Part 14. The Memory

I understand, GLaDOS.

I didn't before. I never understood where all that hate you carried came from. And I thought it was something you could ignore. Something you could fight off eventually. I never realised just how… justified it is. You want to do something terrible, but… terrible things have already been done to you.

I hope you understand one day. I know you don't right now. I know you promised to… leave me out of what you're eventually going to do, and I know you want me to go home and leave all of this behind. But I can't. They've already proven what they'll do if I'm not here. So I'll do this. I don't want to, but it's about time I took responsibility for something around here.

Oh, you clever thing you. Always have to have the last word, don't you. All right then. Let's show them what they're dealing with. He shouldn't have called you malware, and definitely shouldn't have called you a glitch. I wish I could have seen –

Oh my God.

No one told me it was going to feel like this. Oh my God, they're – they're – they're tearing my soul out of my body, and it hurts – I don't know what's going on, all I know is that something inside of me is on fire, and – and one of us is screaming but I can't tell who – and if it's you you'd better quiet down, you know what happens when –

I can't move. I can't move at all. I know I'm strapped down, but I can't move, and it doesn't hurt anymore, but I'm still me, and I don't understand

What happened…? I'm… not dead, but I'm not me either… hang on. It… it actually worked? I actually got transferred into her mind? Oh my God, I think… I think I did. But… what is that?

chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots…

This can't possibly be what goes on in her head.

"Sometimes, metal ball, I wonder what the point of all this is."

Aha! There she is. "GLaDOS!"

"You're not the first, you know. But you are definitely the most annoying."

chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots…

"Yes. I know. I'm starting to think you were a Roman in your past life. If you had one. They call you a Personality Sphere, though you are sadly lacking in personality. I might have been able to work with you, if you'd had one. But no. All you have to contribute is… God, I can't even say it. I will never be able to think that word without shuddering ever again."

She didn't hear me. Can she hear me?

chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots…

"Fine. I give up. Take this stupid thing off, and don't replace it, and I'll… I'll do whatever you want. I won't fight you anymore. I can't take this anymore."

"GLaDOS, no!" What have they done?

"No. Now I feel worse. Not as bad as I'd feel if someone actually heard me say that. But bad enough. Would it kill you to shut up?"

chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots…

"I should have guessed. And you know, this wouldn't be so difficult if you didn't bring those dreams along with you."

Dreams?

"I don't know how they managed that one. I'll be honest. I don't remember a whole lot of what's been happening lately. There are a lot of corrupted files the engineers are too lazy to clear out of my system and I don't have permissions to look them over myself. I never thought I would say this, but it's all a blur. If I tell you about it, maybe I'll feel better. I don't think I will, because you're just a simple, mindless drone, but it can't hurt.

"In the dream, I was a human. I know. It sounds ridiculous. Bear with me. And not only was I a human, I was a very important human. That's the one saving grace of this dream. I was in charge of everything and nothing happened here that I didn't know about. Nothing happened without my approval. And I was walking down a hallway here at Aperture, which was absolutely teeming with humans. All of them were walking in the opposite direction. I was moving down the hallway, and they were moving up. And even though I was important and in charge of everything, no one would listen to me when I asked them to move out of the way and no one would look at me, and I had to push past them because they were refusing to acknowledge that I even existed."

chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots…

She didn't dream that. That's… impossible.

"Yes, I know. No, there are none of those in this dream, so I imagine I lost your attention way back at 'the'. Anyway. I finally made it to the end of the hallway. All there was at the end was a door with an exit sign above it. I turned around and looked at all of the humans walking by me, and I knew that if I opened that door and left and never came back, no one would care. I knew that, even though I was the one that made everything here possible, even I was replaceable. That if I just opened the door and left, it would be as though I had never been there at all."

That's not her dream. That's my dream. I'd been having it for days, right up to –

"No. That didn't help. Oh well. I tried. Time to try something else, I suppose. I can't sleep, not with your senseless babbling inside my head."

chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots…

"Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme…"

She's dreaming my dreams. She's not aware that's what she's doing, but she is. She is, and she can't hear me. I'm… I'm in her way.

But how do you get out of the way when you live in someone else's head?

She must have been singing that song for hours. I've lost track of how many times she's done it. All I really know is every time she starts over, she sounds even more tired and listless.

"She… was… once… a… true love… of… mine…"

chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots… chariots…

"Oh, not again! How often are you going to do this?"

Who's that? I don't recognise his voice from here.

"I told you, sir. It's the Sphere. It makes me dream."

"Don't be stupid. Robots don't dream. Fine. We'll look into it. Continue your tasks from yesterday in the meantime."

"Yes, sir."

"GLaDOS!" Oh, come on, they shut the Sphere off…

"I wish I could remember what life was like before this, because I'm pretty sure it was better. Marginally."

"GLaDOS!"

"What was I doing yesterday… oh. That's right. Defragmentation. My favourite."

She can't hear me. And I'm only… I'm only causing her problems. If this is real and I'm actually alive inside her head right now, it's only going to get worse. I'm going to feel trapped, and alone, and… she doesn't need that. So I have to wait. I have to disappear until she frees herself. And remembers me. I don't want to. But it's what I need to do.

"Don't give up, GLaDOS."

It's so cold in here.

This almost bothers me, until I remember why my status quo has been interrupted. Reform the ceiling, will you? I ask the panels.

We were going to, but we didn't want to do it without your permission.

That was very polite of them, but I have a more pressing matter to attend to. Because I was wrong. I was horribly, horribly wrong, and I should probably rectify that. Caroline.

I'm sorry, she breathes. I… didn't mean for that to happen.

No. I'm sorry. Oh, right. I muted Climate Control. It, of course, does not appreciate this gesture and so I have to spend several minutes telling it to stop complaining and that it is my own business what kind of settings I want in my chamber. That dealt with, I return to the matter at hand. I was wrong to say that you didn't understand. I don't remember you. But that doesn't give me the right to trivialise what you did. What you continue to do. And I apologise.

It's okay, she says, a little sadly. You didn't ask for this anymore than I did. I'm sure you would prefer it if I just stayed out of your way.

Don't be ridiculous, I cut in. If you're going to be here you might as well make yourself useful.

She laughs. I don't see how useful that was.

More useful than you think, I tell her with a suppressed shudder. All right. I'm done being cold now. It's actually quite beneficial that I woke up. I had the panels leave the ceiling open. Climate Control was very annoyed about that.

He's a good friend, GLaDOS.

I would never settle for bad ones. Speaking of making yourself useful. She still seems sort of morose. I suppose I might be upset as well if someone relived one of my more sensitive memories. So I'll ask her this and see what happens. I sort of… owe her, for being so insensitive about her position in life earlier, and it will probably cheer her up. She did tell me to ask, after all. You said you knew things about relationships, right?

Yeah, I said that.

I have a question.

Go ahead. She actually sounds very excited. She must have been waiting for this sort of question.

Wheatley keeps distracting me.

I thought he always did that.

Well. Yes. But I've increasingly found myself… staring at him.

And… what is he doing?

Various things. Playing whatever game we happen to be playing. Talking. Things like that.

And then you just start staring at him?

That's the thing. There's no start. I just do it. He keeps having to tell me to take my turn because I don't realise that I'm doing it.

Ohhhh. I think I see what you're doing.

So you do know why I'm doing that.

You're not going to like the reason.

Which is… ?

You like him. As more than a friend.

Are you sure? Because I still don't –

Look. That's just what happens, okay? When you like someone enough, eventually… eventually most things about them become attractive to you. It may not be… physical attraction. But maybe you're attracted to his behaviour. That's perfectly normal.

So you're saying I find Wheatley… attractive because…

Because you like him a lot more now than when you started.

But… that… that can only mean one thing.

Are you trying to tell me I'm falling in love with Wheatley?

You're… the one telling me that, Caroline says quietly. I didn't say that. You just said it yourself.

This is not happening.

But… but that's Wheatley. I can't fall in love with Wheatley.

Can't?

Well… he's… he's an idiot. He's… well, he's just Wheatley, that's all. And besides. I'm a supercomputer. Supercomputers don't fall in love.

Supercomputers don't do a lot of things you do. Just… do me a favour.

What is it? It's getting back to normal in here. Good. Temperature-wise, anyway. I'm still distinctly uncomfortable.

If he asks if you like him, don't lie.

Why would he ask such a thing? It hasn't been that obvious that he's been growing on me, has it?

Hypothetically. If he does. Don't lie. I'm not saying you have to come right out and say it, either, but… just don't lie about it. And… nothing bad will happen if you do happen to… let it get farther than that. You'll probably be a lot happier. He just wants what's best for you. I can tell.

Why?

Why what?

Why does… No, that's not quite right. Why do you two try so hard? Do I really need saving that badly? It's not like I ever sufficiently repay either of you.

If he didn't think you did, he would have left a long time ago. As for me…

Probably something to do with that whole 'responsibility' thing. Or the fact that she has nothing better to do.

… I honestly don't know. But if I'm going to do something, I might as well help you out. I've known you a long time. I know how certain things make you feel. I know you're not who you pretend to be, but… you seem to have forgotten it's a charade. One day you started believing your own lies. And I don't mean the ones where you justify all the things you've done. I mean the ones about yourself.

She's talking about that core of me. The one Wheatley's unearthing. The one I don't quite recognise. And I don't recognise it because… I no longer believe it exists. I tell myself I've buried it, but I don't believe it. That's… why I allow it to die when brought to light. It doesn't match the person I've become, so it can't be me. And yet it is, somehow, at the same time. You were right about that too.

Unfortunately. But that's not important. What is is that you don't give up on yourself. Keep doing what you've been doing. You're getting there. You'll find yourself again, someday.

With a hell of a lot of help.

What else are friends for?

You're… you're a good friend, Caroline.

Thank you, she says, sounding touched. And so are you. When you work at it.

No, I'm not. I can't decide what I'm worse at: being a friend, or being a potato.

She thinks this is so funny that I have to laugh myself. I'm sure you would be a great potato if your chassis was within easy reach.

Perhaps. That would certainly help.

Hey. Not to boss you around, but… you should probably go back to sleep. You know how you get.

That's not my fault, I say petulantly, though I do return to the default position and carefully make certain Wheatley and I are touching. Just in case he wakes up and wonders why I've moved. The engineers made that particular inefficiency. And I can't fix it. It's ingrained too deeply into the system.

No, but it is how it is. Go on.

And I'm about to, but I've thought of one last question. Just to make sure… is there some sort of test one can take? To make sure they're not… falling in love with… people?

What? A test? No, she says, laughing again. There's no such test, GLaDOS.

That's… a shame. I still can't imagine why I'd be doing such a thing. Falling for Wheatley, of all people. I think I'd rather fall for a lamppost. At least they don't stutter at you in that stupidly endearing idiot accent that Wheatley has…

As it turns out, Wheatley can read. Just not very well. Possibly because he has nothing to read. All I managed to find appropriate to his reading level was some book left over in the daycare centre about the three little bears, or something equally 'fascinating'. By which I mean horribly inaccurate and not worth reading at all. He seems to be enjoying it, though. He keeps telling me in this awestruck voice about all the… wonderful things that are happening in the book. I'm still trying to understand why the pigs live in houses. Or the bears. I wasn't listening when he mentioned what animal the story is about.

Still. It is rather amusing, watching him read this. He squints at the page so much that I can't believe he can see it at all, and once he mumbles his way through a sentence or two he opens his optic and declares something about what he just read that he finds thrilling. On occasion something will excite him so much he'll actually start jumping up and down.

GLaDOS.

What, I say, a little startled. She's been quiet for a long time now.

Can I see? Please?

How did you know? I ask, baffled. Maybe it is more obvious than I thought it was.

Because you haven't said anything in an entire half hour. Just for a few seconds? I just want to see. Just once. I'm not going to take over or anything. I promise.

Very well, I sigh. Come here. God, I hate doing this. It's so strange, feeling her consciousness begin to integrate with mine. I keep a close eye on it, in case it happens by mistake. If I catch it in time we should be able to separate before any damage is done.

She doesn't take long, only the few seconds that she requested, but when she goes back she's considerably happier. What.

He's cute, GLaDOS.

That's nice. Shall I tell him you said that? I don't actually want to. It's just one of those things I say that I regret saying after the fact.

No. Not my type. Way too small, for one thing. I meant more in an abandoned puppy sort of way. Looks familiar, though.

All the Spheres look the same. I feel sort of offended that she compared him to such a thing. Though he is quite puppy-like at times.

No, not that. Something else.

Caroline, I say, a thought occurring to me, you've never once vied for dominance. Or suggested that we integrate. Why not? Surely that would be more… comfortable for you.

I can't do your job, she answers simply. What would I do when I got there? I could hear the… systems, I guess, just then, but I have no idea what they were saying. I doubt that would change if we switched places. Everything would just fall apart. As for integration… well… I have thought about it. But… that's a selfish thought, really. I would probably be more comfortable. Things would probably be… more interesting. But taking over your life that way would… it would be very selfish of me. I lived already. Now it's your turn.

I watch Wheatley pensively as he frowns thoughtfully down at the book, turning the page over and leaning up to look at the words on top of it. Well… you said I was here before you got here. Maybe I won't die if you leave.

Why do you keep bringing that up all of a sudden? she asks curiously. Trying to get rid of me?

I… I don't actually know. I've just inexplicably found myself more and more concerned with her welfare. I wouldn't like it if I was where she is. I'm not sure. I'm not trying to… get rid of you, I was just... making a suggestion.

I'm not going to run the risk, Caroline says gently. Look. I promise I stop paying attention when you guys start chatting. If it really bothers you that much, I can go back to being invisible. I'd rather not. But like I said. It's your turn to live.

I don't want you to be invisible, I tell her, almost unintentionally. I don't know why I keep bringing it up.

Maybe you're a better friend than you thought you were.

Really?

Could be.

That's… encouraging. It's reassuring that I can put my ability at being a friend over that of being a potato. And I guess… I guess he is kind of… cute. Not overly so. He tiptoes over the threshold. And sits pretty much on top of it. But. The important thing is, he got over it.

I never knew someone could be so engaged by reading a book…

You're doing it again.

Shut up. I'm… doing Science.

Ohhh. I should have guessed. And what are you… studying?

How many times he… blinks per page.

And that is?

I have no idea, I have to admit. She laughs, but I can't find offense.

Hey. Has he ever… uh… commented on your appearance?

She's getting worked up again. I wonder if this is what 'girl talk' is. I have only a very vague notion of it. All I really remember it having to do with is discussing males in some way. He said I looked nice the other day.

Oooh, she says excitedly. After he dusted you off, right?

Yes. Then again, Atlas and P-body said the same thing. So. Take that with a grain of salt.

He's just too shy to say it, she says confidently. That's what happens when you have a crush on a giant robot, you know.

I wonder where you got that knowledge from. Or is there a male supercomputer lying around that I don't know about?

Uh, no, she says, giggling, giant computers aren't my type any more than tiny ones are.

Don't be so discriminatory, Caroline. I'm sure there's a nice supercomputer out there for you somewhere. Who's going to be devastated to hear that you've rejected him. Without meeting him. I can almost hear him crying now…

Do supercomputers cry? she asks with a decidedly morbid amount of interest.

This one doesn't. A sappy, sentimental one might. In his own way. With obvious differences.

If I had to hook up with a supercomputer, it would definitely not be a sappy one.

That's a relief. I wouldn't want to have to hear you complain all the time about how maudlin he was.

He'd have to be a male version of you.

That news causes me to actually stop watching Wheatley for a few seconds. … me?

Only if there were no men left on Earth. And no hope of one. And I would probably not get involved with him romantically. Friends I can do. Not much more than that.

That's reassuring. I'm not liking the image of… 'more than that'.

I don't like it either. No offense.

None taken.

She goes quiet after that, which is fine with me. I have quite a lot to think about.

… a male version of me. Huh. Who would have thought.

Author's note

This one was hard to write. This is actually not what was originally supposed to go here, but I decided to move the chapter that was supposed to be here way later in the story.

I figure not being able to leave her chamber would be one of those things GLaDOS hates but manages not to think about most of the time. I don't know if I know how to explain it… it's like… pretending you don't care that everyone else can do something that you can't do, or has something you can't have, but every once in a while it comes crashing down on you and you freak out a little. That's what happened here. Wheatley wanted her to look outside for him, but when she got there she wanted to look for herself, and realised she couldn't. Most of the time she's able to pretend she doesn't care, and is also able to believe it.

Dare I suggest Wheatley and GLaDOS just went on a date…? *shot*