I'm here

When people feel like they were losing grasp of control, they turn to what they know best – defensiveness. They often grab their invisible mask of strong stance and put them on immediately so no one could see what their real faces look like when they were scared.

They replace weakness with anger, hurt with neglect and disappointment with toxicity. They thought that these are the only ways to cope with what they are dealing with. They never really see through these things until they brought them devastation little by little.

Every little thing has its own consequence, big or not. Every action made has its own reason. Every action, thus, is a decision.

Losing control felt nothing like I imagined. I thought that when people get drunk, it's fun because they seemed to have fun. But that's not how I felt. I felt everything moving around me while I just stood, like a deadweight. Maybe that's what I am really – a deadweight, a burden, something that always causes troubles.

"Don't fucking touch her!" I heard her again. But this time, the intensity of her voice changed into something much heavier. She was definitely outraged.

"Dude, I was just trying to help." I heard them banter.

I was trying so hard to open my eyes but all I've seen were streaks of blue and red and white lights and then black again. What the hell is going on?

Quinn! Right, Quinn must've lost me. Or I must've lost her. I didn't even know Mike Chang's house was that big for me to get lost. I have to find Quinn and tell her I'm alright, maybe a little drunk, but still working… I think?

"Don't you dare, Puckerman!" She hissed again, almost spatting every word. I wanted to see her to confirm whether she really was the one saying those things.

"Fine. Whatever!" He sighed almost defeatedly.

"S, we didn't have that much. I swear!" Quinn butted in. Quinn's here! She has found me! I thought we've lost each other. I was just outside the bathroom waiting for Quinn, I didn't really know what happened or even what's happening now.

"Fuck you, Fabray!" I heard her muttered lowly, in an extremely dangerous tone. Then I felt warmth in front of me. "Hey, Britt? This is Santana." She's definitely her. "I'm going to drive you home, 'kay?" I must've nodded or mumbled something. Well, I tried. "I'm going to carry you now but you have to help me. You have to hold on to me real tight, okay?"

"Hm…" I mumbled again.

"Okay." She breathed out and right after I felt her hand under the back of my knees and behind my back. I felt more hands adjusting me as I felt her stood up. "I got her. I got her!" She dismissed them. "Now get out of my way."

"Let me help." Quinn sighed as I heard her shuffle behind us. Santana muttered some curse under her breath. She must be worried about something. I'd like to ask what it was that bothered her. Something really pushed her over the edge. I could sense it in the way she clenched her muscles and the way she breathed.

I felt instantly cold after a couple of steps, we must've reached the outside of Chang's house. Wait! I forgot to say bye to Tina.

"Britt," Santana whispered. "please open your eyes for a while."

I tried opening them only for a force to drag them back close. I couldn't help it. Then, I tried with much determination again. When I was able to open my eyes, I immediately melt in hers. It's the same ground eyes I was waiting to look at the rest of the week. "You're pre-tty." I said, or maybe a bit slurry than I've planned.

"And you're drunk." She said trying to be stern. She didn't seem so pissed unlike when we were inside. Her voice was a bit hushed now, a bit tender. "Quinn, help me open the door."

"Got it."

I've seen Quinn in my peripheral, she moved hastily as she opened the car door. There was a faint music playing. "Dance." I mumbled as I tried to look at Quinn. She turned back and our eyes met. Her gaze was different, startled and... fragile? "Quinn?" She pushed herself forward as Santana carefully lowered my feet down. Quinn didn't speak. But her presence spoke loudly to me. Would it have been different if Santana wasn't here? Does Santana really affected her that much?

"We're going to put you in now, Britt." Santana instructed as she and Quinn swiftly took me by the arms. We had a hard time getting myself in but still we were able to, not as smoothly as we'd expected though. I ended up almost slipping and leaning my body on the driver's seat but I think Santana caught me right away. I heard her buckled the seat belt to hold me securely then cursed at Quinn some more. I wanted to stop them from fighting. I don't want them to fight. They're like the most awesome girls who completely balance each other out. They shouldn't argue especially not about something or someone as futile as me.

"Brittany, I'm so sorry, okay?" It was Quinn. She was whispering. I felt her breath on my cheek. "I shouldn't have led you at the back. Puck's so stupid for literally feeding you all those drinks."

I wanted to stop her for apologizing. It wasn't her fault. I was the one who got myself into this. I wanted to assure her. I wanted her to know that she shouldn't be blaming herself. But all I was able to say was, "Okay."

Her hands felt warm on my face, but it was her lips on my cheek that sent even more warmth to my body. It was so soft, so apologetically soft. Like when you nuzzle your body in a fur, it instantly send off a different kind of feeling inside. She said something more before I heard the door shut carefully. I wasn't able to process it because the moment the car door closed, I was enraptured by the familiar scent... it's becoming my favorite.

"Fucking bitch!" I would've been startled if my mind wasn't so blurry. Santana started the engine and checked on me before speeding off. There were no more music, no more distant chatters, only the sound of the engine and the wheels hitting the road. It was almost rhythmic. It gave me comfort to say the least.

I felt the car slowed down and parked. I tried to open my eyes. Damn, I was so sleepy but my mind's still so loud.

"Brittany?" Santana sounded unsure. "We're at your house now." She gently nudged me. But I'm awake! I felt awake but somehow I couldn't respond appropriately. "Oh gosh. Plan B I guess." She breathed out and got out of the car. Plan B? What the hell was Plan B?

I forced myself to open my eyes again. It was clearer this time though it was so dark outside and the tint of her windows wasn't helping at all. I could see her silhouette though, she was nearing our porch. Oh God! I'm dead. My dad's going to kill me!

She knocked on our door. The lights in our house were still on, my dad's probably waiting for me. I. AM. SO. DEAD.

I squinted my eyes to get a better look at her. The front door opened and my father went out. He was probably surprised to see Santana. Oh my gosh! They were talking, Santana pointed at me - no, wait - at the car. She was pointing in this direction. Wait - were they talking about me or the car? Huh? Shit! I'm positive they were talking about me. My heart's beating loudly now, I could feel it pulse through my ears. My breathing also quickened which was a bad, bad sign.

My dad nodded his head. Santana's turning this way. Wait! My father was speaking again but Santana's already down the porch, she turned around. I couldn't see their reactions, I just noticed Santana nodded. She nodded again as my father spoke. Then my father went inside the house. Santana was almost by the car. I was never confused in my entire life than in this moment. What happened? What did Santana tell him? I had a million question in my head right now and I hope that I would be able to ask her.

"Alright." Santana went inside the car and faced me. She frowned and cocked her head to one side. "Britt, are you going to puke?"

"Huh?"

"Are you sick? Do you want to puke?" I shook my head. "Look, tell me if you're feeling it alright?"

"Yeah."

"Here, drink this." She got something from the compartment and handed it to me. It was a small bottle of water. "Drink some. It'll help somehow." I did as she said. She waited for me to finish, she was waiting for me patiently.

"Dad?"

"He's fine. I told him you're spending the night with me."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" She let out a little laugh then continued. "We'd both be dead if your dad sees you like that."

"M'kay." I sighed. I still had a lot of questions in my head but I'm just too tired to fire them away.

"Are you comfortable enough?" I bobbed my head. "I'm going to drive to my house now, okay?" With that, I closed my eyes and leaned further into my seat. "It'll only take us a few minutes to get there."

"Is your dad home? Will he get mad?"

"No, he's at work. He's seldom home anyways."

After a few turns and stops, Santana finally pulled over. I couldn't thank her enough for saving me tonight with my father's supposed wrath. He couldn't know about this.

I was stumbling to unbuckle the seat belt. "Here." Santana placed her hand over mine and snapped the lock to free me of the belt holding me in place.

"You're super nice. And I like how you smell." I blurted, I didn't know if it was the sleepiness or the drunkenness I was feeling that made me say those. I didn't regret it though because she laughs. God, I swear if her voice was music, her laughter was a sweet melody.

"Don't move and wait for me." Santana then got out of the car quickly and half jogged towards my side. "Give me your hand."

I did as I was told. Again. We carefully threaded through dimmed hallways and stairs until we reached a room. We were so quiet the whole time. Santana never let go of me. She held me or I practically placed my weight over her the whole freaking time!

I heard a soft click. And I blinked a couple of times when the lights turned on. We were in a bathroom, everything was white and gold. It kinda reminded me of a princess movie. "Sit here." Santana led me to a fancy dresser chair. She then knelt in front of me and placed her hands on my knees. I forced my eyes to look at her. She has this unreadable expression that made my stomach churn. Then, my eyes closed again as my head hung low.

My breath quickened as I wait for her to chastise me or say how disappointing I was but it never came. Instead, she brushed some hair away from my face and tucked them behind my ears. "I was so worried about you." She whispered in such a delicate voice. Now, I felt even more stupid for losing control.

"Where did you go?" I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I took your advice once again." She then rested her forehead against mine. "I'll explain tomorrow. You must be tired. Can you still wash your face or do you need me to do that for you?"

I shook my head. All I wanted was to hide and sleep and never let her find me. I didn't deserve this. She has been so good to me that I don't know if she's even real.

I heard her shuffle through the bathroom. "Britt?" I tried to mumble to let her know that I heard her. "I'm going downstairs real quick, okay? So if you're sick and you wanted to puke the toilet's right over there." I said 'okay' for the nth time tonight. "Here, lean back for a while. I'll go get you something to help you sober up a little."

I didn't know if it was her warmth, her soothing voice or the way she cupped my cheek that made me want to stay up all night, maybe it was everything. I heard her footsteps faded. I dared to open my eyes once again to get a better look at things but all that's registering in my mind was the image of floor, sink and toilet.

It didn't take long for me to hear her return. She gently cupped my hands on a glass. "Drink up." She said softly.

"Whas tis?" I slurred.

"It'll make you feel better, I promise."

"M'kay." I slowly drank the liquid she gave me and breathed out after I realized that I've finished it, bottoms up.

"Here, I brought you some comfortable clothes you can change into. Can you manage?" She hesitated. "Dumb question. Britt, lift your hands." I lifted my hands as high as I can. She somehow managed to undress and put on some clothes on me again. I felt a thousand times relieved. Then I felt a wet cloth gently wiping my face starting from my forehead down my nose then my cheeks down to my jaw and neck.

Santana's God sent.

...

My hands wandered through the soft sheets. It felt weird and different. My sheets weren't this soft, maybe dad has changed it when I was out.

I inhaled and the scent wasn't the same too. It was familiar but not the smell that my room has. I definitely was very familiar with how my room was and how everything felt. Something weird was going on.

I slowly opened my eyes and adjusted through the room. I scanned around and everything was black. It wasn't because it was still night time because I could visibly see the streaks of light passing through the edges of the curtains. Hold up! My window wasn't this big. Oh my God!

I frantically look to the left side of the bed and there I saw her. It was her. The same girl who simply disappeared the entire week.

Random memories then came flashing back - Tina inviting me to the party, Quinn dragging me around, Puck mixing drinks, then... nothing. Why couldn't I remember the rest of it? Shit! How did I even get here.

I looked down at Santana again. She laid flatly through her stomach, the sheets almost slipping down her thigh. She wasn't facing me as her dark locks spread freely on her pillowcase.

"You're awake." I jolted as I heard her raspy voice. She then slowly turned to face me.

"How..." I paused. This didn't make sense. "What happened?"

"You've been so drunk last night and I don't think your dad would appreciate me bringing you home in that state so I brought you back here instead." Santana then pursed her lip. "How's your head?"

"Okay, but I couldn't recall everything that has happened last night or whether my mind's playing tricks with me again." I scratched the back of my head.

Santana nodded understandingly.

"Thank you." She looked at me straight in the eyes. Her eyes were comforting as ever. "Thank you for bringing me here and taking care of me. Look, I've troubled you so much and I know that you probably has a lot on your plate. I didn't want to cause anymore trouble -"

"Stop, Britt. I'm not complaining." Santana just shrugged off and sat up. "I went there because I was worried about you. Quinn called me, you're lucky I was just on my way home."

"I'm not usually like that."

"I know."

"You do?" I looked up at her. How could she know? Was I that bad? Did I tell her everything on my sleep?

"Yep, I know. If you were, you wouldn't be so drunk and pass out after just a few shots." I lowered my head even more. If I wasn't embarrassed before, I definitely am now.

"Hey, it's fine." Santana assured me. When I didn't look up, she reached for my hand and cover it with hers. "Look, can I ask you a favor?"

That got me to look at her again. She's so beautiful. Beautiful isn't really the best word to describe her but I think it's the closest I have in my vocabulary. "What is it?"

She let out a sigh before speaking, "If you don't want to do anything, then don't do it."

"They didn't make me do anything." I sounded defensive. I knew that Santana was somehow blaming Quinn or maybe Puck or Tina for what happened.

"I didn't say they made you do something. All I'm saying is, I just want you to be comfortable. Just be yourself."

"Okay." I breathed out.

"Will you do it?"

"It's really not a favor, Santana."

"But will you do it for yourself?" She insisted.

"Yeah," I nodded to assure her. "Yeah, I will." I gave her a small smile which returned almost immediately. "I promise."

Her smile grew wider that she had to bite her bottom lip to stop her from smiling. "Want some breakfast? You didn't even eat last night."

"How'd you know?"

She made a little 'tsk' sound before answering. "I guessed."

"Oh."

She frowned a little before nudging me. "Come on. Let's fill your stomach with something much healthier."

...

When we went down, we found Santana's aunt in the kitchen. She has already prepared a feast. Santana introduced me to her, she said that she's one of the sisters of Santana's father.

She was kind and has the same complexion as Santana's. I asked if her father was home and both of them said 'no' at the same time. I didn't ask anything more. Her aunt kept feeding me pancakes and telling me stories about Santana. She mentioned that she was excited because this was the only time Santana has brought a 'friend'. I didn't even know if we're friends... but I guess after everything that has happened, I can say that about the kind of relationship we have.

Santana kept on interrupting her aunt, claiming that she's had enough to tell.

I thanked her over and over for the sumptious breakfast she has prepared and she mentioned that she'll be expecting me to visit frequently. I just nodded my head, noting that I have to talk to Santana about it.

"I'm sorry about my Tia. She can be that exaggerated sometimes, but mostly she's tolerable." Santana apologized when we're back in her room.

"Don't apologize. I actually had a great time listening to her."

"Oh please." She playfully rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me you'd rather be downstairs instead of here."

I gave her a cheeky smile and shook my head.

Then, there was silence.

We just stayed seated in bed, beside each other. Little by little, questions started to pop back in my head.

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "Where have you been?" I looked at her but her gaze was fixated on the floor. As if something much interesting was there.

She sighed and licked her bottom lip. "I took your advice." She said as if that explained everything.

"Okay?" I said questioningly.

"I went to the hospital at first to visit my mom. She was out of the ICU by the way. She hasn't woken up in three days and I kept on coming back there instead of going to school. My dad made some calls to the admin because we thought... we thought that we'd lose her at any moment." She paused. I felt her pain through her words and voice. She was strong enough to keep herself from crying. I looked down and saw her knuckles turning white for gripping the comforter tightly. "I stayed by her side. I told her over and over that I was there and I won't leave her alone even if she gets tired hearing my voice." Her voice cracked but she still continued. "Then yesterday morning, she woke up. I was the first person she saw. She recognized me." Santana looked at me, tears were now threatening to fall from her eyes. They were too glassy for me to even look at. I felt a tug in my heart. "Britt, she recognized me... her daughter." She finally broke into sobs. And I did the best thing I know to comfort her, I pulled her in and wrapped my arms around her body. She shook. She trembled for a while. I let her cry and absorb things. At that moment, she looked so small. I've never seen anyone who has let their walls down like Santana has.

She pulled back a little and looked up at me, she was smiling through tears. Using my other hand, I wiped her face gently. "She recognized me, Britt. She told me she loves me more than anyone or anything and that she's sorry. She told me that I have to be strong for papi too." I wiped the remaining of her tears.

"And what did you tell her?"

"I... I told her that I love her so much. And that I'll always be strong. And she believed me." She smiled at me.

I wanted to tell her that I'm happy for her because I really am, but instead I settled for a smile.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"But I didn't do anything."

"You told me to be there for her... and I did. And I told her about you. I am so thankful for you."

I bit my lip. I was overwhelmed by her gratitude and the magnitude her gratitude held. I should be the one thanking her for doing what she has done for me. I should be the one who's overwhelming her with appreciation and thanks. She should be the one on the receiving end, but somehow she managed to turn the tables. I have never felt like this before, like I was needed, like my opinion meant so much. It felt good. For the first time in years, I felt heard and I felt absolutely good.

For all those asking me to continue this, this is for you.

I love reading your comments, I love your messages too. Thank you!

-Still missing Naya :(