a/n: oh hi, its been two years.

Chapter 13: Confession

First times were always clumsy, but for Anna? Well, she couldn't get clumsier and more nervous than she already was. Who was to say that Anna was a good kisser or a good toucher or just… well, simply, good at sex? Nobody.

She even doubted and questioned whether she was good enough to lay with this hot chick that was all up on her after their first long date together. But she didn't doubt how she was feeling. It was magnificent, it was steamy, it made her feel like she was on cloud nine. And so, of course, she was. Like, who knew making out would feel this good?

She sighed as she tumbled into an unknown bed, pillowy and fluffy beneath her, as the blonde that laid on top of her had lips suckling on Anna's neck. Oh, this was heaven… because in no way would anyone smell this sweet and feel this light and soft on top of her. Anna was completely dazed, high in endorphins and dopamine, staring at the ceiling and not reciprocating the same touches that Elsa had painted on her.

Which, unsurprisingly, quirked Elsa's spine up, slowly sitting up on Anna's stomach, her gentle hands gripping Anna's collar shirt. That managed to catch the girl's attention. "So…" Elsa's raspy voice sounded, her fingers dragging along those velvety bangs, "what now?"

What now? What now? Really? After everything that we have done to get us into this bed, she's asking what now?

Anna chewed on her lip, flavored with Elsa's sweetness, and shrugged. "Um… I mean… we can cuddle?"

Of course, of fucking course, Elsa had to raise a judgemental eyebrow and chuckled in hysteria because who the hell would ask to cuddle when things were getting that heated. "Oh, you're funny, you know. I had to get you out of your shell for quite some time now," she sighed, and like a cat, she slowly arched herself back down to lay against Anna, "but you're actually quite hilarious when you're out of that shell."

Anna didn't think too much of it. She knew she was naturally quiet after everything that's happened to her. And Elsa? Well… Elsa took out what was best of her. In that case, it wouldn't be fair if Anna didn't continue this streak, right?

The redhead tilted her head, boldly wrapping her arms around Elsa's neck, and her eyes wandered to those luscious lips just inches away from her. "I know… otherwise, I wouldn't be in bed with someone like you, would I? Besides, I only asked to cuddle because I didn't think you wanted to get in my pants so bad."

Elsa blinked. Well, that was the first time, Anna managed to get her flustered. She always had the impression that Elsa was a very poised person, but getting that woman to turn bright hot red seemed too easy. "Did I perhaps give you the wrong impression?" Elsa deliberately asked with a pretend-offended tone in her voice.

Anna picked it up fast, her eyes siding Elsa's slender arm. "I mean… I wouldn't say I expected it from someone who looked as cool as ice the moment I set my eyes on you."

"Oh!" Elsa gasped. "You setting your eyes on me, is that right?" She slowly slid back down against Anna, chest to chest, stomach to stomach, lips to jawline. "Clearly, you remembered wrong…" her lips muttered, and Anna could feel the whole world tumbling into the depth of the galaxy with the way Elsa felt her up. It was like a rock had been formed inside Anna's small throat to replace her vocal cords because this was driving her mental.

"Well," Anna gulped. Every single strand of her hair was up, and Elsa's breathing on her neck was just making her crumble even more. Oh, would she love to crumble into a puddle of love. Her fingers slowly rode under Elsa's blue crop-top, feeling the sharp edge of her shoulder blades. "Maybe you can prove me wrong… with… you know," Anna turned, cheek to cheek to Elsa, "having *your* eyes on me."

Elsa chuckled, her braid falling from her back and over her shoulder, and this time, Elsa had shifted to let her hair loose out of her containment. Freeing her other hand from the grip of Anna's neck, she slowly laid a gentle grip on Anna's waist. In all honesty, while this felt so incredibly unreal and unforgivably hot, the redhead knew she had to make a confession. Between this and flirting with this blondy so effortlessly, there were still some things she still was… well, inexperienced about.

With her heart racing, and with how fast Elsa seemed to really want to go right now, Anna immediately shouted, "I'm a virgin!"

A beat had passed, Elsa blinking as she gave themselves some space.

"Oh… you are…?"

"Well," Anna pursed her lips with uncertainty, "Technically I'm… not really a virgin, but - I just never had anyone touch me… like that so… I mean I thought I should just let you know because, well, I mean I don't doubt you've experienced a lot more -"

"So you do have some type of experience."

"Huh - oh, well, yeah, it's just -"

Elsa giggled, kissing Anna on the cheek. "Sorry, you're so cute. It's alright… whatever it is we have to fix, we'll do it together." What felt like an eternity for Anna was over in the blink of an eye, and all she could concentrate on right now were the kisses fluttering on her cheeks. It seemed like… at the moment, virginity or not, that didn't seem to matter as much… and Anna slowly relaxed with a huge smile on her face, knowing Elsa didn't seem to really care.

Well, at this point, Anna could feel like she was a normal human being again.

Anna agreed. Surprisingly, Anna had agreed to take her to the cafe. To Belle. Honestly, just for that very reason, Elsa wasn't feeling quite enthusiastic. As they went along with their night, there was minimal talking at home, although full of knowledge. Elsa could feel that she understood Anna a little more than if she looked back a few weeks ago. But understanding Anna meant… she also understood herself a lot less.

Were they visions? Dreams? No… memories? Or were they deja vu?

For what seemed like hours, Elsa sat in her own office in contemplation with herself and all that had happened so far. It was like she was trapped in her own prison that was her home, and the only way of getting out of this hellish space was to figure out her relationship with Anna. Elsa wasn't dumb. She understood what her brain was trying to piece together. They had a thing together. But why hide it? Why not be honest?

She leaned back in her chair, sighing in a sort of distress that she never knew would be even worse than the day she could barely walk. And while in the middle of the night where the office and the entire apartment were completely empty in silence, Elsa's brain swarmed with those… moans and sultry words she had heard in her head hours before. There was nothing like it. Nothing she had ever experienced with the way she was. Swallowing, she could feel her own cheeks blush, but not because of shyness - but because she didn't know she was capable of even hearing these types of things. Especially when these "types of things" were interactions between her and her roommate.

And that painting? No, Elsa wasn't just going to let that go and forget about it. None of this was a coincidence, and none of this should have been hidden from her. They were a thing. Or at least… they had something.

That piece of paper - that sketch that sat beside her pocket? Elsa felt like if she was going to take another look at it again, she would just hate herself even more. A part of her knew it wasn't just any kind of drawing. Even something as simple as a pencil dancing on a piece of canvas paper, crumbled behind a larger painting must have had some deeper meanings to it. Elsa knew this was never just a drawing. It was never 'just anything' for both of the girls.

"Elsa?" The door creaked open at the sound of Anna's rasped voice, and then appeared her auburn bangs, and those azure eyes, swollen and gray from the lack of sleep. "Hey, why aren't you in bed? It's three in the morning…" At the very least, her voice felt chirpy.

How was Elsa supposed to even react? What the hell was she supposed to say when she had seen all these things, recognizing why Anna would react to things the way she did before. And Belle. Especially with the way she reacted to Belle.

"Oh, I couldn't sleep," Elsa responded, reflecting back nothing but an empty expression. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"You didn't," Anna yawned, closing the door of the office as she entered in. She sat right across Elsa's desk, pajamas and all, with her upper limbs crossed together across her chest. Her eyelids were still trying to flutter awake, and as odd as it may sound, Elsa found that slightly adoring. Yes, everything was just a bit irritating with all these secrets, but with how much Elsa knew about this entire night, she wouldn't even hesitate for a moment to give Anna a benefit of the doubt.

"Why…" Anna murmured. "Couldn't sleep?"

Elsa shrugged, tapping her two fingers on the arm of her chair. "I guess so. I also have much to think about."

"Like?"

That's it. This is where I should just say it. Her throat felt tighter the more she wanted to let it all out. Breathing in felt like she was letting in a gust of dry cold air, making her head hurt inside out. But she had to say it. She needed to. Or else, how was she going to live past her days with Anna? And when their eyes met, there was this pureness, this innocence that glanced right back at her. Now, that was supposed to make her mad, but oddly, Elsa felt contentment. Perhaps, giving Anna the benefit of the doubt helped with controlling her own temper, and tonight must have been a testament to that.

But the thing is… was it really the right time to talk about this? To spare her own torment even though she already knew how much Anna had suffered in the past? Those questions kept nagging her throughout the night, but if anything could help her ease any kind of resentment or curiosity, it would just be to ask. The moment Elsa sighed - and, oh, what a heavy sigh it was - she could feel those words wanting to spill like an overflowing cup of hurt.

"I need to ask you something."

Anna raised an eyebrow. "Sure…"

"Are you… hiding anything from me?"

Surely, that had to be it. The way she noticed Anna's tired eyelids cracked right open immediately, her shoulders tensing like a rock meant this was the direction that Elsa definitely should head into. With her demeanor as calm as a cat, she watched Anna fidget, eyes unmoved, but shining with offense at the new revelation.

"What… What are you talking about?" Anna questioned, her voice squeaking as quiet as a mouse.

"The painting? Of you? That was you right? Did I do that?" Elsa pressed. The silence was deafening, to the point where Elsa realized she was just as nervous as Anna was. Perhaps, that was an overstatement, but the fact was, she anticipated too many scenarios when she asked that very first question. Anna could run, Anna could deny the entire fact, Anna could get angry, and it felt like everything was up against her once again. It felt like things were never going to change between them with how quiet Anna was. But even the lack of words coming from Anna was an answer to the blonde.

Swiping her abandoned bangs away from her face, Elsa shut her eyes and lowered her chin. "So, I did paint that. For you." No answer meant that had to be the conclusion.

"You went through my room…" Anna responded back, guarded and undeniably upset.

"And you've been keeping me under the ground."

"I… Elsa, I can explain -"

"Did you really have to hide all of this from me?" Elsa slowly stood up, her strides slow and small as she walked around her desk and sat on it in front of Anna. At this point, she couldn't even be bothered with feeling weak in the legs or feeling her heart race. With all things considered, this "whatever" relationship they had together was of its utmost importance. Elsa realized that.

And with the two looking at each other with such honesty and such uncertainty, Elsa was sure to fix this. Even if it meant she had to break down this facade that Anna had to put up - this… complete show. But so what? So what if Elsa wasn't sure if what she was remember were real? So what if that painting wasn't hers to paint? And so what if that painting and that sketch were ever hers? What had she got to lose? A friend? Something else? In all honesty, Elsa had lost more than anyone could ever imagine.

Anna glanced down at her lap, almost defeated, but for a second, it was like Anna didn't really feel any fault in this. "I wasn't going to hide it from you for long, Elsa." She glanced up. "What we were, I mean."

A beat passed, and Elsa could feel her tight heart getting squeezed even further. "What… we were?" She had to be certain. She needed to be. But then, that meant she had another question to ask herself: do I still feel the same way as before? "So what were we, Anna?"

The redhead stood up as well, and though there was a slight height difference between them, and while Elsa expected some sort of intimacy with how close they were standing together, it was like Anna knew not to disrespect her confusion and anger. so all Anna could do was hold their distance. The question, though, didn't make any of this easier - in fact, all Elsa could do was dread. Anticipate.

"I didn't know if you were ready for it," Anna whispered, warm breath caressing Elsa's lips. This was unsettling as it could get. "I didn't know if I could speak to you. I didn't know how."

This was torturous. "I have so much I don't know about myself, Anna. I've learned more about you over the past months than I know about myself. Isn't this what I deserve?"

Anna swallowed, eyes racing between the two pale hands that gripped the edge of the desk. "Maybe I was just trying to save myself from the pain." She paused. This was seemingly going too smoothly, and Elsa did not like that. "Do you recall anything?" Once those teal eyes, hopeful eyes, stared right at her, Elsa froze. She knew Anna was just trying to get ahead of herself but were there any other good ways to tell her not to? It was so obvious - so obvious in how much Anna adored Elsa. The other Elsa. But Elsa was not her, never could be.

But Elsa couldn't deny the fact that she did recall memories. "Some."

"Then -"

"Then what were we?" Elsa repeated, determined for an answer.

And it was like there was no hesitation. Like Anna was just ready to get it out of her system. "Lovers," she answered. As a matter of fact.

"For how long?" Like it mattered. No, of course, it mattered. Just how much did Anna love her? Did she love Elsa that much to keep this a secret? Was it wrong?

"Two years. Two long years of ups and downs… you were - are family to me." There was that hopeful voice - that rise that led to Anna stepping closer, to Anna's hand reaching for Elsa's cheek.

"Then why did you hide this from me?" Those words must have struck a nerve to Anna because of the way she winced, the way her less visible eye bags grew darker. Elsa stayed unmoved, emotions being checked because in any case, she didn't want any of them to cause any more hurt.

"Because… I was terrified." Anna whispered like she didn't even want Elsa to hear her excuse, "I hid it from you because I didn't know how you'd see me, and… I didn't lose you. More of you."

More of me.

"Did you love me?" Elsa questioned, her eyebrows furrowed together, simply begging for Anna to not answer this one. Like a whisper in the wind, Anna mouthed the question in the repetition to herself, aqua eyes searching for any kind of love that Elsa had. There it was again - that lingering hope, that silent wish for Elsa to reflect the same feelings that Anna had reflected in her eyes. It was so strange… so strange to see how love can change one's demeanor. Like everything that was sane and pure in Anna turned into desperation as soon as the word love muttered out of Elsa's lips. Because in the end, why wouldn't Anna be desperate for her love?

"Yeah… I did," Anna chuckled, "I do. You gave me everything that I had hoped for. Everything that I thought I lost. If you had known how much I love you and care for you… how much we meant to each other -"

"But that's just what we were. Right?"

There it was. Anna tensed. Only then, when the tips of Anna's fingers grazed the hair on Elsa's sideburns, did the blonde quickly grasp it. Pulled it away. Those glimmers in Anna's pupils faded into the night. This was going to be hard, because regardless…

"I'm sorry, Anna…" As if a gentle squeeze of her hand on Anna's would soothe any heartache. "I don't feel the same way. Not anymore."

What was there to be said? Anna didn't say anything, even though her shocked expression betrayed her and her hand slowly fell to her side, the touch of her fingertips still trembling with the lingering feeling of Elsa's cheek on her skin. And, though, this was the truth, and Elsa felt nothing more than bad about this, she was willing to put everything into making Anna feel better.

And before Elsa could start with any comforting, the first tear finally trailed down Anna's cheek as their gaze broke. Seeing Anna like this… reminded her of the day they were in that hospital. It was not the sight she ever looked forward to remembering. Oh, the irony.

After the first tear, came a slight smile. "I… well, this wasn't completely expected," Anna responded. "I've actually… I've never given up. Not on you. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I will always see you the way you always saw me."

"Anna…"

"So whatever you feel for me right now, I'm okay with. As long as you keep me by your side… as long as you don't see me as the bad guy, I'm okay with you not feeling the way you did."

Elsa gritted her teeth. Was this really the solution? She didn't know hearing such neutral and accepting words would turn knives into her heart, but… she felt like she couldn't accept it. Yet, she couldn't say a word of love, encouragement, or apology, because this was exactly how she truly felt. How could she apologize for it? How could she lead Anna on?

Sighing, Elsa knew that despite her true feelings, there was one thing that was true to her: she did care for Anna.

Raising her hand, she palmed Anna's cheek lightly, her thumb catching the trail of tears born from her eyes. Her fingers were dressed with Anna's hair, and she gave her a pat like an adult would to a troubled child. "You never were the bad guy, Anna. I'm sorry I treated you so harshly." Anna's dimple really showed this time through the cracks of her smile. "How are you not upset at me?"

"Who says I'm not? Not at you, of course. I just… at this point, I just don't want to hurt you more than I already have. You deserve your happiness."

Elsa didn't trust this. "What about you? What about your happiness?"

Anna chuckled. Elsa could still hear the tightened throat and raspy voice from the redhead controlling her sobs. "It's right in front of me."

And despite all that she had said to Anna, that right there was enough to make Elsa's heart rip to pieces. It was enough to make Elsa realize… Anna didn't deserve this. Such an innocent and pure woman, loving someone who was this undeserving of her care and love? How could Elsa ever deserve to feel the same way? Feeling her sun-kissed cheek on her own palm, hearing her gentle voice guiding her, and seeing Anna just stand this close in front of her must have felt so different if only Elsa knew what it was like to be Anna's lover. In the end, perhaps, if she knew, she would've been happy. Content - content with being her girlfriend again.

But this was different. Instead of feeling the love that she should've felt, all she wanted was for Anna to have someone better. Different. Unbroken.