Rose
February...
"I want to get to know you, Rose."
He wanted to get to know me.
To know me.
Any way I spun it in my head, it just didn't make sense to me. I know normal people don't react this way, right? I mean, two people getting to know each other, that's what dating is, isn't it? And that's what we were doing right now, right? Seeing each other, dating...getting to know each other. I could do that. Dimitri said we could just stick to the basics, the simple stuff, which was a relief because I don't think I'd ever be able to share more than my ice cream preferences.
I didn't know what to say at first. Past experiences have led me to believe that I'm not the type of girl that guys sincerely wanted to get to know beyond how easy it'd be to get into my pants. I wasn't wined and dined because they were oh so interested in who I was, what I was like, and where I came from. I was only ever kept around for a good time. The worst part is that I let them treat me this way. Hell, I went looking for those type of guys because it was easier that way. It was everything the women in my life - Janine, Celeste, Aunt Rhea when she finally decided to take me in - taught me in order to survive and I put their lessons to use growing up.
These women were my only role models but none of them set good examples of what a healthy relationship should be, which is why I was so scared I'd somehow screw everything up with Dimitri by doing something as simple as opening up to him, or something as insane as spontaneously showing up at his house with groceries and lit cigarette in my hands, maybe even scaring him off. He was honest when he told me it was a little crazy but that didn't make him want anything less to do with me. He understood in a way and we've been doing well ever since, which is more than I can say for any of Celeste's or my mother's relationships. Even Aunt Rhea's marriage was rocky and didn't end on a happy high note.
I didn't want to end up like them. I used to not care. Relationships broke all the time, crumpled until there was nothing left but bitter dust. I wanted to be careful this time around, cautious to the point where my self confidence was suddenly becoming an issue after a lifetime of outspokenness. It was just so unfathomable when Dimitri said he wanted me to talk and get to now me and I knew he wasn't bullshitting.
Over a week had passed and I still couldn't get over it, couldn't stop thinking about it. He wanted to know me but also, more importantly, he wanted me as a person, something he insisted on reminding me if he found me a little too tight lipped about sharing my day whenever we found time to have dinner around our work schedules.
I was getting better about it. It helped that we were able to see each other more frequently this past week and a half. His hours at the hospital were still crazy as he acclimated back into work life but he found time to call me on his breaks or sometimes I'd text with an offer to bring down some left over food from one of the catering gigs to the hospital. We'd eat quick meals of mini sliders, pate, and egg rolls in his office, joking around about the perfect official first date since he didn't count the night we cooked dinner as a proper date for two people who were out of practice in the dating world.
"I'll consider it an accomplishment if we actually make it outside of my house," he chuckled we cleared his desk of the remnants from our meal. Dimitri had just been paged that he was needed in a seminar taking place for new hospital staff.
"We had dinner at Denny's," I reminded him.
"Doesn't count. It was unplanned and it ended with car sex." Only man in the world that was apparently bothered that I sexed him up the first two times that we met. "Amazing car sex but still...that's not the way you should be treated on a first date. Or ever," he explained almost remorsefully.
"You didn't mistreat me, Dimitri. If anything, I think I seduced you."
"True, you did take advantage of my weakness for beautifully alluring women who confess that they have a crush on me," he teased and for the hundredth time since I'd met him, I actually blushed. I could feel it, the blood rushing to my face, redness painting my cheeks. I didn't think I was capable but with comments like that I couldn't help it.
"But I still want to do this right," he continued. "You don't deserve anything less than perfect." He said it so nonchalantly and without even looking at me that I wondered how I had ever gone a day without hearing someone flatter me in such a way.
I had to clear my throat from any emotion before I spoke. "Okay then," I agreed after a moment. "What do you consider perfect? Describe our first date and please don't use the words 'Valentine's Day'."
"Valentine's Day would be perfect, though. I could go all out," he joking argued.
"Was I mistaken in thinking you were too cool to ever be so cheesy?"
He laughed, throwing his head back."Okay fine, no Valentine's cheesiness. I have a couple of ideas but I think it's going to be a surprise. All you need to know is the date to clear your schedule because what I have planned is going to take place from sunrise to sunset."
"That's a long date," I laughed as I stood to gather my things.
"We'll spend the whole day together." He finished adjusting his tie and pulled on his white lab coat. Damn, the man looked good in everything. It helped that the coat didn't do much to hinder the sight of his broad shoulders. Trying to keep myself to jumping on him right then in the middle of his office looking like a GQ model that just so happened to work in a hospital, I stepped back to admire the view, contemplating snapping a picture. He shot me a wolfish grin when he caught me checking him out. Sitting on the edge of his desk, he reached for my waist, pulling me flush against him to give me a long lingering kiss.
"And at night, after sunset..." He trailed off, feeding my imagination with all the promises to come as his hands found their way to the back of my legs. Feather light, the tips of his fingers slowly trailed up and under my black catering skirt, gifting me with a subtle squeeze.
"What happens next?" I asked quietly against his lips before his mouth recaptured my own.
Those long, deft fingers of his slipped slowly down, brushing his fingers between the crease where my underwear met my skin. I jumped involuntarily as I felt the smooth tips of his hand stroking along the apex of my legs, a hairsbreadth away from where I wanted him most. If either of us moved in the slightest, he'd be inside me. Instead, his fingers hovered there, teasing my heated skin without breaking the barrier my underwear provided between us. I clenched my legs together, locking his hand in place. He was working me into a frenzy, occupying my top half with his kiss and my bottom half with his skillful hands until I was practically vibrating in his hold, daring him to raise his fingers at little higher.
I felt him smiling against my mouth. And just when I thought he'd do it, he pulled back, our lips separating with a soft smack as he stood up and gently moved me back.
"So as far as our perfect date goes, does that sound good?"
It sounded perfect and, after scowling at him for riling me up before he had to leave, I told him as much. He promised he'd make it up to me and live up to everything he promised on our date but until then, nothing. He said it'd be more fun this way and give us something to look forward to. I disagreed but he was holding strong. It helped that I hadn't been to his place for dinner in the nights following that conversation and from that moment on we ate in the hospital cafeteria or outside on one of the benches. I was almost aching for him and, if the last kiss he gave me with the accompanying hardness pressing into my stomach was anything to go by, I'd say he was feeling my pain. A part of me liked this, though. It confirmed everything I wanted to believe he was telling me, that this thing between us was more than that first night we spent together. It wasn't about sex and losing ourselves in each other's bodies. It was more than that for both of us.
That meant something to me. That feeling, that optimistic sensation of enveloping warmth, coursed through my veins that night that we cooked dinner together and it hasn't left my body since.
I stayed lost in thought as I wiped down the kitchen counter, only looking up to check my phone when it vibrated. I couldn't help the stupid smile on my face when Dimitri's name flashed across the screen.
Saturday?
I was quick to text back, knowing that he was asking if Saturday would be okay for our date.
Which just so happens to be Valentine's Day? I countered.
His response was immediate. It's the only full day I'll have off for a while unless you want to wait... he replied, his message followed by a flirtatious emoticon with a smirking face.
Saturday is perfect then I shot back. There was no way I was waiting. My body was hot and bothered ever since that day in his office. Sure, we've kissed and made out a little since then but it wasn't enough. I needed more and, if I was reading his body right, he did too.
After I received one final emoji with a triumphant smile, I tucked my phone away, shaking my head, knowing he undoubtedly proud of himself.
I haven't liked someone like this in a long time. If ever. I don't know. I can't really explain it. I just know I like Dimitri and this is confusing and terrifying but also a little thrilling. I'm excited when I look at the screen of my phone and see texts or missed calls from him. I spend whatever free time I have thinking about him, replaying some of our time together in my head. I like him. I really like him. And it scares me because my mom used to say the same thing about the man she claimed to be the love of her life before he turned on her.
"I like him, Rosie. I really like him."
She started out by saying he was nice, then it was that she liked him, then it was that she really liked him. The problem only worsened from there until "like" morphed into obsession. He became her everything and nothing else mattered.
Not even me.
Anything she considered a problem or issue no longer existed or could be solved as long as he was around.
Was that what I was doing? Was Dimitri just a temporary salve over all my open wounds?
It sure as hell feels like it.
I feel better when he's around, less like myself which sounds bad but it was a good thing. Me, Rose Marie, alone as an adult human being was never a good thing. I did things, bad things, that would probably mess me up for the rest of my life but new Rose, the Rose I was when I was with Dimitri was something else, someone better. It crossed my mind that maybe that was because I was replacing one vice for another. I hadn't bought any smokes in weeks, wine was the only alcohol I touched, and I was even sleeping a bit but at the cost of spending my every waking minute thinking about a guy I'd met a little over a month ago. I considered the idea that maybe this wasn't a bad thing. Maybe there was a small chance this was just something good in my life. I didn't know how to deal because I couldn't remember the last time I'd had something good in my life, something as simple as a silly first date, making me smile like an idiot.
I worked silently, trying to picture what our "official" first date might be like, so spaced out that I don't even notice Mia until she's calling my name.
"Hellooooo. Earth to Roooooose," she sang as she waved a hand in front of my face.
I blinked, focusing back on reality as she looked at me worriedly, waiting for me to respond.
"Hey, what are you doing home so early?"
She set a couple of grocery bags down on the counter and sat down.
"It was slow today at the bar so I left a little early. What about you? It seems like you're never here any more, especially during the day. Why are you home?"
"One of the girls I temp with asked to switch shifts and it's my night off at the diner." I poked my head into the bags she was unloading. "What is all this?"
"All of the necessary tools for a a mandatory girls night: tequila for you and me, wine for Liss, facial masks from Sephora, ice cream, and a box of tissues for Liss," she listed, both of laughing since Liss tends to cry when she gets drunk.
"And what prompted this mandatory girls night?" I asked, helping her put some of the stuff away.
"I can't seem to catch you or Liss at home anymore, both of you guys hardly text me back and I have not been feeling the love on Insta or snap," she pouted, a little put out.
"Yeah, sorry about that," I apologized. It really had felt so long since I'd sat down and talked with Mia or Liss. "My hours have been crazy."
"That's it?" Mia pressed. "Just work? You come home so late some times."
"Yup," I answered vaguely. Those baby blues of hers surveyed me waiting for me to elaborate. I don't know what it was but I couldn't bring myself to tell her I was still seeing Dimitri. Not when I wasn't even sure what was happening between us either. I liked having something of my own and keeping it to myself. So, instead of filling her in on my social life, I told her about the shifts I'd been picking up.
She whistled, her dark brows creased with concern. "That's kind of a lot, Ro. Money can't be that tight?" Mia asked, uncertainly. While she gave me money every month for her portion of the utilities and rent, she never actually saw any of the bills and the large owed amounts on them. Not to mention Lissa's tuition.
"Bills, I had to pay to get my car fixed a few weeks ago, and Liss's spring semester tuition was due."
"Speaking of Lissa, have you talked to her lately?"
"To do that, we'd have to be in the same room," I admitted.
"Not gonna lie, I was a little worried when I came back from Arizona and the house was empty. I thought you had killed each other."
"We've kind of been going out of our way to avoid each other these last few weeks. She's been staying at Chris'."
Mia arched one of her thick brows. "She's still mad at you about the New Years Eve thing?"
"No it's not just about New Years. You heard what she said that night you left for your trip," I reminded her as I opened a bag of chips, both of us munching on them. "I'm basically this burden she feels obligated to take care of."
Mia lips pursed as she gave me a sympathetic look. "She just worries because of...well you know...how you were..." she trails off. Yeah I know. I was a handful as a teenager. I was the only immediate family Lissa had in the world and I pretty much abandoned her every chance I could. "But that doesn't mean she should keep holding the past against you," she continued. "Don't think I haven't noticed, Ro. You've been differently lately. Good different."
"I'm trying," was all I could bring myself to say. I hadn't told any one that I was still seeing the guy that was supposed to be my one night stand. I didn't want anyone's opinion on it when I wasn't even sure how I was coping with this sudden change in my life. I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up either. It was going well between us so far but who's to say I won't screw it up the way I normally do. Maybe Dimitri will realize what a mess I am and that I'm just not worth it or maybe he'll be the one to screw it up. He says he's a bit of a mess himself. Maybe he'll be the catalyst for our eventually breakup. Either way I just want to do what we talked about and take this day by day, one step at a time.
I like him. He seems to like me for some insane reason. No one really needs to know right now. I'll just leave it at that. Liss and I not talking was less about my failure to call and come home on New Year's Eve and more about years of pent up resentment and anger. There was more to it than my history of being irresponsible and disappointing her. We had enough baggage between us to last two lifetimes.
"I know that and, on some level, Lissa knows it too. I think she's just a little stressed. I was talking to her the other day and she was telling me about her classes and all the work she's been putting in with her internship and she's just freaking out a little."
I couldn't relate at all. I don't think I've ever been stressed. My life was a simple one: wake up, make it to work on time, come home, and repeat the next day. No stress. Meanwhile, Liss is working towards something, a future that may or may not include me depending on how much I pushed her away by stressing her out. I didn't want that. She's my cousin and I love her but I just couldn't shake some of the things she's said.
"I can't spend my life worrying about you twenty-four seven when I should be living a life of my own."
She had a point though. And it's not like she was angry the last time we talked. Mostly just her usual mixture of frustrated and disappointed. I suspected this was Liss deciding maybe it was time to cut ties with the last bit of the broken family she came from and I didn't blame her one bit.
"My fault, I know."
Mia's curls bounced as she shook her head. "No, it's not your fault. It's both of you guys. You two just need to talk it out. So here's the plan-"
"There's a plan?" I ask dryly.
"There's always a plan," Mia insisted.
"Oh yeah?" I proposed incredulously. "What about that time we went to that rave in Regina? Or the zoo incident? Or Masen's stolen yatch party?"
"There is sometimes a plan!" She amended with a dramatic roll of her eyes. "And the penguin incident at the zoo, by the way, not my fault."
"Tell that to the kids you traumatized," I mumbled. She opted to ignore me before she continued.
"Anywaaaaay, we're going to work this out. It's a new year, fresh start. I've sat on the sidelines long enough watching you two not deal with any of this shit. I tried to tell myself it's just the Dragomir/Hathaway way and that things would get better on their own but you know what? Things are more screwed up than ever so we're gonna sit down and deal with this. Which is the reason I'm calling a mandatory girl's night only meeting," she proclaimed. "Do you work at the diner tonight?"
"No I'll be here," I reminded her. Other than making a few calls to ensure I had Saturday off for my date with Dimitri, I was free for the entire day by some miracle.
"Great, that'll give me time to go get the karaoke machine back from Eddie. Now we just have to make sure Lissa's coming home tonight." She pulled out her phone, pecking at the screen like a mad woman. She hit the speaker button just in time for Lissa to answer on the other end.
"Mia?"
"I'm here with Roses and we are planning a Mandatory roommate girls night."
"We?" I mouthed. She waved me away.
"Tonight at the house. Pajamas, liquor, homemade pizza...I even bought you your wine and customary tissue box because you know you get emotional after a few glasses."
There was a pause on the other end as Lissa, undoubtedly, tried to figure out where all of this was coming from.
"We haven't hung out in a while and I think we need to talk about some things which is why I thought we could catch up and have a girls night," Mia explained.
"Okay...umm, yeah."
Mia shook her head. "No. No 'umm, yeah okays'. I want promises that you will be home tonight, Miss Liss! Mandatory!" she emphasized, slamming her hand down on the counter. "You are a college educated. I know you know what 'mandatory' means."
"What happens if we don't show up?" I dared to ask, teasing her seriousness.
"Expulsion from the house!"
"Mia," Liss and I both laughed at her theatrics.
"Alright, alright, then you forfeit your place in all future girls' nights."
"Is that a threat or a promise?" Lissa asked amused.
"Har har. Look just come home tonight. Both of you."
"But-"
"No, no buts. Just make sure your beautiful butt is there. Kapeesh?"
"Kapeesh," we both agreed. Mia gave herself a triumph fist pump and a head nod.
"This is probably a good idea because I want to talk to you guys about something anyway," Lissa said hesitantly.
"About what?"
"Just...it's...we'll talk about it tonight."
Mia's curious expression mirrored my own as she ended the call.
"Well, that didn't sound good."
"What do you suppose she wanted to talk about?"
She shrugged. "Maybe Chris proposed? Or she's pregnant?"
I shot her an incredulous look. "No way. Liss has an ironclad life plan. She'd never let Chris propose before she graduated and I know for a fact that she still makes him use condoms along with her birth control."
"Still, there's a chance..."
I sighed, knowing I was going to spend the rest of the day wondering what big change was about to come. Because that's what this felt like. A big change was coming. It certainly had to be big if it warranted a talk in person.
Mia didn't leave me any more room to speculate as she reached out to squeeze my hand. "We'll all talk tonight. Try not to worry, okay?"
I nodded in agreement, both of us knowing I'd do nothing but worry for the rest of the day.
With a full day free, I straightened up the house a bit but, as Mia pointed out, since none of us were ever really home anymore there wasn't much to clean other than my own room.
I sorted through my clothes, looking for something I could wear for my date on Saturday. After realizing that most of my wardrobe consisted of work uniforms, business casual wear, and a few outfits that were club appropriate only, I decided that some shopping might be in order before then. I did a load of laundry and sorted through my closet, noting how few possessions I still had after all these years. Other than my clothes, there wasn't much here I could call my own. I've been sleeping on for years. I called this place 'home' but it's nothing more than a place for me to wash up and try to sleep before my workday begins. I guess I just never realized it before. I've lived here for years now and I still feel like a guest.
My room was sparse. It was less of a bedroom and more like one of those facades at IKEA and even those have more character in them than this room does now. Aunt Rhea's floral print wallpaper and framed photos of birds and trees still decorated the walls, the same bedspread was tucked into the wooden frame; the wooden dresser with the small vanity was still nestled in one corner of the room, its counter clear with the exception of my jewelry box and some of my makeup. The only other furniture was the bookshelf hanging on the wall, the top shelf filled mostly with old magazines and a few books I never bothered to read in high school. The bottom shelf was stuffed with my mother's journals and an old photo album.
Despite my better judgement, I reached for one of the journals. Dust fell off of the cover in my hands. Its spine was barely intact, hanging by a thread. I skimmed the pages, the scent of her lavender perfume somehow still wafting off the aged, musky pages. She was always doodling, sketching and scribbling on the edges of receipts or in the corners of napkins. Some of them slipped from between the pages as I peeked through it, falling to the floor in a flutter. A single tear slid down my cheek as I scooped one of them up.
It was a familiar scrawl, a simple outline design of her necklace, two hearts, one smaller interwoven into a larger one, hanging by an intricately knotted chain. It was a standard Celtic Motherhood Knot but my mother's was altered, engraved with our initials and birth-dates. I hated the pendant but I also couldn't bring myself to not carry it with me everywhere I went. It was even in my pocket now. I knew Dimitri had noticed but he never asked about it.
There was sketch of the pendant on almost every page and loose receipt in the journal. She had the necklace before I was even born but she had always planned on tattooing the ornate shape somewhere on her body among all the other tattoos she had. She died before she could get it done because the design was never perfect. She had wanted it just right.
"A forever reminder of me and my Rosie," she used to tell me.
Those words were even etched onto some of the pages. Her scrawl was too sloppy for me to discern most of the writing but I also wasn't trying too hard. As a kid I was always curious about what she was writing in the journals she carried around everywhere she went. Now that I was older and she was no longer around to stop me from trying to peek, I wasn't so curious anymore. Or maybe I just didn't want to remember how crazy my mother really was. Part of me wanted to throw them out, throw everything of hers out the way Aunt Rhea did but I never had the courage to. Despite how much I hated my mother, I didn't have the strength to throw away the remaining pieces from when she was alive.
"Rose, I'm back!" Mia called from downstairs.
I snapped the journal shut and shoved it back onto its shelf to be forgotten again and bounded downstairs, eager to get away from the memories I stirred up.
"Liss is right behind me," Mia told me as she set the karaoke down. She struggled to removed the extra grocery bags and her purse from her arms but opted to immediately drop everything and bounded to the door, pouncing on Lissa as she entered.
"So what do you have to tell us?" Mia asked, both of us anxiously waiting for Liss to set her stuff down. I was just as eager as Mia was to hear what this big talk was about but I was - barely - controlling myself a little bit better.
"Can I put my stuff down first?" Lissa laughed anxiously as she squeezed by, her purse and school bag in hand, Christian trailing in behind her.
"Hey," he greeted.
I nodded back at him but Mia folded her arms, her eyes narrowing into little slits. Standing just over five feet, Mia was small woman, but she was a force to be reckoned with. Which is why I wasn't surprised by the true fear on Christian's face as she marched up to him, arms crossed, foot tapping.
"I believe I said 'girls only'. That dangling thing between your legs is a strong indicator that you are not a girl."
"It's twenty-nineteen, Mia. You don't know how I identify," he stubbornly declared, just trying to get a rise out of her as usual. While Christian and I weren't exactly buddies, he and Mia had more of a bickering sibling relationship.
"Don't use my sense of gender equality against me! This is a roommates only, house-meeting. What are you doing here?"
Christian, in all of his six foot two glory, cowered back a bit as Mia blocked him from coming further into the house.
"Just dropping Liss off before my shift?" It came out uncertain, as though he was testing if that was a reasonable enough reason to Mia's ears.
Apparently it wasn't because she rolled her eyes and scoffed. He looked to Liss for help, scratching at his inky dark hair while he thought of an appropriate response that would please his interrogator.
"He's actually a part of what I want to talk to you guys about but maybe it'd be better if it's just us," she directed at Chris who looked unsure about leaving his girlfriend here. Whatever it was she had to say, was it so bad that he was worried about how we'd react?
"What is it?" Mia pressed, bouncing on her heels.
"I should tell them alone," Liss repeated to Chris, ignoring Mia. "I'll call you afterward," she promised.
"Are you sure?" he asked worriedly.
"Are you seriously trying to crash girls' night? You can't survive one night without your girlfriend? Afraid you'll forget what she looks like?"
"No I just-"
"You just thought wrong, buddy! Ladies night only! We have some familial bonds to fix here so goodbye! She'll call ya later."
"Mia-" Lissa protested, trying not to laugh herself as tiny Mia manhandled Christian out the front door.
"I'm sure he'll be here first thing tomorrow morning to see you," she insisted as she pushed at Christian.
"I will," Christian promised as he mustered up enough strength against Mia to stop and grab Lissa for a quick peck on the cheek and a hug. "Call me after you tell them," he semi whispered before leaving.
"Tell us what?" Mia and I asked at the same time, frustrated at this point.
"Let's get comfy and have some dinner first," Lissa stalled. "And then we'll talk."
"Talk about what?" I pressed, both of us following her into the kitchen where she started pulling food out of the fridge.
"Oh it must be a biggie. She's trying to ply us with food first, lull us into a false sens of security before laying it on us," Mia said as she went stop Lissa from trying to prep some sort of dinner and turned her to face us. "No stalling. Just tell us. Anything we're imagining is probably ten times worse than it actually is. Is it marriage? You're coming out as a lesbian? You adopted a litter of kittens?"
"What? No," Lissa chuckled slightly before sobering, suddenly looking nervous. She knotted her hands together and couldn't seem to look either of us in the eye. Realizing we weren't going to let this go, she sighed and gestured to the kitchen table.
"Let's sit down," Mia gasped suddenly, her hand over her mouth and her eyes comically widened to the size of two saucers. "You're pregnant!"
"What? No!" Lissa quickly dismissed.
"You and Christian eloped!" Mia guessed again as Lissa ushered us to sit down.
"Again no. Stop guessing."
"Well then spill it sister! What could you have to tell us that would warrant a kitchen table sit down?"
We settled around the table that none us ever used except to stack sales papers and junk mail. When we were kids, Aunt Rhea used to host big family dinners around this table where everyone was welcome. The table would be surrounded by people and not a second would pass that someone wasn't laughing or smiling. Now there were only three of us sitting solemnly, two of us anxiously awaiting to hear what the third was going to say. Lissa's mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to work up the best way to say whatever it was she had to tell us, but nothing came out. Finally she just spit it out.
"Christian asked me to move in with him."
Half a minute passed before either Mia and I spoke. She audibly gasped while my mouth fell open. I shouldn't be surprised. They've been dating since freshman year of high school, they spend every waking, available moment together, and the way that they look at each other...
I knew it was coming eventually but in my head it was always somewhere down the line. Not so soon. This was almost weirder to me than anything Mia had guessed because the idea of Lissa living outside of this house without me had never really occurred to me. What would it be like? What did this mean for Mia and I? Why did it suddenly feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest? I shook my head, slowly inhaling and exhaling through my nose trying to breathe, realizing Lissa had been talking.
"...I graduate in May and my boss has already talked to me about offering me a position at their firm after I graduate. I'll quit the cafe, have a job in my field of study. I already spend most of my time at Chris' anyway...it just seems right. You know?"
Mia was the first to speak after an awkward beat of silence where no one said anything.
"Well it's great, Liss!" She squeezed her into a tight hug before pulling back. "You had me thinking it was something bad."
"I just wasn't sure how'd you take it since it means I won't be living here anymore," Liss directed first at Mia and then me who had yet to say anything. I couldn't form a coherent thought in my head. I kept thinking of all the times I ran from this house, escaped from my bedroom window, walked out that front door knowing that every time I came back, Liss would be there to welcome me with open arms. This wasn't a family home anymore. It never really had been but now it was official.
"I...wow...this is good?" Despite my best efforts, it came out more as a question than a statement. I wanted to be happy for her, to be excited and mean it. It should have made me ecstatic that she was getting out of this house. It held nothing but bad memories and nightmares for both of us. Something was holding me back. For the first time in our lives, she was leaving me behind. I wasn't part of her plans anymore. We were each truly on our own.
My chest tightened and I stood up a little too quickly, knocking the chair back and walking to the sink for a glass of water.
"You okay, Ro?"
I nodded with my back turned as I guzzled the water. It helped but I wasn't feeling awesome.
Liss described how Christian had asked her, Mia listening in rapt attention, both of them patiently waiting for me to come back around.
"So...I was thinking," Liss started as I leaned back against the counter, facing their worried gazes. "This house is too big for just the two of you and the cost of living here just isn't worth it. It's not like we have any emotional attachments to it. Not any good ones anyway," she added with a dry laugh. "The electricity, water, property taxes, insurance..."
"You want to sell the house," I guessed as she trailed off.
"Yeah, why not?" she shrugged. "This house is a burden."
There's that word again. Burden. The house. Me. We're both burdens she wants to get rid of.
"I can't spend my life worrying about you twenty-four seven when I should be living a life of my own."
She continued, unaware of the turmoil somersaulting through my head. "It's certainly not worth all the trouble of keeping it. It'll be a fresh start for all of us."
She was right. This house was always more trouble than it was worth. I should want to let it go but it wasn't that easy for me. Crazy, since it wasn't even really my house. It was the Dragomir family home, even though it had been a long time since there had been any sense of "family" living in it.
"Look, there's no hurry or anything. I'm not just gonna leave you guys hanging without giving you some time to figure out what you want to do but I think we should sell the house, split the profit and move on."
"That doesn't sound too bad, right Ro?" Mia asked, speaking up for the first time.
Her eyes softened sympathetically. She could see I was struggling with this. But why was it so difficult for me to just say "yes"and let it go. I certainly wasn't too fond of this house. Was it because Liss was leaving? This was a big step, breaking up the comfortable trio we'd been living as for the last couple of years. What if I couldn't survive on my own, without Liss? All of my preaching that I was an adult that could take care of myself, but what if I couldn't do it. My mom could never make it on her own. She always pleaded and cried until someone offered to save and take of her. People were always saying that I was just like her so did that mean that if she couldn't survive alone, neither could I? With Liss gone, there would be no one to come home to, the last of my blood relatives leaving me behind.
"You and I could find a cheaper place, closer to the city and you wouldn't have to work so much," she suggested.
I swallowed past the dryness in my throat, unable to admit any of my fears and worries aloud. "Yeah, maybe. That sounds good," I lied.
I blinked hard, once then twice, tears threatening to spill from behind my eyes for the second time that day. I couldn't do this. I couldn't stand here and fake it but I also didn't want them to see me breakdown, asking what was wrong with me when even I wasn't sure. What the hell is wrong with me?
"You know what, I just remembered that I have...I..." I couldn't do it, couldn't lie. "I can't be here right now."
"Rose..." They both started standing up to try and stop me but I was quicker than both of them. I grabbed my car keys, thankful I'd left them by the door, and ran to my car. Mia and Lissa made it to the doorstep just as I backed out and sped off. The irony wasn't lost on me that I was running away from the house because I was upset about not wanting to lose the house. I don't know what came over me or where I was going.
I drove without really knowing where I was going until I ended up downtown, pulling into the first liquor store I could find. I told myself I'd cut back on cigarettes but this was an emergency. I needed something to take the edge off. I eyed the tall bottles of liquor in the refrigerators. That was an option, plus it'd give me a good excuse to avoid driving home if I was drunk. I weighed my options, bottle of Jack or cigarettes? They were both really bad and I'd hate myself late for giving in to either habit but I needed something, anything to calm me down and crying wasn't an option.
I decided to buy both but realized at the counter than I left the house without a purse or my wallet. I didn't even have my phone. Damn.
I stomped out of the store frustrated. I had no where to go, to turn to.
"You're welcome to come here when you're looking for somewhere to run."
I couldn't go running to Dimitri's job like a crazy person. Any hopes I had of him seeing me as a normal person, wanting to date me, would be out the window. I wasn't about to park outside of his house, waiting for him again but he had offered. He said he understood to some extent or, at the very least, he wanted to.
"I want to get to know you, Rose."
I didn't believe him at the time but is it possible he meant it? There was really only one way to find out. Despite my best judgement, I hopped into my car and drove to the highway, headed for the only place I had to run to.
A/N: Bit of a slow chapter but I'm starting to realize this version is going to be slower paced than the original. Rose is having a bit of a hard time these first couple of chapters but maybe thing will work out for her with a little loving from our favorite Russian :) Thank you again for the views, reviews, follows, and your infinite patience