to his room, feeling ignored by the good guys. Apart from the house elf, no one gave a damn about him. He could no longer stand his adoring gaze. Wherever he went, it followed him, offering to do whatever he wanted and whatever he didn't want. Completely fed up with this situation, he sent the poor creature out to find an endless list of potion ingredients, of which a few probably did not even exist. That should keep him busy for quite a while and give him his well-deserved rest. It was a reality that he liked being the center of attention, but not stalkers.
The mercury-eyed young man opened the bedroom door just in time to receive his package. He raised the window, letting in an exalted owl at not having been able to find the recipient faster, due to the numerous spells that the Imbeciles of Light had conjured around the estate.
He tore excitedly at the paper that was eagerly wrapping its charge and smiled mischievously.
"Too bad the twins aren't here to see it, but... that's what this is for..." He pulled out a camera from inside his trunk.
oOo
Sunday
Molly Weasley had arrived only a few hours earlier to prepare dinner and was about to leave Grimmauld Place, when she saw out of the corner of her eye, something that seemed to look quite similar to, a platinum ray heading towards the dusty living room. Curious and wanting to know what had led the blond boy to abandon his self-imposed exile when her twins left, she decided to follow him.
"You... Devil's Engender, come back here! Give me that camera right now!"
Sirius Black rushed past her and Molly for a moment thought she was hallucinating. "Was that a maid's dress?" feeling the familiar flea behind her ear that kept her from ignoring the recent events, she decided to follow the animagus. As much as the redhead preached that she didn't know from where Fred and George had inherited such a personality from, she couldn't deny that curiosity was definitely a streak she had passed on to them.
"Come on, dear cousin!" Molly entered Draco's room, just in time to see him send an envelope via owl for the owl to deliver to the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes store. "It's just that I felt so welcomed that I thought it was my duty to offer you a thank you gift for giving me shelter in your warm Home Sweet Home."
"Do you consider this..." He pointed to the maid's outfit Draco had summoned from the animagus, when he had been distracted by a lonely flea on the living room couch. "a thank you gift? And on top of that you had the nerve to take a picture", Molly brought her hands to her face, hiding her amazement, "and send it to the Weasley twins? Do you have any idea what they will do with it?"
"No, but I'm sure it will be great!"
"I didn't know you had that kind of fetish, Black?"
"Fantastic! And now Snivellus has seen me in this state. All that's left is for Remus to arrive and we'll have a Class Reunion."
"Class Reunion? When?"
"Hyaaa! No, it can't be... My social life is ruined", Sirius dramatized.
"What have I missed? And why is Sirius dressed like that?" Severus gladly volunteered to help Remus catch up, being assisted by Molly. "Oh! Let's be honest, Sirius, if the situation were reversed, you would either be laughing your head off, applauding his genius, or regretting that you didn't come up with the idea first."
"Ah!" The silver-eyed man marched exasperatedly towards the door. "I give up! I'm going to take this thing out and burn it."
"No", shouted the outraged blond boy, "you can't, I spent a fortune on that dress. Besides... it looks great on you!" he concluded, unable to contain the laughter that was struggling to escape his thin, outlined lips.
oOo
The Weasley twins admired the photograph like one would appreciate a beautiful work of art.
"I knew my eyes had not deceived me. Malfoy must be our lost brother."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yes!" they exclaimed in unison, rushing towards their new departure.
Soon the full Order of the Phoenix would receive the summons for the next meeting, and they would make sure it was done via some sort of magical hologram from maid Sirius.
oOo
Tuesday
Little by little the members of the order were gathering around the long kitchen table. Sirius couldn't understand the looks the rest of them threw at him again and again, until he was tired of being kept in the dark and demanded to know why he was being stared at so enigmatically. Finally, taking pity on his friend, Remus removed a small sphere from the inside pocket of his worn tunic and placed it on the table.
"What is that?"
Remus flicked the sphere with a complex wand movement and a beam of light appeared, giving rise to the familiar image of a maid.
"Dear members of the Order of the Phoenix, it is my immeeeense pleasurrrrreee", said maid Sirius with a feline tone and blinking seductively, "to invite youuuu to join meee", Sirius clenched his fists tightly as he saw his maid version launch a floating heart-shaped kiss, which exploded releasing an army of confetti. "at the following meeting on the XXth at XX hours. I look forward to your visits." The voice was replaced by the synchronized voices of the Weasley twins. "Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes is pleased to present the Fantasy Sphere, where all your dreams come true. Now at fifteen percent off. Place your order now."
"Fred, George!" Molly cried indignant at her sons' inconsequential attitude.
"Draco Malfoy, get your lazy ass in the kitchen right now!" shouted Sirius angrily, being met with confused looks from the order, as the blond didn't seem to be involved in the incident at all.
Hasty footsteps were heard and the three culprits entered, being met with scolding expressions from the adults, who were aware of the real circumstances.
"You can start explaining yourselves, youngsters." Draco laughed softly. "And you too, Draco, I know perfectly well that it was you who sent them the picture of Sirius."
"Did Sirius really dress like that?" muttered one of the members.
oOo
Thursday
Draco had to admit that his new plan was risky to say the least, but the idea of traumatizing the lions was too tempting, so he put on the black robe and cast the spell that would alter the perception of anyone who did not look him directly in the eye.
He left the safe haven that was his room and began his stroll through the manor, singing Christmas melodies in the middle of summer.
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane
He's got a bag that's filled with toys
For boys and girls again
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
Oh what a beautiful sight
So jump in bed and cover your head
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
The Golden Trio was attracted by the chanting and followed the voice, bumping into...
"Hyaa! Run for your lives!" shouted Ron in terror in an extremely effeminate little voice.
"What on earth are you talking about?" asked Harry, confused.
"Run for You-Know-Who's broken into the Order Headquarters and is singing Christmas Carols", shouted the trembling red-headed young man, grabbing Hermione's wrist, already at the bottom of the stairs, running towards the fireplace and back to the Weasley's Den.
"Voldemort? But if it's just... What did you do, Malfoy?"
"The face of the Weasel... Hahahaha! That was memorable! Now get lost, Potter. I still have victims to terrorize."
"Oh no, you don't!" Harry grabbed the disguised wizard's sleeve. "I won't let you... Ahhh!" Between pulling and bumping, they both fell to the ground.
"Help! Please! Somebody save Harry!" screamed Ginny, trembling with fear. "You-Know-Who is going to rape my Harry!" The redhead burst into desperate, uncontrollable sobs, bringing her hands to her face and covering her tear-filled eyes.
"Ginny, it's not what you think."
"Isn't it?" she asked, confused, removing her hands from her face and sniffling slightly.
"No! Voldemort is not going to rape me, Gi..."
"You're saying it's consensual! Is it because of him", she pointed in the direction of the supposed Dark Lord, "that you don't want to date me?" The chocolate-eyed young woman broke into a new cry and ran downstairs to seek solace in her beloved mother's warm arms.
"Hahaha! That came out even better than I could have ever imagined!" Harry, annoyed by the misunderstanding, raised his fist and punched Draco valiantly in the face.
"That's it, Harry, you can do it! Finish off that failed dark wizard attempt", encouraged Sirius. "Wait! How did he get in? I have to go over the barriers… just to make sure!" exclaimed the animagus, heading for the Ritual Room, dismissing the fact that the supposed Dark Lord was prostrating himself over his godson, and could kill him at any moment.
"I don't understand! Why is it that when they look at you they see Voldemort and I don't?"
"Come on, because none of them have the courage to look me directly in the eye when I look like this."
oOo
Albus Dumbledore entered Grimmauld Place only to be greeted by Ginny Weasley's existential crisis, Sirius Black's paranoia, and Ronald Weasley's terror. The Old Principal couldn't understand what could have caused such a commotion at the Order's headquarters in a mere two hours, which had led to his absence.
"Hello, Caramel-Eater-Old-Man!"
"Hyaaaa!" Ron crushed all the little bones in Hermione's hand with the force of his grip.
"What's up, young Weasley?"
"Vo... Vo... Vo..." The red-haired boy gave in to his emotions and fainted vulgarly, in Draco's opinion.
"Could someone please explain to me what happened?"
"Malfoy had the bright idea of dressing up as Voldemort and walking the halls while singing Christmas Carols", accused the Boy Who Lived.
"Oh, I see! And what were the carols?" asked the old man curiously.
This time it was Harry who collapsed from shock.
"Here Comes Santa Claus!... majorly", exclaimed Draco, "but I didn't think you would really come if I called you. The beard is very convincing." He reached out and touched it lightly. "Is it real? Do you have to wash it with hair shampoo? I have some samples that could make it shinier and smoother." Albus tried in vain to keep smiling, but was betrayed by a vein throbbing powerfully in his temple. "Where did you leave the traditional red suit? Do you only wear it in winter? It must be very hot for this time of year! Maybe you could make a more refreshing version, what do you think, Santa Claus?"
oOo
Friday
Draco stared at the box and soon the redheads in front of him, then returned to the box.
"Come on, open it. I assure you that everything is just as you asked."
The blond removed the lid and observed the product with a clinical and calculating eye.
"Hmm... Everything seems to be ok! Perfect!"
"Just out of curiosity..."
"... what do you intend to..."
"... do with it?" concluded the Weasley twins in unison, causing the blond to smile mischievously.
"Wait a moment and you can see it first hand!"
oOo
The blond young man entered the kitchen, interrupting the strategy meeting that Dumbledore, Black, and Snape were conducting.
"Professor Snape, what do you think of my new sweater?" The bat opened his eyes, almost imperceptibly, in amazement. "It's the latest fashion!" Draco turned around and struck a few poses he had seen in Ninphadora Tonks' muggle catalog of male underwear models, which the blond still wondered why she owned it at all.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" shouted Sirius outrageously in anger "Take that thing off right now? Do you really think you can continue to support the Dark Side, even though they would kill you if they knew your daddy betrayed them?"
Draco ignored Black and advanced towards the Potions Master.
"Here, professor!" He handed over a sweater that said the exact same words as his: Death Eater and Proud. "I bought one for you too. I thought the fashion would catch on at the snake-faced guy's hideout. Those uniforms are outdated and out of fashion. Go ahead, try it on! I want to see how it looks on you…"
Severus looked at the piece of cloth as if it were garbage and refused to wear the barbarity. The mercury-eyed young man sobbed disconsolately, causing the man's brow to twitch nervously, which worsened with each sentence the child uttered.
"But why? Isn't it fashionable enough? You can change the color. If you don't like the black with the white lettering because it's too dull, you can change it to pink like Dora's hair with emerald green lettering like Potter's eyes", said the blond boy, appealing to the shades of two of the people his godfather tolerated the least.
oOo
The week came to an end, and Draco took a count of the items he had completed from his short list.
-''-''-
1) Offer Sirius a maid costume;
2) Disguise myself as Voldemort and walk around Grimmauld Place, while singing Christmas carols;
3) Confuse Dumbledore with Santa Claus;
4) Wear a "Death Eater and Proud" sweater in the Order Headquarters;
5) Offer one to Snape;
(...)
-''-''-
Not bad for the first week of torture!
"Now that I think about it... Kreacher still hasn't returned with my charge. Have I gone overboard with my little list of potion ingredients?"