Chapter 37

Chloe's POV

One year later

The pain doesn't seem to show any signs of going away. The wolf sighs, her head resting by the cool, blue water. The waterfall is quiet today, like it knows we need some peace, even just for a minute.

"I don't think it will. It's going to be with us for a long time, possible forever. But I'm already getting better at looking back at memories and smiling instead of bawling. Seeing her stuff and not wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. I still haven't brought myself to pack up her stuff though. That's going to take a lot longer."

Child, I can feel myself fading. The news is so sudden, I jerk right up from where my head rested on the wolf's back.

"What do you mean?"

Everyday I grow weaker and it's harder to talk to you. I can feel tiny pieces of myself being chiseled away as time grows. I'm sorry to say that I don't think I have much longer.

"What will happen to you? When you fade?" The wolf sighs again, her eyes once a bright silver, now dull and clouded with pain and grief.

I don't know. I think that I'll just be...gone. Cease to exist, much like Beca.

"I have to believe that a part of her is still alive. I mean, you are."

And not for long. It's time for you to move on; to let her go. To let me go. I'm ready.

"No!" I stand up, my usual white dress now a somber black representing the turmoil I feel inside. "You can't leave me! You won't leave me. I will find a way for you to live, I promise."

You shouldn't make promises you can't keep. Just...Please, let me go in peace. Let me be with her. We stare at each other through our reflections in the water. The gentle waves cause our faces to ripple until they seem to be one, much like we are now. She's a part of me now. Not like she was with Beca, never like that, but something ingrained in my soul. No way can I let her go.

"Just stay here. I'll be back and we'll talk some more. Please, just stay a little longer."

As you wish. She goes silent, her glassy gaze slipping away from mine and to the waterfall. Her body relaxes but is still somehow tight with grief. My heart aches at hurting her, but I'm not ready to let her go. Something won't let me. Something I can't explain.

Tears stream down my face as I wade into the water, much like I do every night I dream of being here. The icy cold water washes over me, making me shiver feeling the lack of it's usual warmth. This dream world seems to get darker and harsher everytime I come. I believe it has something to do with the wolf. If she's leaving, there will be no reason for me to dream of this place and it will be gone, forever. Just like Beca.

Gasping, I sit up in bed, trying to catch my breath. My hand automatically finds the other side of the bed, searching for someone who should be there. My other hand reaches up to touch my face, finding quickly drying tears. I wake up like that a lot now and it shows no sign of ever stopping.

I let out a tired sigh and my blurry eyes wander over to the clock. Great, it's 3 in the morning and I'm wide awake. Again. The only time I've gotten a full night sleep since Beca passed, was when my mom forced me to take sleeping pills. Swinging my legs over the side of my bed, I grab my robe and pull it on before going into the kitchen. I make some hot tea and make my way to the couch which seems to have a permanent indentation from all my sleepless nights.

I kept the apartment with my mom's help for the first few months until I was able to find a job. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to let it go. Beca and I rented it as a start to a new beginning which was quickly brought to an end. One stupid accident ruined everything. With my mug balancing on my knee, I pick up the picture frame on the coffee table. It used to go on my nightstand, but after the first couple of weeks of no sleep, I just brought it out here.

In it is me sitting on Beca's lap during a bonfire that Eli held a month after we got married. The picture isn't the greatest quality because my mom had taken it without us expecting. My face is a little blurry because I had just thrown my head back in laughter at what someone said and it's a little dark. What my eyes go to though is Beca who is looking up at me, a small, genuine smile on her face. The love is so clear in her eyes and it's like she only sees me.

A sob breaks through but I press it down. I can't keep doing this every night. It's not healthy according to the therapist I've been seeing. I didn't want to go see him, but my mom pushed me to do it. What I didn't feel like explaining to her and what I can't explain to the therapist is that Beca was my soulmate. I'm not sure there is a getting over her. I know that Eli did and that he's very happy with my mom, but it was different with Beca and I. We had a connection that no one ever had and that no one could explain.

I'm counting down the days until I go crazy. There's nothing but the sleepless nights indicating that I will, but how else do I explain the hollow feeling I have in my chest. Or the way I occasionally hear a whisper of a thought from Beca. I know it's probably my imagination, but I don't want it to be.

…..

"Chloe," Aubrey yells, stopping me in my tracks. "Wait up!" Sighing, I stop and give Aubrey a chance to get to me. When she does, I immediately start walking, clutching my books tighter to my chest.

"Chlo, hang on. Can you give me a sec?"

"What Aubrey?" I snap, flinching at the harshness in my voice. It seems that the coldness in my heart is now spreading to my voice, until eventually, it will take over completely.

"Where are you going that's got you in such a hurry?"

"To class?" Aubrey rolls her eyes.

"That's what you always say." I just shrug and impatiently tap my foot. "Look, I just wanted to see how you're doing?" My heart softens a little and I let myself relax.

"I'm sorry. Rough night."

"Honey, aren't you taking the sleeping pills that Doc prescribed you?"

"Aubrey, you know how I feel about those. I don't like using medications to help me through my problems. It'd just start something bad."

"But you don't know that." Aubrey sets her hands on her hips, her lips pursed in disappointment. "We're all worried about you."

"I know and I'm fine. Or at least I will be." I start walking again, slower this time. "It's going to take some time and I have to figure out how to live without her."

"You did it for 17 years of your life. I know that it'll take time, but you have to try."

"This is what I'm talking about," I growl, stopping again and turning toward her. "Beca was my fucking soulmate. We had a connection that was beyond your wildest fucking dreams. So I don't give a shit about trying, okay. Just let me be. I might never get over her and if you guys have a problem with that, well frankly, I don't give a damn." Aubrey stares at me open mouthed while I grit my teeth together in frustration.

"Well when you put it that way," Aubrey laughs and I smile, letting the anger seep away. "I'm really sorry about pushing. I'm just worried. I love you, Chloe and will continue to look after you so be prepared."

"Fine. So what was so urgent that you had to make me late for class?"

"Oh yeah. So about the Barden Bellas-?" I'm shaking my head before she even finishes.

"Aubrey you know how I feel about that."

"Since you're in such an informational mood today, why don't you explain it to me? I want- no I need to understand." The desperation in Aubrey's eyes makes me sigh and look away.

"My whole plan with the Barden Bellas was to give us girls a chance to have a free place to talk and be ourselves."

"And you did that," Aubrey interrupts and I turn my head sharply to look at her.

"Yes, and that's great but I also planned to do all of that with Beca. Now that she's gone...I can't bring myself to go. To be a part of it. Without her, it won't be the same."

"You won't know until you try," Aubrey pleads weakly knowing that she won't win.

"I'm sorry Bree. I can't do that." I turn away, fully intending to finally make my way to class when her next words make me freeze.

"You mean you won't."

"What?" I whip around, fury once again clouding my vision.

"You refuse to even try. How do you know you can't if you won't even do that?"

"Because I feel it in my heart," I beat a fist against my chest, finally letting the pain show through. When her eyes meet mine, I can see the torment reflected back. I see what she's finally seeing. What I've seen in the mirror for the last year.

"Beca was supposed to be here. For the Bellas, for class. She was supposed to be with me for every birthday and christmas. Every heartache and obstacle. Now, she's the obstacle in my life that I can't seem to get over and don't tell me I'm not trying. There is no other way to explain it to you, but that I can't. Something tells me I'm not ready. When I am though, I'll let you know." With that, I walk away, leaving Aubrey standing there, dumbfounded. Let her chew on that for a while.

…

As I walk to my apartment fter my classes, a shiver runs up and down my spine. It feels like two eyes are digging holes into my back, burying deeper into my secrets. Skeptical, I swing my eyes widely, taking in everything in sight. When I hear footsteps behind me, I speed up, spotting my apartment building up ahead.

"Wait," a deep voice calls out and I start to run, not caring who they are or what they want. I've been kidnapped before and fuck letting that happen again. Those were some of the worst days of my life.

"Please, I just want to talk."

"Leave me alone," I scream over my shoulder. His footsteps speed up and so do I.

Can't let her get away. Need answers. Find Beca. His thoughts flow through my mind, causing me to freeze. Beca? What does he want with her?

"Oh thank god," the man laughs breathlessly when he catches up to me. "Do you know how hard it was to find you?"

"Who are you?" The man straightens and smiles. His dark hair looks almost blue in the sunlight and his blue eyes look like they make a lot of girls swoon. Something about him seems familiar. Maybe something in his face shape.

"Sorry, I should've started with that. My name is Chicago. I'm looking for my sister, Beca Mitchell."