Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Erin glanced around her empty office. Did she ever leave this place? No. The few hours she spent at home didn't count, former family dinners had been reduced to mechanical chewing and a consistent staring contest and that was on good night.
Despite her best efforts, paperwork was still piling up. She skipped sleep and stopped taking lunch breaks, but she still couldn't get ahead of it.
Aaron was right she did need help. She didn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell anymore.
"You," she muttered, placing her hands around her growing belly, "are all I have left."
The subtle response under her fingertips, should have offered comfort. Instead, more unease slipped down her spine.
"You should be moving more," she whispered around the worry that lodged itself in her throat.
She would call Mary, but she needed to take care of something first.
She made her way down the darkened halls of the Behavioral Analysis Unit only the click of her heels against the linoleum flooring and the buzz of a wayward copier could be heard.
She should have been home hours ago but the team was homeward bound and she needed to see them. Her children were safe, with their father as usual. While her Friday nights were spent trying not to drown in work; in thoughts of her family in how Paul couldn't look her in the eye anymore and the way McKenzie tried to atone for it.
Thoughts of her unborn child and her last conversation with David still haunted her. He had a right to be upset, to a point. But If God forbid, something wasn't right with their child, she didn't want to know. Was that wrong? Whatever happened in the womb couldn't be prevented, so was it wrong to deny them the early warning? Maybe, but what difference did it make? She could handle it. With or without Dave, couldn't she?
Stepping off the last stair and into the bullpen, she started a fresh pot of coffee. The team would need the extra dose of caffeine to drive home. That was the one thing she could still do right.
Stepping out of her heels, she sighed in relief when her swollen feet made contact with the chilly floor. She picked up the shoes and studied the soles. Four inch patent leather wasn't appropriate work attire, anymore Dave had been right about that, too.
Hotch mentally groaned at the sight of fresh coffee. The case was as routine as you could expect when dealing with a serial killer. Still the coffee shone like a beacon in the dark. Lifting the mug to his lips, he caught Morgan's look.
"Don't get too relaxed," Morgan warned nodding pointedly toward the window in the office at the top of the stairs, "it looks like you've got problems."
The whole team followed his gaze. A cloud of apprehension settled over the room.
"She's been waiting awhile." J.J. pointed out, even from their viewpoint she could make out Chief Strauss' feet propped up on one of the visitor's chairs.
"Probably since she heard we were on the way back," Reid cut in.
Dave stared moodily into his mug and said, "I'm willing to bet she made this coffee, as a peace offering."
Hotch discretely tapped his friend on the shoulder in a gesture of support. Dave's lack of phone activity while they were gone and his general distant demeanor were clues that he and the Section Chief were on the outs.
Mounting the stairs with a growing sense of doom, Hotch prayed he wouldn't have to play marriage counselor.
He let himself inside, "Chief Strauss," he said, in mild surprise.
She jerked herself awake, "we need to talk." She said, sliding her feet to the floor. He pulled the blinds closed and rounded the desk. "What's wrong?" He asked in concern, taking his seat at the desk across from her.
She cleared her throat awkwardly and let out an unsteady breath. "I don't know if you've noticed, but, you weren't written up."
"For...insubordination...?"
"You weren't wrong, Aaron."
"I appreciate that, Ma'am, but what's really going on?"
"You were right-" She said softly, hating the way she sounded, "I'm in over my head."
"And you're asking for my help?" He asked partly surprised.
She swallowed against the tightness in her chest and folded her hands in her lap.
"I'm looking for my replacement."
"Why?" He asked, this was the last thing he expected.
"I didn't think I needed an explanation," Erin replied with just a touch of coldness in her tone.
"You came to me. I assumed there was more going on." He replied, leaning toward her. An intimidation technique, Chief Strauss wasn't an unsub, but she was holding something back. He was going to find out what it was.
This was a bad idea," she murmured and started to stand.
His brow knitted, "What makes you say that?"
"This...you..." She wiped a weary hand across her forehead. "Forget I said anything."
"I can't do that, Ma'am. You came to me for a reason. Just talk."
"Aaron," Erin shook her head, "forget I said anything." She looked at her watch. "I-I have to go."
"You're quitting your job and that affects me, now tell me why."
"You wouldn't understand," she argued.
"Probably not," He admitted, "I don't know what it's like to balance a demanding job while being a single parent."
"Sarcastic remarks like that will get you written up," She warned, fixing him with a glare.
"No sarcasm intended, Ma'am." He said flatly.
"Tell me that you have something to drink in your desk."
"Water?" He asked, pulling out a bottle.
"I was expecting 7-Up or Coke, but this will do." She took the bottle and bent down to slip her shoes on.
"Sprite?" He offered.
"Better." Erin handed the bottled water back. "If you pull out a pizza, I will yank all of the counseling sheets out of your personal file."
He grinned slightly; who knew his boss had a sense of humor?
He looked at the clock, his own stomach clenched in hunger.
"It's too late for pizza, but I have...chips...and..." he rummaged through the desk...and, "trail mix."
"You have next weekend off with no call in," she extended her hand and gestured for him to hand the bag over.
"Are you ready to talk? Or are you here to eat all of my junk food?" He quipped.
"This hardly qualifies as junk Aaron."
"You're stalling-"
You just wouldn't understand." She tried twice to open the bag and failed. Tears pooled in her eyes.
"Try me." He gestured for her to pass him the bag and pulled out the letter opener.
"I can get this," she protested. Pulling hard, the bag ripped open peanuts and dried fruit scattered all over her, the desk and the floor. Too overwhelmed, she burst into tears.
"It's alright," he said, a lame attempt at comfort he grabbed the box of tissues and slid them towards her.
"It's not 'alright'," she contradicted between sobs. "Nothing is 'alright'."
Burying her face in the Kleenex, Erin only sobbed harder.
Something was obviously weighing on her; Hotch did the only thing he knew how. He circled the desk and pulled her into a hug.
"This is against regs." Erin's words were muffled by custom tailored jacket.
"It is, for now," he acknowledged, "but you're quitting anyway. Is that better?"
The tears wouldn't stop. God, she felt like a fool. Taking a deep breath, Erin pulled back and tried to wipe her tears with the back of her hand.
"It's alright," he repeated, handing her another handful of tissues.
"This is embarrassing." She said, wiping her eyes.
Hotch shrugged, "it happens,"
"Not to me," she sniffled pitifully. Her eyes flicked upward. "And not in front of you." She said, a hint of defiance laced her tone.
"It's a little late for that."
"Thanks." She swallowed hard, "I think."
"Everyone reaches their breaking point, Erin. Are you ready to tell me how you reached yours?"
"You don't have time for that."
"Jessica took Jack out of town, so I have all night and all of tomorrow."
Erin shifted uncomfortably in the chair and looked at the floor. "Oh. She started to stand up. "I need to get this cleaned up..."
"Leave it. I'll get it on the way out."
"Aaron- " she started to protest.
"This is my office; I'll get it on the way out."
A slight smile graced her lips, "Are you pulling rank on me?"
"Maybe. Now stop biding time."
"I don't do counseling, Aaron." She reminded him.
"That's not what this is, I'm not taking notes." He assured her, "this is just a conversation between colleagues."
She let out a shaky breath, "I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"I took everything out on you..."
"What's ''everything?"
"My anger, my failures at home. My job...is going to Hell and...my personal life isn't going much better."
He inclined his head, urging her to continue.
"And Dave," she sighed, she didn't want to have this conversation but her mouth wouldn't shut up!
"He thinks I'm just an incubator! "
"You don't think he's genuine?"
"I don't know," she snapped, "one minute he wants us to be a couple, at least, I think that's what he wants. Then the minute it looks like something's wrong, he jumps ship."
Hotch's frown deepened slightly in distaste. What was Dave doing?
"I'm sorry..."
Her eyes flicked towards the ceiling, with tissues pressed to the corner of her eyes. "I can't- make him love me. I can't make my family work-" she choked out. A fresh wave of tears threatened to overwhelm her. Fucking hormones, God she couldn't hold a conversation without breaking down.
"Are you..." he paused, seeking the correct term, "craving?"
"No," she denied, shaking her head violently. "That's the one thing I'm doing right."
"Are you sure you're ready to step down?"
"I don't have a choice. This job..." she paused to gather her thoughts, "It's taken too much from me, from my family..."
"I have contacts in the State Department. I can help you find someone, if you want," he offered.
She nodded in understanding, "thank you.' She glanced at her watch, "I should be going now."
"I'll get the car." He stood and got the keys from his pocket.
She cast him a blank look, "I'm sorry?"
"With all due respect, Ma'am, this ...conversation has been tough on you. I think it would be a good idea if you let me drive you home."
"You don't have to do that, Agent Hotchner," she protested. All she wanted to do was fall into bed, the shower could wait until the morning.
"No, I don't but I want to, you're in no shape to drive."
She nodded and fought the urge to yawn. She was dead on her feet before she even stood up.
"Thank you."
"You were there for me when I needed it most. I'm just returning in kind."
She nodded, "I appreciate it."
She got to her feet, nuts and M&Ms littered the floor.
"I'll take care of it," Hotch said, when Erin's gaze hit the floor.
"How old is Jack?" Erin asked, needing to fill the silence through the long stretch highway. The school issued portrait was the only personal touch in sight.
"He'll be 8 next month," Hotch said with a hint of pride in his voice. "I don't know that it makes a difference, but I'm glad you came to me tonight. I know what it's like to be stretched too thin and I'm not complaining, especially not to you."
She shrugged, "as you said, this is just a conversation, I'm not taking notes."
"A few weeks ago Jack asked if I could 'be the boss' and send Jessica home."
Erin smiled, "oh really?"
"I gave her some money and told her to have a good time and then the call came in. Two little girls had been abducted from their beds."
"I remember that..." Erin murmured, thankfully the team had brought them home safely.
"Jack gave me a hug and told me to be careful."
Erin raised an eyebrow in the dark, "and what about Jessica?"
"She was more upset than Jack, but my point is, our kids don't suffer as much as we think they do." Hotch said, turning off the highway and onto a residential street.
Erin looked out the window at the unfamiliar neighborhood.
"I made a wrong turn, didn't I?" Hotch asked, surveying their surroundings.
"I wasn't paying attention, I'm sorry," Erin said.
"No worries, I'll turn around."
Erin nodded, "this place doesn't take kindly to local cops-"
Hotch pulled into an empty lot and made a U-turn. "Much less federal agents," he finished her thought.
Erin breathed a relieved sigh at the well-lit street.
Turn here," Erin instructed, staring out the window, the traffic was replaced by trees and foliage. She blinked hard and forced her eyes open.
Hotch navigated the car down the narrow road, the terrain under the tires shifted from smooth asphalt to potholes every few feet. He shifted his gaze from right to left and back again. "You're hidden back here," he said.
"I'm two streets over," Erin said.
The SUV sped up slightly, "He's tailgating me," Hotch ground out in annoyance when a red truck pulled close behind them. He's texting," Erin explained, glancing at the reflection in the side mirror and rolled her eyes.
Hotch tapped the accelerator again as the truck came dangerously close to the bumper of his SUV.
"Turn here."
Hotch guided them slowly around a narrow curve, streetlights shown through the windows. Erin glanced at the speedometer.
"This is a 30 mile zone!" She said, panicked when she saw they were going 60 mph.
"I don't have another choice."
Suddenly the truck came to a full stop behind them.
Hotch jerked the wheel as the vehicle began to spin out of control towards the street lamp. The sound of crushed metal and Erin's screams reverberating through the cab, were all that could be heard.
Author's note:
The 2014 PROFILER'S CHOICE CRIMINAL MINDS FANFIC AWARDS are back! Calling all CM readers and authors! Join us in celebrating the best of the best CM stories for the annual Profiler's Choice CM Awards! Help us and let your voices be heard. Please check out the nomination ballot and rules at the ProfilerChoiceAwards2014 Forum (Direct Link also in my profile). All rules and information are on the forum. Nominations begin November 15 and are due December 31st. Good Luck!
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