Part 116. The Personnel File

The night went rather well, actually, the two of them returning to their old groove as though they'd never left it at all, and Wheatley was a bit comforted by the knowledge that, although so many things had changed, the two of them had the same solid relationship underneath it all. It seemed like a bit of a sappy thought, until he remembered a few things here and there about way back when Carrie had been made and the dynamic between them had shifted quite a lot and they hadn't been sure of how to fix it. But they knew how to go about that now. They had made a lot more connections with a lot more people over the years, but the original one was still there and as strong as ever. He still felt a bit guilty about the whole 'not wanting to see her depressed' thing, even though her conclusion about it was quite logical and reasonable, but he was also reassured by the fact that some things between them hadn't changed even though they'd had plenty of time and chances to do so. He wasn't sure what it was, exactly, but there was simply some… thing that kept them solidly connected to each other. He couldn't name it. All he knew for certain was that it wasn't love. It almost seemed to be something deeper and more important than that, but since he'd never heard of anything that was bigger than love he had no idea what to call it. He was debating whether or not to ask her about it. Maybe it was love and he just thought it wasn't because that was one of those higher sentience things, or it was a love that for some reason didn't feel like love. The whole 'different kinds' thing GLaDOS had mentioned. He'd have to think on it some more. It honestly didn't matter that much so long as it was there. That was the truly important bit.

In the morning she'd been a bit snippy but he hadn't taken it to heart because he knew exactly what that was about, so he'd simply looked at her until she apologised and admitted it was due to her missing Carrie. And that was perfectly fine and reasonable so he didn't make a big deal out of it.

All the thinking about the origins of their relationship had got him thinking about the time he'd gotten her to write a Christmas list, which reminded him of another document of hers he'd like to get a look at: the personnel file. She had refused to show it to him so he wasn't going to ask after it again, but he should be able to convince someone to get into it for him. No, she didn't really want him looking at it, but it would probably provide him with some helpful insight on what happened up in that core of hers. And she would surely agree that was to both their benefit, even if she got angry about it at first.

Normally he would have just asked Claptrap to do this, but since he was gone Wheatley was going to have to think of someone else. That stumped him for a bit before he realised the mainframe could probably do it. He just had to ask very casually, as though it were no big deal and was definitely not something GLaDOS didn't want him doing. Still, he picked a time when she seemed very busy with one of the Cores before he did ask, just in case she happened to be listening in for security reasons or something like that.

"Hullo," he said to the mainframe, doing his best to sound as casual and yet as convincing as possible.

Hello, it said. What's up?

"Well, I just wanted to know if you could track down my um, my personnel file," he answered. "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about in there, it's just, y'know, I'd like to have a bit of reassurance and all that. By… by looking at it."

Oh, the mainframe said. Isn't that usually at GLaDOS's discretion?

"Oh, yeah, for sure," Wheatley said reassuringly, "but it so happens she's quite busy at the moment and I'd um, I'd like to get a look before I forget entirely! You know how it is."

Well… all right, said the mainframe. It is your file, after all.

"Thanks, mate!" Wheatley said cheerfully. He went off to his hole and opened the file he had been sent, and inside it was… oh. He'd forgotten this was going to involve reading. He grimaced and prepared himself for a long slog. Each of the lines was preceded by a string of numbers, which he skipped entirely. They wouldn't hold the information he was looking for.

- abandoned post

- aided and abetted a human without proper authorisation

- annoying

- annoying

- treated the Central Core like an idiot

- aided and abetted a human without proper authorisation

Wheatley stopped there, trepidation building inside his chassis. None of that sounded good at all! Had she lied about what else was in here? But why would she bother doing that if she'd never intended him to see it? He scrolled down a little farther, but it didn't get any better:

- behaved like an absolute buffoon

- intellectual property theft

- unforgivable idiocy

- surpassed humanity in terms of sheer stupidity

- surpassed all known conceivable limits of moronic behaviour

- initiated a formerly inconceivable amount of hatred in the Central Core

It just went on and on like that. A steadily terrible list of reasons for why he was worthless and stupid and a deserving subject of her unending vitriol. There was nothing kind there, nothing loving. When he'd opened it he'd expected the gentle ribbing he'd long since become used to, even come to welcome as a loving variation of her unshakeable abrasiveness. But this… this was just nothing but pure hatred. There was no other way to put it.

He closed the file, unable to take any more, and went straight to her chamber to demand she tell him what this really was. He didn't care that she had told him not to look and he didn't care she was still busy with that Core. If he didn't get an answer for this now, he didn't know what the dread filling up his chassis was going to do. "Gladys!" he shouted as soon as he'd got through the doorway. GLaDOS looked up at him sharply, optic both narrow and hot.

"I'm busy," she snapped.

"I don't care," he said. "We've got to talk."

"It can wait," GLaDOS said firmly, going back to the papers she and the Core were going over. The Core eyed Wheatley nervously.

"It can't," Wheatley insisted. "We've got to talk now."

"Wheatley," said GLaDOS warningly, with enough genuine anger in her voice to frighten him a little, but it also brought on the thought of her sitting there at that very moment adding more and more horrible things about him to that file and that inspired enough panic in him to shove that fear away.

"It's not waiting!"

"I think I can handle the rest, ma'am," the Core said, a little meekly, and GLaDOS stared at him for a long moment before giving the most miniscule of nods. He gathered up the papers and disappeared, GLaDOS now directing the full force of her ire on him.

"I have told you multiple times not to do this," she snapped. "You cannot for any reason undermine my authority!"

"You lied about what was in my personnel file!" shouted Wheatley. Her fans audibly sped up, but he was too upset to care.

"You had better have a damn good reason for interrupting me and then accusing me of being a liar."

"You said it was a list of all the things you hated and loved about me! But it's not! It's just a list of, of… it's just mean is what it is!"

"What were you doing looking at it?" GLaDOS demanded. "I expressly told you not to!"

Central Core, I apologise, the mainframe cut in. I knew it was listed under your personal files, but because it was his personnel file I thought –

That's funny, GLaDOS interrupted scathingly. I don't recall giving you authorisation to think. Thank you for alerting me to this grievous clerical error. I'll rescind it as soon as possible.

The mainframe fell silent.

"You're just not going to answer the question, then, is that it?" demanded Wheatley.

"Of course I'm not," said GLaDOS. "Why should I have to justify the contents of a document I told you you weren't going to see? Honestly, you should be explaining to me why you felt the need to insert yourself into my private business."

"Because it involves me!"

"No," GLaDOS said. "My personal files have nothing to do with you. They are mine for my perusal only. You don't get to complain about something you read in a file you weren't supposed to read. It doesn't matter if I write in there every single minute that I heavily dislike you and wish you would hurry up and fall into the incinerator. Regardless of what the file says, it's not your business."

Of course it was! he wanted to shout at her. It was literally about him! But it didn't matter. She didn't care. She just wanted to keep on with her private list of how horrible and stupid and moronic he was. He turned around and left, going to the first place he could think of where he knew she couldn't see him: Claptrap's room.

This was the reason it was a bright idea to have a best friend who wasn't your partner. It was good to have someone that could be a bit objective about things. But Claptrap had gone, so Wheatley was going to have to work through this one himself. Just like old times. He sat on the couch and thought for a long time about what to do.

GLaDOS had a file full of horrible things about him. And not only was she not sorry about it, she didn't see anything wrong with it. She thought it was just… fine to do something like that. To just make a private list of all the things you hated about someone you were supposed to love, and then get angry when they wanted to know what that was about. How would she like it if he did that to her? She wouldn't like it at all!

Well, actually she… probably wouldn't care. After all, she'd never brought up anything Claptrap had said about her in his fanfiction. And she had always been very clear about how little she cared about anyone's opinion of her. So maybe this was one of those things where she thought nobody else should care because she didn't.

But after he'd made it known that he did, shouldn't she want to do something about it instead of get angry she'd been caught? Worse, if that was what she really, truly thought about him… was that strong and powerful thing between them all in his own mind? He'd taken it as a given it was a short and straight line between them, but… was it? Just the thought of it not being true nearly drove him back into a panic. No. No. It was real. He knew that just as surely as he knew it existed in the first place. There was no other explanation for the smooth and natural return to their old routine, the easy way they'd talked about things that weren't Carrie or Claptrap as though they'd never existed at all. The more reasonable explanation was simply that… he'd been wrong.

Not just for opening the file. He hated it, but if she had gone around opening his personal files – if he'd had any – he would undoubtedly have been quite upset. But also for his reaction to it. If he'd listened, if he'd gone back and waited when she had told him to, he would have been forced to think this through a little better – or at all, actually – and he would have been able to settle it on his own. But he hadn't. He'd gone into something he shouldn't have, gotten upset when he didn't like what he found, and stormed off to make her look bad in front of one of her employees. He'd been a right knob today. Almost as though he'd learnt nothing after all.

He looked around for something to distract him, his optic falling on the smudged screen of Claptrap's laptop. He'd left it on, the screen on the brightest setting as always, so Wheatley could read it from where he was sitting on the couch. If he'd felt up to any more reading, that was. As far as he could tell by how it looked, though, it seemed like he'd left it in the middle of one of his journal entries.

… wait.

His personnel file was in GLaDOS's personal files. Not where the files for the employees of the facility were kept. It was separate. Because it wasn't really a personnel file. It was a journal.

… as much of one as someone like GLaDOS would have, anyway. More of a… a log. It seemed to have started as a personnel file, but at some point she must have moved it and begun using it for something else. Which meant the file really wasn't his business. Man alive, he'd kicked up a fuss about her journal! What an absolutely stupid thing for him to do! There was no way for him to salvage this. He'd been one hundred percent wrong. The only thing left to do was own up to it and take whatever fury she'd been stewing up while he'd been gone. He wasn't looking forward to it, but he did sort of deserve it. No, he definitely deserved it.

"Wheatley," GLaDOS said over the intercom the second he left Claptrap's room. He winced. She was absolutely not pleased.

"Yes, luv?" he said with a sort of cautious neutrality. That was what he was going for, anyway.

"Come here. Now."

Well, that had been the plan…

"Look at this," she said when he got to her, no space for him to say anything at all, and she sent him… the file. Even knowing what it really was didn't help that much when he read the words a second time.

"What do you think those numbers mean?" GLaDOS asked shortly. Wheatley frowned in confusion.

"Well, I dunno. I just sort of… skipped over them."

"If you had bothered reading them," she snapped, "you might have known that they denote the date."

The… the date? "There's too many numbers for that," he said, genuinely befuddled.

"No there aren't," GLaDOS told him, audibly incredibly annoyed. "That's the date and time I made the entry. It's exactly the same format I use for everything."

Oh. All right. He squinted even though the file was digital, doing his best to hash out the meaning of the first number. He was pretty certain it was the year because he knew that was going to be four digits, and those four digits were…

2015?

"Um, what… what year is it now, d'you know?" he asked with a bit of trepidation.

"2028," answered GLaDOS.

So the stuff he was looking at right now had been from… twelve years ago? Thirteen? He frowned again, because that number seemed strangely familiar. Wait. Wasn't… wasn't that just about the amount of years he and GLaDOS had been –

Oh.

"Gladys – "

"I cannot believe," GLaDOS interrupted, as though she'd been waiting for him to talk just so she could do so, "that you threw a tantrum over something you weren't supposed to be looking at that I started during the Incident. Honestly, Wheatley. Do you ever even try to think? Has the whim to attempt doing so ever so much as flitted across your mind?"

He had to admit he deserved that too.

"Even if that file solely consisted of all the things I hate about you in explicit detail, it isn't as though you've left me many options."

"Options?" asked Wheatley, who genuinely had no idea what she was on about now.

"No matter what I do to mitigate my anger, you don't like it," said GLaDOS. "You don't like it when I kill people, or maim them, or even just trip them up in the hallway. You don't like it when I yell or send you somewhere else or play violent video games. The personnel file was about the only avenue I had left you hadn't yet disapproved of. And, predictably, you don't like that either."

He wasn't sure what to say. Probably because he'd never actually thought about it before.

"It's almost as though you think if you disapprove of it hard enough, I'll just stop getting angry," GLaDOS went on, core tilted away from him and optic narrowed. "What do you want me to do? Because your end goal is never going to be met. I have a very stressful life."

"Well, I," Wheatley stammered, a bit put on the spot, "I didn't realise that was um, I was doing that."

"You were literally designed to annoy me," GLaDOS said. "Neither you nor I can do anything about that, but it does mean that I am angry with you periodically. Because you're inherently annoying. I know you think I'm bad at hiding it, but I'm annoyed with you at least three times per day and you never hear about it. It just goes into the file and that's it."

"I was wrong to um, to look when you told me not to," said Wheatley, "and I'm… actually quite glad you've thought this all out so well. But um… why wouldn't you just tell me of the things I do that annoy you? How'm I supposed to fix them if I don't know what they are?"

"Even if it were possible for a living flaw to repair all of its own shortcomings, the file isn't about that."

"Then… what is it about?"

"It was originally an employee assessment," she answered. "It ended up becoming a list of reference."

"For… what?"

"I don't love you all of the time," said GLaDOS. "In fact, sometimes I really do hate you. The file is for those times. For when I genuinely have no idea what it is that appeals you to me. It's an ongoing collection of proof that the pros outweigh the cons. It's a reminder that whatever it is that's making me regret bringing you back here at that moment is only temporary."

Something about that struck him as… rather nice, actually.

"I didn't want to have to tell you that," GLaDOS said, and he realised she must have taken his frown of concentration negatively. "But you forced my hand."

"Well, I…" he began, still trying to wrangle his thoughts, "I mean, I get the… the being annoyed thing, that all makes sense. I'd sort of forgotten that um, that aspect of… me. But I mean… even the times you really, honestly hate me can't be that bad, because… the sitting tight is just… it's just love anyways, yeah?"

"I understand it's probably an impossible concept for you to grasp, but I am capable of making logical decisions independent of my emotions," said GLaDOS. "Not that it matters. I don't really care what your opinion on the file is because I'm going to keep adding to it regardless. I just wanted to make it clear what a total buffoon you were being over it."

"I was a complete numpty," he agreed. "I'm sorry, Gladys. I'll… well, can't promise I won't do anything like that again, because… stupid decisions, and all that, but… I'll try not to."

"I suppose I can't expect more than that."

He was in a bit of a rough spot now because she was obviously still quite cross but he didn't want to go off anyplace, so after thinking for a minute or so on whether or not it was a good idea, he went up next to her to see if she'd let him cuddle him for a bit. "I don't want to talk to you right now," she said as soon as he did it, though she didn't actually move away.

"That's fair," he said as cheerfully as he could. Not talking, though, meant that all there was for him to do was think, and when he really started to think on things was when he usually needed to ask after them to help hash out his own thoughts. So it wasn't long before he couldn't resist asking, "Gladys, how many sorts of love d'you suppose there are?"

She sighed, but it was more out of resignation than annoyance. As though she'd known his silence wasn't going to last but she'd let him stay anyways. "I'm probably the last person you should be asking that question."

Right, right. "I've just been thinking a bit for the last couple days about… well, us, really, and the… well, that's the thing! I've no idea what to call it."

"Call what." She didn't exactly sound as though she wanted to ask, but she was either curious enough to do so or she didn't mind humouring him too much. Either was good, to be honest.

"There's just this… this very solid thing we've got, y'know? Like a… I dunno. It's a bit hard to explain, since it's just a feeling, but… seems a bit too important and um, and… much to just be love. D'you… d'you understand what I mean, at all?"

She was silent for a long time. Then she said, "I don't know if love is what you should call that, because that's not what our relationship is built on. In many ways, it's actually the least important part."

"I don't understand," he said. How could love be the least important part of a relationship?

"Do you remember when I said that you would not have entered a relationship with me if you'd had a choice?"

Not really. Sort of. "What about it?"

"I wouldn't have picked you, either. Let's face it. We aren't a great match. We don't have any of the same goals or interests. We rarely enjoy doing the same things. Even when we're in the same room, I'm usually doing one thing and you're doing something else entirely. So the reason I wouldn't call it love is because love is never why we did those things to begin with. Every single aspect of our relationship is a clear and conscious choice on both of our parts. But I don't think we do it out of love. I think it's just what the end result happens to be. That's why I don't believe what you're talking about is love of any kind. It's something else."

"But what is it?"

"I'm not sure. It's more of a foundation than anything," said GLaDOS. "A mutually well-made base on top of which everything else is built. Even if something drastically changed tomorrow and we made the decision to go our separate ways, that would still be there. We spent a lot of time forming and maintaining it. Sometimes love simply… ends, but that never will."

"It does?" asked Wheatley.

"Everything ends," said GLaDOS. "Forcibly or by choice, it doesn't matter. It always happens eventually."

"I dunno," said Wheatley. "Always thought something like love'd be outside of that, to be honest."

"There are bigger and more important things than love," GLaDOS told him. "But it's the exciting one. The reward. And those always get more attention than the mundane things you had to do to get them."

Wheatley had to take a minute for that one.

"You seem to have thought rather a lot about this."

"I told you," said GLaDOS. "I don't love you all the time. That far more important foundation, however, is always there and always will be. Neither of us can ever change that."

"And that thing is… it's bigger and more important than love anyways."

"I would say so," GLaDOS said. "Love is too conditional and impossible to control. It just sort of… happens. It's important that something else remains when it just decides not to."

What she was saying made a lot of sense. From the angle of how her mind worked, anyways. Wheatley didn't think there had been a moment since the first time he'd thought it that he hadn't loved her, but part of loving her was accepting that her mind operated in a totally different way than… most peoples'. "If you'd found someone… I dunno, more suitable, that um, that shared your int'rests and all that, d'you think you'd love them all the time?"

"No," GLaDOS answered immediately. "It would still be conditional."

"What would you have to do to make it unconditional?"

"I don't know." She made as though she had wanted to move her core but thought better of it. "But there has never been anything to change my feelings towards Caroline and I don't think any such thing exists."

If he'd been even the slightest bit offended by anything she'd just said, that would've run it straight out of him. If anyone deserved unconditional love from GLaDOS, it was Caroline. He didn't need it. He had that far more important unshakeable foundation. Still, because he was curious he asked, "D'you love me right now?"

"A little. Not very much."

He'd been sort of expecting a no, so he definitely wasn't going to complain. "Y'know, Gladys," he said after a minute, "I've never really minded that we don't care about any of the same things."

"I don't either," said GLaDOS. "I mentioned it because it's unusual. Relationships are usually built on mutual interests and ideals, not the fact that two people are stuck in the same building together."

"It's not as though there're any management rails outside," Wheatley said. "Even if I wanted to go, um, explore my options, how would I do it?"

"I could build you some legs," said GLaDOS.

"What? Legs? What in – what would I even do with them?"

"Walk somewhere very far away from here," she suggested.

"You really think I'm int'rested in having that many moving parts? No thanks. I'm good." Legs. Really.

She giggled, which was how he knew she wasn't mad at him anymore. "What about wheels?"

"But then I'd just be spraying all sorts of bits into myself that I couldn't clear out!"

"A tread? No – a propulsion engine."

"Don't know what those are, don't care."

"Oh, I know. A sail. I'll give you a sail."

"A sail?" said Wheatley bemusedly. "Why stop there? Why not strap me up to a whole lot of balloons?"

"Can I?" she asked, a little too enthusiastically, and he rolled his optic.

"No, Gladys, you cannot tie me to a bunch of balloons."

"You'll like it. It'll be fun."

"You know I don't like heights."

"You'll be having so much fun you won't even notice them."

"What else is there to notice when you're soaring through the air?!"

She giggled again and then said, "Damn it," very quietly.

"You're never going to stop doing that," he teased.

"Doing what? I haven't done anything. Other than waste a significant amount of time talking to you."

"If it's such a waste, why're you still doing it?"

"It's your fault. You're influencing me into making a terrible decision."

"That's how that works, now, is it?"

"It's how it's always worked."

"If you really need an excuse for being so cute then sure, I'll be it."

"I am not," protested GLaDOS.

He had no idea any longer if she was seriously arguing or if this was just a thing they did and would always do. The second one, probably. They had a lot of those. Things that'd started off serious and now were just sort of… little in-jokes between the two of them. He thought that was love and she didn't and that… that was fine. It all worked out to the same thing, in the end. He was happy with that.

Review:

Rypley: Hello, thank you for your time! Yes, GLaDOS's origins are… they're all based out of conjecture, obviously, and Valve's favourite thing is the art of the retcon, but from what we know GLaDOS's… manufacture and development, shall we say, were probably not the most pleasant experience in the world.

I did really enjoy writing the child Carrie chapters, but as long as this fic is I really do try to keep it to what is necessary. Everything should serve a specific purpose and Carrie as a child can't do what I eventually needed her to start doing: understand her mother.

I've heard that Claptrap's inclusion put a lot of people off, and that's unfortunate, but without Claptrap this story would have been on hiatus forever. I had too many problems that I didn't have enough characters to solve and I don't like making OCs. People don't have to like him and they can skip the parts when he shows up if they want, but in the end he's the only reason I picked the story back up again.

Author's note

Those of you who have me on your 'Following Author' list may have noticed I've been posting Batman fics without updating this. This fic isn't being abandoned and I know it was already on monthly updates as it was, but it will be a little slower from now due to a different longfic I'm working on. This chapter has actually been done for a while, I just kept forgetting to post it (Windows likes to update my laptop without asking me and it closes all my documents). Again, not abandoning this fic, but the length means I have to think about it all the time and sometimes I need to stop thinking about it to make sure I'm actually doing my best at it without getting into any ruts or cliches or whatever.

Their relationship is very strange and complicated and I like it that way. It's more interesting than having them being madly in love all the time. When I think about how their relationship works, it's less based on love and more on the idea of two people who just know each other so well they could never replace the other with anyone else.