"Where Did You Go?"
Liz was laying on one of the many rock formations at the Crossroads. A worn stone fence extended on each side of the cobblestone walkway into the small village. There were few houses, most of which looked worn with age. There was even grass growing on some of the roofs. A merchant was standing in front of his stall, selling supplies to any people that may be passing through. Inquisition soldiers milled about.
The young mage sighed and continued her cloud watching, enjoying the sight of the gentle puffs gliding through the sky. Ever since yesterday, she's been keeping a leery eye on her friend. He'd tried to freaking kill her! The thought itself pained her to even think about. It made her heart ache that he would even think to do that.
But he was … different. Something was off. Cole held himself differently. Normally he was slouched and seemed to skitter here and there, eyes darting around. Fidgeting. Listening. Hiding underneath his huge hat and mop of scraggly hair. But now, he walked with his shoulders held high. His gaze was sharper, harder – not kind and soft like they were before.
He didn't look at the world with the same look anymore. Eyes wide with wonder, wanting to help those in need. No, he seemed almost melancholic and very somber. Sure, he had those traits before. She'd even go as to say he was probably depressed. But now it was more prominent. That change she saw in him since the Spire was gone.
She'd even dare to say he reverted to his old self. And the thought terrified her.
He never wanted this.
"Erin?" A voice interrupted her thoughts.
"Hmmm?" She hummed in acknowledgment, realizing that it was her brother that was standing next to the rock she was laying on. A worried look was plastered on his face as he stared down at his sister. She turned her head, feeling her brunette locks shift across her freckled face.
"Are you sure you want to do this? I could just as well get Commander Cullen or Josephine to organize the Inquisition soldiers in the area. You don't have to do it."
"I'll be fine." She murmured, turning back to look at the sky. Her fingertips grazed the worn leather of Cole's hat as it lay on her stomach. Since then, she'd been hanging onto it. The weight of it was almost comforting. "I want to stay and assist the healer here, anyway. There seems to be a lot more refugees since the closing of the Breach."
She needed time away from Skyhold. Away from Cole. Perhaps she was hiding from her responsibilities. Her promise to her friend. But … she couldn't bring herself to do it. She tried, but everything in her body protested against it. But it also seemed something inside of him protested against the very idea, as well. He had a similar problem. If the look in his eyes when he was about to stab her was anything to go by. The sheer amount of hesitation, the pain, that flicked across his face. He was still in there. Somewhere. Somehow.
She knew it. Liz couldn't believe that he'd changed. That he was …
"If you say so..." Maxwell muttered.
If he was still in there, she had to figure out a way to help him come back. There had to be a way, right? And she needed time to think about it. Time to plot it out. It all came down to time and she wasn't even sure she had the time.
"I'll be back before you know it. The scouts will be returning within a week or so."
He was silent.
He knew that it was her job as a healer. Even if the young woman used her position to pop around and disappear to 'help' people in the name of the Inquisition. At the moment, her actions were rather selfish as opposed to as selfless as she portrayed them to be.
Her brother would be busy with his advisors coordinating an attack at a place called Adamant. Calculating how long it took him to get there and back, he'd estimated it would take about a month and a half for preparations and travel time.
Liz was not looking forward to it.
That night, Liz dreamt of home. Or was it home, anymore? Did she have a home? She was on Earth, looking over the expanse of the parking lot outside of her apartment complex. There were cars parked of all different colors. She passed a few and walked up to the debilitated looking building.
"You're not looking forward to it. I can taste the fear on you, it's delicious."
She wasn't even surprised that it was there, too. It was always there, afterall. Liz sighed, "What?"
"Where are you, love? Where have you gone?"
She'd gotten better at shutting it out. So she clamped down on her thoughts, her feelings. Squeezing him out of her head, eyes focused on the entrance to the apartment. It was blackened and falling apart. She put her hand on the building, feeling the soot and charcoal fall off and stain her palms.
"Stop calling me that, demon."
A growl, it rattled in her ear just behind her. Liz refused to turn around and look at it, gaze fixated on the destroyed condition on her once-home. It felt like razors were being lightly dragged across her skin on her shoulders. Claws, caressing her clavicle. She could feel its breath as it spoke.
"I've always been there, Elizabeth. I've been there all this time. Watching. Waiting. Wondering when you'd be here, within my grasp. Now that you are, you deny me?" It hissed, pressing its claw into her skin. Liz bit her lip, refusing to show her pain. She couldn't stop the small gasp that passed her lips as images invaded her mind, of her running. Always running. A child, chased – can't get away. Can't- "See? I was always there for you, even when you were completely and utterly alone."
"I'm not alone. I was never alone." She shot back, remembering her friend. A friend, who she's come to identify as a spirit. It was odd to her. That even on Earth, the spirits were there. Part of her culture. Part of her life. But here…
Liz squeezed her eyes shut, forcing the demon back and away from her. She heard it hiss in rage, only for her to snap her eyes open into the waking world. She was getting better at simply expelling the thing. Keeping it at bay. Solas had taught her how to use glyphs to assist with that, but it seemed like that one particular demon was more powerful than she thought…
The young woman sat up, trying to steady her breathing as she looked down at her feet at the end of the tent. Her heart was hammering away in her chest and she jumped when she saw a shadow. It flitted across the tent flap, causing her to grab Athras' staff.
Quietly, she peeked her head out of the tent. Nothing. She was far enough on the outskirts of the Crossroads that no one would bother her. It was why she chose the place. Then who?
The young mage stepped into the fresh morning air. The sun was slowly making it's ascent into the sky, waking up the birds as they sung happy tunes in the shifting foliage. Liz's eyes scanned the trees, finding herself almost at home amongst the cover of the forest. She's always felt that way. And, for just a moment, she could pretend she was on Earth. That she was just in the forest out on the Reservation with her grandma making wigwams and cooking fish.
Still nothing.
Perhaps it had been a passing animal?
With that, she grabbed some of her things from her pack and headed off to a nearby river to wash off the last three day's grime. She was definitely ripe, she found, as she peeled off her layer of dirt caked clothing and leathers. The otherworlder's nose scrunched as she dropped all of her clothes on the bank of the river.
The young woman opened a small pouch that she'd been given from the Ambassador, Josephine. She remembered the look on the woman's face when she realized just how ripe Liz smelled during one of their meetings before they left.
She snorted and unfurled the pouch, finding a bundle of soaps and some odd vials. She assumed these were the oils that the fancier ladies tended to use. At the bottom, she found a flat slab with odd designs on it. A rock, of some sort. With a note attached to it.
It had simple vocabulary, God Bless her heart. Liz was grateful for that, at least.
'Drop in water before bath. One use only. Enjoy.'
"Huh…." She turned the stone in her hands, knowing that it was a rune of some sort. "Well, first thing's first. Gotta wash my rank ass clothes."
She muttered unintelligibly to herself as she did so, wondering at the amount of grime built up during her travels. She never allowed anyone to wash her furs for her, since she washed them a certain way to keep the fur soft and intact. Something her grandmother had taught her.
'I miss grandma Rose.' She hummed to herself as she hung up her clothing. 'I also miss washers and dryers, though. And cheeseburgers.' Her stomach growled and she looked down at Erin's tiny waist, 'Lots of cheeseburgers.'
The young mage sighed and went to step into the river. Not before dropping the stone in, of course.
What she discovered was a marvelous surprise. Liz expected the water to be freezing, since the weather wasn't exactly warm. But she was used to taking quick baths in the river to get the dirt off. This? This was different. The rune warmed up the area. It wasn't hot, but it was warm enough to make the young mage relax as she stepped into the hip deep water.
She sighed, "By the Gods I needed this..."
The current was slow and languid as it caressed her thighs and body as she submerged herself. She almost wanted to cry at how wonderful it was. Why didn't she know this existed?
Liz was enjoying herself so much, that she almost forgot about the awful events from the day before. They seemed a far away thought as she washed her body with the soaps provided. The oils, as she'd discovered, was an assortment of many scents. Most of which were too pungent for her liking, too flowery. Just too much. The only one, was the subtle minty smell that she put away for later. She knew she was supposed to put them in a tub. But… she didn't want to harm the wildlife by trying to put such a thing in the streams.
Once finished, she sat in the river and relaxed. She watched the birds hop around in the branches across the wide river. It was shallow and slow, the water sparkled underneath the morning sun. Liz sighed and allowed her gaze to slip to the sky. It was completely clear that day, telling her that the weather might even warm up closer to noon.
In the middle of her moment of relaxation, the water went ice cold. It was like a jolt to her system. For a moment it even felt like it hurt with how sudden it'd happened. Liz let out a shriek and stood up, only to flail and fall face first into the freezing river. Bubbles billowed out of her mouth and nose as she scratched the rocks for purchase.
The young woman flung herself into a standing position, gasping for air and coughing up water. It had gotten into her nose and it stung! Her hands wiped her hair out of her eyes, feeling it as it was plastered to the side of her face.
She sat there shivering and the coughing subsided only to hear—
"...Oh, you're naked." A familiar voice rang from around her. Liz whipped around, eyes wide and mana sparking to life. Ready to defend. Only to come face to chest with Cole, who was staring down at her with his steely eyes. He stood there with his daggers out, poised to attack.
Though not pointed at her.
"What…. The fuck are you doing here?" She hissed, cupping her breasts in a vain attempt to find some decency. His arms went slack when he found no danger to be seen, obviously reacting to her sudden shriek when the water went cold.
"I was watching, but you screamed. Too cold. Too much. 'Oh God, what the hell!'" The last part sounded almost like he was mocking her, but his face gave nothing away. His tone his usual flat and somber tone. He was being completely serious.
"Y-You were—you were watching me?!" She hissed in a swift tone, eyes narrowing dangerously. Cole's answer was to simply give her a once over, eyes nearly raking over her bare body, allowing a small smirk to quirk on his lips. Almost in admiration. "You pervert!"
Liz's face burned and she let out an enraged yell, her fist flying toward his face. The young man smoothly stepped out of the way, his legs moving through the water with ease. His hand flew up in response, "Forget-"
The young mage experienced a brief flash of confusion, before blankness. She stood there for a few moments in freezing water, only to shriek again. As if re-experiencing the first time. She skittered around, barely finding purchase on the slippery rocks as she ran onto the grassy riverbank.
She stood there huffing and shivering as she slipped on her dry tunic and leather pants. She grabbed her washed furs and clothing and began walking through the underbrush. The young woman pushed and prodded at her mana reserves, willing her body to warm up.
A twig snapped and she clutched her mentor's staff, twirling around and holding it out.
Her gaze wavered and she almost tripped as she took a surprised step back. Cole stood there, ever so calmly, watching from beside a rather large tree. The young rogue crossed his arms and stared down at the small woman. Liz couldn't help but feel her hairs rise at the sight of him, remembering the scuffle they'd had just a day ago.
It wasn't him. It wasn't him. It wasn't—
"You're running away." He stated plainly, as if commenting on the weather. He ambled toward the woman and stopped on her right, getting up in her personal bubble and making her feel uncomfortable. She kept reminding herself that he wasn't himself. So she didn't know if he would actually hurt her or not.
"No I'm not."
"Yes. You are. You can't hide anything from me, Lizzy." Cole said and the young woman walked passed him, eyes trained on the small trail through the outcropping of brush. She bobbed and weaved through the foliage, barely making a noise. She felt at home in places like this. "How would she react. Laying down and letting life take and take and take. Giving up. Elise. Elise. I'm sorry."
Liz stopped and spun on her heel, feeling her foot dig into the soil. How dare he try to use her sister against her?! She glared up at the rogue and pushed her finger into his chest, "Why are you even here? If you want to kill me, just do it already."
"Your dreams are delicious and it feels like drowning." The young man pushed her finger off of his chest, keeping eye contact. His gaze seemed more intense now, causing her to shiver. "Home home, what is home? Is this home? Do I have a home? I'm sorry. You yearn for what you can't have, what's gone. Missing. Lost, like you."
She stared up at him cautiously, eying his movements. His patterns. They were all wrong. He wasn't even fidgeting like he usually was.
"You aren't Compassion. What are you?" Liz asked, remembering what Solas called him. Even a Spirit of Command had referred to him as Compassion. But now? What was he? Who was he?
"I am but a shadow in your footsteps, pulling you down—a constant struggle. I am what haunts your dreams every night." Cole took a step forward, "I am Despair."
"Despair…." Liz's voice was soft and she swallowed nervously. Thinking of ways she could escape, just in case he tried to hurt her. "You're a demon."
"I always was, wasn't I?" He asked and she turned around and began walking toward camp, again. A million thoughts whirled through her mind as she got closer. The rogue continued, "Compassion, on the precipice of despair. I won't. I won't. Not again. But he did. He was. So I am." A pause, "I won't hurt you."
Yet. That was the key word, wasn't it?
Liz opened her mouth to ask another question, but as soon as she emerged from the foliage she paused. A figure was bent over and looking into her tent curiously and she tensed. Only to relax once she saw the familiar baldness of his head.
Solas stood up straight and turned to Liz, mouth opening as he nodded in greeting.
"Solas? What are you doing here?" She asked, stepping into her camp. Cole had gone suspiciously quiet.
"I was looking for you, of course." He stated, as if it were obvious. And it was. Liz crossed her arms and her eyebrow twitched in irritation.
"That much was obvious. I was more referring to why you came back. Weren't you going back to Skyhold with Maxwell?"
"What are your thoughts on Cole, if I may be so bold."
He came back to ask that? Seriously? She squinted at him and her eyes darted to his side, watching as Cole came walking into camp. Solas turned to look at what she was looking at, eyes passing right over him. Unseeing. The apostate couldn't even see the demon as he stood right beside him. Observing the side of his face.
"What's wrong, Erin?"
"Nothing… just. Why the sudden question?" She asked, shifting on her foot and putting her clothing out on a rock to dry. "Cole seems… different somehow. I'm not sure how to place it, but he isn't himself. I-I am sorry for not listening to you back then. I feel I may have had a hand in his change." She paused, standing up and looking at Solas. "Do you know what happened to him?"
The elf shook his head slightly and she had to give it everything she had not to let her eyes wander to Cole, who was right there. "It is my belief that he has simply become more malevolent in nature. Compassion is no longer his purpose. What happened with the templar man twisted him into something he is not."
"He's a demon, then?"
"Not entirely, no. Just as he was not entirely spirit, he is not entirely a demon. As you say." The older mage explained, "It is much more complicated than just simply spirit or demon. I would go into specifics, but that could take hours. I am simply here to check up on you."
"Right. Why?" Liz was trying to hide her nervousness as Cole almost circled the elf, looking at him like he was prey. The young mage refused to let her eyes follow him, in case it would tip Solas off.
"It seems Cole has gone missing. I was under the assumption that he would have sought you out, as the two of you are pretty close." The man finally elaborated and Liz had a feeling he was here to protect her. From Cole, probably.
"He's not here." She lied, watching as the demon came to a stop beside Solas. The apostate's ear twitched. He drew his blade, eyes narrowing at the elf. Liz opened her mouth and gasped.
Solas, in response, yanked his staff off of his back and swung it with precision. It struck home, knocking the rogue back a few steps. The air was filled with energy, causing the hairs on her arms and neck to stand on end.
Cole was about to pounce on top of him when he cried out, falling to the ground and writhing.
"What are you doing!?" Liz's voice cracked, running between the two and shielding Cole from another blast of energy that came from the elven mage. The energy sparked harmlessly at her sides as she put up a ward.
"Stand back, Erin!"
"No!" She clutched Athras' staff, feeling tears coming to her eyes. "I won't let you hurt him! I won't! Don't make me hurt you, Solas!"
"Erin." Solas hissed, "It is not Cole any longer."
"You're lying!" She denied through blurry vision, "I saw it. I saw him. He's still there-"
"Erin!" He called, throwing up a barrier around her. She felt it tingle across her skin just as Cole grabbed her and shoved her against his chest. His dagger was drawn and it gleamed in the sunlight. She could feel his hair tickling her neck as he clutched onto her shakily.
Whatever Solas had used to neutralize him must have seriously hurt him.
"Cole..." She spoke, feeling worry in her gut. Worry and fear, because his dagger was right there. So close. Too close.
The otherworlder's back was pressed against his chest and she could feel him beginning to shake as he squeezed onto her, almost possessively.
"You won't take her, Solas." He spoke, voice sounding darkened. Demonic. Unlike the Cole she knew. "I won't let you."
He didn't want her to leave?
His fingers on his free hand ghosted away from her chest and onto her bare shoulder, clasping desperately. They were as cold as ice, nails digging into her soft flesh. When she winced, he seemed to tighten his grip in response. She could feel it draw blood.
"Erin… you need to step away from him."
A low, dangerous, rumble resounded from the rogue's chest. This made Liz turn to look at him, his eyes almost seemed to glow from underneath his blonde curtain of hair. The grip on his dagger tightened. Cole was looking at Solas like he was about to gut him.
The thought terrified her.
"Please don't." She whispered, trying to project her wants. Her needs. She needed him to know. To stop. She pleaded.
"Why? Why not?"
"Don't hurt him. Don't. Please. I will stay. I won't go anywhere, Cole. Just don't hurt Solas."
"You cannot be serious-" The older mage began, but was cut off by the demon.
"Silence!" Cole spoke a series of words, which she identified were Elven. She flicked her gaze to her elven friend, who turned pale and took a step back. Solas looked like he got enraged, just then. Only for Cole's hand to extend, fingers splayed out to the apostate. "Forget."
Solas' eyes went blank and the pressure on Liz's shoulder disappeared. The young mage stumbled forward, feeling her hair fall into her face. Hiding her distraught expression. Her fear. She breathed heavily, feeling her chest hurt. Oh Gods, it hurt so much.
"Erin, are you well?" Her friend asked calmly. Worried. As if the previous conversation didn't just happen. Her hand was covering her shoulder, squeezing it and digging into the wound. Using the pain to pull herself to the present. Don't dwell. Don't-
"Y-Yes… What did you say, again? Sorry."
"Cole has gone missing. I sought you out because the two of you are close. I assumed he would go to you."
"No."
"Erin, are you sure you're okay?" He asked and she saw Cole standing in the trees behind him, blue eyes narrowed dangerously. Liz nodded, face going pale.
"Y-Yes… I just… I am out of breath all of a sudden. All of this… it is hard to..." Liz bowed her head and began to shake, "He is my friend. I don't want him to get hurt. Please, Solas."
"I understand." The man spoke softly, arms fastening behind his back. Like they usually did when he went into 'lecture mode'. "I must advise you to be careful, Erin." The man looked worried, for the most part. But the look in his grey eyes told her that he knew she was lying. "He is not what he once was."
"I know…."
Not much else was exchanged between the two. Even Liz knew she was being unusually tight lipped than normal. But the man eventually took his leave and walked out of her camp, posture stiff. On edge.
Solas was gone. Even Cole disappeared. Part of her hoped that he didn't just follow the mage and kill him outright. But she had to believe that he would stay true to his word. That the rogue wouldn't try to kill him, so long as she didn't run away from him.
The remaining of her day went relatively quiet. Cole was nowhere to be found as she made her rounds in the small village at the Crossroads. She always got the distinct feeling that she was being watched, however. She could sense it, somehow. Kind of like how she could somehow sense the intentions of people.
There were a few cases of bronchitis, which she was easily able to alleviate and give medications to. Certain potions, which were like antibiotics on steroids. And instructed the family members to boil water to help with the breathing. The others were simply sick with a common cold, which seemed to be sweeping through the area like wildfire.
Liz couldn't stress to them enough that keeping their hands and faces washed was crucial to stopping it from spreading.
With that small tidbit of information, they all seemed relatively grateful for her services. Which was always nice. Despite her being a mage, people seemed a tad more accepting when she told them she was a healer. Not much. But enough.
"Please, take this." A middle aged man offered a sack of potatoes to the young woman, "As a thank you for treating my wife."
"Oh, you don't have to. I am here on behalf of the Inquisition and-"
"No, I insist. My son is with the Inquisition, too. Maybe you've heard of 'im?"
Liz hesitantly grabbed the sack of potatoes, eyes wandering up to the burly farmer. She squinted at his short salt and pepper hair. He was tanned, blue eyes.
"Name's Sid. My son has a penchant for finding trouble-"
"Kyle?"
"Yeah! You know 'im?"
"I'm constantly patching that man up." Liz pressed her fingertips to the bridge of her nose, noting all of the moments the young scout came into the infirmary with odd injuries. Sometimes injuries that should have killed him but didn't. "No offense, but I'm surprised he's still alive."
The older man let out a bark of laughter, big meaty hand slapping her shoulder. She saw tears springing to his eyes, "That kid! 'e gits it from me, I swear! It must be the Harrington curse. My Pa used to talk about it when I was just a wee boy."
"… Right."
"Keep doin' what yer doin', yeah? Maker be with you an all that." He spoke as he lead her to the door, a smile on his face. When the door was opened, he paused, "Oh, wait. Allie's been holed up in her house fer days. Mind checkin' in on 'er? Poor lass lost her husband in the war. She ain't got anyone else."
Liz was in the doorway when she nodded to the older man, "Sure thing. Have a nice day, Mister Harrington."
She stepped into the cool air, taking a deep inhale through her nose. It was getting dark and harder to see, but she promised she would check on this Allie person. Cole would … Cole would have been the right person to send, back when he was…
Liz's gaze fell to the grass beneath her feet, the lantern on the house flickered dimly. Her thoughts were like turbulent waters, roiling around. A vicious cycle. Everything came back to him. Why? How could one person have such an effect on her?
She turned on her friend for Cole. She shivered to think back on that moment. Liz would have attacked Solas to keep the rogue safe, even knowing he was not what he once was. Everything in her mind told her it was wrong. He was wrong. But everything in her heart screamed in protest, insisting that he was still there. Somewhere.
'Where are you? Where did you go?' She thought to herself, brown eyes slowly slipping up toward the last house to be checked on. Liz clutched onto the clasp holding her pelt over her shoulders, her small body slowly made its way toward the hut.
The dirt shifted between her toes and she came to a stop just outside of the house, seeing that the lantern was out. Noting that whoever was in there didn't want to be disturbed or was asleep. She pressed her fingertips against the doorframe, feeling the deep grooves in the aged wood. The mage pressed her forehead against it, squeezing her eyes shut. Trying. Trying so hard to push away the thoughts in her head.
The pain.
She couldn't. She just couldn't. Liz was still lamenting over it, even now. To her, that was weakness. Emotions that would soon lead to her demise. Emotions, not within her control. Just out of her grasp. Liz knew, she just knew, that if she ever lost him. Lost another friend. She would break.
The thought itself shook her to the core.
It was during this silence, this pained silence, that she heard faint thumping coming from inside of the house. Hadn't Sid told her that she lost her husband? That she was alone? Liz pressed her fingertips against the door, feeling it give. It creaked on its rusty hinges, the inside much darker than the outside. Her eyes could barely make anything out as she peeked her head in.
The otherworlder could make out rustling of clothing, followed by a strangled gasp. Liz stepped inside, opening her mouth to ask if everything was okay. But the words died in her mouth the second her gaze landed on the two darkened figures in the middle of the hut.
The candlelight flickered in the background, making it harder to see. Cole was standing there, looking down at the figure laying on the floor. Motionless. The illumination caused the angles on his face to appear more prominent, more angular.
He turned his head slowly, a lone eye peeking out from underneath his mop of blonde hair. Liz could have sworn it was glowing an icy blue, his breath able to be seen as it puffed. Her brown eyes flicked down at his feet.
He was standing over someone. A woman. Her hand limp, holding a locket that glittered in the dim light. Blood, like paint, coated his boots and the cracked hardwood floor. It seeped into the wood and before she knew it, her breathing had become ragged. She couldn't move. Why couldn't she move?
Oh, God. Oh God oh God.
"Cole..." Her voice came out small. And just like that, her body moved on it's own as she collapsed onto her knees.
No. Nono. This-
"She was going to die, anyway." The rogue spoke, holding up his bloodied knife for Liz to see. "Lost. So so lost without him. No kids, no home, no purpose. 'I want to but I can't. I'm afraid.' I took her pain away. I helped her."
It was said so simply.
"'Who is he? Who are you? Where are you?' So many questions. Why do you look at me so? I am me. I am free, finally finding my purpose. Aren't you happy?" He turned, dagger in hand. The way he so casually cleaned the blade made the hairs on her arms raise. This most certainly was not the Cole she knew. Was it? "Do I frighten you, Lizzy?"
She couldn't suppress the wince that showed when he used that nickname. The nickname that Elise always used for her. He did it on purpose, didn't he? And that's when she realized that, no – no it wasn't the same Cole she knew. And this was all her fault.
A twisted rendition of who he once was.
"They loved each other but the water wouldn't stay, slipping through frantic fingers. I'm sorry." He explained, his daggers held loosely in his hands as he shifted on his feet. Though she heard no movement. "It's better this way. They aren't suffering anymore."
The way he said it. The way he stood there, over her body. Allie, who was distraught after losing her husband. This poor woman had a name. Her dark dull eyes stared up at her killer, who simply turned to look at Liz fully. As if hearing her every thought.
The mage couldn't take her eyes off of the dead woman. Her white hair, stained red. A deep deep crimson red that still seemed to flow out of her chest. The puddle kept getting bigger.
Oh Gods. Why.
Cole
Cole watched Liz turn on her heel and dart out of the hut and into the cool night air. The door was wide open, sending the wind whipping through the one roomed building. The fireplace was long dead, since Allie didn't care whether or not she was cold. She had felt cold on the inside, too. Ever since her love, her heart, died.
The rogue stepped away from the lifeless woman, intent on following his Light.
He stooped and grabbed the forgotten sack of potatoes. The young man made his way through the village, finding himself weaving through the trees and bushes. Her camp wasn't far from the Crossroads. The moon was big and bright that night, setting the forest into a deep blue hue.
Ever since what happened in the Spire, it constantly haunted him. The look Rhys had given him when he found out what he was. A demon. Compassion fought against everything, changing himself into what he deemed was 'better'. But was it better?
Now, Cole thought that Liz was different than Rhys. But… she was running too, wasn't she? She saw him and didn't like what she saw. So she ran. She always ran. What a pathetic little thing.
He refused to admit how much that hurt him. Losing her. Seeing her go. It tore right through him. The rogue gritted his teeth as he stepped out of the forest and into a small clearing. He dropped the sack of potatoes next to her tent – 'Thump!'
Liz whirled around, eyes wide in horror.
"Cole-" Her voice was cut off as he plowed into her, pushing her tiny body against a tree. She gasped, trying to push against him.
"You promised you wouldn't run." He spoke flatly and he leaned in, nose touching hers. Her chest was heaving and her eyes unfocused. "You promised, you promised."
"I-I don't know what you want from me."
"You're going to leave! Leave and run! You see me and see change. Change always meant they leave. They always leave." He referred to Rhys, feeling his chest give a twist. Cole gripped the rough bark of the tree behind her, feeling something dragging him down. He growled, feeling his nails dig into the wood like it was paper.
He could feel it, like it was infecting him. Unaware of how his nails began turning into claws. Unaware of the way his teeth were morphing into razor sharp points. Cole's eyes were unfocused, darting to and fro as he stood in front of his friend. Was she still his friend? Wasn't she leaving? What was she, then?
'She's no better than the rest of them.' Cole let out a whine and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to pull himself back to the present. Out of his thoughts.
"You have to tell me what's wrong, Cole. You can't j-just do this! You can't just kill people. It doesn't matter if she-"
"Shut up!"
"No, damn you. Listen." She grabbed the hair on each side of his face and yanked him down to her level again. "Whatever you're going through, we can work through this. You've just got to let me in."
"You're the one that ran. You saw me and saw friend. Now you see a memory, murderer—mourning a loss. But. I. Am. Here." He put his hand on his chest and flinched when he accidentally stabbed himself. Cole looked down, seeing a hand not his own. Claws. Long claws jutted out, razor sharp and blackening at the tips. Skin paler-"What-What is-"
"I won't lie, that's what I used to think. But I still see you. You're you. You're the same, just different. You're still Cole." Liz grabbed his hands, despite how grotesque they began to look. Her soft skin brushing against his cold, pale hands. She gave him a squeeze and whispered, "I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry."
"I am not Compassion."
"You're not Despair, either. To me, you're just Cole. You'll always be Cole." She spoke so softly. Yet, her fear lingered. He didn't want her to fear him. The tears in Liz's eyes shimmered under the moonlight and he felt himself beginning to calm down. The hammering of his heart remained, however, as they locked gazes.
Compassion still pushed against Despair, fighting for control. Telling him no. Stop. Stop. And he stared at his hands, seeing the claws beginning to recede. Cole took long, deep breaths.
"Yes. Just breathe, okay. Just-" Liz's breathing hitched when he pressed his forehead against her shoulder and pulled her against him. Embracing her. The little mage gripped the back of his leather coat, squeezing him tightly. He could hear her trying to cry quietly, clinging to him like a lifeline.
He was lost and listening. He could hear it. Inside of her. The poor thing wasn't even aware of it, was she? The budding blossom, bright—burning. Her love for Compassion squeezed at her heart, tied like twine. Tangled and tugging, she didn't want it. She denied it. But… it was there. Still growing. Even now.
Despair could see it. And he would love every moment as he watched her slowly spiral into her darkness, letting it seep in like lava. Burning her raw.
Because he was going to slowly tear her apart and make her his. She couldn't leave then, right? She couldn't go. Couldn't abandon him. Couldn't disappear. She would be his own.
When he leaned away, his gaze locked onto hers. He allowed her arms to fall slack at her sides, giving her space so he could see her. Even in the dark, the moon the only illumination, he could see the softness. The weakness, just calling to him. It was something. It was there. It drew him to her, like a moth to the flame. She was… she was..
"We can work through this." Liz began after swallowing nervously, her hand came up and pressed against his chest. It tingled underneath her touch and he took a step back, as if shocked. Eyes widening. She, too, seemed to have some sort of effect on him. "I'm not going anywhere, Cole. Never."
The thought never occurred to him. Ever. That someone would be there for him always. Willingly. Just like that? She said it with such sincerity. She really meant it.
When he tried to step away, conflicted at how he should feel. He'd thought he would have to tear her down and bring her up to hear her say that. To watch her break, so that he was all she had. But—even so. She wasn't broken, wasn't alone. Yet still saw him. Him.
"Yes, that's right. I won't give up on you, you know. I said I'd always be here, remember?" And just like that, the memory of her saying it sprung forth. The way she smiled at him back then – "We all have darkness inside of us. But there is also light, can't you see it? If not within yourself, what about within me?"
At that, her hand grasped at the front of his leather coat. She pulled him closer and looked him right in the eye, soft look disappearing. Replaced by hardness, determination. And like that, she opened up for him. Everything rushed over him like a waterfall. Cole almost felt like he was drowning, dying—despair curling on the edges. But bright, beating and full of life.
No, it was his heart. As if reacting to her own. He leaned forward, his hair brushing against her forehead. So close, their breaths were intermingling.
"You can see it, can't you? I'm here." Her fingers clasped even tighter, her forehead pressing against his. Then, a whisper, "I can still see you, Cole."
The rogue felt his lips brush against her own and it felt like static, tingling like when their skin brushed. He heard Liz's breath catch and he froze, hearing his heart beating in his ears. So warm. He couldn't breathe. Why couldn't he breathe?
"Liz." His voice sounded so raw, so full of emotion. It seeped through the cracks like ooze, sickening him. Why? Why was he like this? He shouldn't—he wouldn't. Cole pushed the woman away, almost immediately missing the heat from her body.
His steely gaze met her brown one, only for his hand to fly in front of her face. He uttered it quickly, feeling the pain twisting in his chest. "Forget."
He couldn't allow that to happen.
And she did.
Cole followed the woman around, remaining unseen for the remainder of her stay for the next few days. She still remembered what he'd done to the young woman, Allie. But not after. Not—not his blunder. His mistake.
The young man was afraid of what would happen if he allowed himself to get close to her again. He knew that he had such control over her. But that night he also realized she seemed to have some manner of hold over him, as well. It was concerning.
How could he be nearby when he felt like he was coming undone whenever he was around her. Whenever she looked at him like that.
The demon stalked through the forest, not making any noise as he followed Liz and Rin as they made their way to one of the Inquisition camps. She was accompanied by a few scouts, who he remembered were called Kyle and Jim. The two seemed to make jabs at one another, though in good nature.
Kyle teased Jim about his obvious crush on Commander Cullen. Cole felt uninterested in the whole thing, simply moving along with the small group that seemed to gather at the camp. Only to make their way to Skyhold, having been relieved by a different group.
The rogue had to actually attempt to be stealthy, because for whatever reason his ability to remain unseen didn't really work well with Liz. He could make her forget small increments, with much effort. Like he did before. But he couldn't will her to forget his presence altogether, allowing him to remain next to her unseen. No.
So he kept his distance.
When they got back to Skyhold, even then the rogue kept his distance. Treating Liz like she was a disease. Afraid. He didn't want to lose her, but he was afraid of the effect she had on him. How she seemed to spark Compassion back to life, making him stronger. Brighter.
So he disappeared within the fortress.
Though, instead of falling into the routine of helping people. Tugging at the threads of pain, pulling them free. No. Instead, he yanked at them. Tearing and shredding at insecurities, sadness. Pulling out the darkness and allowing it to seep and fester like an old wound.
Cole was infecting them and reopening old wounds. Cullen's nightmares seemed to worsen, reminding him of the things he's done. Cassandra was constantly thinking of her brother as he left small things. Reminders of what once was.
The rogue sometimes sang the song the kids used to sing before they died around Blackwall as he worked, only to make him forget. But they always remembered. Even if they couldn't remember him, per se. It was like a thorn, caught in the shirt. Irritating. Always there. Hard to find. Hard to get rid of.
And it felt amazing. It made him. It was him. But it didn't seem like enough, somehow. Even though he, at times, instigated fights. Even though he made Serana insecure about her relationship with Solas. Even though…
That wasn't all he was limited to, however. He would oftentimes lounge in the barns or up in the Herald's Rest where Compassion used to perch. Most of his time was spent alone. He relished in his time alone. Listening to the melancholic melodies playing and echoing within the walls. Their sadness creating a song.
It sounded almost beautiful, if you stopped to listen hard enough.
Of course, the Inquisition was none the wiser of his prescence. Liz had not said a thing. She'd even seen him, but quickly scampered off in the other direction. She knew he was here, yet she still protected him. Even after what he did to Allie. Cole chuckled and sought her out that night.
Curious about why.
He shifted, pulling at the shadows and remaining unseen. He stepped through the threshold, feeling her. She was in her room. The rogue went up the stairs and walked passed the Inquisitor, who was seated on his white couch with Cassandra. The Seeker was opening up to the young man, telling him of her worries. Her memories that seemed to plague her as of late.
Tears were building in the woman's eyes as she stared at the Trevelyan, warm light from the fire flickering across her scarred features. Maxwell pushed her hair across her face and spoke softly to her, a small smile on his face.
"Everything will be okay, Cass." He heard, before the rogue snorted and continued on his mission. Cole scrunched his nose at his inadvertent action, pushing them together.
The two of them didn't even remember the door opening and clicking shut as he entered Liz's room. It was dark. The curtains were drawn shut to prevent light from entering the room. It was quiet, unusually so. She was in here, he could feel her.
What he felt … it wasn't normal. Wasn't something he'd anticipated happening.
The way his chest would warm whenever her gaze fell on him. The way his heart raced that night. The fact that she cared enough to keep his presence within Skyhold Fortress a secret, made him happy beyond reason. She still cared.
But he was Despair. He would end up dragging her down with him. Down below in the deep dark depths of the darkness. Where once he feared it, he now embraced it. It was part of him. It was him.
No no. Nono. This couldn't be happening. It wasn't right. He stumbled forward and clutched the end of her bed, sitting down onto the soft surface. He felt the mattress give as he settled in.
"Cole?" Liz's voice echoed quietly within the confines of her room. How could she see him? Even he couldn't see that clearly. Then, the blinds opened and sent the beams of moonlight piercing into the room. A quiet sigh escaped her lips when her gaze locked onto him, the dim lighting caressing the side of her face.
She almost looked defeated as she turned and walked back toward her bed. Toward him. It squeaked underneath her weight as she lay down, blankets rustling as she pulled them over her small form. Just like that. The small woman that so often plagued his thoughts lay beside him. Oblivious to his dilemma.
Something must have been showing up on his face, because her hand pressed against his. Thin fingers clutching onto him, brown eyes barely open as she curled up. Liz was holding his hand, a small effort to make him feel better. Reassurance.
Then perhaps she was not as oblivious as he'd previously thought. Did Liz reach out in understanding? Or was it love? Maybe it was both.
Yes. She loved him, despite his flaws and mistakes. Cole turned and looked down at her as she lay curled up on her side, brown messy hair splayed out on her pillow.
Liz simply stared back in the darkness, pupils dilated and almost completely black. Her face was passive as ever in the silvery light coming through the windows. Her fingers traced his knuckles and he felt his arm twitch, the urge to pull her into his arms again almost overwhelming.
There it was again. That blasted feeling.
"I could kill you." He informed, almost amused at how vulnerable she let herself be around him. Slowly succumbing to sleep, beside a demon. What a foolish woman.
"I know. I could kill you, too." The young woman replied, voice sleepy but still full of snark. Groggy. Her eyes drooped ever so slightly. He didn't doubt her words, having seen her in battle when she needed to lend her protection.
"But you wouldn't."
"Never."
This gave him pause and he turned around, staring out the window. Eyes focusing on the moon. His words, a muttered promise, "...Never."
And he wouldn't. He couldn't.