Arwen couldn't help but push the food around her plate. Not that the food wasn't delicious, Lindir was an excellent cook, always making sure the meal was balanced and healthy. She and her mother were fervent vegetarians and Lindir always made sure they ate enough protein alternatives. But currently nothing tasted nice in her mouth, in fact everything was tasteless and dry, and she had a hard time swallowing. She caught her dad's eye from across the beautifully decorated table. Since the start of December, the Rivendell Estate was completely transformed into a winter Christmas paradise, filled with silver, snow-white ribbons, and lavish ice crystals. A few days before Christmas the dining room table would already be set so they could enjoy the lavish dining experience for a longer time.
"Arwen, are you alright? You have hardly touched your dinner." Her father asked, his grey blue eyes looked worried.
"I am fine Ada, I am just not very hungry today that is all." She said, hoping to take away his concerns. But she wasn't really okay. She felt incredibly lonely. Normally Christmas time was her favourite season, her whole family and all her friends coming together. But Tauriel was still in battle with Thranduil, and seeking refuge at Kíli's. She would not see her until New Year's Eve at Bard's. While she of course felt happy for her friend for finding her own love, and Kíli's lovely warm family, Arwen would be lying if she said it didn't hurt her a bit. She was angry at Thranduil for being the cause of the fight. Legolas having gone and deciding not to come back for the holidays also angered her. She also didn't want to impose on Éowyn and Faramir. They were very busy with Nashwa and little Echtelion, getting to know them, helping Nashwa integrate in Gondor. She could definitely understand they wanted to have a small and closed Christmas dinner. Although Arwen could also imagine it would be good for Nashwa to meet more people and become more acquainted. She knew her parents had enough influence for Nashwa to get a job, learn Westron faster, and feel more comfortable in her new environment.
But Arwen couldn't blame any of them instead her blame was focused solely on one individual, fairly or unfairly. How dare Aragorn no tell her anything? How dare he decide to stay there, in the danger, the cold, completely and utterly alone, without her? How dare he leave her so alone? Her feelings made her even more mad. How dare she be so incredibly selfish? Aragorn was needed there. Just because he didn't come home, didn't mean he didn't love her anyone. She had to be more positive. Everyone so far was safe. Tauriel was doing alright, in fact, they went shopping a few days ago for Christmas presents. They had gotten a load of things, sharing happy times, packing everything in perfect silver and red paper with golden ribbons. They gossiped and chatted over a cup of hot chocolate at Café Bree. Giggling they had driven the sales employee crazy during their visit to the Dragon's Lair. She had convinced the insecure Tauriel to buy the gorgeous red lingerie set that looked absolutely amazing on her fit slim body. She herself had tried on a black fully lace body, set with sapphire stones, that flattered her curves. She knew she wouldn't have anyone to surprise with, but she felt she needed something pretty to make herself feel a bit better. She also comforted herself that she would see everyone at Dale's annual New Years Ball, held by the major of Dale, Bard Bowman.
But all these things couldn't extinguish an angry flame inside of her.
She was so lost in her own thoughts, that she was surprised to hear her mother announce the Christmas dinner over and for dessert to come. She felt ashamed to have this special evening go past her so quickly without truly engaging with anyone. Her grandparents Celeborn and Galadriel were here. Her grandmother as usual was dressed impeccably, wearing a smooth white gown. No one would guess her age by looking at her, her full head of golden hair, shot with bright silver strands. Arwen's mother Celebrían looked a lot like her mother, except for her white silver hair which came from Celeborn. But how lucky she was with her grandparents still here? Galadriel had caught her eye sometimes during the dinner. Although some people found her eyes cold and scary, Arwen could only see love and understanding in them. Perhaps she could talk to her later this evening. As the President of the White Council, she could understand how scared Arwen was for Aragorn's safety.
Her twin nephews Elrohan and Elrodal squealed at the prospect of dessert, as their mother, Elendiel tried to calm them down. Celebrían entered the room, followed by Lindir with marvellous platters of fruits, ice cream, and little petit fours. There was a small rumbling in her stomach, and Arwen helping herself to several of the cake and cream desserts. She had to eat something after all and then the best was always something sweet.
Afterwards they all gathered into the airy and now abundantly decorated living room. Coffee, tea and wine were passed around and Arwen curled herself up in her favourite chair. It stood between the fireplace and one of the decorated evergreen trees. The silver decoration reflected the snow from outside through a small round window beside her. Dreamy she looked outside. Snow or rain always helped to calm her down. At moments like these she really needed it. She wasn't at all surprised when her grandmother was suddenly beside her. Galadriel could often read her the best of all. Arwen fondly smiled at the woman, who had sat elegantly on her chairs arm. She smiled invitingly and Arwen nestled herself against her shoulder as Galadriel kissed her brow.
They didn't have to speak. Feelings passed through them. Her grandmother could feel all her anger, frustration and sadness. Venting those out in peaceful silence might appear strange. Tauriel and Éowyn were both far more vocal when angry and could never understand how Arwen did this so calmly. But Arwen felt her soul lighten. After a long silence and without breaking her gaze from the snow, she spoke.
"What should I do? I feel so useless."
"Let your anger go my dear, it won't help you."
"I am trying Naneth nana…"
"I know you are my dear."
"And I am worried. I can't seem to shake away this fear in me."
"We all need to fear this war; it will consume many. Aragorn will be and remain for some time in danger. We have foreseen it. But he has courage and strength on his side, as well as loyal friends."
"Legolas…"
"Yes, but others too. They will help him there. But the greatest help he will get from you." Arwen looked at her in surprise, but her grandmother only smiled.
"Your love for this man is so strong, and his love for you is perhaps even stronger. Aragorn is a protector Arwen. He always will be; it is in his blood. But you give him his inner strength to continue this fight." Galadriel looked at her in the eyes and Arwen felt a thrill through her body.
"The path you both chose is a dangerous and difficult one. You knew this when you started. You cannot turn back now Arwen." And Arwen sighed.
"I know, and I don't want to. But I cannot sit around here all day. I have to do something, or I will go mad."
"You have your studies my dear."
"They aren't difficult enough to take my mind off anything. Besides, whenever I learn something new, the only thing I can think of is how Aragorn could use it, or how I could help him." They fell silent. Minutes passed.
"If you think you a ready, I know I way you can help." Galadriel finally said and smiled at Arwen's grateful eyes.
"Anything!"
"Soon new Lothlórien troops will go to the front and some will return." Her grandmother said seriously. "They will need aid and support, especially mentally. Our bodies heal quickly, but our soul Arwen, will always remain scared. I will need your help." Arwen sat up and threw her arms around her grandmother's neck, bringing her off balance and they both collapsed in the armchair to great surprise of the rest of the family that had been doing their own thing.
"Hannon le!" Arwen cried and kissed Galadriel's brow. "Hannon le, hannon le!"
"I will need your help, my lady…" Suddenly a deep voice filled the room and Arwen shot up. She knew that voice with every fibre of her being. She crossed the room so fast it looked as if she could fly. But none missed her mutter her lover's name.
"Aragorn!" and with that she collided into his strong arms. Her cheeks felt wet as she clung onto him, and she didn't know whose tears they were. They simply melted into each other, the rest of the world falling away.
Her heart was safe.
As she had promised Kíli, Tauriel had planned to call Thranduil the next morning. Instead she was utterly surprised and at first speechless that he had called her first.
"Tauriel?" His deep voice had rung in her ear and she gulped for air.
"Yes?" She replied softly and heard a sigh of relief.
"Oh Tauriel! I am… I am glad to hear your voice." The small error in his speech made obvious to her how upset and sorry he was, and that alone opened the floodgates. Kíli, who too had been surprised at the unexpected phone call, was now also in shock to see tears stream down his love's face. He really wasn't sure what to think of this at all.
"A…Ada…" Was all she could manage and heard Thranduil's tears as well.
"I am sorry my dear. I truly am. I have been blinded…"
"I am sorry too… I shouldn't have…"
"No, I never should have lied to you Tauriel. I… I have to tell you something. Please go sit down." He said and as if in trance Tauriel swiftly nestled on to the couch next to Kíli, who immediately warmed an arm around her.
"When your parents died Tauriel, I swore I would protect you, no matter what. Their deaths… well that is for another time… but I made them a promise and I tried so hard to fulfil it. Yet I failed miserably." Tauriel wanted to interrupt but Thranduil continued.
"I protected you too much as Lemaril always said I would. You are the daughter we never had you see. But along the way I forgot you weren't my daughter, and that you had every right to explore life by yourself, without my guidance. I have come to realise painfully that I cannot protect you from everything. Your own parents wouldn't have been able to do so either. So, I beg your forgiveness Tauriel."
"Ada..." Tauriel said softly, so many thoughts in her head. "I forgive you. You are the only father I have left, and I didn't appreciate it. I only wanted to see the bad side… but never the good…" Then she suddenly laughed surprising both men. "We aren't very good listeners." And she heard Thranduil also smile.
"No, not really. I hope… no. I want to change that."
"Me too Ada."
"You have never called me ada so much." Thranduil laughed.
"You might not like to hear this but spending Yule at the Durin's has made me realise how precious family can be, even if not by blood. But you and Legolas have been my family longer than everyone else, and I do miss you."
"Even when we argue?"
"Even then…because then we are truly a family."
"You are starting to sound wise…hmmm…" and a silence fell. Tauriel and Kíli looked at each other. "Perhaps Kíli does have a good influence on you after all."
"He makes me very happy Ada, truly." And Tauriel laced her fingers through her love's, who in turn squeezed them gently.
"Well then perhaps it is time for us to try meeting again. I long to see you my daughter, as happy as you can be."
"I do too Ada."
"Come by tomorrow. There are still some things waiting for you here."
"We will be there."
"Hannon le Tauriel."
"Hannon le Ada."
And with that the conversation ended. They sat in silence before nestling into each other's arms and celebrating this newest victory. Kíli knew he could only be happy if Tauriel was happy and he would cross any bridge to ensure it.
And so, while the nerves rushed through his body the next day, he pulled on a brave face for her and drove them down to the Mirkwood Estate. It had snowed throughout the night as it had done for the past few days. Driving through it was becoming increasingly harder. Kíli hope that the roads would be safe enough during New Year's when they had to drive to Major Bard's Estate on the outskirts of Dale. But that was a worry for later, especially now Mirkwood loomed into view. Kíli wondered what it would be like to stay there an evening when Thranduil was there. He usually only saw Tauriel there when the Lord of Mirkwood was away on business. Other than that, their interactions had been brief and usually during bad circumstances. Once Kíli had gathered some of Tauriel's archery gear after Boromir's death. He and Thranduil had been civil, just like at the Archery Competition two months ago. The last time they had picked up Tauriel's belongings after the fight. Another month had passed meanwhile. In any case, Kíli hoped this time would be best. A good start for the New Year.
They entered the driveway and saw Thranduil waiting for them by the door. Impeccably dressed as always, he wore sleek grey pants with a burgundy streamlined sweater, highlighting his tall and broad physique. Even from a distance however Tauriel could see he had lost weight. His long platinum hair fell over his shoulders, his dark eyebrows looked concerned. Neither Kíli nor Tauriel commented on the cane in his hand, supporting his weight.
No words had to be said as Thranduil engulfed Tauriel into a hug. Kíli wasn't sure he'd ever seen something so powerful yet comforting. They simply held each other tight. When they finally released each other, he looked at her, her sparkling green eyes, and wiped away the single tear rolling down her cheek.
"My little star…" And Tauriel smiled. Then Thranduil turned to Kíli. They looked at each other, both eyes hard. But finally, the ice seemed to break and Thranduil held out a hand.
"We have shaken hands like this far too many times Mr. Durin."
"Please, it's Kíli sir."
"And it's Thranduil for me." A rare smile spread over the Mirkwood Lord's face.
"I believe I have to thank you for this meeting, Tauriel would have been far too stubborn without your influence."
"I take that as a compliment, but my uncle also played a part." An amusing grimace took over the smile.
"That's going too far for one day. Let us rekindle our families one step at a time." And Kíli laughed.
"I will keep that in mind… Thranduil." Happy spirits rose and Kíli felt the stone in his stomach lighten.
They made their way into the familiar living room. It seemed that without Legolas and Tauriel in the house, Thranduil hadn't bothered with any tree or decorations.
"We are going to have to remedy that." She said strongly, her arm linked with Thranduil who simply rolled his eyes amused.
"You know I never cared for such things. I prefer Elrond going through all the trouble so I can just admire it for the few days it lasts."
"You weren't at Elrond's this year."
"No, I was not, I stayed here, I needed rest." And he gave a small nod to his cane, worry entering Tauriel's eyes but Thranduil waved it away.
"Do not worry, it is healing now. Elrond gave me somethings." Then he swiftly changed the topic. "Have you heard from Arwen yet?" Tauriel shook her head. They had last spoken on Christmas day before the feast. Her friend hadn't been very excited which had left Tauriel feeling guilty. She had promised herself to make it up during New Years. She had picked out a beautiful circlet for her friend to wear with her new dress. They would get ready together as always.
"No not yet, I've been meaning to, but these days have turned into unexpected surprises." And Thranduil smiled knowingly.
"I think Arwen received the biggest surprise…" He said mysteriously but Tauriel knew her friend and father too well.
"No way! Aragorn did return! I thought he would stay in Mordor!"
"Yes, that was the plan. With everything that happened last month…" Thranduil said, sadly looking back at the battles at Pelargir and Gundabad. "Aragorn and Elrond knew they had to be very discreet. A surprise for all seemed the best idea." And Tauriel laughed, her feelings of guilt washing away and happiness for her friend filled her heart.
"No wonder she hasn't said anything, far too busy making up lost time." And they all laughed.
"I will make us something to drink." Thranduil said and looked at both of them. "Coffee both of you?" And Tauriel nodded her head in thanks. Kíli came to him.
"I'll help you. It's my job after all."
"Do you not trust me Kíli Durin?" Thranduil asked amused. And Kíli laughed.
"I don't have a choice now, besides that's the newest Barista Greenfields Florentine. Rosie's cousin helped design it and now it's all she talks about! It's said to be the best there is." And Tauriel raised an eyebrow at Thranduil who simply shrugged.
"I might have spoiled myself this Christmas. Which reminds me Tauriel, there is something upstairs waiting for you." And so, rather surprised and slightly worried, Tauriel left both men alone and ascended the stairs. She came into her old room to find a large package waiting for her. There was a note with it. She recognized Legolas' neat and elegant handwriting anywhere.
"My Dearest Tauriel,
Merry Christmas,
May the light of the Northern Star shine brightly upon you forever.
I know you must be disappointed I haven't returned from Mordor to spend time with you and Ada. I am sorry, I wish I was there with you now. But to journey back is too dangerous at the moment and there is so much to do here. I can help to bring some joy to the refugees, so at least the charity aspect reminds me of home.
Ada told me about your victory in the archery competition. Apparently Kíli Durin is a worthy opponent. Therefore, I feel that you need a new bow. I'm lucky with so many skilled archers around me. Some of my new friends and colleagues are from Lothlórien and have been very patient with me as I helped design a new bow for you. You know as well as I do that their handiwork cannot be surpassed. I hope it will find you well and that you will never have to use it as I have here.
I also hope you and Ada are getting along. I know you don't always see eye to eye. He is a difficult man I know that very well. But he loves us and you especially very much. So, forgive him, for whatever he's done this time.
I want to come back in spring. I heard that Éowyn and Faramir will be celebrating their wedding then and really want to be part of that. I will stay home as long as I can so that we can catch up properly. I miss you here dearly, my darling little sister, more than words can describe.
May all the light of the Eldar shine on you Tauriel,
Love always,
Legolas."
Tauriel swallowed thickly as she folded the letter carefully. Forgiveness. It was everywhere around her. She unwrapped the silver packaging which indeed contained a beautiful new bow. It was made of a light silver wood, long and slim. Delicate carvings covered the bow from tip to tip. Vines wrapping around the wood, thinly at first but heavier in the centre. The centre was thick, an overlaying leaf pattern shining brightly, as if it were dragon scales. She held it in her hand and instantly felt it was absolutely perfect. The weight and balance felt right. Legolas had sent several arrows with it and as she drew one back, she felt the pulse of this deadly weapon, thrilling her to her core. She hoped Legolas would like the gift she sent him, if it arrived at all! Her eyes fell on the holiday picture on her desk and she knew immediately she wanted to make it into a gift for Thranduil, but for another time. She pocketed the photograph and brought her new weapon downstairs.
Thankfully, both men were still living and breathing. In fact, Tauriel was surprised to hear laughter. There they were, sitting relaxed on the leather couches, both a cup of coffee in their hand. Hers stood steaming on the wooden table. Next to it were several slices of cherry pie, one of Thranduil and Tauriel's favourite. Thranduil caught her curious gaze.
"Luthriel brought it here when she heard I would be having visitors." Tauriel raised her eyebrows more. Luthriel was a charming woman who lived in the Mirkwood village. She and her husband had come to live there when their two children left home to work in Gondor and Lothlórien. Sadly, her husband had passed away in illness three years ago. They had all been there at the burial. But Luthriel was a strong woman had loved to keep busy baking and making crafts. She filled her time at one of the local bakeries. She often came by, her raven hair gathered together in a giant bun and kind honey eyes, bringing freshly baked goods for them to try. Legolas and Tauriel had long ago noticed how her eyes always rested on Thranduil longer then was perhaps necessary. Thranduil's word were casual, but Tauriel hoped to one day find something else behind them. Lemaril would have been happy for him to find love once again.
Comfortably on the couches they talked for what seemed like hours. None mentioned the fight they had had before it didn't matter anymore. This was a new page, fresh and clean. And so, they filled it with all things nice. Thranduil felt an obligation to get to know Kíli better. So, he asked him about his upbringing. His love for archery. His studies in politics. His work in Café Bree. And of course, his love for archery. And slowly but surely Thranduil seemed to understand the young man, who was full of ambition, but also full and utterly in love with Tauriel. It reminded him of himself, the way Kíli described the first-time meeting Tauriel, was how he had felt meeting Lemaril. He had to laugh at himself. Despite everything he had thought and perhaps wished…their love for each other was real. Feredir and Meriliel would have been proud.
With a sigh he knew what he had to do. He poured them all a glass of wine and sat seriously across Tauriel. She instantly knew something was up.
"Tauriel my dear, since we are starting anew, I wish to tell you something. Something very important." He looked at het alarmed green eyes. He looked pained. "I have been struggling for years with this. If it had all been my choice, I would have told you long ago, but alas it is not. You see, when your parents died…we found you had lost part of your memory. You might remember that we went to countless of doctors and therapists." Tauriel nodded. She remembered those trips as a child. She found them unnerving and frustrating. Question after question was asked to try to trigger her into removing the grey mist in her mind. But hard and try as she must, nothing ever did clear anything up.
"Have you remembered things recently." Thranduil asked softly even though he knew the answer. Tauriel nodded.
"Yes, I have. The last was recently. I remember a chess-game we played together, and I remembered doing the same with my father. And during the archery competition I remembered hearing gunshots, but everything was dark." Then with wide eyes Tauriel turned to Kíli. "Remember when we were in Lothlórien after Boromir's death?" And Kíli nodded fervently, how could he possibly forget that day. "It wasn't a dream, it was a memory!" Thranduil looked intrigued.
"What did you remember?" And Tauriel frowned in concentration.
"Nothing really helpful, just a lot of darkness and fear…Ada… what happened?" And Thranduil sigh.
"That's the problem, we don't know. I wouldn't have minded that you unconsciously repressed your memories, I wouldn't want you to remember. But in order to find out what happened, we needed you to remember…"
"But what do I have to remember? What happened?" Tauriel interrupted feeling frustrated. Thranduil sighed once more, his heart heavy.
"We need you to remember how and most importantly by whom your parents were murdered." There was a sharp intake of breath followed by a long silence.
"Murdered…but…" Tauriel muttered yet Thranduil interfered quickly, shame in his voice.
"I never wanted to shield you from this truth. Your parents died in honour and bravery. Not telling you was a terrible pain. But the psychiatrists kept telling us you had to remember by yourself. If we told you what happened you might have imagined things instead." He sighed again and took her hand.
"At first it appeared you were remembering events but then suddenly it stopped. Some wanted to prob your mind but I saw how happy you were, free of worry. And the nightmares you had at first were gone. I didn't want to break a happy and carefree childhood. Again I am going to have to ask for your forgiveness Tauriel." But Tauriel squeezed his hand softly.
"Ada, you don't have to. I understand, in fact, everything makes so much more sense to me now." Thranduil brought her into his arms, holding her tight. When he looked at her it seemed as if all the walls that had previously had guarded him had fallen away and she could finally see the love and tenderness but also pride he had always felt, but never dared to show.
"My brave little star." He said softly. "Your parents loved you Tauriel. More than anything, more than life."
The three of them sat in silence, letting all the news settle in. It was turning out to be as emotionally draining as Kíli had feared but not in the way he'd expected. He oddly enough felt happy. Despite hearing about the harrowing deaths of her parents, everything finally seemed to align and make sense. And Kíli knew that has been something she was struggling with. Now though, with pieces falling into piece she seemed lighter, her eyes brighter. Kíli wrapped his arm tighter around her and she gratefully held his hand. The look of sadness had disappeared from her face and replaced by one of determination.
"Ada, don't worry. I will remember what happened that night. And I know it has something to do with Gundabad." And Thranduil nodded.
"It has everything to do with Gundabad as well as Smaug." Kíli's head shot up.
"Smaug? What does that nasty son of a bitch have to do with it?" Tauriel was shocked! Kíli wasn't one to swear like that, at least not when he was with her. But the mention of Smaug had struck a cord deep into his core. Thranduil knew why. But now was not the time. There had been enough darker thoughts for one evening.
"Tauriel my dear, I have every faith that we will find out what happened and we will all have our revenge. But now let's focus on happier times. I have something for you." And with that he disappeared into his grand study. Unlike the library study upstairs, this one of strictly off limits, even to Legolas! Kíli took the opportunity to give her a quick kiss and she nestled into his warm chest. He looked at her softly with his kind brown eyes.
"Are you okay my love?" And Tauriel nodded. He kissed her brow.
"Amrâlimé…"
Thranduil came in holding a thick book.
"This is for you." He said in a heavy voice. "I've kept it safe for you, until you were old enough." She didn't know what to say as he handed it over.
It was heavy, covered in a dark red leather and elegantly decorated with gold leaf around the edges. In the centre was a name, calligraphed in golden letters.
'Forrest'. Her heart leaped to her throat and tears filled her eyes as she instantly realised what it was. Thranduil could only look at her sadly.
"I hope it brings you joy to look at… and perhaps will help you remember..." Then he bowed down gracefully to kiss her brow. His normally cold blue eyes were soft and loving. "They loved you with all their hearts Tauriel, just as I love you."
And with that he withdrew onto the couch to let her admire her parent's family album with Kíli.