Ha ha ha ha, updates every week, definitely not months late, ha ha he ho funny jokes
1/17/23 Update: I am a poopyhead and I'm sorry, take these revised chapters as an apology
I do not own the works of Kinoko Nasu
Prologue II
Shinji never wanted a sibling.
It had never bothered him when he was young since he was always up to his ears in books the moment he learned to read. He was far too busy learning all he could about magecraft as the heir to the Matou so worrying about being an only child never crossed his mind. Plus, it was better that way since only one child would take the mantle of family magus so what need was there for two kids anyway?
He had truly never thought about how small his family was before he had left overseas for schooling and it really wasn't until the boy was leaving for England that it hit him. Looking out of the back window from his taxi, Shinji saw the back of his already retreating father and Grandfather's small form which contrasted starkly with the intense look he had.
And then there was the new addition to the household, looking less like a girl brought to tears by the sendoff of her brother and more like a cornered animal, body shakes and all.
Shinji had always raised up his displeasure when he heard that the two had discussed the topic of adopting a child into the family while cooped up in Grandfather's study, obviously not being able to take part in the talks themselves as he was only six himself. His father refused to even dignify his complaints with a response and just ignored him completely, only speaking to him when the man became fed up and chased him out under the threat of disciplining him with one of the many empty glass bottles that seemed to sprout up where ever he was. Grandfather, on the other hand, allowed Shinji to speak his mind so long as the boy understood the relationship between the two of them; when speaking on matters of the Matou name, Shinji was no longer just a grandson but a lowly member under the authority of the head, Matou Zouken.
"As heir of the Matou bloodline, there is no reason that I see for anyone to be added to the family. The only way a child would be beneficial to us is after many years when they can be married off but they wouldn't even share the blood that runs through our veins so what is the point, Grandfather?"
Shinji had asked with what he thought was sound logic but when it came to his grandfather, any inclination that Zouken was being insulted led to the boy being beaten by his walking stick. It had been after Shinji's lessons in Russian and so he knew it would be the best time to bring up his own grievances.
Lessons in the Matou household were less about instructing the student and more insults and berating that were used as fuel to better himself but it was only during these such moments that Shinji was able to speak with his grandfather. The topic seemed to be a rehearsed piece at this point since it was brought up without fail any time the boy could manage to squeeze it in.
Zouken had begun making it back to his study, chuckling as he saw his grandson struggle to keep up.
"Shinji, allow your grandfather the chance of having one other child to call his own. In my old age, any kind of entertainment is welcome so just call this insurance for the future. It will be a good chance for you as well to see how well you will be able to deal with situations you find unsavory."
The last part was tacked on upon seeing the look of discontent on the young boy's face, adding to the old man's mirth. Though underneath the amused look, Shinji sensed that his grandfather was only humoring him and to prolong this exchange would see that thin layer of levity torn away.
It wasn't long before one such child was found.
Sakura was an interesting case, being brought into the fold after a single meeting that Grandfather had with an outside party. The head of the Matou had apparently been in talks for a while about adopting from an outside source but had yet to reach any luck in his search, something that Shinji found odd. Grandfather could definitely be a scary man but for him to be looking for an addition to the family seemed to only be a sign of benevolence and trying to find a child for the past six years and having no success thus far was confusing, to say the least. This search came to an end last year, in 1993, when both the old magus and his father had attended the meeting at the residence of a willing family and had left Shinji in the care of the hired housekeeper and had returned after only a few hours with the girl in tow.
She was cute, having arrived in a red blouse with a black ribbon right below her collar and a white skirt; there was a pink ribbon in her chin-length brown hair that seemed to not match at all with her outfit, as if it was hastily added on as she had left the front door. Or she would have been cute if not for the fact that her eyes seemed glued to the ground and the only sounds from the girl were sniffles and whimpering. Something that only grew to annoy Shinji as she was guided into the manor by Grandfather, his father following close behind with an odd grimace on his face.
The girl was brought into such a prominent family and she dared to act as though it was a great tragedy!
It aggravated Shinji to no end especially since Grandfather had asked him to care for the girl as though she was one of their own, to treat her as a younger sibling. Someone who didn't even understand how lucky she was to be to live as a Matou, the most impressive of the three founding families of whom created the Heaven's Feel ritual and having accomplishments and long-standing history that started centuries before. All that prestige and respect seemed to be wasted on such a foolish child who couldn't let go of the family that had set her aside.
The oddity of those three on the day that Shinji left for London, in both appearance and reaction, seemed to stand out less so than the fact that they were the only ones stood in front of the Matou manor. The house, if you could reduce it to such a title, dwarfed its inhabitants, the multitude of empty windows and the overgrowth seemingly consuming it from all sides only adding to the image that even having residents at all felt off. The place radiated sentiments that Shinji himself couldn't place but his driver had no such problems, "Emptiness and distressing, it gave me the creeps to be honest. Kinda like a haunted house."
London gave him much the same feeling of unease, going to school and interacting with others his age. The style of life of these kids was odder than anything he had ever experienced. Children had lunches made by their mothers and would be picked up from the academy by their fathers every day. Parents took their children out to eat and to the park, for no reason other than their own enjoyment. When asked to make an illustration of their family, Shinji was the only one that stood out, having only one parent and a "ghoul" on either side of him and his sad purple mop. To be honest, Shinji was more perplexed than upset at the reaction since the boy could understand those of the mundane world acting in such a way but even those of magus blood acted the same. The twins, the only children he had been able to stomach as acquaintances due to their own emotional and intellectual maturity though their names had escaped him right now (their last name was Idol-something or other), were the biggest examples, being able to call their busy father from his work in Finland down to London, all to celebrate the end of the first semester. Shinji hadn't even attempted to contact his family during the time he spent away and, as expected, there were no such attempts from them either.
Weak and wasteful, the boy had thought to himself but that didn't stop his doubts.
He had grown up in the manor and had only his father and grandfather around, so he had never come to the conclusion that anything was amiss. His father, while he did drink a lot, spoke to him regularly, once a week without fail, to tear the boy down both physically and mentally. Shinji knew his father wasn't even fit to be called by such a title, but it was better for Shinji this way for him to grow into the ideal magus worthy of the name Matou. Adversity was the best teacher of discipline and anything that Shinji had to shed to reach his goal was worth it, be it comfort or tenderness.
Grandfather was a similar yet infinitely different case in the ways that he taught and cared for Shinji, acting as both family and magus. The man welcomed Shinji's thirst for knowledge and allowed him access to all the books and grimoires that resided in the Matou library but refused to lend the boy any aid. Matou Zouken had become such a well-known and feared magus by his own making and as such, the wizened family head expected the same from all his brood. He never shied away from a chance to tear Shinji down either, almost seeming to take joy in the circumstance. The boy would've thought that was the case if not for the fact that Grandfather did the same to Byakuya except there was no emotion in his voice other than disapproval.
Shinji took solace in that fact, that he was worth being guided in the eyes of his grandfather.
Any feeling of annoyance that the boy had with Sakura when she had first joined the family had been dulled down by the time he had left for London but that wasn't to say that he was over it. Shinji had just been able to work it off by taking it out on the girl herself. If he was going to be her big brother, shouldn't he be able to mess with her as family does? Any way he could inconvenience her he did, taunting her, insulting her previous family, and pushing her around a bit. Emulating the other two in the family seemed to be the best bet in hurting the girl's feelings since if it worked on him, it'll work on her too.
This, however, changed after his return from London. Shinji had learned a lot in his time there and not all of it was from books. The boy regretted his actions from when Sakura had first joined his family, seeing how all the kids there had such strong connections to their siblings and Shinji didn't even know her favorite color. It was foolish to even think that he could be a good heir to the family when he couldn't even care for those relying on him. The girl needed him to be there for her and he had to stop being so childish.
Or at least, that's what he had thought at the time.
He really was just a damn blind idiot.
March 1st 1994
Shinji knew he was dreaming, it was the only way that what he was experiencing could be possible.
"Nii-san, what is it? You will be in trouble if Grandfather finds you here. Just leave now, please."
Shinji had heard those exact words from the girl in front of her room last night when he had tried to talk to her to at least attempt at getting a new start on their relationship as brother and sister. Only he already knew how this would end and couldn't do a thing to change it, seeing as he had already lived through this moment. Trapped in his own body, the only thing Shinji could do was watch.
Dream Shinji had been knocking on her door nonstop and now that she had finally opened up, his voice rushed out in an urgent whisper.
"Sakura, please tell me what's going on! Father told me to never disturb you after the lessons but I was worried. And I was right too, you look like you need help."
Shinji wanted to slap himself for saying that. The girl was being forcefully indoctrinated with the Matou magecraft by Grandfather himself and he was offering to help her, not knowing a thing.
The girl's eyes, which had been trained to the floor since she had opened the door, were now blankly staring at him. Only they seemed to be looking through him as if she was studying his soul.
"Need… help? I don't need anything, Nii-san, except for sleep and so do you. Please, go."
At that, Sakura tried to close the door but Dream Shinji had grabbed her wrist before she could put it on the handle.
"Please tell me what I can do. I've never seen you like this the entire time I've been back. I know that I haven't acted like a good brother to you but I want to help you to make up for that."
The pleading coming from his own mouth felt rancid. In what way could he have done anything? In what way could he have stopped this from happening? Shinji had been so clouded by his own delusions, he had never noticed what was right in front of him.
"What does it matter, Nii-san? My desires, my wishes, it's all a waste of time to even think about. I don't need any more lessons to teach me that it is hopeless to go back to how it used to be."
Sakura's eyes had sharpened the moment that he had seized her and had shaken off his hold, betraying any masked emotions that she tried to hide with the gentle way that she spoke. It had been the first time Shinji had ever heard Sakura use an emotion other than sadness and apathy, the girl finally speaking her mind rather than just allowing the world to push her around.
The boy couldn't help but feel that it had come too late.
"Sakura, wha-?"
Sakura had already started closing the door but had left the boy with one parting murmur.
"I wish I was never part of this family, Shinji. I wish I was back with my own. What can you do about that?"
It was those words that had jumpstarted Shinji in his efforts to make Sakura feel welcome but now he didn't know what to do. Everything seemingly made sense now but at the same time being lied to for this long by everyone around him left the boy wondering what else was going to end up tricking him. Everything he had done was in order to take his place as the heir of the Matou and to learn that it had all been stripped away by an outsider, someone who never even wanted such a thing, broke something inside Shinji.
He wanted to hate Sakura, he wanted to blame her for everything she had taken, for everything bad that had ever happened to him. But he couldn't, not yet. Not when he was yet to understand this fully. He wantedneeded to hear it from Grandfather and Sakura themselves.
Shinji would never allow anyone to control him in such a way ever again.
Shinji's eyes cracked open at the sound of footsteps and murmuring and then winced, shutting them once more. His eyes felt like they were being stabbed through into his brain and any attempts to blink away the murkiness of sleep only worsened the pain. After a few seconds, his vision stopped swimming and the boy was able to get a bearing on his surroundings, even as the pain remained. Shinji opened his eyes.
And nothing changed, it was pitch black.
Frantically rubbing at his eyes, the boy found that there was a cloth bandage over them. Taking it off and placing it on the bed finally eased any worries that Shinji had about being blinded and he was able to answer some questions.
He was in his room, lain on the bed over the covers; the moonlight spilling through the curtains and gently illuminating the door to the hallway. Shinji smiled softly; it had only been a few hours since he had passed out so no need to worry abo-
The boy jumped to his feet, there was no time to rest easy, not when he was lied to, not when he was wronged. Shinji ran to the door, intent on marching to Grandfather's study and demanding to get answers, only to stop when he noticed something haunting.
He cast no shadow.
Shinji stood in front of the door and saw no shadow breaking through the moonlight. He tried to make sense of this insanity and even pinched himself, sure enough, this was real life and not a dream.
Shinji flicked on the light switch near the door and to his dismay, the light from the full moon still shone just as brightly on the door even with the light on. The boy was about to start hyperventilating when he realized two things.
One, there wasn't supposed to be a full moon tonight, it was a new moon.
Two, the sounds that had awoken him hadn't stopped.
The sound of a chair being knocked over rang through the room and Shinji finally was aware of what was happening.
"I never wanted to be a magus, Byakuya! Believe me, if I could I'd switch places with you. Make it so that you'd be the one who has to deal with the old bastard!"
"I don't give a damn! You got everything necessary to get him off of both our asses and now you're just going to run away? When all you have to do is just follow Zouken for only a few more years? You are a bigger fool than I thought, Kariya. That world is no place for people like us."
There were two men, illuminated by the moon, heatedly arguing with each other to the point that furniture was being tossed around.
"There you go parroting the same bullshit that old worm spews out, just like clockwork! I wonder, have you ever spent a day without his hand up your ass, a single damn moment without being that bastard's puppet? Because it sure as hell doesn't seem like it!"
"Like what you're doing is any better, Kariya! You really think that leaving Fuyuki will work? That you'll find whatever fantasy you cooked up in that simple-minded head of yours? Running away from this place, from all your problems, like it changes a damn thing. At least I'm not lying to myself, I know damn well that I can't leave this hellhole. I know that this is the only kind of life we can have. Not like you, acting as though you're leaving for yourself and not just because you can't stand the sight of Zenjou in another man's arms. You know just as well as I do, the two of you being together would only bring misery."
"Of course, I understand that, you fucking-" The younger of the two cut himself off and he angrily wiped a hand over his face. "I'm just trying to do the noble thing by walking away. Aoi's happiness is more important than anything else."
"Noble... If that's what you want to call it, sure."
The younger man's, Kariya, eyes burned but he did nothing more than set his jaw and looked away. Byakuya, his father as it were who looked a lifetime younger, let out a deep sigh as the tension bled out of his body.
"Then just leave, Kariya. You have your excuse and that wrinkled sadist said he doesn't give a damn what you do so long as get out of here and never come back. You don't want to deal with this, fine, do what you want. I can't stop you."
And with those words, any fire from either man died out, the two looking more defeated than defiant.
"Fine, just… just if you ever get that stick out of your ass and you change your mind, let me know. I'll- I'll leave this here if you ever want to reach me." The younger teenager swallowed thickly, eyes flitting back to Byakuya. "If it's you or Aoi, I'd... I'll hear you out if I get a call."
Kariya, who had looked young enough to still be in high school when he was screaming, seemed to have aged by ten years as he uttered that final statement, pain apparent in his expression by the absence of any reaction from the older teenager. With a dismissive shake of his head, he pulled out a small piece of paper from his pocket and tossed it onto the bedside table.
Both men were around the same age and only seemed to be teenagers at that, though Shinji had never heard about the man from his father. Granted, Byakuya never really did talk about his past, the only snippets the boy was able to get came from his drunken murmurs.
The way that the two men bickered seemed to be like family but Father had never told him that he had an uncle. That name though, Kariya. It was the same as what Shinji had heard before he had lost control and had passed out.
Kariya grabbed his backpack off the ground and shouldered it, leaving the room without looking back. Byakuya spat and grabbed the chair that had fallen over, sitting in it with his head down.
"If you're running away, don't half-ass it, you goddamn idiot. Forget about us and everyone in this wretched city…"
At that moment, the moon's glow faded and the room was only illuminated by the ceiling light. Shinji's father was gone, the door that had been open when Kariya had left was still closed, and everything was as it was supposed to be.
For one moment and then it began.
Shinji ran.
He ran down the stairs and through the foyer out the front door, as fast as he could.
He had to get out of here, there were too many voices, too many ghosts, and it hurt. It hurt. It hurt. it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, why won't it stop please God stop it it hurtsimbeggingithurtithutspleasestopstopstopstopstop
Shinji had no idea how long he had run for but it was only when it burning pain in his head had weakened to a dull but constant ache, that he realized that he wasn't moving anymore.
He had run for so long and so hard that his body had just given out. Shinji stumbled over himself and faceplanted, too weak to even use his arms to soften the blow. Feeling the cool, almost black grass against his face calmed the boy as he gasped for air and tried to slowly calm down.
"What… was all... that?"
It had all felt so real and he could still hear the voices echoing in his head. It had felt like tuning into a phone call that was connected to an entire city's worth of people, all have conversations on their own. There had been so many coming from all sides of him in the manor that he could barely think but Shinji knew that he recognized his father and grandfather's above all.
Grandfather's voice was the one that seemed to have come from everywhere and he had heard it the most.
Now that he had stopped in the middle of nowhere, it seemed to have stopped. The boy's wheezing was the only sound that could be heard throughout the clearing. Of his five senses, nothing was tricking him anymore, though he still wasn't at ease. Even trying to relax was impossible, the world around Shinji seemed to feel just as sickly as he felt inside.
He had tried to ignore it as he was fleeing but everywhere that Shinji had looked, he had seen the same kind of vision that seemed to distort reality.
But that was it, wasn't it? Visions.
Shinji had been too distracted in the Matou basement to understand what was happening to him but now he's was slowly beginning to piece things together. He had his first vision down there and now the boy seemed to be plagued by the things. But really all that wasn't what was on his mind right now; what had to have changed in Shinji to have these things happen?
That was the question that he wanted most answered and Shinji wanted to hope. He wanted to blissfully believe that because he could see these things, he could become the magus that he had always dreamed of and be someone Grandfather would be proud of. But that was just wishful thinking.
After being told to his face that he could never perform magecraft and violently convinced that he could never amount to anything, it was foolish to hope.
And even now, the boy could feel the world around him shifting, the stretch of empty grass being replaced with flames and debris.
Even now, he could hear bloodcurdling wails all around him.
It was lunacy, absolute lunacy, yet he couldn't even be bothered by it anymore.
After what had happened and what he had seen, it really wasn't unbelievable that Shinji was still dreaming or had gone completely insane.
Who's to say that he even left the basement?
Shinji giggled to himself at that thought, the pain in his head only adding to his mirth and causing the boy to roll around in a fit of hilarity. He poked his back on something sharp but paid it no mind.
Shaking off the grass from his body, Shinji gazed up at the black-rimmed hole in the sky that was spewing out black mud with a rueful grin.
"Ah, I really might be crazy, huh? It would explain things."
"You aren't. At least not yet, I hope."
A white-haired woman with red eyes came into view, standing right next to Shinji's head, startling the boy.
"Huh, what, who… who are you?"
The boy was completely taken aback at this woman's sudden arrival since he hadn't been aware of her right until she had spoken. Which was odd since he had been on edge ever since he had woken up but now that she was here, he noted her odd appearance.
Shinji could safely say that this was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. She seemed to be a foreigner, with a snow-white complexion and striking red eyes. Her clothing was only a form-hugging black dress with red frills and lace for contrast and she didn't appear to be wearing anything else. No socks, shoes, accessories, or anything and oddly enough, she smelled of fire. The heady scent of smoke washed over the clearing the moment he made the realization, clouding the boy's already overtaxed mind. The woman seemed to be amused, patiently waiting for Shinji to finish his assessment before adding anything on. The grin on her face looked genuine but after everything that the boy had been through, he was wary.
"I'll answer your first question first, Matou Shinji, you aren't crazy. It really would ruin my fun if you were."
"How do you know who I am?" Shinji all but yelled out the question, eyes scanning left and right for any signs of danger that came with the woman. "How do you know that?"
Any sort of calm feeling the boy had from before evaporated and a sense of dread replaced it.
The stranger's grin deepened and the gleam in her eyes turned malevolent. "When it comes to matters of the Holy Grail and the Heaven's Feel ritual, there is nothing that I am unaware of, wormsbrood."
"The Fourth Holy Grail War ended over a month ago! There's no reason for there to be any magus here other than those from Fuyuki! Who are you?"
Shinji had gone through a lot in the past couple of hours and frankly, the boy was tired of being caught on the backfoot every single time. The fear that he had originally simmered and bubbled till he felt that he would explode, pure anger being his only outlet.
Finding the jagged piece of glass that he had rolled over earlier, Shinji jumped to his feet and pointed it up at his enemy.
The action only seemed to amuse the mysterious woman further, mirth evident in her voice as she replied. "Hoh, it seems that your blood isn't only just cowards after all, Makiri."
"Talk! Or I'll- I'll stab you!"
The woman laughed haughtily and spread her arms, gesturing around the two of them.
"Have you not realized where we are, Shinji?" Her bell-like voice washed over the boy, melodious and soothing with a drop of venom. "Why is it that you were pulled here out of anywhere in Fuyuki, hmmm? Think hard about it, I know you're a smart boy."
Shinji's head whipped around searching for something, anything to understand what this woman was talking about. His head was still all mixed up from earlier so even glancing at all the made-up fire and destruction made his eyes burn but he ignored the pain.
There was nothing around them other than what his brain had cooked up as hallucinations; the screams, the blackened mud, the bodies, the growing flames.
"Wait, I don't remember seeing bod-"
The boy let out a choked gasp as dozens of the scatted masses he had dismissed as debris, now that he was really looking at them, were bodies. Men, women, children all strewn about, bleeding and burning, all on the verge of death.
All these people... and a huge fire?
Shinji flinched as it finally struck him and turned back to her, aghast. It made sense why he thought the space around him felt off earlier, why he was surrounded by so much destruction and pain; the death of hundreds occurred on this very spot. And all this filthy, negative energy seemed to stem from this woman…
"This is ground zero for the end of the war…" The boy whispered aloud before slowly meeting the woman's red-eyed gaze. "Is that why you are here? Did… were you one of the people who died here?"
"No, not here and not really. Death is hardly ever the end for women like me." She giggled softly, as though the nonsense she spouted was some sort of inside joke. "This place is filled with regrets, fitting for such a vile ritual that only leaves such unsavory things behind. No, Matou Shinji, I am what was left behind." The woman grinned wryly. "After all, a cracked cup has no real use."
With seemingly false annoyance, she shrugged her shoulders and moved directly in front of him. The woman crouched down to Shinji's eye level and he would have jumped away but there was something in the way that she looked at him that kept him from running. She reached forwards and caressed his cheek, almost lovingly with a somber look in her eyes.
"Children are now being dragged into this, what were the three of us thinking?"
Shinji tried to speak but found that he couldn't. The woman was incredibly dangerous but he couldn't help but allow her this one concession. It felt as though rejecting her in any way was impossible. As if his soul itself refused.
She let out a sigh. "But it seems the two of us were the ones truly at fault, Makiri. The Old Man was right about us."
The woman stood back up and the grin returned to her face.
"Know this, Matou Shinji, the grail wishes to be whole once more. All those that have been sacrificed yearn to have their wish granted and to be free of their worldly regrets. The specters of the grail will quietly wait no longer, rebirth is inevitable."
With that being said, the woman turned and walked away. After each step she took, the woman grew more and more transparent and after seven steps, she was gone. The gentle breeze carried the scent of fire and one final parting phrase to the boy.
"Start getting used to ghosts, Matou Shinji. You of all people must…"
The world shifted once more, back to the normal new moon sky and the peaceful grassy field.
And Shinji was once again left with more questions than answers.
March 2nd 1994
By the time Shinji had returned to the Matou manor, it was three in the morning and the previous day had now shifted to the next. The fact that the boy had run to Shinto without stopping was an incredible feat but at this point, Shinji was too tired to care about his own accomplishments. There had been multiple times throughout his walk back home, the boy had thought he was being watched or followed but he found he couldn't care. He was dead tired and was already having the worst day of his life, there really wasn't much more that could sour his mood.
That only reminded Shinji of his own anger and how he had been wronged by every single person he called family. He had spent the whole day being tricked and confused; he was done dealing with any of that without having his own demands met. He needed to hear from Grandfather himself what the hell was going on.
Shinji walked through the gates and past the fountain, listening all around him. The sounds of the crest worms in the bushes and throughout the lawn might seem disgusting to most but the soft chittering of the insects calmed the boy's mind with familiarity. It worked like white noise and numbed the boy's mind, leaving nothing but that dull hum. Shinji focused on that sound as he walked through the front door.
Grandfather was in his study as usual and if Shinji was as angry as he was earlier, he would have slammed open the door, devoid of any pleasantries or manners. But he had a cool head now and he knew exactly how to keep it that way. Shinji knocked on the door.
"Grandfather, may I speak with you?"
"Enter."
Shinji opened the door and stepped inside.
The study was a room that had only ever been owned by Matou Zouken and as such was as aged as the man himself. Various one-of-a-kind tomes and long-forgotten grimoires resided in these four corners, the wealth of forbidden knowledge more than almost any other place in the world.
Zouken himself had not reacted to the boy's arrival, not once looking up from the numerous texts that littered his desk. Shinji knew he had noticed him, seeing as the door behind him shut by itself the moment he had walked through.
"Well, boy, out with it. Let me hear your sniveling complaints and childish tantrums."
Grandfather had never minced words with anyone but the fact he was speaking so harshly to the boy, did hurt. Shinji walked up to the desk where the old magus sat and bowed.
"Were you ever going to tell me? Or were you only going to play me like a fool as long as you could?"
"No one ever told you of this side of the world, you only put that idea into your own head and as long as you had followed what we asked of you, there wouldn't have been a need to address it." The elder's tone was disinterested, almost overly so. "If you wanted to play at being a magus, who was I to stop you?"
He was making fun of him, egging him on but Shinji sensed the challenge that was underneath the old magus' grin.
"You told me yourself, Grandfather, a Matou is a scholar first, magus second. I only followed your own teachings."
"So you have." The ancient patriarch chuckled to himself, the harsh rattle echoing softly throughout the large room." I do suppose that keeping you in the dark for this long was more for my own amusement, rather than anything else."
Shinji grasped the side of his head but continued on.
"You had been looking for a child to replace me ever since I was born, right Grandfather? Sakura was chosen for that sole purpose, to become the heir of the Matou."
"Yes, a woman was chosen to be your mother due to her family having a sorcery trait as well as their own unique history but it had not bore fruit, and rather than wasting time with failed projects, she was disposed of and Sakura was substituted."
Shinji raised his head, eyes narrowed as he stared at the magus. "Yet from what little I saw of the basement, it seems as though you are not training the girl as a Matou, are you, Grandfather?"
The centuries-old Matou gave Shinji an odd look before breaking out into a grin and chortling loudly. The boy only stood there waiting for the magus to resume, not in the mood whatsoever.
"Ah, I should know better than to underestimate you, Shinji-kun." Zouken shook his head amusedly. "Yes, the Matou magecraft is not something that girl is suited for and more importantly, completely unnecessary for her purpose. The only thing she needs is to have enough magical energy to support a servant."
"Then why her? Why use the child of Tohsaka when any one child with magic circuits would have worked?"
Shinji had wanted to ask even more about what sort of purpose that Sakura had but he already knew that she was to be used as the Matou combatant in the next Heaven's Feel and knowing anything further than that would only cause the boy to become even more confused. He would piece together any loose threads later when he was able to think on it all alone. For now, Shinji had to know why it had to be her.
The Matou elder raised an eyebrow. "Why the Tohsaka? Because we shared a common interest, they only need one child and we need one. The girl is an excellent specim-"
"I hate it."
"What did you say, Shinji-kun?"
The mirth from Zouken's voice had disappeared and had been replaced with cool indifference. Something that would have ordinarily terrified Shinji to the point of tears but at this point, he was completely fed up.
"If it had been an orphan or someone who had nothing else to lose, I'd be fine with being replaced." The boy grimaced. "I'd understand why I was being replaced. But she is weak, not fit to be a magus or even have a place in this world. The girl hasn't even let go of the Tohsaka that had so easily traded her off to us. Sakura will never see herself as a Matou, so why even bother with her, Grandfather?"
"What does that matter when she is a means to an end, boy? What last name she writes on a paper matters not when the grail is concerned. I would have never thought you to be as sentimental as your foolish uncle."
The boy gritted his teeth. "Does honor and bloodline mean nothing to you anymore, Grandfather? You had told me stories of the glory of the Matou and how our ancestors fought through trial after trial to keep the family in power and yet you'd throw it all away. All that history trashed for your own selfish desires! Have you any pride, Makiri Zouk- ack!"
Shinji had started off in a whisper but had grown in intensity the more he spoke till the end where he was screaming at the top of his lungs. The moment that he had roared out his grandfather's name, the old magus whipped his cane across the boy's face. Shinji was knocked to the ground and when he looked back up, Zouken was standing above him.
"It would be wise to keep in mind your place, boy." The magus' voice never raised in volume yet just hearing him speak with such intensity was enough to make Shinji's whole body shiver uncontrollably. "Just because you are of my blood does not mean that you are free to talk as you please. The hands have the blood of foes as well as my own brood on them, speak in such a manner again and I will not hesitate to dispose of you."
Zouken returned to his seat behind the desk and waited as the boy got his bearings again. Shinji swallowed the blood pooling in his mouth and tried his best to clean any tears from his face. He refused to look weak to anyone anymore though he could tell he was losing hold of his composure.
Shinji clutched his head with both hands.
He couldn't hear the buzzing from the familiars anymore.
"We are done speaking on the matter of Sakura, there is only one other thing that needs to be addressed so do not test me again, Shinji-kun."
"Yes, Grandfather."
Zouken didn't respond immediately, silently studying the boy's form for a moment before returning to meet Shinji's eyes once more. "While you are absolutely useless in the capacity of a magus, it seems as though you have awakened something in yourself. Explain to me what happened before you passed out."
Shinji recounted everything, even after he had woken up and had run out from the manor but left the meeting with the red-eyed woman out. He had no idea who she was or what she had meant and the boy felt as though he was entitled to a few secrets after today. But even telling the man everything wasn't distracting enough as he could hear the voices slowly growing in volume from all around.
"Gr-Grandfa-father, call your familiars. I need to hear… hear them please."
Rather than questioning the odd request, the old magus complied and the walls in the study surrounded the two with buzzing and chitters. Shinji visibly relaxed, letting out labored breaths and holding on to the desk in front of him to steady himself. Zouken surveyed the boy before nodding to himself and grabbing an aged leather-bound book from the inside of his desk.
"Witnessing that fool's struggles during the Fourth Heaven's Feel like that... It seems as though you are quite special, Shinji-kun, being more worthy to our ancestors, the Zolgen than any other. All of that nonsense about honor and lineage must resonate well with your soul if you truly have taken after them."
Despite his own state of current faintness, Shinji cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean, Grandfather?"
The book was flipped around to face Shinji and the boy studied it, not at all surprised by the Russian handwriting.
"Demon hunters of old, the perception of the Reverse side of the world as тот свет, psychics known as Свечи or candles." It was all interesting information but Shinji couldn't understand what this had to do with his weird eyes. He turned back Zouken even more confused than before. "What is all this, Grandfather?"
"That blood that you so cherish has a history that almost none are aware of. As you know our family name wasn't always Matou, it used to be Makiri but even before that back when I was young, we were still known as the Zolgen. Back far before I was born, in the times of the early Slavic tribes when our homeland was known as Rus', our family was a clan of warriors that fought against the supernatural. There was no magecraft in early Russia so many fell victim to evil spirits and demi-humans and it was only those blessed by Guardian Spirits that were safe. The Zolgen were not one of those so lucky. Our ancestors instead depended on their own instincts and willpower to take down phantasmals and spirits, skills fostered by necessity rather than a desire to combat such vile creatures. By continuing to fight and grow, the Zolgen became powerful psychics that were able to kill demons and even werewolves with such efficiency and ferocity that the beasts themselves were said to fear ones of our blood."
Once again, really cool and interesting. He still wasn't all that convinced. "You think I am capable of things like that, Grandfather? Really?"
"Whether or not I believe doesn't matter", The family head closed the book and set it on the desk, "I am almost certain that there was far much embellishing in the stories of old to put any stock in them. Humans are a weak breed, the thought that anything could be frightened by the abilities of a long-forgotten sect of this bloodline is laughable. If such a thing were truly the case, you wouldn't be the sole inheritor of this..." Zouken paused for a moment, eyeing Shinji curiously before shaking his head with a scoff, "certain affliction. Until this occurrence, I had never witnessed a single child who displayed the same qualities as those baseless folk tales though questioning as to why matters not anymore, I suppose. Those stories served their purpose as a rudimentary explanation of how the Zolen magecraft came to be and should be treated as such, whether or not there is any validity to the claims." The wizened magus' yellow eyes fell on the boy once more. "The only thing I am sure of is that you are a psychic, boy. Your eyes prove it."
Shinji was bewildered; he had expected that there was something unordinary that had happened to him but this was completely insane. Psychics, the boy had thought that something like that was just parlor tricks or just good at guessing the future but powers that humans had without the help of the supernatural was mind-blowing. The boy recognized the irony of acknowledging magic and magecraft existed and not believing the same of ESP but he had at least seen magecraft with his own two eyes.
The boy shook his head and refocused on the topic at hand. "What about my eyes, the visions that I see?"
"I would have thought that it was just a simple case of you having some sort of mystic eyes but yours is more complicated than that, with your lack of usable magic circuits. I cannot place it myself but I am at least knowledgeable in the term that they refer to when addressing those that do not fall under normal conventions; Pure Eyes, the ability to see that which normally cannot be seen."
"Pure… Eyes..."
Shinji almost wanted to cry, not because he had some cool new power but because he finally heard something today that was good. After all the terrible things that he had experienced, he could finally take comfort in that fact.
"I understood what your eyes were once you had asked to hear the worms that I keep throughout the manor, though it seems you cannot control it. When the power takes hold, you must either watch or distract yourself to clear your mind of the impulse, is that right?"
"Yes, the sounds of your familiars are ones I have heard all my life. They are the only way that I have found that can mask the visions, other than running away."
With that, the room went silent by its inhabitants and the only sounds came from walls. It had seemed that it was over, for the time being; the two had nothing more to discuss.
"That journal is an account of my personal research regarding the origin of the Matou magecraft and supposed psychic roots. You may take it with you, Shinji-kun. I no longer have need for such a thing." Zouken turned away from the boy, eyes returning to his desk covered with books and scrolls. "I will look over my private collection to see if there is more here that will aid you. For now, you may leave."
Shinji reached over and grabbed the book, holding it tightly under his left arm before nodding and turning away.
"Wait."
The boy stopped statue still. He was tired, annoyed, in pain, and more than a bit angry at everyone in this house and hardly had the patience for any more surprises but even then Shinji knew better than to let it show. At least not any more than he already had.
It already was a miracle that he'd gotten away with breaking this many rules in one night, testing Zouken in any fashion was just begging for punishment.
"Here." Shinji had barely managed to turn back to face the elder Matou when a vial appeared centimeters away from his face. He almost didn't catch it, fumbling uncoordinatedly in both surprise and panic, and possibly letting out a particularly emasculating squeak before securing the tiny container in his right hand. "That," Zouken spoke without bothering to even look up to address the item in question, "is a rather diluted panacea I brewed a few years ago. Hardly strong enough to do more than aid with the most insignificant of headaches but good enough to clear up the signs of exertion in your eyes." The magus snorted with a shake of his head. "It would hardly do for any of those bothersome pests outside to question you or your fool of a father regarding what caused burst vessels in one as young as you."
It was annoying, how happy this bare-bones expression of concern made Shinji. Both the book and the vial in his hands, gifts that threatened to wash away the frustration, the rage and betrayal that burned so brightly only moments ago. But he bottled it.
The good and bad feelings alike. It wouldn't help him, wouldn't do him any good or convince anyone around him that he was capable, better than they had all previously thought.
Such things were only distractions to his goals. Now, for the sake of his own identity and reason for being, he would contain it all. He would become the Matou Shinji he envisioned, impenetrable and without weakness so something like this could notwouldnot happen ever again.
"Thank you, Grandfather." Shinji bowed once more before turning his back to the man. "Goodnight."
Shinji shut the door to the study and took a moment to lean against it with his eyes closed, his head still pounding and the sounds of the worms chittering around him. It really was calming to the boy, something he was sure applied to only him but even still he had something to thank the old magus for. Grandfather was not a good person, Shinji knew that as well as anyone that had heard of the old magus but Matou Zouken did care for those that he called his own. To the extent that most families loved their kids, no, but to say that he was heartless, Shinji wouldn't dare.
The boy took in a deep breath and opened his eyes, pushing off the wooden surface to head to his room but was roughly shoved back against it the moment he tried.
"Special eyes, huh?" A hand roughly grasped a fistful of hair and pulled it up off the boy's forehead, bloodshot gray-blue eyes staring into his own. "Looks the same as before if you ask me."
Shinji's throat became painfully dry but he managed a paper-thin grin. "Really, eavesdropping? I had thought you were above things like that, Father."
The man scoffed and released his hold, allowing his son to slide back down with a thud.
"Well, if what the old bastard said is true, you'll be the one sticking your nose in a bunch of shit you have no business knowing."
He winced, that was true. Shinji was essentially invading the memories and pasts of his family involuntarily, completely at the whims of his newly awakened eyes."...It's not like I can control it, Father."
"So what?" The man's glare only seemed to intensify at the boy's reserved response. "Is that supposed to make me feel sorry for you?"
Shinji's head snapped back up and he scowled back at the man, eyes falling to the bottle in Byakuya's hand. "Like I care for pity from some drunkard like you!"
The boy then flinched. Even though he was worn out from, well everything, he had just yelled at his father. A man who was the main reason his body was covered in bruises right now. Half credit went to the stone stairs.
He tensed up after the outburst, waiting for the bottle to come down but unexpectedly, the man only laughed.
"All it took was for your dear old grampa to say you have powers and now you suddenly have the balls to talk back." His father shook his head in bitter amusement. "I really thought you would have gotten pissy after that girl was brought here but I guess that was expecting a bit too much from a brown-noser like you."
"You're a decade too old for name-calling, Father." Shinji wasn't exactly sure what a 'brown-noser' was but he was certain it was an insult. "And if you really think I was being passive before this, it wasn't because I was afraid." The boy looked away. "It was because I believed both you and Grandfather. I know now that doing so blindly is a mistake."
"Magus are liars, Shinji. Hell, most people on this god-forsaken rock are liars." Byakuya's grin exuded no warmth. "Just consider yourself lucky you learned that before it was too late."
"Too late?" To be honest, finding out even now seemed like a stab in the back. Shinji couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like if he had known from the start that there was no chance of him becoming a magus. "Like you and Uncle Kariya?"
"Uncle Kariya?" Byakuya threw his head back and laughed even louder than before, unrestrained and even a bit disturbed. The sound echoed through the empty hallways of the manor, drowning out all other noises. "No way in hell that dumbass ever expected to be called uncle by anyone other than that Tohsaka prick's brats."
Shinji opened his mouth to cut in but froze at the mention of Tohsaka, his head ringing at the name.
"Nah, the two of us knew what kind of depraved bastard the old worm was the moment he took our mother away from us. Only after a year and some change for me and barely even a day for the prodigal dumbass, for us to understand the hell we were living in." The man continued despite his son's visible pain, studying the boy with something akin to resignation behind his gaze. "...I made sure never to even have that idiot's name leave my lips ever since he skipped out on us all those years ago. And even still, you know about him, huh?" Byakuya shook his head with a humorless chuckle. "So it wasn't bullshit, you really can see the past."
Shinji pushed himself up off the door and glared up at his father, one hand grasping the side of his head as the pain behind his eyes grew. "Maybe every other Matou is a liar but not me. Just because I found out the truth with Sakura, it doesn't mean I would make something like this up." The sight of his father's sneer only incensed the boy further. "What? I'm not allowed to have pride in the knowledge that these eyes come from our blood, just the same as the Matou magic crest?"
"...Don't think of it as a blessing. If these so-called 'Pure Eyes' came from this family's roots, from whatever vile past the Matou originated from, then it's nothing to be proud of." Byakuya raised the beer bottle to his lips and took a swig. "A curse more like it."
"I'm not going to lis-" Whatever scathing response Shinji had planned to throw at the man died in his throat as he felt an intense, burning pain from his eyes. He wasn't even able to scream out in shock before the wave of agony tore a path from his head to his toes, driving the boy to his hands and knees as he tried to fight back control of his body. The pain was already bad enough from his position on the floor but every time he attempted to move or even look up from the ground, it grew tenfold and Shinji's already shaky consciousness would dim.
He could hear his father say something though if it had been directed to him or just in response to the boy falling to the ground was anyone guess but Shinji was forced to ignore that as his eyes overwrote all his senses and threw him into another vision.
"Really? Are you sure he'd be okay with us coming up with a name for the baby?"
An unfamiliar voice, female, early to mid-twenties, spoke aloud from the other end of the hallway. Shinji tried his best to peek a glance but the moment he turned his head, a white flash of pain arced from behind his eyes and reverberated throughout his body. A choked sound escaped his throat as the wind was forced out of him but the boy tried to ignore the feeling in favor of what was happening around him.
"You know that wrinkled bastard doesn't give a damn about anything other than if the kid has serviceable Magic Circuits. Boy or girl, if it has an extra toe or is missing a kidney, that shit doesn't matter to the old fuc-"
This one was easy to place, even without looking up or the crass language. His father, Matou Byakuya, sounding only a little older than the vision Shinji had witnessed earlier in his room though... notably less morose.
Byakuya was cut off by the crisp sound of skin striking skin.
"OW! The hell was that for?"
The female responded blankly, her flat tone colored with a huff of disapproval.
"Matou-san may not care for the baby but I expect the father of my child to act with more class than that." The woman sighed. "Really now, Byakuya. Joking about if our baby will be disabled and cursing for no reason like that, at least try to be a good role model for the boy."
Shinji froze.
"...Boy? How do you know that?"
"Just a mother's intuition, dear." The woman chided cheerfully. "Now then, we can talk names while shopping for baby supplies. I'm sure I heard there was a sale at that one home goods place in Shinto. You know the place, only three blocks away from City Hall, near that one bar you used to go to."
He pushed. All the boy's remaining strength was thrown into his shaking arms and legs, every last bit of energy in his body fighting back against his mind. He ignored the pain, it didn't matter. Not now.
Not when she was right there.
"Whoa, whoa, wait a second, Mizuki. What do you mean by 'we'? I thought I was supposed to handle that myself and it'd be a pain in the a-" The sound of a throat being cleared was heard. "I mean, I'm sure someone as close to delivery as you should be spending most of your time resting. Not going shopping."
"Nonsense! Tohsaka Aoi handled getting everything for their little girl on her own and she was as big around back then as I am now. My pride as a mother is at stake here and I'm not about to let you screw things up over something as silly as the male ego."
Shinji's body refused but he didn't care. Shinji's eyes burned but he didn't care. Shinji's mind darkened but he didn't care.
He turned his head and looked up.
"That's not- I didn't mean- This has nothing-" Byakuya sputtered for a moment, starting a sentence multiple times before giving up with a sigh. "Whatever you say, Mizuki."
"Then we're off!" It was apparent the woman was grinning from her voice. "Now then, since I want the two of us to be on the same page from the get-go, I'll let you in what I'm thinking. I want our boy's name to speak for him, something that lets others know just what kind of person my son is the moment they hear his name." She nodded to herself and brought up one finger at each trait she introduced. "Proud, probably to a fault. Smart like yours truly, assuredly. Observant, likely overly so. Somewhat broody..." The woman gave Byakuya a sideways look and nodded again, "absolutely. Prone to outbursts of emotion, if he's our son, no doubt."
Only a glimpse, he was only able to catch a glimpse of her though calling it even that would be generous. But it was enough.
Young, that was the first thing that came to Shinji's mind. She barely looked like she was in her twenties, youth apparent by her unblemished skin and bright attitude. To be honest, having someone like Matou Byakuya right beside her, a man who managed to suck the life out of any room he was in with his innate aura of melancholy, made the scene somewhat unbelievable. She seemed to radiate positivity and grace in contrast to the dreary atmosphere the man next to her and the walls around her gave off, a complete juxtaposition at first glance. But the moment Shinji's eyes had fallen on the woman, he understood.
There was a darkness in her, a pain that he didn't quite yet grasp but was more than familiar to the boy. It was the same kind of sorrow he had grown used to seeing in his father every day. The same kind he had felt from Sakura, the night he tried to fix things between them. The same kind he had witnessed from Uncle Kariya, in the snapshots he had witnessed of the Fourth Holy Grail War what seemed a lifetime ago. The same kind that even Grandfather gave off, those rare moments Shinji had caught the old magus in the courtyard, staring at the moon in silence.
The only difference being she seemed to not let it bother her.
He had only been able to see her from the side, just as she was going down the stairs with Byakuya. She was wearing a dark purple, almost blue haori with normal street clothes, a white maternity blouse and navy slacks. Her eyes had been closed though he could see the subtle shadows around them, brow furrowed in thought yet wearing an unburdened, sprightly grin. She was also noticeably pregnant, looking only a month or so away from being due but there was a liveliness in her movements.
Her black hair reached a little past her midback, worn down with two small tresses coming down on each shoulder and the rest on her back. And she was short, standing a full head shorter than Byakuya even with his perpetual slouch, though given her age, there was a chance to add an inch or so to her height.
Or would have been rather.
If she hadn't died.
"I wasn't aware you had already met the brat."
The warm feeling in Shinji's chest was torn to shreds instantly, sobering the boy's mind.
He burned her image into his memory.
Mizuki pointedly ignored her husband's sarcasm. "A name that would tie all those things, something like-"
"-Shinji, damnit! Snap the hell out of it already!"
The world shifted back to the present and a cocktail of intense vertigo and immense pain slammed into the boy at once. For a second, all Shinji could do was writhe on the floor in absolute agony.
And then, nausea hit.
He rolled over to his side and retched, though due to having already thrown up earlier in the day and not eaten a single thing nothing came out. That didn't stop the feeling however and the boy continued to dry heave.
"Urck, gah... Eauhg! Hurg, aug-"
Shinji could hear his father curse under his breath and a subsequent pounding noise but it was hard to focus on that when every single pain receptor was firing and all of his senses were overloaded.
After what seemed like an eternity, his queasiness subsided and the boy was left gasping on the ground, spent completely physically and mentally. There was now a welcome buzzing from all around but before Shinji could truly relax, he felt the beginnings of the same burning sensation behind his eyes once more.
The world flickered again and, as much as Shinji wanted to see his... her again, he knew his body and mind couldn't handle it. So he focused on the blood roaring in his ears, the chirr of crest worms in the walls, and his own labored breathing.
The boy heard his father sigh, most likely in relief that he wouldn't have to keep an eye on a debilitated kid rather than any fatherly feelings, and his eyes shifted to the man's own.
For a moment, all they did was stare at each other. Byakuya stood there still, not blinking and seeming frozen in place, much like Shinji but the boy at least had an excuse for it. Despite that, the man continued to gaze into his eyes, void of all emotion.
Shinji was the first one to break eye contact, blinking and then wincing at the act, and that apparently broke the spell. Byakuya let out a short stilted breath and the man's eyes fell to the ground.
"...Ain't that something?" His father's voice was soft, barely even a whisper. "They change colors, golden-red, just like..."
Even the effort of opening his mouth seemed herculean but he managed a murmur. "...Father?"
"Guess he really did get something from you, he's not just a carbon copy of me like you thought, huh?" The man's frame lost all tension after muttering that to seemingly nobody, glancing back at Shinji with turbulent eyes after a moment of silence. "...Sorry. I-" He seemed to choke on a breath. "I'll-I'll just call it for the night."
Byakuya turned his back to the boy but didn't move. Shinji thought to say something but his mind was still reeling, only able to watch as the man took in a shuddering breath. It only took a moment more for his father to break out of whatever trance he had been in, shaking his head vigorously before stumbling down the hall to his room.
Shinji heard the door to his father's room slam shut but he could barely bring himself to care. He was exhausted, completely and utterly exhausted. There was hardly anything he could do right now other than lie flat on the ground and gasp like a dying fish. Everything in the boy told him to just give in to his fatigue right now and slumber.
It was a pretty attractive thought, passing out on the floor like this, leaving any and all other problems for a well-rested future Shinji to handle. If only...
Shinji smiled despite himself. There was one last thing he had to address, sleep could wait.
The boy rolled over and pushed himself up off the ground, letting out a grunt of both exertion and pain. He stood somewhat shakily and managed a small, honest grin. Even though he was running on fumes, there was still enough in him to do this much.
He half-staggered down the hallway, the crest worms following his every movement and blanketing the area in their ever-present chirring. The distance from Grandfather's study to where the bedrooms were at the other end of the hall, something that would have normally taken the boy seconds to cross, took Shinji a few minutes to traverse.
It didn't bother him as much as he thought it would've. For the first time since he could remember, Shinji was moving at his own pace, controlled by no one and free from anyone else's influence. Besides, it finally gave the boy a chance to take a breather and just focus on putting one foot in front of the other.
The moment of ease didn't last that long but it was enough for Shinji, the boy reaching the part of the hallway where both his and Sakura's rooms were.
Shinji knocked on the girl's door. He didn't have to wait long.
"Nii-san, you're back," A purpleteal eye stared out at him from a crack in the door, "do… do you want to come in?"
"Yeah, let's talk."
There was no sign of the quiet defiance that Shinji had once seen in the girl. She hadn't looked him in the eye other than the instant she had opened the door (after which her gaze stayed glued to the floor) and seemed to only be doing this for the formality rather than a desire to clear the air.
Regardless, the two needed this so Shinji took a seat in front of the pile of stuffed animals he had brought into her room for their playdate.
There was a bit of irony, Shinji noted, in his and Sakura's current situation. In the past, Shinji had come across the girl after her "training" sessions ended and had seen how worn out she was heading back to her room but had never asked her about it. Hadn't even thought twice about it and just ignored her exhaustion, her suffering each and every time. Now, the shoe was on the other foot. Sakura had seen Shinji's no doubt haggard and barely conscious form and didn't even blink.
He had to fight back the urge to break out into an ugly sneer. It was funny, how purposely blind the two of them were to the other's pain.
They were alike in that petty way.
Sakura sat opposite of him, having grabbed the stuffed dog and clutched it to her chest tightly. Shinji was about to start speaking when he realized why she had the dog in the first place.
He reached into his pocket and tightened his fist, biting back a hiss.
"Leave this room, there is no need for assistance anymore."
Shinji's voice countered the noises of the crest worms in the walls and after only a few seconds, the room was completely silent.
"Thank you, Nii-san."
Sakura still held the dog but there was no longer a death grip on its torso. Shinji managed a tight smile despite his own discomfort but shook his head just as soon as it appeared. There wasn't time for any other distractions.
"I know about the "lessons" and everything else from Grandfather. I-I know what you have been through though I couldn't imagine what you've truly experienced." Shinji tried to keep his voice even but his weariness, the mental stress accumulated throughout the day, and the knowledge of what the girl had really been going through over the past year and a half added a tremor to his voice. "I need to hear it from you though, why didn't you tell me what was going on?"
Sakura was already avoiding his eyes but hid further, pulling the dog up to obscure her face. "Grandfather and Uncle forbid me from saying anything. They said that it was useless to tell you anything and if you knew it would only make things harder."
Shinji sighed and looked up at the ceiling.
"They are right, it does complicate things. I know it means nothing in the eyes of those two but," Shinji locked eyes with Sakura, "I do not see you as my sister, let alone a Matou. Not anymore."
Sakura flinched and the boy could hear her murmur an almost soundless "again?", her hold on the dog tightening as she pulled it into a desperate hug.
Shinji continued despite her increasing emotional turmoil. "You do not have what it takes to be the heir of the family and have no drive to even attempt improving yourself to the bare minimum of what it takes to be a magus. But even if you were the model scholar and magus, I could never see you as family."
"Nii... nii-san, why?"
Sakura's eyes, which at first had looked worried and nervous when Shinji had entered the room, now dully shone lifeless and plastic. She had let go of the stuffed dog, letting it fall over, as she gazed blankly into Shinji's eyes as if to say, "you too, Shinji?"
"Because you don't see yourself as a Matou."
Sakura jolted as if rebooting and looked back at Shinji, tentative emotion in her eyes.
"What you said last night, it made me think a lot. You had a family, still do, so wanting to leave here makes sense. You are a Tohsaka, not one of us."
The girl cocked her head to the side, empty eyes lightly colored with confusion. "I am still here as a member of the family, no matter if you feel that I should be here or not, Nii-san. What are you trying to say?"
Shinji glanced at the small alarm clock on Sakura's bedside, 4:12 AM. It had been ten hours since his life had changed forever. There was still so much that he was ignorant to, so much more to learn but at least anything from here on was in his own hands.
"You have no place here, everyone else may have their own ambitions and selfish wishes keeping you here but I don't. My desires are only with the Matou in mind. Even with that nonsense you said about having goals or wishes for yourself is useless, I know that you don't believe it yourself. I am telling you to leave here, forget about us, forget about whatever agreement Grandfather and your father made, and go back to the Tohsaka."
"I-I can't, Nii-san." Sakura's empty eyes fell from his own and she looked away. "I just can't do that..."
Shinji smirked, despite the foolishness of the two of them. Wishes of honor and escape quite fitting for children in a very adult world.
"Then you are weaker than I thought."
The Matou stood up, eyes set on the bowed head of the Tohsaka for a moment longer, then turned away from the girl and walked back to the door. He was halfway out into the hallway when he remembered something important.
Or rather, something that should be treated with importance.
Shinji peeked his head back into the room, startling Sakura from her stupor when he spoke. "Oh yeah, those stuffed animals were meant to be a present with that big dog you're tugging around being the thing that tied it all together. It was supposed to be a surprise." The boy gave a halfhearted attempt at a chuckle but the sound was wooden even to his own ears. "A fat lot of good that did. I was the only one who ended up being blindsided..."
"...a present?" Sakura looked genuinely confused before she jolted in place once more and stared back at him with something close to shock in her empty eyes. "Y-you kne-"
"Happy birthday, Tohsaka Sakura. I hope this makes up for missing it last year." Shinji gave the girl a toothy smile. It felt easier than he had originally thought to fake the gesture. "And sorry, the Matou aren't exactly the cake and candles kind of people."
Shinji closed the door to his room. The long night was finally over, he was finally done. The boy hobbled to his bed, tossing the journal and vial on the nightstand next to him, every aspect of him exhausted past any point he had previously thought possible.
Drip
Drip
Drip
He managed a weak grin. Turns out that pain is a good enough distraction to stop the visions, no bugs necessary. Shinji released the shard of glass that he had clenched in his fist when in Sakura's room, the blood now flowing unrestricted. He grabbed the cloth bandage on the bed and wrapped his wound, savoring his own little victory.
There was still so much for Shinji to prepare for, so many things that the boy had jumbled up in his head but at least now, he was a player in this game.
Holy crap, how about that Rona virus, huh?
My life had been knocked around quite a bit, changing schools, majors, and moving back home but being able to take a breather was nice.
Two months ago.
But all that aside, I am back and while will not promise you an update in such a restrictive time span, just know that I'll be cranking out chapters whenever I can.
Now I'll address my first three reviews,
runelt99: First off, thank you for being the first review and giving me a chance. I'll be honest with you, these first two chapters address a bunch of things and not everything will be clear from the get go. The chapters after will be more digestible, I just needed to put in the groundwork.
rantingbanshee: I understand where most of the FSN community come from when it come to Shinji and really the Matou in general but I wanna take up the challenge to write all the characters in a light where even if their actions are deplorable, you can understand the character behind it. This story will deviate from canon quite a bit but not too much at the beginning.
Mokkel: Well, I'm glad that someone likes this head of seaweed as much as I do. Hope you like what I do with him.
Now let's talk the man of the hour, Shinji. I hope it won't turn you off to the story but Shinji is still going to be Shinji, asshole to many, friend to few. I'll say it straight out here that Shinji and Sakura will not have any sort of illicit relationship, be it how he was in canon (ie. no rape) or just if you wanted the two of them to get together in the end. I will try my best to keep Shinji in character but if you think I dropped the ball and there is no way that he would act that way, let me know. Just keep in mind that Shinji's wishes and ambition in this fic is not exactly the same as in canon.
I gave Shinji a power that very few people in the entirety of Type-Moon possess because I wanted Shinji to stay as human as possible, with no magical bells and whistles like everyone else. I didn't explain it fully here because too much exposition makes for a boring read but you won't be in the dark for too long and hopefully you like what was added. Changes are gonna be prevalent for everyone so look forward to that.
For everyone reading this past 2/_/22, changed a whole shitload with this chapter and every chapter after so please do give this a reread. As for what, well, just by being down here, you probably already know but I'll do a little debrief like I've been doing every chapter after this one.
A kind of minute change I made was Sakura joining the Matou a few months (ballpark estimation given that there are no real dates to go off of) before she did in canon. Using Fate/Zero as reference, Sakura was given to Zouken a year and a fewish days before the 4th Grail War whereas here, I made it fall of 1992. Its an additional few months, with the war having started around February, but it makes more sense since Sakura and Shinji would have some time to interact before Shinji was sent away for a year and just seems a lot more likely than him coming back home and having a new sibling to replace him.
There were a whole lotta additions but most notably were things regarding Shinji's visions during this chapter. I fleshed out the Byakuya Kariya one he has and tried to make it have more depth than just a quick back and forth. I had kinda given Shinji's pops the short end of the stick throughout this story, having him slap his kid around in the first chapter and then being completely absent during this one, something I wanted to rectify with this revision. There are more things at play, more reasons and depth put into the two brothers' interaction; Aoi, Zouken, and their own sibling relationship coming to a breaking point.
Changed a tad with Shinji encountering Irisviel, made it so the visions didn't just randomly stop once he reached Fuyuki's Central Park and added a few more bants between the two. Was mostly changed since I have a better understanding of Shinji and Avenger's characters now that I've written the two of them quite a bit and they're a fun pair to mess around with.
Zouken and Shinji's conversation is largely unchanged, adding only a few observations and more physical reactions; all things that I felt were justified additions since I'm a better writer (at least I'd like to think) now than I was when I first wrote this chapter.
Now for the real new stuff, Byakuya and Shinji's confrontation in the hallway. I'll admit this was just a side effect of both my realization that I actually really love writing the Matou family's interactions even more than I previously thought and the fact that the new interlude features Byakuya's perspective twice, getting my creative juices flowing even more for the guy. This addition serves to show how Shinji's attitude toward his father changes from the first chapter, being quailed completely and almost completely obedient, to how he is to the man during chapter three, still addressing him with respect as his father but having the confidence to go against Byakuya easily. You'll see more of that gradient of change in the interlude.
As for the brand new vision Shinji witnesses... All I can really say is that it's important, something you no doubt already know just by seeing who it includes. Congratulations, Shinji's mother, Mizuki, has made an actual, real appearance instead of just being mentioned as an afterthought or some other nebulous way of feeding you guys information about her! I had mentioned in chapter three that Shinji hadn't once been able to see the woman in his visions and honestly, that was just an excuse for me so I didn't have to write anything concrete with her at the time as well as just fanning the flames of mystery. Not the case anymore! I'll admit playing really any character off a broken man like Byakuya is just fun to me but Mizuki has been a treat, probably only second to one other character.
Now then, in the grand scheme of things regarding this story, Mizuki really isn't all that important. That's something that was true in the pre-writing phase and is still true now. There are certain things about her identity and why Zouken chose someone like her specifically to be the mother of Shinji that are a good bit more important than the woman herself so keep that in mind.
And finally, Sakura and Shinji scene at the end. Really didn't shift or change all that much, just added a little more introspection and physicality to their interaction.
Also yeah, now that I've actually put a date to this chapter's events, I realized that Sakura's birthday actually ended up taking place in the latter part so ta da! Hopefully next time (if ever I happen to write about it again) I include her birthday in a chapter, it'll be far less depressing.
That about wraps it up but disclaimer before you go on or skip to the last chapter, the next chapter isn't the same as before. I made a new interlude with specific survivors of the Fourth Holy Grail War and it takes place in between this chapter and chapter three. It's new content and hopefully something that can tide you guys until I finish the next real chapter.
So, yeah. Let me know what ya think.
DSDAD out