She once again dreamt of that little crow and that dark forest.
Compared to before, she wasn't lying down this time around. She was sitting directly in front of the bird without saying a single word. And as it stared back at her with its dark and hallow eyes, she was strangely reminded of a certain someone.
It was as if the little animal was challenging her. To what exactly? She doesn't know. Yet there was something about that little eyes of his that's telling her to open her mouth and say something.
The forest was still dark, it was still cold and lonely. Despite of that, something has definitely changed. Underneath that little crow's-feet the grass was bright green and full of life. It was the direct contrast of the forest they're in and in a sense, a direct contrast of her and that short boy who was nothing but bright and fiery.
"Please disappear." Were the words that she wanted to say. Yet, it was also these words that she never did say.
No matter how much she wanted to. How much risk she was willing to take just for her to be able to, no words came out of her mouth. It was almost as if her body itself refused to tell that little crow to get lost and never show its face to her ever again.
"...you," she was finally able to utter a word, albeit not without any difficulty. "...why won't you disappear?" It was nothing but a whisper. Just a soft breeze leaving her mouth with no one to hear but her little companion.
The crow did not respond.
The dark forest was quiet as how it has always been. There was no wind, the leaves on the trees were on a standstill. This place was as lifeless as the heart she'd long since buried. People like her don't need a heart, she was sure of it. That was the only way she could truly love her everyday monotony. A heart makes a person crave for more things in life and with that want comes the need for a change, the only thing she never want to happen.
At least that's what she thought.
"...I don't want to change." The girl continued. "What's so wrong with wanting to stay the way I am?"
The little crow finally moved, with each step it took it painted the dull grass-green. "There's none." It finally spoke. The voice highly reminiscent of that boy with a spirit far too big for his own good.
"Tell me, is it really change that you're scared of?" It asked. "Or it is something else?"
"You..." it paused. "... what is it that you're actually running away from?"
She woke up a minute shy away from the alarm she had set the night before. The digital clock glared 5:45 in the morning, five minutes before the time she's supposed to wake up. She sighed heavily and the memory of her dream comes back rushing in. The girl tried not to think of the question the little animal asked her. It wasn't like she thought of it as irrelevant, far from it. She knows the answer to that question. She always had. And for the longest time she forced herself not to think about it.
The girl lied there until her alarm finally rang; a loud reminder of why she had to wake up so early that morning. She heaved a deep breath before finally getting off her bed. She wasn't going to let some bizarre dream affect her because that was all it was; a dream.
She took a quick shower and changed into her school uniform before finally knocking on her Mother's room. "It's morning," the girl said as she opened the door and approach the big lump of blanket on top of her bed. It stirred for a bit but didn't make any more movements after that. Sighing, she placed her hand on top of it and shake it, earning a whine of sort from the woman beneath it. "You need to be in Tokyo this afternoon, right? You have to wake up or you'll be late."
"...five more minutes, please?" She could almost hear the pout in her voice.
Rolling her eyes, she shakes the woman even more. "If you sleep more now you'll be caught in traffic and you will be late. Then you will have to call me crying 'cause grandma scolded you."
That seemed to work because shortly after her Mother's face peeked from her blanket. "So mean," she said pouting. The girl's only response was to snort and motions her head to the door.
"You'll thank me later," she said. "Come on. I'll prepare your lunchbox." The girl added with a smile. She didn't wait for the older woman's response and went straight to the kitchen.
The roles were reversed on normal days, with her being on the bargaining side asking for more minutes of sleep, but that day her mother had business to attended to back in Tokyo where most of their relatives are still living. In a sense, said business also had something to do with her. She was still part of that family no matter how much she had detached herself from it. Years of dry responses and mostly ignored messages wouldn't change how she was still related to those people.
"What is it that you're actually running away from?" The question once again invaded her mind and she tried her best to push it back. She don't want to think about it especially when the sun has barely risen.
So, after connecting her phone to the Bluetooth speaker in the living room and playing something from her favorite artist, she started to prepare her Mother's lunchbox. It was unnecessary if she was being honest. Knowing her grandmother, she will most definitely prepare a lunch for her beloved daughter-in-law befitting of a queen. Yet the woman has a strange fondness for all the mediocre tasting food she makes and always asks her to prepare her a lunchbox every time she needed to leave for Tokyo. It didn't make sense because the woman was definitely the better cook but she'd long since gotten used to her antics and don't question her motives anymore.
The quiet sound of a ballad song mingled with the sound of her whisking the egg for a sweet egg roll filled the house. Outside, the birds had started to sing their early morning song and it was easy to note how their neighbors had begun with their own version of morning routine. Aside from the two elderly, they were never the quiet bunch.
She almost smiled when the woman of the house screamed at her children to get up until a single unusual sound destroyed her peaceful morning. A crow cawed loudly, seemingly from afar and there was a part of her that wondered how she was even able to hear it. The girl stilled at the sound. Her mind was once again invaded by that dream. She hated how it have such a strong impact on her.
How her heart clenched painfully with the memories she'd long since decided to forget. How was it that stupid dream and that stupid crow was able to dig it from where she had buried it? What was the point of it all? What was the point of remembering that person's smile or that place when it was just going to evoke such painful feelings inside of her? She was doing fine without them, wasn't she? She was moving on. She was healing, she was sure she was. And yet, for it to resurface in this way, how was she supposed to interpret it?
The girl closed her eyes and took multiple deep breaths. The burning underneath her eyelids was threatening to burst and she needs to resolve it before her mother sees it. The last thing she wanted to do was to make her worry.
But maybe it was too late for that.
"Something is burning!" Screamed the woman while she ran downstairs. That woke the girl up from her stupor and cringes upon seeing the blackened egg in the pan. She hurriedly turned the stove off just as the woman missed a step and lands face down. Her loud whine was enough for her to rush to where the older woman had stumbled down.
"I told you not to run inside the house." She scolded to which the woman answered her with pout and tear-stained cheeks. That sight alone made guilt eat the girl up knowing that she was also a part of this. She noted how she seemed to have haphazardly thrown her clothes which made the girl even more guilty.
"But I smelled something burning!" The woman reasoned out. This made her sigh and throw an apologetic smile toward her.
"I'm sorry. It was the eggs." she said. "I was just spacing out. I guess I'm still a little sleepy." The lie easily escaped her mouth along a reassuring smile to make it believable. Her mother stared at her face for moment, possibly searching for a sign that would give way to her lie, but when she found none, the woman beamed at her and ruffled her hair.
Her mother giggled. "I'm sorry you had to wake up so early for me. I promise to make it up to you." The woman continued before allowing herself to be picked up from the ground by her daughter. She immediately pulls the younger into a warm tight hug. It made the girl wonder if she saw through her façade, but her mother didn't say anything and allowed herself to melt into her embrace; her scent calming the storm that had brewed within her.
She was alright. She was going to be fine. She was not going to let any dream affect her anymore. She was sure of it.
Studies has shown that a prey would go to hiding if it's being threatened by a predator. Maybe it was too much of a stretch to compare her situation with Nishinoya to that of a predator and prey dynamic, but that was the first thing that came to mind. Although she did noticed some changes but more so on her friends' part.
Ever since that "argument", if you could even call it that, Seiko and Kaito seemed to always be on the edge. It was pretty obvious how they would always divert the conversation to something else when it would lean-to anything sports related. If Nishinoya noticed it, he didn't show. Her on the other hand couldn't take it anymore. It was hard to eat her lunch when people were making it obvious that they feel like they're walking on eggshells around her.
So, she took it upon herself to fix the problem.
No, she didn't face her friends. She didn't think it was that much of a deal that would call for a confrontation. The girl did what she do best, that was to avoid and run away from her problem.
A quick lie of "I didn't bring my lunch so I'll just buy bread from the cafeteria," was thrown when the bell rings then she would disappear for the rest of the break. When asked where she'd been she'd just smile at them and spit another lie. Whether they believe her or not, it doesn't matter to her anymore. Maybe in this way Nishinoya would finally get the message and leave. At the back of her mind, she wondered if they'll eventually grow tired of it.
Maybe, she should slowly detach herself from them so it wouldn't hurt as much when that day finally comes.
Then the girl realized how horrible it was for her to think that way. It was almost an instant reaction and she felt guilty assuming they will eventually leave her, especially Seiko who was the very first friend she made after moving here. In her mind, her words of "I'm really the worse," rang loudly. But that's the problem, wasn't it? She acknowledged that yet wouldn't do anything about it.
"What are you actually running away from?"
A lot of things, the girl thought as she went out to find a place to hide. Somewhere where she could find a manifestation of her bricked wall and shade herself from Nishinoya Yū's colors.
She purposely avoided places that were too obvious like the rooftop (she was also sure that students are not allowed to stay there), or the cafeteria where they would likely to search first.
No, it needed to be hidden but accessible to a normal student like her. She eventually found it nearly an hour after classes were over. It was on the back of the farthest building from hers that she finally found the embodiment of her wall. The first thing that she noted were the broken chairs that were stacked on each other, building dust as they go on completely forgotten by those that threw them in this place. They were from the old demolished building from last year, she realized. She always wondered what happened to the rest of the furniture inside, guess she had her answer. The girl found a single chair that was still in an okay condition to sit on, albeit with one crooked leg that made it lean a little to left.
And so she found a place to hide, like a little prey who was afraid of getting eaten by a predator, and away from the friends she know she'd disappointed.
Their questions didn't stopped until the fourth day when she thinks they finally understood what was happening. She wasn't proud of her actions but ever since Nishinoya came, her life had been in a complete mess. Maybe it was weird and unfair to blame the sudden resurgence of buried memories on him but she was so lost that it was the only thing she could do. Deep down inside she knows she was just looking for someone to blame.
But there was a mysterious force of nature that told her that she wouldn't be able to runaway forever.
That force manifested itself during the fifth day when she was sitting on that broken chair and staring at the blue sky cloudless sky. Her half drank strawberry milk lied in between her palms. Said palms twitched when she heard the incoming footsteps. To her distaste, the person she wanted to see the least was making his way toward her.
"I've never said it before but you're really like a cat." Nishinoya started with that grin of his. The reply he got was a hard glare with a hint of confusion, as if asking him what the hell he was talking about. "Oh, didn't you know? Cats like to hide in places where no one could see them." The statement alone made her cheeks reddened before she glared even harder.
"If I'm a cat then what does that make you?" She spat. "Oh, don't answer that. I know a stalker when I see one." The girl huff before bringing the straw of her drink to her lips.
There was something satisfying when Nishinoya turned beet red, started sputtering, and pointed at her with accusatory finger. "I'm not a stalker!" He exclaimed. "Just so you know it was Usui who followed you and told me where you've been hiding!"
That made the girl stop on her action.
Of course, she thought. There was no way that she could find a place where no one were to find her.
When was she followed? Was it yesterday? Or was it the day after she found this dumpster? She wanted to laugh at her naïvety. She was so sure that none of her friends know about this place. Oh, how stupid she must've looked.
Upon not getting any response from the girl, Nishinoya let out a drawn out sigh and stuffed his hands in his pant's pocket. She could feel his eyes on her and she resisted the urge to look up and return his stare in fear that he'll see through her that very moment.
She never liked to be seen in her most vulnerable state.
Above them a jet plane roared and cut through the silence that had enveloped the two teenagers. It left a white line in its trail, like a blade slicing through the cloudless sky which was the exact opposite of her heart that was in a constant state of unending storm and skies full of dark grey clouds.
"Look," the boy finally spoke when the silence became unbearable. Nishinoya was shifting his weight from one foot to another, looking quite uncertain. This surprised the girl because from what she'd seen so far, he was always the definition of confidence. He was always speaking whatever it was on his mind and the way he was hesitating was a bit uncharacteristic. "Ah, fine! I'm just gonna say it!" He screamed.
"I know you don't like me, okay?" Nishinoya said. "You made it really obvious. I've thought about it but I still can't think of a reason. I know I haven't done anything because I would've own up to it at this point," he paused and rubbed the back of his neck. "When I opened up about this to the rest of my teammates, they told me it's because I'm annoying! Can you believe that?!"
She couldn't even stop the laugh that escaped her mouth. The girl quickly tried to hide it by covering half of her face with her hand and looking away, but the boy had already seen it. That made a small smile break into Nishinoya's face before he turned serious again.
"So I want to know why?" He finally asked. "Why do you hate me so much that you would go this far?"
Hate? No, hate was such a strong word. It wasn't exactly what she would use to describe what she truly felt toward the boy. It wasn't to that extent. "I don't hate you," she admitted after a long pause. "It's just... I," you're not the problem here. Was what the girl wanted to say but lacked the courage to say so. Nishinoya was never the problem, it was always her.
"I see..." the boy said and didn't even masked how relieved he felt. Nishinoya Yū was like an open book. He don't have anything to hide, he doesn't run away from anything and faces all his demons head on. She wondered how that felt like; to have so much courage within you. "But you still have a problem with me, don't you? If you don't hate me then what is it?" The boy continued and wore this serious expression she'd never seen on him from the short time they'd known each other.
There was no way she could be honest with him, she knows this. If she admits that being around him makes her think that her walls was gonna crumble down, that she's going to lose her slow and monotonous life, she's just going to embarrass herself more than she already does.
So, she instead decided to answer his questions with a question. "What about you?" She asked. "If you know I have a problem with you then why do you still hang around and talk to me like we're friends?"
That seemed to caught him off guard. A late spring breeze goes pass them and ruffled the blonde tuff on his head as he appeared to think deeply of the question. The minute it took for him to figure his answer felt like an eternity where there's only the two of them that didn't aged.
Nishinoya started off with a deep sigh before speaking. "I don't know," he admitted which surprised her. "There's just something about you that I couldn't leave alone." The boy shrugged and diverted his eyes away from her face. "I know you didn't believe me when I told you that I dreamed about you, but trust me when I say I did."
"I was eight back then," he continued before she could refute him. The mention of his age made her close her mouth and her eyes widened, but Nishinoya didn't see how much it surprised her. "There was this house and I saw you sleeping on the window in the second floor. I tried getting to you but a wall was in between us, and no matter how much I climbed it, it kept getting higher and higher, and I..." He paused and he seemed to want to say more.
In the end, he doesn't add anything to it.
"It's probably the reason," that part was more of a murmur as he rubbed his neck. "But seeing you go this far just to avoid me doesn't make me feel good." The boy finally admitted. "It's different from how Kiyoko-san does it because somehow I could tell that she doesn't find me that much of a nuisance... but with you, well, you made your feelings very clear."
"So if you want me to leave I'll do just that," Nishinoya finally meets her gaze and she nearly melted with the intensity of it. "But I will try one last time."
"The Inter High Preliminaries will start two weeks from now." He informed. "Kaito already knows the schedule and told me he'll be there to support us. Usui and Seiko-chan too. We're going to be facing Tokonami first and if we win against them, then we'll go up against Date Tech."
Ah, there was that unwavering confidence again.
"And I know you have no confidence with us winning but I want to prove you wrong," Nishinoya said, determination flashing in his eyes. "So I have one request for you. Come to our game. It don't have to be during our match with Tokonami, but I wish I'd see you there when we're finally facing off Date Tech."
The girl kept silent.
"If I don't see you then I'll stop. I will not approach you anymore in the hallways. I will never bother you again," he pointed to himself then to her. "You and I can go back to being strangers like we used to." Just a couple of familiar faces that will fade through time.
"But If I do see you in the gymnasium cheering for us, cheering for me, then I will take that as a symbol of you accepting me." Nishinoya once again grinned, a little dust of red painting his cheeks. "Oh, and you will not be seeing me until then. I'll stay as far away until the day of the preliminaries come! You can have my word with this. So, how about it?" The boy asked and stuffed his hands back to his pockets.
Swallowing the lump that formed in her throat, she spoke. "You're just wasting your time on me, do you know that?"
"Perhaps," he replied. "But I think you're going to be worth it. And besides," he paused and looked behind his shoulder. It was then she finally noticed the collection of head discreetly listening to their conversation. The three quickly tried hide but Seiko's yelp pretty much gave them away. "I'm not only doing this for myself."
Ah, so that's it. She thought.
The words "you really are kind, Nishinoya." were spoken as not more than a whisper before she looked away. "I'm not going to be there so don't raise your hopes up." The girl said loudly this time but still she refused to look at him in the eyes.
She heard him hum and she didn't need to look to know he have that grin on his face. "Bet," was the only thing he says before the sound of footsteps walking away was heard. The sound of her friends scrambling away came into her attention and she finally looked toward their direction.
The girl saw the ends of Usui's red hair disappear behind the building wall, presumably following Nishinoya and she assumed Kaito did the same. But there was a single person who stood there and looked back at her.
Seiko was standing there looking unsure. She was clasping and unclasping her hand and looking anywhere but toward her. The girl knows what these actions meant, of course. Her friend does this every time she's worried or was hesitant to say what's on her mind. Eventually, Seiko dropped her hands to the side and flashed her a really sad smile.
"I'll see you later, alright?" The girl said and turned her back to leave, not even waiting for a response.
And then, the girl was finally alone. This was supposed to be the time where she feels something in her has been lifted. She always find her inner peace when nobody was bothering her, when she was alone without any distractions. Yet that inner peace was nowhere to be found.
All there was, was this heavy feeling that weighted her down.
I'm so sorry for not updating for nearly two months asdfhgshkjfhwekjhfjk