It was no ordinary roll call. Schultz did not typically have extra guards inspect the men. One guard went nose to nose with Newkirk, who attempted the usual tomfoolery. Hogan snapped, "Ease up."
Schultz sternly said, "The Englander looks a little dirty. Clean him up."
Hogan shook his head, "I see. You're to make a good impression on the Red Cross."
"A clean camp is a happy camp," boasted Schultz. He continued, "The Kommandant does not wish to be embarrassed. For once, make your men behave."
Hogan magnanimously said, "Your wish is my command." For Klink, it was all about good ratings and reviews. Hogan knew well enough to allow the Kommandant an average review but nothing over the top. His success depended on Klink remaining in command. The last thing he needed was Klink earning a promotion or transfer.
"Ach! Lovely as the weiße rose!"
Saunders said, "You're very kind, Sergeant."
Hogan quietly said, "All present."
"I know that," Schultz sternly said. He managed an about face as Klink approached the formation demanding his report. Schultz proudly said, "All present, Herr Kommandant."
"Excellent," said Klink.
As Hogan listened to Klink's speech, he thought about the medical inspection. First, the team planned to inspect the general cleanliness of the camp. Once satisfied, the team would then conduct physicals. Ordinarily, the team only concentrated on sick or wounded, but as it had been long overdue, the two Swiss doctors wanted to examine all of the prisoners. The Heer doctor had no objection, as it was a small camp of two hundred prisoners. Klink expected Hogan to accompany the team around the camp.
"I haven't brushed my teeth yet," quipped Hogan.
Klink growled, "Hogan!"
"I can't smile if my teeth aren't brushed," said Hogan.
"Dismissed!"
As much as Hogan enjoyed a quick prank with the Kommandant, he needed a moment with his men. The barracks had to be clean. As well, the men had to take great care with the tunnel entrances. While the Swiss doctors would not look for unusual wood floor patterns that belied traditional tongue and groove placement, the Heer general might.
The barracks had to be presentable. There was a slight smell of mothballs emitting from the new blankets. Hogan hoped his men could keep the blankets after the Red Cross departed. His men were due. Other camps collected the new blankets immediately after Red Cross inspections. His men took great care of what they had.
Hogan managed to accompany the inspection team under the thinly veiled guise of Article 86. He suggested to Klink that his men would see to repairs of defects found by the inspection team as long as Klink provided the materials. Fortunately, the camp was in good shape and the team found few issues. They were satisfied with the infirmary and decided to start the physicals.
Hogan did not need to remain for the physicals. Once his was completed, he returned to the barracks to keep an eye on things. He expected Hochstetter's arrival. It was unlike the Gestapo to disregard Stalag 13 in his investigation of a destroyed factory. When he saw the staff car arrive, he smiled yet also felt concern. Hochstetter stormed out of the car and saw Hogan watching. He raised an angry fist before heading into the Kommandant's office.
Kinchloe said, "That man sure doesn't like you."
Hogan said, "The feeling is mutual."
Kinchloe asked, "Coffeepot?"
Hogan said, "Nah. I'd rather he make an ass of himself while the Red Cross is still here. I think I'll go throw some gasoline on the fire. Oh look, there's that Heer general. This should be interesting."
Not wanting to arouse too much suspicion, Hogan approached the general and asked, "How are my men?"
The general replied, "Astonishingly good health, but I would have been surprised if we had not found any funguses at all. Even I must agree with my colleagues that more bleach is needed for the latrine areas."
Hogan said, "Well, you know, Kommandant Klink is on a budget."
The general said, "I will arrange for additional salicylic ointment until the Red Cross can arrange additional medical parcels."
Hogan said, "That's very decent."
The general laughed, "I think your fraulein would have my head on a platter if I did not."
Hogan laughed, "She's a handful."
The general said, "You are fortunate to have her."
Hogan said, "Let's see the Kommandant. I'm sure he'll be happy to cooperate with the bleach."
The general said, "We shall see. Even I know that certain cleaning chemicals can be combined to make certain noxious devices. That is probably the real reason that he rations it."
So, the general was not ignorant, thought Hogan. He walked with the general into the Kommandantur. Hilda immediately blocked their efforts to enter Klink's office. The men heard the angry shouts from within.
The general said, "Fraulein, bitte." Hogan nodded reassuringly and Hilda stepped aside. The two men entered Klink's office. Hochstetter was in full anger. Klink maintained a worried look on his face while Schultz looked as if he wanted to crawl out of the room like a mouse.
Hogan cheerfully said, "Hi."
Hochstetter snapped, "What is this man doing here?" The vein on his forehead pulsed. Then he noticed the general and said, "Who are you?"
The general said, "Is that how you address a superior officer?"
Hochstetter snapped, "The Gestapo will address you as we see fit!" Hogan stifled a laugh. This was too good. He continued, "Colonel Hogan, you are a spy and saboteur."
Hogan asked in astonishment, "Me? What did I do?" He briefly turned and saw the Red Cross doctors enter the room.
Hochstetter said, "Last night, saboteurs blew up a factory. I know it was you!"
Klink weakly said, "Ridiculous."
Hochstetter said, "Ridiculous? Ever since this man set foot in this district, there have been many strange occurrences. I know he is Papa Bear."
One Red Cross doctor said, "I seriously doubt that a prisoner of war would escape confinement, blow up a factory, and then return to his confinement."
Hochstetter snapped, "Who are these people?" The vein in his forehead practically tripled in size and pounded furiously.
The general said, "Red Cross."
"Hide behind that pathetic Convention," snapped Hochstetter as he pointed an accusatory finger at Hogan. "I'll be back." Hochstetter stormed out of the office. Klink sighed and buried his face in the palm of his hand.
Hogan nonchalantly said, "There goes the friendly neighborhood Gestapo."
Klink looked at Hogan and said, "I really hate that man. Where does he get such ideas? Really! The absurdity of it all."
The Red Cross doctor said, "We are finished here and must be on our way."
Klink said, "Forgive me. I'm sorry you had to see that display. Are you certain you can't stay for dinner?"
The Heer general said, "We must go to Oflag 13. I do have a recommendation. Arrange more bleach for the prisoners. They need to better scrub the latrine areas. There is much foot fungus. I will have the hospital send salicylic ointments to aid the recovery."
"Agreed," said Klink.
Hogan had his brief moment of fun. While the general might overlook Hochstetter's tantrum, the Red Cross made note of it. He helped Klink escort the men to the cars. Brandenburg arrived with the nurse, who spoke highly of Saunders' professionalism. Overall, the Red Cross seemed pleased with the visit.
As Saunders approached Brandenburg said, "Fraulein, you are a credit to your profession!"
Saunders said, "Thank you, Herr Brandenburg. I look forward to your next visit. Sister, will you return?"
"As often as I can," said Frau Brant. "Take good care of your patients."
Klink remained smiles until the inspection team departed the gates. Then he said, "The nerve of Hochstetter! I'm sure I'll suffer several demerits because of his tirade."
Saunders said, "Hochstetter?"
Hogan said, "Cheer up, Kommandant. Just give General Burkhalter a call and give him a heads up. You did very well."
"I did," smiled Klink.
Saunders said, "I haven't seen so much foot fungus since Verdun. Herr Kommandant, will you please allocate more bleach for barracks cleaning?"
Klink said, "Of course, Fraulein. If you will excuse me, bitte."
The two watched as Klink returned to his office. Hogan said, "Yeah, he's calling Burkhalter."
Saunders said, "I trust that Hochstetter made an ass of himself in front of the Red Cross."
Hogan laughed, "He sure did. I thought his forehead vein was going to rupture."
Saunders said, "I'll be scrubbing the floors in the infirmary. You know, a little hard work could do you some good." Hogan started whistling and headed into Barracks 2. Saunders shook her head and returned to the infirmary.
Hogan thought the day overall went very well. He sat in the common room and listened to Kinchloe's report regarding Klink's telephone call with Burkhalter. He admired the sergeant, who relished adding the Prussian accent to simulate Klink's side of the telephone conversation and the nasally tones to simulate Burkhalter. The men enjoyed a good laugh.
Burkhalter already received a report from the inspection team. He was displeased with Hochstetter's performance. However, he was extremely pleased with the reviews Stalag 13 received. He intended a visit and prepared to take the Berlin Express.
Hogan said, "That'll get him here in just a couple of hours."
Newkirk said, "Bloody hell. He'll be staying the night."
Wilson entered the barracks and immediately flopped onto his bunk. He moaned, "Oh, that woman. Permission to mutiny, sir?"
Hogan asked, "What's wrong?"
Wilson said, "Too much damn foot fungus! Ugh, I know it had to be done, but that floor is so clean you can eat off of it!"
Newkirk joked, "Who would want to?"
As the men laughed, Wilson said, "Very funny. I almost killed her. If I hear one more story about Verdun, I think I will kill her."
Hogan said, "I take it she made you scrub the floors."
Wilson sat up and said, "Oh, she got down on her hands and knees too. When Langenscheidt arrived, she put his ass to work too. I almost felt sorry for the kid. First, I heard about Verdun in English. Then I heard it all over again in German."
Hogan said, "Kommandant Klink is giving us extra bleach for the latrines."
Wilson lay back down and said, "Good. Thank God, Klink summoned her. Poor Langenscheidt was so afraid to disobey her order that he started cleaning. Then Schultz arrived."
Hogan said, "She's with Klink?"
"Not at first," said Wilson. "She tried getting old Schultz to scrub. You know him. He ran back to the Kommandant. The third time he showed up, he said it was worth his life and she had to accompany him."
Hogan frowned, "Yeah, thanks Wilson. Coffeepot."
After setting up the coffeepot, Hogan listened in on the conversation. He realized it was another one of Klink's vain attempts to interrogate a prisoner. He started out praising Saunders for her diligence but started pressing about her mission in Germany. She, of course, reverted to name, rank, and serial number.
Carter said, "Doesn't he ever give up? It's been what, fifteen minutes of name, rank, and serial number?"
Hogan laughed, "Oh, he's changing his approach. He's offering her schnapps."
Newkirk said, "No wonder Wilson wants to mutiny. She's a stubborn bird."
To a certain degree, it almost felt wrong to listen in on the conversation. Hogan did not suspect the nurse would reveal anything important even under the influence of alcohol. It was embarrassing listening to Klink attempt a more friendly approach.
It seemed that Klink enjoyed the schnapps more, benefiting from the alcoholic influence. Hogan tried not to roll his eyes as Klink attempted to impress Saunders with his military prowess in the air. Sometimes, he wished he had a periscope that could see directly into Klink's office. When Klink lost a button, Hogan did not even attempt to hide his laughter. He sobered his thoughts when Olsen reported Burkhalter arrived with Hochstetter.
#HH#
"Oh, now you've lost a button from your jacket," said Saunders.
Klink said, "I'll fix it later."
Saunders said, "That really won't do. Lucky for you I always carry a small sewing kit. Come on; let me help you out of your jacket."
As she removed Klink's jacket he said, "My dear, I am a soldier."
Saunders said, "You're also an officer. You can't be running around with a button missing." She sat back down in the chair and pulled out her sewing kit. As she threaded the needed, she noticed Klink was blushing.
Klink said, "You are very kind."
Saunders said, "Oh, this is just a small courtesy. I'm curious. What are your plans for after the war?"
Klink said, "After the war?"
Saunders said, "Everyone has plans for after the war. Perhaps you'll become a commercial pilot?"
Klink sighed, "I think not. My vision, you see. I hadn't really thought about it."
Saunders said, "Well, there are a number of other things that a man with your qualifications could do." She watched as Klink started blushing again.
Klink said, "Absolutely. More schnapps?"
"Please," Saunders said. "I'm not usually big on the drink, but the company is agreeable."
Klink smiled, "Indeed!" He went to his bar service and poured two more schnapps. Someone knocked on the door. Klink said, "Not now Schultz!"
Burkhalter entered anyway and said, "It isn't Schultz." Hochstetter followed him into the office. Burkhalter continued, "What is going on here?"
Klink said, "Well, I was interrogating the prisoner and a button came off my jacket. She is fixing it for me."
Hochstetter said, "Do you normally serve your prisoners schnapps."
Saunders said, "Oh, don't be mean. He's just trying to be civilized." She cut the thread with her teeth and said, "Here we go – good as new."
As she helped Klink on with the jacket he smiled, "Danke."
Saunders coyly said, "Bitte." She returned to the other side of the desk but remained standing. Burkhalter appeared pleased with the display.
Hochstetter snapped, "Is this how you interrogate prisoners? Let ME show you how it's done!" With one fluid motion, Hochstetter forced Saunders against the wall and trained his pistol against the underneath of her chin. He relished her hysterical cries and said, "Tell me everything!"
Burkhalter calmly drew his pistol and trained it against Hochstetter's temple. He said, "Fraulein, you are dismissed."
Saunders was too terrified to move. Hochstetter slowly lowered his pistol and she slid against the wall to escape his grip. Klink was horrified to see the look of sheer terror on her face. She ran out the door sobbing uncontrollably.
Burkhalter lowered his pistol and said, "If you ever do that again, I will shoot you. Have I made myself clear?"
"Yes," said Hochstetter.
Burkhalter said, "Yes, what?"
Hochstetter said, "Yes, Herr General."
"Klink has orders to establish a certain friendship with the fraulein," said Burkhalter as he holstered his pistol. "It seems that he is starting to succeed. Then you come along and interfere. She will never tell you anything. Now then, let's discuss what happened earlier today with the Red Cross."
#HH#
Hogan snapped, "Where's Florence?"
Olsen said, "Ran straight to her barracks."
Hogan swore, "Damn it!" He grabbed his crush cap and said, "Don't wait up for me." He quickly made his way to Barracks 3. The confused guard said nothing as Hogan walked past and entered. He heard running water and found Saunders at a sink washing her face.
"I'm fine," said Saunders. "Just give me the Academy Award and I'll be on my way."
Hogan snapped, "Are you sure?"
Saunders gave him a hard look and said, "Don't you know that women can turn on the waterworks in the blink of an eye? It sure does a number on the makeup though."
Hogan could not control himself. He started laughing. Then he said, "I thought he was going to shoot you."
Saunders said, "In front of the general? Even Hochstetter isn't that stupid. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick. How can you stand those schnapps?"
Hogan said, "Be careful with Hochstetter. He's a stark, raving lunatic. For that matter, take it easy on Klink. It was starting to sound a little cozy."
Saunders said, "I've no interest in Klink, except as pertains to the success of your operation. Was it too much?"
Hogan mocked, "I'm not usually big on the drink, but the company is agreeable."
Saunders said, "Serves you right for eavesdropping."
Hogan said, "It's my job to know what goes on around here. As long as I'm stuck with you, I have to see to your safety."
Saunders said, "Klink is harmless."
Hogan snapped, "Hochstetter is not."
Saunders lowered her eyes and said, "I'll be careful. Part of me wishes that you would get me out of here. Part of me wants to remain." She looked up at Hogan, who raised an eyebrow. She said, "You need qualified medical assistance. It's more than just foot fungus."
Hogan sighed, "Dinner will be ready soon."
"Thank you sir," said Saunders. She watched as he left the barracks. To no one she said, "I should get an Academy Award for that performance. Careful, old girl."
#HH#
As the men milled about the compound awaiting the impending final roll call, ad hoc formations loosely assembled. No one sensed anything amiss. The guards did not yet find it necessary to herd the men for the ritual count. Klink atypically addressed the men by way of the public address system.
"Guten tag," Klink cheerfully announced. "For your enjoyment, I shall now play for you a simple violin solo."
Hogan cringed, knowing that the men regardless of nationality shared in his opinion. The strangulation of the catgut began. Men groaned in misery as Klink started The Flight of the Valkyries as his simple solo. Oh what cruel and unusual punishment!
Hogan watched as Saunders flew out of Barracks 3 straight into the Kommandant's office. The violin playing abruptly ceased after sounds of a minor scuffle. Saunders triumphantly declared, "Is that how you Germans play the violin? Let me show you how Americans play the fiddle!"
Klink snapped, "Now see here, Fraulein!"
An animated hoe down played over the public address, drowning Klink's protests. While not the performance of a classically trained first violinist, notes played accurately and with excitement. Men danced in mock square dance.
"SCHULTZ!"
Hogan laughed despite himself. He watched as Schultz hurried to the Kommandantur. With the completion of the piece, no one thought to turn off the public address system.
Klink snapped, "Cooler! Now!"
"It's definitely worth it," Saunders defiantly said.
Klink cried, "My violin!"
"My fiddle," Saunders said.
Hogan decided he should intervene. As the trio emerged from the Kommandantur, he watched as Klink followed Schultz who led Saunders toward the Cooler. She continued holding the violin. He approached the group and asked, "Is the Cooler really necessary? Just let it go."
Klink cried, "My violin!"
Hogan snapped, "Colonel Saunders! Return the Kommandant's violin."
Saunders stopped and said, "Yes sir." She begrudgingly returned the violin.
Klink said, "You are confined to quarters until further notice."
"Gladly," said Saunders. She marched to Barracks 3 and slammed the door behind her.
Klink turned to Hogan and asked, "Are all American women so quick-tempered?"
Hogan shrugged, "Just about. I guess we just found our new first violin for the camp orchestra, though."
"You can HAVE her," Klink snapped. He angrily stormed away to his office.
Schultz laughed, "You shouldn't have told her to give back the Kommandant's violin."
Hogan asked, "Does this meet the criteria of final roll call?"
Schultz shrugged.