Alone
"Hey, thanks for driving me." I leaned down Santana's window once I was out of her car. "And thanks for last night. I couldn't imagine what would've happened if you weren't there."
"Enough of this thanks, I already told you like a million times that it's fine. I got you, okay? Are you sure you're up for working today?"
I nodded and gave her a genuine smile. She smiled wider as she pulled out her phone and swing it out. "Call me later when you're off work. I'll come and pick you up."
"Don't worry about me. I'm a big girl now, I could handle myself." I stood up straight and nodded for her to go.
"Yeah, convince yourself that. Last night was enough proof for me to think otherwise."
I chuckled as I slowly remembered everything she did for me. I seriously couldn't thank her enough. Santana cried her heart out during our conversation about her mom this morning, I admire her for holding herself back up despite everything that's going on in her life.
She's on her way to the hospital again. She said that she'd stay there until later tonight. I didn't really want to bother her with me too much even though she kept insisting that she'd fetch me after work.
Santana took a leave from work too. I don't get why she ever wanted to work in the cafe. She totally has a very comfortable house, and I'm pretty sure that doctors make a very decent living to support a family. Point is, she doesn't need a job.
"I could just call my dad, that way you could stay with your mom longer."
"Papi wouldn't allow me to stay overnight there... so I might as well be with you than be alone tonight."
"You're not alone, you're aunt's there."
She sighed. "I know it's stupid but... it's not really the same, you know? Some grown ups don't just get it."
I understood what she meant.
"Fine, I'm out by eight. If you're really insisting then I'm totally cool with it."
"See you at eight."
I stepped back and waited for her to drive off. When she was out of sight, I went inside and timed in for work. Jake was there, he's been super nice and flirty. Though I realized that it's just the way he was, it could be misinterpreted by other people but I don't think he's interested in something serious.
"You're early for someone who's got a hangover." He smirked at me while I put my apron on and stood behind the cash register.
"Ugh, don't even get me started."
He laughed as a customer came in. It was lunch time when I started my shift, it wasn't that busy until three in the afternoon. More and more people buzzed in which didn't even help with my still recovering head.
During my break, I decided to check on my phone. There were two messages, one from dad and one from an unknown number.
Dad: Honey, appointment tomorrow at 9am. Please don't miss it. Your mom also called.
I blinked at my phone. I wondered what my mom wanted this time. We haven't been on speaking terms. After the night she left me here, we haven't spoken. I replied to my dad with a simple 'Okay. I'm at work now.'
I sighed. He didn't even ask where I was or what time I'll be home. I guess we really need to work on this daughter-father relationship that we have.
Then, I opened the next message. Actually, they were multiple messages sent by only one person - Quinn. One was a long message sent this morning at around three a.m.
Quinn [03:16]: Brittany, it's Quinn. I'm really sorry. I took all the blame for what happened to you. I feel so guilty for leaving you out for a couple of minutes. I panicked because I thought something bad happened. I didn't know if you have any allergy or if you got poisoned. I was planning to take you to the hospital but I got scared of how my parents or your parents would react if they learned about what happened at the party. I called Santana because she was the only one you talk to and I thought that she knew you more. Please call or text me. I'm worried sick.
Quinn [07:02]: Hey, you're probably mad but let me make it up to you. Lunch tomorrow, my treat. Please?
I sighed to myself. Now, I felt really bad for her.
I typed in my reply and told her that I wasn't mad and that she didn't have to make it up to me. We're cool, and that's the truth. I really don't want to make a big deal out of it. I had fun for a little while, plus it also made me and Santana closer. Or I think we were because of what's been happening lately.
Quinn [05:39]: Still, I want to take you out for lunch. I knew a nice place just outside the town or if you want we can go to Breadstix again.
She insisted and I didn't want to make her feel worse by rejecting her offer. But I couldn't go out of town, my father wouldn't let me. If my mom also learns that I did something like that, I'd be in a more serious trouble.
So I agreed to meet her at Breadstix and instantly I got a reply.
Quinn [05:40]: Great! See u tomorrow!
I put my phone back in my bag and went back to tending orders. The day went by just like that. After a while, the throbbing in my head seemed to finally die down. Perhaps I was able to finally get the alcohol out of my system.
The bell chimed in, distracting me from staring at nothing. The cafe died down for the night, it wasn't that busy anymore so I let Jake finish up early just as another staff came in to replace him.
"Hello, what's -"
"You. To go please." She said sweetly.
"You're early." I said with a smile, I was surprised to see her too soon.
"Well, I didn't have much to do since mami just slept the whole afternoon and papi said that she'll probably wake up tomorrow. Her body's pretty tired so..." She shrugged. "Have you eaten anything today?"
I shook my head. I didn't even feel hungry at all. Besides, I've had so many pancakes because Santana's aunt made them so heavenly.
"Thought so." Santana placed a brown bag in front of me.
"What's this?" I took the bag from the counter hesitantly.
"Dinner. I've picked it up on my way here. Come on, let's eat before it gets cold." She tipped her head to the side motioning for me to follow.
"I can't. I just had my break."
"It's fine, Brittany." Jake's replacement, who was Ian according to his name plate stood beside me. "I got it from here, besides the cafe's almost dead."
"Oh, okay. Thanks, Ian. We'll just be right over there, I'll be back."
"Sure." He shrugged then stepped behind the counter where I previously stood. Santana thanked Ian which again he shrugged off as I walked towards her.
"Come on. I hope you'll like it." Santana and I walked to an empty table and took our seats opposite each other. I opened up the bag and pulled out the contents. She helped me open them up and the smell of the burritos immediately starved me.
"Oh wow, this smells so good." I took a bite off my first meal the whole afternoon. She watched me with a satisfied smile plastered on her face. "What?" I asked in confusion. "Do I have anything on my face?"
She shook her head and looked down as she started unwrapping her burrito. "Nothing, you just looked so happy."
I looked down. I felt my cheeks flushed as I chewed my food fast. Then, I heard her giggled.
We were eating in comfortable silence. Both of us in deep thought. I was starting to think how crazy the past weeks have been. I came here not knowing what to expect, how to adjust and interact. But somehow the events that brought me here seemed to have a little less impact on me as days progressed.
Maybe welcoming change isn't too bad at all.
"Hey." Santana nudged me using her feet. I looked at her and she was now frowning at her. What did I do? "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Why?" She studied me for a while, I just sat there watching her stare back at me.
"You spaced out. Is there something wrong?"
"Oh, no. I'm s-sorry. I was just thinking about how crazy moving here has been."
"Why?" She asked innocently as she started eating her food again. She made it seem like she wasn't going to dig deep if I wasn't comfortable because she wasn't looking at me anymore.
I shook my head. "It's just... crazy." I wanted to tell her everything because I know of all people she'd understand. Given everything that she's done for me, she has earned my respect and trust. I also didn't want to talk to her about that now while I'm at work.
"Okay. Anyway, can I come over tomorrow? I need some help with the paperwork that the teachers gave me for the lessons that I've missed."
"Sure, you can always come over. But, you we don't have the same classes so I don't think I'll be much of a help."
"That's fine, I just need help in Math anyways so..."
"Alright. But I have errands in the morning so you should come by in the afternoon."
"Great! Thanks, Britt."
"No, thank you." We shared a smile.
After that I went back to work for two more hours. Santana drove me home as promised. I invited her in but she refused saying that she has some things to sort at home. I thanked her one last time before she finally went home.
I found my dad in the dining area as I was just about to get a glass of water from the kitchen to bring upstairs.
"Hey, honey." He greeted me. He's wearing his eyeglasses while reading some sort of a car magazine.
"Hi, dad." I greeted him back. It took me time to drag my feet towards him. I stood beside him while holding a glass of water awkwardly and looking down at what he's reading.
"So, how's Santana?" I gave him a questioning look because I was surprised that he asked. He looked at me then removed his glasses. "I heard about her mother." He said in a sad tone. "How's she holding up?"
"Oh, well, Santana's just... she's strong." I settled for what I knew was appropriate. I wouldn't spill everything out especially after seeing Santana like that.
"I couldn't imagine." He sighed. "Anyway, you're a good friend, Brittany. I'm glad you and her are friends."
I nodded my head then turned around to go to my room.
"And your mother called. She misses you." I stopped in my tracks. Misses me? Yeah, tell me about it. I clenched my jaw as I stopped my head from thinking about all the negative things that weren't helping at all.
"I'll uh, go shower. I'm gonna hit the bed soon since I have an appointment tomorrow."
I heard him let out another breath. "Okay. Good night."
...
"Dad, I don't want to go... please, please, please..."
"Sweetheart, daddy's here. I'm going to hold your hand real tight, I won't let you go. But I know you are a strong girl."
"But daddy, it hurts..." I cried in pain as I watched everyone rushed around me.
"Hey, hey. You are daddy's little warrior, right?" I nodded my head. "That's my baby girl." I felt him kiss me on the forehead. I looked at him and he gave me a weak smile. "You'll be fine, my baby. Mommy and daddy are going to be here. You don't have to worry about anything."
Then, he started humming our favorite song. It calmed something inside me before everything blacked out.
...
"Welcome to Breadstix, do you have a reservation?" A lady who has this warm smile greeted me as I entered the restaurant. The familiar homey scent immediately brought me comfort. This place wasn't so bad at all.
I was afraid that I'd be too early since my session with Holly concluded earlier than we've expected. We talked about old stuff, new stuff, things that bothered me. She even asked me about my dreams and how many hours of sleep I was getting. I told her about Santana, well not everything about her, just how she's helping me with a lot of things. Holly approved of me hanging out more with people my age.
My dad dropped me off the clinic before he went to work. He said that he needed to turn over a car or something and that he and some of his guys would watch some games so he'd probably get home a little late. He felt a little guilty for leaving me at home alone but I assured him that I'd be fine plus Santana would come in the afternoon for school works.
After my session with Holly, I walked towards Breadstix. Walking was good. I loved long walks especially the ones I'd have on the beach. I suddenly missed the beaches back at home, I mean, back in LA. My home's here now. Or my house. I think there's a difference between the two.
"She's with me." I heard someone say behind me which brought me back to reality. I spun around and was instantly met by her foresty hazel eyes. "Fabray." She then turned her attention to the hostess.
"Alright. Please follow me." The woman ushered us to our seats. It was the same seat we had the first time Quinn brought me here.
"So..." She started awkwardly.
I gave her a small smile and took a sip of water. She was staring at me so I lowered my gaze.
"I'm sor-"
"Quinn, look, I told you I don't need your apology." Okay, that sounded wrong. I've seen pain abruptly spread on her face at the way my words sounded. I shook my head. "What I mean is, there's nothing to apologize for. Look at me, do I not look okay to you?"
She shook her head. "You look perfectly fine. I'm just nervous that you'd think I did what happen to you on purpose."
"I'm sorry I got you so worried. I don't usually drink." I paused. "Well, I don't drink at all. It was my first time drinking at a party. Whenever I attend parties, I usually just dance, no alcohol intake or whatsoever."
"Oh gosh, you should have told me. Now, I feel guiltier than ever."
"Hey, it's fine." I leaned in on the table and looked back at her. "What's done is done. It won't happen again. Plus, I don't think I like the taste of alcohol very much."
She giggled then nodded. "Alright, well, I promise that I would be your personal guard whenever we're at parties."
"So, we cool?" I asked.
"Actually, I should be the one asking you that."
"Oh, y-yeah, of course. I told you it's no big deal so let's just forget about it."
She pursed her lips and nodded again. "Thank you." She said softly.
I felt that the dead weight that's dragging her down was lifted off her shoulders. Just in time, the waiter came and took our orders. I let Quinn decide for the appetizers since I wasn't really an appetizer kind of person. I was more likely to go direct to the main course so I ordered their herb roasted chicken while Quinn ordered a pasta dish.
We talked about random stuff. This time, she really required me to answer. She asked me a lot about my previous school, what was it like to live in LA, and why I was really here. I didn't answer the last one because it was still too personal and I didn't know if we have reached that kind of trust level that Santana and I have.
"Sorry, if you aren't comfortable with what I'm asking just tell me. I sometimes forget to set my limits."
"That's okay." I was grateful that she didn't dig further.
She also told me about her life. She grew up here in Lima since her dad was a politician before then established his own business here. There was sadness in her eyes when she was speaking about her family. Geez, what's with family these days?
"My mom asked about you. I'm surprised she remembered." Quinn laughed mirthlessly.
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know. I guess I'm just used to her not remembering things since they -" Quinn cut herself off and swallowed. "She's just not used to remembering a lot of things or people." She corrected herself.
"I'm like your mom then." I mumbled.
"You like my mom?" She stopped her fork midway.
"No, I am like your mom. I'm not good at remembering things."
"I see." Quinn nodded. "So, Brittany, would you like to hangout after this? We could watch a movie, go to the mall or, oh! There's this new ice cream parlor three blocks from here."
"That sounds perfect but I have plans after lunch."
"Oh, okay. Maybe some other time then." Quinn smiled shyly this time.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked just as we were about to finish eating.
"Sure." She wiped the sides of her mouth in that elegant way she always has.
"It's about Santana..." I paused because I wanted to make sure that it's okay to ask. I was still so confused what happened last time - Santana disappearing, Quinn sticking by my side almost the whole week, then the call. "What did you mean last time when you said that I had to be careful around her?"
"Santana and I... we... it's really complicated, Brittany. I don't even know where to start. It's just that... we have come a long way."
"Okay, I understand." I gave her a small smile. It's not really my place to shot more questions at her. If she wanted to tell me something, I'm sure she'll tell me without me looking like I'm grilling her.
Quinn then paid for our bill then we headed out. She offered to drive me home since dad wouldn't be able to pick me up. I let her because I also have to be home, I didn't know what time Santana would come by.
It was a little after one o'clock when we reached our street. From afar, I've seen someone sitting on our porch steps while frowning at her phone. It was Santana.
Quinn parked right in front of the house then looked at me with curious gaze. She must've seen Santana too. The Latina looked up upon hearing the car parked because she lifted her head, looked in our direction and frowned even more. Now she was walking towards us. I unbuckled my seat belt immediately.
"So, that's your plan?" Quinn quirked a brow at me, looking disbelievingly. Her tone also changed into something that sounded offended.
"I'm helping her catch up with school works." I answered simply then got out of the car after thanking her for lunch and the car ride.
"What the fuck are you up to now, Fabray?" Santana fumed, she was now standing on the sidewalk. I immediately walked beside her.
"San, it's nothing. She apologized for what happened, that's all." I took her arm but she swatted my hands away. Santana and Quinn were now having this heated staring contest. Quinn then lowered the car window down.
"You heard Brittany." She said in such a low, almost sarcastic tone.
"Whatever." Santana crossed her arms in front of her as Quinn shook her head. Both of them rolled their eyes before Santana turned back towards the house.
I gave Quinn a confused look but she just gave me a tight lipped smile before driving off. What the fuck did just happen? Am I missing something again?
I briskly walked back to where Santana was, she was now picking up her stuff. I frantically helped her with some books. She was still tensed when I looked at her beside me.
Then she flailed her arms and faced me. "Why were you with her?" I was shocked at how broken she sounded. Tears were also threatening to fall from her eyes.
"Santana, I... I told you, she apologized to me."
"And then what? You're buddy-buddy again? All's forgiven?" Her voice raised a little.
What's going on?
"What... I don't understand. Are you... are you mad at me?"
She lowered her head and her hands squeezed into fists. She then shook her head, slowly at first.
"Look, l-let's talk about it inside." I took her hand in hopes that she'd give in. And luckily she did. Using my free hand I immediately unlocked the front door and dragged her upstairs.
The moment I closed my bedroom door, I felt the tension back. She dropped her things near my bed and huffed down on it.
"Santana..." I walked in front of her and knelt. She wasn't looking at me, instead her eyes were fixated on her fidgeting hands. I placed my hands on top of hers to get her attention and stop her from fidgeting. "Talk to me." I whispered.
Her eyes were stormy, like a lot of things were confusing her.
She spoke after a while. "Did she tell you?"
"Tell me about what?" I waited but she didn't say anything. "The only thing that she told me is how sorry she was for leaving me outside the bathroom to pee." I shifted closer to her. "Monday after practice, Quinn drove me home because you disappeared. But before she drove me home, we hangout a little. She brought me to this amazing restaurant then dropped by their house." I paused to check if she's listening. Now, I had her attention, she was staring at me with her brows drawn together. "Then... her phone rang and she was in the comfort room so she asked me to answer it for her." Realization hit her, for the way her eyes widened a bit told me that she wasn't expecting it. "You said that I don't need more drama, what's that supposed to mean?"
"I..." She was speechless. She kept opening and closing her mouth as her eyes kept blinking. "It's complicated."
"Try me."
"Britt -"
"Try me." I said with much force.
"I said that because of everything that's going on with my life. I told you about my mother, I just don't want you to get too involved and look at me with pity."
"Oh, honey, I would never look at you that way. I know what it feels like to carry so many baggages."
"You do?"
I nodded and gave her a weak smile. She bit her lip. With that look, I knew there's something more she'd like to say but couldn't say it because she didn't know where to start. "It's okay. You can tell me anything, Santana. I'm here for you." She looked at me, her stormy eyes changed into something much uncertain.
"Quinn and I... we had a misunderstanding in the past. She was my best friend. When I came out of the closet, she didn't know how to act around me at first. Everyone just treated me differently, some took it the wrong way. But that didn't stop me from being the head bitch along with Quinn." She shrugged her shoulders and licked her bottom lip. "By that time she got pregnant with Puck's baby and she didn't want anything to do with him, that led us to be close again. We became so close that when her dad kicked her out, we took her in. I was the one who went through every checkups, drive her around where she's needed, held her hand when she was in labor... we were just there for each other you know. I was her best friend, that's what I'm supposed to do... but Quinn read it wrong. She has mistaken my actions for love. I mean, yeah, I love her but not like that. I love her as a sister." She said the last parts in a half whisper. Saying that I was dumbstruck would be an understatement. So this was what Quinn meant. "She was devastated to know that we weren't on the same page and after that we just... drifted. We share this love-hate relationship. But she's cool now that she and Berry are getting it on."
"Oh wow." I didn't mean to say it too loud but that was extremely shocking.
"Yeah..." She breathed out. "I'm taking that she didn't tell you."
"Wait! Hold up! You and Quinn?!"
"What?" She asked. "We are not, I just told you, B."
"No, I mean... gosh, that's... I don't know what to say. I didn't know. I mean, well, you did a lot for her which may have led her on - "
"But I didn't -"
"Which you didn't. Maybe it's also because she was lonely. You know, being pregnant and alone. It's easy to misunderstand things when you're lonely."
"You're right. But still, that doesn't change the fact that our friendship will never be the same again. I mean, I still think she blames me for everything. But, in my defense, something good came out of it."
"Berry?"
"Yeah, who would've thought right?"
"Would never ever, even in my wildest dreams."
We both looked seriously at each other, but she was the first one to crack. The next thing we know, we were both laughing our asses off.
"Have you talked to her about this?"
"We have nothing left to talk about. We remain civil and I think that's for the best."
"I'm not sure about that." I sat beside her while our gazes remained on each other's. "You and Quinn, you've shared something so special before and I don't think that what you have can simply be thrown away just like that. I'm just saying... she still cares about you and I'm sure you do too."
"How are you so sure about that?"
"Because why would you go to her first for favors?"
"Wha -"
"Uh-uh, don't deny it. Avoiding isn't something that you should do."
"Well, it's been two years. I don't know but it seemed that she's okay with it."
"People are too good at masking their feelings. You should know."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
I sighed. "The answer's too obvious." Then, I nudged her. "Come on. Let's get started with your homework."
"I'm already done with all of them." She cleared her throat then laid flat on the bed.
"What?"
"I just made an excuse to hangout with you today." She started playing with the hem of her shirt while staring at the ceiling. She looked like she was in deep thought. I decided to lay beside her maintaining a good distance so as not to intrude on her space. "Where were you this morning?"
My eyes went wide as I looked at her. Her eyes still fixated at the ceiling. "W-what?" I stammered. I didn't even know what to say.
"Never mind." She shook her head and moved her head to my shoulder. I tensed up the instant our skins touched. She felt so warm and soft against my cold skin. After a few minutes, I relaxed at how familiar it felt. I shifted my arm, placing it comfortably around her body and drew her closer. She now laid her head on my chest and her arm draped on my torso. We didn't know why but we found this too comfortable, it was like our bodies were programmed to do this every time.
"I've had my session this morning at Doc Holly's clinic." I whispered.
She tightened her hold on me as I started rubbing small circles on her back, even though she should be the one comforted by it, it was the other way around. Her presence was more than enough for me not to feel alone anymore. With her around, I felt grounded. I felt like I was no longer drifting away.
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