AN: As always, thanks to my beta, shelter!
After weeks of carefully avoiding the paparazzi, meeting in secluded places, Irene was completely convinced that her relationship with Teresa was real and true. She knew that she had completely fallen for this woman, and she was terrified and exhilarated at the same time. Each night when she was lying in bed, looking at the ceiling, she could not help but wonder what it would be like to have Teresa next to her. She was wary of going too fast too soon. That had not worked out for them before.
But then again, before, they'd had to take any opportunity they could. That's what her dream voice said, anyway.
It was a Saturday night, and Clare was spending the weekend at her father's. Earlier that week, Teresa had called Irene and asked if she would like to come over for a home-cooked dinner and maybe just a night on the couch with a good movie. They would be alone. In Teresa's home. Irene had come to the decision that it was time to really take a chance on Teresa. It was time to put her trust in the other woman.
No one was after her. No one was out to hurt them.
She arrived at Teresa's building at ten till six, and the doorman let her in, expecting her. Teresa was unsurprised to see Irene ten minutes early. She was used to it by now.
"Hey." Teresa smiled and leaned in to kiss Irene softly as she pulled them both inside and shut the door behind them. Irene let her eyes flutter shut as Teresa wrapped her arms around her waist. Kissing Teresa was like jumping off a cliff and trusting her tether. She got a tug in her stomach and her heart thudded in her chest, and this feeling had not diminished as time went on.
When they pulled apart for breath, Irene returned the smile.
"Hey yourself." She looked around her, having never actually been to Teresa's home. It was cozy, but modern. Evidence of Clare's presence was all over the place. There was a schoolbag near the door, and a pair of child's sneakers in the hall. "Your place is beautiful," she said, turning around to take in more. "Do I get a tour?"
"Of course," Teresa said. "This is the front hall. Obviously. Or Clare's closet." She waved her hand at the coat and shoes left in the middle of the floor. "I suppose I should have cleaned up a bit."
"It's fine." Irene felt that having those little reminders of Teresa's child would help her keep a level head about all this. Teresa put her hands on Irene's hips and spun her around, pushing her down the hall. She showed Irene the apartment, though the door to Clare's room was closed. Teresa explained there was no way that mess was getting cleaned.
"So when do I get to see your place?" Teresa asked as they walked back to the kitchen.
"You've seen it."
"Only from the outside!" Teresa motioned for Irene to take a seat at the kitchen table, while she turned to check on the food. "I want to see the inside."
"It's not that interesting, I promise you." Her style was crisp and clean. She did not feel much need to put many embellishments in her home.
"Are you trying to say that you don't want me to see it?" Teresa's tone was light as she stirred one of the pots, but Irene heard the apprehension behind it.
"That's not what I meant at all," Irene assured her. "I would very much like for you to come over. But we'll have to either eat out or order in."
Teresa relaxed and turned back to smile at Irene as she started making two plates.
"I think I can handle that." She placed one of the plates in front of Irene and then sat down across the table from her.
"This looks very good." She cut into the chicken and was pleasantly surprised by its tenderness and favor. She didn't know why she had been so convinced Teresa couldn't cook. "And it tastes even better.
"It's nothing special, but I thought that cooking for you would be a nice change of pace."
"It is." Irene looked across at Teresa before taking a sip of her drink. "I'm very impressed."
"See," Teresa smiled triumphantly. "I have many talents." There was a very strong suggestion in her words and Irene blushed as she put down her glass.
"Apparently so. Do you do windows, too?" She raised a brow and Teresa laughed.
"Not anymore. I have people for that now. I'm just doing my part keeping New York employed."
"I'm sure." Irene rolled her eyes as she continued to eat. "Well, this is so much more than what I could have done."
"I'm sure you're just exaggerating," Teresa said, eyes twinkling.
"When I was sixteen, I almost got expelled from my fancy boarding school because I set the kitchen on fire," Irene informed her. "I was making pasta."
Teresa laughed appreciatively while Irene smiled tightly. "In that case, leave the cooking to me." Teresa regarded Irene a moment longer, her smile falling slightly. "Irene..."
"Not yet, Teresa." Irene looked down at her plate. Teresa had been getting closer and closer to the reason why Irene hated her time at boarding school, but Irene had not yet felt ready for full disclosure. How did you tell someone about your hallucinations, your depression, you suicide attempt? How was she supposed to bring it up? "Tonight is supposed to be fun and romantic. I don't want to ruin it."
"Okay. But you have to promise that you won't just keep putting this off in hopes that I'll forget." Teresa eyed her pointedly. "I have a memory like an elephant." She tapped her temple.
"I'll keep that in mind."
After dinner they moved to the den, where Irene curled up on the couch next to Teresa. The lights were low, and Irene was hyper aware of Teresa's chest against her back, and the fact that she was nestled between Teresa's legs. Irene did not really pay attention to the screen, instead concentrating on appearing relaxed and in control. That control wavered when Teresa's fingers began dancing along her ribs. They had made it halfway through the movie before those hands started to fully caress her sides. Irene closed her eyes and sighed, leaning her head back onto Teresa's shoulder.
"That's nice," she murmured. Teresa's hands travelled higher to graze the underside of Irene's breasts. She was slightly embarrassed when a moan escaped her lips, her back arching ever so into Teresa's touch.
"Is this too much?" Teresa asked quietly. "Should I stop?"
"No. Don't stop." Never stop.
God, it had been too long since those hands touched her.
"Good. Because I might have cried if you made me stop."
"I would never want that," Irene managed. She wanted so much to please Teresa. Teresa's lips came to rest against her neck, brushing the skin, causing Irene's breath to hitch and shudder. "If you leave a hickey, I'll kill you," she said, very distracted.
"I'll be careful, I promise." Teresa's lips travelled up, and she kissed the corner of Irene's jaw, nipping at her pulse point. She brought her hands higher, fully cupping Irene's breasts now, so gentle.
So different than how she used to be.
Irene moaned again low and deep in her throat, her hips rolling subconsciously. Teresa let one of her hands drop to Irene's hip then down to caress her thigh before dipping briefly between her legs.
"Oh, God," Irene gasped, closing her eyes tightly. It had never felt this good. Her medication usually prevented her from being so sensitive. It was like Teresa already knew exactly what to do, knew exactly where to touch her where she needed it most. Heart rate skyrocketing, she turned her head to capture Teresa's lips, the kiss desperate and hungry. She fisted her hand in Teresa's dark hair, as if she had done so many times before.
Teresa pulled her up so that Irene was straddling her lap, arms encircling her waist, their bodies pressed against each other as they continued to kiss. Irene let her hands rest on Teresa's shoulders, steadying herself as she got lost in Teresa's lips.
After several minutes, Teresa leaned back and carefully removed Irene's shirt. Irene was left in her simple cotton bra, wishing that she had worn a different one, a sexier one. She almost apologized for it before she realized that Teresa had paused, eyes devouring her.
"You're so beautiful," she whispered, her hand reverently touching the skin over Irene's breastbone. "Flawless."
Irene blushed and looked away, trying to ignore how exposed she felt under Teresa's intense gaze.
"No I'm not."
How could Teresa think so when she herself was so incredibly stunning? Irene knew that she was not ugly by any means, and she was sure that her body, at least, was attractive. But she was always self-conscious about her slightly hooked nose and angular features.
"Yes. You are." Teresa took Irene's face between her hands and kissed her soundly before nibbling on her bottom lip. "You're perfect. I never told you enough." Before Irene could ask what she meant, Teresa stood with surprising strength and ease, hitching Irene's legs around her waist, and carried her to the bedroom where she gently laid her down on the bed. Irene looked up at her, chest heaving in anticipation.
Teresa held eye contact as she pulled off her shirt and shimmied out of her jeans. Irene swallowed hard, staring at the vision of perfection before her. Not a single scar. She knew without a doubt that she had never seen a more beautiful person in all her life. She sat up and removed her own pants, leaving her in just her underwear on Teresa's bed.
Carefully and slowly, Teresa pushed Irene back down, leaning in to kiss her, the black waves of her hair falling around them. One hand kept her braced above Irene while the other ran down between her breasts and across her stomach, over the lesion that never closed, the place she should never touch.
Irene's breath seized, and the alarms trilled in her head. Stop stop stop stop. STOP.
"Stop," she squeaked against Teresa's lips. "Please." Disappointed, but not surprised, Teresa pulled back, closing her eyes and sighing. Irene stood and walked over to the curtained window, hand pressed to her chest, fearing her heart would break against her ribs. She vaguely expected to feel an open wound there. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right." She heard the bed creak as Teresa stood to come up behind her, but not too close. "I shouldn't have let myself get carried away."
"I want this, Teresa," Irene began, not quite sure how to explain her feelings, not quite sure what they even were. She wanted this so badly, but they would die if anyone found out. They'd be executed. No relationships between warriors. "But I just...I'm having trouble."
"With what?"
She was terrified. She had never felt more exposed and vulnerable, but Teresa was worth the risk. She had to be.
"When I was in high school, at boarding school, I started…" She swallowed, hoping Teresa would understand, would be willing to take this on. "I started to have hallucinations now and then. As I got older, they got worse. The doctors have never been able to come up with a diagnosis, but I've been taking antipsychotics for years. They've been enough until recently. Lately, it's been worse, but I'm...I'm working on it."
"I didn't realize," Teresa said softly from behind her.
Irene turned to face Teresa, heart fluttering at the sight of her almost naked body. "How could you have known? I've done my best to hide it. I didn't want to scare you off."
Teresa's eyes softened and she stepped closer, cupping Irene's face in her hands. "I want to know every part of you, and I want to be here for you to help you and support you however you need." She leaned their foreheads against each other. "And I understand. I'm...It's going to be okay, Irene. You're safe. We're safe."
Irene tilted her head so that they could kiss again, wrapping her arms around Teresa's neck, pulling their bodies flush. She thought she could feel Teresa's heartbeat.
"I want to do this with you," she said as she pulled back, away from Teresa's lips. "I'm just..." Frightened, scared, petrified... "Nervous."
Teresa pushed Irene's hair back behind an ear, tilting her head to the side. "I've never wanted someone as much as I want you."
Teresa's words sent an intense wave of desire through Irene's body that overwhelmed her fear, and she pulled Teresa back to her, capturing her lips again, her kisses desperate and needy.
"Are you sure about this?" Teresa managed to gasp.
"I am." As Irene looked into the black, not silver-never silver- eyes, she knew she had never and would never love anyone more. Not in a thousand lifetimes. Any risk, imaginary or not, was worth it.
Teresa maneuvered them back to the bed, laying Irene down and kissing down her neck and chest. For the first time in years, Irene let herself go, gave herself over to her desires and let Teresa make love to her. When they were done, hours later, both covered in a light sheen of sweat, Teresa pulled Irene close and let her rest her head against Teresa's chest.
"Thank you for trusting me," Teresa whispered into her hair. Irene closed her eyes contentedly, breathing in Teresa's scent. Why had she been so scared? Nothing could have ever felt so right. "I know how big of a step that was."
"And thank you for being patient with me." Reluctantly, Irene looked at the clock and sighed when she saw that it was nearly midnight. "I should go. It's late." But when she tried to move, Teresa tightened her arms.
"No. Stay here." Irene twisted around to look into Teresa's face, and saw that her eyes were pleading. "Stay the night. Please." There was a desperation in her voice that gave Irene pause.
"I don't have any clothes." It was the only response that came to mind.
"Well, I was planning on sleeping naked, but if you want, I have plenty of t-shirts you can wear, and no one is going to notice if you wear the same clothes tomorrow," Teresa insisted. "Clare's at her father's until tomorrow evening, and I...I wanted to cook you breakfast." Irene knew in that moment that she would stay. She could never say no to that face. "Please stay."
"Okay, fine. I'll stay. But only because you promised breakfast."
Teresa smiled and pulled Irene back down next to her, positioning them so that she was spooning Irene, and arm thrown over her waist. "Thank you."
"I expect breakfast to be phenomenal."
Teresa chuckled. "Good night, Irene."
"Night, Teresa." She settled into the sheets, snuggling against Teresa, and soon she was fast asleep. For the first time in weeks, she did not dream at all.
When Irene awoke, it took her a moment to recognize her surroundings. She was not in her room, and the clock on the nightstand was not hers. Confused, she pushed herself up on her elbows and realized that she was naked. Her eyes widened as the night before came rushing back to her. She glanced over to her left to see Teresa's equally naked form sleeping soundly next to her, dark hair tangled up in knots. Relaxing, Irene smiled. Teresa looked so peaceful in her sleep. Irene glanced over at the clock to see that it was only seven. Early enough that she should go back to sleep, but she had always been an early riser. Carefully, she swung her legs out of the sheets and off the bed and stumbled into Teresa's bathroom.
There was only one robe, and Irene decided that between the two of them, she would much rather have Teresa be the naked one. So she shrugged on the robe and ran a hand through her messy hair. She scrounged around in the drawers for a hair tie. She felt comfortable enough to go through Teresa's things, and was able to find what she needed with ease, as if she already knew where it would be. She quickly pulled her hair back, wishing she could take a shower, but the noise would wake Teresa, who had always been a light sleeper.
Irene frowned, and shook off the intrusive thought. There was only so much more medication she could take before the dosage would be too high. If these thoughts and dreams and delusions continued, she did not know what her next step would be.
Pushing away her worry, she padded into the den.
Irene had not brought any of her work with her, and she was not much of a fan of TV, so she made her way to Teresa's office and rounded up a few pencils and some paper. The view from the living room was very inspiring, so she curled up in one of the comfy chairs and began sketching, losing herself in the drawings.
"Can I see?"
Irene's pencil skittered across the page as Teresa's voice startled her. She looked up to see the other woman leaning against the wall, hair tousled, with her head cocked to the side wearing only a t-shirt that barely covered her.
"Oh, um..." Irene looked down at her paper, at the numerous sketches she had laid down in the two hours that had passed. They were mostly of Teresa. "Well I...it might seem weird..."
Teresa raised a brow and sauntered over to Irene, coming to stand behind her and looking over her shoulder.
"It's me."
"Um...yeah." Irene resisted the urge to hide the drawings, especially the ones where Teresa wore armor, letting Teresa take them from her hands to inspect them.
"These are fantastic, Irene," she said, holding them up to the morning light streaming through the window. She only paused for a moment as she came across the sketches of her as a warrior. "I didn't know you were so talented." She almost seemed upset with herself.
Irene blushed. "They're not that great," she muttered.
"Yes, they are," Teresa insisted. "And I have to say I'm flattered." She held up one where Teresa's eyes were half closed, looking down with a faint smile tugging at her lips, her hair falling in front of her face. It did not look exactly like Teresa, but it embodied the way Teresa made her feel. "It looks so soft and …gentle." She said it like she could not believe someone could see her that way.
"You were soft with me last night," Irene said quietly. "You were patient." She looked up at Teresa's kind eyes.
"I just wanted you to feel safe," Teresa said. "I know how nervous you were."
"You were incredible." Irene blushed. "It was all incredible."
"You were pretty incredible yourself," Teresa smirked, glancing back at Irene before studying the sketch further. "And this is incredible, too. I mean, the emotion is so moving. It's...Do I really make you feel this way?" She sounded so surprised, so pleased.
Irene nodded, gathering her courage. "Yes, it is. You make me feel...well, I've never felt this way before." She looked up into Teresa's dark eyes. "I...this might be too soon for me to say," she began, heart thudding loudly in her chest. She wondered if Teresa could hear it, feel it. "But...I love you."
The words hung in the air for a short, terrifying moment.
"I know." Teresa's face was utterly serious.
"What?" Irene blinked in surprise.
"I know that you wouldn't have shared what you did last night if you didn't love me," Teresa explained gently. "I know you." She placed the sketches down on the coffee table and knelt in front of Irene. "Yes, it hasn't been very long, and I know that you're scared by how fast we've gone. And I'm sorry...I'm sorry if I ever made you feel pushed."
"No, never," Irene assured her. "I made the decision on my own. You've never made me feel pressured."
Teresa nodded, never losing eye contact. "I don't know if I will say or do the right things to help you, but I will always try." Feeling very vulnerable, Irene looked away from Teresa's eyes. "I'm not ready to say it back yet, and I'm so sorry for that." Teresa bit her lip. "The last person I said that to was Clare's father, and I haven't said it to anyone else since. It's a little scary."
"It's okay," she said, turning back to look at Teresa. "I don't want to push you either. I didn't say it so that I could hear it back. I just...wanted you to know."
"Irene, I'm never going to lead you on, okay?" Teresa stood back up so that she could lean over and kiss Irene gently on her forehead. "I never want to hurt you or make you feel like you're giving more to this than I am."
"I know. I trust you."
She tried not to be disappointed that Teresa had not said she loved her. It was not unexpected. Teresa was hard to crack. Irene knew that Teresa cared deeply for her, and she knew she had to be patient. She could not let her insecurities or her nightmares get the best of her.
"That means a great deal to me." Teresa pulled Irene up and into a tight embrace, and Irene could feel her desire becoming stoked again. "Do you still want me to cook you breakfast?" Teresa asked, lips close to Irene's pointed ear. "Or...we could do something else instead?"
Irene shivered as Teresa's breath ghosted over her skin. "What did you have in mind?" She hated that she was unable to keep her voice steady. Teresa's teeth nipped her earlobe, and one hand pressed into the small of her back as the other slid down to rest on her rear, pulling her closer. Irene bit her lip, eyes closing, remembering that she was completely naked under Teresa's robe. Her hands clenched, bunching up the fabric of Teresa's shirt.
"Maybe we could move back to the bedroom?" Teresa took a step backwards, pulling Irene along with her. She moved her lips down to Irene's neck, nipping lightly.
"Teresa-"
"No hickies," she said against Irene's skin. "I remember."
"We don't need that kind of attention right now." Irene was proud of how coherent and intelligent that sentence sounded. It was quite impressive considering that Teresa's lips were now moving lower, over her collarbone and across her sternum.
"Hmm, I suppose you're right." Teresa nipped at the skin between Irene's breasts. "But no one will see them here."
No one will see them under the uniform. You can heal them anyway.
Irene arched her back, pressing herself into Teresa's lips, hands taking hold of her hair. "God, Teresa."
"I have a rule against having sex in the same room where Clare watches TV, so let's move this to the bedroom now." Teresa spun them around and pushed Irene down the hall.
That night when she slept alone at her home, her dreams came back in force. In her dreams, when Teresa touched her, it was carefully, mindful of her scar, her stitches, her wound.
In her dreams, they were the monsters.