A Candle Lit in the Eclipse

by DSDAD

Many things can affect the development of a growing mind be it the loss of something vital, the birth of a new ideal to strive for, or the will to face any obstacle head on as it is in your family's nature. Shinji's case was a lot more complicated than that; let it be known that the sins of the fathers must be absolved, especially if you've bear witness to every single sin yourself

3. Interlude I

Hahaha... Been a while, huh?

I do not own the works of Kinoko Nasu

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Past Sins and Future Prayers

Trauma

May 5th 1994

If Byakuya was being completely honest, the choked gasps and stifled screams of agony that came from down the hallway now almost daily were actually amusing and somewhat nostalgic.

That isn't to say it had been something he had normally woken up to back then, but he supposed the comparison was close enough.

Byakuya opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling before wincing, a dull, throbbing pain pounding in his head the moment he moved his gaze. He ran a hand over his face, pressing his thumb and index finger into his temple in an attempt to ease his hungover mind. An act of futility as another muffled cry from outside the man's room sent a stabbing bolt of pain through his brain.

At the very least, Byakuya's own feelings of annoyance and indifference at the screams that echoed through the Matou manor hadn't changed throughout the years.

The man had never been as intensively trained as his derelict ass of a little brother but in the seventeen years that Kariya had called this gaudy place his home, such sounds of pain and misfortune had been commonplace and the older brother had to admit there was a bit of cruel satisfaction in hearing the privileged bastard tortured for his defiance.

It had been something he had unexpectedly missed once the fool had run off, acting as though fleeing from his own innate nature and desires would be the solution to a problem only he himself created. Acting as though he was being magnanimous by leaving that equally idiotic Zenjou girl to that Tohsaka prick. Like fucking off to be a journalist of all things toiling around god knows where was somehow the answer.

If that dumbass really was so happy being free of all the bullshit that came with this accursed family and its legacy, he wouldn't have come back to this hell just at the sight of the crocodile tears that failure of a mother had shed. He wouldn't have volunteered for a god damn death game between actual fucking psychopaths and those weaponized flesh puppets called servants, all seeking a fucking cup that granted wishes. He wouldn't have thrown his already useless life away for a woman who never gave him a second thought and a little girl he didn't even save.

A delusion, no matter how enticing, was not worth the soul-crushing despair and suffering that came with dealing with the old bastard. Especially after escaping his clutches once.

If there was anything Byakuya had learned from a lifetime with the sack of bones and worms, it was that Matou Zouken was second to none when it came to sewing anguish.

Those ten years of living in this bastardized excuse of a noble born magus household had been nauseating and hellish with only himself and the old worm present. There had been a painfully short respite right after Kariya had left that had lasted only three years, a time that had passed like a blink of an eye and was genuinely the only period in Byakuya's life that he could say that he could ever say he had been happy. Now, those pleasant memories haunted his every waking moment.

It also didn't help that the man had a physical reminder of those memories present in these four walls but at the very least, hearing the little bastard scream like this was something he found the tiniest bit of enjoyment in.

Byakuya got up from the dark corner of his room he had blacked out in the day prior, carelessly knocking over dozens of empty and half-drank bottles of cheap, shitty beer on his way to the shut curtains a few feet away. His joints popped loudly as he moved, body aching from a lifetime of easily addressable ailments the man hadn't even attempted to correct. He tugged the drapes slightly open with a finger and peeked out, wincing at the bright, midday light that assaulted his eyes. With a growl, the man clumsily batted away the fabric obscuring the windows, throwing up dust collected from a little under a decade through the air and sending him into a coughing fit.

"Ack- Son of a bitch! Cough, Cough! Stupid fucking floating pieces of shi- Wheeze!"

Byakuya stumbled away from the covered windows, swatting wildly at the motes of dust hanging in the air. The widower haphazardly navigated the labyrinth of garbage on the floor of his room as he coughed out one of his lungs, managing to toss himself against a wall for support.

The man slumped against the surface as he gasped in air, the pain clearing the cloudy haze in his head from his alcohol induced blackout and allowing him to make sense of his situation. He had passed out sometime after three last night, knocking back bottle after bottle in hopes that his traitorous mind would be numbed past the point of cognitive thought but failed for an impressive ten hours of day turned night drinking. And now from the looks of it, he had been out for a good half of this day, waking up somewhere in the ballpark of one to four in the afternoon. Though that in itself wasn't all that surprising, if anything it'd be out of the ordinary if the man wasn't out cold wearing days old clothes and smelling like a red-light district bum.

After years of being a seasoned, barely-functioning functioning alcoholic, Byakuya had found that even being piss drunk wasn't a real solution to his torment, the only way he could hope to get even the chance of a pause from the pain was drinking till he blacked out. Whether that meant fainting from an excess of crap beer or just his body giving out from exhaustion, either one was preferable to seeing the ghosts of better days. And if it killed him, even better.

But right now, he wasn't dead or drunk. And that was a problem.

Now having caught his breath, Byakuya pushed himself of the wall and made his way to the connected bathroom. He didn't bother turning on the lights, already knowing the mirror would only show a mess he had long given up trying to fix and turned on the faucet. The man took a handful of water and splashed his face with it, paying no mind to the droplets falling onto the floor or soaking his shirt. He kept his head down, his dampened locks forming a curtain as he stared down at the water swirling down the drain.

He reached out and grabbed one of the many bottles of discarded alcohol that littered this room as well, pouring out the contents and filling it up with the still running water. Byakuya brought the bottle up to his lips and swished the liquid around in his mouth, the slight hint of the beer in the water not bothering the man as much as the disgusting taste of his own breath this morning. As he spat out the filthy water, more muffled sounds of distress could be heard, thuds and pounding coming from somewhere downstairs but once again, Byakuya paid it no mind.

For once, he, and the old worm for that matter, was completely blameless when it came to the pain Shinji was going through. The boy had brought this on himself, going down into the basement even after being told explicitly not to, so the consequences were solely on his shoulders.

Of course, the consequences Byakuya had had in mind didn't include physical and mental stress the kid was forced to suffer because of those bizarre eyes but it wasn't like the man was complaining. Shinji had become more defiant and almost confrontational after his Pure Eyes were awakened, at times demanding information and insight to the past events he was thrust into witnessing. Things that he had no right in even knowing, let alone asking about, though to Byakuya's irritation, the old bastard chose to indulge the boy's selfish wishes and answered most of his questions. Leaving the rest for him to deal with.

And it was just like that fucking sadist to push the ones about Mizuki into his lap.

Byakuya shook his head, less angry at his thoughts and more weary, and left the bathroom, trying his best to ignore how easy it was for Zouken to rile him up even in his mind. He was starting to remember and that was never a good thing.

God, he needed a drink.

The man went straight to the mini fridge that sat only a few feet away from the corner he had passed out in last night and opened it. There was a spark of annoyance as Byakuya found the damn thing was empty, but it wasn't exactly surprising. He glanced at the abundance of bottles littered about and let out a sigh.

He had no choice now.

Byakuya pulled open his door and exited his dark room into the second story hallway. He didn't bother sneaking about or hiding his presence whatsoever, the brats knew not to get in his way and the old worm rarely, if ever, left the basement or his study during this time of day.

The man began to travel towards the stairs, disgust appearing just as soon as his eyes fell on familiar surroundings. The rather dim, dreary nature of the Matou household wasn't something exclusive to the places Zouken spent most of his time in, the halls, rooms, courtyard, almost every single facet of the place was permeated by a feeling of atrophy. Even now, walking through the second story hallway in broad daylight, Byakuya couldn't fight the natural grimace that had formed as he gazed at his resident hell. Memories of the past danced before his eyes, the painfilled groans echoing throughout the manor only pulling Byakuya further into his own mind.

He shook his head and let out a growl. "Like hell. If you're gonna make me relive this shit, I'm damn well not going to be sober for it."

Byakuya ignored his own growing pain and irritation and made his way down the steps, a hand held over his eyes both to shield them from the sunlight as well as massage his temples. It wasn't really helping on either front but there was no way in hell he'd just willingly accept his mind turning against him without trying to fight back. Managing to make down to the first floor without too much difficulty, at least no more than the man was ordinarily used to, he gave the cursory glance around the foyer.

The pintsized human headache wasn't anywhere in sight, though given the fact that Byakuya could still hear sounds of hushed distress not far from where he was standing, the boy was probably reliving the past somewhere deeper into the first floor of the house.

"Argh! Stop, stop now! I-I can't!" A slightly smothered scream echoed in the silent house. "Damnit, you stupid eyes, listen to me! I-it's too much! Th-the pain, it hurts! It hurts too much, stop showing me these things, stop, stop, stop damnit!"

In the sitting room, to his left, if the man's hearing was accurate.

After a moment filled with clumsy rustling and loud thumps made by a struggling body, the only noises left were slow, labored gasps and the arrival of familiar buzzing. The latter of which being something that should have been heard the moment the boy began to cry out in pain but had been absent long enough for Shinji to have gotten a handle on his eyes by himself. Painfully late, as though the familiars were held back on purpose by their master. As though Zouken wanted to see his "grandson" suffering and show the boy just how little he cared for him.

Byakuya grinned despite his own disgust. It was clear where him and his brother got their sadistic streak from.

However, both the brat and old bastard weren't something the man wanted to deal with now, or really ever, so he ignored that particular room by taking a right and headed straight for the kitchen.

It was empty, not all that surprising seeing as Zouken had decided to let the children fend for themselves after Shinji's little discovery and had gotten rid of the hired help. Somewhat presented as a punishment for the both of them, though Byakuya suspected it was just another way for the wrinkled ass to add another form of neglect to the laundry list of abuse Shinji and Sakura already suffered and label it instead as some bullshit proof of maturity. Now the two of them were responsible for cooking their own food, washing their own clothes, cleaning up the manor, as well as going out and getting groceries. The man wasn't exactly sure how the brats had managed it so far without any nosy bastards knocking on the front door demanding to see an adult with the two, but he wasn't about to complain. It was no longer his problem to worry about them to begin with and so long as it still didn't concern Byakuya, it wasn't even something he wasted time thinking about. Besides, it was no different than how he and Kariya were brought up anyway.

And funnily enough, in both cases, Byakuya never did find out what happened to the housekeeper Zouken had hired.

Though it wasn't hard to guess the most likely outcome. He doubted there was anything left of either woman other than their bones.

Another sharp pang of pain brought the man from his thoughts, reminding him why he was standing in the kitchen in the first place. Byakuya moved across the room to the refrigerator, all but throwing the door open and peering inside. Its contents were rather sparse, a few fruits and a handful of assorted vegetables, a half empty carton of eggs, two jugs of milk, and a sealed plastic bag of chopped up beef; the remnants of the brats' last grocery run. He ignored all that and pulled open on of the larger compartments of the fridge, the drawer revealing a six pack of cold beer. The man let out a sigh of relief, this shitty place wasn't entirely dry of alcohol yet.

Byakuya grabbed the cardboard handle and pulled the pack of alcohol out onto the counter next to the fridge, yanking one of the glass bottles free from its packaging and popping the cap off with the counter's edge. The little piece of metal flew off somewhere on the kitchen floor but he didn't care enough to go look for it, instead taking the freshly opened beverage to his lips and taking a swig.

More than a swig.

Quarter.

Third.

Half.

"I know by now I shouldn't be surprised by your actions but really, Father?"

Byakuya pulled the bottle from his mouth and opened his eyes, peering at the drink for a second. There was only about a quarter left in the beer bottle. He spied the six-pack to be sure, seeing the five other beers untouched.

So, he wasn't mistaken, he'd only had most of a single beer.

Not near enough drank to be hearing voices.

"Does this have to be now?" Byakuya gave the brat a bleary look. "Or can we just push this back an hour? A day? Never?"

"Just because you don't feel like dealing with me?" Shinji didn't seem amused. "You never waste an opportunity to piss me off, why should I?"

"You being a perpetual pain in my ass and my tendency to be inebriated do, in fact, go hand in hand. Since you like to act like such a damn know-it-all all the time, I thought you would have gotten that."

"You're hungover." It wasn't so much an accusation as it was just a stated fact. "And already trying to get drunk. Would it kill you to at least try to act like an adult and do something other than drinking and caring for that idiot girl?"

The man managed a snide grin, turning to face Shinji as he leaned with his back against the fridge. "For someone who acts like he's a big boy like the rest of us, I would've thought jealousy was below you, Shinji. Then again, you always did remind me of that emotional bastard, Kariya." The younger Matou's face twisted and Byakuya took a bit of pleasure in the sight. "Besides, she's better company than you ever could be. She at least knows better than to mouth off like you, boy."

Shinji shot him a resentful glare. "I'm not like you or Uncle Kariya, Father. I'd never let my emotions get in the way of my ambitions or give up when things got hard." This time, the boy wore a malicious smirk as Byakuya set his jaw. "And anyway, that puppet lacks the ability to speak out to begin with, her silence is nothing more than a weak attempt at having control. You'd have to be a fool to think she respects any one of us, that girl's only keeping her mouth shut to avoid being punished any more than she's already been. As if that would keep her from pain."

It wasn't too surprising, the complete 180 Shinji's feelings took after knowing the truth regarding his adopted little sister. While the two hadn't ever had anything remotely close to a sibling relationship before the boy had left for London, this way more in line with what Byakuya had expected from him. Seeing the runt try get to know Sakura and make her feel welcome once he'd returned had always unnerved the man. The boy had no reason to be kind and the girl had no reason to believe him.

At least now the way the brats acted to each other made sense.

The boy brat in question continued with a shrug. "Well, that sorry attempt protecting herself and for her own sense of self. After having every other right taken away from her, in her head at the very least, she still has her mind and tongue as her own." Shinji shook his head and spat. "Like that would change anything. A pitiful showing of defiance like that may be enough for her own peace of mind but it doesn't mean a damn thing in my eyes. Only more proof that she's nothing like us." Blue grey eyes fell back on the man, something darker than humor glimmering behind the gaze. "If nothing else, our family is able to bitch and moan under any circumstance, never able to shut up even if it kills them. Unlike our pet mute."

"…So you're saying you'd prefer if she was as much of a downer as the two of us." Byakuya grinned but it felt just as dull and scornful as the boy's own expression. "Can't say I expected you to be so pitiful that you'd want to pull an abused little girl down to your level, Shinji."

"Our level, Father." Shinji corrected the man curtly, his burning gaze remaining for a moment before looking away. "It's one thing to be closed off and indifferent to the world, to have it in you to ignore all the terrible things life throws into your path and just continue on living despite all that. If it was that, I'd even admire her." The boy's eyes sharpened as he stared off into the distance, his voice hardening as he glanced up towards the second story. "But it's not. She's making the conscious decision to be content in her suffering, a puppet by choice. Using that type of half-assed cowardice as some kind of shield, believing that it's better not to resist, that it won't get any worse for her if she goes along with whatever hell Grandfather puts her through."

Byakuya silently studied the boy instead of replying instantly. His first impulse was to bring up Kariya again, as the brat's little tirade was reminiscent to how the man's younger brother would rant and rave about how shitty of a person Zouken was and how weak Byakuya was for just following the bastard's orders without any resistance. It was admittedly more entertaining that he originally thought it would be, comparing Shinji to that human trainwreck, since the brat had both defended his uncle and denounced Byakuya vehemently at first. That fire and spite slowly fading away the more the boy found out the truth, the more visions he witnessed of Kariya's actions throughout the Fourth Holy Grail War.

Even Byakuya really had no damn clue what had actually transpired through those few weeks other than the news of some child molester or murderer on the loose, mass destruction to the harbor and areas around the Mion river from some sort of Tokusatsu-like monster subjugation, the death of Tohsaka Tokiomi and the hospitalization of his wife, and the tragedy that was the Fuyuki Fire. He didn't care all that much about finding out anything more and there was no way in hell Zouken would just drop in to give the man a debriefing of what all had happened, not like he cared enough for it anyway. But with Shinji, each day leaving the house on his own from the crack of dawn till dusk, it was like a mission for the boy. And as each day passed, the less Byakuya would hear enraged outbursts like before and the more he would see the boy waiting outside the old bastard's study for answers, eyes dark and face stony.

That period hadn't lasted all that long, the brat's terrible attitude sparking up just as quickly as it had disappeared but Byakuya could see the differences. The boy's eyes had changed and not in the supernatural way, now always clouded in a way that made it hard to figure out what he was thinking. There was an aura of exhaustion and apathy that followed Shinji like a shadow, not unlike with Sakura but not exactly the same. When it came to the girl, it was easy to see that she had internalized her suffering, blaming her situation entirely on herself and whatever perceived failings she had cooked up in her head to deserve this. Ignorant to the world since the world was ignorant to her, mutual indifference. Shinji, on the other hand, didn't seem to hold nearly as much self-hate. It was still there, no doubt due to his useless circuits and how blind he had been to the truth, but it was overshadowed by a form of grim understanding, like the boy's visions had given him a comprehension of how shit life could be and he had slowly began coming to terms with that truth. He didn't seem depressed, though compared to Sakura, Byakuya doubted any kind of misery the boy could muster would even be close to her hopelessness. Zouken had taunted the man only a few days ago about how Shinji had changed since then, snidely pointing out the boy did somewhat resemble Byakuya now not only in appearance but temperament, tired blue grey eyes consumed with terrible memories and ever-present frown to match with the hair, all the while grinning in that disgusting way.

And from what Byakuya could remember of his own reflection, the bastard wasn't wrong.

The thought pissed him off more than he thought it would.

"You know, I can barely stomach the way you put this family and yourself on a pedestal, Shinji, since you of all people should hate all this bullshit more than anyone else but fine, live in whatever fantasy land you've created that lets you ignore all the horrible things that old magus fuck has done even after seeing some of it firsthand and keep blaming Sakura for not fighting back against hopeless odds."

Shinji turned back to face him, revealing that his expression hadn't changed though he did now have an eyebrow raised. "So you're saying it's right what she's doing? Giving up before even trying, thinking that it's useless to hope for freedom yet still wishing for some imaginary hero to come save her?"

"And you're asking me?" Byakuya couldn't help but shake his head in muted amusement. "I thought in your mind, I was the worst offender of being a hypocrite. What makes you believe I think any different than that girl does?"

"Please." This time, the scoff came from the boy. "Don't try to feed me whatever half-hearted lies you try to convince yourself with, Father. If you really were as much of a doormat as you're saying, you wouldn't be alive right now. You wouldn't have bother to stay living like this if that was the case."

A hollow grin came in response to Shinji's words and Byakuya had to fight back the urge to bark out a self-derisive laugh. If only that was the case…

He settled instead for shaking his head once more and smirked down at the boy. "Here I thought those pesky little eyes of yours were only good for invading the pasts of those poor bastards before us. I had no clue they gave you the ability to talk out your ass this confidently, like you know a damn thing about me." The man grabbed Shinji by the collar of his shirt with his free hand and balled it up, yanking the boy roughly so only the tips of his toes were still touching the ground. "I don't care what the hell you've seen or what the hell you think you know. You watch yourself, kiddo. The old worm might think you're good enough to be his tool now that your head is outta your ass but make no mistake. You're still the same clueless, talentless waste of space you were before all this, same as me, same as your failure uncle."

Shinji hadn't met Byakuya's eyes yet, keeping his head down and face obscured by his blue hair. The man waited for a retort but, seeing as the boy remained unresponsive, clicked his tongue and callously tossed him back onto his feet.

"Better learn how to hold that tongue of yours better, Shinji. I may not be as scary as the old bastard but that doesn't mean you can just do and say what you please around me. You know I have no issue kicking your ass, only reason I haven't since the basement is just cause it'd be too much effort." The man lowered his head to Shinji's level. "But given that you can't seem to shut that trap of yours, I think I can spare some time to discipline a precocious brat."

"Go ahead." The boy raised his head loosely and met the man's gaze with the same intensity. "If that's what you think is best, Father."

Byakuya and Shinji stayed locked in each other's gaze for only a few seconds, not quite glaring but the hostility and tension between the two was near palpable, before, almost as if it was cued, they turned away with a tsk.

It was juvenile to act this way, Byakuya knew that much but that didn't really quell the urge to give the insubordinate brat a broken nose and just leave. He however didn't, instead leaning back against the counter and taking a sip from the bottle in his hand.

The man wasn't about to give the little idiot the satisfaction of knowing how easily his words were able to rile him up.

"So then, Shinji-kun," Byakuya made sure his voice was dripping with faux affection, making the boy's face wrinkle in displeasure, "any reason you decided to be a bother and get in my way here instead of going off in some corner of this sorry place and using those special eyes of yours? You know, like you've normally been doing for the past month?" He grinned snidely. "What? Did it get too hard, too painful for the little fraud heir?

"…You don't know what you're talking about, Father." Shinji hadn't made much of an outward reaction as he still wasn't facing the man but Byakuya could tell the boy was scowling. "It's easy for you to mouth off like that when you've never experienced what it's like. How it feels to have all control taken from your body and being forced to witness death and suffering without end. Knowing that whatever my eyes show me next will without a doubt be worse." A hand came up to cover Shinji's eyes and his voice fell to a murmur. "And they haven't proven me wrong yet…"

"Life sucks and is painful, even a toddler could tell you that, Shinji. The reality of how shit this world can be should already be more than clear to you, what with the mass grave we have right under our feet. If you're just now realizing that because you get a few headaches and your eyes are a bit sore, you're even more of a failure than that old bastard had originally thought." The man shrugged; he had no sympathy for the brat. "Think I've had hangovers worse than what your peeping eyes can put you through."

Byakuya was exaggerating, sort of. He had been drinking for so long and so regularly that most of the time, his hangovers were little more than a bit of light sensitivity and a trivial amount of pain. Only time he had ever been in enough pain to beg and scream out for reprieve like Shinji had only minutes ago, it had been the day after Shinji's birth.

The day Mizuki died.

He hadn't been entirely sure where the physical pain ended and the immense grief he felt began at the time but the man was certain about one thing. Waking up that morning, staring blankly at the empty space across from him on the bed and feeling the gaping hole in his heart; he had never wanted to die more.

"It's not the pain that I can't handle. Physical pain is…" Shinji's voice broke the man from his thoughts and the man glanced over to see that while the boy was still staring down at the ground, his expression had shifted from irritation to something akin to… uncertainty? "I'm used to that kind of hurt but this… It's nothing like what these Pure Eyes or even what you and Grandfather have put me through." He grasped the side of his head with his left hand as if even describing this pain was doing harm. "It's raw, biting, I can feel it in the back of my mind always. But not like something real, it's like an emptiness. An absence of something important, something that I shouldn't be without." The boy let out a deep breath and shook his head. "And it's been there even before the basement, it's something I've always known; only the feeling grows with each new thing I witness, right here." Shinji's right hand ghosted over his heart as he spoke. "Never disappearing no matter what I do, how I try to distance myself from the memories; the pain just lingers." The hand on his head tensed, catching his wavy blue hair in a tight bunch. "And each time I feel that sting, with every single day that passes, it just seems to grow worse."

"…Grief, an empathy to their pain. That's the emotion you're looking for, Shinji."

The boy jumped at the revelation, already turning hastily to face the man but Byakuya had begun to leave the room, holding the remaining beer by its container's cardboard handle over his shoulder with his free hand as he moved from the counter across the kitchen. Byakuya caught a look at Shinji's face, looking genuinely lost with an almost childlike expression of pained confusion, before he fixed his gaze forward and walked past the boy.

"Father? What are you tal- Where are you going?" He had managed to make it three short steps away from Shinji when Byakuya felt a pull on the sleeve of his shirt. "You can't just leave without explaining!" The words tumbled from the boy's mouth in a hurried, anxious babble. "Grief? How? What? I've never even gone through the loss of anyone so I hardly think these glimpses into the past are anything close to experiencing the real thing. That doesn't even make any sense, why would I feel so strongly for people I hadn't known about even a month ago?" The tugging became rougher with the lack of a reaction from the man. "Say something, Father!"

"I got my own damn baggage to deal with, like hell am I gonna listen to some pint-sized pain in my ass vent about shit he never should have seen in the first place." The man yanked his arm back with a growl, any and all patience he had left for the brat killed on the spot. "You think you're anything close to me, my dumbass brother, or even the old worm? Fine then, prove it. Sort through this shit yourself, like we did."

"BULLSHIT!" A roar erupted from Shinji, the sheer frustration and pain in his voice shocking Byakuya still for second. "That's complete and utter bullshit! Don't you dare try and act like you didn't have-" The boy cut himself off on purpose, both Matou knowing full well why. The knowledge of that, no doubt incensing him further. "Like she wasn't there to help you deal with all that stuff you're talking about, all that 'baggage'. I'm not going to let you pretend you've ever had anything close to strength, that you've even once sorted through your problems yourself instead of just running away like a goddamn coward!" Reckless, completely unrestrained anger was clear in Shinji's voice, emotions that had been buried deep within let fully loose for the first time in the boy's entire life. "This is the first- The only time I've ever asked you for anything, you don't just get to ignore me like this!"

"There's not a damn thing talking about this will do for you, to me or anyone else. That's not how loss works, not the kind we have to deal with." Byakuya's temper had steadily been reaching its limit throughout this exchange with the brat but the moment she was mentioned, the widower stopped giving a damn about reining in his rage. "You think just because you've seen some shit about my life, my fucking past with her, memories that were mine and mine alone, just because of that you think you understand me? You think that you're the same as me? After what I've been through, after what I've fucking lost?" The feeling of being in control of his own damn life for the first time ever. The knowledge that there was someone out there who actually gave a damn about him, who accepted every flaw, every weakness and loved him truly in spite of everything. Happiness, genuine, honest to god happiness. And hope, even if it was taken away just as quickly as it had appeared. "You've seen some shit, sure. Probably things that I can hardly imagine even with all the fucked-up bullshit I've lived through in this hellhole. That doesn't change a goddamn thing." Byakuya only turned enough to show half of his face to Shinji, the look of his thunderous expression causing the boy to flinch back. "You only just now began to understand just how oblivious, how fucking blind you've been to that old bastard even with all the evidence in front of you. You think that just because you've finally come the conclusion that fucker is a monster in every sense of the damn word, you think that you're entitled to answers? From me to hear you out, to listen to you bitch about the pain and suffering you think you've experienced? Just by watching from the sidelines, sticking your head into shit that should have stayed buried?" He laughed, an ugly, spiteful sound. "Sympathy is the absolute last thing you should expect from me, Shinji. I sure as hell don't think I was ever owed compassion or understanding from that dumbass Kariya or even the worm, let alone her. If you actually understood that, you'd get what I'm saying." Anger had slowly but surely bled from Byakuya as he spoke until the only feeling left in the man was a cold void. "This kinda shit, it either makes or breaks you." He paused again, jaw set as he faced away from the boy. "…If Mizuki, her presence in my life or anything she did for me, had been enough, I wouldn't be like I am now; the sorry son of a bitch right here in front of you."

"…"

"I would have thought you of all people would get that, with those damn eyes of yours." The man shook his head, he was done with this useless back and forth. "Guess I expected too much for a damn brat."

Byakuya walked away from the boy with a tight grimace. He had already been irritated before running into the little bastard but now he was genuinely pissed off, no doubt in his mind that the feeling would persist no matter how wasted he became. And just the knowledge of that infuriated the man further.

Today would have been so much easier to deal with if he had just stayed in that fucking room but no, his dumb ass had to run out of alcohol at the worse possible moment. Should have known better than to test Fate, that sour bitch has always had it out for him.

He had been halfway out the kitchen when Byakuya heard him reply. He had intended to ignore any and all things the brat could have said or done but even with that in mind, the boy's response reached his ears.

"…No." Shinji's voice was faint, barely even a whisper. "I just thought, just this once, I could ask my father for help."

The man went still.

For a moment, the room was without sound other than soft breathing. And then…

"Parenting isn't as hard as you're pretending it to be, Byakuya. It's simple really." Mizuki softly smiled up at him, one hand on her bump and the other being held by his own hand. "It's just teamwork between the two of us, same as our own relationship."

He still wasn't convinced. "Which means what exactly, Mizuki? I've never been all that good at this whole husband thing if you haven't noticed. It's not exactly surprising that I don't think I'm suited for something like this." The man purposely looked off to the side with a hard stare. "Never really had a good example to learn from."

"You'll do just fine." The bright warmth in his wife's voice became even more pronounced as she gave his hand a loving squeeze. "We're working together on this so don't worry about it. Anything you can't handle; I'll be there to take care of. And vice versa."

"…I hardly think there's anything in the world you can't handle, Mizuki." Byakuya sighed but didn't fight the small smile that formed once he met her gaze. "But sure, lean on me when you need to."

"Of course." The woman rubbed small circles on the back of his hand with her thumb as she looked down at her stomach. "I'm counting on you, Byakuya, for the times I can't be there for our child. When only you can help him with whatever he's struggling with. To guide him when he's lost."

"I know."

"And I believe it." The expression on her face was the image of serenity. "I know you will, even when it hurts."

The harsh scraping of teeth being ground.

The man spun on his heel and stormed back to the little bastard, glaring down at his lowered head. "Why does this matter to you?" Byakuya rounded on the boy with a snarl. "Why even bother caring about the past, those people, any of it, when you could just ignore it? When you could just live like you had before all this shit?"

"…I can't." Shinji's response was just as quiet as the last, though this time resolute instead of dejected. "I won't. I may not have the capability to be a magus like I should but I was given this ability for a reason. I-I can't just pretend like these things I'm witnessing, like the deaths, the suffering, the hell that this family has gone through, I refuse to act like I'm not involved. I still don't know why but these eyes-

"That doesn't answer my question. I don't give a damn about your stupid eyeballs. If I had them, I sure as hell wouldn't bother seeking out those visions like you've been." Byakuya stepped right in front of Shinji and poked the brat none to gently in the middle of his forehead. "Why do you want put yourself through all this instead of just…"

The boy looked up at him, not even bristling at the contact. "Just running away like you and Uncle Kariya?" Shinji finished for him.

The man's silence was answer enough.

"…It's complicated." Despite the weighty atmosphere, Byakuya snorted. "I know that both you and Grandfather never had any real expectations for me. Looking back on it now, I can tell that even from the beginning, I was unwanted. I'm honestly a little ashamed that it took this long for me to notice." Shinji let out a short laugh and the man could hear her laughter mingling with her child's. It made him want to vomit. "I know now that I'm no use to the Matou, useless in all the ways an heir to a magus bloodline should never be. Even now, I'm more than aware that Grandfather is only humoring me, just like before. Sakura is the one he's chosen to bear the Matou Crest and she'll be the one recognized as the next Matou magus, I'm nothing more than source of entertainment. Everything I thought was mine, everything that I thought I deserved, that I thought I earned; it was all just a sham." The boy's eyes raised up the ceiling and a bittersweet smile formed. "But now, after I've figured it all out, after I've finally understood my place in this family, I'm given this ability. Told by Grandfather that I'm what's known as a psychic, that I have special Pure Eyes and that I've awakened something that was thought to be lost; a precursor to the Matou magecraft." He turned back to meet Byakuya's eyes and gave an almost completely defeated shrug. "And now… now I have no clue what to do. I know I was gifted these eyes for a reason, I just-" The boy's voice petered off. "I just don't understand why…"

Byakuya held the same aggravated intensity in his gaze but the sight of how genuinely lost Shinji was killed much of the heat. He looked away, frustrated.

At himself for being this damn soft, and at the brat for making him feel this way.

"…One." The man ground out. "You get one question."

"How do you live with it?" There was a desperate undercurrent to the boy's voice, something Byakuya had only vaguely heard in him that night in the basement but never once so directly from Shinji before. "The pain that comes with remembering?"

"…You don't." The man paused momentarily, tensed shoulders dropping as he let out a quiet breath. "…I sure as hell didn't. I died eight years ago to this day, when she was taken away from me." He continued to walk away from the boy and took a swig. "Just waiting for my body to catch up."

There was a beat of silence, the two Matou facing opposite.

"…Mo-" Shinji's voice broke off, first syllable dying in his throat. After a painful swallow, he continued. "…She wouldn't have wanted that for you."

"The hell do you kno-" A spike of rage stabbed deeply, painfully at Byakuya's heart at that murmur, the man whipping back around to the boy with a spiteful retort and bottle raised to strike but the words died at the sight of the boy.

Shinji hadn't turned to face him. The boy's head was down, his shoulders were set rigid and Byakuya could see his clenched fists resting rigidly at his side but that wasn't a surprise. He had known from the moment Shinji had awakened those eyes, when he had witnessed the sin his father had willingly allowed to take place in the basement only a few months ago, the boy had lost any respect for the man. Shinji had decided from that point on to only trust himself, only depend on himself, and only show weakness to himself alone.

But that wasn't what stopped Byakuya.

Matou Shinji was strong.

That much was clear even before the boy had been plagued with visions of this cursed family's bloodstained past. He had proved it easily after spending a little under a year overseas, by himself in a foreign country, and not a single complaint had left his lips about it. He had treated it like another step in his training to become a magus, as though that kind of reasoning justified leaving him in such an unfair situation.

And even further back, when it had been just the three of them, before that pitiful girl had been forced to become the old worm's puppet. When it had only been Byakuya and Zouken to play the façade of family to Shinji, the two guardians showing nothing that could be considered affection to the boy. Their actions wavered from barely tolerating him to outright abuse, beatings and psychological torture being more than commonplace in the Matou house. No different than how Byakuya was treated during his childhood, only Shinji suffered alone.

Kariya, for as much of a pain in the ass and shortsighted idiot he had been during his life, he had still been Byakuya's little brother. The two of them had lived through the hell that Zouken had forced upon them and had done so together, at least until the old bastard had given up on his useless self and the two brothers had turned against each other.

From the moment he was born till the moment he was replaced, Matou Shinji had been on his own. Treated as nothing more than a disposable asset.

Just for the sin of being born wrong.

That still wasn't what stopped Byakuya.

It was the realization that for the first time since the day Shinji had learned the truth, his voice had quavered, his hands shaking ever so slightly at his sides. It was the reminder that though the boy appeared stoic and full arrogant pride, though he had adapted to this hellish household and had matured far past what anyone could expect from a child, he was just that.

A child, a seven-year-old child unfairly thrown into a conflict he had no part in.

Unfair. The man laughed scornfully to himself at the word. If there was a word that described his life as a whole, it was that one. Every facet, every memory was filled with regrets, filled with a helplessness that he could never fight back against. His life and countless others, probably even that sack of wrinkles and insects that liked to play-pretend grandfather could say the same. No doubt her as well, even if she never let it bother her.

That's why Byakuya hated all this magus bullshit.

No matter if the poor kid was born with the right stuff to pull rabbits out of hats and shoot lightning bolts from their fingers or not, if they were born into this side of humanity, they would suffer. They would suffer like Byakuya, Kariya, and every bastard before them unlucky enough to be born with magic circuits while the old worm tried to win that fucking cup. Like how a damn seven-year-old girl was right now, violated every single day for hours on end and forced into a role she had never once wished for. Or like Shinji, lucky enough not to be cursed with any circuits but being born to a blood where that is the only thing that matters. Tossed aside just as easily by his own flesh and blood as his adopted sister.

He acted like it didn't matter, like things were just the same as they had been before all this. Playing the part of heir to the T, enough so that Zouken had decided to play along and start including the boy in his plans. Pretending that he held no hatred for Sakura, even though both children knew that wasn't the case. Holding in all that anger, all that pain, all that self-loathing because he couldn't afford to let it out. Couldn't afford to let it break him.

Like it broke Byakuya. Like it broke Kariya. Like it broke every Matou before them.

Her son was strong. Far stronger than he should be at this age. Far stronger than she would have wanted him to be.

Far stronger than his father ever was.

"…Yeah. I'm sure you're right."

Shinji raised his head slowly, turning to look at the man over his shoulder. "…You're admitting it?" The boy paused once more, squeezing his eyes shut and giving a small shake of the head before staring back at him. "That I'm right about her?"

It was the little things that caught Byakuya off guard, the subtle, unconscious mannerisms that Shinji would do that reminded him of Mizuki.

Not turning around and just looking over their shoulder with a curious tilt to the head. The soft smile they would give, not because they were trying to hide their pain but because they didn't care to make it known. The fact that their eyes were the only true way of telling how they were really feeling, both being more than skilled at hiding their intentions when they wanted to.

Byakuya had to take a moment to separate the past from the present, Mizuki from Shinji, before answering. "Even a brat like you has the chance of guessing right every blue moon so don't be too shocked." The boy narrowed his eyes and a grin found its way to the man's face, though there was no authenticity to it. "Doesn't mean I'm going to change, not for ghosts and certainly not for you, brat."

Mizuki's gone, what she wanted for him, what he had wanted for her; it hadn't saved either of them.

"…That's about what I expected." The younger Matou's head fell but after a short huff he turned around fully, not at all surprised or disappointed. "Just thought I'd remind you someone once wanted you to be happy."

"Wishes and wants don't mean much, especially when the person's not here to make sure they become a reality."

"…"

Father and son stared back at each other, both with their own opposing convictions but both knowing there was no use in trying to convince the other.

Shinji broke the silence with a sigh. "I guess that's it then. I don't see you being much help when it comes to getting at least some kind of control over the pain these memories bring."

"If you actually had any sense, you'd have known that from the get-go." Byakuya rested his back against the fridge once more. "Don't come here bitching if you knew this was a waste of your time."

"You really are no help."

"I mean if you're looking for a solution," the man shrugged and jiggled the glass bottle in his hand, "this works."

Shinji gave him a nonplussed look, letting out a short laugh of disbelief. "Alcohol? You're recommending alcohol to a child?"

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it." Byakuya tossed the open beer to the boy.

"…Seriously?" Rather than making a conscious effort to catch the bottle, it seemed like it was more his instincts that made Shinji grab it since he looked completely baffled staring down at the beverage. There were a few seconds of silent befuddlement as the boy struggled to process what had just happened before he raised his head in realization, staring back at Byakuya in muted incredulity. "You know, I didn't think it was possible. You're an even worse parent than I originally thought."

Byakuya didn't even bother glaring at the boy. "You remember that thing I said about bitching, right? Just hand it back to me if you're just going to be a pansy."

The man grinned seeing the sour look thrown back at him, growing wider at the sight of Shinji screwing his eyes shut and roughly swinging the bottle over his lips to take a big gulp. Something the boy immediately regretted as he gagged mid swallow and tore the bottle from his mouth with a cough, beer shooting from his nostrils. A sight his father took immense pleasure in.

"You were trying to show off and act like a big boy, huh Shinji?" Byakuya cackled as the boy sputtered and spat, almost falling over when Shinji tried, with absolutely no success, to glare threateningly at him with beer foam peeking out of his nose. "Dumbass, I never said to try and down it like that! I expected you to just take a sip, like a normal person try something new."

Shinji hastily wiped his face with his shirt sleeve and glowered down at the bottle. "What-" The boy swallowed to soothe his throat, a mistake seeing as a nauseated expression instantly took over. "What the hell? This is disgusting! Why would anyone pay for something like this, let alone drink it?" He turned to Byakuya, confusion and disapproval written clear on the boy's face. "Why would you?"

"No one drinks this bottom shelf cheap shit because they enjoy it, Shinji." The man's amusement died down as he answered, eyes trained on the bottle rather than the one holding it. "Like I said before, drinking isn't a hobby or past time for people like me. Hell, in my eyes, it's a required part of the day." Byakuya reached out and Shinji essentially launched the alcohol back to him, wiping his hands of the stuff quite literally, onto his already damp shirt, and glaring at the man. Nothing new for Byakuya but for a fraction of a second her face flickered over the boy's, the look of familiar annoyance almost exactly the same.

He didn't quite flinch, at least not as hard as he had when first seen how Shinji's eyes matched to Mizuki's own unique glowing golden-red color when viewing those visions of his but the same warm, sickly feeling blossomed in the man's chest and his breathing hitched. Byakuya blinked automatically, bringing a hand up to rub his eyes before opening them again and sure enough, she was gone. Never had been there rather.

Though, in his experience, the dead never really seemed to act like they should. The now almost common appearances of his very deceased wife were a testament to that.

The boy didn't bother reacting other than giving Byakuya an odd look, an expression that was solely Shinji, a mixture of not-so-subtle loathing and thinning patience. Something the man was thankful for as it tore the immediate resemblance Shinji had to his mother away and allowed him to think past just staring blankly at the boy.

The lapse in response was just short enough for Byakuya to continue speaking without any further reaction from Shinji, making it easier for the man to fake an aura of composure. "A way to cope, something that can make you numb, to past, the future, anything if you try hard enough. The pain of memory doesn't sting quite as much when you're drunk off your ass, wants and worries disappear when you're just content sitting there with a beer in hand. Most efficient damn solution money can buy." Byakuya gave the bottle a half-hearted jiggle to emphasize the point and, upon seeing Shinji's less than impressed expression, grinned wryly. "What? Not a good enough reason for you to be an alcoholic like me?"

Shinji grit his teeth and remained silent for a moment, turning away from the man before replying. "…So you're the same as her. This is all just a weak attempt at controlling what little of your life you can. You're just as hopeless."

Byakuya gazed at the boy's back, not really all that surprised or disappointed by the conclusion he had come to. It hadn't been anything different than he had expected.

He and Shinji were just too different.

"If that's really all you can see it as, how the two of us chose to cope with all this magus bullshit and reducing it to just being too weak to deal with it, sure." The man accepted his son's scorn with a shrug. "The girl and I are the same then."

Shinji didn't bother replying right away. He remained still for a moment, standing there with his back to Byakuya before he let out a sigh. "Fine then, be weak." His tone wasn't arrogant or defeated, somewhere in between. "But I won't be like you, not now, not ever." The younger Matou glanced over his shoulder at the man, eyes resolute. "I'll be better than anyone else and I'll prove that I'm more worthy of the Matou name than Sakura, you, or even Grandfather, I swear it. In every possible way, I'll surpass what I am now to prove every one of you wrong." The boy's gaze lingered a second longer on him than necessary before Shinji turned back around and began to head out the room.

Byakuya stared at his son's back and watched as he walked away, giving small shake of his head. He raised the beer in his hand to his lips and tossed it back, turning it sideways to peer into the bottle when nothing came out.

It appeared that Shinji had finished the last bit of alcohol when he had tried it.

Despite himself, Byakuya found a grin had formed. "First time drinking and the brat emptied out a bottle, already on the steps to adult hood, huh?"

The smile fell from his face just as quickly. That much had been true far before today.

Shinji wasn't a child, at least not anymore. Not after what he's experienced.

Which reminded Byakuya, he wasn't seven anymore, was he?

The man raised his left hand, flipping it over to gaze at its back side and gently ran his thumb over a thin band of gold that sat at the base of his ring finger. A gift, one of only a handful that he had received in his entire life, and something that despite the pain it caused by keeping it, he would never ever part with.

After all, it had been eight years to this day that Byakuya had lost his wife and his wedding band had never once moved since.

"Time really does fly, huh?" The man murmured aloud in the empty kitchen. "Happy 8th birthday, Shinji. I hope you got what you wanted."

Trauma- severe emotional shock and pain caused by an extremely upsetting experience

---

Betrayal

February 11th 1994

Failure was something the Einzbern were intimately familiar with. To be quite honest, they had spent almost all their existence failing, now just under two millennia of constant disappointment, so the news of another letdown in the Fourth Heaven's Feel ritual was nothing Jubstacheit hadn't foreseen.

It was expected, all things considered.

That did not mean the treason they had suffered went ignored.

Jubstacheit removed his hand from the keystone, a palm sized circular ingot of gold that sat in the center of the Einzbern castle's courtyard and shook off the snow that had fallen while adjusting the Bounded Field that spanned around the entire estate. Wasting not a moment more, he turned around and headed back unhurriedly to the tall wooden doors that stood at the face of his creators' ancestorial home. The golem didn't spare the thick sea of frost capped trees bordering the property nor the Rhine River that flowed down below, hundreds of feet under the cliff the castle sat upon, a single glance.

There simply was no need.

The twin doors were thrown open, sending a flurry of snowflakes into the foyer yet even still, Jubstacheit did not increase his pace. It only took a mere thought for the entrance to be shut and there was no real danger posed by the cold to magecraft constructed bodies of himself and the Justeaze type-homunculus.

That was not the reason the golem remained so indifferent.

There was much to do, much to get ready in anticipation for the next ritual but it wasn't like the Einzbern hadn't prepared for this outcome.

Contingencies were created solely with future success in mind. After all, why else would he have allowed that freelancer to have a child with the Lesser Grail?

Jubstacheit walked into the empty foyer of the castle, stopping after only a few steps as the doors behind him swung closed with a loud thud. There was only silence that greeted him though that wasn't unexpected, every homunculi in these four corners he had handcrafted were occupied with their own given duties. As such, there was not a single specimen would show their face here unless by his own direction.

All but one exception.

"-ere! He's finally here!" The pitter patter of bare feet on the stone came from above, up the stairs in front of the Einzbern head. "Welcome back, Kiri-" The excited steps stopped abruptly only inches away from Jubstacheit's feet and there was a faint swishing in the air as the disturbance whipped around, searching futilely for something that could not and would not ever return. "Where is Kiritsugu?"

Jubstacheit opened his eyes and gazed down at the sight of a white head of hair bobbing around left and right to look around his form. As if sensing the golem's subtle movement, the homunculus child raised her head and met his eyes, her own colored with a myriad of emotions though confusion was the most prevalent. A flash of pain flickered on her face as she repeated the question. "Where is Kiritsugu?"

Illyasviel von Einzbern, child to the Magus Killer Kiritsugu Emiya and the Lesser Grail of the Fourth Heaven's Feel. A perfect mixture of human and magecraft, a creation that even Jubstacheit had to admit would be close to impossible to exceed. There was no jealousy in that concession, only fact.

The Einzbern were blessed for one final chance.

She was nowhere near the perfection of the Winter Saint, but he had long since stopped comparing potential vessels to that particular miracle. Though there were no emotions programmed into his consciousness, living for over a millennia had taught the golem the pain of defeat and the feeling of emptiness that came with having your one true desire left unfulfilled.

It was an inevitability, the defeatist mentality that plagued Jubstacheit's every waking moment.

The twelve-hundred-year-old magus remained impassive as he regarded the diminutive homunculus, answering only when her eyes fell to the floor and her hands, though balled into fists, went to her sides. "That man, Kiritsugu Emiya, will not appear here ever again." The homunculus child's head shot back up to stare wildly at him but continued before she was able to even open her mouth. "We no longer have the luxury of time nor the convenience of comfort, preparations for the next conflict must be made." Jubstacheit pulled his hands from the depths of his robes and raised them up to clap once. Before he had even attempted to return them back under his sleeves, three homunculi appeared from the shadows in front of them. "Children, take the Lesser Grail to her new dwelling. The outside world is far too perilous for such a valuable resource, there is no need for her to be placed into danger like that anymore."

With a unified nod, the trio grabbed the distressed human homunculus hybrid and began to pull her back up the stairs. The soon to be vessel of the Lesser Grail weakly protested, trying and failing to escape from their grasp, crimson eyes falling back to the golem. She managed a feeble "Where is he?" but Jubstacheit had said all he wished and spared not a second more, turning his back to her and beginning to make his way to the Einzbern workshop deep within the mansion.

He passed through the vacant halls, by the various auxiliary rooms such as medical bays and studies, and the cultivation tanks as well as the pool in which faulty creations were broken back down into magical energy and funneled back into the power source. It only took a handful of minutes for the Einzbern head to reach his destination, a cavernous hole leading down below that both seemed right at home with the rest of the mansion and outlandishly bizarre. Jubstacheit began his decent and with each step taken, the golem allowed his mind to wander towards the future.

The Fifth Heaven's Feel would be the last one for the Einzbern, no matter the outcome.

That only meant preparations must be made to ensure the best possible chance for victory, both in master and servant.

The Lesser Grail would be ready, more so than any other prior. Her training as well as the modifications that were to be done on her body to prepare for the burden that came with being both container and Master would far exceed any other that came before her. There was no doubt about that, only the second half of the pair that posed the greatest challenge.

Strength equal to the King of Knights and obedience no matter what arises, the qualities that were valued most yet were the hardest to find.

Though…

Jubstacheit stopped at the bottom of the steps in front of the workshop, a sizable cavern not unlike the one that housed the Greater Grail in Fuyuki and also shared the trait of having an exposed leyline. The golem closed his eyes once more and browsed through the collected knowledge the Einzbern had provided for him, over multiple millennia worth of information stored within his consciousness, pausing at the partition of Greek myths.

"A hero that surpassed every challenge, every trial lain before him. One that knew the shackles of duty better than any other…"

If they are to achieve their one and only purpose of saving humanity, would not the greatest hero in history be the most suited to make that wish a reality?

Betrayal- failure to keep or honor a promise, principle, cherished memory, etc.

---

Phantasm

April 2nd 1994

It was troubling.

A now more common than usual occurrence but still troubling.

"…Now where did that husband of mine disappear off to?"

Tohsaka Aoi turned away from the notably vacant space across from her on their shared bed with a huff. The woman had known that Tokiomi had a tendency to be a workaholic, late nights and early mornings being the norm for the man since before the two had even met, so such a thing wasn't exactly upsetting to wake up to.

Still though…

"It would be nice if he didn't push himself this much. Sharing at least one morning together isn't too much to ask, is it?"

Aoi's eyes flitted to the unoccupher husband's side of the bed once more before she lightly slapped her hands against her cheeks and sat up properly.

"Nothing to do about it now. I might as well freshen up and start…" her nose twitched as she inhaled, "cooking?"

There was the faint but notable scent of something being pan-fried wafting through the air, something that made the Tohsaka matriarch pause. She glanced around to the clock that rested right next to her on the bed side table and Aoi's confusion deepened.

"Nine? How odd, I almost never stay in bed this late…" The times she had could be counted on a single hand and every time that had happened… "Tokiomi had woken me up. Why didn't he do that today?" Aoi scratched the back of her head, fingers combing through her bedraggled hair. "I get that he's been quite busy with preparations for the battle ahead but that's no reason to forget waking me, especially if breakfast still needs to be made for the whole family. Unless…"

Tohsaka Tokiomi was known for many things, being skilled at all sorts of magecraft, his prowess at the game of chess, his ability to remain mischievous in his elegance despite the years that had passed but cooking, having even a modicum of talent in the realm of the kitchen, was something that wasn't in the cards for the man. To be quite honest, he was dreadful, in any imaginable facet.

That fact however didn't stop the man from preparing a surprise breakfast with the help of Ritheir daughters once in a blue moon.

The woman ignored the dull pangs that seemed to reverberate through her entire being the moment the word family left her lips and instead pulled herself off the bed with a tiny smile. The feeling of unease didn't fade but she pushed past it, humming softly as she quickly got ready for the day.

She managed to freshen up quickly enough, brushed teeth and a short rinse, and began to make her way from the master bedroom to the kitchen but stopped momentarily.

There was a wheelchair in the room.

There was a wheelchair in the room and Aoi couldn't recall why.

She stayed staring there, halfway through the door frame into the hallway, trying and failing to remember why something like that was in her and Tokiomi's room to begin with. There wasn't even a foggy inkling or feeling that came when looking at the wheelchair, only a vacant blankness like this was the first time she had ever seen it.

Though…

"-all this time, we're finally home now, Mother. It…" There was a pregnant pause. "It feels like it's been much, much longer than two weeks but w-we're home." Sniffle… "You hear t-that, F-father, the t-two of us are home now s-so you… you don't need w-worry about us, okay? I'll-I'll make sure Mother is fine so you don't have to worry. I'm a Tohsaka, s-something like this i-is nothing." There was nothing but silence to answer the child. "…I'll take you to your room Mother, the doctor said you need rest more than anything else."

A sudden clamor of pots and pans from outside the bedroom made Aoi jump and turn her attention away from the wheelchair back to the doorway. She was startled but only for a moment.

"Must be Tokiomi, heaven knows he's almost completely hopeless in front of a stove." The woman let out a light huff. "It'd be best if I make sure he doesn't end up setting the house on fire just from frying eggs."

The Tohsaka matriarch wasted no time heading toward the kitchen, pushing any and all stray thoughts, intrusive or otherwise to the side.

There was no issue moving through the house, it was her home and had been for the past seven years, but there was a bizarre feeling of unease that followed Aoi like a shadow the more she moved through its halls. The walls were the same as she remembered, the various furnishings lain throughout the halls and the family mementos that Aoi herself had spent hours fiddling with and adjusting to fit the prefect image she had in her mind; not a single bit of it was missing and yet…

There was something wrong. A painting slightly askew, a family of dust bunnies sprouting up behind a vase Aoi had always made sure to dust, a folded-up grocery list laying by the wall of the hallway, forgotten. A family photo of the four of them turned towards the wall, the change seeming almost purposeful. As though someone couldn't bear to look at it but wouldn't dare to put it away…

Barely notable if she was being honest but they were still things that glaringly stood out. Still things that she had never once seen occur in her home.

Aoi quickened her pace through the hall, feet moving as fast as her mind seemed to be and made it to the doorway leading to the kitchen. She could now clearly hear the soft tapping of slipper-clad feet moving to and fro throughout the room ahead and the light hiss of oil sizzling as well as the scent of eggs and toast filling the air. The woman could already envision the sight before her; Rin manning the stove with a spatula in hand, sleeves rolled up and wearing Aoi's own apron like it was her own even if it looked more like an oversized dress on the girl's six-year-old form, Sakura at the helm of the toaster, covered from head to toe in bread crumbs and smiling ear to ear and Tokiomi setting the table and filling glasses, saying and doing the silliest of things to get his two little girls to giggle.

The very atmosphere was calming, familiar in a way Aoi hadn't known she had been yearning for.

"…Normal." The woman released a small breath of content as she shut her eyes, the last bit of unconscious tension melting from her shoulders. "Back to normal at least for a little while."

That's all Aoi could ever want, all that she could hope for. She had known from the start, before the proposal, before Tokiomi had even spoken a single word to her; there was no guarantee her family would remain whole, safe. Being raised in one of the lesser prominent magus families in Fuyuki, it was already a settled matter that Aoi would marry into either the Tohsaka or the Matou. There was far too much prestige, too much to gain by being associated to such great, accomplished bloodlines for her to be wasted on anything other than unifying the Zenjou to the founders of the Holy Grail War.

Aoi has understood all that fine and had accepted her duty without complaints, she was of magus blood just the same as her husband even if she didn't have the circuits to show it. Arranged marriages and the politics that came them were only to be expected.

She had no right or reason to object herself. As the daughter of the Zenjou and as the woman Tokiomi wished to wed, such a life was everything Aoi could have ever dreamed of.

But she was no longer just Tohsaka Aoi, wife of Tokiomi and child of the Zenjou. She was a mother now.

And that's why she couldn't help but be terrified for future.

Her children would lose their father for the duration of the coming conflict, for both their protection and his own, and could very well never get him back.

Incredible and resourceful magus that Tokiomi was, there still was the fact that only four of the twenty-one participants that had survived the three previous Holy Grail Wars. Aoi trusted the confidence that her husband had in his victory, she truly believed with all her heart that if there ever was a man who would win against such odds, it was Tokiomi but that didn't do a thing to settle her nerves. A battle that had taken the lives of over eighty percent of who had taken part, many of which being esteemed and talented magus themselves; there was no way she could blissfully ignore that the chance of his claiming victory was only one of five at best.

It wouldn't do to make such thoughts known, for Tokiomi, or even worse their daughters, so Aoi quietly held these fears in her heart. It wasn't her place to doubt or worry. She was wife and mother before all else, to lessen the burdens of her husband and to comfort her children; it was the only thing Tohsaka Aoi could do to protect her family.

The Tohsaka matriarch opened her eyes and pulled herself out of that depressing train of thought with a shake of her head. There was no need for that now, not when her family was waiting on her just a few steps away.

Aoi took in a deep breath and smiled. Her whole family, happy, healthy, together like she had always known they would be.

A step and then-

"Good morning, you three."

All movement came to an abrupt stop with only the faint sizzling of a pan remaining. Aoi blinked.

"Rin?"

The girl in question had stilled, stood on a stepstool in front of the stove with spatula in hand. Her back still faced Aoi though the woman could tell by the way the girl's shoulders had tensed up, she had heard her entrance.

She took a few steps toward her daughter, glancing around the cluttered kitchen as she did. There were a concerning amount of dirtied kitchen utensils and plates stacked up in the sink as well as a fully filled and cleaned dishrack, like the kitchenware was being used and cleaned in tandem constantly for this single meal. An egg carton sat on the counter with over half the eggs used up, shells scattered about. A cutting board littered with bits of nori as well as various vegetable scraps next to the stove. A pot sat simmering on the stove, its blackened rim a telltale sign of a previous boil over.

The rice cooker was thankfully unblemished, fresh steam leaking out of the top.

Aoi made to touch the girl, hand already reached out for her shoulder, when Rin abruptly spun around spatula in hand.

"A-As you can see," The girl faced her mother with arms stretched wide, as though to hide the results of her cooking behind her thin frame, "no need to worry about making breakfast, Mother. I did it all by myself."

The woman produced a proud smile despite her inner-housewife balking at the kitchen-wide mess. "…So you did."

Rin nodded, not quite meeting her eyes, and pointed to the dining table. "You can take a seat; I'm almost done here. Just have to roll the omelets up and to bring them over."

Part of Aoi wanted to sit the girl down herself and take over but the warm, fuzzy feeling that had sprouted in her chest at the knowledge her family cooked for her pushed that notion from her head. She made her way to the table and pulled a chair out to sit but froze partway, confused.

"Rin dear?"

"Yes, Mother?"

"I think you must have been in a rush setting the table, there's only two plates set."

Rin replied with a sound somewhere in between a hum and a cough. "Urk- A-abou-"

"No problem," Aoi interrupted her daughter with another small grin, rolling her sleeves up, "I can do that much while you finish up there."

There was another choked noise that slipped out from behind the woman as she busied herself with getting the table fully ready but that was easily forgotten with the promise of a meal shared with family.

Aoi sighed with a smile. At least now she had something to contribute.

It always made a meal better when everybody was involved.

Speaking of which…

"How long are the other two going to be, Rin?" Aoi slid past her daughter, opening the cupboard at the end of the kitchen for two more sets of plates. "It's already bad enough that Tokiomi left you here all alone like this, if he went off on an errand and got sidetracked, just you wait. Once he gets back, I'll give him an earful he won't soon forget."

She had to stand a bit taller than normal to reach all the way to the back to grab the other two plates, so it was no wonder why Rin hadn't been able to reach these. Tokiomi should have had these out before he left but it was easy to imagine Rin telling her father off, saying she could handle everything herself while the man had things to do.

And seeing as their youngest was gone with him, it wasn't all that surprising they were running late.

Sakura had a tendency to be a bit more clingy than her older sibling, a trait fostered most likely from not being included in the father-daughter magecraft lessons Rin and Tokiomi had in the few free hours the man was able to step away from his work. As a consequence of that, Sakura monopolized any time the man had that wasn't focused on Rin or Aoi for herself and Tokiomi, being the doting father that he was, could do little to deny her.

Last time she sent the two of them out on a grocery run, the pair had come back with matching face paint from a popup festival in Shinto over an hour later than expected.

Stopping at a park to play a game of tag under the guise of a "quick" break was exactly something Aoi would expect from the father-daughter duo.

"…They won't be back, Mother."

It was said so softly Aoi almost completely missed it in her ministrations to get the thin layer of dust off the plates. She stopped abruptly, turning slowly to look over her shoulder at her onlfirst born daughter.

"What did you say Rin?"

"Father or Sakura." The girl's eyes never left the pan in front of her, still slow and methodically folding the omelets into neat rolls. "They're gone. They been gone. You know this."

"I-" Aoi flinched at her daughter's tone, devoid of any emotion but pulled her lips into an uneven grin. "I see that dear. What I meant was when will the two of them be ba-"

"They're not coming back. Ever." Rin cut her off curtly. "You. Know. This."

The phrase was repeated slowly with emphasis on each word, ending with a bitter finality the woman had never heard in Rin ever before.

"R-Rin, what are you-" A piercing lance of pain shot through Aoi's head, completely derailing any reasonable response from her lips. "Sak- Toki-"

She staggered disoriented against the kitchen counter, clutching the plates to her chest with one hand and covering her face with the other. The world seemed change before her, shapes and lights shifting before her eyes and a growing din of the woman's own heartbeat roaring in her ears. Even with the support of the counter, vertigo assaulted her senses as the fogginess began to get worse.

She could hardly even make out the sight of her daughter before her, the girl's words still echoing in her mind ad nauseam.

Rin didn't seem to pay Aoi any mind during her breakdown, staying doggedly focused on the omelets and even turning away completely to bring them to the dining table.

Yet even with her back to the woman, she answered quietly. "It's been two months now. Both of them are never coming back."

There was little Aoi could do but gasp in response.

"All that's left is you and me, Mother."

CRASH! Something fell to the ground and smashed into little pieces all around Aoi but that was the farthest thing from the woman's mind.

Sakura

Memories that had been burilost resurfaced in an instant like a dam had burst in the mother of ontwo's brain.

"-get it. I know it's difficult to think about but putting all emotions aside, this is the best possible outcome, Aoi. Rin will continue her tutelage as the next Tohsaka head under me while Sakura will have the opportunity to be something more than just a bargaining chip as the adopted heiress of the Matou family. And I know, it's difficult. I know it's a selfish wish of mine to spin this situation so both girls can become powerful magus in their own right, even if I say it's for their sake. I only want my beloved daughters to have a happy future."

"-mean Sakura's leaving, Mother? S-She's my sister, she's a Tohsaka! And besides Uncle Kariya said his nephew was supposed to be the family magus! No reason at all for Sakura to given away! Let me talk to Father! I'll convince him otherwise, I just know-"

"This is for you Sakura. I-It took me a while to get it just right but here." Sniff. "An early birthday present from your big sister."

"-wanna go, I don't wanna go! Please! Mother, Father! Don't let them take me! NEE-SAN, PLEASE! DON'T LEAVE ME!"

Aoi fell to the floor on her hands and knees, barely registering the jabs of pain that sprouted on those points as she retched. Nothing came out though there was no solace in that fact, the pain and sheer anguish coursing through her mind still reigned supreme.

Tokiomi

The world around the woman darkened, allowing no light to reach her as was pulled deeper, deeper into the void.

"-to make a family with you. I'm not going to lie and pretend one of the main reasons isn't your bloodline's ability to birth talented children but even that aside, I do care for you Aoi. And I do not wish to force your decision or insult you by saying this but I must speak my mind. Matou Kariya is not coming back. He turned his back on this world, on his responsibility as a magus. I can't stop you if you wish to wait but I only ask to consider what I offer you here and now is concrete. And I would never leave you or my children behi-"

"-upposed be the smart one, yeah? So why the hell are you still waiting here with that stupid look on your face, Zenjou? That bastard skipped town the second the old worm decided disciplining him any further would be a waste of time, leaving his entire life behind like nothing. Don't tell me you still give a damn about that selfish ass after that? Best thing you and everyone else in this shitty place should do is forget that idiot ever existed. He made his choice, nobody else. He knew damn well the consequences that came with it. If you know what's best for you, let go of the past and don't let the present pass you by…"

"-ave to? I-I know it's his duty as the Tohsaka head to take part in the Holy Grail War and I know that he has help with… Kirei but maybe… maybe he shouldn't do it. O-Or he could just wait until I'm old enough, then he won't have to keep Kirei around and I can help instead. …I know what you're going to say Mother but I-I don't want to lose anything else. Not aft-"

The air felt thin. It was hard to breathe.

"That guy – it's his, fault – "

"Stop talking nonsense! You, what do you know! Someone who has never loved anyone before!"*

Her throat closed up, the phantom hands squeezing tighter and tighter till Aoi could only let out a choked gasp. Blood pounded in her ears and all other sensations bled away as memorfantasy invaded her entire being. Tears pricked at the edge of her clouded vision, the lack of air being the only thing keeping an agonized scream from erupting. The woman's eyes twisted shut as the pain became unbearable.

It hurt.

"-ther, ple-s"

Thinking hurt. Listening hurt. Breathing hurt. Living hurt. Remembering hurt.

"-ay with m-"

Pretending hurt.

"-the. In and out, just br-"

Tohsaka Aoi opened her eyes.

The sight of a messy, disorganized kitchen greeted her. The sight of her only daughter left, concern and desperation pouring out from her soundless words and the unshed tears. The sight of a lonely, broken home that could never ever be fixed, never ever be whole once more.

It still hurt. But she had long since given up any hope that it could get better. That she could heal.

The only thing she could answer with was apathy. Too much gone far too fast.

Sakura and Tokiomi. Even Kariya-kun.

She had lost every single one of them in the span of only two years, lost all of them for certain at the end of the cursed war.

Sakura, given away to the Matou, to live a life as their heir and birth the family's next chosen magus for the Fifth Holy Grail War.

Tokiomi, taken away from her by this damned conflict, butchered in spite by someone she once cherished.

And even Kariya-kun, lost to her far before any thought of the war, taken ahold of by a monster who only wore his skin.

What was the point in trying anymore if everything had already been taken away from her?

"-ease Mother. I-I need you break through this." Rin's voice was barely above a whisper as she hugged Aoi, somehow having wormed in between the woman's arms, head resting underneath her chin. "Please, I can't be alone. I can't. Not when I have you here. Not when you're all I have left."

Aoi was selfish. Disgustingly so.

It wasn't the first time she had left her child alone. Once, when Rin raced into the city thinking she could save her friend, only for Kariya-kun to rescue her. Twice, when she left to meet Tokiomi by the words of Kirei at the Fuyuki church, leaving Rin behind at home. And thrice…

But it was her only saving grace.

She couldn't be Rin's pillar of strength, not now. Not after what she had been through.

It would only end up hurting both of them in the end. And Aoi couldn'twouldn't be hurt again.

…Tokiomi was always the better parent when it came to consoling their daughters.

If it had been him, if he had been the one to survive maybe…

Maybe it would have been better.

Tohsaka Aoi, widower and mother of one, closed her eyes.

Aoi blinked, only just now hearing what her daughter had murmured to her.

Alone? Poor girl must miss her sister.

Good thing Sakura and Tokiomi were heading home soon. Giving her and Rin just enough time to tidy up for breakfast.

"Oh dear, it seems like you and I must have made quite a mess." Aoi smiled helplessly at her oldest, brushing away some stray moisture from her eyes. "Rin, do me a favor and sweep all this up." The girl in her arms stilled. "I have to start preparing breakfast. Your father and Sakura will be home soon after all."

"…Of course, Mother." Rin pulled away, tiny hands trembling for a moment but nodded all the same. When she raised her head back up to meet Aoi's gaze, she smiled thinly and brightly. "Wouldn't want to keep them waiting…"

The girl almost teleported out of the room to grab the broom catching the woman off guard.

"Good girl, though…"

The glossy sheen in her daughter's eyes must have been a trick of the light. Nothing to pay any mind to, not when her family was about to face the hardest test she could ever imagine.

These little moments wouldn't last forever even if she wished it with all her heart.

The Fourth Holy Grail War was only a few days away after all.

Phantasm- a product of fantasy or a figment of one's imagination

---

Salvation

May 11th 1994

"Night, Shirou-chan!"

Kiritsugu watched with no small amusement at the sight of Fujimura Taiga bearhugging the smaller boy from behind, picking him up and swinging him side to side with a mischievous grin. Her captive didn't share the same feeling of glee, however.

"Hey! I'm not a toy, lemme go!" The redhead twisted and squirmed around in the older girl's grip but found no escape. "Quit it, Fujimura-bab-"[1]

"What was that, Shirou-chan?" A very tangible promise of pain lied in Taiga's words, the smile from earlier only reinforcing it. "Sorry, I must have misheard you. My mistake." She pulled the still struggling (and now franticly eye-gesturing for Kiritsugu) boy closer still, hissing into his ear. "It's Fuji-nee, not Fujimura-san or -chan or any other honorifics. That and only that; am I understood, Shi~rou-channnnn~?"

Tonight had been a bit of a celebratory dinner for Kiritsugu and Shirou, with today being the last day of repairs for the Emiya residence. The property, in the state that Kiritsugu had bought it during the Holy Grail War, was barely habitable. Rotted and broken flooring, rusted and leaking plumbing, cracks throughout the foundation as well as a thick layer of dust coating the premises; all in all, a huge amount of work to be undertook. Neither of the pair had really cared to make a big deal of finally being done with all the fixing up but to the one who had sold this place to Kiritsugu and, more importantly, his granddaughter, such a milestone deserved a night of partying and takeout.

Now that all the festivities had come to an end, Kiritsugu and Shirou had followed Taiga out of the front door to say their goodbyes.

"Get offa me! Just cause the old timer tolerates you, that doesn't mean I have too!"

"Oh no, no, no. Until I get the answer, the right and only answer, we're staying stuck like this, Shirou. How about that?"

The feeling of nostalgia that came with watching the pair's antics was gratifying in a bittersweet way.

"Until I get the answer, I'll always be beside you. How's that?"*

A memory flashed over Kiritsugu's vision, the teenager and child being replaced with similar but infinitely different ghosts.

Light brown hair became darker, fair complexion to an island tan, though the amber eyes stayed the same.

Short red locks became spikey black, white to that same tan, golden-brown eyes dyed to a shining onyx.

A nostalgic smile found its way to the man's face though the dull pangs of pain in his heart that accompanied it felt far more welcome.

They were alike in so many ways but that only made Kiritsugu want to prevent any more regrets from forming.

"I can't do it myself –"

They would be different because he would make sure of it.

"It's already – over – before I completely lose control of myself – quick –"

No more tragedies.

"Please-" *

Never again.

"…Oi Old Man, get this crazy animal off me before I end up mauled."

The voice of his adopted son brought the man back to reality and he blinked. The scene before Kiritsugu became a bit less easy to identify with seeing as Taiga had shifted the innocent hug to a gentle but still very real sleeper hold on Shirou.

He supposed he should step in, mostly to assure Shirou he had made the right choice in trusting him over the orphanage, though there was something bothering the man…

"Taiga, move Shirou's head closer into the crook of your elbow and use your right arm to push down on-"

"What the hell, Old-" Shirou barely managed to send his adopted father a look of pure betrayal before being cut off, his breath quite literally taken away.

"Yes, exactly like that, well done."

"Woah! This is so much more secure now; he can barely move!" Taiga marveled over the improvements such a small adjustment to her form had netted with wide-eyed glee, turning to the man with a toothy grin. "Thanks Kiri-chan!"

"Oi, bozu." A gravelly voice called out from behind Kiritsugu. "I'm always glad to see a smile on my granddaughter's face but I don't think that getting on that boy of yours' bad side this early is a good idea. It's barely been three months since he's lived here with you, no telling if he actually likes your scruffy mug." The man's calloused hand clasped his shoulder and Kiritsugu turned to face the roguish grin of Fujimura Raiga. "Wouldn't want the brat to end up smothering you in your sleep over picking favorites."

The "scruffy" man in question raised an eyebrow. "Favorites?"

"No, I get it. Don't worry." Raiga nodded knowingly as he reached into his kimono for his pipe. "That knucklehead is one of a kind, just like her gramps. It's only to be expected that she would find a way to crack that wall of stoicism you've been hiding behind."

Kiritsugu winced, his right eye screwing closed as he allowed a weary frown to slip onto his features. "I'd rather put it as a means of adapting to a new way of life rather than something that…" His eyes fell from the older man to the ground before he shook his head with a low chuckle. "Something that painfully accurate."

"Just so long as you recognize it." Raiga let out a puff of smoke and walked past the younger man, gaze trained on the bickering pair of children. "Both you and that brat you picked up act like damn robots at times, taking a little care to enjoy yourselves like this wouldn't kill you."

"…I know. If it hadn't been for Taiga-chan, this dinner wouldn't have even happened."

Parenting had always been a difficult thing for Kiritsugu to wrap his head around, with both children in mind. It was somewhat of a given with his own unique upbringing of being raised by a magus on the run. There was a clear contrast in the ways his father acted to the world and to his son; complete disregard for human life so long as the sacrifice led to a breakthrough in his research and the caring, somewhat strict way he had raised Kiritsugu. A juxtaposition that had always caused him grief.

Even now, the only thing Kiritsugu had to do was close his eyes to be whisked back to that day ten years ago.

The stench of death and smoke spreading like a plague. The disgusting taste of blood pooling in his mouth from biting down his screams as the village was overrun. The foreign yet now sickeningly familiar feeling of cold, unfeeling metal in his hands as he leveled the pistol at his father's neck. His hand tightly grasping that weapon like a lifeline.

Or rather like it was clinging to him, like a curse.

These memories that Kiritsugu could never let go and was burdened to never forget, they were due to his father. And it was something that Kiritsugu never would forgive him for.

But that same monster who took Shirley away from him, who destroyed Alimango Island, he had made it possible for Kiritsugu to have a childhood even as a magus hiding from the Clocktower.

It wasn't a comfortable or even easy upbringing, but it would be a lie to say that Kiritsugu didn't enjoy those early years with his father. Even with the burden of having lost his wife to the Sealing Designation Enforcers hunting him not long after his son's birth, Norikata had done everything in his power to keep the boy alive and well even if it had meant putting himself in even more risk of being found. Kiritsugu had the rare opportunity to be a child and actually act his age, playing with local kids and spending his days relatively unburdened even though the two were always on the move. Something that most magus children couldn't relate to.

There were obviously issues Kiritsugu had with that kind of lifestyle of being on the run but despite it all, the man had always tried to be a loving father in all the limited ways he could manage.

Emiya Norikata was not a good man. But he was a great father.

Kiritsugu knew he couldn't say that himself. The first part sure but…

"Will you wait for me, Illya? Can you stand to be alone until daddy comes back?"

He was nothing more than scum. A failure of a person as well as a father.

"Enough of that sorry ass moping you're doing, brat." Kiritsugu was brought from his thoughts abruptly by the yakuza head rapping the man's forehead with the end of his still-lit pipe. "Too damn old to have your head still in the clouds and not nearly old enough to be senile."

Kiritsugu rubbed the spot where he was hit but chuckled all the same. "Sorry, I guess you and Taiga-chan got me thinking about how I've been with Shirou. Maybe I have been a bit too detached…"

"…"

Instead of agreeing at once like he had expected him to, Raiga stood silently staring at the former magus with an odd intensity. Nothing about his body language stood out, no sign of tension anywhere other than a wrinkled brow but that itself could be attributed to the life he had lived as a yakuza. But if there was one thing Kiritsugu had learned in his own tumultuous history as a mercenary, eyes can speak far clearer than the mouth ever could.

For someone as loud and boisterous as the leader of the Fujimura Group, this kind of wordless scrutiny was something that even Kiritsugu found troubling.

"Raiga?"

"…Hah, so she really was right then." The older man dropped his gaze to the ground and let out a heavy, tired sigh that matched his age, something he normally did his best to distance himself from but didn't seem to care about right now. "Damn it, I had really hoped you'd have a better head on your shoulders than this. Especially with the kind of responsibility you've decided to take up."

Besides his father and Natalia, Kiritsugu never really cared for how his elders viewed him but hearing the pure disappointment in Raiga's voice did send a jab of shame though his heart. He focused on the easier of the two topics to broach. "She? Taiga-chan, you mean?"

Raiga met the younger man's eyes once more, this time markedly softer but still with his displeasure clear. "Yes, my fourteen-year-old granddaughter who somehow is better at dealing with trauma than a man who decided to adopt a freshly orphaned boy."

This time Kiritsugu didn't bother hiding behind ill humor, a defeated smile pulling at his lips as his gaze fell.

The man had known from the beginning that it was foolish to think he would be anything close to a positive influence on Shirou. The boy needed someone who would be able to guide him, help him heal from his loss and move forward into the future unburdened by the past. Someone who could teach him how to live again. Someone who was nothing like him.

He had been broken far, far before the war. From the moment he had accepted the lives of the many outweigh the few lives he held dear, when he had first closed his heart to kill that monster, he had been shattered beyond repair. It was only to be expected that Raiga, a man who knew liars and fakes better than even himself, would see through him like this.

"You're right…" Kiritsugu spoke no louder than a whisper, just loud enough for only Raiga to hear. "I haven't done anything to help, nothing that matters for his recovery. Shirou deserves better than a fool like me."

To be fair, it hadn't been something Kiritsugu had even considered when he had found the boy in that hell on earth.

Even then, even when faced with a helpless child who had lost everything and more, he had only himself in mind.

"Bah, forget about it. It's not your fault." Raiga paused and raised his head to the sky in thought. "…Well, it kinda is but that's not the point."

"Not the point? Don't try and sugarcoat it, Raiga. You and I know full well that I'm not the sort of role model Shirou should look up to, let alone someone who should be rais-"

The younger man hadn't bothered to look up from the ground as he spoke so Raiga grabbing him by the shoulder and shaking him, in a sternly yet restrained fashion, caught Kiritsugu off-guard. He froze, eyes jumping to the pair of children still preoccupied with their playful squabble, before relaxing and letting out a relieved sigh.

Not like there really was anything to hide but still. Kids should never see their guardians fighting.

"That was clear the moment I saw your sorry ass walk through the front doors of this place with the boy, the two of you brats lugging an almost offensive amount of shopping bags around your arms and necks like a damn circus act." The gruff tone Raiga took made it clear that he was joking. Somewhat. "The fact that other than smokes and a tiny knapsack, you didn't have a single thing to bring into here before that shopping spree, that was telling enough." He paused to take another drag from his pipe but didn't take his gaze from Kiritsugu. "You're lucky that I took pity on you, for the boy more than anything else, and left the place furnished. Could have made you pay outta pocket like I normally do. Anyways," Raiga exhaled slowly, smoke wafting through the air between them as if to close the two men off from the rest of the world, "I now realize that I should have had a talk with you about that boy of yours sooner."

Kiritsugu had been expecting an exchange like this to come up at some point, even if he had been hoping anything but. There was a reason that he kept at arm's reach with most people now that he lived in Fuyuki, doubly so when it involved Shirou. Other than the Fujimura Group and their head's darling granddaughter, there really was only the head monk on top of Mount Enzo and the owner of Copenhagen (and both of those were acquaintances made by in part from Taiga's meddling) that were close to the Emiya. Any single one a better parent/guardian than Kiritsugu meaning they knew very well that the boy wasn't in the best of hands. It was no doubt his own beyond rotten luck that Raiga would be the one to would call him out on his own ineptitude.

Raiga pulled back his hand, eyes tracing Kiritsugu's form for a moment more then raising up to the night sky once more. "…I know that I've never really put any interest in learning about you and your life before you settled here in Fuyuki since it was right after that tragedy but I suppose now's a good time as any to ask. Shirou-kun, he's not your first child, is he?"

Maybe it was because Fujimura Raiga was someone who seemed to always know a bit more than he should with just about everything, maybe it was because Kiritsugu hadn't been able to confide in a single other person about his fears and self-loathing ever since Iri had passed on, maybe it was because the bottle of Devil King they had been sipping on earlier in the night was finally affecting him, Kiritsugu didn't bother hiding his shame from the man.

"No… he isn't." Opposite to his elder, Kiritsugu's gaze fell to the ground. "Before I came here to Fuyuki, frankly before I had even known this city existed, I had a family. And just like Shirou, after that night, I lost it all." Even though the two were never far from his mind just the mention of them from his own lips after so long tore at Kiritsugu, grief and self-hatred flooding his entire being with each word spoken. "…My wife and daughter, the two of them suffered from my arrogance and foolish ignorance. Gone because of my actions."

Not in the same way, something he was grateful beyond words about but that was the only silver lining. Kiritsugu knew that Illya had only been allowed to be born to serve as the Lesser Grail in the Fifth Holy Grail War in the case he failed to actualize the Einzbern's wish, even if she had been born from the love between Kiritsugu and Iri. There was no doubt in his mind that Jubstacheit had already started preparations for the next Heaven's Feel the moment he had learned that the grail wasn't used to bring forth the Third Magic and now Illya was to pay the price for his broken promise.

Alone.

Kiritsugu had already tried to see her again once, right after Shirou had been cleared from the hospital. He had left the boy in the care of Raiga and had left for Germany with nothing more than the clothes on his back and a sinking feeling of dread in his stomach. And his intuition was correct, he wasn't able to see his daughter let alone pass through the Einzbern bounded field.

He spent a week trudging through waist deep snow during a blizzard, searching for something, anything that would point him to the starting point of the barrier if only to be found and punished in Illya's stead but that wasn't possible. Jubstacheit von Einzbern had already found the best possible way to punish Emiya Kiritsugu, keeping the man from ever seeing his daughter.

For all intents and purposes, Illya was lost to him and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

And like most things in Kiritsugu's life, the blame rested solely on his shoulders.

"I see." Raiga hadn't looked away from the stars but his voice had become noticeably softer. "Yes, I guess that does fit rather well with what I've seen from you these past few months."

"…I know that it doesn't make it any less reprehensible, but I had hoped-" Kiritsugu stopped himself abruptly, biting his lip in self-reproach before shaking his head. "I had wanted nothing more than to save someone, anyone and fill the void losing both of them had made. Not for their salvation, but for mine. Shirou and his wellbeing, it was only a means to an end for my selfish atonement."

"…So what?"

Kiritsugu's head shot back up, an expression of pure incredulity on his face as he stared back at the seemingly unfazed man. "W-what? Did you not hear me? Nothing that I did for Shirou that day, none of it was for hi-"

"Like I said, bozu, so what? What does that have to do with Shirou-kun right now?"

Raiga stared back at Kiritsugu, expression no less indifferent but there was a challenging, severe gleam in the man's eyes that stunned the former Magus Killer silent.

It was easy to forget between the worry-free, seemingly irresponsible way he held himself even when working with the Fujimura Group and the nights of late-night drinking Kiritsugu had shared with the man after Shirou had fallen asleep these past few months but Fujimura Raiga was not a man that had softened with age. Such a hardened persona came with the territory, being the head of a yakuza family for most of his life, but this was different than before.

It wasn't the gaze of a man tempered by crime and violence. These were the eyes of a father, of a grandfather.

"I know your type, bo-" The old yakuza cut himself off and shook his head, turning his gaze back to Shirou and Taiga. "…Men like you are somewhat of a common sight in the trade. Once burned, twice shy; afraid to get close, to let themselves open up again after whatever or whoever was taken from them. Some quit trying, isolating themselves with only money and work as companions. Others, they do what they can to try and make things work but are far too removed for the relationships to work out. Divorces and estranged kids, and the only way they stay connected is a check through the mail." He let out a sound of discontent and took another puff from his pipe, renewing the smoky haze with a weighty sigh. "And the rest, they're like you."

"…And what does that mean?"

"In a word, fools."

Kiritsugu's jaw tightened and he couldn't stop the weary, angry sneer that formed from the other man's words. "The hell do you want from me? I already know damn well that I am one of the worst people to take in a child, let alone someone as damaged as Shirou! You think I don't know that?! That I don't realize what a foolish, selfish bastard I've been by doing this?! I can't be the same as you, the same as I was with Il-" His voice broke, fury ebbing away to be replaced with sorrow, "with my daughter, Illya." The man's head fell once more. "…I can't do that again. For mine and for Shirou's sake."

He had already made peace with the fact that he was irredeemable from the beginning, the moment he had resolved to become an Ally of Justice all those years ago. And now, after losing everything he held dear and the only chance he had to bring his dream to realization, there was nothing left for him but to use what little time he had remaining to make up for his sins.

It was the only thing left he could cling to.

"…We really have got to have a good, long talk about your sense of self-worth, Kiritsugu." Raiga's shoulders fell as he turned his gaze once more to Kiritsugu. "That's not what I meant, though I guess that just means you're a fool in more ways than one."

Kiritsugu bit back a retort, managing to curb his growing frustration by glaring at the older man instead. There was a point to what Raiga was saying, had to be.

He could only hope the man would get to it before his patience completely ran out.

"What you're doing right now, it's not healthy. For either of you." The yakuza head stated plainly after a moment, lips pulled thin in a tight frown. "If you believe yourself to be a horrible person then I can't stop you. Brood on your failures and beat yourself up for what you've done as much as you wish. But don't try and pretend that you're doing anyone any favors with that pitiful act, Kiritsugu. Shirou doesn't need that kind of half-assed guidance. What he needs is a father." He paused once more, the softened furrow in his brow being the only sign of the older man's concern behind the austere front. "There is a difference between atonement and punishment. And I'm sure you know which one you fall under."

The fire in Kiritsugu's chest dropped from a steady blaze to a low smolder but that didn't do much for his anger other than pointing it back at himself, replying with a scoff. "Both, if there is justice in the world."

This time, Raiga didn't hide his exasperation behind stoicism, displeasure clearly present in his eyes. "I'll be completely candid with you since you'll obviously twist my words in to some kind of BS criticism/me blaming you for every single mistake you've ever made."

That was a gross over exaggeration and given the way the old ass' lips ticked upward, he could tell how much that annoyed Kiritsugu.

"Kiritsugu, I don't give a damn about any of the things you've told me about your past." The man raised a hand the moment Kiritsugu opened his mouth, eyes narrowing for a moment, daring him to interrupt. "All that complex speech you were using to put yourself down, it didn't matter. Do you know why?" Kiritsugu hesitated for a second and opened his mouth but Raiga continued again without his input. "Even if I felt a certain way about what you told me, even if I now felt nothing but hatred for you and wanted you to suffer, it'd be meaningless." The grin that Raiga had been wearing had slowly lost its cheer the more than man had spoken and now, as he stood before Kiritsugu eyes sympathetic, the wide beam was replaced with a thin, sad smile. "You already are punishing yourself far worse than anyone else could."

"…And that makes it alright in your eyes? After everything you heard?"

Raiga chuckled softly and shook his head. "No but it's enough. Enough for you to move on and start living again. For his sake and yours."

Silence fell between the two men as Kiritsugu digested what was said.

Guilt was something that had become attached to the final remaining Emiya from the beginning, bonded to the man like a second shadow. Only growing bigger as time ticked on, each lull only a distraction that would end with him falling ever further into despair. The depth of which wasn't something that could be swept away by a few words of provocation but, albeit grudgingly, Kiritsugu saw what his elder was getting at.

There really was only one person who cared about how terrible a person Emiya Kiritsugu was.

Himself.

His sins, his failures, his weakness, only Kiritsugu knew of them. And as such, only he himself demanded a price to be paid.

His punishment had never once been for anyone else's benefit even back then, it was just a way to cope with the guilt.

The guilt of being too weak to save Shirley from herself, the guilt of how he justified taking Natalia's life, the guilt of making so many promises to Iri and fulfilling none of them.

The guilt of failing time and time again.

It was cyclical, a constant form of self-destruction that Kiritsugu had indulged in his entire life as if it were ritual. And if he was being honest, it was something he needed.

This world was far too kind, far too forgiving giving him these many chances for happiness.

Shirley, Natalia, Maiya, Iri, Illya …Shirou

If he didn't punish himself, who would?

But it had lost its purpose somewhere in the past. Punishment was supposed to be something dreaded, not something to find relief in. Even when suffering from the weight of his ideals and failures, Kiritsugu had found solace in the certainty of guilt.

Instead of shackles, it was the comforting embrace of justice being served against the most despicable villain.

And that…

Kiritsugu couldn't help but snort in derisive amusement, a helpless smile playing at his lips. "This much, it's nothing close to what I really deserve but you're right, Raiga. I'm done with trying to protect myself from guilt like this. For his sake at least."

That was his greatest sin of all.

"Nothing wrong with a bit of selfishness in moderation." The older man's grin returned with a vengeance, all tension slipping from his features as he gave Kiritsugu a hearty slap on the back. "You had me worried there for a bit, Kiritsugu. Glad to see you're finally listening to reason." Raiga tipped the end of his pipe over, letting the spent embers of tobacco fall before pocketing it and turning his gaze back to the children. "And while I appreciate you considering my thoughts on the matter, it's not me that you need to be justifying or making things up to."

"…Right again." Kiritsugu sighed and shook his head. "You know, I had heard how formidable you were as a yakuza from all over Fuyuki but no one said anything about your therapeutic chops."

Raiga shrugged. "Comes with the territory. Can't be a very good leader or gramps if you don't understand what makes people tick."

With that all having been said, the two men met eyes and made their way back to the kids.

It was clear that both Taiga and Shirou had been preoccupied while they had been talking seeing as the pairs' clothing was streaked in grass stains and in the boy's case, a very noticeable welt on his forehead.

"So what did we learn?"

"…To respect your elders… Fuj-"

Taiga tilted her head with a smile.

"…Fuji-nee." Shirou ground out.

"I see that you two have kept yourselves busy while we were chatting." Raiga's voice broke through before his granddaughter could jump up in victory and no doubt infuriate the boy further.

Taiga bounced from where she had been, though not before playfully sticking her tongue out at Shirou, to right between him and Kiritsugu linking arms with both seamlessly.

"Finally done with the grownup talk, Jiji?"

It was telling that neither man reacted to the girl's mannerisms other than letting her swing their arms back and forth as they walked.

Raiga shook his head at her question. "Hardly anything that I couldn't say in front of you brats, just had to give this blockhead a nudge in the right direction."

"Ah, gotcha." Taiga's eyes darted between Kiritsugu and Shirou for an instant before beaming up at the "blockhead" in question. "Glad to hear it!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Shirou quirked an eyebrow as he stared at the three of them, annoyance replaced with confusion. "The old man was doing something wrong?"

Kiritsugu couldn't stop the small twitch of his right eye as he answered. "You could say that…"

He was saved from explaining further though by the sound of Raiga clapping his hands together. "Well then," the man began, "I think that it's about time that the two of us head out." He turned to Taiga at his left and rolled up the sleeve of the arm she was linked to, showing her his watch. "What say you, kiddo?"

Taiga peered closely at the timepiece and tilted her head. "You sure? Looks like it's only a quarter before midnight so I… think… we…" The girl's speech slowed to a halt and for a moment, her face was twisted in a genuine expression of befuddlement.

"ALMOST MIDNIGHT?! CRAP CRAP CRAP, I STILL HAVE AN ESSAY TO WRITE FOR MY ENGLISH LANGUAGE CLASS!" Which was almost instantly eclipsed by the sheer panic that flooded her form, jumping up ramrod straight and dragging Raiga to the end of the courtyard. "JIJI, WE GOTTA GO! IF MOM FINDS OUT I CAME TO OUT TO PLAY WITH KIRI AND SHIROU-CHAN WITHOUT WRITING IT, I'M GONNA BE GROUNDED TILL I'M FORTY!"

"That settles that." Raiga chuckled as he was lugged by his errant granddaughter, glancing back over his shoulder at the Emiya pair. "I think this means good night, you two. And remember what we talked about, bozu."

Kiritsugu nodded. "I hear you, Raiga. And thanks, you and Taiga-chan take care as well."

Shirou raised an arm and waved. "Good night, gramps." After a short pause came a quieter "…And good night, Fuji-nee."

"NIGHT, KIRI-CHAN AND SHIROU-CHAN! AHH, WHY DO I ALWAYS FORGET THINGS LIKE THIS ANd procras…" The rest faded from earshot as the two Fujimuras started on their way home.

"…I know that it's nothing new but is having her over always gonna leave me this tired?"

Kiritsugu couldn't help but chuckle. "Better get used to it Shirou. Big sister types like Taiga-chan are all like that."

Shirou looked back at him over his shoulder. "Speaking from experience?"

"I was in your exact shoes once upon a time." The sound of a car starting up and the screech of tires that accompanied let Kiritsugu know the pair had set off so he gestured back at the house with his head. "Ready to head back in?"

"Yup." Shirou popped the p as walked past the man. "I really need a bath after all that, I'm beat."

Kiritsugu followed close behind, closing the front door and locking it before pausing. The conversation with Raiga played again in his mind and the man knew that the last thing he needed to do was push something like this back.

"Shirou," the boy's head popped out from the corner of the hallway as he called out, "I'd like to talk to you for a bit. About your future."

"Uh, sure." Shirou looked a little confused but stepped back into full view. "Porch?"

"Porch."

It was too pleasant of a night not to. Besides, Kiritsugu was sure the night air had contributed to making that exchange with Raiga as frictionless as it could be.

The screen doors were opened and the two stepped out to the backyard with Kiritsugu taking a seat on the porch ledge and Shirou standing across from him in the grass.

The man was certain that Shirou knew why he was pulling him aside so he started without preamble.

"Shirou, why do you want to learn magecraft?"

Instead of getting riled up like Kiritsugu had thought he would, thinking the question was a jumping off point to beginning his training, Shirou was oddly pensive before answering.

"…You use magecraft to make the medicine I take each night, right?"

"Yes." He raised an eyebrow at the silence that again followed. "…Is it not helping with your dreams anymore? I can't really up the dosage any more than what I've already been giving you Shirou but I can see if there's something else I can tr-"

Shirou cut him off with a shake of his head, turning his back to the man as he looked up at the sky.

"Shirou? If there's something wrong, tell me."

"…'s fine." The boy murmured, giving a halfhearted shrug. "It's working like how you said it would. I can manage."

Meaning that it wasn't nearly as effective as Kiritsugu had hoped it would be. He would have to take another look at that old field magecraft book Natalia had given him.

Kiritsugu didn't reply this time, letting Shirou sort through his thoughts in silence until he was ready.

The only sounds around them were the soft whistling breeze and gentle rustling of trees, complete calm accompanied by the shining full moon. Nights like this reminded Kiritsugu of the past, the snippets of tranquil he had before all the chaos. Memories of being a child on that island, of spending nights traveling in between jobs talking under the stars, of walking through snowcapped trees hand in hand.

Ah, the moon really was nice tonight.

"…I'm weak." Shirou broke through the stillness with a voice barely above a whisper. "Completely helpless and useless, I know that from that night. I couldn't save anyone, let alone myself." There was a pause. And Kiritsugu understood. "I wanna get stronger, strong enough to never feel that powerless again and I know that magecraft can give me the strength I'm looking for but that's not the real reason." Shirou gave a small huff before moving next to Kiritsugu and hopping down to sit next to him, head down and hand balled together.

"And that real reason is?"

"I wanna help. You and everyone else." The boy's hands tightened in his lap. "I know I was no good back then but I- If I can learn something like this then I have a use. I have a way that I can do good, do something instead of like last time." His voice trailed off and he went still for a moment before shaking it off. Short enough that Kiritsugu didn't mention it but long enough for it to worry him. "Then I can pay back the life that I was given, to you and to them."

Kiritsugu grimaced and placed a hand on Shirou's shoulder. "You don't owe anyone anything for surviving that terrible night, let alone m-"

"But I do!" Shirou's head shot up and the man could see the desperate look in the boy's eyes. "I was a coward, passing by as people died right in front of me like it had nothing to do with me! It doesn't matter that I couldn't do anything to save them, I never even cared to think about it, only worried about myself!" Shirou's eyes screwed shut and his fists became white-knuckle, nails biting into his palms as his breathing began to hitch. "I-I know it's stupid to think about since I'm just a kid but-"

Kiritsugu cut him off, pulling the child into his embrace. "…No. It isn't stupid at all, Shirou. It just means you have a big heart." His arms tightened around the smaller frame. "…More than most. That is nothing to be ashamed of."

The two stayed like that for a while, Shirou clutching Kiritsugu like a lifeline as the man silently hugged him into his chest. The boy had been sucking in air through a series of sobs and his skin had become clammy as he held him, all leading signs of the beginning of a panic attack but managed to slowly but surely calm down.

Kiritsugu pulled him away a little and gave him a onceover. "Are you sure you're alright, Shirou?"

"Yeah." Shirou took a deep breath and looked up to meet the man's eyes. "I'm fine now. And I'm ready." There was a steadiness in his gaze that hadn't been there before. "To tell you why I want this."

It was difficult, seeing the same child he had only barely been able to save looking back at him with that level of resolve, all for the purpose of opening himself up the same kind of danger that had put him in this position. But Kiritsugu couldn't use that as an excuse. Not when he knew exactly how it felt.

Kiritsugu opened his arms and let Shirou scoot back to where he had been sitting, giving a small nod once the boy looked back at him. "Go ahead."

"I… I want to learn magic and stuff cause that would make it easier to help you, Old Man."

"Shirou, I thought I said you don't need to feel like you owe me any-"

"I know!" The boy shouted. "I know." He repeated softer. "But that doesn't change the fact that you've done so much for me when I haven't been able to do jack other than help with moving." Shirou looked down at his hands, eyebrows knitted together with frustration at the thought of it. "If learning magecraft means that I can make my own medicine and take at least one thing off your back then I wanna do it."

And therein laid the root of why Kiritsugu was conflicted. He himself had gone down the very path that Shirou was begging to be led down, the descent into magecraft as a means to cope with tragedy. Speaking from sordid, bloody experience, the man knew that just by allowing the boy to study the basic of basics, he was exposing him to a whole new world of dangers.

Growing up the child of a notorious Sealing Designee as well as having his own head plastered on bounty boards across the globe was proof enough that it wasn't just exaggerated caution.

If they went through with beginning Shirou's education, he would do his damndest to prevent the boy from following in his bloodstained footprints but…

It wouldn't be enough.

In Kiritsugu's eyes, nothing other than removing the possibility would be enough to ease his fears.

The flipside of it was far simpler. Shirou wanted to do good. Regardless of his reasons, regardless of the means available to him, Kiritsugu knew that the boy would commit his whole being into helping people simply because he knew it was right. There was the very apparent issue presented by letting Shirou do as he pleased in his desire to help, the boy's almost non-existent sense of self-worth and the need to have validation just for living, but that was also something Kiritsugu couldn't criticize him for.

The man let out a weighty sigh and shook his head, defeated but not disappointed.

It was like staring back at a mirror.

"…You know, you're younger than I was when I first began to learn."

Shirou tried and failed to hide his pout. "Does that mean no again?"

Kiritsugu smiled softly. "No for the time being, there's no need to sell off your childhood so soon."

"For the ti- You mean you'll teach me? Really?"

The former magus killer patted the boy's head, musing his hair gently. "Selflessness isn't a trait commonly found in magus. Magecraft for the benefit of others is practically unheard of. If you ask me, both are something that are sorely needed in this world and if teaching you means that I can pass on both to the future then I'd be a fool not to."

Yes, he liked the sound of that. Passing on values opposed to the burden of a crest, choice over obligation.

"But not anytime soon." Shirou peeked up at him and the man chuckled at the return of his downtrodden expression. "Your body is still weak from recovering from the fire. The medicine I've been giving you has been helping but you're still too young for your body to handle both that and learning magecraft. Not to mention how you've only just barely stabilized from the… healing spell I cast on you when I found you, Shirou. Waiting is only for your benefit."

He didn't look convinced but nodded all the same. "…I guess."

"You've still got a lot of growing up to do, Shirou. There's no rush." Kiritsugu paused as a particular thing Shirou had said earlier came to mind. "And just saying this now, item creation like with your medicine isn't something I'd be teaching you, Shirou. The basics is all you really need to know and all I'm willing to teach you about."

"Better than nothing." Shirou shrugged.

"Well then, that's all I wanted to say. You can get back to cleaning up and getting ready for bed, Shirou."

"Gotcha." The boy said with a nod, getting up from the ledge and starting to make his way back to his room.

Kiritsugu didn't follow him quite yet, wanting to enjoy the night for a little longer. It hadn't been more than ten seconds when Shirou called out to him.

"And Old Man," The former magus killer turned to look at his adopted son, "I appreciate this. Really."

"…I know."

Shirou nodded again before turning away, leaving Kiritsugu outside alone.

Quiet returned and for the first time in a while, he allowed himself to relax completely. Thoughts of what had led to tonight's events lingered in his mind but Kiritsugu couldn't find it in himself to be annoyed.

It wasn't ideal, exposing Shirou to any part of that side of the world but he had seen the boy's resolve firsthand. He knew exactly how it felt to be powerless, useless in the only way that mattered.

Shirou had the same inherent desire as Kiritsugu had. Being able to mentor him meant the man could make sure the boy wouldn't use the same methods he had taken up to help others.

"I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing but…"

Even if it was foolish,

"I can't help but be hopeful. For the future, for his future."

It still really was a beautiful dream.

"…Think you can watch over him too? Now and once I'm gone, Shirley?"

There was only the moon to answer him. Even then, Kiritsugu smiled.

"Thanks."

Salvation- preservation from destruction or failure

---

Sprout

May 14th 1994

Work is easy, people are hard.

It was a way of thinking Byakuya had subscribed to early on, once he had come to the conclusion that being of use made it easier for others to ignore the glaring flaws he had.

At least, that's how his five-year-old self rationalized Zouken finally stopping the nigh daily torture sessions he called training once Byakuya had been able to assist him in his preparations for the next Holy Grail War.

The menial labor of grabbing whatever litany of gruesome ingredients and running to and fro the library for whatever obscure tome the old bag of wrinkles was looking for changed to handling the finances of the Matou and maintenance of the many properties Zouken owned as the years went on.

It wasn't all that disagreeable. Being stuck in his room pouring over numbers and expenses meant that for the most part, Byakuya wasn't interrupted by either of his jackass family members.

That being said, it didn't mean he didn't have his own fair share of headaches from accounting.

"…Damnit, I know that continuing to have dealings with those half-blooded bastards is only to our benefit but do they have to make things so damn difficult?" Byakuya cursed, tossing down the letter he'd been reading. "Sending out a bullshit invitation to "discuss the terms of our financial partnership and adjust disbursement and dues given the changing times" as if I don't know they just want to suck us dry and leave us as close to broke as possible."

The man stood up from his desk, covered with countless sheets of paper strewn about and equally as many empty bottles of alcohol, with a look of disgust. And then, hearing the downright disturbing sound of his back popping in reckless abandon, he glanced across his room to the alarm clock that sat right next to his bed on a table. 9:08 PM shone from its illuminated face and the stiffness he was feeling made perfect sense.

Byakuya had been stuck at his desk for the past seven hours.

He clicked his tongue and stretched for real, wincing at how tight everything felt.

That did it. He needed a break and to stretch his legs. That and a cold beer.

He'd leave writing a response later, when he was sure his annoyance wouldn't end up seeping into his words. Like hell he was going to travel all the way to Misaki just to have those glorified bridge trolls piss him off in person.

Byakuya pulled on a pair of shoes and made his way to the door, stepping over piles of dirty clothes and trash, opening it only to be greeted with the chirring of insects and an extremely unwelcome sight.

"The hell do you want, Old Bastard?"

Matou Zouken appeared with a chuckle, coming to form in front of the man. "Good evening to you as well, Byakuya-kun."

"If you're just here to piss me off, you're already too late." Byakuya managed to curb a more colorful response from escaping his lips, waving the family head away with a grimace. "The masterminds of that little coup you helped back more than a decade ago are some of the most insufferable assholes I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with."

The ancient magus raised a hairless eyebrow before nodding with a low hum. "Ah, the remnants of the Saiki Financial Group. That boy, Makihisa, now stands at the head if I recall correctly."

If Zouken knew that pain in the ass personally, why did he have to be the one who had to deal with this kind of stupidity? Especially since it was the wrinkled bastard's fault the Matou were even associated with those oni-blooded bastards in the first place.

Byakuya wisely kept the thoughts to himself, though he wasn't quite able to keep the irritation from his face. "There's your status report, now leave me alone." He turned away from his elder and started to walk past him down the hallway.

"One moment."

Only to be stopped in his tracks by the frigid tone of Zouken.

Byakuya cursed under his breath, turning back to face the magus with arms crossed. "…Make it quick, I'm too sober to bother talking to you much longer."

Zouken regarded his "son" with an amused raised eyebrow. "It is rather admirable that you have a spine in my presence even without any of that so called liquid courage. Though, do take care not to forget yourself, Byakuya." The wizened man lost all emotion, moving within a foot of Byakuya and continuing coolly. "It wouldn't do for you to mistake my patience for complacence."

Byakuya met the unspoken challenge with already cracked resolve, flinching when he met Zouken's cold eyes. Any resistance the man had crumbled and his gaze fell to the floor with a defeated growl. "What do you need from me, Zouken?"

The sadistic bastard let out a pleased hum. "That's more like it."

Byakuya bit the inside of his lip hard, staunching the fear and self-reproach welling inside with the taste of iron. He refused to give him the satisfaction.

"Well then, now that you've become far more agreeable, I have a request." Zouken grinned snidely but shook off his mirth once it was clear there would be no response. "Sakura-chan is in need of a bit of assistance. It appears I may have been a bit too… overzealous in my teachings today and the poor child hasn't been able to muster up the strength to move even after an hour." The magus hardly seemed concerned despite his words, his tone of voice not at all matching the glimmer of amusement in his eyes. "After eighteen straight hours in the pit, even I found myself impressed with her tenacity though I suppose expecting her to handle this much and continue without shutting down was far too ambitious, regardless of any gained determination."

"…The girl?"

Byakuya honestly didn't see this coming. It wasn't like he didn't keep an eye on the brats, despite what muttered curses Shinji spat out before setting out for shopping trips. After all, who was it that left the very money the little ass spent on the dining table and made sure to attend any of those god-awful parent-teacher meetings even it only was to remove any suspicion towards him and the old bastard.

On paper, it was Byakuya who was Sakura's legal guardian and for the most part, the man did what the title asked of him. During the first year Sakura had stayed with the Matou, it had been him that had made sure the girl was still breathing. After the first three days she had spent with them, there was little sign of life behind the child's eyes but that didn't mean she didn't need to be bathed or fed.

He understood everything that lied behind that empty gaze. That didn't make it any easier.

Sakura, at first, she had been confused, upset but not quite sure at what. Unlike her older sister, she simply didn't understand that her parents had abandoned her and truly how could she? The girl had the privilege of up to that point, having an idyllic and loving childhood, complete with a mother and father that doted on her as well as a big sister who cherished her even though Sakura was free from the burden of learning magecraft unlike Rin.

It's no surprise the poor kid didn't have a clue what being offloaded to the Matou meant.

Byakuya could easily admit he was a callous piece of shit, it came with the territory of living in this hellscape as well as being related (if not distantly by who knows how many generations) to the old worm. He was sure his heart had completely hardened the night his wife was taken from him.

The harrowing screams of a little girl screaming out for her parents, her sister, for anyone to save her proved very soundly that he was wrong.

The man had known that Matou Zouken was an unforgivable monster in every sense of the word beforehand, understanding full well the utter depravity he had subjected to the family members before him but seeing it firsthand to someone unrelated no less…

Seeing sick bastard deprive a child of her innocence for nothing more than an added percent of success in his insane deathgame broke something in Byakuya.

He didn't involve himself with the girl. Sure Byakuya did as he was told, making sure the girl was physically healthy even if it meant shoveling food down her throat those first few weeks that she was in a near catatonic state and bathing her but anything more than that, nothing. No talking, no physical contact, and hardly even stayed in the same room. If he was being honest, he probably avoided Sakura more than he did Shinji.

Nowadays, the only time he'd even see Sakura was if Zouken needed him to stand in on her training while he left to check up on his properties throughout Japan or whatever magus bullshit he had planned.

Still, Byakuya did all this without complaint.

Half of it because it was his duty, the other…

"…I'll bring her to her room."

Guilt.

"Good, good." Zouken nodded twice before turning away from Byakuya, looking past him down the hall to the foyer. "Now then, I will be away from the grounds for the rest of the night. There are a few things I wish to personally look into now that all the excitement of the Fourth has passed. Do keep things in order while I'm gone."

Byakuya's cheek twitched. "Sure."

The magus walked past him, making it a few steps from the stairs before stopping and glancing back over his shoulder. "I'll have you know, between the three of us Matou men, I find that Sakura-chan favors you over myself or even Shinji-kun though I can't fathom why. Perhaps there is a reason for it, that foolish woman saw something of value in you even if it was for naught. Something about inadequacy must draw them. That may be the single advantage you've held over Kariya." An absolutely repulsive sneer pulled at the ghoul's lips. "It certainly made the betrothal between ours and that impotent, lowborn blood of hers painless even if it was for three short years. A shame she had to pay the price for that same inadequacy."

Byakuya saw red.

Every muscle, every part of his being roared at him, demanding that he rip that sick sack of shit apart. Smashing each and every single one of those disgusting worms he was made of no matter the cost. Damn the consequences, damn whoever got caught up in it.

It wasn't a new sensation.

The metallic taste of blood renewed violently but he didn't move an inch.

Zouken had been watching him keenly as he spoke, like a specimen on a lab table rather than family, erupting into downright maniacal cackles at his current sight. The sound grew to a cacophony as the magus became a swarm, shooting off onto the walls, floor, and ceiling as hundreds of bugs before scattering off through the windows to the night sky.

Silence fell and Byakuya was left alone once more. Only his mood far worse than before.

He allowed the feeling of blood soaking his tongue to occupy his senses. It made it possible to push through the rage induced haze clouding his mind and try to reach some semblance of composure.

Calming breaths, those were supposed to work. Practicing some of the drivel that those self-help books peddled usually helped Byakuya reign in his emotions where his family was involved.

In, out. In, out. In, out. In-

-llyourselfburninhellbastardvileworthlessexcuseforahumanbeingchokeonyourdisgustingegoanddiediediediediediedieyoufuc-

Byakuya's teeth audibly grinded together and he had to force back the uncontrollable urge to destroy something, probably while roaring bloody murder.

It was close, barely a hair's width of restrain that kept the man from exploding outright. But, like he had all throughout his life, Byakuya took every bit of the wrath and bottled it.

It's not worth it. Says you. Nothing to gain and too much to lose by acting on that anger. So what? We let him talk about Mizuki like that? Let him smear her memory just because you're too chickenshit? Do you think confronting him is worth it? Despite the consequences? Fuck the consequences, that bastard deserves every bit of our anger. I'll take whatever comes to me gladly. Even if it means death?

It would fester, his rational side always at war with his vocal subconscious but that was no different from normal. Another method of coping he had resorted to, to keep from doing something he'd regret. Keeping his mind occupied made going auto-pilot and just complying with whatever needed to be done that much more possible.

Byakuya was already halfway through the door to the basement before he even noticed, having even grabbed a small cloak hanging near the entrance.

The air was damp, clinging to his skin and adding an uncomfortable but familiar weight to his lungs with each breath. He could make down the hundreds of steps with his eyes closed so being distracted didn't hinder him at all though with each step, a memory of his own times down in these depths came to mind.

Nothing that gave the man current grief, but the evoked misery was enough to pull his attention away from the last few minutes. Anger slowly but surely gave way for melancholy and soon enough, Byakuya found himself at the foot of the steps.

In a sea of writhing sickly grey, a shock of purple could be seen at the center, still as a statue in comparison.

She looked dead to the world from here but Byakuya was intimately familiar with the level of exhaustion that a "training session" could leave the body in, both from experiencing it firsthand and watching from the sidelines. Even with the mess of insects churning all about around Sakura, the man could see the subtle raising and lower of her bare back.

Based on what the old worm had said, she'd been down here now for the better part of nineteen hours.

He swung the cloak over his right shoulder, turning away from the sight to a section of the wall next to him. There on a short wooden stool sat a collection of items, a roll of gauze, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a glass jar of medicinal salve, an old, ratty square handkerchief, and a pocket knife.

Byakuya picked both the knife and handkerchief in his right hand, grabbing the alcohol in his left and liberally soaking it. He tossed the bottle back down, taking a second to stare down at the instruments in his hands.

The man's nose twitched irritably and let out an uneager tsk.

This part of the process was always a bit of an inconvenience.

In a nigh ritual action, Byakuya rolled up the sleeve of his left arm and found a particular band of skin hardened by scar tissue just above his bicep. He took a moment to maneuver the rag around in his hand, dabbing the area of his upper arm for prep.

And then Byakuya stabbed himself.

He cut around the raised scarred over skin, going in about half a centimeter and brought the blade flush to his arm before stabbing in and underneath the wound. A bloody chunk popped out onto the flat of the knife and Byakuya carelessly tossed it out into the writhing mass of worms, minding at least to keep where it landed far from himself or Sakura.

A grimace had sprouted throughout the act but not due to pain, at least not anymore. It was annoyed acceptance that he would have to take care to keep blood from seeping into his sleeve for the next few days.

Byakuya grabbed the jar of salve, slathering it over the open wound then reached for the gauze. He winced minutely as he wound the cloth around his arm tightly but tied it up shortly, pausing only to flick off the blood off the still dripping knife and wipe any remainder on the inside of his bandage.

Perhaps that worn-down book Zouken had given Shinji all those nights ago was telling the truth about the Matou and their blood. It was unreal how such a tiny piece of bait was enough to entrance the thousands of bodies down there, but Byakuya had seen how different the little scavengers acted with his flesh and multitude on unwilling meals tossed into their midst. A pretty fucked up relationship but Byakuya supposed that was par for the course where he was concerned.

He had heard the ramp up of chirring from the worms, idle to an excited hum as a fresh piece of nutrients appeared in their dwelling but paid it no mind. It had served its purpose distracting the blood-thirsty parasites.

Now with nothing potentially tearing him to pieces, Byakuya stepped off the raised stone and into the pit to the little girl in the center. The familiars, for the most part, had dove towards the chunk of flesh in a frenzy but there were still a few stragglers that squirmed around in his path.

Fat with grotesque, bulbous heads and engorged bodies, bellies still filled from the feast they'd had at the end of the Fourth Holy Grail War. Even still, the worms wiggled helplessly on the ground towards the man, tiny mouths snapping at his heels. Still searching for more to tear apart, more blood to sate their never-ending hunger.

Didn't matter that not long ago it was Byakuya himself down here, giving the worms his body under the guise of training. They didn't care, so long as their master allowed it, anything in front of their mouths was a meal.

All the more reason Byakuya didn't hide his own revulsion to the vile little parasites.

Worms were smashed underfoot and kicked forcefully away with each step Byakuya took towards Sakura. Gore painted his footprints with the tens of familiars killed or crippled but that didn't deter him or even bring a hint of hesitance to his actions.

Just a backwards glance would show that even the worms didn't have a preference when it came to the weak and wounded. Within seconds, the casualties were swept up by their brethren and torn apart, leaving nothing more than blood splatters in their cannibalistic wake.

It wasn't much longer, for Byakuya to reach the center where the girl was lain. Even though he wanted nothing more than to just hoist the girl up and get the hell out of here, he paused to gauge if there was anything awry. He wouldn't put it past the sadistic old fuck to have done something to the kid under the pretense of training and leave him to clean up after.

She was curled up in fetal position on her right side, facing away from Byakuya and the stairs. The worms, either from sensing there'd be no reward for feeding off her in her current state or an instinctual desire to avoid her from their master, kept a wide berth around the child. Even in the limited lighting and damp atmosphere, there was still a thin sheen of sweat on the girl's skin and he could see various muscles twitching minutely throughout her body, a common side effect of being down in the worm pit for too long. And, because her current state of dress or lack thereof, the brief wave of shivers that would run through her form from being on the frigid stone for this long.

Nothing that shot out caution.

Despite the sounds of Byakuya coming towards her and the excitement of the worms from earlier, Sakura had not budged one bit, almost appearing like she was asleep. And, if it were any other situation, he'd be fine with just letting her rest cause God knows she needs it.

But right at this moment, his needs came over hers. Byakuya wasn't about to stay even a moment longer in this place if he didn't have to.

He still hadn't gotten that drink.

The man crouched down, still staying about a foot away from her, and draped the cloak over her bare body. The girl twitched and he could hear a soft grunt of discomfort from her but nothing more.

A frown pulled at Byakuya's lips. Strike one.

"Hey kid." His voice came out gruffer than he'd expected but it hopefully would be to his benefit. "Get up. You're done down here."

Once again, another groan accompanied by Sakura trying to curl herself into a tighter ball. Strike two.

Byakuya didn't have the patience to gently stir her so he went for the next best thing. A crisp striking sound erupted from his hands as the man clapped firmly once, echoing violently throughout the stone chamber like a gunshot.

"Come on brat. I know damn well if I can't stand being down here for even this long, you sure as hell want to leave too."

This time she squirmed underneath the fabric and her face became visible as she turned, breathing faster and letting out low murmurs. Nothing audible but given how tightly pinched her face was, Byakuya imagined it was nothing good.

Unfortunately, that still wasn't the girl being up and aware so it didn't matter. Strike three.

Byakuya didn't touch Sakura as a rule of thumb. It was something he consciously avoided at all times, even at the beginning when he'd adopted her. There were instances that couldn't be avoided like when the girl was incapable of caring for herself and in those very few times, when they would have to play the part of family in public. A hand on her shoulder or letting her hold onto the end of his sleeve but nothing more and even that much was a challenge.

He stretched his hand out at first slowly but, after a moment's pause above the girl's shoulder, he shook her and pulled back it in a movement not unlike ripping off a bandaid.

Again, like most things, guilt had a part in his actions but the other part…

Sakura's eyes shot open the instant Byakuya had touched her, and her body had thrown itself away from the man instinctively, rolling away a couple feet wrapped in the thin fabric. The girl's head snapped left and right frantically, eyes foggy and unfocused but still doggedly searching for any sign of danger. The quick breathing from earlier evolved into full-blown hyper ventilation and given the way she had retreated into the cloak, desperately clutching it tight to her form, the child was already halfway through the door to an all-out panic attack.

Byakuya bit back the urge to whisper some sort of comforting platitude and instead silently watched, far enough away to not be seen as a threat but close enough to spring to action if need be. It was the only thing he could do to at least pretend being useful, if not the only thing period.

Understandably, Sakura had a very glaring aversion to most if not all males and given the circumstances, Byakuya couldn't blame her. Tohsaka Tokiomi, her father and the man who should have cared and protected her most, had tossed her aside without a second thought to the Matou. Zouken, nothing man like or even human about the bastard, hadn't even given the girl a chance to come to terms with her severance from her family, preying on her body in the most despicable of ways and continuing his assault every day since. Byakuya was nothing more than a complicit piece of shit, too selfish and up his own ass to help a defenseless little girl if it meant putting himself in harm's way. And Kariya, that sorry sack of shit had done the worst thing he possibly could've, giving her hope.

Shinji was probably on that list too, being a snarky little shit and his current tendency of outright ignoring the girl's presence whenever possible. He at least bothered to reply if Sakura did whisper something to him, leagues better than what either him or the old worm were capable of.

Though given the fact that the girl now didn't wear a look of complete suffering around him for some sense of misguided guilt and actually showed genuine emotions despite the cold shoulder, the two now had some measure of understanding.

The frantic motions came to a sudden stop when Sakura's gaze finally fell on Byakuya. There was a shudder followed by a grieved hiccup that ran though the girl's form before her eyes shot back down to the floor.

Byakuya couldn't blame the reaction.

Their relationship had started in the worst possible way, him showing up at Sakura's home with the old bastard to take her away and only minutes later, leaving her to fend for herself in the pit. Even after the fact, Byakuya was only ever sent down here when Zouken had it in his mind to up her "training" so the very sight of him was no doubt a sign of trauma for her.

In fact, back then when the light had first left Sakura's eyes, Byakuya was sure that if he hadn't forcefully fed and cared for her, Sakura would have let herself die.

And maybe, if he was a better man, he'd have let it happen.

It would have been a mercy to just let the girl's life come to an end.

…But he couldn't. For fear of himself, fear of what could happen if he failed. And what hell awaited him if he succeeded.

Because at the end of the day, Matou Byakuya was a selfish person. Concerned with his own safety, his own life at the forefront.

He was his "father's" son, after all.

The sound of fumbling took Byakuya away from his thoughts and he was greeted by the sight of Sakura trying and continually failing to get her feet up underneath her. It was clear by the third time she was still far too weak to even crawl her way to him but that didn't stop her. Her face was still hidden but there was no doubt in his mind that the girl's expression was twisted with desperation, praying, pleading to make her body move so she wouldn't be punished.

Byakuya's jaw tightened.

It was pathetic.

"…se. Move…" And being this close made it possible to catch the words Sakura weakly muttered to herself despite the distractions around them. "-ve, I-I have to m-move." Her voice shook just as much as her body but just the same, still she struggled. "Ca-an't be like t-this anymore, can't b-be useless. H-have to get up o-or else…"

Absolutely pathetic.

"Enough."

"Wha- Ah!"

Byakuya closed the distance between the two, this time moving without the earlier care to not unsettle Sakura and grabbed her torso roughly. A squeak of alarm made him adjust his grip slightly but that didn't stop him from picking the helplessly wiggling girl up and depositing her onto his back.

The mess of fabric from her cloak bunched up annoyingly against him and the stuttered apologies did nothing to help with his mood but that was fine.

Anything to stop her damnable mouth from cutting any deeper.

"W-wait, I-" Sakura flinched again as he rose up to his full height and shifted her small form around, voice straining to be louder than whispers. "You don't need t-"

"Don't have the patience for any more of your bullshit." Byakuya cut her off curtly, looking over his shoulder at the girl with a stony glare.

Her head shot back down just as quickly, hiding her face from view though the man could still spy a noticeable wobble on her lips.

Byakuya snapped his own gaze back to the front, a grimace sliding easily over his features.

Being affected this much by the words of a brat even when they weren't meant for him…

Second time this month.

God, he really was a miserable bastard.

With an aggrieved shake of his head and a healthy redoubling of self-loathing, Byakuya turned around to the steps and began to make his way out of the pit. The worms were, for the most part, satisfied from the nourishment provided by both of them and were lingering near the walls of the space, squirming over bones and the forgotten debris tossed down here. They wouldn't bother either of them.

Until tomorrow.

Byakuya's cheek twitched.

Again, not his problem.

The man reached the steps, pausing only for a moment to properly secure both arms under Sakura's legs, and started to head upwards. The girl in question had remained silent throughout the entire process, only reacting with soft flinches any time he had to touch or adjust her. She also had grabbed fistfuls of his shirt, though something told Byakuya it was less for stability and more just to ground her.

And given the way her tiny hands were balling tighter and tighter each passing second, any wish for peace and quiet would be absurd.

One, two, three, four, fi-

Even still, for the sake of the man's own sanity, he focused on each stone step as he ascended.

He had only climbed up a little ways up the stairs when her tolerance finally broke.

"-like he said, weak again… Useless again… Nii-san was right, there's no place for me here." Sakura muttered darkly to herself, her childish voice only adding to the wrongness of her words. "Can't even do this much, I-"

Her voice broke as a series of coughs wracked her body, a wet, sickly sound that echoed around the two.

Byakuya did his best to tune out her entire presence but even he wasn't immune to the visible anguish the kid was going through. He'd been in her shoes once upon a time after all.

Contrary how the man interacted with his own flesh and blood, Byakuya didn't hate kids. Sure, he had never exactly been the sort of guy to ask for babysitting but he definitely didn't go around terrorizing children in his free time.

That didn't mean he'd do a damn thing though.

-elve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, si-

She shivered despite the mess of cloth around her. "I- It would have been f-fine if Nii-san h-had stayed the same, stayed l-like me." The girl brought her head between her still tightly balled fists and squeezed them against her temples. "Ke-keeping it all in, locked tight, tight, tight…" With each repetition, Sakura ground her palms harder into her head, more viciously than before. "…quiet, a-afraid, like Grandfa-father wanted us to be."

Twenty-five, twenty-six, Twenty-seven, Twen-

"…But he didn't. Not-not at all."

…Thirty-one, thirty-two, thi-

Tension and any kind of hysterical fervor left Sakura's body, the girl slumping against Byakuya's back with an aggrieved sniffle. "H-he changed. He got str-stronger, got better…" Her hands released their hold slowly, arms twisting as they fell to grasp her own sides in a desperate self-hug. "A-and now, Nii-san is tired of m-me too."

Forty, forty-one, forty-two…

"-d just like everyone else… He'll le-leave me behind too."

-ty-seven… forty-eight, forty…

Not meant for his ears, nothing he should be concerned with. The words repeated themselves with the certainty of a heartbeat in his mind, a constant mantra to drown out unnecessary thoughts.

Fifty-three… Fifty… Fifty? Fifty what?

A pitiful laugh came from behind Byakuya, startling the man from the plight of losing count. "And-and it's not like I can blame him." Sakura's voice came out nothing like how a child should sound; amusement devoid of mirth, helplessness and self-contempt staining each word. "Nii-san was right, and I was stupid to think I could be anything other than a failure."

Stop.

"I wasn't wanted back then, what made me think anything would be different here?"

Ignore it.

"Even though… Even though this time I tried. I-I really, really tried. I pushed and pushed and pushed, I-I didn't give up a-and I kept going, kept at it like Grandfather, like Nii-san wanted me too, I-"

…Ignore it.

"I-" The child's voice broke. "I-I still c-couldn't do it. N-Nii-san was right, he knew it. I-I don't b-belong here, I d-don't bel-belong an-anywhere."

…

"N-Not with M-mommy, not with Nee-san, not wi-with Nii-san, nobody!"

Iron flooded Byakuya's tongue once more as his grit teeth bit into his inner lip, pain the furthest thing in the man's mind.

He really was an emotional fool.

"…I'm nothing. Not a go-good enough daughter to be wanted, not smart or talented enough to be a magus!" Sakura cried with a hiccup. "T-there's no point for me to b-be here or anywhere, I-"

"…February 17th, 1934."

Whatever self-loathing filled tirade the girl had been about to go off on was left forgotten as Byakuya cut her off, the child jolting in surprise at the sound of his voice. Not that the man blamed her.

In the year she'd been with the Matou Sakura had only ever heard orders and the like from him, nothing resembling a conversation or even small talk.

"Wha-"

"The Third Holy Grail War ended with the deaths of many, including the chosen Matou master resulting in another loss for the family to absolutely no one's surprise." Byakuya spoke in an almost robotic fashion, a measured, disinterested cadence as he recalled a past better left buried. "There had been only a few left all things considered, less than twenty all together. What remained of the Matou after years of decay from moving to this spot of dirt from the homeland dwindled down to six families under the command of the old bastard."

Even he had wondered why exactly him and Kariya had been the only two remaining Matou excluding Zouken in his adolescence despite his apathy for all things concerning the blood that flowed through his veins. Even with taking account of how magical bloodlines decline after leaving their spiritual home, it was still bizarre how there wasn't at least a branch family or relatives from their in-laws. And even with the most obvious answer in front of Byakuya, it still had made no sense.

"No different from now, all members of the Matou answered to him and existed only for his benefit. And as such, each and every one of their lives was forfeit to the worm's will though…" The Zouken he was speaking of and the Zouken Byakuya knew himself were two different people. Or at least they had been prior to that day. "Up to that point, only those who failed to meet his expectations or those that outright went against his will were turned into unwilling meals for the worms."

Byakuya allowed himself a moment of silence as he kept climbing the stairs methodically, conscious that he was moving slower than normal but it was a given since he was both preoccupied with storytelling and making sure the seven-year-old girl on his back didn't pull apart at the seams by her own self-induced hysteria. This particular nugget of the past didn't really involve him so it wasn't really all that painful to recount but that didn't mean he enjoyed spilling his family's incredibly distressing, and most of the time downright reprehensible, history to really anyone. Even the shitty brat had never heard him talk about this despite his attempts though the man doubted he would remain in the dark all that much longer.

Fucking bullshit eyes.

"That all changed the third resulting loss at the grail, when the bastard couldn't stand the continuous failure after failure and finally lashed out against his own blood." Byakuya forcibly pulled his thoughts away from his son, gaze falling to the stone steps as the story came back piece by piece with each step he took. "Within that same night, Matou Zouken would forcibly implant Crest Worms in all of the remaining Matou as punishment for being useless to him."

Sakura stilled and the man could feel her body shift as she turned to gaze back down at the pit. After a quiet moment, Byakuya felt a small tug and the wetting of lips.

Byakuya stopped the coming question without a word leaving the girl's lips. "What he did then wasn't the same as the thinly disguised torture he labels training for his heir. Being down here; having the worms invade, acclimate to the host's body and vice versa, before having the parasites leave once the wrinkled creep is satisfied is the warm-up. Once he can tell the nasty buggers won't eat you alive from the inside any more than they're supposed to and once he's sure you won't die on him from the burden of housing them in your body, then he moves on to step two."

Zouken had never cared enough to inform either brother the reasoning behind his actions when they were children, only ever calling it training and necessary for their development. The first Byakuya had heard there was a "justifiable" method to the old worm's madness, it had been after Kariya had turned his back on the Matou and only from the written accounts of his ancestors at that.

The knowledge that it hadn't been just to see the two of them suffering but for a genuine reason didn't exactly make it better but at least it meant the decade he went through all that wasn't just for Zouken's amusement.

That sadly wasn't the case for their ancestors.

Forcing a normal human's body to accommodate foreign life, foreign magecraft at that so instantly and abruptly, it destroys the sense of self. Magic circuits becoming viewed as nothing more than morsels to the worms and as they feed unrestrained, your very soul erodes more and more till the only thing keeping the body alive is the beating of your heart. And then, as your body is strained more and more from hosting all those disgusting familiars, trying and failing to adapt, it finally gives out. That or the damn worms just mindlessly eat you alive.

"Zouken perverted the passing of a family crest with these vermin, turning one of the only traditions magus follow that doesn't end up fuc-" Byakuya caught himself halfway through the first syllable, dully remembering who exactly was listening to him, "ruining the chosen heir's life, for the most part, and warped it selfishly into something that would only ever benefit him alone."

"What he did that night was a calculated and coldblooded slaughter," Byakuya continued after a beat, "of the eighteen Matou left, only one survived the implanting."

Murder was a tool for the monster that was Matou Zouken, same as the poor souls that shared his blood. As a punishment for failing his expectations, it made sense but a wanton massacre like that…

It wasn't to reprimand or teach a lesson. It was for spite.

"There wasn't much…" Byakuya paused momentarily, struggling to find an appropriate word. "…documentation, I guess I could say, when it came to what he had done after the first and second go arounds of his pet war game but there had never been anything like this in the over a hundred years Zouken had been attempting this insanity. Deaths were kept to a minimum; people were more valuable to him alive than dead, but this loss was the straw that broke the camel's back. After this point, it was made very clear what kind of monster the old bastard was."

There wasn't much left before they reached the top of the stairs, glancing down to the pit below made the worms seem more like a sea of spoiled milk rather than a swarm of bugs.

"…None of them had gone through the training that the chosen heir is put through before implantation, so it wasn't a surprise for almost all of them to die like that. If anything, the fact that there even was a survivor is a miracle itself."

Those eighteen Matou, among them were twelve parents. Six fully grown adults and their spouses. The other six were their children, ages ranging from five to twenty. The only one qualified for something like crest implantation already lay dead, defeated and dismembered along with her servant at the top of Mount Enzou.

"And after all that, after a night that already had too many lives taken for a century's long death game, the only living soul among the Matou besides Zouken was a five-year-old girl. The youngest of the eighteen, ignorant to this family's horrid past, innocent to the depths of depravity the world was capable of." It was a bit more difficult now, speaking about the past in such a distanced way but not anything Byakuya wasn't used to. His own personal reservations aside, this never really had anything to do with him. "One that had stubbornly, foolishly, clung to life more desperately than any other. A child by the name of Matou Sayo."

There really wasn't any meaning in telling Sakura all this, the past of people who were long dead and irrelevant in pretty much every sense of the word to the kid. Even with his retelling of Zouken's brutality, Byakuya doubted anything he could say would make her hate the old worm anymore than she already did.

All the preamble, all the theatrics to get to this point though, it had a purpose.

"…Chi-ld?" Sakura murmured softly, stretching out the syllables like she was pronouncing the word for the first time. "O-out of all them, only she lived?"

Byakuya made it up the final steps to the door out of the cellar, crossing the threshold into the manor. He took in a deep breath and savored the feeling of liberation that greeted him; the constricting atmosphere of that damn worm pit always had made it seem like his lungs were being crushed from all sides.

"Only her," The man answered after a moment, lips tugged downwards in a soft grimace as he began walking to the girl's room again, "and in my opinion, it'd be a stretch to call surviving that "living" but she did just that. Five years old yet she fought back the hardest, handled that burden with more strength than anyone else."

Byakuya had once upon a time believed in luck, that some people are born with the best hand in life and don't face anything close to hardship while everyone else is forced to fight over the scraps of fortune that trickles down. It made it easier to blame every single shitty aspect of your life on something as binary and unconscious as luck but in cases like this, he couldn't. It would be a disrespect to attribute something as miraculous as Matou Sayo's perseverance and survival to dumb luck.

And even in his own life, too much of both the good and bad had happened for him to put weight in something so foolish. Hell, Byakuya and his own son were living proof of luck and chance not meaning a goddamn thing.

"H-her?" The time she had rested heading up the steps must have been enough since Sakura damn near vaulted over the man's shoulder, pulling her torso up and over the aforementioned body part to directly question the man eye-to-eye. "The y-youngest in her- in the whole family, she was the one who pushed through all that?" Her eyes, while nowhere near as frenzied as they were when she had first been woken, trembled with something akin to hunger. "Even-even though she was by herself?"

Byakuya stared back unflinching, holding her gaze for the first time ever, before nodding with a hum. "Barely old enough to begin any sort of magus training, shouldn't have even been part of consideration for the kind of hellish ordeal that taking on the worms is, but she endured it." The man set his eyes ahead, gaze trained on the door on the other end of the hall. "She suffered, was in pain, was alone from that point on with nothing but Zouken as constant but she lived despite all that."

Surviving in such a hollow, hopeless state, a consequence of being broken but that didn't need to be said. Not to either of them.

"And as the only living Matou," Byakuya continued as he carried the girl down the hall, "the burden of continuing the bloodline fell solely on her shoulders. She practically lived in the worm pit, being trained, groomed to develop the magical circuits necessary to birth offspring talented enough to suit Zouken's needs. He kept the girl a secret from the world, only allowing her to spend the little time she had outside the pit inside the grounds of the household."

They passed by Shinji's room and given the fact that Byakuya didn't hear the scratching of pen to paper, the boy must have been out of the house again. One less headache to worry about tonight.

"This place was as much her prison as it was her only source of freedom…"

Sakura bit her lip at that, face twisted her gaze fell to the floor. Byakuya didn't bother asking how she felt, he'd already said his piece.

And besides, his job was now over. No point in wasting his breath on the past anymore, for the sake of his own piece of mind or otherwise.

The man stopped before the kid's door, giving a small shrug to rouse her from her thoughts. Sakura blinked, looking around dazed for a moment.

"Alright, piggybac-" Byakuya began to crouch down but stopped himself, pausing to glance down at the girl's limp legs dangling on either side of him and swallowed the urge to sigh. "Never mind, I'm tossing you straight to bed. Don't need the old bastard griping at me for leaving you passed out on the floor inches away from your bed." Despite himself, the disgraced Matou felt his lips pull into a humorless grin.

Like that son of a bitch would give a damn if any one of them keeled over.

"Sorry if you got a problem with me going in here but I don't really care."

"I- You don't need-" Sakura wiggled around on his back in protest but must have come to the same conclusion he had since her struggles faded away just as quickly with a defeated whisper. "…Sorry."

Byakuya didn't pay her any mind, maneuvering his hold on the girl to free up one hand to grab the doorknob and open the door. The sight that greeted him wasn't surprising.

Granted, he hadn't been back in this room since the girl had first moved in, now almost a year and a half since seeing the barren walls and lack of any real furnishings was nostalgic.

He had kept it just as spartan when it had been his room.

A bed far too big for a child was nestled in a nook on the right wall, a small chabudai sat in the middle of the room, and a wooden desk with a tiny alarm clock stood at the end of the back wall in front of a closed window; sterile and completely colorless.

Taking a step into the room filled the man with a common melancholy; memories of the past, of his own struggles and pain being the focus of Zouken's machinations however short that was.

Funnily enough, even though Zouken never was one for traditions, he always did make this the room for any of his heirs apparent. Sakura, him, his mother…

Byakuya shook his head to dispel whatever tangent his mind was going off on and carried Sakura to her bed, pausing when he noticed something he'd missed on the initial pore over the room.

Somethings rather. Fuzzy ones.

The man snorted. "Scratch that, you do have a little personality to this place that I never did. Guess the brat is a better big brother than I ever was."

The collection of stuffed animals nestled in the corner of her bed hidden from the door shifted to surround Sakura as her weight slipped off Byakuya's back onto her bed.

He hadn't ever seen Shinji give the girl anything other than a hard time though given everything he'd been through, not being a completely tone-deaf asshole to quite literally the only person who didn't deserve it here was an improvement he could honestly say he was proud to see. Not that he'd ever let the anklebiter know.

"…mmm." Sakura hummed softly in response, pulling one plush in particular into her arms. "…Nii-san said they were a present," She hugged the stuffed dog closer into her chest, "for my birthday. A surprise for me, on that day…"

"…Did he now?"

Sentimentality was something that was lost early on in this household, bled out entirely and replaced with the selfish desire to survive. No matter if that meant others must suffer, no matter if that meant dirtying your own hands to keep your own safety intact. That was and has been the Matou way for over three centuries.

"I'll be better than anyone else and I'll prove that I'm more worthy of the Matou name than Sakura, you, or even Grandfather, I swear it. In every possible way, I'll surpass what I am now to prove every one of you wrong."

Shinji's words echoed in Byakuya's mind and the man couldn't help but smile bleakly.

It only took the boy realizing he was being replaced to grow a conscience. Even if consciousness and kindness weren't exactly synonymous with the Matou name, being fueled to become a better person by spite definitely was their M.O. Not even for a second did he believe the little ass did it out of the "goodness" of his heart.

The man's eyes fell back on the plush dog. He resisted the urge to sigh for probably the thousandth time since "that night".

Byakuya was used to people questioning how much effort he put into most things, being branded a disappointment more time than he could count. And even if he knew that was the truth, wasn't often he admitted it.

In the face of an idiotic brat that was putting in more of an attempt to make someone, who by all rights he should hate with all his heart, feel some semblance of comfort despite his own situation, it really was a pitiful showing on his part.

For once, it wouldn't kill him to play the part of consoling adult.

"And here I thought I buried my tolerance for this kind of sappiness," Byakuya chuckled softly to himself, "goes to show just how much of a pain in the ass that little bastard really is."

"…'ot his fal-." Sakura murmured, a touch softer than a whisper. "Don' blame 'im…"

Byakuya studied the kid for a moment, catching her eyes for an instant before they averted just as quickly and she hugged the stuffed animal harder. After a period of time that could have been seconds or hours, the man sucked in a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair.

"…Sorry but what I was telling you earlier wasn't exactly the full story." He finally spoke abruptly.

Sakura's head snapped up to stare up at him confused but he didn't bother meeting her gaze this time, falling to a crouch to feel the floorboards underneath the bed.

"Not saying that I wasn't speaking the truth about the past. Just that I left a few key details out."

Not there. Not there either. Didn't put it that close to the wall. Has to be somewhere around he- His hand hit a patch of torn up carpet.

Jackpot.

"W-what do you mean by that?" The girl's voice rang out from just over his head.

"That child, Matou Sayo," Byakuya pulled up on a small lip gouged out in the wooden floor underneath and opened up a hidden compartment, reaching inside, "she didn't stay a helpless brat forever."

"…"

"She grew up. Still helpless as the day she was brought into this hellhole of a world, but she was alive when damn near anyone else in her shoes would have bit it. And after three decades with the old bastard, she served her intended purpose."

Byakuya pulled his hand out from under the bed, clutching an old leather-bound book loosely in his grasp. He didn't spare it a glance as he stood back up, studying the pensive look on the child's face instead.

"…An heir…" Sakura answered softly after a pregnant pause, widening eyes now lit with a spark of recognition. "Kids- She must have had some kids of her own!" She blinked and stopped short with a jerk, looking down at her hands and counting off her fingers for a moment before staring back at the man with a tilted head. "…You said 1934 was when it happened, that's six tens ago?"

He quirked an eyebrow, somewhat impressed a seven-year-old knew even this much math and nodded. "And, as you put it, 'three tens' later she had a helpless brat of her own."

She considered the information, gaze falling to the plush in her lap as she responded. "…Uncle Kariya told me how old he was one time before-" The girl stopped with a wince midsentence and gave her head a shake. "A-and Nii-san said you were the older brother…" Sakura slowly traced his form until she timidly met his eyes once more. "Her kid, it was you?"

Despite himself, a wry grin spread across Byakuya's face. "Ding ding ding, we have a winner." He lightly tossed the book to her, hitting the dog's belly to bounce into her lap. "Matou Byakuya, first son of Matou Sayo and resident family disappointment until Kariya jumped ship."

He hadn't expected or wanted to spill his guts like this to anyone, especially not after the only person he cared to tell was already gone, but oddly enough he wasn't bothered by it. Which was a first.

Talking about his mother wasn't like a minefield or some kind of trauma trigger for Byakuya but with a tale so bleak and personal, it wasn't something he ever shared willingly and definitely not because he felt obligated to. Even telling Mizuki had been after a night of drinks and hours of trading traumas.

Shinji had never heard him say a word about her and it was going to stay that way.

Still, even he could admit how bizarre it was to reveal all that without even a bitter taste in his mouth.

"W-why-" Sakura's confused stuttering pulled Byakuya from his musings. He blinked and looked back at the bed to see her holding the book, eyebrows crinkled in befuddlement. "What is this?"

"A diary. Pretty sure I don't have to spell out who it belongs to. And I figure there's no use in it just sitting in that hole." The man waved a hand up dismissively before she could say anything in response. "Better in your hands than anyone else here."

Byakuya had already committed each page to memory years ago, any sense of sentimentality he had for the object had been ingrained in his mind. Clinging onto anything physical in this household was just asking for heartbreak.

Only reason the old bastard hadn't chewed up her diary with his worms was probably cause he couldn't blame her for Kariya's failure. She had done her part for Zouken's plan.

Sakura didn't respond in any matter of speed, staring blankly back at him for longer than she ever had before numbly pulling away to look down at the bound pages of crystallized memories. With a short fortifying breath, the child opened the cover and delved into the life of the only other person in the world who could truly understand her pain.

And with that, Byakuya was finally free.

All responsibilities, all bothersome brats could and would be ignored for the rest of the night. For the rest of the week if he could help it but he knew better to hope for something like that. Byakuya never was that lucky; if it wasn't Zouken, it was Shinji.

Not like there was a point in wasting anymore time imagining the inevitable migraine-inducing interaction he was going to be forced into by them later. Best to try and salvage what little left of the day.

Drinking till he couldn't see straight seemed like a good place to start. And after all bullshit he'd dealt with so far today, it was well deserved.

Byakuya spared Sakura one more glance, still clutching the book like a lifeline as she took it in page by page. Trembling the same as she'd been only a handful of minutes before only this time, the sight didn't make him sick to his stomach.

He released a small sigh, letting his shoulders fall and the tension he hadn't realized coiling in his body to dissipate before he turned his eyes to the door.

"Get yourself cleaned up and changed before you turn in for the night." Byakuya said as he began to leave. "I know the little bastard is handling laundry now but I'm not about to deal with needing to grab new sheets cause these ones got stain-"

His sleeve was latched onto before he could even make a full turn to the door. And at this point, the man could safely say all his patience had run out for the day.

With a muttered curse, Byakuya snapped his head back over to growl out a single warning to the girl before he ruined both of their nights when he was stopped dead in his tracks by a sound.

Sniffle.

Fuck.

"…T-Thank- So much-" Sakura's short mop of purple hair had obscured her face while her head had been down but as she looked up at him, hugging the diary to her chest with her free arm, Byakuya could see the nigh constant mask the girl had put on ever since she had first been brought into the family had cracked. Empty eyes now glistening with tears and gratitude and a genuine albeit watery smile that seemed both awkward and perfectly fitting but he couldn't blame her. It had been so long, it wouldn't have surprised him if she'd forgotten how to truly smile. "-for this, thank you. Thank you s-so much."

And for the first time, Byakuya didn't see the girl for what she was now but what she could have been.

What she could still be.

Ah. Now it made sense.

Why he had been fine bringing up the past and talking about his mother.

Byakuya looked away off to the side, jaw set in a thin grimace.

And he had called Kariya a sentimental dumbass. What a joke.

"Enough." he said finally. "I don't need or deserve your thanks over something like this."

"B-But-"

The man's cheek twitched again. "It's fine and you're fine. Last thing I want to see right now is you sniveling over the last thing remaining of my mother."

She sniffed hard and nodded hastily, raising that out-stretched arm to rub at her eyes.

"…Sorry. I-I'll do better. No more crying." In another showing of unexpected determination, Sakura pulled herself together with a few deep breaths. Only sign of the tears left was the slight stuffiness that colored her speech. "Can't be helpless forever…"

Byakuya's lips pulled down into a frown but ultimately, he just shrugged. "Hardly think it matters to worry about something like that but suit yourself. I know sure as hell no one in this place is worth being a role model."

Hard to find a reason or a way to better yourself when you're surrounded by assholes and being aware your entire existence is only to serve someone else's machinations. Really took the wind from self-improvement.

"I-I just can't be left behind again. If that means changing, being more like someone strong, being more like Nii-san… Like Ne-her, I have to."

Completely idiotic reasoning if you asked him but whatever.

His own feelings aside, Byakuya could understand the girl's frustration.

Being helpless sucked. Knowing that no matter what you did or how you tried to change, nothing would matter was the most demoralizing thing he'd ever come to terms with. It was easy now for him to play the unrepentant and uncaring drunkard but as a child, it had put him through the very same struggle Sakura was going through.

Never did have anything close to a positive influence or someone to look up to back then though so it made perfect sense how his useless ass had turned out.

"…It's your life." Byakuya said finally with a sigh. "No point in convincing you otherwise."

Sakura's head stayed down, still fixed on the leather-bound diary but she did give him an appreciative nod. There was no sign of any more emotional outbursts and to be honest, the man wasn't sure he'd be able to muster up any kind of comforting platitudes a second time around.

Byakuya turned to the desk, singling out the clock on it. 9:26 PM, not that much later than he expected but even still longer than he'd wanted to spend without a drop of alcohol in his system. Good a time as any to drop the responsible adult act.

"Well then," Byakuya moved away from the girl's bedside closer to the door, an act that drew her away from the book, "you already know what to do and I've done my part here. Get cleaned up, go to bed, don't screw up the diary, yada yada yada." Sakura nodded along with each statement and for only a second, the man wished Shinji could be as cooperative. He batted away that useless train of though and continued, "Already waste enough of my days dealing with you brats so I think I'm more than justified to bail out here. For too sober to even stomach being around anyone else and there's no way in hell I'm going to let something else get in the way of getting blackout drunk after today."

He ignored the way the girl's expression dimmed in response to the last bit turned away to face the doorway. If he was being honest, Byakuya was completely spent. Despite being used to crunching numbers for the better part of his life, finances were a soul-draining time sink that never failed to take up half the day and that was only if he was lucky.

Damn old bastard, buying up a bunch of spiritual properties all across the damn globe and leaving all the maintenance and paperwork that came with ownership in his lap like he asked to be saddled with being a damn secretary for the rest of his life.

But he could put all that behind him, at least till tomorrow. There was a pair of six-packs in the fridge that had been calling the man's name for the past hour.

Byakuya exhaled softly and made his way across the room with a stretch, worn and exhausted but above all relieved. The brat wasn't here to ruin the rest of his night and Zouken was out doing God knows what. That only left Sakura and the man knew that after all this, the girl wouldn't do anything to piss him off or interrupt him.

He took a step out into the hallway and felt the nervous tension built up from the entire night leave his body, shoulders falling and fatigue slipping from his expression. Peace of mind, if only briefly.

Though, just before he left…

"And just letting you know kid," Byakuya glanced over his shoulder the moment he had begun to speak, catching the little jump Sakura made at the unexpected sound of his voice, "that little brat Shinji you hold so highly? He's more of a wreck then you could ever be." Byakuya's grin came easily this time. "Never was the type to hold in his emotions or even thoughts even before you got sucked into this mess, what he's doing now is only a piss poor attempt at breaking even with you." Any mirth faded as his eyes fell on the girl once more. "He's only playing nice and quiet now because he knows better than to bit- sorry, whine about being a failure anymore. Don't pay that little shithead any mind. Shinji is Shinji and you're you, no point in seeing it any other way."

If only Byakuya had been able to see it that way with his own sibling all those years ago…

"…Uncle Byakuya, thank you again." It was the first time he'd ever heard Sakura ever address him by name. And the first time anyone had ever called him uncle. "I can't ever hope to repay you."

Unlike with his little brother, Byakuya felt nothing but grief from her recognizing him as family.

"…Don't worry about it."

She didn't owe him or anyone in this godforsaken family a damn thing. Just like Mizuki.

"Just be sure to grow up big and strong to pay me back, got it?"

After being responsible for taking away the lives and happiness of so many innocents, if there was any justice in this world, she would outlive everyone with this cursed Matou blood. The last victim of a what could only be described as a blight on the whole of the magus and mundane world.

That or be the one that sent them to hell herself.

He turned away from the doorway and began to walk away, a dismissive wave over his shoulder bringing the exchange to a close. Sakura didn't say anything more and he didn't expect her to. The door closed behind Byakuya and he rested his back on the frame, breathing out slowly.

To think, all this started because he wanted a drink…

Though that hardly mattered, nothing really ever did go the way he wanted it to. And at this point, he couldn't even bring himself to be mad about it anymore.

Byakuya pushed off the door and began the walk to the kitchen at a relaxed pace, mind still fixed on the girl.

Tohsaka Sakura was broken. She'd suffered things that no child, no human, should ever have to even fathom dealing with and it had definitely taken its toll on the child's psyche.

Any self-esteem or even semblance of self-worth had evaporated during the year and a half she had been adopted into this hellhole. Abandonment issues up the ass, fearful of anything that could cause her to be thrown away again. And up until recently, the girl hadn't shown any signs she even wanted to be alive anymore.

But evidently, that no longer was the case.

"-for this, thank you. Thank you s-so much."

The hopeless didn't cry, didn't strive to better themselves. They didn't push themselves past the point of exhaustion and injury to prove they weren't useless, weren't to be left behind.

Sakura wasn't like that. Not anymore.

And once again, they only had Shinji to blame.

A humorless grin pulled at Byakuya's lips as he reached the steps.

"A whole year and a half and the girl could barely manage a 'yes or no' let alone a whole damn conversation yet all it took was three months after that little shithead pulled his head outta his ass for her to get a voice again." The man mused aloud. "With ambitions and all that despite everything."

Forget whatever Zouken did with those damn worms, what Shinji had done was the real magic.

"Here's hoping she really does end this cycle of bullshit…"

Poetic justice and all that.

After all, a man could dream, can't he?

Sprout- to begin growth

---

* From the fourth and final Fate Zero Light Novel

[1] -Baba, an unusual suffix meaning hag or ugly

I'll be honest, really don't have an excuse for how long this took.

Could blame a whole litany of things for my lack of updating but really there is only one thing that I can truthfully point to.

I bit off more than I could chew.

I think most of my readers have noticed that I have a bit of an unhealthy tendency to revise my previous chapters, going so far as to add things multiple times after I'm supposedly 'done' with the chapter. So far I've redone every chapter at least twice with each update giving me another excuse to add, remove, or completely change entire scenes and it's really something I have to work on.

This entire interlude only exists because I wanted another excuse to write Byakuya at length and because of a little plot thread I added at the end of chapter 4 with Sakura and the tree. And I knew that was a kinda weak reason so I justified with this, a look into the adult survivors of the Fourth Holy Grail War, complete with four different POVs and interactions with the kids that would stand centerstage in the Fifth.

That was wholeheartedly a mistake.

Not to say I'm displeased with my work, not at all. There's a few shaky bits in here that I would love for y'all to give your input on, to let me know if I'm just seeing things that aren't there or making a big deal out of nothing but really it's just that this was a lot.

Four completely different POVs, all with very distinct and contrasting characters that have their own histories as well as having gone through an incredibly significant event was something I was not at all prepared for.

Byakuya was the easiest, I'm used to his character and I like writing him. Jubstachiet was kinda annoying but he exists for one purpose so I didn't really need to delve into him all that much. Kiritsugu was difficult, creating an in-between to his Fate Zero and Stay Night character that may or may not have existed but I really like how it turned out.

Aoi.

Tohsaka fothermuking Aoi was a trip. Writing a character who gets almost nothing in the entirety of Fate Zero other than being Urobuchi'ed was the most trouble I've had so far in this fic. It's all to give light into how Rin was living during this time but man, there's a part of me that wishes I never even tried. I scrapped the second half of Aoi's part (after she enters the kitchen) that I had first written because it switched to Rin's POV and I made Kirei more sympathetic and understanding than he ever would have been to her. So that meant I needed to write a (somewhat) satisfying endpoint to a woman who is chasing after delusions to cope with everything she has lost/gone through.

I don't hate what I've written but because of how long it took, I only really feel bitter about it.

To the surprise of no one, I did a bit of revising to all the chapters with a good amount of the changes having some actual weight to them so please do a reread if you would.

I've got 1/3 of chapter 6 done, hopefully I get done with that somewhere before summer at least. I'll do a review addressing thingy when I upload that so I don't bloat this update any more than I have.

I appreciate every single one of my readers especially those that have stuck by even after two damn years of inactivity. To any of y'all that tried to reach me, I apologize for the radio silence on all platforms. I honestly felt incredibly guilty I was taking this long and didn't want to give anyone some kind of false hope or bogus update timeframe. From this point on, if you need something from me or you just want to reach out, I will always make an effort to reply to any PMs and I'll try to give a status update on my page if things are taking too long.

Think I've taken enough of your time so until next time.

DSDAD out