Burning the Midnight Oil
Chapter 5
The Last Question
~Nino~
"Wow, so it didn't hurt?" Ichika asked.
Nino said, "Not at all, I barely felt a thing!"
Itsuki said, "Liar. You cried as I held you down."
Nino leered, "I told you not to say that!"
Ichika lit up, "Wow, why would you even do that?"
Itsuki said, "She told me to, she knew she'd need it."
"I told you not to say that too!"
Miku looked up from her book, some historical fiction book she'd checked out two days ago, and said, "Quiet, we're in a library."
Nino huffed and dropped to her seat, "Well it doesn't matter, I got it done. And I never have to go through that again."
Ichika mused, "I hear navel piercings will be all the rage this summer."
Nino deadpanned, "Don't even joke about that."
She played with the tiny simulated emerald stud poking through her new piercings. These combined with the piercings themselves burned through the rest of her tip, but as she looked at herself in the mirror and saw them catch the light through her waterfall of hair, she was happy with them. She felt like she'd finally made the leap after hesitating for months at the cliff and was happily swimming in the lake after splashdown. If only she could wipe the horrible memory of the necessary stabbings she'd be perfectly content.
Ichika checked her watch and announced, "Alright, he's now fifteen minutes late. Anyone else have anything new going on?"
"Shouldn't you? Don't you have that premiere next week?" Itsuki asked.
"Oh, let's not get into that," Ichika tried, and failed, to change the conversation.
Nino said, "Oh, is that what that fancy dress is for?"
"What, that old thing? It's just-"
"Wow, it must be great hanging out with the finer crowds. Walking the red carpet. Getting blinded by hundreds of flashing cameras-"
"Okay, we're done," Ichika cut her off.
Itsuki pointed to Miku's book, "Is that any good?"
"I'm enjoying it."
Nino said, "You didn't used to do much reading. Is it because we didn't bring your computer?"
"...Not exactly."
Ichika asked, "So what're you reading?"
Miku turned the page and leaned into her book, "Just something Futaro picked out for me."
Ichika's grin strained like it was stretched with meat hooks, "Oh, really? That's...great."
Nino glared at the book like it blew her a raspberry. While she and Futaro were circling each other like wary dogs, and Ichika was off who knows where, clever Miku was worming her way into Futaro's sphere inch by inch, as if they were children on a bus and she scooted closer each time he wasn't looking.
Let's propose that the old saying is true and men want to marry a female version of themselves. Out of the five siblings, who was closer in personality to Futaro than quiet, unassuming Miku? The two might someday share many quiet nights pursuing their respective mental passions at the same table and call it a date. They'd live their lives as shut-in lovers.
For once, Nino thanked Futaro for his unwavering focus to the ignorance of his surroundings. The sky could rain meteors and Futaro would only be interested if someone challenged him to calculate their velocity. Miku's affections were genuine, but subtle, they passed over Futaro like the coming tide on rocks. But the tide shaped rock down with time. If Futaro noticed, would he be drawn to Miku's quiet affection over her own boisterous displays? She couldn't afford to discount Miku as competition any longer.
And then she felt sorrow melting her core like her heart were a candle burning her wax chest. When had sisterhood rivalry transformed into trials of love? She'd rather challenge her friends for a boy's affection if she had to challenge anyone at all. As their previous school had proven, friends were precious, but replaceable. Her sisters were forever. Maybe it'd be easier if Futaro rejected all of them and they grew closer consoling each others' broken hearts. Just the five of them, together.
But she wanted it all. She wanted everything she loved to share space in her life. She'd make this work, she knew it.
Yotsuba sprinted into the room and announced, "I found-!"
Miku shushed her, "Library."
"Oh! Sorry! I found him." Ah Yotsuba, you should've been born a bloodhound. But Nino realized what that would make the five of them and immediately redacted the thought.
Ichika said, "Excellent, where is he?"
"About that," she said as she showcased a stack of papers, "He isn't coming. He wants us to finish these by tomorrow morning."
Miku looked at her book sadly, no longer enjoying it.
Itsuki frowned, "He's skipping? That isn't like him."
"He said he has family business and has to go home early."
Nino tried to say something, but was stopped by an overwhelming yawn that refused to end. Her eyes watered from the strain and she blinked away the would-be tears.
Ichika sighed, "Alright then. You think he'd have told us something earlier if he wasn't going to be here."
Nino agreed, it was unlike the meticulous Futaro who following a schedule like a personal gospel. He wouldn't have kept them waiting if he knew he wouldn't be here, they'd have learned about this first thing in the morning.
Something had come up. Something he wouldn't share with the five of them. What was it?
~Futaro~
"Dad, you home?" Futaro asked as he opened the door.
His father turned from the TV and said, "When did you start coming home on time?"
"I can ask you the same."
Raiha added, "Aren't you supposed to be with the Nakanos?"
"I took a rain check," he began, then asked, "Dad, I need your help with something."
His father asked, "What is it?"
"I want to talk with you. It's, about a girl."
If the sky began to fall, the sun blinked out of existence, or the dinosaurs rose from the earth to reign once more...those things would be completely unexpected. This wasn't a sign of the end times, they weren't that dramatic. But this might be the closest to apocalyptic they'd ever come.
Raiha gasped, "Oh my god, a girl? Brother, this is amazing! Quick, sit down! Tell us everything!"
Father stood, "Raiha, we're going out. Guard the fort."
"What!? You're leaving!?"
"We should be back for dinner. I think."
"That's not fair! No secrets, remember?"
"No secrets, just things a father must tell his son. You'll understand someday."
His father slipped on his sneakers and snagged a coat on his way out the door. Futaro dropped his backpack and followed his father into the welcoming chill.
His father asked, "Hungry? We can grab something from a snack cart on the way."
"Where are we going?"
"Does it matter?"
"Not really."
"Then let's take a walk," his father said, taking off before Futaro could answer. He followed, not knowing if his father had a destination in mind, but trusting his direction.
They walked two blocks in silence. Futaro waited for the questions to come like a volley of arrows and readied his stoicism as his shield. He'd never been a very good son when it came to listening to his father. His early years were spent repeating his father's mistakes, and his turnaround wasn't inspired by his father's example. He became a model student of his own volition. His father accepted this change with grace and gave Futaro space to excel.
But every once in a while his father practiced his parental prerogative and pried. He insisted on asking those probing questions to pick at his core, and Futaro firmly rejected them. He's come to appreciate handling his own affairs and building his own path. He wanted to be a markedly different man than his father. Not that his father wasn't admirable in his own right, he was a kind, hardworking family man who always placed his loved ones first. What standard of living they had they owed to his efforts. Futaro had a different perspective on success, and that road was paved with tests at the high end of the bell curve.
He didn't want to come asking life advice from anyone, his father included. But here he was, his deference to his father his resignation. And yet the one time he gave his father permission to exercise his pedagogic muscles, he went silent.
They walked past a pawn shop, his father peered through the glass in search of a deal of the day. His eyes were captured by an old music box, the kind using thin metal strips and a rotating pin block to play and endless tune. Futaro frowned and thought his father wasn't taking this seriously. When his father shrugged and moved on, Futaro lost his patience and asked, "Aren't you going to say something?"
"Why? You should start."
"Haven't you always wanted to lecture me? Well now's your chance."
"Nah, this is different, you came to me."
"I thought you'd be more like Raiha. How is this time any different?"
"What good will it do us if I start, I don't even know what's wrong. You're the problem-solver, you must be stumped as a clear-cut forest if you're coming to me. So why don't you guide me to where you'll stuck and I'll see if I can take it from there?"
Huh, that was surprisingly perceptive of dad. Maybe he never gave his old man enough credit. He said, "A while ago, a girl confessed to me." His father nodded, he waited for Futaro to continue, "It's someone you know."
"One of the Nakanos? Is it Itsuki?"
"No, how do you know it's one of them?"
"Do you even talk with anyone else in school?"
"No."
"So which one?"
His father was more intuitive than he expected, "Remember after I started tutoring I'd come home complaining about each of them?"
"You wouldn't shut up about it."
"Remember the one who hated me?"
"Ah, makes sense."
"How does that make sense!?"
"Love, hate, strong emotions. They're closer than you think."
"That's not how love works."
"How would you know?"
"I read about it."
"Of course you did. Ah, forget it, it doesn't matter, might even be nothing. So she confessed to you, so something changed. What was it?" They entered the park near their home, little more than a vacant lot the city purchased and stuck some benches on. But it was quiet and isolated enough for the two.
Futaro said, "That's part of what I don't get. She used to hate me! She barely tolerated my existence, and she sabotaged me whenever I tried making them study! She fought me for months, all the way up to the final exams! And then! And then, she tells me she loves me out of nowhere!"
His father nodded, "I see, so you can't understand-"
"I'm not even done yet! So after she tells me she loves me, she says she wants to make me understand her feelings. So she gets a job at my cake shop, she finds excuses to be alone with me, she makes me food-"
"Sounds awful."
"And then, just last Friday, she changes again! She pulls back and tries acting completely neutral, because I'm getting stressed out from everything, and I just...I don't know what's going on. I thought she had an angle, but when I asked her about it she got upset, and now, I don't know. I really don't know. The littlest things set me off and I can't stop thinking about it."
His father sat on a veteran bench and looked into the cloudy sky, probably wondering if rain was coming. Futaro settled into his seat and waited, growing frustrated with each passive second. He'd presented the equation, now he wanted the missing pieces. But if his father had any, he wasn't in a hurry to supply them.
His father glanced sideways as if remembering Futaro was there, "And?"
"That's it, you're all caught up."
"Oh, I thought there'd be more."
Futaro sighed, "So you got nothing?"
"No, I think I got it."
"What? Really?"
"Yeah. And I'm not surprised you couldn't figure this out on your own, it's not your field of expertise. You may be the smartest egg in the hen-house, but you're clueless once you hatch and leave the nest."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means you can handle anything that can be scored between zero and a hundred, but you fall apart once you step into the real world."
"I didn't come here to be insulted, dad."
"Who's insulting? You came to me, I'm here to help."
"This doesn't have anything to do with it, you've wanted to tell me this for years, you just tried again last Saturday."
"I keep it to myself well enough, I know you won't listen unless you want to, you don't think I have anything worth knowing. And maybe you're right, my type of knowledge is different from yours, and I knew you'd never listen unless you came to me willingly. So here it is, listen, or don't. Up to you."
"We're not here so you can tell me what you've kept bottled up about me for years. I came because I had a problem, they have nothing to do with each other."
"They have everything to do with each other. Tell me something Futaro, if you're at a dead end with this, why is it so obvious to me?"
"Because you're an emotional savant?"
"No, it's because you keep calling this a problem. A problem you can break out on paper, apply a rule or formula, and come up with an answer. It's a perfectly logical eight-by-eleven-point-five world where everything falls into place."
"Because that's the way the world is. The universe is built on common-sense laws of matter and energy, and we're based on those building blocks. Everything is the reaction of one or more actions, everything can be explained."
"So go on then, explain her. Can you do that?"
"I wouldn't be here if I could do it myself."
"Let's try something else then. This entire time you've been focusing on her actions, what she does and why you think she does it. So let's change the subject. What is your reaction, Futaro? She says she hates you, or loves you, what do you do about it?"
"I told you, I'm getting stressed and losing sleep, and I-"
"So why don't you stop? You claim you can control your other urges, why can't you control this one?"
"Because I..." Futaro trailed off, as if the words had been primed on his tongue but failed to launch when commanded. He'd underestimated his father's wit.
His Father stood up, "Let's stop pretending we can understand this girl and ask if you can even understand yourself. You can't control her, but you claim to control yourself. So let's focus on that. We know how she feels about you, but how do you feel about her?"
"I don't feel anything."
"You teach them without pay, you feel something."
"Fine! They're friends, happy?"
"I didn't ask about them, just her. That's what this is about, isn't it? That's why you can't let this 'problem' go."
Futaro leaned back on the bench as if his father were leading an inquisition, "What about her? It's the same. I don't feel anything more."
"That's not true."
"You think I'm in love with her too?"
"I didn't say anything about love. Feelings encompass the entire emotional spectrum, from the peaks of love to the underworld of hate. Now tell me, who is she to you?"
Futaro said nothing, because he had nothing to share. Categorizing relationships on emotion isn't something he practiced. He recognized societal roles; teachers, classmates, colleagues, managers, even family members. He knew what was expected in each role and followed them like a master of Confucian classics. These five were anomalies, but he simply filed them away in a new, miscellaneous role titled 'partners'.
So what were his feelings for Nino? Nothing. He'd have been silent about the other four as well. Save for his father and sister, his heart was empty.
His father waved, "Come on, I've got something to show you."
"Where is it?"
"Far."
They took a bus seven stops, then transferred to another line for three more before getting off at a minuscule bus stop on the outskirts of a high-rise community. The bus stop was little more than a pair of benches and a tin covering held up by a pair of wooden supports that had borne its weight for a generation.
Futaro prepared to follow his father further, but his dad settled onto the bench. Futaro joined him and asked, "What's our next line?"
"No transfer, we're here."
"This is it? This bus stop?"
"Yup."
"...is it special?"
"Not really, pretty standard. Nice to see there's no graffiti."
"Okay, just tell me what I'm missing."
"This is supposed to help, not stress you out."
Futaro grit his teeth, "Just. Tell me."
"This is where your mom fell in love with me."
Futaro jerked, "Mom? You mean here, she-uh, wait, what does that have to do with anything?"
"Hear me out. You might not believe this, but your old man was quite the troublemaker in his younger years."
"I have no trouble believing that."
"Well that started to change when I met your mom. I never told you how I met her, did I? I met her through a buddy of mine, his sister was friends with her. The first night I met her, I knew I wanted her, but she made it clear she didn't want me. It took me months to convince her to give me a chance, and I had to do a lot of reflecting on who I was and where I was going before she agreed.
"Naturally I was head over heels. Her, well, if I'd suddenly disappeared, she'd have slept just fine. I know that's true, by the way, she told me herself. But she kept letting me try. Then one day a few months after we started dating, we made plans to meet at this bus stop after my shift ended. I'm about to leave when my boss calls me in and tells me there's an opportunity at a warehouse across town that comes with a raise, but I needed to fill out paperwork with him right then. I called her mom, your grandmother, and asked her to tell your mom I'd be late. Only the message never got passed, I found out later she kept it to herself hoping your mother would break up with me. She waited two hours for me at the bus stop, and when I finally arrived she was angry as a beehive who lost its queen to kids throwing pebbles. But she hugs me first this time, and she tells me never to do that again. After that, she starts acting sweeter to me, like someone turned her temperature up."
His father closed his eyes, remembering those halcyon days when life was so much simpler, then continued, "She didn't tell me this until after we married, but she waited on that bench for hours not knowing what happened to me. You know how people expect the worst when they don't have news. She thought about everything that could have happened to me on the way here. And it made her realize what I meant to her, how I'd tiptoed into her heart. And as she thought about our entire relationship, and everything we were, and might be, she realized she loved me, and she didn't want me to disappear." He grinned, "That transfer was the best thing that ever happened to me."
Futaro sat back and wondered if this is where his mother was sitting all those years ago. And he wondered, "But what does that have to do with me?"
"You were born because of it."
"I mean now."
"The fact that you still can't understand means you're emotionally the dumbest boy I know-"
"-That doesn't-"
-and so you need to learn!"
Futaro blinked, "How?"
"Here's my answer: human beings are more complicated than any equation and will never be understood. But it's worth trying."
Futaro sighed, "So I'm the one that needs to change? All of this is my fault?"
"Were you listening to anything I said? Fault has nothing to do with it. But you'll never understand unless you learn about people. Not the greats of history you can find in a book, people! Then you can ask yourself how you feel about others, and how you feel about her."
"That sounds like something from a romance novels."
"It isn't. It might be love, it probably isn't, but it could be anything because you don't know yourself. At least if you learn to understand what you feel, you'll have an answer."
Futaro shook his head, "That isn't the answer I want. I don't need romance, or love, or feelings. I get that they're supposed to be this wondrous things, and that people spend their lives wanting them, but I don't! I don't want to be in love, I don't want to feel like I'm a slave to an urge! I want to be better than that!"
"Better? Nothing was better than being loved by your mother."
"You're such a romantic. How do you even know, it's not like you tested every woman in the world. Love is a statistical convenience."
"You're right about that. Maybe I'd have been happier with a Roma lass, or a woman from Sri Lanka who's never seen a skyscraper, how can I know? But I never think about it. Even if love is convenient, I was happy with your mother, and we built a good life. And even though she left us before her time, that feeling lives on in me, in you, in Raiha, and I'm more fulfilled than if I chose a lonely life, and I still have plenty of time to fill it even more. It's not too late for you to start, either."
"I'm not trying to, it's just not for me! Love, and all those other things, they'd just distract me!"
"You were born from it, you were raised in it. It's part of who you are, and even if you bury it down to the soles of your feet, it will still be what carries you every day. You want to be something more than human, Futaro? Well sometimes I want to be a bird and fly free. But I'm a man, and I'm all a man is. You won't get anywhere denying a part of yourself. Your desires don't have to control you, but you'll never amputate them. It's part of being human, Futaro. Maybe you should study that too."
His father stood and stretched, "That's all I have, son. Take it or leave it. Let's head back. Or, would you like to stay here a while and think? It worked for your mom."
"I'm not mom," Futaro said and stood. They crossed the street together to the opposite stop and caught the bus home.
~Futaro~
Sometimes in order to solve a problem, you needed to look at it from another perspective, or even tear it apart and dissect its parts one by one. Futaro had tried asking his father because he'd thought if his father could drag him to his more vigorous standing, he'd see the pieces he failed to grasp. But it was a mistake, his father had in fact seen him as the problem, and apparently they had more in common than Futaro thought, because his father tore him apart to solve it.
Dad was chipper returning home. How long had he been waiting for permission to rip into his son for all his perceived flaws? Futaro felt like a gullible buffoon for throwing the floodgates wide open.
He'd ignored his sister's probing stare and readied himself at his desk for an evening of studying. Falling back into habit should help him forget about today's embarrassment. But if his mind was already cracking from Nino's assaults, it was ready to crumble after time with his father.
How was he related to that man? They had absolutely nothing in common, at least not anymore. Maybe his mother loved his father less than he bragged and he was secretly the lovechild of some genius scientist who shielded his emotions like maidens in a vault.
Oh dammit, there he goes making crazy theories again. What the hell was wrong with him!?
He was drawn out of his private pity-party when his phone buzzed. He pulled it out and checked the message.
How'd it go?
He thought about how to respond, and decided to ask.
Can I call?
He waited several minutes before giving up, she wasn't getting back to him. Then, right as he set it down, it buzzed.
Had to step outside, ready!
Step outside? Not a bad idea. He told his family he'd be out for a bit. His dad told him to grab a jacket this time of night. He opened the closet and rifled through his clothes, stopping at the coat Nino had picked out for him for the class trip. The sight of it annoyed him, he snatched a pullover and headed outside.
He dialed and counted the rings, one, two. She answered, "Hey!"
"Hey Yotsuba."
"Don't keep me waiting. How'd it go?"
"Not great."
"Aww, I'm sorry."
"Don't be, you had a good idea, it just didn't work out."
"I thought he'd give you better advice than I could."
"I'm sure it was good for someone, just not me. And thanks for covering for me, how'd your sisters take me skipping out?"
"Not bad, I think we needed a day's break anyways."
"Good, but be ready tomorrow, I'm making up for today."
"Got it!" she said, then paused, "So, what did your dad say?"
"Huh?"
"I'm curious, what did he tell you?"
Futaro wondered how she'd react if he told her. He imagined she'd be much more receptive to her father's teachings than he was, but Yotsuba was powered by bursts of inspiration, it could be expected.
And then he wondered what she'd think of him. If she'd heard the full conversation, would she agree? He decided to ask, "Yotsuba, before I tell you, can I ask something?"
"Sure!"
"I want you to be honest."
"Okay."
"Am I stubborn?"
"Like a boulder." Ouch, not even a hint of hesitation.
"...Really?"
"You don't think so?"
"I never thought about it."
"Hey, hey! Don't sound so down! It's good to stand by your principles!" Was she trying to cheer him up? Did he sound that disheartened?
"Maybe. So you still wanna hear what happened?"
"Yup! I'm all ears."
He gave her every detail as best he could, trying not to make it too analytical. He couldn't help favoring his own side, but he tried to present details as impartially as possible like a historical record.
When he finished, he asked, "So what do you think?"
"Uh, I have no idea. That's a lot to unpack."
"But is he right?"
"Well..."
"Yotsuba, I can take it."
"...he's not wrong. I think! I mean, he makes good points. You...does that make you sad?"
It's funny, hearing it from dad made him righteously angry, but Yotsuba didn't press an attack. Even her admission felt like a soft pat on the head, a reward for his efforts. "No, not sad. Maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else."
"And it's not like you're an emotionless monster. You can be really happy sometimes! Remember that time in the park?"
"How can I forget. I admit it, I...I was happy that time. But it isn't something I set out to feel, it's like every time it happens my defenses are broken and it comes out."
"Uesugi, that sounds bad. Are we bad for you?" Oh no, she sounded so sad.
"No! No, that isn't what I mean. It's just, that isn't who I want to be."
"Who do you want to be?" Ah Yotsuba, always so direct, so simple, and unlike Nino he never doubted her sincerity. It was refreshing.
"I want to be someone people can rely on. Someone useful."
"And that's why you study so hard? And why you don't want to feel, or be controlled by, er, urges?"
"That's one way to put it."
"Why can't you do both?"
"Because I wouldn't be as good as I am now. If I let myself get distracted, I'll be less useful."
"I dunno..." Yotsuba trailed off, then came back in a rush, "But I guess you would know! I mean, you are the smart one!"
He used to be, he wasn't sure about that anymore. Nino, his father, now Yotsuba spoke in ways that chipped the foundations of his worldview, and they stood by with such certainty. If he could put the pieces together himself, he'd be able to brush it all away. But he was even more clueless than before.
If all the world was saying you were wrong, would you believe them? He was dedicated to this focused road to an isolated future. And yet when even Yotsuba, honest-to-a-fault Yotsuba, thought he might be mistaken, he couldn't help but ask himself if he was.
If he were feeling now, what would it be? Gratitude? Resentment? Something in between? Maybe he could test it, Yotsuba wouldn't mind. At least he hoped.
"Hey, Yotsuba?"
"Yes?"
"Can you call me by my first name?"
"Huh? Why?"
"I want to see what it feels like."
Yotsuba's side went dead for several seconds, then she said, "Futaro?"
"Yes?"
"How was it?"
He felt nothing, but he didn't want to tell her that now, "I'll tell you later. Thanks for listening. And, for everything else today."
"No problem, Futaro-oh, I mean-"
"Futaro's fine. I think we passed that point a long time ago."
"Really? Wow! Okay, goodnight Futaro!"
"Goodnight Yotsuba."
He continued his faux studying past dinner and into the night when everyone else was asleep. He thought he'd considered every angle, every aspect of the problem. He prided himself in being thorough, never missing a single element essential to solutions. But was this, as his father would say, human problem, unsolvable because he refused to grow outside his narrow lane?
Emotions were the death knell of logical thought. It clouded judgment like navigating in a blizzard. How was he supposed to learn from that? Or, was there some figment of truth within emotional intelligence he never discovered because he'd discarded the subject as a whole? Was that the root of his failure?
Maybe he needed a test. Yes, a test! An emotional trial, a test run of feelings. He'd plot a safari into this unknown territory and see what he could find. And if it was useless, as he suspected, he'd discard it wholesale and search for another avenue to understanding.
But how was he to do it? Ignoring feelings was as natural to him as rivers flowing downhill. He's spent years mentally honing his focus to ignore bodily desires and emotional whims. It was a habit strong and permanent as carvings in rock. So where could he start? It had to be with those five, that's where all this chaos began. If he threw himself wholly into it maybe he'd feel a spark that would light a trail to what he was looking for.
He took the five copies of tutoring material he prepared for tomorrow. Each was headlined with a single blank space. Five uniform papers for five identical sisters. It was only after they put their names on them that they gained real meaning. So Futaro did something he never did: he assigned them. He filled in each of their names on top, and the forms were no longer replaceable. This one belonged to Ichika, and he could already see her tight, neat scrawl filling in blanks. He picked up Yotsuba's and imagined her tall strokes filling space like water fills a tub, while Miku's would be so small, like it was trying to hide from his gaze. Itsuki's would have notes in the margins asking for additional information. And Nino, well.
What did he do that made her fall in love? He may not embrace the concept, but he understood the reverence it held. As part of his studies he'd read the old poets searching for the words to describe such a delicate, bountiful gift. Why anyone, Nino of all people, would grant him hers was incomprehensible. She wanted a proper romance filled with idyllic standards of masculinity straight out of a dream. Why did she settle for him?
But then so many love stories finished without the protagonist receiving affection in turn. Love was selfish at its core, it was a fire burning bright that demanded to be seen like a lighthouse in the night. Nino dragged his unwilling eyes to her passion out of selfishness. He should be angry with her, unfortunately his own understanding of love has shifted, and while he still rejected the concept for himself, he understood its appeal to others and no longer considered it an absolute waste of spirit. So he couldn't discount her feelings, even if he couldn't return them, or even understand them.
And then for the first time he was hit by the full weight of being loved. Someone has chosen to commit a portion of their precious lifetime approaching him, thinking about him, and caring for his well-being. And with that love came all the deceptions and tribulations multiplied by his own apathetic response. And yet she kept coming back. This was Nino, stubborn as a salmon swimming upstream. For him.
He felt his cheeks burning, his heart quickening as he fully comprehended that he was loved. He thought to suppress the feeling, but remembered his test and struggled to ignore his instinct. He felt warm, like his organs were an oven cooking him inside.
He thought her romantic interest was delusional, like she'd snap out of it and regain her senses in a sudden show of embarrassed rage. But she didn't, and if her feelings were real, maybe she never would. Should he enjoy her love? He certainly wouldn't return it, and he refused to be dishonest for her.
He remembered his father's questions: who is she to you? What did he want? What were his feelings for her? They were unfamiliar like a stranger passing in the street. He closed his eyes and tried to glimpse that stranger beneath their popped hood and low hat, and he saw admiration. Not love, not romance, but a respect for this person who diligently pursued her dreams and loved her family with fiery passion dancing so wildly it burned.
He didn't want things to change like this, but they did, now he had to react. Denying it, turning it over in his mind like an engine for days at a time got him no closer to an answer. Since their relationships began, Futaro had let others define his meaning with these five girls. To solve this problem, or whatever it may be, he had to start defining them for himself, and it would start with Nino. So what did he want from her? He didn't understand himself, close bonds were new territory for him. But he knew what he didn't want. He didn't want this distance and constant questioning. He wanted to talk to her again without shouting or fighting, and maybe this time he'd ask the right questions.
He was struck with desire. On any other night he would have ignored it, but tonight he was open to possibility. He grabbed Nino's paper and wrote an additional line. It was short, only a few words long, and had no academical purpose at all. But it felt like the most important line on the paper.
Felt. He realized he felt. Maybe he could do this after all.
It read 'I'm sorry, I want to talk to you again. Please forgive me'.
A/N
The Quintessential Quintuplets caught my interest because it is a very character-driven story, more than it is a romance or a harem or a drama, it's a story about people that feel distinct and memorable. In fact it's so character-oriented the rest of the universe may as well exist only for their narrative sake. The cast is incredibly small and surrounded by nameless faces and bland character models. And even some of the named characters get little development. Futaro's father is one such character, and one I've played around with to build his own background and worldview. I wanted to introduce a counterpoint to Futaro's perspective that existed outside of the quintuplets, and his Father seemed to fit well when I tested the idea. Wisdom is an excellent counter to Futaro's cold calculus. I'm not saying that Futaro's perspective is incorrect, only that I remember feeling similarly to how I portray Futaro in this story, and that was a stage in my life I had to learn my way through to become, in my view, a more complete person. Futaro's young and thinks he has the world figured out. Didn't we all. He has a lot of growing left to do, but he's smart, he'll figure it out.
Thank you everyone who's taken the time to read this story so far. In an earlier chapter I estimated this story at around 30 chapters. I'm quite confident now that it'll exceed that, and whether or not that's a positive or negative is entirely subjective. So if you can stick with me that long, I'll deliver something memorable, and if I'm lucky, even meaningful. And if you enjoyed it so far, or find something worth criticizing, please leave feedback in a review.
Chapter published April 4th, 2019.