A/N: Alright folks, this is the last chapter before the epilogue! Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 14

"You seem pretty miserable today, Jack," Trost commented.

"A lot has happened," Jack explained. He told Dr. Trost all about how he had hurt Audrey during a nightmare, how he had run away, how he had kissed Marilyn so Audrey would break up with him.

"Jack, I can fix the lashing out during nightmares part," Trost informed him. "I can send you home with tips for Audrey so that she knows how to respond to the nightmares safely."

"No," insisted Jack. "Audrey and Jack Jr. are safer without me living there."

"So, you took years of love and respect for Audrey and just threw it down the drain by kissing Marilyn? Why?"

"Audrey never would have let me leave just because I hurt her by accident. She's too forgiving. She needed a clear reason to let me go."

"We have a word for that in psychology. Self-sabotage," Trost informed him. "You forced someone who brought you great happiness away. Why?"

"To protect her," Jack shouted, not understanding why Trost didn't get it. "She deserves so much better."

"There it is," Trost said. "You don't think you're worthy of her love."

"I'm not," Jack muttered.

"Why?"

"I've done unimaginable things to people. I've killed people, tortured them, used innocent civilians to catch terrorists which put them in harms way."

"What do you think Audrey sees in you?"

"What?" Jack asked, never having been asked that question before. Honestly, he came into this appointment thinking Trost would agree that he had done the right thing by leaving.

"I want you to consider for a few moments, what does Audrey see in you? Think of it from her perspective and erase your own thoughts about yourself from the mix. Whether you think it's true or not, what does Audrey love about you?"

Jack considered it for a minute. He had always thought there were no reasons that Audrey should love him, but he supposed Trost had a point. There must be something she loved about him in order to love him for so long and so deeply.

He thought back to when they were first dating, the things that had made her fall for him. He supposed the thing Audrey liked most was that he was always thinking of her. Bringing her coffee in the morning, buying her flowers, finding her in crowded rooms to talk to her more. He gave her the attention that she had been lacking in her marriage. He supposed she also felt that she could trust him. They opened up to each other about things that they didn't share with many other people.

After he had faked his death, Audrey still loved him when he returned. Now, as he reflected back on the day he returned, Audrey seemed to love his selflessness and his loyalty.

"She thought I was dedicated, trustworthy, selfless, and loyal," Jack reported. "I guess all the same reasons I love her."

Trost nodded. "You have a lot of self-hatred that we need to work on. We need to reverse your thinking to a more positive outlook of yourself and we need to get you to forgive yourself for the things you have done. Even if you think those things are unforgivable."

Over the next two weeks, Jack buried himself in work to the point where he could barely say that he was staying at Marilyn's. He had slept and eaten just enough to survive, almost like he was torturing himself for what he had done to Audrey. He was miserable without seeing his family and felt that his life didn't really have direction without them. He wasn't sure what was in store for him now, but knew he would never be happy again. That he would carry guilt with him for the rest of his life. He supposed he deserved it.

At his two therapy sessions, Dr. Trost had made pushes for Jack to really dive into his issues and change his outlook as discussed at their last session, but Jack had resisted, becoming quiet and less open than ever before. Trost had encouraged Jack to try, as he could sense that Jack's attitude had taken a dangerous turn. Jack had muttered that there really was no point in trying to fix him and left before Trost could remind him that he could make the recommendation that Jack was unfit to run CTU. Dr. Trost decided to give Jack one more appointment to make a change before calling Division and telling them to pull Jack.

Two weeks passed and Audrey was still struggling with Jack being gone. She continuously put on a happy face for Jack Jr. and distracted him whenever he cried out for his dad. At night, she would do all the chores alone, drink a couple glasses of wine alone, and go to sleep alone. Occasionally Kim would come over which helped with the loneliness. Except all Kim wanted to talk about was how she was angry and hurt that her father had abandoned them. Audrey listened and tried to console her and make excuses for Jack's behavior but it was hard when Audrey felt the same frustration that Kim did.

One night, Audrey got a phone call from her father.

"How's my grandson?" Heller asked.

"Good," Audrey told him. "Just put him to bed."

"And how are things with Jack?"

Audrey lied and said that everything was going well, not wanting to tell her dad that Jack had broken her heart.

"I was thinking I could come visit next weekend," Heller suggested. "Have dinner with you guys."

Audrey didn't respond right away. "Yeah, of course. You can have dinner with me and Jack Jr."

"Not Jack?"

"No," Audrey said sadly.

"What happened?" Heller wondered, knowing that Audrey was probably upset.

"Honestly, I'm still kind of confused about it," Audrey admitted. "I think Jack pushed me away to protect me and I'm still hurt about it."

Heller talked to Audrey for a while and let her cry to him about Jack. It broke his heart to know that his daughter was hurting so much. But, Heller was able to see what was going on with Jack.

Years ago, Heller had returned home after his service in the military feeling like he was no longer himself. He had seen terrible things. Friends die in the line of duty, innocent people being slaughtered. It haunted him when he returned. Back then there was no diagnosis for it. Now, they called it PTSD. Heller remembered his wife, Alicia, telling him that she didn't recognize him anymore. That he was different than the man she fell in love with. He remembered holding back everything he had been through from her, wanting to shield her from it. He remembered almost losing her because he had pushed her so far away. It wasn't until she told him that she was pregnant with Audrey, her face white as a ghost in fear that she would have to raise the baby without a stable partner by her side, that he snapped out of it. Not that his PTSD was cured, but he had decided that day that he would work through his demons and no longer run from them. He had built a beautiful life because of it.

Heller had no doubt that Jack had PTSD. Not only from the horrors inflicted upon him in China, but also from all of the things he had been through at CTU. Heller could imagine that it was worse than anything he had ever endured. Now Jack was pushing Audrey away. He needed a wake up call to face it head on if he was ever going to get his life back. If he was ever going to make Audrey happy again. If he was ever going to be fully there for his son. And, Heller knew he had to try to help.

Jack was packing up his things at work at the end of the day on Friday when there was a knock on his office door. He looked up to see Secretary Heller through the glass door. Jack got nervous, not knowing if Audrey had told him yet about their situation, and not wanting to be the one who had to tell him. Jack waved him in and tried to relax himself. He was probably here on business.

"Sir," Jack greeted.

"Jack," Heller replied, a serious tone in his voice. "Let's sit."

Jack took a seat as his desk chair and Heller sat across from him.

"How have you been, Jack?" Heller asked.

Jack's eyes narrowed, trying to figure him out. "Fine, sir."

"I know you and Audrey are no longer together," Heller admitted.

Jack looked away, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt her."

"But you did, nonetheless," Heller stated.

"I'm not sure what you want me to say."

"Do you love her?"

Jack met his eyes. "Yes."

"Then, be with her."

"It's not that simple," said Jack gruffly.

"Because you aren't facing what you've been through," Heller scolded. "You're avoiding what happened to you in China. The faster you face your demons the faster you can be back together with Audrey."

"I am facing it," Jack countered. "I go to therapy once a week. I face it every night in my dreams."

"Well, start going more often," Heller demanded. "You go once a week because that's what you are required to do to retain this job. You want to get better? You need to start taking it more seriously."

"Why do you even care?" asked Jack, harshly. "You didn't seem so thrilled about my relationship with Audrey or about me being alive when I asked for your help taking down Logan. You certainly didn't care enough about my well being when you left me to rot in a Chinese prison."

"I tried to get you out of there-"

"Not hard enough!" Jack yelled. Heller was in a position to make arrangements for Jack's release. Jack knew he could have if he tried, but instead Heller saw him as expendable, despite the close relationship they had built when Jack was working under him.

Heller sighed. "You're right, Jack. I didn't."

Jack wasn't expecting that. He was expecting Heller to make excuses for himself.

"I'm sorry, Jack," he apologized. "Truly."

Jack calmed down as he sensed that Heller's apology was genuine. There was silence for a few moments.

"I want to help now," Heller told him. "By forcing you to pull yourself back together. Hell, I'll pay for any uncovered therapy costs."

"I can't go to therapy every day. I have a job," Jack said, making excuses.

"I can take care of that," Heller said. "As of today, you are temporarily suspended. Katrina Wolff will take over in your absence. She's more than capable."

Jack didn't speak, knowing that Heller was right about needing to do this, but knowing it would be hard. It was exhausting enough talking to Trost once a week.

"I almost lost Audrey's mother because I pushed her away when I needed help. To this day, it still kills me that I put her through that. Now, seeing my daughter go through the same thing, I won't allow it."

Jack nodded, recognizing that he had been putting an unbearable burden on her since the moment he returned from China. "You're right, sir."

Jack sat silently in Dr. Trost's office. Jack was tired. He had told him everything. Everything that had happened to him in China, everything he had felt. Well, except one thing. But, he would take that to his grave. Trost had been shocked when Jack had made five appointments for the week and showed up ready to talk each time. He had given Jack homework each day after their appointments, and Jack had taken the time to reflect and had done everything Trost asked him to do.

"What are you thinking about, Jack?" Trost asked him.

"I told you everything about China," Jack told him. "Why don't I feel any different?"

Trost chuckled. "It doesn't work like that. It's not some magical cure."

"So then what the hell have I been doing the past week?" Jack asked, bitterly.

"Making progress even if it hasn't felt like it," Trost encouraged. "What I've seen: you haven't said that you don't deserve anything good or that you deserved any of the pain you've gone through, which is a huge improvement from when I met you. I haven't heard you call yourself a monster. I've seen you working through this in order to make a better future for yourself, when you used to focus on one day at a time. There's still more to do, but this has been a great start."

"Where do we go from here?"

"Reshaping your thinking," Trost explained. "We need to take the painful memories you have and change your outlook on them. We have to figure out how to not let them control your thoughts."

Jack sighed. "When will I be ready enough to go back to Audrey?"

Trost smiled. "Only you can make that call, Jack. You're the one who pushed her away in the first place. My thought is that if you're asking, you're obviously ready to be with her again. You miss her?"

Jack nodded but then looked sad. "I still had one nightmare this week. I could hurt her."

"I'm not worried," Trost told him. "And, neither is she from what you said. Besides, you're assuming she's even going to take you back right away."

Jack rubbed his neck nervously, knowing there was a chance he lost Audrey for good.

"And, if you're that worried about it, you could tell her you still don't feel comfortable sleeping next to her just in case. But, you can still be with her."

Jack nodded.

After his therapy session, he went to a florist and bought a bouquet of flowers for Audrey. He drove over to her house and let himself in, knowing Audrey wouldn't be back for a few hours from work. Jack placed the flowers in a vase on the table, cleaned for her, and cooked dinner for them. He set the table for two with romantic candlelight illuminating the flowers. He poured two glasses of wine.

He then called Kim and asked if she could watch Jack Jr. when Audrey got home. Kim came over just around five when she knew Audrey would be home.

"Dad," Kim greeted bitterly.

"Hi," Jack greeted nervously.

"How could you just leave like that? You didn't even say goodbye," Kim asked, angrily.

"I know, Kim," Jack said. "I made a mistake. I accidentally hurt Audrey during a nightmare and I was worried about everyone's safety around me. I'm sorry for shutting you out."

Kim sighed. "Are you better now?"

"Trying," Jack told her honestly.

"You made Audrey dinner?" Kim asked excitedly.

Jack nodded.

"You two are getting back together?"

"Well, if she'll have me," Jack said nervously. "We have a lot to talk about."

When Audrey came home, she nearly dropped Jack Jr. from her arms when she saw Jack standing over the beautiful dining arrangement he had set up.

"Jack, what is this?" Audrey asked. Jack walked towards her and touched her cheek.

"Audrey, I know I have a lot to explain, but will you please have dinner with me so we can talk?" Jack proposed.

Audrey nodded, reluctantly.

"I've got him" Kim said, taking Jack Jr. from Audrey.

Kim left and Jack led Audrey to the table with a hand on the small of her back. Jack pulled out her chair for her and sat down next to her.

"Jack, what's all this about?" Audrey asked.

Jack gulped. "I love you. I want to be with you. And, I know I've let you down, but I want to make it up to you."

"Jack, I-"

"Please don't make a decision yet, Audrey," Jack begged. "I have a lot to tell you."

Audrey nodded.

"When I got back from China, I was not alright. But, I was thrown right back into action. I never had a minute to process anything. And, then, I found you and we had a son, and it was just more action. A different kind of action but it still didn't give me any time to process. I went right into our relationship, into being a dad again, into work again because I didn't want to think about China for a second. I was using all of that to mask the pain, and telling myself that I was healing. But, I was forced to think about it every night in my nightmares. Flashbacks during the day. It was an awakening that I was not actually getting any better. And, when I pushed you into that glass table, I panicked. And, I knew you were going to try to convince me to stay but I was terrified of possibly hurting you. Not only physically hurting you because of the nightmares, but hurting you emotionally because I felt like I had no control anymore. Which, I guess I did anyway."

Audrey nodded and waited for him to continue.

"So, I lied about wanting to be with Marilyn so that you would refuse to be with me when I knew you would have taken me back and I wasn't strong enough to leave you. I did kiss her, but only so you wouldn't want to be with me."

"Jack," Audrey whispered, taken by surprise. She knew Jack hadn't dealt with his trauma from China but she didn't realize that it was as bad as it was. "I wish you would have told me."

"I'm sorry," Jack apologized. "I thought I could handle everything on my own."

"But, what's changed?"

"Your father talked some sense into me. I've been going to therapy regularly. It helps a little."

They sat in silence for a minute while Audrey tried to think about what would happen next.

"I love you," Jack repeated. "I hope you can forgive me. If not today, then someday. When you're ready."

Audrey smiled and stood up, quickly relocating herself to his lap. Jack wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him. She kissed him lovingly on the head, on his cheeks, and finally on the lips.

"I love you, Jack," she promised him. "I love you so much. And, I want to be here for you. Please let me in this time. Don't push me away."

Jack nodded in agreement and kissed her again.

They finished eating their dinner before talking anymore about Jack or China or therapy. Then, they moved to the couch where they laid comfortably in each other's arms.

"Hey, Jack," Audrey said suddenly, breaking their silence.

"Yeah, sweetheart?"

"I just want you to know that you can talk to me about China. I know you're trying to protect me from how bad it was. I don't want you to. I can handle hearing about it, and I want to listen. I want to understand."

Jack kissed her cheek. "I've told Dr. Trost all about it this week. I'm not sure I can relive it all again right this minute. But, I will tell you about it."

Audrey smiled and cuddled into Jack's chest. "I'm just glad you've told someone about everything."

Jack sighed and Audrey looked up at him, confused.

"What?" she inquired.

"There's one thing I can't tell him. It's been bothering me."

"If it has been bothering you, it's probably the one thing you need to talk about most," Audrey advised. Jack nodded. "I'm listening if you want to."

Jack considered it. It was the moment he was most ashamed of from his time in China. The moment where he lost all hope. The moment he betrayed his country. He did need to talk about it. He would have started with warning Audrey that she could never tell anyone, but knew that she never would. He trusted her completely.

"I had been in China for-" Jack paused. He had no idea how long he had been in for at this point. "Well, I don't know, but a while. Cheng wanted to know which of his agents was double crossing them. They used defibrillators to torture me to tell."

"It's not your fault if you told," Audrey assured him.

"I didn't speak," Jack told her. "I never once spoke."

Jack continued, "After that, I was in my cell. I was thinking of you. I was thinking about the life we could have together if I ever got out of there. I thought about coming home and surprising you and the look that would be on your face when I showed up at your door. And, then like magic, two Americans came into my cell to get me out. They helped me escape."

As Jack gathered his thoughts, he ran a hand through Audrey's hair, grateful that she always knew exactly what he needed when he opened up to her. It was one of the reasons that he had found opening up to her to be so easy. She always knew when to listen, when to ask questions, when to hug him or snuggle against him. She knew him perfectly.

"But, when we had gotten past the Chinese, the Americans brought out one of the agents that Cheng had asked me about. They asked if I recognized him. I nodded."

Audrey stroked his shoulder, knowing how this ended. It was a trap to convince Jack to give up the double agent.

"Cheng came out, the Americans who had rescued me restrained me, and they killed him in front of me."

"Oh Jack," Audrey muttered. "You can't possibly fault yourself."

"Of course I do," Jack told her. "I gave him up. I betrayed him. Betrayed this country."

"You were tricked," Audrey reminded him.

"One that I should have seen through," Jack insisted. "I should have known better. I'm a field agent. I should be able to recognize traps."

"You were a prisoner. A prisoner who had been through unimaginable things," Audrey corrected. "Nobody could expect you to be on top of your game in your situation. You weren't a field agent then. You were just a man who wanted to be freed."

"I cost that agent his life," Jack murmured.

"You hold yourself to too high a standard, Jack," Audrey told him, running a finger across the stubble on his cheeks. "You're a good man. With good intentions. I wish you could see that."

Jack kissed Audrey, feeling better that Audrey had so much confidence in him.

After much convincing, Jack spent the night with Audrey. In the morning, he was happy to report that he had slept the whole night without a nightmare.