Mob did not want to eat cat food.
She liked cats, they were loyal and fluffy and soft and the purest creatures to exist in this world but she did not want to eat their food.
"That's the only option, Mob, since nothing even the least but supernatural is happening. You've just got to eat can after can of cat food until you smell enough like cat food that the cat comes to you." Said Tome as she held out a can of cat food that promised that it was made out of filet mignon and lobster.
"But I don't want to eat the cat food." Said Mob. They were at the job, now. It was at a nice old lady's house. She welcomed them into her home with tea and hard candy and told them a very long story about how things were when she was their age. Then she pinched their cheeks and told them that their little psychic agency was adorable. Then she pointed them to the crawl space under her house where the spirit was.
But Mob hadn't felt a spirit.
"I don't want to play rock paper scissors again, it was too close that time. Besides I can't eat the cat food because I'm allergic to… butylated hydroxyanisole…." Said Rei as she read the can in Tome's hand. She brushed her hair out of her face. Ruined. Hours of work ruined because they all had to go crawling in the crawl space after some spirit…which had turned out to just be a stray cat….a very fast stray cat…
"I dare you to read it again." said Tome with a laugh. She wondered if she could record it and play it back for Mob's little brother. Was Rei at the point, yet, where she was pretending that she couldn't read?
"I totally am! It makes me…um…die…" said Rei. Mob gasped.
"I didn't know that about you, Rei. Tome, be careful!" said Mob. Tome hit herself over the head with the can of pilfered cat food.
"You eat the cat food if you're so in favor of this plan." Said Rei. She didn't see why one of them needed to eat it. Wouldn't opening a can and leaving it at the entrance of the crawlspace be easier and less…disgusting?
"I'm the leader and I decide who eats the cat food." Said Tome
"Why does somebody even have to eat the cat food in the first place? Why do we have to eat cat food? I don't want to eat cat food." Said Mob
"Someone needs to eat the cat food so that they, eventually, smell enough like cat food that the cat will come to them. How many times do I have to explain the plan? See, this is why I'm the leader, I'm the only one here coming up with ideas!" said Tome
"Wait, why are you the leader? Mob should be the leader, she's been working for Reigen the longest. Also she's the most powerful and she wouldn't try and make any of us eat cat food." Said Rei
"I don't want to be the leader and I don't want to eat cat food either." Said Mob
"See? She knows that she's totally unsuited for the power and responsibility of a leadership positon." Said Tome. Somebody had to make the tough calls around there. Sure they could have just left a bunch of cans of cat food out for the cat but then they'd miss out on the hilarity of one of them eating cat food. Besides, it wasn't like it was poisonous or something, not at all, Tome bought the premium stuff specifically for that reason.
"Well then can I be the leader?" asked Rei
"On what grounds?" asked Tome
"The grounds that I would have come up with a plan that didn't involve eating cat food." Said Rei
"I nominate Rei on the grounds that I don't want to eat cat food." Said Mob
"Well Mob you wouldn't have to eat the cat food if you would just use your powers to drag that cat out so we could collect the money already and fix Reigen's shoes before she finds out and exorcises us while we're still alive." Said Tome
"I can't drag the cat out…that would be mean…" said Mob. That poor cat. If it were up to Mob the cat would have been left in peace to make weird noises and stuff to it's heart's content. Unfortunately they needed the money and the needs of the client trumped the needs of a cat…even though that was in no way fair to the cat.
"So come on, while we're young." Said Tome. There was more scratching and yowling from the crawlspace. Poor cat. Tome liked cats, she wasn't on the crazy cat lady path in life like Mob was,
"Wait, I thought that I was the leader now." Said Rei
"Yeah. I vote for Rei." Said Mob
"Ok, fine, Rei can be leader. What's your big plan, oh great leader?" asked Tome. Rei's aura was visible for a moment. Orange, like orange soda colored. Not as bright as Mob's, though. Not that Tome was jealous or anything.
"Um…wait for the cat to come out on it's own. It will…eventually…and then we can take it to the no kill shelter where it'll be adopted and live a long and happy life." Said Rei
"Uh-huh, and how long is that going to take?" asked Tome
"Hours." Said Rei.
"By that time it'll be dark out!" said Tome checking her phone. Mom said that if she missed curfew one more time she'd be in for it. That could mean something as light as a lecture or something as terrible as a grounding. Either way they had a job to do and they were going to do it! Even if meant one of them eating cat food! Because it was both pragmatic and hilarious.
"Um….in that case we can…" said Rei. She looked into the future as best as she could. She knew that they had to go back into the crawlspace, it was their best bet for getting the cat out, but she did not want to go back down there not even for all the money in the world. It was dark and gross and full of bugs and spiders.
"We can call Sho, he knows about animals." Said Mob pulling out her phone. She went into her contacts and scrolled down to Sho's picture. Well a picture of Sho's hamster, anyway.
"You have Sho's number?" asked Rei in a tone that Mob could not place. Mob nodded and showed Rei her contacts list.
"I thought you were madly in love with Mob's little brother…or you at least wanted in his pants." Said Tome rolling her eyes. Rei had the worst taste, the absolute worst, when it came to guys. Mob's younger brother and his annoying friend. Sheesh.
"Hey! I do not! I just think he's…great. He's a great guy and he's nice and smart and-" said Rei
"I'm calling Sho." Said Mob. She loved Ritsu, she really did, and she knew that if any girl had to like Ritsu Rei was the best girl to do so, but she did not want to hear about how in love Rei was with Ritsu. Really she should have been the happiest she had ever been in…well not her life, that was reserved for other times like when she met Master Reigen or when she kissed Teru for the first time or that time when she was really little and they first brought Ritsu home from the hospital. Mob didn't really remember that last part but there was a DVD of when Ritsu came home for the first time. Mob was so happy she made them both float…not that she wanted to. She was only a baby so she couldn't help it…but she had been happy. She should have been happy then, too, because when Ritsu and Rei got married then Rei would be her sister. She had always wanted a sister but mom and dad always said that since they got one of each the baby factory was closed. They always said that no matter how much Mob said that she wanted a sister. There was nothing stopping mom and dad from going to the baby factory, Mob had thought up until the age of ten that there was such a place, and getting a little sister for her and a little brother for Ritsu to keep it all even.
But they still said no.
But now Rei would be her sister! They could hang out all the time if she and Ritsu got married! Rei and Ritsu and her and Teru could all live in a house together with Tome and Inukawa, too, because they'd probably get married and also with Master Reigen and Serizawa and whatever kids they'd have and their kids would be best friends and it would all have been so wonderful…really, it should have been. Even if it was so weird that girls liked Ritsu and that Ritsu liked girls. He was so little, very little, even though he was only a year younger than her. Well Mob knew that she needed to stop being all weird about that because it was a good thing.
She was getting a sister!
Not that she wasn't grateful to have a little bother, she was, she just wanted a sister too. Little brothers were well and good but they were boys and boys were, well, boys. Not that she had anything against boys they just thought that different things were fun and hung out in different ways and stuff. That was all. She wasn't one of those 'boys are gross so no boys allowed' girls like there were back in elementary school. She had always been friends with Ritsu, they even used to be best friends, but then they went to middle school and she found new friends…and so did he.
Like Sho.
Who could, apparently, disappear so completely that she couldn't even see his aura.
"Sho, you scared us." Said Mob. Sho had decided, it seemed, that they best thing to do was to jump out and scare everyone while they were debating if people were even meant to eat cat food. Tome said yes, Mob said no, and Rei wanted to make sure that they weren't talking about some sort of lifeboat situation because she didn't want to back herself into a corner, she said.
"No he didn't. I knew he was there the entire time." Said Tome. She had only been pretending to be scared, that was all, because nobody pulled one over and her. There was nothing at all scary about invisible people jumping out right in front of you. Also could Mob turn invisible too!? Because that would open so many doors for them…
"H-Hi Sho…" said Rei. Ok. He was cute. He had red hair, actual red hair not from a bottle like hers, and his hair was so spiky…and it just grew like that. His hair was actually very soft…he had even let her touch it once…and he had so many freckles…and he was so funny….and Rei decided to get off of that train of thought. She was Ritsu's sort of perspective girlfriend possibly sometimes in the future possibly.
"Hey Ritsu's big sis, Ritsu's big sis' friend, and Ritsu's big sis' other friend." Said Sho as he rocked on his heels. They were nice people, he thought, even if he was kind of bad with their names. Usually he called them, in his head, Ritsu's big sis, Ritsu's big sis' loud friend, and Ritsu's big sis' friend with the learning disability which was totally ok because everyone was different and school was a load of shit anyway. Not that he would ever call them that to their faces, that wasn't good manners, and girls cared about that sort of thing a lot.
"Mob's little brother's friend." Said Tome crossing her arms. How did he still not know their names? Really.
"Ok, so there's an animal in trouble? Right Ritsu's big sis? Where? How? When? Why? What?...um…other question words!" said Sho. They could be all politely social later, right now there was an animal and it needed help and it was small and helpless and he was going to help it even if it killed him! Or bit him or scratched him or he had to get another rabies shot. They weren't so bad, he'd had so much worse before.
"There's a cat in the crawlspace under the house but we can't get it out. I didn't want to drag it out with my powers because that would have been mean to the cat and we don't want to crawl down there because it's gross." Said Mob. She didn't usually mind bugs and stuff but there were so many spider webs and centipedes and other things…and it was dark….and there had been a spider in her hair…ick. So much ick.
"Uh huh….hmm….did you guys try eating cat food?" asked Sho like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It really was. He had no problem climbing down into the crawlspace and getting the cat but they were girls and girls hated gross things. They were really worried about being clean and pretty and stuff. Sho didn't get it, what was the point of worrying so much about being clean when you were just going to get dirty again. Ritsu didn't get it either, he said, but then he went and said that one bath a week was not nearly enough. For him Sho tortured himself even though he hated baths and bathtubs and water…but he had his own reasons for that. He'd probably need a bath, or at least a rag bath, after this if he was going to hang out with Ritsu. He would have been pissed off if Sho showed up covered in dirt and stuff…and Sho did not want to ever do anything to piss him off. He was such a nice guy. Smart and stuff, too, and super patient and just a good…friend. They were friends. Best friends. That was all that they could be and Sho…he was ok with that.
"What?" asked Mob and Rei, Mob with much less feeling than Rei.
"Well I mean you guys have the cat food so…" said Sho. Rei and Mob stared at him while Tome nodded to herself.
"See? See? What did I say?" asked Tome
"But it's for cats…and it's gross…" said Rei
"Yes, it says cat food on the label, not people food." Said Mob. She tried to picture what a can of people food would even be. Not canned food just…cans of people chow like they had cans of cat chow. Even that seemed like it would have been gross.
"It won't make you sick, probably. It has all the stuff we eat just all ground into mush. It's kind of like baby food like that." Said Sho. Not that he made it a habit to eat pet food. He had tried hamster food before and it was pretty much like eating really crappy cereal. That was why he cooked a lot of his hamster's meals from scratch. They deserved the best!
"He can eat the cat food in that case. I mean if he's so ok with it." Said Mob. Rei nodded in agreement. Tome nodded too. She was amenable to this plan. Someone was eating cat food, that was the point. She didn't know why it was so funny, the absurdity of the situation probably, but it was truly the height of comedy.
"Well before I eat can after can of cat food until I smell enough like cat food for the cat to come to me I'll try and bring it out of the hole myself. If I die I want to be stuffed and put in a museum." Said Sho as he crawled into the crawlspace.
"Ok." Said Mob. She wasn't sure if he was serious or not but she would make sure that his last wished were honored.
"And if I get bitten take me to the hospital! Seriously, no matter how much I say I don't need to go take me! The rabies shot isn't that bad!" said Sho as he crawled through the dark. He felt something scratch him on the back. Oh. Right. The ceiling was the floor of the house above him and it was full of nails…
"Ok Sho, I will!" said Mob
"Be careful!" said Rei. He was so brave to go under there with all the bugs and spider and stuff…
"So, whatever happened to 'you're going to marry Mob's little brother?' or whatever." Said Tome. Rei blushed and shook her head so fast her hair whipped her in the face. There was a crash and some cursing from the crawlspace.
"I'm excited." Said Mob
"We can tell." Said Tome. She wondered why Mob talked like, well, Mob. She hardly ever had any inflection unless you got her really embarrassed.
"We're going to be sisters. I know we are. You're great and then Ritsu is going to see how great you are and then you and him are going to get married and then you and I can be sisters and we can all live in one big house with Tome and Inukawa and Master Reigen and Serizawa and our kids can be friends and it'll be great." Said Mob
"You…really thought this through…" said Rei. She had no idea if she was ready for all of that.
She hadn't even kissed Ritsu yet and Mob was already planning on their kids being friends?! Mob was older and older people wanted a lot of commitment like that. She and Teru were already planning their wedding, probably, or something like that. Tome and her boyfriend even already did stuff…well Rei was not a baby just because she was the youngest. She could commit. She would commit. She would do the most committing out of all of them combined!
"It's important to always think things through. Master Reigen says that." Said Mob. She heard some meowing, now, and hissing. That was bad. Those were angry cat noises. Poor little kitty…and poor Sho, too, because he was probably getting all scratched up down there…
"Guys? I've got the cat…" said Sho as he held a very angry cat in his arms. He didn't blame the poor thing. Well no matter, mom loved cats, and if she said no then he could keep the cat at Serizawa's apartment. Well, maybe, it would have been easier if it had just been the one cat…
"Ok, you can come back now." Said Mob. She hoped that he was ok but if not she could always try and heal him. She managed to do it after the big fight with Sho's dad…even though she could not remember at all what it was that she had even done…
"Sure, sure, sure….but what am I supposed to do with all of these kittens?" asked Sho. The world went very still for a moment. Rei and Tome took a step away from Mob as her hair began to float and her aura became visible.
"Kittens?" said Mob softly. There was a look in her eyes, and an inflection in her tone, that worried both Rei and Tome. Tome took back what she thought. Monotone Mob was just fine by her.
"Yeah, there's a bunch of kitten down here. I can try and find homes for them but I'm not even sure if they can be away from their mom so-" said Sho
"I'll take them. I know just what to do." Said Mob. Rei and Tome looked at each other and then at Mob. Well that was new. Mob had never looked so…determined…before.
Mob was determined. She didn't care if mom said no pets. These were kittens that needed a home and she would find a way to give them one. This had been such a great job. Not only were they not going to get in trouble but they also had kittens!