Chapter 39
The pain was growing inside of her like a disease and no matter what she did she couldn't get it to go away. Day after day it gnawed at her, festering within as she hopelessly tried to block it out. Half the time she thought that she was going insane with not being able to identify what was wrong with herself. She just felt like she had this raw emptiness in the pit of her stomach and no matter how many battles she went into, no matter how relentlessly she fought -hoping that the battle lust would be enough- no matter the distractions she tried to create for herself, nothing had been able to fill that void that continuously remained vacant within. She didn't know what else to do to make this feeling go away. She didn't even know what it was that had caused it, how did she really expect to make it disappear.
Although it was always constantly inside of her, Xena somehow managed to suppress it at times when she focused all of her attention on something else and kept her mind busy enough. If she didn't think about it, then this engulfing abyss that was progressively growing bigger and bigger would fade from her mind. It was worse when she was alone, she had no distractions then, nothing to keep her mind occupied long enough and the feeling creeping into her heart whenever she was left alone with her thoughts ,was like a giant anchor crushing her insides. Xena didn't know how much longer she could stand this emptiness, it was very irritating and she was getting annoyed of the constant sensation and she wished that it would just go away. She couldn't pin point the exact time it had started but it had been there inside of her for months, that much she was sure of.
She even went to see a healer once to see if maybe there was something physically wrong with her but they had told her that she was perfectly healthy. The not knowing, bugged the Tartarus out of her and now as the days continued to go on even the little diversions she would come up with were not working anymore. This all consuming feeling did not want to be ignored any longer and it was making itself more prominent and it was getting harder for her to smother it.
"Xena, we need to rest." came the exhausted voice of one of her warriors.
She looked out over to where the voice had come from and Xena could see the worn out stance of the girl's posture. The Warrior Princess looked at all the rest of the warriors that were filed in their training lines and could see that all of them were pretty much wiped out. She had been pushing them all a lot harder every day since this emptiness inside of herself just wouldn't go away. Sometimes she would wake them all up at the crack of dawn and they would all train for the whole day and rarely take any breaks. She knew she was being kinda selfish with forcing them to be the distraction that she needed to take her mind off of other matters, but now they weren't even that to her anymore. She had been going through the drills with them for the past hours and her mind was still occupied with this overwhelming feeling. Nothing worked anymore, not even training them and she was running out of options. She cast a long, bothered look at all the fatigued bodies and tired faces and decided that they shouldn't have to suffer along with her just because she couldn't grasp what was going on with herself. The sun had already begun to set and it was not like any of them would understand anyway, they never did. No one understood her, not the way she thought someone might have.
"That's enough for today, everyone turn in." she commanded, and the sounds of relief could be clearly heard around her as the warriors made their way out to get some much needed rest.
Xena watched them all go and sighed out deeply to herself, there was going to be no rest for her any time soon. She decided that she was going to still try to distract herself somehow and only when her unknown problem was finally off of her mind was she going to turn in for the night. She made her way to Athena's temple and headed to the main room where she usually came up with all of her plans. Once she got inside, she closed the door so she wouldn't be disturbed and just looked around for a moment. There was still a small battle that was coming up that she had to square away a few details over but she decided that she would hold off on that for a moment and instead she pulled her sword out of its scabbard and began to go through a small drill with it.
She slashed at the air with her blade for a few seconds, letting herself get lost in the moment. This actually seemed to be working and for a while there, the emptiness seemed to actually dissipate a little. After a few more precise movements, she finished her routine and then held her blade in both of her hands. She looked down at it and studied the sword for a moment. It was well broken in now since she had taken it all those months ago, the small nicks and scratches that were now on it from the battles she had went into. It had to been the only useful thing that had come out of her time with the War God. Something that she could actually rely on that wasn't going to just spew out crap and then vanish on her. She immediately reprimanded herself for having allowed her thoughts to wander, and, not wanting her mind to start to drift to the moments spent with him, she made her way over to the table that held the plans she had been working on. She read over her small notes that she had and then she moved to study the map of the surrounding area, looking for the best possible location that they could use to make a stand and that would ensure their victory to the coming battle.
As her azure eyes scanned over the different types of places that they could use, her foolish mind unwillingly drifted back to another time when she had been in a similar situation. Only then, there was someone else there with her and his intoxicating presence had ignited something within her that she had never felt again since that day. Against her better judgment and certainly not thinking it all the way through, a small smile began to form on her face as she remembered the events of that day. The offer he had made her in the alley way right before he seized her lips in a passionate kiss that it seemed to her that he just couldn't stop himself from doing had blown her mind. She had felt the hunger that was behind that kiss that day, and the need, that conquering need as his hand slipped its way slowly under her skirt. An inextinguishable fire spread within her while his palm roamed freely against her skin, going higher up her leg and finding its resting place against her ass, pulling her closer to him when the hungry kiss grew a little more passionate.
It was useless…she was no longer able to stop the barrage of recollections- once she started down that path, the memories refused to stop there and they flowed to when they had come up with a small strategic plan to defeat an army later in the day.
But the Fates themselves couldn't get her mind to focus and she got consumed with the memory of his nearness. The way his finger tips had feathered across her skin and over her body, the delightful sensation of his hot breath that hit against the side of her neck before he had placed that long anticipated kiss against her flesh. The way his grip on her stomach would tighten with every little whimper that she tried to stop herself from letting out when he intensified that pleasurable warmth he was applying there….Unconsciously, her hand drifted to her abdomen and she splayed her hand over her belly as that memory replayed in her mind. The uncertain but very much wanted kiss she allowed herself to have as he softly kissed her back, as if he was also unsure of what they were doing and it was better to go slow and let their mouths lightly explore the other then to share a more passionate kiss like they had done earlier in the day. How he had gently moved his mouth against hers, seemingly mesmerized by the touch of her lips, moving to kiss her more leisurely and longer as if he never wanted it to end, slowly but surely making her want to get lost in his warm kiss as it increasingly became a little more passionate.
A slight pleasing shiver went through her while she relived those blissful moments in her head and she lightly ran her finger tips against her mouth, almost as if she could still feel the warmth of the War Gods' kiss again from the memory. The smile on her face widened a little more and when that emptiness that just wouldn't go away sunk a little deeper into that endless abyss that it was creating within her that is when it dawned on her. The absence of his presence and the God himself that had just abruptly disappeared... she missed him. Xena's thoughtful smile soon faded from this new realization and that emptiness that she had finally figured out the cause to, quickly turned into a sadness that felt ten times worse and formed an ache in her chest.
She didn't like this new awareness and she tried to convince herself that it was not the case. This feeling was not brought on by him, it couldn't be, and it had to be something else entirely, something that was still eluding her and now her irrational mind had settled on this simple answer to fill the void and justify what was happening with herself. The more she tried to persuade herself that she didn't miss Ares, the more that ache in her chest would grow, filling her with an unbearable sadness that now she had no way to even begin to think of how to get rid of. She didn't understand it, sure he had kissed her a few times, so what, she had been kissed way before he had ever come along. Plus, his kisses weren't even that memorable to begin with, nothing that warranted any type of missing on her part, he wasn't even that good of a kisser. She scoffed to herself, finding the whole idea completely ridiculous and vainly trying to come up with the real reason for what was going on with herself, leaving it to her own screwed up mind to come up with this outlandish explanation to something that was obviously about something else. But deep down, she knew that was not what it was about, it was everything else, what he had said, the things he had done, the way he had made her feel... the acceptance.
While still trying to come up with an acceptable enough reason to demolish this insane thought whirling in her head, she was suddenly taken aback by the most amazing sensation going down her spine as it tingled with the recognition of an all too familiar presence. Her whole body shivered from the sensation and the ache in her chest dissipated as it was replaced with a warmth that started to slowly engulf her.
Her eyes drifted shut at the unique feeling, letting it seep into her as she took a small amount of comfort in it after not having felt it for so long. Her entire body felt alive as it reacted to his nearness, her every nerve filling with a burning hot desire and a satisfied grin tugged at her lips from the pleasurable sensations now coursing through her veins like a wild fire. Her fingers slightly dug into the edge of the table as that gratifying warmth consumed her, but, pulling herself out of her haze, she snapped her eyes open just as fast, and looked to where she knew he was going to be. Seconds later, without any further delay, Ares materialized before her.