Part 106. The Footage

There's millions of hours of this stuff.

It used to take me a long time to go through it, and it still kinda does, but I'm still a lot faster than I was. I managed to find Caroline's office a few months ago. I thought it was gonna be a jackpot, but it mostly wasn't. Not a lot of people ever went in there, other than her. She rarely had any visitors. She didn't even have any fun things in her office like I've seen on TV. It was just… work, all the time.

Until the day the lava lamp appears on her desk.

I only ever found one day where my mom talked to Caroline in her office. It's one of the two days I go back and watch a lot, but I always start with this one.

"Oh, hello, uninvited guest," Caroline says, head propped up on her right hand as she looks into the camera. "Why should I stop what I'm doing to do whatever you want me to do?"

"You know what I want you to do," Momma says.

I never figured out or found what it was they're arguing over. It was something Caroline was helping her with, until she quit doing it. And Caroline refuses to help again until my mom says she needs that help.

"If I do this… you can't give up again. Now you know, I don't want to put all of this time and effort in just so you can quit. Because that's what you did. You quit."

"You won't tell anyone, will you?"

"I wouldn't, even if there was someone who cared," Caroline says, laughing. "Now go away. I have work to do. And so do you."

It's so weird how alike they are.

The other one is from the day after the lava lamp appears. Caroline sits down and looks like she's about to do some work, like she always does, but then she looks at the lamp and then she just… tears up. I can't find what this was about, either.

She looks at it until the phone rings, which she just turns her head in the direction of very tiredly. After the seventh ring she sits back in her chair, presses the flashing button on the phone, and puts the receiver to her ear.

"Yes?"

"We had to crash her again, ma'am."

Caroline leans forward, rubbing her forehead with her free fingers. "You cannot keep crashing her. If anything goes wrong with her you will never be able to find it."

"We had to, ma'am," the man on the phone insists. "She was… well, she was screaming. You know what happens to the mainframe when she does that."

Caroline sits back in the chair again, eyes closed. "And you're sure there aren't any… I don't know… quick shutdown procedures you can whip up?"

"That is the quick shutdown procedure. A system of her size takes at least twenty minutes to close down properly."

"It seems you might want to get to work on something faster," Caroline says, frowning. I always wince a little at this part. She doesn't seem to know anything about computers. I don't think I could shut down in less than ten minutes.

"Yes, ma'am. Are you coming down?"

"Yes," says Caroline, and then she hangs up. Then she just starts staring at the lamp, tapping one finger against the desktop. Then she says, in a frustrated whisper, "How in the hell do I discipline a supercomputer?"

I always wonder if my mom ever asked herself that question, but about me.

"I can't punish her," Caroline continues, folding her arms. "I can't threaten her or give her more – no. No, she'd probably like it if I gave her more work to do. That would just confuse her."

I can't believe Caroline took on the job of being my mom's mom with all the other stuff she had to do every day. She must have really liked work herself.

"I can't shut her down," Caroline mutters. "I can't send in an authority figure. She doesn't feel shame or guilt… does she even know what morality is? Did we –"

The phone rings again. Caroline picks it up, presses it to her ear, and then drops the handset back into place. She crosses her arms again and frowns at the desk.

"The only thing she understands is…" She shakes her head. "Logic."

"So what did you do?" I whisper, even though I already know.

"She's… like a child," Caroline says, standing up. "A very smart, stubborn, immoral child. I have to look her in the eye, explain what she did wrong, and state that she is never to repeat the behaviour. Calmly. And then… hope she respects me enough to actually care about any of that." The phone rings a third time and instead of answering it she just places the receiver on the desk. She looks up at the camera suddenly. "… Is my supercomputer a psychopath? Can a supercomputer be a psychopath?" She shakes her head and walks around the desk, reaching for the door handle. "The real question is why I'm doing this to myself…"

That's not just the way Caroline disciplined Momma. That's also the way she talked to her the day she left. She couldn't look her in the eye, obviously, but she explained what she was doing calmly and hoped Momma respected her enough to actually care.

Momma's going to do that with me the next time I see her. Except she's going to be mad on top of it. Like always.

… I could just avoid her. Forever.

"Why did you have to teach her that?" I ask Caroline's frozen image. "Do you know how much it sucks to have your mom look you in the eye and tell you what you did wrong because you were too dumb to figure it out yourself ahead of time?"

I obviously can't avoid my mom forever. Not just because that's impossible, but because Dad and Claptrap were right. I do need to apologise. I messed up big time.

"Momma?" I ask tentatively, hoping she'll say no. "Can I talk to you?"

Unfortunately for me, she nods once. So I guess I have to do this. Stay calm and… and make it clear that I know what I did wrong so she doesn't have to do it.

"Um… I'm sorry for… well, all the stuff from earlier. It was your business and I should have just… let you deal with it."

"That's right," Momma says, and even though there's only a little bit of an edge to her voice it still makes me wince a bit. "It was my business and I was dealing with it. Until you decided what was best for me and my boyfriend. The kind of thing you're always lecturing me about."

Yep. She's still mad at me.

"I just… he was so frustrated about it and his self-esteem –"

"How do you think mine feels? Now he's going to pity me. That was the exact last thing I wanted. What am I supposed to do about that?"

"I don't know, Momma," I mumble mostly to the floor panels. "Maybe he won't."

"Why did you decide he needed protected from me, Caroline? Do you really think so little of the both us and our ability to work through our own problems? We actually know each other quite a lot better than you seem to think."

"I was trying to do the right thing!" I shout at her, and I really shouldn't've done that but it is way too late now. It's better than what I really want to do, which is start crying. I think she's about to tell me I disappointed her and if she does I –

"I know that," Momma says. "But that doesn't change the fact that you were wrong to do it. Other people's private business has nothing to do with you. Claptrap made the choice to consult you and I have no problem with that. But I was not included in that choice. It wasn't a package deal."

"Well, what do you want me to do now?" I yell at the floor. I already apologised and I am sorry about it, so what's the point of all this?

"I want you to listen. Which you seem extremely determined to avoid doing."

"I am listening."

"No. You aren't. You are still trying to justify yourself. Everything I've said so far you've readily met with an argument. That means you aren't listening at all."

"I didn't know I was doing that," I say, and my voice comes out way smaller than I meant.

"Have I ever told anyone anything private about you, Caroline?"

"No, Momma."

"Do you think I ever would, barring a genuine emergency?"

"No, Momma." I don't think she would even if it was an emergency, which just makes me feel even worse.

"Then why did you do it to me?"

I know what the real answer is. The really real answer, and not the one I was pretending it was. But I don't want to say it. I don't want to say it to her. I want to just leave, and then… then I guess she can just…

What would she do if I just… left? Would she punish me? I don't know. She's never done that before. But she'll have to do something. And whatever it is, she won't want to do it. She wants to just do this and end it right here, as long as I understand what I did wrong.

I don't want to make my mom have to punish me.

"Because I didn't care what you wanted," I say, and it's almost as hard as looking her in the eye while I do it is. "I didn't… I didn't think about that and I didn't care and I just decided that you… that you were being stupid. I decided I was the only person that… that it only mattered what I thought needed to be said. It was wrong and… and thoughtless and I'm sorry."

The moment she holds my gaze is the longest moment of my entire life. I have this awful, panicky need for her to stop, or for me to somehow make myself stop, and for a nanosecond I'm actually afraid this moment will never end. Then she finally looks away from me and the relief is so strong I almost feel like my chassis is gonna fall apart.

"Good. Now go."

But… she always gives me a cuddle after stuff like this.

"… Momma?"

"What."

No. Not this time. I upset her and I didn't mean to, but it doesn't matter. I shouldn't expect her to baby me when I'm the one in the wrong. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't want anything else in the entire world except for my mom to let me cuddle her just for a second or two. But she's not going to. She's still mad at me. My mom wants me to go away.

"Good night," I say. It's the only thing I can think of she doesn't have to respond to.

"Good night," she says. Shortly, but… she said it.

Dad is asleep, but Momma and Claptrap are awake. I don't actually know if Claptrap sleeps at all. I've never even heard him talk about it. Maybe he does for like, an hour or something. Maybe robots don't need sleep on Pandora. Maybe –

Maybe I should stop trying to distract myself from thinking about why Momma asked me to come here in the middle of the night. I don't want to think about that, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't.

"What did you want, Momma?" I ask, as normally as I can. I really hope it's not because she's still mad.

"Claptrap said I shouldn't let you go to bed upset," she answers, and he looks at me and shrugs.

"I mean, you shouldn't."

"He also had quite a lot to say about my parenting methods."

"You were too harsh! You didn't have to snatch her wig like that."

"I know my daughter, Claptrap," Momma says to him, annoyed. "I know what I have to do to ensure she listens."

"She's right," I say to him quietly, even though I hate that she is. "I didn't like it, but for sure I won't do anything like that again."

"I disagree!" Claptrap says. "But I'm outvoted here."

"I took your other advice. That should be good enough."

"That's right! You did!"

"So you should probably quit while you're ahead," Momma says to him. Then she directs her attention to me. I don't mean to, but I shrink a little. I really don't like it when she lectures me. Even if I kinda deserve it. "You want to be a parent one day, don't you?"

"Yes, Momma."

"So you've thought about how sometimes children do things that make you angry whether you want to be or not."

"Well… no."

"You should probably think about what your reaction is going to be. Because it's going to happen. I guarantee you that."

"Well, I mean… I could just send her to her grandma, who could tell her about Android Hell. That would probably do it."

I did not expect her to laugh about that, but she does. It makes me feel better. She's not mad and she's not going to keep scolding me. It's okay. It's over.

"Why? Is she going to be an android?"

"I mean, maybe? I don't know. Shouldn't I think about the AI first?"

"Whatever you end up putting in there will have entirely too much of you."

"If you didn't want that then… why'd you give me so much of you in the first place?"

"She's got you there," interjects Claptrap. "You definitely didn't get an even split."

"Oh, I definitely did," says Momma. "This is all entirely Caroline's fault. You know what she told Wheatley the day she left?"

"Nope!"

"She said, 'make sure that little one over there is as stubborn as she is, so she'll know what she put me through.' And I have been plagued with that stubbornness ever since."

It was the only time Caroline ever said anything about me. The only time she got to see me.

I don't understand why I miss a woman I never met so much.

"Caroline?"

I realise I started looking at the floor while I was thinking and I right myself. "Yeah?"

"I'm not angry anymore. You can have that cuddle you've been waiting for."

Of course she knew.

I don't even care that I'm pressing into her too hard. As always, when she pushes back on me it's very gentle, despite her size. I still don't know how she does that. "I don't like to be angry with you, Caroline," she murmurs. "I hate it as much as you do. But you left me no options."

"I know, Momma," I whisper back. Even all these years later she still feels the same as when I was little: like someone who can hide me from the world. Who absolutely would, if she had to. "I learned my lesson."

"I hope so. For both our sakes." I'm a little sad that she moves away first, but I mean… she didn't have to do this. "Now go to bed. I've had enough of today."

"Momma?" I say, even though I know she wants me to shut up. But this is important.

"Yes?"

"You really are beautiful, you know."

"Not now, Caroline," she says tiredly.

"C'mon, kiddo," Claptrap says to me suddenly, "I'll take you back."

We go about half the way in silence, but then I have the sudden need to ask him something. "Did you know my mom doesn't think she's beautiful?"

Claptrap taps one hand against the wall and I get the feeling he doesn't really want to answer that. "Yeah," he says finally. "Yeah, I knew. But if there's one thing I know for sure it's that you can't do a thing about somebody else's self-esteem. You can tell 'em anything you want any time you want, but you can't make 'em believe it."

"But how did you know?"

He stops altogether.

"Well," he says, "when I was seein' her the first time she told me she'd never had a boyfriend before. And I said to her, 'But you're so pretty!' and all she did was… she seemed confused that I'd say such a thing. Even if she never heard it before, that's not what a girl who knows she looks good would do."

"That's not what I would do," I agree.

"I wouldn't do it either! Hey. Are you sure she wasn't too hard on you? 'cause I think I woulda rathered disappear through the floor than listen to that."

"She wasn't," I say truthfully, thinking about Caroline's little conversation with herself. "The only other thing she could've done was punish me. And neither of us wanted that to happen."

"Ooh. What's that like?"

I shrug. "She's never done it."

Claptrap starts off down the hallway again. "Somehow you ended up with the best and the worst mom ever! Also, if you're ever gonna get to your room you kinda have to start moving."

"Um… Claptrap," I say to the floor panels, thinking about the cuddle I wasn't ready to end, "would it be weird if I uh… if I went to sleep in my mom's room?"

"'It's only weird if you make it weird' is my motto!" says Claptrap, spinning around to face me again. Actually, he spins too far and has to catch himself with the wall and use it to push himself back in the right direction. "But seriously. Why would that be weird?"

"Kids don't usually do that when they're not kids anymore."

"That sounds dumb."

… it does sound dumb.

"You're so smart, Carrie," he says fondly. "There's a lotta reasons I love you a lot, but that's one of them."

"Why do you say that so much?"

"Is it bad?" He doesn't even wait for me to answer, just continues with, "Ah, I don't care. I never thought about what I was sayin' before and I ain't gonna start now!"

Saying what you feel no matter what isn't really the best idea, but… he makes it work for him. Somehow.

What took you so long, Momma complains as soon as we re-enter the room, and Claptrap waves at her even though she's lying down.

I like to enjoy the sights! The grey paint is uh… well, it's… I got nothin'. Also, Carrie's back! She's gonna hang here tonight.

She raises her core enough to look at me. "… why?" she asks, sounding confused. I shrug and go up next to her.

"'Cause I want to?" Please don't make a big deal out of it.

"Just accept it for what it is, babe! When's the next time she's gonna want to cuddle with her mom all night?"

"I didn't think there was going to be another one," she admits, lowering her core.

She wants me to do this. Even though I'm not a baby.

Well. I'm still her baby.

Maybe Claptrap has the right idea. Maybe it's not that he tells people he loves them too often, but that nobody else says it often enough. I can't even remember the last time I told my mom that. Or my dad. And I don't even have a good reason.

Momma? I ask, but in binary so she doesn't have to think as much about what I'm saying.

What, she answers. She's obviously not happy that I'm talking when she wants to sleep, but this is important.

I love you, Momma.

… what's the occasion? she asks cautiously, which only confirms that maybe I wasn't saying it enough.

No reason. Hey, is it fun, Momma? Interfacing?

She sends me silence for a minute, which is how she tells me she's going to answer after she thinks it over.

It was, she answers finally. Before I understood what we were doing.

He'll make it fun again, I tell her. He's good at that.

Yes. Yes he is.

I don't expect her to say anything else, but she says, a little slowly,

You know you don't have the euphoric response. Right?

I'm a little confused, but I think I know what that means, at least. I didn't really look for it.

Do you want it?

Well… yeah. It seems to be worth the hassle, from what everybody tells me.

I don't actually have it myself. It's installed directly into the chassis. So I should be able to find it.

I'd like that.

All right. But I'm not giving you the Itch. If it means you forget you have that functionality, I don't care.

Is that what that's all about? So humans don't forget to interface with each other? Okay. Wait. Doesn't that mean Dad doesn't have it either?

He doesn't. He thought he did, but… he forgot what it was like. Somehow.

I'm doing my best to be quiet, I really am, but then she says, You've been searching for the recording that tells you what I did to upset Caroline so much.

Yeah, I say sheepishly. It's kinda… eluding me.

You're never going to find it, she tells me matter-of-factly. I was the sole camera in here at the time.

I probably should have figured that out myself.

Do you want to see what happened?

Really?

I might as well. She retrieves a monitor and puts the relevant recording on it, where it sits in freeze-frame. It will be easier than telling it.

What she shows me is… weird. Not just because I can't tell if it's her vision that's kinda low-definition or if it's something to do with crappy old storage, but because of how she sounds. Her voice is completely dead. She's telling Caroline the experiment of their friendship is over, which you'd think would be a super emotional thing to do. But there's nothing there. This is a far cry from the person who couldn't even think about Caroline without getting upset. Almost stranger than that, though, is that she doesn't seem to care about what she's doing. Like… she just doesn't understand what all the things she's saying mean.

"Do you deal with me the same way she did with you on purpose or is it just a really weird coincidence?"

"What?" she asks, sounding genuinely confused.

"You've seen the footage I was looking at, right?"

"No," she says. "I have far too much to monitor as it is without trawling through ancient history."

"Well, I'm gonna send you something. The thing you do with me is the same as what she used to do with you."

After she's finished watching it she looks to the left a little. "Huh," she says. And that's it.

"Why would you tell her you didn't want to be friends anymore?" I ask. "I mean, I only know about things from her point of view, but it seemed like you cared about her."

I can guess she doesn't really want to get into this right now from the long look she gives me. But because she always answers my questions, she says,

"When you don't have emotions, friends are mostly a useless waste of time."

"What?" says Claptrap from below us. "Friends are a useless waste of time? Since when?"

Momma generates a sigh like she knew that was coming. I actually forgot he was there. "Claptrap, I wasn't made with emotions. I developed them over time. Without them, friends for the sake of friendship are stupid. They provide little to no advantages and are a relentless time sink. Back then my emotions tended to… fade in and out. So yes. I did at one point conclude that my singular friend was a useless waste of my time."

"She musta been a saint."

"She was decidedly no such thing. I was just about the only person she didn't manage to work half to death, and she would have probably done it if she hadn't known she'd have to live inside of the hardware she'd burned out long before it recouped its expenses. Now, are you two finally going to let me go to sleep? Honestly. You complain all day about how irritated and unpleasant I am, and then you do things like this."

That makes me kinda mad, since she was the one who brought this up in the first place, but Claptrap just… touches her with her free hand and I hear her calm down immediately. "Sure, baby," he says. "Go right ahead."

"Are you sure? Don't you want to pester me for another few hours first?"

"Nah. It can wait until tomorrow."

Okay, I get that she wanted to go to bed and it seemed like nobody was going to stop talking. But she didn't have to be like that. And Claptrap just… lets it go. Every time.

"Why do you always let her talk to you like that?"

He doesn't answer me for a minute.

"Did anybody ever tell you about when we were together the first time?"

I shake myself slowly. "No. Nobody ever talks about that."

"Well… I could do it, but it would probably be easier if you just saw it yourself," Claptrap says thoughtfully. "I can send you all that stuff if you want."

What? "Really?" He's just gonna… offer? Just like that?

"Sure. I got nothin' to hide. I'm pretty sure all the R-rated stuff is tagged. But if you come across any of it, just uh… skip to the next day. That should be long enough."

I sure hope so, 'cause I really don't want to see any of that. "Are you really okay with me just… looking at all your memories?"

Claptrap shrugs. "I've had people jump into my memory and do whatever they wanted with it! Doesn't bother me. Anymore. Just don't make a big deal with her out of what you see, alright? I just think you should probably have some context here and I know she ain't gonna hand it over."

"Thank you," I say, as genuinely as I can.

"No worries, kiddo."

Author's note

This took a really long time because of Borderlands 3, which I immediately had to drop everything to play, but some of you may have already guessed that.

As always, you will get your one yearly consistent update on November 1. That's the other half of why this took so long (I knew I was going to have to write two chapters at once to make my only deadline lol).