Hey guys, sorry that it's been so long and there has been no updates recently. It's now been over two years since I posted the last chapter, and I really do miss this story. I've been writing a bit more recently, and I am truly hoping I might be able to return to this story properly sooner rather than later.

I've decided to share with you guys some of the reasons it has taken me this long to say anything, and with that I'll need to provide some trigger warnings for mentions of transphobia, mental health problems and substance abuse issues.

It turns out that my recovery has been a far longer and more slippery slope than I originally anticipated, and it's been a very trying couple of years. In that time, I've come to properly understand and accept what happened to me, and I can truthfully say I have definitely gotten a lot better, even if I'm not in a place I was hoping to be in by this point.

My breakdown back in 2020 stemmed from several reasons, one of which being a significant amount of online, anonymous threats I was subjected to due to my being vocal about being openly trans online. That, along with a few other factors in my life offline like substance abuse issues I was facing at the time, all led to the breakdown. While I've been able to take responsibility for the self-destructive path I was going down, it took me a very long time to figure out that I didn't deserve the awful threats I was receiving, and at times it is still hard for me to accept that I wasn't somehow to blame for the cruelty. Even now, I've been hesitant to bring this up, but I also believe finding the courage to be honest about all this is a step in the right direction. While I am still terrified that the same thing might happen again with this confession, I have a good support network and where I have been able to, I've taken steps to ensure I can no longer receive anonymous comments on various media platforms, or at the very least, I am able to moderate them.

I haven't been present much online over the last year, as I decided in early 2021 that it would be a good idea to leave Tumblr for a while. I've come back occasionally here and there to update my followers on what's going on, but I haven't been this honest about everything yet. Following the breakdown, I found myself unable to write or draw anymore, the latter of which I did on a regular basis beforehand. It got to the point where I became afraid to create anything and even more scared of sharing any of my works online. Recently I've started drawing again, and it is hardly as frequent as it once was, but it is something. I've also returned to writing a little, although this too is still not something I'm doing very often, although I've been trying a bit more recently, which I'm thankful for.

I managed to fall into a pattern over the last summer of going on evening walks every day and even sometimes bringing my laptop with me to try to write, and this helped my mental health tremendously. I started walking a fair amount at uni too, and have picked up with my old routine right where I left off when I came back home recently. I also took up journaling a few months back, which has also helped a great deal. It has been a surprising yet very welcome revelation I've had through my journal to be able to see that I am truly doing a lot better than I was a year ago. If you had told me a year ago that going on regular walks and and keeping a journal would have helped this much, I probably would have scoffed at you because that's where my mind was at. But it really has saved me in ways I can't even describe. I never thought it would, but it genuinely did.

I partially regret how long I've been away from all my online platforms, including my Discord servers, which I do feel quite guilty about, but I know I needed to put some space between myself and social media, and I believe it has helped a bit in the long run.

Another, far less severe reason for this was I've kind of fallen out of the fandom- not just because I haven't interacted with or participated in it for so long, but because I've lost a lot of interest in Hetalia. This has happened before with other media I've enjoyed over the years, and I've found the stuff I've loved never goes away completely and often comes back eventually, so I'm not too worried about this development. I've actually begun writing a new story over the last couple of months for a fandom I've recently gotten back into, and while I'm still terrified to post any stories, I am hoping I'll find the courage to do so. I'm also hoping that once I get it out of the way and essentially jump into the deep end, it'll make the rest of my eventual return to posting fanfiction and interacting with others online a lot easier.

I want to stress that I have no plans of abandoning this story as it holds a special place in my heart. I've said before that I originally used Ash Song to subconsciously process some past trauma, and while I became aware of this years ago now, that fact hasn't changed. I think I might be able to use it to help me through the issues I'm dealing with now, and I really hope that I'll be able to carry on writing it more and more, even if I'm not quite ready to share it just yet.

Sorry for how long all of this was and for the sensitive content. I hope all of you are doing well and staying safe out there, and I would just like to ask that anyone commenting please be respectful. Typing this out was quite nerve-wracking, and I was originally meant to post it back in April, but I got too scared and decided to delay it. I'm hoping that this will ultimately prove to be a good thing for me.

Love you guys, hope to see you again soon.