Impact Winter

Stardate 47141.72
(Saturday, 21 February 2370, 17:32 hours, local time)
Starfleet Med-Health Building, Psychiatric Wing, San Francisco

"Why did you cut your hair?"

The therapist asking the question was using a tone that was firm but still gentle. She wasn't quite speaking to me as if I was an animal who might spook, but it was a near thing. I hesitated, looking out the window at the Golden Gate Bridge. The sun was about to set, and the towers were glowing in the waning winter light. I realized I had been twisting my ring – my engagement ring, made from a tube clamp Data removed from his arm – and forced myself to stop.

"I…" but I couldn't form an answer.

The therapist – not Marv Gratz, but a Vulcan woman from Starfleet whom he and Deanna Troi had both approved – waited a few seconds. Then she repeated, "Zoe, I need you to answer me. Why did you cut your hair?"

It should have been an easy answer, but it was loaded with so much baggage. "If I give the wrong answer, am I going to be committed? Or worse, is Data going to be… he won't be harmed?"

"We don't typically commit young woman for drastic hair changes," the therapist answered, a faint touch of humor coloring her tone. "As to Commander Data, the only harm he may experience is continued distress due to his concern for your well-being." She paused, then continued in a tone that was warmer than before. "Is this a constant fear for you? That someone will question your relationship, or his ability to be a real partner to you?"

I liked this woman, I decided. She wasn't coddling me, but she wasn't being completely blunt, either. I sighed then attempted to answer, "It's… it's not so much constant as it comes and goes whenever something happens."

"Can you tell me what happened recently?"

"Can you define recent?" I wasn't being snarky. Not really. "I mean, you have my file, right?"

"I do. I know you experienced a physical assault three years ago, and then again two-and-a-half years ago. I know you survived sexual assault and kidnapping just over two years ago. And I know you, Commander Data, and several members of the Enterprise senior staff were held captive over the Terran Christmas and New Year's Day holidays."

"Does it… does my file explain that the perpetrator of all that was Data's brother?"

"The android known as Lore?"

"That's the one."

"It does. It also says for most of last year he was sending gifts at random intervals. I was under the impression he was dead; is that inaccurate? Did you receive another gift?"

I shook my head, feeling my short, ragged hair swishing against my jawline as I did so. "No, it's accurate." I shivered. "It's very accurate. And no, I… there haven't been any more gifts."

"Then, why did you cut your hair?"

I sighed, looked back at the bridge, down at my ring, and then back at the therapist. She was young for a Vulcan, but she'd shared that she was half human. Her hair was long, straight, dark brown rather than the black most people expect to see. And she smiled. Not broadly… but enough.

"Dr. T'Jan – "

"I'm correctly addressed as Healer T'Jan," she corrected, "but you may call me simply T'Jan."

"T'Jan, then," I amended. "Intellectually, I know Lore is dead. I watched his body get disintegrated. I'm not sure… six weeks ago, Data and I left the Enterprise for an abbreviated winter vacation at my grandmother's farm – the farm where I grew up – on Centaurus. On the way there, I started having a telepathic breakthrough… I mean… I could hear Geordi's thoughts."

"Geordi is… ?"

"Commander LaForge, chief engineer of the Enterprise. Data calls him his best friend, and he's become a friend to me, as well."

"Is it typical for the two of you to invite third parties on your vacations?"

"No. But Data was forced to experiment on Geordi when we were in Lore's… facility… and it was important to me that their friendship was on solid ground before I returned to school. Also… Data and I had some unresolved issues, and I felt we might need a buffer."

"Did you?"

"Need a buffer? It turned out we didn't. But Geordi is a good guy, and I'm pretty sure he enjoyed the trip as much as we did."

"Oh?"

"Well, he hooked up with an old friend of mine, of my family, and she was definitely happy about it."

"I see."

"You're going to tell me I'm digressing, aren't you?"

"Are you?" she asked.

"A little."

"Tell me more about your telepathic breakthrough. I see that you're taking Perceptex; is that working?"

"It was…" I said. "Until it wasn't."

"Please elaborate?"

So, I did.

(=A=)

We were about half-way between the Enterprise and Centaurus when the headaches and nausea started. At first, it was just pressure in my head, but then I started hearing the echo of Geordi's voice as he was speaking, except it was the words he was aboutto say, instead of what he'd just said. I tried to block the sound, but all I managed to do was puke.

We'd flown commercial because the Enterprise was meant to be meeting us at Centaurus at the end of our vacation.

Stardate 47025.84
(Saturday, 10 January 2370, 22:22 hours, ship's time)
S.S. Charlie Parker

"Zoe, are you certain you do not wish to visit the main dining room this evening? It is unlike you to exhibit such reclusive behavior," Data's voice held a note of concern that I was likely the only person to recognize.

"I'm not hungry," I told him. In truth, I was, but the thought of food was repulsive. My head was hurting, and I was feeling fatigued.

"You have barely eaten today, and you are avoiding Geordi. Please tell me what is wrong?"

I sighed. "I thought, at first, I was just a little space sick."

"I have never known you to become so."

"No, I'm usually not. I think it's something else now. I think… when Geordi was over here after dinner yesterday, I could hear him thinking… hear what he was going to say before he said it. And then this morning, I could hear almost the entire ship… not you, obviously, but… and it's too much and I don't know how to filter? Stop it…? I don't even know the word."

"You are describing telepathy."

"I… guess? I always thought I was psi-null, but ever since – I'm sorry – ever since Tev and I melded I've been having odd experiences. When Ambassador Sarek died and all the Vulcans on the ship were mourning, I felt their heaviness. Deanna said it was probably just leftover from the meld, but…"

"There have been other experiences?"

"When we were with Lore, when the captain and Geordi and Deanna arrived… I was so desperate for her to know I was okay, and that you weren't really joining his cause."

"You made a telepathic connection with her." He wasn't asking. He just knew.

"Yes. But everything was so crazy I didn't have a chance to talk to you, and then I was injured, and didn't want you to worry… and then we were getting ready to travel and I forgot until…"

"Until you had a reason to remember. I am sorry you are uncomfortable and ill, dearest."

"It's not your fault, but I'm sorry I don't feel up to so many people… I know there's dancing in the main dining room, and I do love dancing with you."

"There will be other opportunities to dance, Zoe. I am more concerned with your well-being. I believe we should contact the ship's medical officer."

I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but I was in no shape to argue.

"Okay," I said. "Do it."

"What happened next?" T'Jan asked. "Was the ship's medic able to help?"

"Unfortunately, all she could offer was a strong anti-nausea medication and a sedative. I'm usually really uncomfortable being sedated – especially right after I was raped – I have nightmares. But I was exhausted, and my head hurt, and there was so much… I called it white noise… does that make sense?"

"You are not the first to have described telepathic overload that way."

"Good to know." I took a moment to resettle myself. "Anyway, I let them sedate me. The next thing I knew I was lying in bed in my old room at my grandmother's farm, only she'd had it redone to be more accommodating to Data, and to our relationship. And my family's doctor, Jaya Karylis was there."

"I have her notes. She's the one who diagnosed your latent telepathic breakthrough…"

"Yes. She gave me a Perspectex injection – hypospray, obviously – and said she'd be back a couple days later with three months-worth of the medication, and to give me a self-injection tutorial."

"And the medication helped?"

"It did. I mean, the pain went away, and I couldn't hear people's thoughts anymore. We tried to enjoy the rest of our vacation. I introduced Geordi to my friend Caroline – her father is the caretaker of our farm, and he and Gran… well… that's not really relevant. They hit it off, so we didn't see much of him for the next couple of days, but it was alright, because Data and I used the time to resolve some… issues."

"Like what?"

"Is this conversation confidential?"

"My recommendations for your treatment will be forwarded to Doctor Crusher and Counselor Troi on the Enterprise, and to Doctor Karylis on Centaurus, as well as to Healer Senoj in Connecticut, but beyond that, yes, anything you tell me stays between us, Zoe."

"Data and I… before Lore's minion dragged us to Planet Hell, he'd been receiving surges of emotion from Lore over a carrier wave. There was a surge of lust that spurred Data to some amorous behavior that was atypical for him, and even though I liked what we did, he was unsettled by the experience. He… he marked me… It was just a hickey – a love bite – but it bothered him in a way I couldn't understand at the time."

"I would think an android coming into complete emotional awareness would be as jarring for him as a telepathic breakthrough has been for you."

"Partly," I agreed. "But partly it was the lack of control. These were emotions being forced upon him. It hurt me to watch. It hurt me to not be able to help. I felt so useless… like, what kind of wife will I be able to be him, if I couldn't even handle that?"

"From all accounts, you handled everything quite well."

"You have notes on that, too?"

"I do."

I let that sink in. Then I said, "I tried. Data… he's been strong for me for so long, and in so many ways. It felt like it was only fair to be the strong one for him, especially since I was the one in less distress."

"And yet you worry you cannot meet his needs." She made it a statement, much the way Data did when we were having similar conversations, and for some reason, I found it reassuring.

"I do. But… I guess maybe some of that concern is normal." I wasn't asking either.

"Possibly. Is the Perceptex what triggered you to cut your hair?"

"No… we haven't gotten there yet. So… Data and I talked about his reactions. I told him I didn't want him to pretend to be anything he wasn't. I accused him of playing human for me, of holding back, or of trying to be what he thought I wanted. He refuted all of that, but then he asked if I wanted to break our engagement."

"Because you believed he was trying to be something other than his true self?"

"No… actually…"

"Then why?"

"He felt it was the ethical thing to do."

"Can you elaborate?"

I had a feeling T'Jan would be asking that a lot.

(=A=)

Stardate 47034.61
(Tuesday, 13 January 2370, 3:14 P.M. local time)
Harris Farm, Farmdell, Centaurus

"You're breaking up with me?" I gripped the handle of my mug tightly, forcing myself not to hurl it at Data's head in anger. "We haven't even been engaged for two months. We've barely even told anyone… and now you want to break up with me."

Android calm was tinged with real distress. "Zoe, you are misunderstanding. I do not wantto end our engagement. I merely wished to convey that it might be safer for you if we did, if you…" He hesitated – a rare thing for him – then began again with a different tack. "Your physical and mental well-being, indeed, your very life, has been endangered many times since we became friends, and then lovers. I am devoted to you. That will never change. However, logic dictates that I must ensure that you understand your options. I do not want a life without you. I do not want to end our relationship. I merely wish you to understand that if you feel that being my partner and eventually my wife puts you at too great a risk I will understand."

Suddenly, the truth of what he was saying – the real, emotional truth – penetrated my brain. "Oh, god. You're giving me an out."

"I… yes."

"I don't need an out, Data. I don't want an out."

"But life with me is inherently dangerous."

"Life with anyone is inherently dangerous."

"Zoe…"

But I cut him off. "Data… when we talked about moving in together, you assured me that all the things I was worried about, your reputation, and all that, you'd already considered. Do you think I'm so no naïve that I haven't considered the risk involved in being with a Starfleet officer? Especially one whose special abilities mean he's often tasked with things other officers aren't?"

"I have never believed you to be naïve."

I smiled and let go of my mug. "Thank you. We both know I'm young, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not unaware. That first New Year's Day, after we'd agreed that we were a couple and started using 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' to describe each other, I watched you beam away for a mission I knew nothing about, and I asked my father how he'd coped with my mother not being able to tell him stuff, or being at risk."

"Your mother's position has never been as dangerous as mine."

"No, I know. But at the time that was the only real reference I had. And in the time since then, I've seen you altered to look like a member of another race, seen you fried, nearly lost you to time and interdimensional snakes… and none of that had anything to do with Lore."

"No, it did not."

"So, if you accept that I was mature enough and informed enough for you to propose to me, and for me to accept, don't you think I'm also mature enough and informed enough to understand the risk, and choose it, because it means choosing you?"

"I had not considered all of that."

"Talking with Deanna and Beverly has helped a lot. And the women in SOAR. Data, I have so much more support now than I did when we were just figuring out what we were to each other. I won't ever have to face anything alone. And as horrible as being on Planet Borg with Lore was… I think we came through it with our relationship even stronger."

"I agree."

"So, no more outs, okay?"

"O-kay." I grinned, understanding that Data had chosen to echo my word because it was one that never fit well in his mouth, and that he knew I loved his attempts to make it work for him. "However, if anything changes… you will tell me." It wasn't a request.

"Feeling like I'm entitled to ask you things about your missions… and actually doing so… has already changed things, love. All the information I now have about how you function, that's changed things too. My mother said it last summer, but I needed time to accept it: I'm ready."

"We spent the rest of our time on Centaurus just enjoying being on vacation. We spent some time with my father and his wife and my little brother, and Data got to experience winter sports for the first time – sledding and skating and a seriously great snowball fight on the beach. Geordi left us on the 17th and we were supposed to catch a commercial shuttle back to Earth on the 22nd, but I contacted my advisor and dean and asked for extra time."

T'Jan nodded. "And the Enterprise came to Centaurus?"

"Captain Picard said the ship was there because they were transporting some artists back home, but I thought it was fishy that the ship arrived in time for my 19th birthday. My father hosted a party for everyone at his house… you haven't lived until you've seen the great Jean-Luc Picard walking on the beach with his pants rolled up at the ankle – and then the ship ferried me to Earth in time to start classes two weeks late. I'd been doing the reading, and my professors understood why I'd needed the time… so that was good… but…"

"The Perceptex began to be less effective?"

"Yes. I don't know if I wasn't doing the injections correctly – "

" – from what I've read, your levels were fine – "

" - or if it was just being around so many people in such close quarters, but there was some bleed-through. I contacted Dr. Karylis since she'd done the original prescription and she referred me to Dr. Senoj."

"Healer Senoj," T'Jan corrected my terminology with a slight emphasis on the other healer's name before she went on, "said that he believed your bleed-through was partly psychosomatic. He mentioned that you seemed very stressed."

"I was.," I admitted. "It was… it was as Valentine's Day got closer."

"The anniversary of your rape."

"Yes. I tried to prepare. I knew I'd need support, but I had that. My suitemates were there for me, making sure I didn't isolate myself. My dean's mate is a personal friend of Data's, and they've both sort of adopted me as an extra kitten – they're from Eeiauo – since we met."

"But something happened."

"A lot happened. Two of my suitemates were starting new relationships. Margo was dating one of our froco's – freshmen counselors – Gavin – and Anjali was hanging out with an art major named Diogo. It was really hard seeing them so happy and being so far away from Data at a time when I was already feeling really fragile."

"I can imagine. But that didn't spur your spontaneous haircut, did it?"

"No… that… I… there was a Valentine's Day dance in one of the other colleges – Yale doesn't have typical dorms; we have residential colleges – and Chuni didn't want to go alone so I agreed to go with her. Ironically, she ended up hooking up with someone five minutes after we arrived. My friend Marco promised he'd dance with me so I wouldn't be bored."

"Marco is…?"

"He's in my program, but a year ahead. We had a movement class together first semester, and we're in a theatre workshop together now. He's gay, so it wasn't like I'd be cheating on Data – I'd never do that."

"Did something happen at the party?"

"It was loud, and there were strobing lights. I was at the end of my Perceptex week – the next injection was due in the morning – and I started getting that white noise feeling again. Not like it was on the way to Centaurus, but enough that I knew it wasn't just my imagination."

"Go on?"

"I was kind of a wild child when I was a kid on Centaurus, before my mom had me join her on the Enterprise, so I'm pretty cautious about drinking at parties now. I mean… Data and I sometimes have wine with dinner, and we served champagne at our engagement party… but the whole drinking-to-get-drunk thing? I worked that out of my system when I was fifteen."

"But you drank at this party?"

"At first, I stuck to soda. But the carbonation was bothering me, and there was punch… there were two bowls of punch and only one was supposed to be spiked… I don't know if I picked the wrong bowl, or if they spiked both – "

" – my experience with humanoid college students suggests they spiked both – "

"Yeah. And yes, I knew – I know that Perceptex doesn't mix well with booze. I was dancing with Marco, and then there was this other guy…"

I knew she was going to say it before she spoke the words: "Can you elaborate?"

(=A=)

Stardate 47123.26
(Saturday, 14 February 2370, 11:45 P.M., local time)
Yale University, New Haven, Connecticut, Earth

"Zoe-darling, do you mind sitting this next one out. There's a guy from my poli-sci class I've been kinda flirting with and he's here, and I'd really like one dance with him."

I laughed. "Some date you are, Marco." But we both knew I was teasing. "I could use a break," I admitted. "It's all a little much."

"Confess," he said, "you just want to see if you've had a message from Data…"

I did, and I said so. I got another cup of punch, found a couch that was miraculously empty of anyone making out, and sat down to check my personal communicator. There was a message from my fiancé, but it was too loud to listen to it. I put the comm-unit away, and closed my eyes, trying to use the techniques Senoj had taught me to push the white noise away.

A heavy thud alerted me to someone else's presence on the couch, and I opened my eyes to find a guy dressed all in black sitting way too close to me. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," I answered and moved over a little.

"Don't run away. I've been watching you all night. Dancing with Marco. Don't you think you should dance with someone who actually likes girls?"

"I did," I said. Because I had danced with some of my other friends, and even with Gavin when he'd made a token appearance before spiriting Margo away.

"Don't you think you should dance with me?"

"I don't even know you."

"I know you. You're in the Davenport orchestra. Cello. I play trombone."

I looked at him more carefully, and realized he was the trombone player who always dumped his spit valve on his stand-partner's feet no matter who that partner might be. "I've seen you," I said. "Still don't know your name."

"Corwin," he answered. "But most people call me Cory. And you're… Zelda?"

"Zoe, actually, I corrected."

"Hey, at least I knew the first letter of your name."

"True."

"So, will you dance with me."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm actually not feeling that well. I think I'm gonna bail." I stood up but the noise in my head, the Perceptex and alcohol – and it had been real alcohol, evidently, because I couldn't push it away – made me dizzy, and I stumbled.

Black-clad arms reached for me. On one level I knew Corwin - as uncouth as his spit valve habits might be – was attempting to help. But at the same time… black arms, black clothes… suddenly, I was in the first flashback I'd had in months.

"Don't touch me!" I whipped around to face him, but my hair was in a ponytail and it must have hit him in the face or neck, because I felt him pull it. "Stop!" I yelled it louder than was probably necessary.

"Hey, don't freak, your hair tried to attack me!"

I snapped back to the present, but my scream had drawn attention. Gavin and Margo re-appeared from wherever they'd been, and one of the other frocos – from Durfee, I think – her name's Elana - also came to see what was going on.

"Zoe, are you alright?" My friend and suitemate was the first to address me.

"Yes. No. I don't… I have to get out of here. It's… too much… too loud… too many people." I was suddenly glad that the white noise meant I couldn't discern individual thoughts. "He didn't…"

"I just asked her to dance," Corwin was telling Gavin and Elana. "She told me she was gonna bail and then the tripped as she was getting up. I was trying to make sure she didn't fall. I swear, that's all."

"He pulled my hair," I said. "But I think it was an accident."

"It attacked me!" Corwin repeated what he'd said to me.

"You're sure you're okay?" Elana asked. "There's no… incident?"

"There's really not," I said. "I just… I'm having a bad night and I really need to go home." I glanced at Corwin. "I know you didn't do anything. I just… you reached for me and you're wearing black and he… He was wearing black… and…"

"He who? Who's he? I'm so lost." Corwin's confusion was making me edgy. Or… edgier.

I heard Margo answer for me. "Zoe was… assaulted… by someone two years ago… I think she might have had a momentary flashback."

"Thank you," I said to her. To the frocos and Corwin I said, "It's the anniversary. I didn't think I should be alone tonight, but maybe it would have been better."

"Do you want me to walk you home?" All four of the people around me asked at the same time.

"I…" I didn't know how to answer. "I think…."

"Zoe-doll, are you okay?" Marco had reappeared.

"I thought you'd left?"

"Naah, turns out we're not…" He paused, staring at me for a long moment. "You know; it can wait. You are definitely not okay."

I didn't want Elana pressing me for details. I didn't want Corwin to think I was interested in him. I really didn't want to ruin the night for Gavin and Margo. But I also didn't really want a gab session with Marco, either. "Would you mind walking me back to our suite? I asked my roommate. "I'm a little shaky… I just want to listen to Data's message and go to sleep. You can come right back…"

But Margo shook her head. "I don't want to leave you alone. Gavin… ?"

"Go with her. It's all good. I'll walk you both back to Welch, and you can call me and let me know when Zoe's settled."

"You're a really good friend,"

"As long as Zoe feels safe with you." Elana's college was really lucky to have her as their froco.

"I do." I said. "Thank you all. Corwin, I'll see you at rehearsal and explain."

"Brunch tomorrow?" Marco asked.

"Sure," I forced a smile, then let Margo wrap her arm around my shoulders, and escort me out.

Once we were back in our common room, she sent me to change into pajamas and replicated cocoa, which she brought to my room. I patted my bed and we both sat on it, me at the head, she at the foot, facing each other. "I know you really want to talk to Data, but are you sure you're okay?"

"My Perspectex was wearing off, the punch was spiked, and my head got spinny. I was gearing up to leave when Corwin crashed my couch and asked me to dance. I should have just told him I'm engaged and my fiancé wouldn't like it, but Data trusts me to dance with someone at a party without it meaning anything, so I hate to use him as an excuse. But when I got up, I stumbled, and when he reached for me, I saw Lore."

"I thought that looked like a flashback." Margo was an economics major but was taking Psych 101 that semester. "What happened to Chuni? You two were supposed to be together. Well, you two and Marco."

"Met a guy. Disappeared. It's a party; it happens."

"But she was supposed to…"

"Make sure I was okay? I was, until I wasn't. None of this is your fault. It's a combination of a lot of things over several years, and honestly, Margo, you should go be with Gavin. It's Valentine's Day… just… use protection."

She grinned. "From anyone else that would be insulting, but from you… I promise we will. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure."

T'Jan was staring at me in that inscrutable way that seems to be instinctive for all Vulcans. You didn't mention Commander Data's message."

"No," I said. I listened to it, and that's when… well, it's easier if I start from there…

(=A=)

Stardate 47123.74
(Sunday, 15 February 2070, 3:57 AM Local Time)
Yale University, New Haven, Connecticut, Earth

As soon as Margo left, I played Data's message. It was short. He was cancelling our planned subspace "date" because of a mission, but he wanted to make sure I'd received the flowers he'd had delivered, and male sure I knew he missed me.

There was a brief hesitation before he added, "I do not know if you are paying attention to the news from FleetNet, but the Hera, the science ship commanded by Geordi's mother, is missing with all hands, and presumed lost. I will attempt to contact you tomorrow morning, but if you have time, I believe Geordi would appreciate a note from you."

It wasn't like Data to solicit support for his friends, but Geordi… Geordi was the brother he should have had, and was a good friend to me, as well, so I knew it meant something that his friend was grieving. If we'd been able to connect in real time, he'd likely have sought my advice on how to handle the situation.

In any case, I sent back a brief message thanking Data for letting me know what was going on before anything hit the Civilian news nets. The mainstream media would likely be announcing that a Starfleet vessel was missing, without naming the ship until the families of all the officers and crew had been contacted. His information meant I wouldn't worry unnecessarily.

I turned on FleetNet in my room. It wasn't accessible on the common entertainment system, but I didn't mind watching Starfleet news in bed, especially that night. My head hurt, and even alone in my suite, I could feel all these other minds pressing in on me.

A profile of Captain LaForge of the Hera was playing – typical fare when there was a lost ship – but then the video switched to include information about her husband, her daughter, and her son – Geordi – who was shown on the Enterprisebridge in conversation with Data.

That, also, wasn't unusual. News crews were on the ship more often than most people realized - whenever there was a major dignitary aboard, or if there was a planet about to be inducted into the Federation.

I knew watching 'fleet news was probably not the best choice, but I couldn't help it. As much as I'd resented Starfleet when I was a kid and felt it was stealing my mother from me, the rhythms of shipboard life had become my baseline, and there was a certain amount of comfort in hearing language and terminology I had grown accustomed to.

Mom and Deanna would find it amusing.

Even Data would appreciate the irony.

I changed into one of my purloined Starfleet Academy t-shirts and set on the end of my bed, letting FleetNet continue to run while I prepared my hypospray for my Perceptex injection. It was a little early – I didn't usually do my shot until right before breakfast – but my head was hurting and if I did it before bed I could sleep late and get brunch at the Bistro or go off campus.

It didn't occur to me that the alcohol I'd had hours before would be an issue.

The hiss of the hypospray against my thigh usually brought instant relief. And in terms of the weight of everyone else's thoughts, it did. The white noise receded, but I began to feel really woozy – dizzy, even - , and my stomach started to heave about five minutes later.

I raced to the bathroom, aiming for the toilet, and let three glasses of punch plus some questionable taquitos and bean dip make a reappearance I really hadn't needed, but my head was still swimming, and while I couldn't hear other people anymore, I felt myself slipping into this weird combination of flashback and hallucination.

Corwin had reached for me – Lore had reached for me – black sleeves, pale hands, pale white, pale gold. My hair being tugged, my hair being used to pull me across the deck of a stripped-down ship. Words Lore had spoken to me resurfaced. "Does Data play human for you?"

It had been one of my fears, when he lost control… that he was just playing human for my sake,,, that he didn't really want the relationship we had – but mostly I knew that was Lore's jealousy and twisted perceptions.

I had to vomit again, and my hair got in the way.

My first week at school I'd held my roommate's hair for her when she'd had a bad reaction to alcohol, but that night there was no one there for me, and I kept feeling the tug of Lore's hands, and I couldn't take it anymore.

My hair was a liability.

Lore used it against me.

Data was obsessed with capturing it on canvas.

I pushed it out of my face, but some got stuck on my lip, and I couldn't pull it away fast enough. It made me retch again.

I didn't even have to replicate shears – Margo liked to trim her own bangs, and her scissors were right there in a cup on the counter.

The first cut… the sound of the metal blades meeting through my hair, the feeling of being immediately lighter… I couldn't stop. I kept cutting and cutting, my hair falling all around me… I think I was mostly done when the urge to heave came back, followed by a wave of exhaustion.

I don't remember if I chose to lie down on the bathroom floor, or if I slipped.

I remember that the tiles were cool against my skin.

And then there were bright lights and my roommates were calling our head of house and our dean and Bright-Star wrapped her tail around my waist and told me to come with her, and I think I woke up in her guest room…

(=A=)

"Zoe, stop." Healer T'Jan's voice was firm but also gentle. "You are not required to continue further."

"I'd forgotten lying on the floor," I said.

"That is not surprising," she responded.

"I'm a little foggy on what happened next. I mean, I know I was staying with Whiskers and Bright-Star, but I don't know if it was just that day or longer."

"Your mother arrived on Sunday evening. Your fiancé, as you know, has not been able to leave the Enterprise."

"He's called every day, though. He thinks he's not enough. He's wrong."

"He cares for you very deeply."

"You spoke to him?"

"Only to assure him that we were taking good care of you, and that you were in no physical danger. We are very strict about patient confidentiality."

"I don't have secrets from him."

"But you were not in a frame of mind to give informed consent to let Commander Data have access to your records."

"Oh. No. I guess not." I stared out the window at the bridge, which was illuminated now that darkness had descended. "What happens now? Do I get a stronger scrip and go back to school or…?"

"I think sending you back to school would be unwise, though if you insist upon returning, we will not stop you."

"I don't want to flunk out."

"Most universities in the Federation make accommodations for students who are ill or injured."

"I hear a 'but' coming."

"Indeed. I think it was unwise for you to return to school so soon after experiencing another trauma. I believe you would be better served by spending several weeks working with a healer who is both familiar with latent telepathic breakthrough in humans and experienced with handling it."

"You say that as if you don't think Healer Senoj did a good job."

"I believe he would have been an adequate healer for someone who had not experienced repeated trauma over the past several years. You are a unique case, Zoe."

"So, are you admitting me, then?" I did not want to be stuck in a hospital, and especially not the psych ward.

"Not at this point. You are a legal adult and are competent to make decisions about your own care. If you didn't have a support system here on Earth, I would recommend either admitting you – "

" - I'd rather not - "

"No, I didn't believe you would. The second option would be to stay here in San Francisco, with your parents, and work with someone on an outpatient basis."

"By 'someone,' you mean you?"

"If you are amenable, yes."

"What if Mom and – what if my parents aren't willing to babysit me?"

"Do you think they will object? Everything I know of you points to a positive relationship with your family. My understanding is that your emancipation two years ago was strictly for professional reasons. Is that not the case?"

"It is," I said. "But Mom and Ed… their marriage is relatively new, and while they've been gracious and welcoming when I've visited, I don't know that they want to have me there long-term. Is there an option three?"

"With reluctance, and against medical advice, you could return to the Enterprise and let Counselor Troi and Doctor Crusher coordinate your care. I believe they are both capable physicians, and I understand the assurance you would gain from being with Commander Data."

"So, now I'm a pathetic creature who can't function without her boyfriend?" I was only half kidding.

"Not at all. In fact, Zoe, you have done an admiral job at 'functioning' for these past weeks."

"I think you might be wrong about that."

"Do you? You have survived multiple traumas in the past two years, the most recent over the winter holidays. You watched your rapist torture your fiancé. You witnessed the death of several Borg drones. You…"

"… helped commit a murder…" the words came out of me unexpectedly. And I froze.

"A murder?"

"You said our conversation is confidential. No matter what I say?" She'd assured me of that when we'd started the session; I wanted to confirm.

"That is correct."

"When Lore… Data shot Lore… on the planet… and deactivated him, but it wasn't enough. If we'd left him there, if we'd stuck him in cryo somewhere, he could have been activated once more. We met with Captain Picard and Captain Louvois – she's from the JAG office – and discussed options."

"You were part of these talks?"

"I had to be. It was the only way I could face Lore. It was the only way I could help Data. It was the only way I'd know for certain I was safe."

"I understand. Please elaborate?"

I didn't even roll my eyes that time.

But I also didn't tell it as had happened.

"We discussed options. Life imprisonment for a functionally immortal being seemed cruel and impractical. Going to court would have put Data in the spotlight, possibly ruined his career, and definitely called our relationship into question."

"No one has an issue with your relationship, Zoe."

"Even if the general public knew we'd been dating since I was sixteen? On the Enterprise where everyone knows him, it's different. They know Data would never – could never – harm me intentionally. They know he wouldn't groom anyone. But Marvin Gratz thought that's what he'd been doing, and I don't think his perception would be the only similar one."

"Perhaps, perhaps not. In any case, my notes say that Commander Data was assigned the task of permanently ending Lore's life."

"He was. But I was with him."

"You saw him take the shot that vaporized Lore?"

"Saw him. Tried to convince him that I should do it for him. Data didn't allow it, of course."

"Of course," T'Jan's tone was even dryer than it had been all afternoon. She stared at me for a long moment, then asked, "Zoe, what is it you're not telling me?"

"I've been having nightmares," I said. "I've always had very vivid dreams. I had nightmares after Wolf 359. I had nightmares after Lore raped me. I had nightmares after every gift… or I just didn't sleep. I was okay while I was with Data on Centaurus. But once I got to school, classes and friends and the orchestra and missing Data and the stupid telepathy all sort of snowballed, and I was having nightmares again. I keep dreaming Lore isn't dead. Or worse, I dream that he's taken Data's place, and it's Data who was vaporized."

"You know that is not true."

"When I'm awake, and my intellect is functional, I know it. When I'm asleep it's not so easy."

"Do you find that the Perceptex is less effective after you have had a nightmare?"

Her question surprised me. "I hadn't thought about it, but… yes. Yes, I do."

T'Jan was quiet for several minutes, and I used the time to watch the evening traffic flitting across the bay – some people returning to the City, some people going home to Oakland or Marin. Finally, she spoke.

"It is not often that we see telepathic breakthrough in someone your age, Zoe. Usually, these things happen at the onset of puberty. It is possible that the various traumas you experienced became a collective catalyst, but I am certain there must be another cause as well."

"What are typical causes?"

"Forced telepathic contact, mating bonds gone wrong, and improper mind melds."

"Improper?"

"Melds performed by untrained telepaths."

I closed my eyes, realizing, finally, what had caused my mental issues. "Like, say, if a half-Vulcan/half-Betazoid boy and a Centauran girl accidentally melded during sex?"

The Healer's dark eyes widened. "You melded with such a person?"

I nodded. "Before… before I was anything more than Data's student, I was dating one of my classmates. Stevek Mairaj." I used his full name because it felt appropriate to do so. "Tev came to Centaurus with me for Christmas and my father's wedding… I was still fifteen the first few times we… and he was very sweet… but the first couple times were awkward and then there was one time that wasn't and he touched my mind accidentally but we both freaked out. He wasn't supposed to be able to meld."

"Did your relationship last long?"

I shook my head. "No. Not the sexual part. After the Borg… his parents requested a transfer off the Enterprise. But we made love the night I turned sixteen and we melded again… and it was beautiful."

"This was before Ambassador Sarek died?"

I nodded. "Months before. More than a year."

"I see."

"You're re-thinking the whole admitting me-thing, aren't you?"

"I assure you; I am not. You need the help of experienced healers and counselors, yes, but you do not belong in a hospital."

"Is there a way to get rid of it?" I asked.

"Get rid of…?"

"Telepathy. I've lived my whole life thinking I was psi-null. I was tested, like every Federation kid is when they start school. Nothing."

"But you are Centauran."

I quoted my fiancé. "I do not understand."

"The original indigenous Centaurans were Vulcanoid. Most of them intermarried with the first Federation colonists."

"The Harrises are one of the First Families," I said, understanding dawning. "So, you're saying this was always a possibility, just not a likely one?"

"Essentially. A DNA scan would confirm the genetic marker, but at this juncture it isn't really necessary. The fact, Zoe, is that you were not raised as a telepath, and your body is fighting the latent ability even as it's struggling to break through. Drug therapies – like the Perceptex you're using – can help short term, but short of burning out part of your brain surgically, there is no way to remove it."

A mental image of Data's head as I inserted Lore's chip flashed in my head, and I shuddered. "I've had enough mucking about with people's brains that weren't attached to my body," I said. "And as you said, Perceptex isn't meant to be used long-term. Why do I feel like you're asking me to make a bigger choice than just staying with my parents or going home? "

"I am asking you to make a choice," she said. "I'm asking you to choose to accept your new ability and learn to control it, rather than trying to block it out, possibly causing irreparable brain damage."

"Couldn't I go back to school and see you on the weekends, instead of Healer Senoj?" I knew the answer wouldn't be what I wanted. I had to try.

"Being in close quarters with so many people would be extremely unwise at this juncture."

"Yeah." I was quiet for almost a minute. "I guess we should ask my parents to join us and talk about logistics."

T'Jan allowed a small smile to spread across her lips. "I agree." She tapped her comm-badge and requested that someone escort Mom and Ed from the waiting lounge.

"One more thing," I asked while we waited. "What are my chances of going back to the Enterprise for spring break, at least?"

"When does it start?"

"A month from now."

The healer was quiet, as if she were calculating. "I cannot promise," she said after a few seconds. "But if you work with me, and are receptive to the techniques I suggest, there is a good chance we can make that happen."

I chose not to question her.

I also chose not to ask if I'd be returning to school after the break.

One thing at a time.

(=A=)

Stardate 47144.57
(Sunday, February 22, 2370, 3:26 PM local time)
Emily & Ed Benoit's home, San Francisco, Earth

My first full day at my mom's house had me feeling like I was stuck in limbo. T'Jan had sent me home with a fist-sized device that I could use to block telepathic signals in a confined space – like my bedroom, or the dining room – but I hadn't used it yet.

What I really wanted was something that would block my mother's worry. She kept asking me if I needed anything, or if I were hungry, or did I want her to do laundry for me. I knew she meant well, but I wasn't an invalid.

Talking to Data would help, I knew, but I preferred to do that right before bed… and I'd already taken a nap that afternoon.

Finally, around three-thirty in the afternoon, I asked Ed if I could borrow Bogart.

"Feeling antsy, are you?" he asked, sympathy evident in both his expression and his voice.

"I usually spend an hour or two swimming on Sundays," I explained. "I really need to do something physical. I thought maybe I'd take Bogart for a run." The Labrador was walked every morning and had a yard for potty trips the rest of the day, but Ed's walks were sedate, I knew. Or at least, more sedate than a run a nineteen-year-old could offer.

"There are collection bags attached to his leash," Ed said. "I figure since he makes the deposits, he should carry the cleanup tools. There are receptacles every other block around here." San Francisco was as much known for being pet-friendly as it was for being the home of Starfleet Headquarters and the Academy.

"You don't mind?" I asked.

"I don't. In fact, if you want to be his chief excursion officer while you're here it'd probably be good for both of you."

"'Chief excursion officer,'" I repeated, smiling a real smile for the first time in what felt like forever, "I like it."

"I'll show you how to get him into his harness," my stepfather said. "Bogart," he added, lifting his voice so the dog would hear. "Walkies!"

The black dog came running from wherever he'd been and started spinning in circles. "I can see he hates this idea," I laughed.

A few minutes later, clad in sneakers, leggings, and my 'I Support My Starfleet Partner' sweatshirt, I was jogging through the Panhandle of Golden Gate Park with a happy dog at my side. I hadn't done a lot of running recently, but my weekly swimming had me in decent shape, aided by the requisite movement class I'd been taking at school, and our outward journey of about a kilometer was at a steady pace. The return trip was slower because Bogart had moved into sniff mode, but I didn't mind. It was a brisk February afternoon, with a rainstorm scheduled for later in the day, and there weren't a ton of people around. It was the first time since I'd arrived back at school a month before that I'd felt truly at peace.

Sweaty and pleasantly tired, I returned to my mother's house with a panting dog and a slightly easier mind. I put away Bogart's leash and collar, made sure his water bowl was full, and headed upstairs to shower and change.

"Oh, Zoe, you're back. Feeling better?" My mother was coming down the stairs as I was going up, and she was sporting the concerned version of her gushy-mom look,

"I am," I said. "A bit. I mean… T'Jan said that I'm going to be off-kilter for a while, but… fresh air and exercise helped a lot. Also… Bogart is great company."

"Good," she said. "I'm glad it helped. Listen, it's been a long weekend… how would you feel about Chinese take-out tonight?"

"Does that one restaurant still serve their Mongolian Beef over glass noodles?" I asked.

"They do," Mom grinned. "And the best pot-stickers on the planet."

"That sounds really good," I said, meaning it. "At school take-out usually means pizza or sushi, though there's this one place that delivers fried chicken… not something I ever needed to have in a to-go box, but pretty tasty."

Mom laughed. "Take-out pizza is the one food I craved when I was on a starship. Replicators can't quite get it right."

"I keep telling Data that… he doesn't believe me. Once, he offered to replicate a cardboard box and have Guinan serve me a pizza in it… but it's not the same."

"No, it's not." She reached out to ruffle my hair, but I pulled away.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm just really sweaty and gross."

"Of course. Go clean up. It's too early for dinner… we'll eat around seven."

"Any chance we could go totally casual and watch a video with dinner?" It would let us be together without the pressure of conversation, and I wouldn't feel rude if I used the telepathic dampener.

Mom grinned. "I think that could be arranged."

"Thanks, Mom. You're the best." I said. I flashed a smile at her and ran up the stairs to my room, but I paused outside my door to yell back down the stairs, "Any chance of having some coffee or tea when I come down?"

She yelled back that she'd put the water on.

(=A=)

Stardate 47161.58
(Saturday, 28 February 2370, 11:28 PM, local time)
Emily & Ed Benoit's home, San Francisco, Earth

Was it just me, or did subspace calls always seem to take longer to connect when you were anxious to speak with someone? I was in my room and Mom's waiting for my call to the Enterprise to go through. On the ship, it was early morning, an hour or two before alpha shift – the "day" shift – would typically begin. I hadn't spoken to Data in real time since the previous Sunday, mainly because he'd been involved in some mission he couldn't tell me about on an open channel. We'd sent brief messages, but it wasn't the same. We'd agreed on a secure call just before my intended bedtime.

Finally, the comm officer's face – no one I knew – appeared on my screen. They (they were from a planet I couldn't remember the name of, though I knew they were non-binary) greeted me and transferred my call with professional haste.

It took a second or so for Data to take over the call, but when he did, I was surprised that the room behind him wasn't our quarters. "Are you in the captain's ready room?" I asked, instead of greeting him.

"It is good to see you, Zoe," he answered. "The answer to your question is yes, I am."

"Is this because of the mission you're on? Is the captain okay? Are you okay?"

"I am functioning adequately. I am also in command of the Enterprise and have been for the past week."

"Are the captain and Will alive?"

"They are, though currently they are undercover on a mercenary ship. We believe they are tracking a collection of ancient Vulcan artifacts, though we have not yet discerned their purpose."

"The captain is engaging in grand theft antiquities?" For some reason, I found that amusing.

"In a manner of speaking."

"I'm guessing you've already told me more than I'm supposed to know?"

"Not at all. As you are aware, you are entitled to ask these things, dearest, and I will tell you when things are classified, and you truly should not know. However, in this case, there is little to tell. We are tracking the mercenary ship and waiting for them to make their next move."

"So, it's a lot of 'hurry up and wait?'"

"Indeed." He paused, clearly giving me a beat before he changed tack. "Are you well enough to offer some insight on an issue I am having?"

"I'm not sick, Data. Just going through some mental health issues." Latent telepathy was mental health, wasn't it? And even if it wasn't, T'Jan felt I was still processing trauma as well. "And yeah, I can try. I'm glad to try."

"I do not wish to overtax you."

"You won't." I assured. "But if it will help ease your mind, I'll tell you what I've been doing all week first, and then we can go back to your… issue?"

"Certainly. I would like to know."

"A lot of it is breathing and meditation, actually," I said, and quoted my healer, "'A calm mind is a healthy mind.' She's not trying to recruit me to the practice of C'thia, though. She thinks I need to learn to manage stress better and learn to build mental walls as much to keep my own thoughts and feelings in as to keep others' out."

"Lwaxana Troi gave you similar advice several years ago," Data pointed out.

"When she said I was broadcasting my feelings for you, yeah. And that should have been a clue, but it's one of those twenty-twenty hindsight things. Both Tev and Somak tried to teach me meditation techniques, too. Somak was better at it… I really should contact him. See if he and Tara are in town. I've never been much for yoga, but since I'm not swimming right now it might be a good idea. And her massages are almost as amazing as yours."

"Are you still walking Bogart?"

"I take him for a run every afternoon between therapy and dinner. It helps me decompress, and he loves getting to go fast. T'Jan doesn't want me driving for at least another week, but once she clears me, I'm asking Ed if I can take him to the beach for our runs."

"You will be careful of the water?"

"Well, Ocean Beach isn't exactly swimmable anyway, so, you don't have to worry. And being near the water is almost as good as being in it."

"My mermaid," he said, a faint smile curving the corners of his mouth upward. My smile.

"Always," I agreed. I took a sip of the mint tea I'd made before starting the call. "Okay, your turn… Captain."

"My rank has not changed," he said, with the faintest hint of reproach in his tone. "But that is… I am not certain I am succeeding in this role."

"You've been in command before," I pointed out.

"That is true. But in those cases, my command was limited to a finite amount of time. In this case, I truly do not know when – or if – the captain and Commander Riker will return. As well, I have been in conflict with Worf."

"With Worf?"

"Yes. He disagreed with one of my command decisions and voiced his opinion on the bridge, while acting as my first officer."

"And that threw you?"

"It is the second time in recent weeks that I have had to 'ride the edge' between friendship and authority."

"The other was with Geordi? When he thought he was speaking with his mother?"

"That is correct."

"I get that. And you… I've said it before. You wear your authority quietly, which means even your friends who know you outrank them don't always remember it in the moment."

"Do you believe it is only that, and not that I am ill-suited to command?"

"Well, I'm a little biased, Data. I'm your partner. I love you. I'm always going to believe that you can do or be anything you want… but… do you want it? Command? Your own ship? I don't think we've ever really discussed it."

"We have… and we have not."

I grinned. "Yeah. Never so specifically. So, do you envision yourself with your own ship someday?"

"Command of a starship is the expected result for someone with my career, training, and record."

"Expected, sure. But you have a tendency to defy expectations, love. So… tell me… do you want it?"

"I…" He hesitated. "I am aware that life as a captain's wife is not your end goal."

I shook my head. "You're being evasive. My only 'end goal' is a life with you. Marriage. Children – eventually. Deb Jellico maintains a career while still traveling with Edward."

"But Mrs. Jellico writes children's books, something that is not dependent on location."

"Data…"

"I failed to ensure that the captain returned safely from his original mission. I failed to prevent Commander Riker from leading the away mission where he was captured. I have been considering whether I am fit for command, or if I should be seeking an eventual position outside Starfleet."

"But…?"

"But in analyzing everything that has happened in the last two weeks, I cannot determine any action I could have taken that would have changed the outcome of any event."

"And that means?"

"I do 'want it,' Zoe.

I smiled. "Then, maybe, when this mission is over, you should speak to Captain Picard about broadening your experience. I know Captain Jellico asked you to fill in for his XO when she went on maternity leave."

"We have maintained contact. Commander Sh'gar'n is still several months away from giving birth. Her people have an exceedingly long gestation period."

"Fifteen months. I looked it up."

"You would not object to spending your summer vacation on the Cairo instead of home?"

I sighed. "Depending on how things go in the next several weeks, Data, I may not have a summer vacation. Or a spring break."

"I do not understand."

"Healer T'Jan says I might be able to go home for break. I think she recognizes that time with you would be beneficial. But this isn't the kind of thing that is over after a couple of weeks of therapy. She says it could be months before I'm stable enough to return to classes. I'm probably going to have to arrange to finish the semester via correspondence, as much as I'm able, and then make up some of the in-person classes over the summer if I want to graduate on schedule."

"Perhaps, dearest, you should consider revising your schedule, and not putting so much pressure on yourself."

"Graduating on time isn't 'so much pressure.'"

"Is it not? You are not on a specific timeline. You have already expressed concern over choosing to attend a residential university and not focus on your career. Whether you graduate in four years or five, you have nothing to prove to me, and we have long agreed that you would not be typical student even if we were not engaged."

"I… I guess we both have a lot to think about. And discuss."

"Evidently."

I chuckled softly. "I know we should be winding down this call. I have to get to bed soon. T'Jan says I don't get enough sleep, and that I have to be better about it -

"- I have often reminded you of the same - "

" – but I'm not ready to let you go yet. I'm kind of… I want you to understand that whatever you decide you want in your career, I'll support it, support you. I haven't always been Starfleet's biggest fan, but I'm Team Data, first, foremost, and forever. Besides, I'd be the coolest captain's wife in 'fleet history. And the most stylish."

Data knew I was injecting levity on purpose, but he still answered, "Very well. I will tell Captain Jellico that I am interested in the position."

"I'll talk to Bright-Star about my options… I don't want to drop out, but… maybe a real break would be good for me."

"I believe that Healer T'Jan is giving you good advice, dearest. Please trust her, as you trust me."

"I'll try."

"That is all I can ask. I am afraid I must end this call now. We will speak next week, if not sooner."

"Alright. Cuddle Spot for me and give my regards to Geordi and Deanna. I love you."

"I love you also." As had long been our pattern, we both raised our hands to 'meet' on our screens. "Goodnight, Zoe."

(=A=)

Stardate 47190.272
Wednesday, 11 March 2370, 10:47 AM local time
Davenport Beach, California, Earth

Salt air licked my skin and cool, damp, sand coated my feet. It was chilly, and I wasn't dressed for the beach, but I didn't care. I was kneeling in a self-created hollow just above the waterline, happy as one of the clams whose air bubbles I could see making holes in the ground around me.

My companion was likely far less comfortable. Chilly for me was likely freezing her Vulcan blood. Nevertheless, her expression was one of alert serenity.

"You are distracted, Zoe," she said. "Focus. Build another block. See the same block in your mind."

I shook my head and redirected my attention to the task at hand. I had a brick mold, a plastic spade, and a bucket. My goal was to build a sandcastle, not by scooping together lumps of sand, but block by block. It was meant to be an object lesson in forming mental shields. The abstract method hadn't worked very well.

Stardate 47185.49
(Monday, 9 March 2370, 16:55 hours, local time)
Starfleet Med-Health Building, Psychiatric Wing, San Francisco

"Alright, Zoe, that's enough for today." Healer T'Jan's voice, gentle and calm but also firm brought me out of myself and back to the real world.

"It's not working, is it?"

"Not as well as I had hoped, no. Did you dial back your Perceptex dose on Sunday, as I requested?"

"Decreased by twenty-five percent," I said. "I'm not hearing stuff in my head… I mean, not random stuff… but…"

"But you are still unable to form a mental wall. You are, however, succeeding at calming your mind. I believe you will get there, but I think we need to try alternative methods."

"You mean like hypnosis?"

"That is one option. A mind-meld with me so that I may show you how a mental wall looks and feels in another, but I would prefer not to do that while you are on blocking medication. It could cause irreparable harm."

I nodded. "I don't think either of us wants that."

"No, we do not," she agreed, injecting a touch of humor into her tone. "Instead of coming here tomorrow, stay home and try to practice seeing a wall in your mind in the morning. Take a nap afterward, then go to your friend's studio for your yoga class and massage. Bring the dampener with you."

"I have been, every time," I assured her. "I've only had to use once though."

"I am gratified to hear that," she said.

"Are you giving me the day off for you or for me?"

"Both," she said. "You are frustrated today, and I know you are perceiving that as a lack of progress, but we have done good work these past two weeks. A 'day off' from formal therapy may be just the re-set you require."

"And you? Do you also need a re-set?"

"In a manner of speaking. I wish to consider alternate methods to help you control I had hoped that since you have indigenous Centauran blood, Vulcan techniques would be sufficient."

"But they're not." It wasn't a question.

"You have excelled at the breathing and basic meditation practices…"

"… but not at shielding."

"I am sorry to put it so bluntly."

"Bluntness isn't always unkind," I pointed out. "And honestly, I prefer your bluntness to someone soft-pedaling my situation. It's refreshing."

"I am glad you find it so."

I'd done as T'Jan had asked and stayed home on Tuesday. I slept late, took a bath, and tried to imagine a mental wall as vividly as I could, but I kept getting distracted. What kind of wall was I supposed to be seeing? Brick? Stucco? Wood? Maybe the bulkhead of a sailing ship? Or a starship?

Nothing seemed to work.

When I walked into her office the next day, she sensed my frustration. "You are broadcasting," she informed me. "And you are agitated. Talk to me."

That was the good thing about her. She was a regular therapist and an expert in telepathic breakthrough and roughly half my time with her was spent processing the trauma I'd experienced over the year since I'd fired Deanna as my counselor.

"I told Data I wasn't sure if I'd be home for break," I said. "And I admitted out loud that I might not be going back to school this semester. And… I mean, that was Saturday night, but it's been swirling in my head ever since. And then there's this whole wall-thing. I don't know anything about walls. I don't know what to visualize. Brick, like the pub where we hang out in New Haven? Smooth like the bulkheads on the ship?"

"Where are you most relaxed?" T'Jan asked.

"In the water," I answered without having to think about it. "The ocean, most, but swimming pools and bathtubs are good." I smiled faintly. "Data had a bathtub installed in our quarters for my birthday last year."

"One of the perks of being an officer's partner," T'Jan observed, humor coloring her statement.

"Yeah."

"Get your coat," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"We're going on a field trip."

"A… field trip?"

"Mm. Yes. You've told me more than once that you're a hands-on type of person, and you've admitted you're struggling with visualizing a wall. So, we're going to the beach, and you're going to build one."

I'd expected her to take me somewhere in the city – Ocean Beach, maybe – but instead we went south until we'd almost reached Santa Cruz and set her flitter down on the edge of a field of artichokes.

"I thought we were going to the beach," I said.

"We are. Follow that footpath…" She led me across the field and down an ancient wooden staircase built into the side of the cliff, handed me the tools I was using, and spread a blanket on the sand up the beach from me. "Alright, Zoe. Most sand-castles are built by scooping sand together, but today, I want you to build a wall – a castle wall – brick by brick."

I don't know how long I was at my task, but I could feel the angle of the sun changing and the spring air growing slightly warmer. At some point, T'Jan had stopped telling me to focus. At some point after that, I'd fallen into a rhythm and started forming blocks without having to think about it.

"Stop."

I looked up from my task and realized I'd created a ring of bricks around the spot where I'd been kneeling, about four bricks high. As walls went, it was pretty pitiful, but I was surprised I'd build so much.

The healer rose from her blanket and came to stand over me. "Inside the wall," she said, is your safe space. You can fill it with water or let it remain a quiet empty place, but it is yours. Your creation. Your protection. Outside the wall, is everything else, everyone else. Nothing gets in or out unless you allow it. Do you comprehend?"

I could feel a sort of mental nudge but instead of welcoming it, I visualized the wall of sand I'd built, only taller, thicker, and fixed in place, and the feeling went away.

"Excellent."

"What now?" I asked.

"First, we eat. Then, you go home and practice."

"I didn't see a picnic basket in the flitter… did I miss something?"

"There's a place up the road that makes a green chile soup that I have become fond of. I've learned that it's best enjoyed after a chilly morning at the beach. They have other dishes, of course, if that isn't to your liking, but I suspect you will appreciate the combination of cream and spice."

"I'm usually more into clam chowder," I shared. "But I'll try almost anything once, and I'm intrigued."

"As I hoped you would be. Lunch is my treat, Zoe. You have earned it."

(=A=)

Stardate 47212.48
(Thursday, 19 March 2370, 1:23 PM local time)
Starfleet Med-Health Building, Psychiatric Wing, San Francisco

"Bright-Star, it's good to see you," I greeted my dean with a hug, and she wrapped her hand around my left wrist.

"It's good to see you too, my kitten. You're looking considerably more yourself than when you left campus."

"I'm really sorry to cause so much troub – " I began, but she shushed me.

"Nonsense. Young people always have unexpected incidents, and for all your time as a working actor, and the support of your Data, you're still young, Zoe. You're not quite a full-grown cat yet."

I had to laugh. "No, I guess I'm a lot less grown up than I thought I was. I mean… in some ways. But Healer T'Jan has helped a lot. She went to arrange tea for everyone, and to meet my mother and stepfather. I hope you don't mind waiting?"

"Not a bit," the warm Eeoauian purred. "You should know that your suitemates have all sent their love, and they helped the SOAR representatives pack your belongings. You'll still have friends when you're able to rejoin us. Do you know when that will be?"

"That's why my healer called everyone here," I said. "She felt it was easier to discuss everything together, and in person."

"Technology is lovely," the older woman agreed. "But nothing replaces a face-to-face conversation."

T'Jan returned to her office then, with my parents and a Starfleet corpsman in tow, the latter guiding an anti-grav cart laden with tea paraphernalia as well as trays of fruit, cheese, crackers, and cookies.

"Professor Bright-Star, it's gratifying to meet you in person. Welcome," the Vulcan greeted. "I don't know if you've met Zoe's mother, Commander Benoit – "

"- Emily, please – "

" – and her stepfather Professor Benoit?"

"It's Edward," he corrected. "Or Ed."

"And I'm just Bright-Star; there's no need for titles here."

"Very well then. Please help yourselves to tea and snack, we're just waiting for the comm-link from the Enterprise."

"Why the Enterprise?" Ed asked, but I could tell Bright-Star was curious, as well.

"Because," I explained, "I'm not my parents' dependent, and Data is my legal next-of-kin. As my fiancé, he needs to be included in this conference."

"I've also asked Counselor Troi to join us," T'Jan added.

The wall opposite her desk flickered into life, becoming a viewscreen. A local Starfleet communications officer appeared. "Healer T'Jan, I have Commanders Data and Troi on subspace for you. May I patch them through?"

"Please do." It took a couple of seconds and then Data and Deanna's faces took over the screen. They were in her office, I noticed. "Commander Data, Commander Troi, it is agreeable to finally meet you."

"I feel the same," Deanna responded.

Data offered a polite, "Greetings," then directed his next comment to me. "Dearest. I am happy to see you."

"Me too, you," I said, smiling. "Both of you, truly."

There was a flurry of other greetings and then T'Jan called us all to order. "As you all know, Yale's spring break begins on Monday. For the last month, Zoe has been working through post-traumatic stress disorder exacerbated by latent telepathic breakthrough. For the first two and a half weeks we met daily, and worked throughout the day, with frequent rest breaks. Since the eleventh of March, we have been meeting every other day, and doing daily comm-calls."

She paused in case anyone had questions. "Zoe's primary questions during this time have been whether or not she could return to her home with you, Commander Data, at least for the duration of her school vacation, and whether or not she could return to school this semester at all."

Again, she took a beat before continuing. "Zoe has made excellent progress. I believe her PTSD can now be addressed with traditional psychotherapy."

"Zoe, that's wonderful news!" Deanna's voice was full of joy.

"It is," I agreed. "Please don't think we're downplaying everything you've done for me."

"I would never think that," she said. But she addressed T'Jan next. "Healer, I sense that there is more."

"There is," T'Jan said. "While Zoe has made good progress in learning to form mental shields, she has not yet been tested in an uncontrolled environment. I provided her with a telepathic dampener when we began working together."

"Which I haven't used," I put in, though I admitted, "but there were a couple of times when it was tempting."

"We have not yet begun the process of weaning her off the Perceptex. I would prefer to oversee that, but I also believe, as I suspect you do, Commander Data, that keeping the two of you separate will ultimately cause more harm than good."

"What are you suggesting, Healer?" Data asked.

"I'd like to send Zoe back to the Enterprise, and as I'm due for an extra-planetary rotation, I'm formally requesting a temporary assignment on your ship in order to continue working with her. Perhaps, if Commander Troi is amenable, I can also work with the onboard counselling staff to update their PTSD protocols. We've been changing the literature and practices since the Borg Incursion and Battle of Wolf 359."

Data and Deanna muted their connection for a brief conversation. When they re-engaged the audio feed, the counselor spoke first.

"Healer T'Jan, your expertise and insights would be welcome."

"I concur," Data added. "And will be glad to arrange quarters for you and transport for you both."

"Thank you," T'Jan said. "As to Zoe's eventual return to Yale, I still believe it would be in her best interest if she took a leave of absence for the rest of the semester. We can revisit the possibility of a summer semester in residence in a few weeks. Bright-Star, I invited you here to discuss options."

Bright-Star addressed me and not the healer. "Zoe, we've only known each other a short time, but I know you are ambitious. There is no need. I would much rather see you take the time you need to truly be well and return to us in full force. You might be better served by spending the summer simply relaxing or returning to the theater. Rest assured, you will remain in Davenport College, and at Yale, and we can be flexible about your return."

"Data reminded me the other night on our call that the only person with a strict timeline is me," I observed.

"And he was wise to do so," Bright-Star said.

"Thank you," Data said on the screen.

"Very well, then," T'Jan said, "I'd like to hear from the Benoits now, to ensure we are all on the same page." She looked to my mother, "You are no longer Zoe's legal guardian, but as a Vulcan, I was raised to believe that all children are precious, and as a mother myself, I understand that the need to protect your child never ends. Do you believe returning to the Enterprise is the wisest choice?"

My mother and Ed had been conferring in quiet whispers during the entire proceeding. When T'Jan brought them into the active part of the conversation, I felt my head getting a bit tight. "Excuse me," I said. "Could I have a minute to go splash water on my face." Asking for a time-out when I needed to reset was something that was new to me. Before, I'd have pressed through.

T'Jan looked at me, and I could sense Deanna assessing me as well, as much as she could from light years away. "Why don't we all take five minutes to stretch. Commanders, I will have Zoe contact Data later this evening, rather than keeping you from your duties, if that's acceptable."

"I will look forward to her call," Data said. "Dearest, I hope to see you soon."

"Me too," I said. "Love you."

"I am devoted to you," he answered. "Enterprise out."

I left the office and walked down the hall to the bathroom. The telepathic dampener was in my bag – T'Jan had suggested that it would be wise to have it on hand – but I hadn't used it in the room. In the bathroom, however, I went to the stall closest to the window, and activated it.

Instantly, the feeling in my head receded.

Sitting on the closed lid of the toilet I took a few deep, cleansing breaths, then ran through one of the calming exercises I'd learned from T'Jan and practiced with Tara at her yoga studio. After a few cycles of that, I turned down the settings on the dampener and waited. No pressure. Good. I turned it down a bit more and cast out with all my senses. That was something I'd only begun learning, and it was only to make sure I was safely alone.

Feeling more balanced, I left the stall and went to the sink. I let cool water trickle over the pulse points on my wrists, and then splashed some on my face and blotted it away with a paper towel. I turned the dampener all the way off, put it back in my bag, and returned to the healer's office.

"Are you feeling better, kiddo?" Mom was the first to ask.

"Yes, thank you. I'm sorry it was all… controlling mental shields is really tiring for me, still, and I felt like I was losing it." I turned to T'Jan. "I used the dampener in the restroom… it's off now… but… it helped. And then some of the calming exercises. I'm sorry."

"Do not be. You used the tools you have been given in an appropriate manner."

I nodded. "Okay."

T'Jan continued, "Before we took a break, I was asking your mother and stepfather if they were comfortable with you returning to space. I know that your autonomy is important to you, but I feel they should offer any concerns."

Mom looked at Ed and reached for his hand. "Zoe, it's been lovely having you here this last month, even though you've been struggling. I don't want to make your struggle worse, but we all know this isn't truly home to you, and since T'Jan will be ensuring that you have continuity of care, I'm happy to see you return to the Enterprise."

"We know," Ed added, "that when you're ready to return to school, we'll get to see you more often. Just stay in contact with us. And make sure you keep your father and Gia in the loop."

"I will," I said. "I have been."

"Good," T'Jan said. "Zoe, I'll look forward to seeing you tomorrow. We'll put some practices in place for our journey."

"Okay," I answered. "Thank you."

Bright-Star came back to the house with Mom, Ed and me, and stayed for dinner. We had cioppino, a kind of fish stew that had originated in San Francisco, and fresh sourdough bread, and the conversation was easy.

Before she left, the dean took me aside and coiled her tail around my wrist again. "You will master the control you need to have, Zoe. I know this," she told me. "Wire-Whiskers and I are both keeping you in our thoughts and I know your friends are, as well. Yale will still be here, when you are ready, catling."

"Thank you," I said. We didn't embrace again – hugging was something feline races usually did as part of a fight, and the afternoon's greeting had been an exception. "I will be back."

After she left, I excused myself to take a back and then make my call to Data. The former was exactly what I needed in order to really relax, and I found myself drifting off a little as I soaked.

The call with Data was fairly brief. I assured him that I was well, just tired, and that taking a break had helped. He told me he'd arranged for T'Jan and I to take a private shuttle to Starbase Twelve, leaving Saturday evening, and arriving on Monday morning, when the Enterprise would meet us.

"If you are uncomfortable about being on that particular starbase," Data told me, "it may ease your mind to know that security has been greatly improved since you last spent time there."

"It's a Federation travel hub, Data. It was inevitable that I'd be there eventually. I'll be fine."

We ended our call with affectionate words, as we always did, and I turned to look out the window of my room, watching the lights of the city shimmer as a soft rain fell. Saturday morning would be the spring equinox in Earth's northern hemisphere, and it felt appropriate that I would be leaving winter behind when I headed back home.

Notes: C'thia or Cthia is the Vulcan practice of mastering emotions, though the term is technically beta-canon. This episode references the episodes Interface and Gambit, Parts I & II. Somak was a member of the Idyllwild Troupe during Zoe's time with them in my novella Unaccompanied. Tara is his wife, who became one of Zoe's friends. I chose not to write the details of their vacation on Centaurus before Zoe returned to school, but for glimpses of it please see my stories "Amazing," and "Muse." The Davenport Cash Store has the most amazing green chili soup on the planet (or used to). Also, they make guacamole at your table. Cioppino is an Italian-American seafood stew invented in San Francisco. I have no idea if March 21 is the actual equinox in 2370, but I figure it's close enough for fanfic. Credit goes to JavaNyet for naming Perspectex. And apologies to everyone for the delay in this chapter. 2020 has been a struggle.