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Commander John Shepard

With full bellies, we returned to the ship. It was getting late. Hadn't heard from Lia yet, but there's still time for her to decide before we head out. All things considered, not a bad day. But, there's one last thing before it can end. The three of us had just passed through the airlock and were heading to the elevator.

"Still want to have that talk tonight, Tali?" I asked.

"Hm? Oh, yes… about that, right… Yeah, we should probably go do that," Tali answered.

"Well, I am not being around for that. Have fun," Garrus remarked. "I'll let you go first." Tali and I glanced between one another and shrugged. We entered the elevator and took it up to my cabin. We entered, and I made my way to the couch. Resting an arm along the back of it, and tilting my head in its direction, the message clear. 'Sit beside me?'

Tali nodded, taking her seat, and my arm rested around her shoulders. She leaned into me. I kicked my feet up onto the table and leaned my head against the top of hers. I hardly even noticed that I began rubbing her shoulder. Tali still had her legs together and her hands in her lap, not quite relaxed just yet.

"So, we both know that we both know that… sorry, this is probably going to be uncomfortable for a bit," I scratched the back of my head with my other hand. "That mentioning my death is… upsetting for you."

"Yes. As I said, there are a lot of bad memories surrounding… that."

"I uh, heard a bit from Chakwas, she mentioned a bit of that to me." I sighed. "My memory gets a bit fuzzy as soon as I was in space. What… happened?"

"Shepaー John… I heard you. Your-your coms were on. We saw your vitals. You were… talking. Becoming delirious. Then you were just…" she choked. "Gone." I heard her sniffle and pulled her closer against me.

"I'm sorry. I wish that I could do more than just say that," I murmured.

"You-You're here now. That's all that matters," Tali allowed a hand to place itself against my chest.

"I'm sorry to ask this, but I need to know. I need to know what it did to you."

"Why?" I released a deep breath as I prepared to answer.

"Because I caused it."

Silence.

"Keelah, John, it's not your fault. It's the Reapers, or… whoever was responsible that day."

"Still. Besides, it'll be… motivation to make sure I never put you through that again."

"John…" She looked up, surprised, and… touched, I think. She took another deep breath and looked down." What else could it have done? It tore me apart, John. I lost the man who-" she paused. "Meant so much to me. Just… Keelah," she sniffled. I continued rubbing her shoulder, still holding her close. "I'm ok. I'm ok…" She took a deep breath. "What about you, John?"

"How am I dealing with it?"

"Yes. Sorry, just… I don't want to remember any more of… those memories, right now."

"Of course," I gave a small squeeze. "Well, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Just, everything went black, then there was the blinding light over the operating table I woke up on, two years later. I don't remember anything at all in between. I mean, two years of my life, gone, just like that. Throw in the fact that I, sorry, died, and was brought back? It's not like I was the only casualty. Those men and women deserved their lives back just as much as I did. Their friends and family are still mourning while mine get to celebrate my return? That just feels… wrong."

"Then why make jokes?"

"It's a weird sort of… masking… catharsis. Cracking a joke will probably make other people think that I'm completely fine, keep up the stoic face of Commander Shepard," I scoffed. "You know." I cleared my throat and deepened my voice. "I'm the big hero! I must always be brave and confident, infallible!... All that bullshit. But, hey, if the Reapers are coming, I guess I do need to be an inspiring symbol."

"I'm sorry, John."

"Don't be. Not your fault." I allowed a grin. "I let myself be more… human. A person, around you and Garrus."

"Then why do you make jokes around him as well?"

"I see through the own masking jokes he makes. He knows it. He sees through mine, I know it. I guess it's like an unspoken understanding," I shrugged. "As for the catharsis? Somehow, it… temporarily gives me some relief. Helps it just slide past me. If that makes sense."

"It does, but, there's one part that doesn't. I'm sorry, but this is going to sound… bad." I raised a brow curiously.

"Shoot. I won't get offended."

"Alright… Then why don't you make jokes about Akuze or Elysium?"

"Damn. That's… Well. Everyone has their limits. Those are two things I just could never bring myself to even smile about. Fake or otherwise."

"I understand, and I'm sorry. I just-"

"Don't be sorry, you wanted to understand. Communication is a good thing for us to have."

"Ok, good," Tali took another breath, and let herself relax. Getting comfortable.

"So, I don't know about you, but I'm thinking we really shouldn't end the night on such serious notes," I remarked.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," Tali allowed herself a chuckle. "But… what should we talk about?"

"We could ask questions about one another? Our people?"

"Er, sure, that sounds alright. You first."

"Sure. What's the cloth wrap thing I see all Quarians with?"

"Oh, that's an easy one. It's called a realk," she explained, tugging at the sides of her hood. The color represents our position. Purple is engineer. And the patterns represent our clan."

"So, if I see anyone with the same swirls as you, I'll know their Clan Zorah. Sorry, follow up question, then your turn. Your clans. I'm trying to figure out just how much they compare to human families and their last names. So, your clanmates. Are they all related to you by blood? Aunts, uncles, cousins, so on so forth?"

"They are genetically related to me, yes. But consider how on the Fleet we have the single child policy. Neither of my parents had siblings. My grandmother on my mother's side had a twin brother. But Clan Zorah was a large and well known clan before the Geth rebelled. If not for the policy, I'd likely have not just siblings, but multiple groups of cousins, second cousins, and further along."

"Ah, so it's pretty much the same thing as our family names," I nodded. "Your question?"

"Still on the topic of family. I want to know about yours. I know of both your parents, but that's honestly it."

"Well, I am an only child. And you already know what I'm what other Humans would generally call a Spacer. Technically I was a born on a hospital back on Earth, but my mom was still serving in the Alliance with the exception of the last two months of her pregnancy. But I grew up on Alliance ships, just not one's going onto the front lines. When your parents are both dedicated to the Alliance," I shrugged, letting her fill in the gap. "But don't take that the wrong way. They still made time for me. The reason? Well, turns out my grandparents apparently have a lot to do with that. They were pieces of shit."

"Oh… sorry."

"Don't be, I never met 'em never had to put up with their shit. And hey, their shittiness inspired both my parents to be better."

"That's good, at least. Did your parents tell you what they had done?"

"Everything," I chuckled. "From alcohol to red-sand, and everything in between. Junkies. My dad would tell stories of how he'd have to sleep with a bat under his pillow every night to keep his drunk or drugged dad from crawling through his window after a night of god knows what, and from stealing my dad's stuff to sell off for drug money. And my grandma, and my mom's older sister, who was just as bad, would try and convince her to whore herself out when she was in her teens, but still underage, I might add, so they could take her money. She never agreed, so they had her working legit early on. And took that money from her."

"Keelah, that's horrible! Both stories!" Tali exclaimed.

"Those are actually some of the more tame ones."

"I don't think I want to know about the others," Tali murmured.

"Won't tell what you don't want to hear," I ended with a yawn. One that was contagious, as Tali followed with her own. Holy shit her yawns are adorable. I even heard her smack her lips together afterward and she snuggled up against me closer. "I think we're getting tired," I chuckled. My eyes were starting to feel heavy.

"Yeah. I guess we should be getting to sleep," Tali responded quietly. Without moving.

"But not yet?" I smirked.

"No, not yet. I'm comfortable." My arm was still around her, her head still on my shoulder, my head still against the top of hers. She shifted her body so that she was laying on her side, her legs up on the couch, on top of one another. "More comfortable now." I chuckled lightly and just kept rubbing her shoulder. Her breathing was quiet, gentle. I like feeling her weight on me like this, feeling her breathe, listening to her breathe. I'm not quite sure how long I was listening to it before I heard something surprising.

Tali began snoring. A very quiet, barely noticeable snort at the end of each breath.

There is no way in fucking hell I'm waking her up. In fact… I shifted my legs and weight, subtly, to try and get more comfortable without waking her up. I again leaned my head against hers, and she hummed in her sleep. I let out another yawn and shut my eyes.

There was nothing but good dreams.