Chapter 35

Chloe's POV

Taking a deep breath, I inhale the sweet smell of honeysuckle and flowers wafting through the air. The wind softly blows, just enough to create a small chill but I don't mind. With the wind blows a soft, cool mist from the waterfall, making the roaring sound even louder. At the moment, my mind and heart are calm.

Hello little one. Gasping, my eyes fly open and I spot the silver wolf watching me.

"You're alive?" I cry out and wrap my arms around her neck, sobbing in relief. "But Beca's dead?"

Yes, the wolf whines. I cannot sense her any more. I am only here because a part of her still lives on. I'm a part of your consciousness and nothing more.

The wolf walks away and sits at the edge of the water, staring down at its reflection. A somber mood settles over us making the wind suddenly seem brutal and the smell not as sweet.

"How could this happen? Once second she was there and the next gone. I lost her once already and now this time it's for good."

I don't know.

"What's it like? Having a part of you gone? For me, it's like this giant empty hole in my heart, a weight in my stomach. It's hard to breathe, so hard to even move without her."

For me, the wolf starts, her sharp eyes staring out at the water, dulled with pain, it's like half of me has been stripped away. We could always feel each other. A sort of buzzing that comforted us when we started to feel lonely. When she was shifted, we were one. Together, with no worries.

"And now?"

Now, I know I will never be whole again, never walk the earth. I feel… muffled. Trapped and lonely. While we're together in this dream state, I feel my pain along with yours.

"I'm sorry," I look down, ashamed. "I wish this could be different. I keep expecting her to sneak through a window and crawl into bed with me, like she used too. I stay up for hours, praying and hoping that this is all just one big nightmare. My window stays open now and it brings the cold in making me feel on the outside what I do inside."

The wolf nods and sets her head in my lap. My fingers run through her fur as we sit in silence, grieving together. Will we ever be happy again? Or will we feel like this all the time? Hurt and broken. At least, I'm not alone. I have Beca's wolf who knows what I feel. We both lost a part of ourselves, a major part and maybe together, we can fix it. Heal.

"Will you stay with me this time?" I ask in a voice so childlike it can't possibly be mine.

Where else can I go? In almost perfect harmony, two hearts break and our cries are joined together.

Groaning, I reluctantly open my eyes. I had wished I could go to sleep and forget about my loss just for a little while, but no such luck. At least I can be there for Beca's wolf and she can be there for me. It's only been a few days since I heard the news and the pain of it is still fresh. I've been over at my moms every day, sleeping on her couch making up for the lack I didn't get at night in my apartment. It just feels so empty and cold without Beca, making it impossible to sleep.

"Hey baby," my mom softly whispers. I glance over to find her in a recliner with a book in her lap. The book is closed and I'm not sure if she ever opened it.

"Hey mommy," my voice is once again small and childlike, but I don't care. Holding out her arms, my mom sits back in the recliner and I go over to her. Folding my legs under me and my head under my mom's chin, her arms wrap around me, surrounding me in comfort.

"I'm so sorry," her voice is thick with tears and I struggle to hold back my own. "I never wanted you to go through what I did with your dad. It's even worse for you though since you guys were literal soul mates."

"You and dad were soulmates where it counts mom," I whisper, not being able to talk much louder.

"Thanks baby. I love you." She kisses my hair, wrapping her arms around me even tighter.

"I love you too." For a while, we softly rock in the chair, our hearts beating the same broken rhythm. Hers for me and mine for the girl I lost.

"Your grandma is on her way," my mom breaks the silence.

"Why?"

"Chloe, she loved that girl too. They were close. We're all here for you and to grieve for the girl we all lost. We gave you a few days before crowding you with people, but now it's time to come together in this time of grievance."

"I know," I sigh. "I just don't really want to be around a bunch of people right now. All I feel like doing is curling up in bed and sleeping. At least there I can be with her."

"Oh honey." My mom sobs and strokes my hair. "I know it seems like sleeping is better than being awake in the reality where she's gone, but she wouldn't want that for you. I know it's too soon to start thinking about moving on, but you will eventually. If it would make it easier, you can move in with me for a little while. It breaks my heart thinking of you alone in that apartment, not being able to sleep."

"Maybe," I go silent, thinking about what she said. I know that I'll have to go back to college and start my life again, but without Beca, it seems impossible. My heart starts to throb and the pit in my stomach seems to get wider.

"You need to eat something," my mom orders, gently easing me off her lap. "Just a few days of you neglecting your health is already showing. I'll make you something." My mom walks off, leaving me alone. I hear her clanking around in the kitchen and I smile at the warm, homey feeling that spreads over the ache and cold. Swallowing hard, I glance up the stairs and force myself to go up them. I reach my old room which still holds my stuff and some of Beca's. Memories flash through my mind bringing tears to my eyes.

Tell me you love me," Beca taunts as she saunters toward me. "Come on. I dare you."

"Nope, my lips are sealed."

"Maybe I can take care of that." Without another word, Beca pounces on me, knocking me back onto the bed. Her fingers run up and down my waist, leaving me breathless.

"Come on Beale. One last chance." Giggling, I shake my head, loving the way her eyes darken with lust and amusement. "You asked for it." Her fingers start digging into my side, tickling me. Throwing my head back, I laugh and struggle to get away.

"Stop it, Beca. Stop."

"Not until you say it," Beca teases, speeding up the tickling. I let it go on until I can't catch my breath.

"Okay, I love you." The tickling stops and I pant, catching my breath.

"Say it again," Beca whispers, her lips trailing down my chin.

"I love you." Beca stops kissing me and just stares into my eyes. "What?"

"You're beautiful, you know that?" My heart bursts with love and leaves me breathless once again. "I love you Chloe Beale and everyone will know it."

The memory floats through my head, making it pound with grief. Oh god, Beca. Why did you leave me? I drop to my knees and rest my forehead against the floor.

…

Cold, harsh rain hits our faces and the ground with bitterness, telling us we shouldn't be out today. None of this should be happening. At least not this soon. My heart seems to freeze over as well as the tears falling down my face. The coffin is lowered into the ground with my other half inside, stabbing daggers into my chest. I never got to see her, to say goodbye properly. Now they expect me to as they set her coffin six feet under.

Holding a rose against my chest, I step forward, the first person to do so. I'm supposed to say something I suppose. A goodbye. There's a million things I want to say but nothing seems to come up. Frowning, I step back and let others go first. I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet.

"Beca, you were my best friend. Not the best, but you were trying." Jesse sobs. "You were trying to be better which is more than I could ask for. Thank you." One rose is thrown and my eyes track it as it floats down onto the coffin.

"We never really got along," Aubrey says, tears starting down her face. "But I did like you. You made Chloe happy which is all I cared about. I wish I could've had more time to get to know you better." Another rose goes down along with another piece of my heart.

"Oh girl, you made a difference in people's lives. I just wished you could've seen it. Rest now. We won't forget you." Emily sobs and clutches onto her rose, not able to drop it just yet. Benji rubs his hand down her arm, helping her to let go. They move on and the thunder drowns out Stacie's and Cynthia Rose's goodbyes. Maybe they were meant to be private.

"You were like a daughter to me," Eli starts, his voice cracking. "If I could've raised you, I would've. Beca, you will always be my family. I just wished you could've figured that out. I wished I had told you before you-" He chokes on a sob and his rose is thrown, spiraling down, dancing along with the rain which turns it dark. My mom goes next and again the thunder drowns it out. When she's done, she stands by Eli who wraps her into a hug. Good, she has someone even if I wish it was my father.

"For years I've lived by myself, not really caring about anything or anyone," Joyce starts. "When you showed up with my daughter in law and granddaughter, you have no idea how thankful I was and am. After all those years, I finally had a family again. You were a part of that, you know. Just like you always will be. I thought the worst was over, that my vision was completed. I never questioned the darkness that followed every time I touched you. I just thought since you were touched by death once that maybe that was it. I didn't think that it was because death wasn't done with you yet." Joyce takes a deep, shuddering breath.

"We will all miss you. You have no idea the impact you had on all of our lives. I wish- I'll miss all of our jokes and most of all, your laugh. You, my girl, were as much my grandchild as the others. I know you're in a better place now. Rest in peace." Joyce lets the rose fall from her hand slowly, her sobs echoing in my ears as it hits the coffin. I'm the last one and I force myself forward. I know that I'll never be ready to say goodbye so I have to go now. I have to try and let her go.

"Baby," I say in a choked whisper. "I can't- it's so hard to picture you not next to me for the rest of our lives. I- I want so bad for you to be here, to be alive and making inappropriate jokes. You always said that I was your angel so why aren't you here? Why couldn't I protect you?" Sighing, I look up to the sky. Thunder crashes around us, drowning out my next words.

"What I wouldn't give to hear your voice one more time. To have an answer to the cries in my head. Wherever you are Beca, I hope you can hear this. I love you and will never forget you. If I ever choose to move on, I hope you can forgive me. For now though, I'll have to learn how to live without you. I love you baby and hope you're in a better place." Slowly, I bring the rose over the coffin and force myself to let go. When it hits the coffin, my heart seems to shatter with no one left to pick up the pieces.

...

"Walk with me," my grandma orders, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from everybody else and away from the coffin. Everybody had said their goodbyes, but no one was ready to leave just yet. Leaving would make it final. Would make it real.

"How are you?" I look at her incrediously at such a stupid question and she chuckles humorslessly. "I know that you aren't fine. Who is? I just want to hear it. How are you handling it all?"

"Not well Grandma. I don't know where to go now. All my plans included Beca and now that she's gone...I'm completely lost."

"I know honey. It's not easy, losing someone you love. It's even harder moving on without them. It will be okay though. I'm not saying it will get easier but more and more you'll find yourself smiling back on the memories instead of bawling your eyes out."

"Really?" My grandma nods. "It almost broke me when dad died but this- this is something completely different. It's like a part of me is dead along with her. It's so fucking hard to breathe without her. Where do I go now, Grandma?"

"For now, you go home and give yourself some time to grieve and then in a couple of days, you pick yourself back up. You continue college and work on being able to breathe without her. Just focus on the moment, not the future. If you don't, you'll find yourself frozen with heart ache." I nod and we walk the rest of the way to the car in silence. We don't speak as we hug and part our own ways. She'll stick around for a couple of days and then go home. Or go visit Carter and Callie who tried to make it but couldn't miss any school. I hope she goes to visit them. She needs somebody to be with for a little while.

I lean against the car and observe all of my friends and family walking toward me, somber expressions settled onto their faces. My mom and Eli are holding hands in such a familiar way that I finally let myself think about it. Of course they're dating. Probably have been for awhile. I was just too wrapped up in my own world to notice. At least mom can be there for him and vise versa.

Jesse walks alone, his hands stuffed in his pockets, eyes cast downward. Pushing off of the car, I go over to him and pull him into a hug. Sobbing, he wraps his arms around me, not needing any words to express the pain he's feeling. Our grief seems to intertwine together, creating one big ball of misery. But also creates a bond between us. We both lost Beca and are probably the most affected by it. Where I have Beca's wolf to help heal the gaping wound, he has nobody. So I'll be there for him and by the way he's holding onto me, he'll be there for me. Just like the wolf and me, our cries unite in harmony, until there's nothing else. Just Jesse and I, surrounded by the pain of losing Beca.

I'll help him, I call out to nothing but a hopeful wish that somehow she can hear me. I promise.