Chapter 72

She felt the dark take her and then knew nothing. She couldn't see, or hear or feel anything. There was only the darkness. She was aware of nothing but the darkness. Then it faded as she felt herself come back to the light. She could hear voices, familiar voices. She could feel something soft against her skin. Slowly she opened her eyes.

"Thank Merlin," she heard a voice say beside her. The light that had been around her was blocked out by a face. She knew that face. She couldn't quite think of the man's name.

"Drink, love," the man said. She felt something cold and wet against her mouth. Water. She suddenly realized how dry her mouth and throat felt and drank greedily.

"Easy," the man said. "Slowly." She let the water fill her mouth and trickle down her throat. Once the thirst was satisfied she turned her head to look at the man. She knew his face, she'd known him almost her whole life. Why couldn't she think of his name?

"It's all right, love," he said. "The confusion is normal. It'll will all come back shortly."

'Love,' she thought. He'd called her that before. This man loved her and, yes she loved him too.

"You had us so worried, Meredith," he said. "David said it could be six days but you made us wait another day. He said that's not unusual but that the longer you were under…well it doesn't matter now." He had been worried for her. Why had he worried? Why couldn't she remember his name for heaven's sake? This was getting quite frustrating.

"Remus, I…" She turned her head to see another man come near her. She knew him too. He was also important to her, but in a different way.

"Meredith," the other man said. "Remus…" Remus, she thought, that was the man's name. But she called him something else. She called him…

"Dad?" she whispered. He smiled at her.

"There we go," he said. "She's starting to remember now."

"What happened?" Meredith said. She was so confused. She felt like there was a gap in her brain.

"You took a potion. It put you in a coma. You've been sleeping for six days."

"You scared about ten years off all of our lives," the other man said. This man was angry. It seemed he was keeping a tight reign on it for the moment but Meredith sensed that wasn't going to last long.

"Sirius," her dad said calmly. "Not now. Drink some more love." She took the water gratefully.

The memories were coming back slowly. Names, faces, why she had been asleep. Her dad had not left her side all day. Others had come in. Dora, Molly, Andromeda. They all expressed relief that she was awake. A lot of people had been worried. She couldn't understand it. Why would she have done this? Why would she have purposely taken a potion that put her near death? They all knew, but they weren't telling her. They were tiptoeing around her as though she were a fragile pain of glass that could shatter at any moment. She sat on the bed in the room she'd been given in her father's house. She had her own place, she remembered, but right now she had no desire to go there. She was thumbing through a photo album that her dad had suggested might jog something. She saw pictures of her, her dad, her and her dad, her and Dora. The pictures of her and her dad were the most familiar. Lots of happy memories there. She turned another page and saw herself a bit older and in Hogwarts robes. Most of these pictures she was alone and looked a little sad. That was odd, her memories of her time at Hogwarts were fuzzy but she'd didn't remember it as a sad time. Some of the pictures showed a boy. Oliver, she remembered. She hadn't seen him a long time. She felt sad as she remembered him. Not because her memories were sad but because she missed him terribly. Her hand fell on another picture. This one was different. The people in it weren't moving. It was her and Oliver and two other people. Another boy, Percy. She was angry with him, but not the same way as the other girl in the picture. Her feelings toward this girl were different. Confusing. There was anger but something else. Guilt. Guilt and a terrible sadness. She stared down at the girl's face.

"Patricia," she said. That was the girl's name. Suddenly her stomach clenched as memories came flooding back to her.

"Meredith," Patricia said quietly, "I'm really lucky you're my friend."

Patricia's eyes widened as she took the small knifer and sliced her palm with it. She took Patricia's hand and sliced it as well.

"Blood sisters. Forever and always."

"The werewolf you're talking about is my father," Meredith said her voice firm but her heart breaking. "I won't go against him. Not even for you."

"Then I'm sorry."

"Were you ever my friend?"

"I was."

"SHUT UP! Meredith shouted. The bust of Godrici Gryffindor exploded next to Patricia's hear.

Patricia yanked out her want and fired a spell at Meredith. With a shriek of rage Meredith fired off three quick spells that knocked Patricia backwards over the sofa.

Patricia's body slammed into her and knocked her to the floor. Her head snapped back as Patricia's fist connected with her jaw.

"My loyalty is to my parents."

"Now you know where to find me if you decide to stop being a coward."

Patricia's body dead on the slab.

"Meredith," her dad's voice said firmly beside her. He was shaking her. She blinked and turned to him.

"Patricia," she whispered. "Oh Merlin." Remus nodded.

"What am I gonna do Dad?" she said. She knew what she needed to do. But how could she ever forgive Patricia for what she had done. How she had betrayed her? It had been two years and the pain was still as sharp as it had been that day.

"I don't know love," Remus said sitting next to her. "But maybe you can start by forgiving yourself."

"I don't know how," Meredith whispered. Remus put an arm around her and held her tight.

"It wasn't your fault," Remus said. "We've all told you that, but you have to believe it." Meredith closed her eyes.

"It wasn't my fault," she said softly. "I didn't want her to die. She didn't deserve to die. Bellatrix killed her not me."

"That's right," Remus said.

"Bellatrix has to pay Dad," Meredith said her fists clenching.

"She will," Remus said. Meredith sighed. She didn't know if she could ever truly forgive herself but it felt like a start. She felt tears sting her eyes and quickly brushed them away. She couldn't fall apart. She'd done enough of that already. She stared at the faint scar on her palm. It had seemed so innocent at the time. They were just kids. Remus took her hand and gently rubbed his thumb over the scar.

"I've seen this scar so many times and I never realized Patricia had the same one."

"I was so stupid," she said.

"You were a child," Remus said. "You didn't realize what you were doing."

"Don't coddle her Remus," Sirius said. Meredith looked up at her father. She'd never seen that look in his eye. She didn't like it.

"Even a child should know that there are serious consequences when you mess with blood magic. What you did was irresponsible and now you're paying the price." Meredith glared at him.

"How dare you," she spoke her voice soft.

"Meredith, Sirius…" Remus as usual was trying to be the peace keeper and voice of reason but Meredith wasn't interested. She jumped to her feet and whirled on Sirius.

"Who the HELL do you think you are to lecture me on being irresponsible! Were you being responsible when you went after Pettigrew? Did you stop and think about the consequences of YOUR actions when you told James to make him secret keeper?"

"Meredith that's not fair," Remus said.

"I paid for those mistakes for twelve years!" Sirius snapped.

"We ALL did! James was gone! Lily was gone! But my mother was alive! Remus was alive! I WAS ALIVE! You went away for twelve years because you cared more about avenging the dead! Twelve years we could have been together! We could have been a family! But you made your choice, so don't you dare think you can come back now and lecture me about my life!" She couldn't stand there anymore and look at him. She swept past him and down the hall.

"Don't walk away from me!" Sirius yelled at her.

"Sirius…" Remus said. "You're not helping! Meredith you can't go like this!"

"I'm not staying here!" She raced down the stairs, the two men following after her. She had to get out of here, away from them. She had to breathe, had to get control.

"Meredith, come back here!" Sirius yelled.

"You can't give me orders!" she yelled back.

"I am your father, you will…"

"YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!" she screamed. She threw her hands up as a vase near the staircase exploded. A shard caught the curtain that covered her grandmother's portrait and pulled it down. Even as her grandmother's screeching filled the room more Black antiques exploded.

"FILTHY CHILD! DEGRADING MY HOUSE!" Sirius and Remus hurried to cover the portrait as Meredith raced for the door. She kept running till she reached the door of her flat. She threw the door open and slammed it shut behind her. In the quiet of her flat she sank to the floor and buried her face in her hands.

'BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE' she ordered herself.

She didn't know how long she sat there. It could have been minutes or hours, she couldn't tell. But she got up and took stock of herself. A glance around her flat reminded her that she hadn't been here in days. Everything had a layer of dust on it. She grabbed some rags and a bucket of hot soapy water. Cleaning without magic kept her hands and mind busy. Sirius would probably call it avoidance, she though with a scoff. What the hell did he know? Grimmauld place would probably still be covered in cobwebs and who knew what else if Molly hadn't insisted on cleaning the place. The flat wasn't large and but it had been ample for what she needed. Kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, sitting room. She wiped down everything in the bedroom and stripped the sheets from the bed. She then went to the living room and wiped down everything in there. The kitchen was the worst of it. What little food she had in the fridge had gone bad and she quickly chucked it in the trash bin. She scrubbed out the fridge and wiped down the cabinets. She was wiping down the counter when she heard him come in. She knew he would come by eventually. She did not stop as he came into the kitchen.

"I'm not apologizing to that hypocrite so if that's what you came to say you can leave," she snapped.

"Hi," Remus said nonchalantly. She glanced up at him. It was too familiar. That calm, non-judging look that she had worn so many times when approaching someone who was upset. She set the rag down and chuckled.

"I'm such a mess," she said.

"I think it was good for Sirius, to get a taste of that temper of yours."

"Like father, like daughter," Meredith said tossing the rag into the sink. "At least mine has never gotten me arrested."

"I like to think that was my influence. But Sirius is not my concern right now." He reached out and took her hand. Meredith shook her head.

"I don't even know where to start Dad," she said.

"I might," he said. He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Before Meredith could ask any questions she felt the wind sucked out of her and with a pop they were no longer in her flat. She pushed down the nausea that always came with apparating.

"You could have warned me," she muttered.

"You wouldn't have agreed to come here," he said. "You haven't been back since the funeral." Meredith's eyes widened, suddenly realizing where she was.

"Talk to her," Remus said. Meredith felt sick as turned and saw the tombstone. Patricia's tombstone. She stepped forward. The name and the dates stared back at her. Angry. Accusing.

"No, I can't." She turned to run but strong arms closed around her.

"No," Remus said holding her tight even as she fought. "You can't run from this. You have to forgive her! It's the only way you can find peace."

"I can't," she cried pushing away. "She broke my heart! I loved her. She was my sister and she broke my heart."

"Tell her that!" Remus urged. "Tell her she broke your heart. Tell her everything you've been holding in but tell her. Get it out of yourself! She's gone, she can't hurt you anymore. The only one who can keep hurting you is yourself. You've got to let this go!" Meredith sobbed as she turned toward the stone.

"Why did you do this?" she shouted at the stone. "Why did you let them do this? Why didn't you tell them what you knew? Why did you protect me? Why did you turn against me then do this? WHY! WHY! WHY!" she beat her hands against the stone as she repeated the word. Why! She felt the skin on her fingers break and the blood slide down her hands. She continued to sob as Remus pulled her away from the stone and held her tight as she sobbed out the grief that had consumed her for the past month.

It had been almost a week since her visit to Patricia's grave and Meredith was no better off than she had been before. Her sleep was still plagued by nightmares. Remus had stayed with her till she insisted that he return to Grimmauld to get some rest himself. She sat now on her sofa nursing a cup of tea. She hadn't managed more than a few hours of sleep in the last few days. Still, she was steadier than she had been before she knew why this was happening. She'd written to David to update him on her progress. He assured her that finally letting herself grieve was a step in the right direction. A knock on her door pulled her from her muddled thoughts. Who would be knocking on her door. She grabbed her wand and went to the door. The wards would keep out anyone who meant her harm but she wasn't taking any chances. Wand at the ready she took a deep breath and opened the door. A short man with a mustache in gray ministry robes stood there.

"Miss Meredith Lupin?" he said in a nasally voice.

"Yes?" she said gripping her wand behind her back.

"Felix Neusbaum, Ministry of Magic. Department of legalities and validations."

"What do you want?"

"I'm here to discuss the last will and testament of one Patricia Patterson, as you are names as a beneficiary." the man drone on. Meredith was suspicious. She stepped back.

"Come in," she said. Neusbaum stepped inside and when he did not receive a debilitating shock she loosened the grip on her wand. She led him to the living room.

"I don't understand," Meredith said. "Patricia died a month ago. Why am I just hearing about this now?"

"Well it is very complicated. Miss Patterson was the only daughter of George and Julianna Patterson. The Patterson Estate is currently being held by the ministry as Mr. and Mrs. Patterson are not technically deceased. As their daughter's only kin we have also had to hold the majority of Miss Patterson's assets. However, Miss Patterson's will did state that certain items were specifically bequeathed to you. I do apologize that it has taken so long but as you can imagine this case has been very complicated. The paperwork has been quite a headache.

"Patricia left me something?"

"Mm…yes." Neusbaum waved his wand and a long parchment appeared.

"One pair of silver hoop earrings, one silver bangle bracelet, a wrist watch silver filigree enchanted with a wake up charm, a red and gold silk scarf, an opal and pearl pendant, a 3 inch porcelain figure of a lion, and one leather bound journal." Meredith felt her heart thud in her chest. With the exception of the last item every thing sounded familiar. They were all birthday and Christmas gifts that she herself had given to Patricia.

"If you will sign here that you have received the items in question," Neusbaum said. Meredith took the quill he offered and signed. With another wave of his wand a box appeared.

"If you would like to check to make sure everything is there?" Meredith glanced in the box. Each item reminded her of a Christmas or Birthday that they had spent together, or a trip to Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley trying to find the perfect thing. She couldn't believe Patricia had kept all these things. Her eye landed on a brown book. She reached in and pulled it out. It was a journal. Leather bound, and worn From what she could tell it was old and been written in often. She didn't remember ever seeing Patricia write in a journal.

"Everything is in order then?"

"What? Oh yeah it's all here." She said absently not looking up.

"Very well," Neusbaum said. "I bid you good day."

"Good day," she said. She ought to have shown the man out but the old book in her hand had her full attention. Her mind was telling her to open it, that somewhere in this book was the answer to the puzzle she had been seeking for so long. But her heart felt funny, like she would be invading Patricia's privacy, and betraying her all over again.

"She left it to you for a reason," she murmured to herself. Finally unable to contain her curiosity she opened it and flipped through the pages. The handwriting started out as childish but as she turned the pages it turned into the familiar elegant scrawl that she recognized as belonging to Patricia.

"Why did I never see you write in this thing?" Meredith wondered. Not sure where to begin she flipped to a random page.

January 7, 1982

I'm six years old today. Mummy and Daddy were so excited when I blew on my candles and they lit up. Daddy says it's proof that I'm not a squib. I'm a witch like Mummy.

Meredith smiled a little as she remembered Patricia telling her about this that first day on the Hogwarts Express. She turned to another page.

August 15, 1982

Mummy and Daddy are upset that my powers aren't growing more. I haven't done anything magic since my birthday. Julian keeps telling me not to worry and that my powers will come but what if they don't. What if I'm a squib after all. Mummy and Daddy won't love me anymore if I'm a squib.

Meredith's heart broke at the last line but it was no surprise to her. But who was this Julian? She didn't recall Patricia ever mentioning someone named Julian. A childhood friend maybe? Had he perhaps gone to another school?

August 5, 1984

Julian's Hogwarts letter came today! Mummy and Daddy are so excited! We went to Diagon Alley to buy all of his books and supplies. I can't wait till it's my turn to go.

September 1, 1984

Julian left for Hogwarts this morning. I miss him so much already. It's going to be so lonely without him here. He promised he'd write to me everyday but what if he gets too busy? What will I do without my big brother till Christmas…

Meredith nearly dropped the journal in shock! Brother?! Patricia had a brother! Why had she never told her? As long as she'd known her she'd only heard of Patricia referred to as an only child. The Pattersons had never referred to him and there had been nothing in their home to suggest they had another child. What had happened to Julian? Meredith felt sick. She forced herself to pick the book back up and keep reading.

October 31st, 1984

Mummy and Daddy are making me miserable! They keep trying to get me to do something magic. I'm only 8! They still think I might be a squib. They won't even let me visit Grammy and Gramps or Gran and Pop anymore. It's like they're afraid the muggle is wearing off on me. I miss Julian. I wish he would come home, or better that I was at Hogwarts with him. What if Mummy and Daddy are right? What if won't get to go to Hogwarts. What if I'm not even a witch?

December 15th 1985

Julian is home for Christmas and everything is wonderful again. I want to go to Hogwarts now more than anything, everything Julian has said makes it sound so exciting. The teachers, the food, Quidditch, even the homework sounds fun. Julian is sure that I'll be able to go, even if Mum and Dad have their doubts. Julian has never doubted that I'm a witch. He's the only one who believes in me.

June 11th 1986

Julian is home for the summer! I've missed him so much. He's a little cranky about not being able to do magic while he's home but Mum and Dad are being very strict about it. It doesn't matter to me. I'm just so happy he's home.

July 9th 1986

It should have been me

Meredith stared at the July 9 entry in dread. Only one line but it spoke so much.

August 5th 1986

Mum hasn't stopped crying all day. Julian's Hogwarts letter came today. We've all been walking around in a trance that no one remembered to send word to Dumbledore that Julian won't be coming back to Hogwarts again. How is it possible that he's gone? I don't know how to be in a world that my brother's not in. Mum can't stop crying, Dad's just quiet. They blame me. They don't say it but I know they do. It was my fault. Mum told me not to play in the woods after dark. If I had listened, Julian would not have come after me. He would have been in the house when the werewolf attacked. I shouldn't have run. I should have stayed with him. It should have been me that the werewolf killed.

Meredith set the book on the table and sank to the floor. She could barely see through her tears. It was there clear as day. This was why Patricia had turned on her when she'd found out about her Dad's condition. It all made so much sense.

"Oh god, Patricia," she whispered. "Why didn't you ever tell me? I would have understood." She didn't want to read anymore but she forced herself to pick up the journal and keep reading

September 1st 1986

We should be putting Julian on the train to Hogwarts for his second year today. But instead Mum and Dad are putting all of things into boxes. They can't bear to look into his room and know he will never sleep in there again. They can't bear to look at his face. All of the pictures of him have vanished. It's as if he never existed. Why are they doing this? Why are they taking away the memories of him. Grammy says that everyone deals with sadness and grief differently. I hate that they are taking him away from me. I was able to swipe one picture. They don't know I have it. I'll never tell anyone. Mum and Dad can't even bear to hear his name spoken so I will pretend along with them. But I have to keep one memory. I don't want to forget him completely.

The picture was tucked between the pages. It was old and untouched by spells. A boy aged 11 with blonde hair and blue eyes stood with a small girl about 9 with a messy mop of blonde hair. They both smiled at the camera. Meredith tucked it back into the pages. So much sadness. Her heart broke for Patricia and how her old friend had carried so much sadness on her shoulders that she had never let anyone see. There was not another entry for almost a year.

August 5th 1987

My Hogwarts letter came today. Mum and Dad are thrilled that I will be going to Hogwarts after all. They are not quite as excited as when J…. well they're happy at least. I'm nervous about going. What if I'm not good at magic. What if I flunk all my courses. Mum and Dad keep telling me that they expect me to do well. As their only child great things are expected of me. Please, please Merlin don't let me disappoint them.

September 10th 1987

Hogwarts is everything Jul….I was told it would be. The lessons are hard though, and some of the teachers are strict, especially Professor Snape. But I love it here. I have friends who don't care that I'm behind everyone else. Oliver and Percy are great even if Percy is a tad bossy and Oliver is obsessed with Quidditch. But the one who is really making it all bearable is Meredith. Meredith is the best friend I could ever hope to have. She's one of the best in our year, but she's kind and patient and she never makes me feel stupid. She reminds me of Ju…Julian.

Meredith felt her heart fill with warmth. There it was in black and white. The flame of doubt she had felt after their fight was doused as she read of Patricia's feelings toward her and what their friendship had meant to her. There were many more pages upon pages and Meredith would go through each one later. There was one date she needed to see and she silently prayed that there would be an entry for it. She sucked in her breath as she found it.

July 16th 1995

Meredith came to see me today. She looked beautiful as always, even with the short hair. Merlin, I can't imagine what she thought of me. I don't recognize myself anymore. This is not what I wanted for my life. Meredith would hate Paul if she ever met him. In my heart I know he's not right for me, but the marriage means so much to Mum and Dad. Meredith believes Dumbledore and Harry that You Know Who is back. It's no surprise that she would side with Dumbledore. Her Dad owes Dumbledore so much so of course Meredith would be loyal to him as well. Mum and Dad say that Dumbledore is just trying to seize power and Harry just trying to get attention. It doesn't fit with what I know of Harry and Dumbledore but the thought that You Know Who could be back is terrifying. I don't know what to believe. Meredith thinks I'm a coward for siding with my parents and maybe she's right. Maybe I always have been. I wish so much that we were still friends. I was my best self when we were together. I wish I could go back to when we were kids and the world was in front of us. I wish I hadn't let the past come between us. I have been thinking about Julian a lot lately. What would he think of me right now? What would he tell me to do? I think he would tell me to forgive Meredith for not telling me about her dad. I think he would tell me not to hate Remus, and that Remus was not the werewolf that attacked us that night. I think he would tell me to follow my heart and mend things. I just wish there was a way…

Meredith closed the book and set it on the table. She sat forward and leaned her head on her hands. She felt as though the weight she had been carrying on her shoulders had been lifted off of her leaving her physically and emotionally spent. She didn't cry, she had no more tears. She needed to move and to act. She pushed herself to her feet and summoned her jacket. She locked her door and stuffed her wand in her pocket. It was a perfect fall evening. The sun was going down and the air was cool and crisp. She could hear the leaves crunching. There was a slight smell of snow in the air. Christmas would be here before she knew it. The cemetery was about 2 miles from her flat. She could have summoned someone to apparate her but she needed to do this alone. Several leaves covered the stone. Meredith pulled her wand out to blow the leaves away. She stared at the name and the dates. She'd had no words when she'd commissioned the stone. She raised her wand and chanted the spell under her breath. When she had finished she stepped back.

Patricia Julianna Patterson

January 7th 1976 – October 20th 1995

Loving Sister

Courageous Friend