Neither of them had any idea what they were supposed to do now.
The cat was out of the bag. He liked her. She liked him. That was all that there was to it. It was simple, and should have been a happy occasion, their mutual confession, but instead it just brought with it a massive, paralyzing, question.
What next?
Reigen had no idea what she was supposed to do now. She liked him. She wasn't madly in love with him but she did have feelings for him. Her feelings for him went beyond the physical, if this had just been sexual attraction it would have faded already, and that was the worst thing. She liked him as a person. She wanted to be with him in all ways. She didn't want a night or two with him and then them going their separate ways….but that was always how it went. It always felt so good, starting out, but it always ended the same way…and she didn't want them to end.
She wanted to be with him.
And it was terrifying.
"Same?" asked Serizawa. She knew what he meant, right? He liked her, just liked her, well not JUST liked her. He like-liked her, to borrow a word from the girls. He wasn't in love with her or anything, at least he thought that he wasn't, and either way he was not opening with an 'I love you'. He had barely choked out an 'I like you'. Even that was…a lot.
It needed to be said.
He just could not keep it to himself any longer. Every single day, every moment, he spent with her he just wanted to blurt it out because she just…well he just…wanted her to know. That way he could get some closure, which his therapist said was very important to have, as to whether or not she felt the same way…even though she couldn't have. She could do so much better…even if did seem, sometimes, like she liked him back…like earlier…she had held his hand…and that had been what had done it. Because he needed to know. Yes or no, acceptance or rejection, he needed to know.
But she said nothing.
Was she waiting for him to say something? But what could he say? He always needed time when he spoke, time to collect his thoughts, and time to make sure that he wasn't making an idiot out of himself…like he just had. He had made an idiot out of himself…hadn't he? He just blurted it out and now things were…whatever this was.
Awkward. That was what this was.
"Miss Reigen-?" asked Serizawa because, well, the silence was worse than anything that she could have said. She must have been getting ready to reject him, yes, that was it. Well then…well then he could take it. Then they could move forward…or pretend that this had never happened. She said that she felt the same but…but that was impossible. She must have been trying to spare his feelings or-
"Yeah? Sorry, just…this is a lot. I'm sorry." Said Reigen. She held her hands clasped together and stared down at her feet. She could see the red of her toenails through her stockings. Thin, too thin. She felt the seam with her toes.
"N-no, don't be! I just…I shouldn't have said anything." Said Serizawa. She wasn't looking at him, she was looking down. She said that she felt the same…and he needed to get off of that. Maybe she just said that to make him happy. Maybe she just felt put on the spot. Or maybe he had fallen asleep on the train and this was all a wonderfully terrible or terribly wonderful dream.
"Serizawa…I'm glad that you said something because…I don't know. It's good to have everything out in the open, I guess. I'm glad that you were…brave…enough to say something. You've come a long way." said Reigen. She was proud of him, she really was, and maybe they could just focus on how far he had come and not where they were supposed to go from here.
"Thank you…that means a lot to me…coming from you. Do you…do you really feel the same? I didn't mean to put you on the spot or to make you feel like you had to-" said Serizawa
"Serizawa, you didn't make me say anything. I really do care about you…in that way. I feel the same and it's just…this is hard for me right now." Said Reigen softly. Honest. She was being honest. She was out of words, past the point of rambling, and now everything was out there in the open and they were just going to have to deal with this like the adults that they were.
She didn't want to deal with this like an adult.
She wished, then, that she was one of the kids. Things were so simple when you were that age. He liked you, you liked him, and then you held hands and declared yourselves to be a couple. Everything was so much more simple back then, looking back as a grown woman, even if the girls did make everything out to be more complicated than it had to be. If she and Serizawa were in middle school, or even high school, then this would have been simple. Him and her alone with their mutual confession between them…yeah. Fourteen year old Reigen Arataki would have just gone with this.
But she was not fourteen year old Reigen Arataki, she was twenty eight year old Reigen Arataki, and she had to think more than a couple hours into the future. Not that she had even the first idea of what she even wanted their future to be.
Relationships were hard.
But that was what she wanted with him. This was not about sex, it would have been so much easier if it had been about sex, but this was about feelings. Those things. Those things that she had been trying to divorce from…well….this. She had been running from even catching the ghosts of these feelings for almost her entire romantic life because they hurt. They hurt so much…as good as it felt when she started out it always ended in pain…
"Why? I mean…I know why. You're my boss, for one thing, and you could do so much better-" said Serizawa staring down at the rug. Dark blue. Same color as his socks. She didn't have socks on, just stockings, and she was digging her toes into the rug too. She stopped, though, suddenly and the bed beneath her creaked with the force of her looking up. At him. Right at him. He looked up more slowly. There was something in her eyes then, something that he had only seen once before. It made him sit up straighter, it made his aura crackle around them, and it took his breath away.
"Don't you ever say that! Ever. Serizawa, don't ever say that. You're a good man, Serizawa, and anyone would be happy to have you." Said Reigen. That was not what he was going to take away from this. Yes, she was his boss, but she could not do better than him. She could not even begin to imagine what, who, could possibly be better than him. What did he think, that she was waiting around for Prince Charming to ride up on his flying white horse and take her off to his castle in the sky? Well she wasn't. She wasn't waiting…anymore…and if she had been waiting she would have been waiting for a sweet man, a caring man, one who never gave up no matter what life threw at him. One who saved her life without even a thought. One who had seen her, seen her at her most confident, and her most terrified, and took her as she was. If she had to wait for someone it would have been for him.
"But it's the truth. I dropped out of school, and from the world, when I was twelve. I helped to take over the world…I followed Suzuki literally to the ends of the Earth….my best friends, besides you, are a bunch of kids-" said Serizawa
"And mine aren't? Serizawa, aside from you my only friends are those kids." Said Reigen
"Really?" asked Serizawa
"Yes. You are the only adult I spend any real time with. You're a great person and anyone would, and should, be happy to be with you. Yeah, you've had a hard life, but that doesn't diminish you in any way. You've done a lot of good in your life, Serizawa, you helped save the entire fucking world…and you saved my life. You saved my life that day…me and the kids. So what if you followed Suzuki? He was a manipulative psychopath. He manipulated a lot of people into following him, not just you, and when you realized that he was a monster you left him. You're a brave man, the bravest man that I have ever met, and I…I care about you for that. I care about you and I don't want to hear you talking down about yourself like that." Said Reigen
"…I just don't understand why you would like me…back. I just…I feel like you could find someone better than me…and I don't-" said Serizawa
"You're a person, Serizawa, not an appliance. There isn't just a better model sitting on the shelf waiting for me to buy. I don't think about people in terms of 'better' and 'worse' and I wish that you didn't, either. I don't care about what the other men out there are like, ok? I just…I like you. I feel this way about you and only you…and I haven't felt like this in so long. I haven't felt like this in so long and…and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I have no idea what comes…next." Said Reigen
"What do you want to come next? I want…I want whatever you want." Said Serizawa
"I don't know! I don't want to ruin what we have but I want….I don't know. I mean I know but…it's never worked out for me…and I don't want to ruin what we have." said Reigen
"…I don't understand. If we feel the same way about one another then…I mean I know that you're my boss and it's never a good idea to have a relationship with your boss…" Said Serizawa
"I'm your boss and you…you've been through so much…" said Reigen
"But I still want us to be…together…" said Serizawa softly
"….so do I." said Reigen just as softly
"So can we be…together? I mean…however you want us to be. I don't want to lose what we have, either, but I also want us to be…whatever you want us to be." Said Serizawa
"You don't have to put everything on me, you know, you're here too." Said Reigen bitterly
"I'm sorry-" said Serizawa
"I mean, that's a lot, you know? What do you want me to say? That I want to be your girlfriend? I have no idea what you want and if I just come out and say something like that without knowing what you want…and even if you did want that, too, there's no guarantee that what we have will go beyond this hotel room." Said Reigen
"What do you-?" asked Serizawa
"Because it's easy to say things like 'I like you' and 'I want to be with you' when you're in a room like this. When we're all alone, here, together it's easy to just say things. What about when this is over? What about when the sun comes back up and we have to leave this room?" asked Reigen
"Miss Reigen-" said Serizawa
"It's so easy to say things but what about afterwards. I just…I don't this to begin and end in this room. It's easy to say things when we have this room but when it's time to check out-" said Reigen
"What do you mean? Miss Reigen…I don't know what you mean. There was nothing easy about saying that to you. I've been wanting to say that to you since…since I don't know when. After I saved you, maybe, or after you saved me…or I don't even know. I do know that telling you how I feel was one of the most difficult things that I've ever had to do in my life. It was difficult but I had to say it because I just…I need closure. I want to be with you. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to spend time with you. I want to be with you and I just…I don't know what you mean when you ask me what'll happen when we leave this room. In this room or outside of this room I'll still feel the same way about you." Said Serizawa. There was silence, now. Too much silence. She was looking down again. This did not suit her. She was loud and brash and confident. She always knew just what to do and say but now…he had never seen this side of her before.
It did not suit her.
"I don't know either. I just…to be honest I'm afraid. I know that you're not like that, you could never be like that, but part of me is just…afraid, I guess." Said Reigen
"Of me?" asked Serizawa
"No! Serizawa, not of you, never of you. I'm just afraid…I'm afraid that this is going to go like every single relationship I've ever had. Badly. It feels so good when you start out but keeping it together…if it even goes beyond this room, is something that I've never been able to do. That's why I don't do the whole 'girlfriend' thing anymore. That's why I've just…I haven't felt this way about anyone in years. I haven't let myself feel this way about anyone in years. I just…I don't want to wake up tomorrow and pick my clothes up off the floor and just…that'll be it." Said Reigen
"Oh…oh! You were talking about us…it's not about that! You're…it's more than that. You're pretty…very pretty…and I think that you're very attractive, also I think that you're beautiful-" said Serizawa wringing his hands and trying to pull words from the air. He was looking up at the ceiling, now, as if he was trying to find the right words in the light fixture.
"Thanks." Said Reigen with a small smile. This suited him, flustered. Nervous. Endearing. She was brought back to that message he sent her, the three simple words that had managed to make her come undone. 'You look pretty'. She reached up and played with a strand of her hair that had come loose from her ponytail. She crossed her legs at the ankles. She smiled, too, a small smile. As worried as she was, as heavy as the atmosphere was, he could still make her insides turn to jelly with a stutter and a blush…
"But it's not about…that. I mean…I've never…but it's not about that. I just want to be with you. I just…I want to spend time with you. I mean if you wanted to…but it's about more than that. So much more. I've never felt this way about someone, someone who was worth it, before. I've never felt this way about a woman before and it's…it's a little scary for me, too, but I want to…if you wanted to be with me then I wouldn't say no…and I would still be yours tomorrow, too, and the next day. As many days as you wanted me to be…yours." said Serizawa. He had thought about her like that before, even though he knew that he shouldn't have, but he still did. Nothing was going to happen. He had no idea how something would even begin to happen…and he was not about to go blundering his way through this now. Not now. Maybe not ever…the thought hurts. But if that was what she wanted…not now. Now was not the time for them to even begin to iron that out. He had no idea if the two of them were even a couple yet.
"Serizawa…" said Reigen. If he had been anyone else then she would have just walked right out of there. She did not like to be buttered up. From any other man that would have just been talk, the kind of sugary sweet talk that was designed for the purposes of getting her into bed, but he was not that sort of man. He was speaking with honesty, pure and utter honesty…
"If you want us to be a couple then that's…that would make me so happy…but if you didn't want us to be a couple then I'll accept that and we can go back to the way that things were. You know how I feel and I…I just want to make you happy." Said Serizawa
The ball was, once again, in her court. He was being honest, transparent, and she…she had to be, too. She had been. She had closed herself off to this for so long, preferring to have her fun and then leave before she could be left, but he…he wanted more than fun. He wasn't just saying that, dangling the hope of something more in front of her like a carrot. He meant it. He meant every word he said. All he wanted was her happiness…and that was the most beautiful thing that anyone had ever said to her.
He cared about her.
She cared about him.
For him…for him maybe she could try. He wasn't…he was himself. He was not lying to her. He had no ulterior motive besides wanting to make her happy. No motive beyond wanting to be with her. He didn't even want…he was a man, of course he wanted to sleep with her, but it went beyond that. She wanted him, too, in that way but for her it went beyond that.
He was waiting for her answer.
She took his hand.
"Serizawa…yes. My answer, so long as what we have goes…beyond this room…is yes. I want…I want to be with you, too. I want to be your girlfriend." Said Reigen. Her fingers were laced with his. He had stopped breathing. She could see it, his aura, glowing around him. Them. He looked at her like she was the answer to every prayer that he had ever said. He swallowed once, twice, then thrice.
"It-it will. I want…yes. I want this…too…but you already knew that." Said Serizawa
"Yeah, you made that perfectly clear." Said Reigen with a laugh. She didn't cover her mouth that time and for once Serizawa could see what she looked like when she was truly happy. She still held his hand. He held hers right back.
He held his girlfriend's hand.
Her hand was soft, so soft, and now he could really appreciate it. He ran his thumb across the side of her hand. So very soft…probably from the lotion she used. Maybe he should use some, too. Was his skin soft enough? She was the first woman that he had ever held hands with. He was not the first man…and that was fine. Really. A woman as wonderful as her…of course she had been in relationships before. She had even said so…and that those relationships had fallen apart…
This would not fall apart. He wouldn't let it.
He held her hand tighter. He would not let this fall apart. This relationship. His first relationship. His first REAL relationship. The President did not count…and she would have to be told about that…all of that…but not now. Not tonight. Tonight was…he had no idea what tonight was. This was not about sex, they had both made that clear, but the option was there…now. Not that he would even think of asking her of taking that option! No! Too soon! She needed time! He needed time! These things took time! He was holding her hand…and that was all that he would ask for. This was more than he could ever have asked for, before.
This was perfect.
But the question still hung in the air between them. That question that had been in the air between them for God only knew how long. Serizawa decided, then, that he should be the one to say it. Somebody had to.
"Miss Reigen….what do we-" asked Serizawa. Before he could even finish her ringtone could be heard wailing from her bag. Reigen let go of his hand and practically threw herself across the bed. Serizawa wondered if it was alright to look at her, now, because she was his…girlfriend…he loved that word! Girlfriend. She was his girlfriend and she had really nice legs and-
No. That is not what this is about. Stop it, Katsuya.
Reigen could feel his eyes on her. She knew that, maybe, she should have just walked around the bed. She reached behind herself and tugged her skirt down with one hand while she fished her phone out with the other. Oh. Mob.
Mob?
A thousand and one thoughts raced through Reigen's mind. Mob never called, always texted, and even then….she had given those three the day off…don't panic. Mob might just need some advice…or she might be lonely…or maybe Tome had finally gotten herself arrested…or maybe the office had burnt down again…
She took a deep breath and hit the answer button.
"Mob, what's up?" asked Reigen. Serizawa sat up a little straighter. Miss Kageyama? For a moment he's so worried that the room begins to shake. Did something happen? Was she ok? Were the others? There was so much that could happen to her…to all of them….
He eavesdropped maybe just a little bit.
"What? Why do you need…what? I gave you the day off. Mob…is that Tome? What are you three even-? No, no happy endings! Tome had better not even know what that…uh-huh….exorcism….just keep the money….what? Why were you in my…take those off, they were expensive….Mob, keep the money…divide it three ways….I don't need a cut…uh huh…Mob…Mob, I miss you too…uh huh…ok then. See you guys tomorrow." Said Reigen. She rolled over and sat up. Serizawa looked away from her, quickly, because he should not have been staring at her or eavesdropping.
"Those three, I swear…" said Reigen with a sigh. She had no idea what was happening but she knew it involved an exorcism, the girls taking way too much initiative, and a pair of her good work heels. Well at least she had a story coming to her, tomorrow.
But the girls didn't.
They had been 'shipping' her and Serizawa for a while now but, really, it was not their business. She cared about them, she really did, but she knew that if she told them what had happened they would have a million and one questions that she did not want to answer….and their minds would run away with them…not that their minds didn't already have a tendency of running away with them…
Nothing had happened, was happening, or was going to happen. Not that the girls would ever believe that.
"Wh-what happened? Are they alright?" asked Serizawa. They were so small and adorable…anything could have happened to them…even though Miss Kageyama was the most powerful being on Earth…
"They're fine, they just decided to use their day off to work. There's a story coming to us tomorrow, I can't wait." Said Reigen with a smile. Serizawa smiled, too, but it was tense. Right. What were they going to say to Miss Kageyama, Miss Kurata, and Miss Kurosaki? They would know something had happened when he and Miss Reigen came back from this…together…as in they were a couple…
"What do we…what do we tell them?" asked Serizawa. Reigen shrugged.
"Let them figure it out themselves. If we just go and tell them, well, then I'm going to have to field a lot of questions that I don't want to field right now. Plus, well, I don't want to give them the satisfaction of having been right about us. Not that this is a secret or anything! I just…I'll tell them if you want me to." Said Reigen
"That's not…I honestly think that they'll figure it out themselves…they seem good about things like this, knowing them I mean." Said Serizawa
"Yeah, you can't get anything past middle school girls." Said Reigen with a laugh. He didn't laugh, he just smiled. He smiled at her. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and blushed.
"So…." Said Serizawa. They were doing this. They were really doing this.
"Yes?" asked Reigen. They were doing this. They were really doing this. It much too early to be doing…that…but they were doing this. Whatever this was.
"You're my….girlfriend now…right?" asked Serizawa
"If you still want me to be, yes." said Reigen. His eyes were darting up to hers and then down to bed she was on. Then to his bed. Was he thinking….it was so early…and he had just said that he had never been with a woman before…so maybe he wanted get on with it…no. He's not like that. This is something more to him than…that.
"I do...I really do…and I just…can I ask you to do…something?" asked Serizawa
"S-Sure…" said Reigen. Even if he did ask her to…then what? It wasn't like she had never…
"Can I…I mean…is it ok if…" said Serizawa. He wrung his hands together. Was it ok to ask her this? She was his girlfriend, now, but…but this was still so new and so fragile…
"What's up?" asked Reigen. He was a grown man, of course he would want to…and she wanted to…so why not? She hadn't been this nervous since…since the first couple times…and that had been fifteen years ago….she was such a teenager right now.
"Can I…can I sit next to you? And hold your hand? Feel free to say no!" said Serizawa. He just wanted to…holding her hand had been so amazing…and she was so far away from him…even though she was just on the bed across from his…but now that he could be close to her…he wanted to.
"Oh. Yeah, sure." Said Reigen with a blink. That was it? That was…well for him that was a lot. For her, too. Why was she so nervous? This was just hand holding. She was not fourteen anymore. She had done everything, so why did holding hands sent her heart beating up into her chest?
Serizawa took a deep breath, got up, and sat next to her. It took a moment, just a moment, for her to reach over and take his hand. Sweaty. His. Hers. They both forgot how to breath, for a moment, as they just…felt. Him. Her. Them.
She laced her fingers in his.
He squeezed her hand right back.
What was next? This. This was next.