Welcome Home
"I've had my session this morning at Doc Holly's clinic."
It was so strange hearing my own voice said that. There was a deafening silence right after I spoke. I was nervous not just because I would tell her why I was there, I was also nervous for the obvious reason - she might change especially the way she looked at me. I didn't know that her opinions and what she thought about me mattered to me until this last minute.
I was waiting for her to ask, but I didn't get any questions. She was waiting patiently for me to tell her everything. The way she tightened her hold on me let me know that she's there, like I was for her.
I took a deep breath in and breathed it out shakily.
"I was there because my parents think I'm lonely and I need somebody to talk to." I continued rubbing her back soothingly. "I've been lonely for quite a while now." I could still remember all the events that happened like it was in some sort of an HD film in my head. I clenched and loosed my jaw a couple of times, I no longer know how to continue.
My mind started doing this crazy thing wherein I thought of everything all at once - all the regrets, all the what ifs, all the blame. "Ever since that day... my mom started acting all weird... then daddy followed. Then they, mom... she would... I mean, daddy would... I think... i-it's... every now and then, I'd hear them screaming. I'd heard them cry then shout then they'd be too silent and... then, nothing. Daddy would blame mom, then mom would blame me... daddy never looked at me the same. I hate... I hate... I hate... that feeling..." I stopped when I felt Santana moved beside me. She shifted both of our tangled bodies, she was now holding me tightly as she cupped my cheek and brushed away some tears. Tears. I didn't realize that there were tears on my face.
"Okay... It's okay. I got you." She whispered. Her lips were placing butterfly kisses on my forehead as I took deep, ragged breaths.
"I'm so-rry... T-this... I-I'm just... this is stupid. I'm sorry." I tried pushing her away but she kept her tight hold on me. "Santana – "
"I'm lonely too." Santana pulled me closer to her, closing any gap there was between us. "I'm lonely too, Brittany." Her voice cracked. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me everything now. It's okay." Her tight hug loosened a little as she used her other hand to rub comforting circles on my back. "I got you."
I slowly brought my hands around her. "I-I'm sorry."
"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for, alright?"
"Okay."
We were like that for a few minutes that turned into a couple more. I honestly didn't know how long we laid like that. She just let me feel all these feelings without making me feel that I was alone. I felt something lifted off my chest somehow - like Santana helped me lift off a heavy bag that I was carrying for a long time. It wasn't that much but still she helped me.
...
"I can't believe this!" I heard my dad shouted in the living room. "How could you... how could you do this to me? How... Fuck!" He sounded so angry and at the same time so... broken. It made my heart sunk. Then I heard my mom crying.
Ever since my last trip to the hospital, it was like both of them were walking on eggshells. It somehow grew to me that I also started walking on eggshells.
It started off with hushed voices. Whenever I would be around, they'd pretend that everything's normal. They would look at me, talk and smile. But their smiles were different. Something was off. Day by day, things changed inside our home. My dad started working late - which he never did unless it was an emergency at work, then he started missing my recitals, he would still sometimes drive and pick me up from school but we would no longer go on dates like we used to.
He used to do everything for me and mom.
"I didn't... I swear, it's not on purpose. You know how much I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you –"
"But you did! You fucking did." My heart hurt even more at how my dad sounded.
I was a proud daddy's girl. He has always been there for me just as much as my mom. They're always a team. He was a hardworking husband and an incredibly loving father. Mom said that she and dad waited a long time for me to arrive that's why when I was born, she has seen the glow in my father's eyes grew a thousand fold.
He always told me that I'm his lucky charm or something like it that. He took care of all my needs. When I was little, he never missed a night to tuck me in to sleep after mom read a bedtime story. I always looked up to them and how they worked as a couple. They never fought when I'm around, we had such a nice family.
"Lower your voice down, s-she might here you... please. Please." My mom said in a weak warning tone.
"You made me believe... no! You made us believe that... we were a family."
"We are! We are a family." My mother whispered.
"God! How could you do this to us!" By this time, I was at the bottom of the stairs. I chanced a look at them. Dad was seated on a single sofa while mom stood with continuous tears streaming down her face. Dad has his hands covering his face, by the looks of it he was probably crying too, while mom wrapped her arms around her delicate body.
"How could you do this? How did this happen? When? Huh? Tell me... I fucking need to understand!" Dad was now weeping, his voice cracked with every word he said.
"I didn't know. I went back to Lima t-then... we... I couldn't! You broke up with me, remember? You broke our engagement –"
"But I came back for you!"
"Yeah, months after you knew I was pregnant!"
"I'm in the military and you hated it. You dreamed of a very different life, a life I couldn't give you."
"You still don't understand, do you?" My mom took closer steps toward him. "I love you, I always have and no matter what you do I always will. I've supported you when you told me you got accepted and was about to get deployed. I waited for you to come back after months and years... only to welcome you one day with you saying that you can't marry me! How was I supposed to take that, huh?"
"For Pete's sake Susan, we were so young back then."
"Exactly." Mom sighed and they both turned quiet.
Then my dad broke into quiet sobs. I sat down at the bottom of the stairs. I couldn't look at them anymore. My knees were so weak to stand up anyways. My sobs mimicked my dad's – quiet, confused, hurt.
"How would we tell her?" Mom broke the silence. Her whisper felt deafening as it cut through my heart.
"We? No, no. S-she's..." My dad cried again.
I hated every minute of it. I wanted to run away. I wanted to go back upstairs and lock myself in my room. I wanted to pretend that I didn't hear a single word they have said. I wanted to go back in time where my dad's just picking me up from school and have one of our movie dates.
I just wanted my heart to stop hurting.
I wanted my mind to stop thinking.
I wanted to understand what they were talking about but at the same time I don't want to if it involved me... which I think it did.
...
"I'm sorry that you're hurting." She mumbled after a few minutes of just laying in silence. Her hands stopped rubbing my back as my tears dried up. She still held me tightly though to which I'm grateful for. I could feel my lungs appreciating every intake of breath I made. I hated crying. I rarely cry especially the day daddy made me promise to stay strong and not to cry over him and mom. "A wonderful person once taught me that hurtful things happen so that we would appreciate every beautiful thing that's happening in our lives. I thought it was stupid but..." She trailed off. I scrunched my brows at what she meant or what she wanted to say more. I wanted her to explain things to me. I wanted to hear her speak more. Her voice soothed me and I want her to continue just doing that.
But then again, we laid in complete silence. Minutes turned into hours. I thought she was asleep but by the way she was breathing I just know she wasn't.
"We don't have to talk about it, Britt. I just asked because I saw you there... that's all." She said after a long time. Her voice was raspier since we hadn't spoken for a while. "I want you to know that I'm here. We may not know each other so better, but trust me when I say that I'm here for you."
Hearing her say that melted something in me. It's like a tiny glimpse of light passed through a dark alley in my mind.
"That means a lot to me, Santana." I whispered. "Thank you."
"Anytime." She whispered back. "Anytime." She breathed out a heavy breath before she moved and slowly untangled herself from me. I followed her and sat up. We faced each other and our eyes locked on each other's.
She was opening her mouth only to close it again. I didn't know what she wanted to say. All I know was that I'm absorbing everything about her. The sun was about to set and the light passing through the window had an even beautiful effect on her. She was mesmerizing.
"What's... wrong?" She asked, curious gaze was now fixed on me.
"You really are a beautiful person, Santana."
I didn't get any reply back. What I got instead was a shy smile playing on her lips as she bit a part of it.
Then she dragged herself out of bed and rounded it towards me. She held up her hand before saying, "Let's go, red nose!"
"Huh? Where are we going?"
"Let's cook dinner."
"But I don't cook."
"But I do." She smirked. That's all it took for me to slide my hand in hers.
...
"Wow, didn't know that you could cook that well." I complimented her cooking which she took in shyly.
"Thanks. My mom taught me how to cook. She said that it's our thing."
"Oh, that's nice."
"Yeah, it was." She timidly smiled. "So, how about some dessert?"
"Well, we don't have anything -"
"I know a place. Come on, let's take a walk. It's not that late so it should still be open."
"Alright, I guess we could do that." I said as I place the last plate in the cabinet.
I followed Santana out and made sure to lock the door, a habit my parents taught me when I was still a little kid.
"Where are we going?" I asked as I strode beside her.
"There's this new dessert place a couple of blocks from here. I heard their servings are good." She half shrugged.
"Then, we'll have to test the theories about that." I replied paying attention to the streets.
"That we will do." She nodded then took my hand in hers. I was surprise to find it too... comforting. I know we've shared a bed, held each other and basically stepped in each others bubbles every chance there is but we've never taken this kind of gesture in public.
She must've sensed me thinking about it because as soon as she looked at me, she let go of my hand.
"I'm s-sorry. I-I didn't mean to, it's just -"
"I know." I cut her off. "I find it comforting too." I looked down at her hand and took it in mine again. This time, I interlaced our fingers and nudged her to walk again. "Come on and let's be judgey, shall we?"
She smirked and walked closely beside me. We reached the small shop after a few more walks. It was bright and cozy inside. There were a lot of cakes on display and they have this blinking lights in one of their posters. It must be their bestseller.
Santana ordered a slice of chocolate cake while I ordered a banana split that I know I couldn't finish alone. But, I could always convince Santana to share it with me. Maybe she'd like to share her piece of chocolate cake too. It looked so inviting that I swear I could see a devilish smirk at the back of Santana's mind.
"Want some?" Santana looked at me straight in the eye. We were seated by the window booth that made us observe all the people walking by. She was now holding a fork between us as she held it higher. She moved it forward to me a little bit.
I bit my lip and smiled sheepishly as I leaned in and took it. Just as expected, it was pure heaven. Dark chocolate with the moistest cake I've ever tasted.
"Oh. My. God." I said as I swallowed. "That was hella delicious!"
"Mhm." Santana nodded as she took her own bite. Then, she smiled at me with her teeth showing. I burst in laughter as her chocolate filled teeth came on full display. "What? Do I have something on my face?" She asked as innocently as she could. She took another bite and smiled at me again, this time it was much bigger and much... chocolatier?
"Oh, gosh. Stop!" I could not help but laugh at what she was doing. Then she cleaned it off using her tongue and snickered. "You're unbelievable." Then we laughed again so hard that a few people turned their heads toward us.
"I think disgusting is the more fitting word." She chuckled.
I shook my head and laugh. "No, no you were not. You're just..." I sighed and cleared my throat. "Thank you."
She bit her lip again. "We all deserve a good laugh." She offered a small smile which I returned immediately.
"Hey, it would only be fair if you share this split with me." I offered as I pushed the bowl between us.
"Much obliged." She said as she took a spoonful of the banana split. "So, where's your dad by the way?"
"Oh, he has some kind of boys night out."
"Can I ask you something?" She asked cautiously and looked away.
"Go for it." I leaned back comfortably in my chair.
"How did... why are you here really? The first time we met, you mentioned you wanted to get out of here. Why did you choose to be with your dad then?"
"Look, Santana..." I sighed and lowered my voice. I leaned forward again and looked outside. "I have a very complicated family."
"I kinda get that." She nodded.
"Well, let's just say that my mom couldn't really cope that well with everything that has happened so that's why they thought that she's not capable of being a mother to me as of the moment."
She nodded. "So, where do you want to go after you graduate?"
"I don't know yet. All I'm certain is I want to be as far away from both of them as possible."
"Do you really hate them that much?"
Her question halted my thoughts. Hate? I wondered if that's what I felt but maybe it's too strong of a word to even call it that. "I don't hate them." I said slowly. "I just couldn't stand the idea of being with them and seeing everything as a lie."
"A lie? What do you mean?"
Just as I was about to answer my phone rang. "It's dad." I said to her. She understood and nodded as we immediately paid the bills and left. I told my dad that I was with her and that we were on our way home. He sounded calm as usual and told me that he'll just leave the lights on and hit the bed.
I didn't realize that we were out that late.
Weeks Later
Lima, Ohio wasn't part of some kind of plan, that I'm sure. The longer I'm in here, the longer I wanted to get away as far as possible. But, what made my stay in here bearable was the fact that Santana and a few other kids supported and accepted a new and senior kid like me. Quinn was finally able to persuade me to pay a visit in their glee club and surprisingly it wasn't so bad at all. Mr. Schue, their teacher or coach, took me in after Santana convinced him that I could help Mike with the choreography. She didn't even ask if I wanted to join, but as I've said, it wasn't so bad after all.
So, here we were preparing or goofing around for some kind of contest that will happen in a month.
"Okay, so it's step right then back then close then open and turn..." I was standing beside Mike as we try different steps to add to the performance. I tried listening to him as I felt a pair of eyes watching me closely.
I caught her and we had this short staring contest until I mouthed 'what' to her.
She just smirked and shook her head.
I looked back at Mike and asked him politely to repeat what he just did. Mike loved dancing so every time I asked him to do something related to dance, I swear he'd repeat it over and over without any complaint.
"Alright! I think that's it for today." Mr. Schue clapped his hands to snap us out of what we were all doing. We went back to our seats as he made a few more reminders and tasks. I took my normal seat beside Santana.
"What?" I asked her again.
"What what?" She asked me back.
"Why were you looking at me earlier? Did you want something?"
"Oh, I was just admiring how good Mike was with his... dancing and all." She shrugged.
"First of all, you're so bad at lying." I said and moved my chair closer to her. "Secondly, I know you were watching me and not Mike."
"And I don't see any problem with that."
"So you were watching me."
She looked at me slightly then shrugged. "You are a very talented dancer, I was just admiring your moves."
"My moves huh?" I teased. "Sure."
She chuckled as she shook her head. She then tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear which I found totally adorable. "Hey, do you have any plans tonight?"
"Hm, yeah." I nodded and looked up as I said the list of things I'd probably do. "Dinner, maybe watch TV with dad, read a little if I'm in the mood, brush my teeth, wash my face then go to bed."
"Huh, you seemed to have like a very interesting Friday night." She said sarcastically.
I laughed then looked at her as the bell rang. We rushed out of the choir room and hit the lockers. Santana met me up again by my locker and asked, "Really though, what are you doing tonight?"
"I told you already." I chuckled.
"Well, are you open with some change of plans?"
"What kind? Because if that involves a party you already know what my answer would be." I sighed then closed my locker and walked towards the exit of the building with her.
"Nope, I know. Don't worry though because it involves a sleepover, dinner which is completely homemade and tons of movies that we could watch."
"Hm, now that sounds interesting." I smirked at her.
"Yeah, my dad's probably working late and I don't want to be home alone tonight though I'm used to it by now so..."
"Alright, I'm in. One little problem though."
"What is it?" She asked.
"My dad."
"Oh, don't worry. I think I built a kinda good rep. I'll take care of it."
"So much confidence in you, Lopez." I quirked a brow at her.
She smirked her ever so confident and defying smirk at me and said, "Have you met me? I'm awesome." She mocked me with the same words I used to her months ago. "Come on. I still have some convincing to do." Santana took my hands and started dragging me across the parking lot. Quinn and a few other kids from glee stared at us as we came closer to Santana's car. "Are you uncomfortable?" She asked quietly so that only I could hear.
"With this?" I lifted our linked hands together. "If I care and actually give fucks about what people might say, I'd probably be dead by now." I chuckled as I gave her hand a little tug.
"Good." She said as we both slid in the car and went directly to our house.
As usual, Santana talked with my dad so smoothly. My dad was so reluctant at first but I reminded him that it wasn't the first time I'd be sleeping over at San's house. He later caved in and reminded us with his strictly no boys policy. I held back a scoff and I was sure Santana did too. I mean not that I wasn't interested in boys but the idea of dating anyone right now wasn't even a priority except...
"That went well." Santana brought me out of my thoughts as we made our way back to her car after gathering a few things from my room.
"Yeah." I breathed out and gave her a small smile.
"So, do you want to get some snacks for the movie marathon later or do you have any particular cravings?"
I thought about it as we drove off. "Hm, nope. I don't really have anything in mind. Anything you like is fine."
"Last night I was craving for some greasy cheeseburger but since I promised you a home cooked meal, then that's what we're having for dinner. If there's anything more we want after then we can always go out and get it."
"Yeah, I guess we can do that." I agreed with her.
We were already on their driveway after a few minutes. But as she slowed down, I noticed the change in her features. She somehow grew... tense.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked cautiously.
She parked the car and turned the engine off before answering me. "No." She gave me a convincing smile but I knew that it's just her way of making me not worry about stuff. "There's nothing wrong." She assured me further as we gathered our bags and went to her house.
It was as marvelous as I could remember. Everything was so posh that I got that feeling again that I don't belong in such a place.
Santana led me upstairs to her room to drop off our bags. We talked and hangout for a bit until we decided to check on what her aunt made for supper.
"Oh, Brittany dear..." Her aunt's face lit up upon seeing me behind Santana. "I knew you'd be back." She gave me a motherly hug which took me by surprise.
"Hey Tia, it smells good in here. Did you cook something special tonight?" Santana said as she took a seat behind the island counter. I followed her and sat beside her as we both watch her aunt busy herself stirring something up.
"I requested your favorite." We were both caught off guard when another voice answered. Santana rolled her eyes before sighing. I turned halfway to look at where the voice came. There was this tall tan man standing by the doorway of the kitchen, he wore a white long sleeves with its sleeves folded up to his elbow paired with a black slacks.
"Dad." She muttered under her breath.
"Hello, mija." He said in a deep, tired voice. He stepped closer to us as he placed his hand on Santana's shoulder and gave her a kiss behind her head. I found the gesture sweet.
"Oh, Ricky, this is Brittany. She's Santana's lovely friend." Her aunt took the pleasure introducing me since Santana was a bit off upon hearing her dad.
Her dad then turned to me and smiled genuinely. I saw the exhaustion in his eyes. "Hello, dear. I'm Ricardo but you can call me Ric."
"Nice to meet you, Ric."
"I hope you're staying for dinner, Brittany."
"I invited her. She's spending the night." Santana coldly replied.
"Is that so?" Santana's dad stepped back and clasped his hands. "Very well. I'll be in my studies. Please call me when dinner's ready." With that he disappeared as Santana's aunt continued to busy herself with cooking.
"Hey..." I nudged Santana's knee using my own. "You okay?"
She turned to me and nodded. "Yeah, I just didn't expect that he'd be home." She sighed. "He practically lives in the hospital. I'm surprised he could still find his way back here."
"Santana..." Her aunt's voice cut in. "You know why."
"Oh, I know." She said sarcastically. "Come on, Britt. Let's set the table or whatever." Santana then dragged me to another room.
I wanted to ask more questions but opted not to. I didn't want to push her. If there's one thing I learned about our friendship, it's that never to push someone to open up if that person isn't ready. So that's what I'd do, be patient as she was with me.
After half an hour the four of us were seated in the dining room. Ric was seated at the head of the table, I was beside Santana and Santana's aunt was opposite her. The adults were having a conversation of their own as Santana and I also talked about different stuff. It was somehow comfortable though unexpected.
"So, Brittany... we've known a bit of Santana's friends and it seems that it's the first time I've met you." Her dad turned to me as both Santana and I stopped eating.
"Oh - " I was about to answer when Santana cut me off.
"She has just moved here from LA."
"Oh wow. That's... interesting." Ric cleared his throat. I knew where this was headed.
"Yeah, I'm living with my dad now." I answered for myself instead of letting Santana do all the talking. "I-I think you know him. He's Bryan."
Oddly, Santana's father seemed curious at first but then his eyes bulged as if he realized something. "Bryan?"
"Yeah, Bryan Pierce." I mumbled.
"W-Wait, he has... oh goodness, I didn't know he has a kid. Oh, that sneaky man." He chuckled. "I-I'm sorry. Excuse my manners." Ric said politely. "It's just that, we've known each other for years. Actually we went to the same elementary and high school together. I always thought that he's happy to be a bachelor. A-and what about your mother? Is she from here too?"
"Yes, her name's Susan but she doesn't live here. She's back in LA." I was growing more and more uncomfortable the more we talked.
"Susan? As in Whitney Susan Blake?"
"Y-yeah, how'd you know her?" I was dumbfounded. I didn't know that someone could still remember my mom around here.
"Didn't she tell you? We were like in a pact. Your dad, mom and me... we made quite a team. Your mom and dad were friends even before I met them. I never expected them to be like... a couple. They made it seem that everything was just pure friendship between them."
"Um, it's kind of complicated." I said in a lower tone.
Santana must've sensed my discomfort because she somehow managed to turn the conversation into something else.
After dinner, Santana rushed me out of the dining room back to her own room. "I'm really sorry. I didn't know that he'd be home." Santana apologized immediately. We took a seat beside each other on her bed. "He can be that nosy sometimes so I'm sorry about that too."
"It's fine. It's not like he interrogated me or something. He just asked me simple questions, San."
"Still, I think he crossed a line or something. Didn't he?"
I shook my head and smiled at how caring she was. "Doesn't matter. Don't worry about it now."
"I just want you to be okay."
"I am fine." I looked at her eyes.
"I want you to be comfortable."
"I am comfortable." I chuckled. "Look, why are you being so... worked up about this?"
"Because..." She sighed. "I don't know." She plopped her body down on the bed and covered her eyes using her arm.
"What is it, really?" I looked down at her. She was quiet for a while. Both of us were starting to get lost in our own thoughts.
"I didn't know your mom's name is Whitney Susan." She was the one to break the silence.
I giggled at that which made her to look up at me with her brows furrowed in confusion. "That's what's bothering you?"
She sat back up and faced me. "There are a lot of things bothering me and one of them is you."
"What do you mean?"
"We've known each other for months now. It seems like we know some of the deep stuff about each other and yet we still don't know the basics about each other. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"Yes, I understand." It made sense. Over the past months, we hangout, talk about deep stuff, talk about our real problems, yet we don't really talk about things that should've been brought up as normal friendship usually starts. But I guess that's what made us different, because we don't have that ordinary friendship stuff going.
"It's like I've known you all my life yet some parts of your life are still so foreign to me." She whispered and hang her head low. Her hands started fidgeting on her lap, a nervous habit.
"I feel that too. Trust me. You are what bothers me too." I confessed.
"Why?"
"You know why."
"No, I don't."
I sighed. Maybe she didn't really know why. Maybe I was just making this up all in my head. My mind's a really tricky bastard.
"Enlighten me." She whispered as she took my hand in hers.
"I don't know what it is about you that I find so comforting. When I'm with you I get the feeling that I'm home, you know? That for the first time in years, I can actually let my guards down without getting hurt. And I know that it's too early and it might sound stupid but I think you're my person, you know?"
"Like Christina Yang to Meredith Grey?" She questioned.
"No... more like you and I." I breathed out. I didn't know how to explain it much further so I did what I knew would explain to her clearer what I was really trying to tell her. I moved closer as I fixed my eyes directly on hers. Slowly, I brought my hand up to cup her cheek. "I'm not really good at words, San."
She nodded in understanding as her eyes moved from my eyes down to my lips and back up. I swallowed a lump that formed in my throat as I breathed out a ragged and nervous breath.
"Um... you know -" I tried to calm my nerves down and drag a bit more when I was halted. All my thoughts vanished into thin air when I felt a pair of soft lips on my own. It wasn't anything that I'd expected. There were no fireworks, no butterflies, no rainbows... but there's this warmth, this sincerity and like a voice saying 'welcome home'.
Still missing Naya. I'm still watching her videos, visiting her ig and twitter often.
I really didn't know how to go about this now... any suggestions? Please leave a comment/review. If you also have time, please visit toyochronicles on instagram. Xxx