It had been three days since the occurrence in the potions classroom and two days since I arrived home. It was Christmas Eve though I didn't feel much like celebrating. My Nan would arrive any moment, we would all go to church and after that come home for supper. Christmas was always my favorite holiday but this year I felt no cheer.
I sat alone in my room the trunk I brought home cast aside on the floor untouched since I put it there. I still wore the same clothes I wore the day I took the Knight bus to Surrey instead of the train back to London. I forgot to give Susan her present before break. I came back late from crying in the abandoned girl's bathroom on the first-floor. Even Myrtle was annoyed with my crying and slipped down her drainpipe to get away from me.
The door chime sounded twice. Nan was here. I heard the joyful wails from my brothers as she handed them a gift each to open before we left, like she always did. I stayed seated in my bed and traced the patterns on my quilt with my finger.
There were two light taps on my door before it opened and Nan entered. "Hello, Ruby Tuesday." She greeted before sitting on the side of my bed. "Your mother tells me you haven't left your room since you came home. Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm fine, Nan." I lied.
"Oh don't give me that." She scolded. "What's wrong?"
I shrugged. How could I even begin to tell her what was going on. Thinking over mine and Severus's relationship it didn't seem very professor-student-like. How could I tell her that he was one of the wizards going around killing muggles and muggle-supporters?
"Your parents told me that this was a big year for you with a big test." She said. "Are you nervous for that?"
"I suppose I am." I allowed.
"So that's not what has you so down?"
I shook my head and took a deep breath. "There's this…guy at school. I was starting to think that he was good. He had some moments where he was rude or even mean but I convinced myself it was a protection mechanism he used because he seems to have a rather…horrible past. I really wanted him to be good but on Monday night…I found out there is no way he can be good."
"What happened?" My Nan asked calmly.
"I saw something I shouldn't have." I told her. I wanted to be as vague as I could. "It's a sort of a symbol a group of horrible people have etched into their skin. He had one."
Nan nodded her head. "How did you see this?"
"He and I were practicing Defense Against the Dark Arts because it's something I'm horrible at and something he's really great at and I hit him with a spell that ripped open his sleeve and I wanted to make sure he wasn't hurt. He put up such a fight to me looking at his arm, he even raised his voice to me which he hasn't done in a long time. I tricked him by pretending to give up but I grabbed his arm and there it was, the…mark. And now I'm not sure how to avoid him because he's…in a class I have every day."
"It sounds like you've decided you're finished with him so what is making you stay up here?"
"I don't know. I'm just so disappointed that he turned out to be exactly what everyone said he was. I was so sure he wasn't bad…just misunderstood."
"Well it certainly sounds like he didn't want you to see what you saw." She reasoned. "Maybe he's changed and he doesn't think the same way anymore."
I shook my head. "I don't think he's old enough to have changed that much."
"What does age have to do with changing? When I first met your grandfather he was a completely different man than the one I married. I didn't like him one bit. He was rude, vulgar, and childish. But then he went to war and the events he saw changed him and when he arrived back he approached me at a party and apologized for his actions before. We talked all that night and six months later we were married and a year after that your mother was born. Sometimes all it takes is an event to change someone or even them deciding they want to change. Age has no bearing on someone's ability to change."
"Well what he's done is much worse than being rude."
"What has he done?" Nan asked.
I contemplated what I actually knew. "Well I don't know specifically what he's done but the mark…"
"Do members of this…club get the mark after they have done something or is it a mark they get to show they identify with that group but haven't necessarily done anything?"
"I think they just get one when they join." I answered thoughtfully.
"So there is no evidence that he has done anything you think he has because of something he might not even be a part of anymore?"
Nan's reasonableness was sending my thoughts into circles and I wasn't sure what I thought anymore. I put my head in my hands. "Why can't you accept that he's bad and just let it be?"
"Because Ruby, I have a hard time believing you would invest in someone who was bad. You have the uncanny ability to see what no one else sees in people and if you thought he was good then he must be. Ignore what you think you know based on something you saw and pay attention to what you knew to be true."
I laid back on my bed and covered my face with a pillow.
"Do you feel better?" Nan asked.
I shook my head dramatically so she could understand with my head not visible.
"Good." She said and I sat up to look at her. "That's what church is for. Now go wash up, you're smelly."
She stood up from my bed and exited my room. I could hear her giggling to herself as she started down the stairs.
I took a quick shower and used magic to dry my hair. I put on a dress my mother bought for me with black tights. I raced downstairs nearly slipping down the steps with my stocking feet. My parents and Nan watched me as I came down the stairs into the parlor. My brothers sat next to a ball of wrapping paper as the played with a new Raving Bonkers fighting robots game from Nan.
"Coats and shoes." Nan announced as I reached the last step.
My brothers pressed the buttons on their toy until the red robot's head popped up. Louis pumped his fists in the air at his victory. Sean pushed him over and ran to get his coat. Louis attempted his retaliation but my father seized him by the collar and handed him his jacket.
My brothers loaded into the car with my parents and I was chosen special by Nan to ride with her since there wasn't room for all six of us.
She started her car and followed my parents down the drive.
We rode in silence for a bit before Nan asked, "What is this boy's name? The one causing you distress."
"His name?" I questioned surprised by her interest.
"Of course." She said. "He does have a name, doesn't he?"
"Well, yes…" I said "But you'll laugh at it. It's not a name you hear very often…or ever."
"What is it?" She asked obviously curious.
"It's Severus." Speaking his name out loud to anyone but him sent a jolt from the bottom of my spine to my throat.
"Severus." She repeated. "That is a strange name. Do…wizards often have strange names?"
"Some do." I said before changing the subject for the remainder of the drive to church.
After church we loaded back into the cars and went back home. Nan didn't bring up Severus again and I was thankful for that.
As soon as we finished dinner my brothers rushed back into the parlor to play with their game again. I helped my mother with the dishes as Nan made a pot of tea and my dad lit a fire in the fireplace. When all the dishes were finished my Nan carried the tea service into the parlor and we sat on the sofas and chairs, my brothers still consumed in their game.
Nan walked over to the tree and took a present out from underneath it and placed it on the coffee table in front of me.
"That's your gift to open tonight." She told me.
She took a seat in the chair across the room and watched me intently. I picked up the small parcel and tore the layer of wrapping paper off and opened the small box to find my Nan's brass and rose cameo necklace. I ran my finger over the raised cream colored profile of a woman's face over a rose pink background. It had always been my favorite of all her jewelry. I set the box and necklace down on the table and gave my Nan a hug and thanked her for the present.
"I thought you needed the pick-me-up tonight." She said.
"Why's that?" My mother asked.
Nan looked at me and then to my mother. "It's nothing you need to worry about. She's just a little sad about something. But we've gotten that taken care of haven't we?"
I nodded my head.
The rest of family time on Christmas Eve took the form of a Raving Bonkers championship tournament. My dad took the title though I maintained that Sean and Louis tackling me in the last minute of fight time should have warranted a do-over.
Nan announced bedtime and Louis and Sean trampled over each other to see who could make it up the stairs first. I shook my head at their wrestling forms on the steps and tried my hand at taking as step over them. Sean grabbed my ankle and I went face first on the top step. I couldn't find it in myself to be mad at them. I missed them so much when I was in school. I army crawled the rest of the way and waved to them victorious from the top. They stared at me before leaping to their feet. I ran as fast as I could to my room and shut the door. I heard two thumps on the other side of the door and I couldn't help but laugh. I heard my mum and dad ushering them off to their room. For the first time since I arrived home I was smiling.
I turned over in my bed and blinked my eyes into focus as the clock turned to 5:27. I rolled over and fell back asleep. I turned over again just as the clock changed to 5:30. I sat up unable to sleep anymore. I looked through my darkened room and listened to the complete silence of the house. I pulled the covers off and shivered at the cold on my feet. I changed into a pair of jeans and a sweater and put on a pair of thick wool socks. I reached into my trunk and pulled out presents and a black drawstring bag.
I tip-toed down stairs and laid the presents under the tree and crept back upstairs. I carefully pushed open the door to my brothers' room. I took a moment to appreciate being in a room with the two of them and having it be so quiet. I withdrew my wand and cast an ear flicking charm on both of them. They bolted upright in their beds grasping the affected ear. They looked around and when I could tell they were looking at me I help up the black bag.
"Who wants to race frogs?" I asked.
They both let out excited wails. I put my finger to my lips.
"You have to be quiet." I whispered. "Get dressed warmly and meet me downstairs."
They met me downstairs in no time and we put on hats, coats, gloves, boots, and scarves before going out in the early morning cold. I found a clean untouched patch of snow and drew a line in the snow with my finger and another line some odd feet away. I kneeled behind the first line and was joined by Sean and Louis. I handed them each a box containing a chocolate frog.
"I'm happy you're not sad anymore, Ruby." Sean said.
"Shut up!" Louis yelled.
"What makes you think I was sad?" I asked.
"We heard you talking to Nan." Sean said to the protest of Louis.
"How did you hear us?" I questioned.
Louis decided their cover had been blown. "Do you remember those spy ears you charmed to be really strong?"
I sighed. "Those weren't meant to be used to spy on me!"
"We wanted to know why you didn't want to see us." Sean explained. "We're sorry."
"Aww, it's okay." I told him.
"What did that guy do to make you angry anyways?" Louis asked.
"It's not important." I said.
"Did he steal your chips?" Sean asked.
"Or put toads in your pockets?" Louis added.
"Or throw worms in your hair?" Sean yelled.
"No, he wasn't mean to me." I said.
"Then why are you sad?" Sean asked.
I looked down at my chocolate frog box. I really didn't want to talk anymore about this. Especially not to ten and twelve year old boys.
"One, two, three, release!" I said almost as one word as I ripped open my box and my frog went jumping down the snowy track.
"Hey!" Louis yelled as he chased after the frog and pounced on it. He stood up with the frog squirming in his hand and bit its head off. "That's cheating!"
He walked back over and broke one of the frog's legs off and handed it to Sean who gobbled it up.
I grabbed another box and waited for Louis to finish eating the candy but the previous conversation seemed to be forgotten.
We were able to have three races with the remaining frogs. The sky was starting to lighten as Louis attempted to tackle one of the last frogs but it was able to hop under Nan's car and was unreachable. We added that to our total of two lost frogs of the day.
Sean begged to build a snow man so I obliged. My fingers and toes were frozen by the time we entered the house. The clock on the wall read 7:19. I could hear movement upstairs. Just as I was removing my boots Nan came walking down the stairs in her traditional red Christmas sweater.
"Your cheeks are redder than your hair, Ruby." Nan made that observation every time I came in from the cold since I was little but it never reached the annoying point coming from her.
She looked from me to my brothers. "I see you've already spoiled your breakfast, Sean." She smiled.
I looked at Sean to see a ring of chocolate surrounding his mouth. I looked at Louis and he had a chunk of frog in his hair. I laughed at the twitching leg.
"You both need to bathe." I told them.
They both let out groans of dismay but marched up the stairs.
After the water started running my mum and dad made their way downstairs.
"What are your brothers doing up and bathing already?" My mum asked me.
"Frog races." I said and walked into the kitchen.
She made a disgusted shiver. Ever since the first time I brought a box for each of my brothers my first Christmas home from Hogwarts the thought of moving chocolate frogs made her ill.
I rummaged through the fridge for everything to make a full English breakfast. We had a good start on breakfast by the time Sean and Louis came back down stairs both smelling heavily of dad's cologne.
"What have I told you about using my things?" Dad asked after got a big whiff of the two.
"But it's Christmas." Louis said as if that made any difference.
"When are we going to open presents?" Sean asked.
"When have we ever opened presents before breakfast?" Mum asked.
"This year?" Louis asked hopefully.
"Go sit down." Mum groaned.
I could hear the continuous groans coming from the next room.
"Do you two want a present?" I asked when I walked into the room with my hands on my hips.
"Yes!" They both shouted and stood up from the sofa.
"Alright." I said and walked to the tree and picked up one of the gifts from me. "Open this one."
Louis and Sean tore at the wrappings of the small package and threw the lid only to stare up at me with unimpressed expressions?
"Gloves?" Louis asked. "You expect us to play with gloves?"
"But look!" I pointed. "They have snakes on them!"
"You've lost your gifting touch, sister." He said shaking his head.
I seized one of the gloves and thrust it on his free hand.
"Why is it wet?" Louis asked followed by a surprised yelp. He looked down at his hand and gave another gasp of pain before ripping the glove off. He studied his hand and then the glove. Slowly a grin of comprehension spread across his face. He told Sean to put the other glove on.
"Ow!" Sean yelled. "It's biting me!"
"It's just a charm." I said. "It's not really biting you."
They each put on a glove and began seeing who could keep it on the longest. The house filled with yelps and screams.
"Put your coats on and go outside and do that." I instructed. "I'll come get you when breakfast is ready."
They grabbed their jackets and ran out the door. Thankfully we didn't have neighbors nearby.
"Why do you encourage them?" Mum asked.
I shrugged.
Before long breakfast was ready and I went outside to get my brothers. It sounded as though snake bite competition had turned into who could yell the loudest.
Finally we were all seated around the table. My mother stared at the bright red hands of my brothers and looked daggers at me for the gloves. I had to remember to tell her they weren't really harmful.
Louis and Sean raced from the table to the tree before anyone could even suggest doing dishes and began rifling through the parcels and tearing open every one they saw addressed to them.
Everyone loved their presents from me. Though Sean and Louis weren't too thrilled about the Sneakoscope I gave to mum. It started going off when they began plotting ways on how to break it.
The rest of break flew by and it was already time to catch the bus back to Hogwarts. In another blink of an eye it was Monday morning.
I was dreading potions so it came that much quicker. I waved goodbye to Susan who hadn't put down the book I got her since I gave it to her yesterday.
Throughout the class I only heard every third word Severus said. I was concentrating on not looking at him that I forgot to listen. I kept thinking about what I knew was on his left arm. My stomach bubbled.
Finally, class was over. I jumped up and packed away my things.
"Miss Winston, don't go anywhere." Severus said. I froze and my bag fell back on the table.
The Slytherins all snickered at me and the trouble they thought I was in, everyone else passed without looking at me as if what I was in trouble for were contagious.
After the last student left and shut the door I stood next to my chair and fiddled with my fingers to avoid looking at him.
"Ruby, come here." He said. I disobeyed his orders as long as I could but ultimately decided it was useless.
I walked to the front of the room and stood some feet in front of him still refusing to look up at him. I wasn't sure what he wanted but I was nervous.
"Please." He begged softly. I wasn't sure I had ever heard him use that word before and I knew I'd never heard him speak in that tone. "Please, Ruby, just listen to me."
I kept my eyes locked on my feet.
"What you saw is the remnant of a mistake." He started. "I was given the illusion of acceptance but I learned better. I was more of a spy I never personally did anything like…kill."
My heart jumped at that word and I swallowed hard.
"I…I'm the reason for what happened to Lily." He said and it was hard for me to not look at him. "I heard the prophecy and I reported back like I thought I should…had I known that he would think it was her son I never would have. I came to Dumbledore for help, he was always kind to me but he said there wasn't much he could do and now I have to live with the knowledge that I'm the reason she's dead. All because of this."
He put his arm with the sleeve rolled up so I could see the mark in my line of vision. I quickly looked away and up to the ceiling.
"The best I could hope for is that someday I will be able to use it to help instead of harm."
I kept my eyes up. I found it helped to keep the tears down.
"Ruby, please forgive me." He begged. "Don't make me pay for the same mistake twice. You said you could never just leave someone you considered a friend, you said that."
The feeling of arms being wrapped around my torso made me snap my head down to look. Severus was on his knees in front of me hugging my waist, tears pooling in his eyes.
He looked completely pathetic and it broke my heart. Seconds ago I wanted nothing more than to leave him there by himself. It was impossible to deny it; I was in love with Severus Snape.