A/N: Wow. I realize this story took so long to update...it's been over a year since I posted the last chapter, but I promise I have not given up on it. I actually have the whole thing plotted out to the end...so it's just a matter of execution at this point. cw: themes and discussion of incest, non-con
Why do we fall in love so easy? Even when it's not right...
It was raining, he was hardly wearing anything warm, and he forgot an umbrella. Well, wouldn't be the first time... Sighing, Jack simply wrung his hair out and continued wandering, aimlessly. His stomach growled, yet the thought and smell of food from the nearby restaurants sent him into a nauseated spin.
The Ogura twins. He didn't think they'd actually have the guts to show up—or rather, that the younger of the two would confront him so boldly. Things sure have changed, haven't they? How did a seemingly-straightforward stay in Japan end up in such a tangled, fucked-up mess? Was it because he'd always harbored a secret lust for his brother? Or was it due to their being in a different country? The worst part wasn't even what the answer could be, but that he couldn't figure it out. Why did he loath himself so, to the point of demonizing his behaviors yet desperately clung to the one person who stuck with him, throughout all these years? Was his violation of Adam a sudden lashing-out of pent-up frustrations and insecurities, or—he swallowed thickly—did he seriously view Adam as more than a brother?
Jack narrowly resisted the urge to heave and vomit all over the sidewalk in public, trying desperately to get rid of those thoughts. 'Alright, just calm down...don't think that kind of shit; that was just a one-off, you're just all wound up and gutted because Adam's dating now. Adam's your twin, your brother; he can't be anything more...'
"Ugn—!" A second later he found himself heaving into a public fountain at the nearby park, which was mercifully deserted at this hour. "Fuck...that's not true, is it?"
"What's true?" Jack nearly had a heart attack as a familiar voice rang out right next to his ear.
"Fucking hell—don't, don't do that!" He screamed, clutching his chest in an attempt to calm his heart. "What th—Nobunagun!"
"You didn't really think we'd just let you wander about like a vagabond, did you?" The girl didn't miss a beat, even with his overreaction. "Before you ask, Sio-chan's staying with your brother; I volunteered to come look for you and uh...yeah."
"...Tch." Jack didn't know what to say. Part of him was irritated and didn't want anything to do with anybody right now, but another part was desperately grateful that somebody had come—that she still cared, even after all that. "Well, congrats. What do you want, a trophy?"
"No, I just want to make sure you're okay...jackass," she flicked him on the forehead, much to his surprise and eliciting a startled swear. "Damn, I can't believe you're really the same guy who did...all that." Without even waiting for his answer she tossed her blazer over his head, ignoring the rain that was now dampening her uniform. "...So you really did it, huh?"
He stood there, automatically pulling the blazer off and folding it into his arms. Nobunagun may not have cared to wear it, but that didn't mean he wanted her pity. "...Yeh. And unlike you, it wasn't...consensual, or even a 'well it just kinda happened'—"
A boom of thunder sounded in the distance, before the rain came down even harder until it felt more like paintball pellets than water. The pitter-patter was nearly deafening, and most people were either scrambling for shelter or else opening up an umbrella—except for two stubborn teenagers.
"...I guess we really are a pair of freaks." The girl pushed her bangs out of her face in a feeble attempt to stem the flow of water. "Still, I don't—that's not you. That's not the real you, Jack." She got right up in his face, Jack a bit startled at the fierce gleam in her eyes. "You've buried yourself; deep down, inside all that shit, you're still there. And I'm gonna drag him out if that's the last thing I do."
"Be my guest," he muttered, unsure of what she was talking about or even planning. But at the very least, she wasn't just telling him to get lost or go jump off a cliff. A warm hand grabbed his and started pulling, Jack nearly stumbling as his feet scrambled to catch up.
"C'mon, let's get out of this rain; I doubt you want to end up sick again." He himself was too worked up to object or even think of anything else—so when Nobunagun finally stopped in front of a rather nondescript love hotel, he followed without much thought. There were a few other couples waiting to select a room, clearly driven in by the storm. By the time the queue cleared there were only a few left at a reasonable price, Jack giving a 'whatever' shrug as Nobunagun chose a rather eclectic room with neon-blue walls that he supposed was some sort of underwater theme. At least it was a warm shelter that afforded them a good deal of privacy.
Something landed next to him on the bed and he jumped, before realizing Nobunagun had tossed a can of hot coffee towards him. "Here, you should warm up—don't worry about the costs, I think we can both afford to indulge a little right now..." The girl was already heating up an instant cup noodle, and the smells reminded Jack all over again of his own gnawing hunger. Instead, he pulled the tab off the coffee and downed nearly half the can in one go.
"...So what, you just here for a pity party?"
Nobunagun rolled her eyes, even as she slid another steaming hot cup of ramen in front of him. "Oh please, what do you think, mister?" She placed a pair of chopsticks in front, Jack feeling an odd mixture of resentment but also gratitude. "Before we get into all that, you should eat something; I can hear your stomach growling from all the way across the room..."
Jack flushed with embarrassment. She had a point, and he was feeling rather hungry at this point...without another word he tore off the wrapper, the cheap noodles somehow the most satisfying thing that he'd experienced all day. When the cup was empty and he was now satiated, everything else came crashing back: his cold, soggy clothes, the physical exhaustion...not to mention the mental and emotional turmoil that had been eating away at him for the past week. Groaning, he sunk into the bed, not sure how or what to even say.
"Hey uh, how about changing first before just lying there like that?" He flashed open an eye angrily—really, was it so much to ask to just be left alone for even a second? "Or rather, how about a hot shower? You're definitely gonna get sick if you keep wearing those."
"...Would it kill you to just sod off, for maybe even a minute, for once in your life, Nobu?" Clearly that was the wrong thing to say however, as the girl's glare turned as icy as he'd ever seen.
"...Listen, you little shit, I didn't go bustin' my ass all over town looking for your sorry ass, just sit back and let you mope about like a turd after all that's happened—" she grabbed him by the collar, eyes fierce and glowering while her breath fanned his face. "I meant what I said, Jack—I-I...care about you, you stupid...!" She didn't even finish her sentence before a tear fell, Jack feeling as surprised as Nobunagun looked. "You're important to me, too...I'd never forgive myself if I just left you all alone, without even trying to do anything..." The tears were falling onto his shirt now, and Jack could no longer tell if they were hers or his. "I want to help you...so for the love of god, just please, let me..."
She let go, sniffling and wiping her face with her sleeve, before Jack handed her a tissue pack. "...Nobunagun. I...thank you..." Even words as simple as those felt strange and difficult to get out, but he had to. They were never as sincere with each other as their other halves; but perhaps now was the time to finally let their guards down to someone other than their twins. Showing such vulnerability made him feel weak, and Jack didn't like it. His whole life, he'd been the brash one, the one who charged in headfirst without thinking; to stop and finally admit that he needed—and wanted—help, was overwhelming.
"Baka; you're such a stubborn idiot, Jack...but, I swear, I'll be here for you. I won't abandon you. I promise."
The words startled him, if only because of how similar it was to what he and Adam vowed to each other—'I'll always be there for you'—it was all he could do to not start shaking. Swallowing hard, he could only nod, having lost the ability for words.
"Anyway, you should shower first. I can wait until you're done." Nobunagun jerked her head towards the bathroom, already opening up another hot drink for herself. "I'm just gonna let Sio and Adam know that you're okay...alright?"
"Y-Yeh, sure...thanks, Nobu." He groped for a towel and stumbled into the shower, with its gaudily decorated handles and furnishings meant clearly for more than just cleaning up. Still, the hot water felt soothing, especially after wandering around in the rain for so long. After nearly drowning himself underneath the flow Jack finally felt clean, instead of being tainted with some unknown poison that caused him to lust after his brother. His clothes would need more than just a hot steam bath though, so he resigned to hanging them up the best he could, wrapping himself in the complimentary robes provided by the hotel. To his surprise, Nobunagun was already swaddled in one herself when he finally exited into the bedroom, her feet propped up on the table as she furiously texted away on her phone.
"Uh, shower's free...if y'wanna use it." Now that he was fed, clean, and warm, Jack wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and collapse. His head buzzed with a million-and-one questions, but it all seemed so far away compared to the soft bed he was now inches from. Nobunagun sensed this, and before he even said anything, was already gently pushing him onto the covers.
"Cool, alright I'll go shower then. You should take a quick nap; you look exhausted..." Her voice sounded far away, his eyes already closing the moment his head hit the pillow. Finally, he could just let it all go and not have to worry about Adam, about himself, about everything...someone was here to look after him, to make sure that everything would be alright.
"Shh, get some rest, Jack."
He blacked out before Nobunagun even got into the shower.
It was dream to earlier times, when things were much simpler and life was easier. His brother, ever the steadfast, quiet rock, while he ran around like the devil he was—causing trouble for everyone, but always forgiven in the end.
'Hey, do you think you'll ever be more, I dunno, responsible when we grow up?'
He made a face. 'Responsible? What for? If that's all I have to look forward to when we're grown ups, then forget it!' The boy kicked a rock, which skipped three times before sinking to the bottom of the pond with a thunk. 'Heh, three skips! Not too bad...'
His brother sighed. 'That's what I'm talking about...'
'Oh come off it Adam. It's not like anyone's making you be all responsible and stuff.' He shrugged. 'Why do you always make things so hard for yourself? It's not like mum makes you.'
'I'm not—it's—' His brother fell silent, as if really contemplating those words for the first time.
Oops, he'd hurt his brother's feelings again, possibly. 'Oy oy, Adam I didn't mean it like that—' he ruffled his brother's hair playfully, 'I'm just saying, we're still kids! Why're you so serious all the time—c'mon, let's go check out the river! I think the swans are back!' And before Adam could even complain he grabbed his hand and they were both running towards the water's edge.
'Ah, Jack—be careful!'
'Don't worry, I know what I'm doing!'
Was that the first time they'd ever really talked about what it meant to be responsible and grown up, he didn't remember. All he knew then was how wonderful it was to not have any worries or fears, or ponder about the future and what that would entail. No, the only things that mattered were his brother, their mother, and whatever it was he wanted to do in the moment.
"Nng...Adam you're...huh." The grass and riverbank disappeared, and Jack opened his eyes to blinding blue walls and wrinkled sheets. The scent of coffee perfumed the air, along with a faint smell of instant food—he turned over and Nobunagun fell into view, her hair still damp as she curled onto the loveseat, staring aimlessly at her phone.
"Nobunagun..."
"Oh! Jack, how're you feeling?" The girl looked up with a start at his voice, hastily shoving the phone onto the table. "You were out for a bit, but honestly you needed it."
He groaned, but hauled himself up anyway. "Well, 've been better...but I'm not one t' complain, not under these circumstances."
"Good, cool, okay." Nobunagun sounded uncharacteristically nervous as she plopped a paper cup of coffee in front of him. "Here, might help wake you up—oh also, if you want any snacks or anything—"
Jack grabbed her wrist before the girl could go and shove yet another un-asked for amenity in his face. "Nobu. Cut the crap." The girl didn't respond, only leaving the coffee untouched in front of him. "Nobunagun! Seriously, what was the point of that grand speech in the beginning if you're just gonna clam up like this..."
"I'm not—it's just, I..." She still didn't face him, instead curling further into the seat. "Yeah, I said all that earlier—and I mean it, seriously. And yet, I..." There was a choked sob and her shoulders hunched over. "I don't know...what to fucking do. How to help you, how to even go about doing that, o-or what the next step even is...and honestly, I'm scared."
His body turned to ice at that comment. I'm scared. Of what? Him? Of what she might become? Or her inability to solve everything, despite her reputation? Fists clenched into the fabric of the couch. "...Are you scared of me? That I might hurt you, the same way I hurt my brother?"
"...If I was I wouldn't be here, would I?"
Despite her words, the hesitation at the beginning of her answer told him all he needed to know. It filled him with a burning hatred—towards the girl, the world—but most of all himself. Of course she'd be wary; it was natural, to be cautious and protect oneself. Hell, if he were in Nobu's shoes he might feel the same. Because you could never know, never be certain, could you? To trust and let your guard down, around someone who had a potential, no matter how small, to harm you... Where did you draw the line between caution and paranoia, or even let it go entirely?
"Tch...would you? Or are you just doing this to satisfy some self-serving, justification that you're not as terrible as I—"
The slap came faster than he could speak; Jack only felt the red-hot sting on his cheek after he heard the sound, of her hand striking his face. Then choked sobs, Nobunagun crying as she withdrew her hand.
"Baka! Aho! You fucking dumbass...what is it with you and your, your...self-loathing? It's fucking cringe, you know that?" She shouted through a veil of tears. "No wonder your brother doesn't know what to do...how could he? How can he, or I, or anybody else, help someone who doesn't want to be helped?!"
Jack let her rage at him. Every single insult, swear word, garbage that was scribbled on the stalls of public toilets came out of her mouth, her fists pounding his chest—yet still he stood there impassive, until her body sagged and the sobs became quiet sighs. Slowly, he sat them both on the bed, handing her a towel which she accepted wordlessly.
"...Y'know, all that shit you were going on about...it is true. Sort of." Nobunagun refused to look at him, but Jack continued. "Even though...a part of me knows it's completely illogical, and yeh, 'cringe'...I don't know. There's a part of me that also, also..." There was a lump forming in his throat and Jack swallowed in an attempt to get his voice to work. "I...there's a part of me that can't help but think about terrible things. Always tempting me; asking if I really would do something most people would consider crazy." Nobunagun cast him a sideways glance but remained silent. "Most of the time it's just random things—like, 'if you lean over just another inch you'd be tumbling over the edge', or 'what if you stuck your foot out just as that person passes'? Not that I ever acted on any of them...until now, I guess..."
"Hn; that inner voice, huh? Like I said, our brains are always trying to sabotage ourselves..." Most of the girl's tears were dried at this point, leaving a damp towel and red, puffy eyes. "So what, you think you have some sort of mental disorder...?"
Jack barked out a laugh. "Hah! God, I hope not...I don't know. I don't...fucking know. And that's the scariest part, yeh?" A chill ran down his spine and all the warmth from the shower vanished as that thought sunk in. "Oh god...I really don't want that to be true—"
"Hey hey, get a grip," hands were holding up his shoulders, a pair of glittering maroon eyes staring back at him. "Look, if you ask me I don't think it's something as serious as that. Though, I don't doubt you've got other issues that require some professional help..." Nobunagun quieted down, as if contemplating those words at herself. "Seriously, we all could... Honestly Jack, you're not the worst or, or...terrible, or a monster, or what have you—" the girl was flailing about with her hands now, trying to gesticulate since her mind was too tired to think straight. "I've been with you for, what, a few months now? And if you really were a psycho, I'd have sensed it already. Or be dead in a ditch somewhere." She shook her head. "No, you're not crazy, or warped, or whatever. You're just...going through a lot of stuff right now. And yeah, you probably don't know how to handle it—hence the whole 'flying off the rails' part—but you have people who care about you. Who...want to help you figure this shit out..."
"...Th, thank you...Nobunagun..." it wasn't the first time he'd genuinely thanked her, but this time Jack couldn't stop the tears that flowed down his face. "Seriously...you have no idea...sometimes, you just need to hear it from someone else..."
There was a gentle pat on his head, the girl now returning the favor as she handed him a towel. "Hey...I totally get that. Sometimes, the things that seem so easy are the most effective."
They sat in silence as Jack attempted to calm down, Nobunagun simply lounging on the bed and absentmindedly smoothing the sheets. His body and mind were beyond exhausted at this point, but Jack knew sleep would not come just yet.
Not until they finally talked about what happened.
"Adam...he, he's still my brother...my, twin. And yet..." His stomach turned and for a second Jack feared he would heave up all the instant ramen, but luckily he forced it back down. "Fuck, I can't believe..."
"Whoa, take it easy man; y'know, you don't have to force yourself to tell me what happened..." Nobunagun had a glass of water at the ready, but he brushed it away. "Of course, if you do wanna talk it out...I'm all ears."
As terrible as the memory was, he had to tell her; had to tell someone what he did, his thoughts, and just why...
"...Honestly, I was upset at him; I was...jealous, of how much time he'd been spending with your sister..." Jack expected Nobunagun to swing a fist into his face at that comment, but nothing happened. "I...thinking on it now, it seems so stupid...but at the time, and all the times before...I got all wound up because he never really wanted to do anything anymore..."
"...You felt left out. Like, like..." there was a sigh, before the girl sank down next to him. "...You start getting scared that they don't understand you anymore; that, no matter what you do or what you say...they just don't get it anymore." She hugged her knees to her chest. "...Sometimes I feel that way with Sio-chan, too."
"Yeh, but you didn't feel the need to go and violate her," Jack said bluntly. "I...Adam and I, we were both getting emotional by then...we'd had a row, and then shoving and yelling at each other..." His voice wobbled and tears pricked the corner of his eyes, but Jack was too tired to hold back. "In that moment, I just wanted to shut him up...to do something, anything...!" He'd buried that memory ever since that day, but now it was recalled in full-force: the anger, guilt, self-loathing and shame... And that little voice in his head that always tempted him, prodded his grotesque curiosity. How would his brother react if he did something deplorable? Something like say, a kiss on the mouth?
Hot tears fell down his face, and Nobunagun looked on in sympathy as Jack started sobbing. "H-He, I...I didn't really mean it...!" Yet as he said that, Jack found himself unable to muster any conviction. Did he really mean it, or was he just saying it in an attempt to convince himself that it'd just been an emotional overreaction? That he really, truly, didn't want anything more with his brother. 'Adam is my brother, my best friend, that's all it can be—there can't be anything else...!'
"...I'm sorry that happened." said Nobunagun, the girl uncharacteristically quiet and serious now. "I feel...deep down, you do still care about your brother as a brother. You love him, or else you wouldn't feel so terrible." Jack flinched as she said the word 'love'. Yeah; who knew if he still loved Adam as a sibling like he used to, or if he actually had some deranged, uncontrollable lust-slash-power mongering urge towards his brother. What the hell did that even mean anyway... Was it really an overblown reaction to his insecurity regarding their twin relationship, or, or...
"Did I want revenge on him..." he muttered, turning the words over in his head. Nobunagun perked up at his voice. "No—maybe—fuck, I don't know—"
"You only hurt the ones you love the most," Nobunagun lay curled on the bed, looking away from Jack. "Hell, even I've had some...pretty fucked-up dreams about Sio once in a while; weird sex ones too," she gave a sardonic chuckle, "but of course I never thought I'd actually see it play out in real life. And unlike dreams, real life made me feel real shitty afterwards."
Hearing Nobunagun admit her own dark thoughts made him feel somewhat better, but not necessarily reassured. "...Is it just that?" If he'd just wanted to get back at Adam for taking him for granted, then why did he jerk himself off while solely focusing on his twin—not just once, either. "This so-called voice in my head...honestly, it scares me," Jack's voice shook, betraying his poker face. "Th, that incident...what does that even fucking mean?! What if...what if I do have some kind of..." he swallowed hard, the lump in his throat nearly choking him, "...twisted feeling towards him..." His heart was pounding so hard the sound of his pulse blocked out all other noises, save for his own rapidly-growing breaths. Jack found himself growing light-headed, unable to concentrate on his surroundings. "I-I don't...why did I do that? Do I really see Adam as, that—"
"—You don't! It's not, I..." Even Nobunagun hesitated, as if really contemplating her own feelings as well. "...I won't accept it. The fact that you're agonizing over this, means you have a choice. You have the ability to change that...whatever it is that's causing you to feel this way." Though Jack had absolutely no faith in himself at this moment, just to hear someone else defend him kept him from completely losing his mind.
At this point, everything seemed hazy and surreal, like a bad dream he couldn't shake himself awake from. Despite the food and nap earlier, Jack was running on fumes now; nothing seemed to matter anymore, and even his fear and confusion were merely dull weights in his chest. He was so tired; tired of figuring out what to do, how to even resolve this, what Adam would think of him now...his vision wavered and he collapsed sideways on to the bed, too tired to even close his eyes as Nobunagun's worried grimace filled his sight. Even breathing felt like a chore as his chest heaved, up and down.
"Jack? Are you okay?" He felt himself rolled onto his back, though the sensations were muffled, somehow. "Just...try and get some rest now, yeah? That was a lot...in more ways than one. It'd be impossible to try and figure out how to solve it all now...especially when you're exhausted like this," Nobunagun was now unfurling a blanket and tucking it all around, "I've already told Sio and Adam that you're with me and we're gonna spend the night in a hotel, so don't worry, okay?"
He nodded, not because he agreed but because it felt like that was the right answer. What she wanted to hear. What he wanted to convince himself of.
If he really had the power to change the outcome...maybe that was the answer. He'd fucked up, but he could also make it right. Or better, at least. After all, hadn't he felt immense guilt and shame after he'd masturbated to Adam? 'You know how teenage hormones are; add in a brain that's always trying to sabotage yourself...' Nobunagun's remark came back to him, and though Jack wasn't exactly sure if that's what was going on, in his exhaustion-riddled state, it was better than nothing. To have something, anything he could hold onto and have hope...
Hope... Hope to get rid of this terrible feeling. Hope to somehow fix this situation...whatever that meant. Hope that eventually, he and Adam could go back to what they were—twins who always had each other's backs.
'Adam...I hope you're alright. And I'm sorry...'
He sincerely meant it, too.