Here we go... This is my first story I've ever published, please be patient x
Thanks to my friends who encouraged me to continue the writing and special thanks to Georgia who did the beta-reading!
I hope you'll enjoy the story xx

Wish you all the best!

HousekeeperatHeart

Chapter 1 – What about her?

The moon was shining through the clouds outside, lightening the way for the wind blowing in the trees. Almost all of the lights were turned off at the big house, only a few left, in the hallway near the gallery. The servants' hallway was not illuminated, it was still, every door closed and behind them sleeping servants. Except for one.

Darkness stirred the comfortable room and left it in a peaceful silence. It was a nice room though, one of the bigger ones and with only one bed. Not all of the staff had a large room or even a room for themselves, the higher ranked ones had.

But, there were certain moments when the walls seemed to come nearer. Everything seemed too close, soaking up all of the little air left to breathe, when throats got tight and every breath was hard work.

The silence was interrupted by the shuffling of the blankets, followed by a deep exhale. It was another sleepless night with another day of exhaustion and tiredness to come. She was wide awake and, listening to the silence, tried to sleep. She forced herself to focus on something silly to stop her mind catching on the same thoughts over and over again. Angry about herself for the inability to drift off to sleep she turned on her back and dropped her arms above the blankets.

She really needed some rest, she had gone like this for several days now and did not know how to manage any more of this. Of course she was worn down inside and she needed all her energy for getting everything done with that pile of work at the moment. She could handle it all, no doubts about that, there had been rougher times and she had coped with them too. It just would be nice if she got a bit more sleep to avoid the headache in the afternoon.

She turned to the left, trying to make out how late it was. Her eyes had already adjusted to the darkness a while ago, thus, it was not necessary to turn on the nightlight. 1:27 a.m. – for about two hours she was tossing and turning in her bed, removing the blankets when she felt the heat crawling up to her chest only to catch them right after because she was freezing and almost shaking.

Despite the fact that it was not her duty to lock up the doors and check on everything before going to bed she had stayed this evening until everyone had left. There was no need to stay up that late, but as a housekeeper she considered to have it that way, at least sometimes. Everyone had a lot to do and they shared the task of locking up. She had taken over this time and as a welcome side effect focusing on a bit of work distracted her and prevented her from falling into this melancholic mood.

Lying on her back again she stared at the ceiling, eyes halfway closed, without focussing anything certain. Her mind drifted off, went through the latest events and finally got stuck on him. This had been going on for a while now. Whenever she turned off thinking her brain became self-employed and got back to something it could link with him. This time it was about his desk, to be more certain the photo on his desk.

The whole situation was so strange. She pursed her lips and kept asking herself why. Was it really necessary to let the picture frame for him? She knew it would screw her up and sink a knife in her heart. But it was for him.

To see his face lighten up when he expected nothing, at least that.
To see his light, yet genuine and rare smile.

Her chest was filled with joy and her stomach was a topsy-turvy world.
When they were together to share a good chat or even laughter her pulse quickened immediately. The way his deep sonorous voice filled the air and the wrinkles danced at the corner of his eyes. His eyes. Such warm and dear eyes with a touch of happiness when she had handed over the photo and he had unwrapped it. Seeing his holy picture of an old but gone love had sent so many emotions to him, she could definitely tell that. However, something in her chest had dropped.
She was not jealous, well, she thought she was not. She was happy to see emotions emerge out of his hidden soul and heart.

She was not angry at him for that. She did not open up to everyone about her sister, who was part of her life, but it was not necessary to let everyone know about. This was a part of his life she did not know and would never get to know properly.

She was sad. Sad about the fact, that he hid his past like the King his jewellery and that he would never look at her the way he had looked at the picture. It was good for him to be reminded that he had a heart, but it was just the wrong picture. She had thought of getting a picture of herself and replace the other one, but what for? What would he do with a picture of someone who did not mean that much to him? She was a colleague, she guessed, an esteemed one maybe, but nothing more.

With a lump in her throat she had tried to act normal. Somehow she had managed to talk normally and with an even voice when she had given it to him, but she had been and was still broke that he was so keen on that woman on the picture. She recovered from that, little and slow steps towards feeling alright. Sometimes she even forgot about the whole matter, but in silent moments like this all of it came back out of the sudden, like a ghost haunting her.

Alice… she did not even like the sound of the name. She was not one to gossip or talk badly about her, but unlikely she found that Alice a bit disagreeable. She did not even know the woman, but there was something inside that made her feel awkward whenever he mentioned her…

It was quite odd how the issue had begun weeks ago. She still could recall the words that had been said, the whole situation had left some scratches on her heart….

When she had walked down the hallway to the kitchen to fetch a cup of tea she had seen him rummaging around in a box full of old stuff. Thinking of nothing and lingering around she had just stepped into the room asking what he was doing.

Of course she had seen the flyer of the "Cheerful Charlies", but it had been ages ago when Charles Grigg had turned up the first time. They had never spoken of him since then, but when she had found the letter he had written to Mr. Carson she had remembered him immediately. Standing in front of his desk she had watched him fiddling with some yellowed sheets of paper and greeting cards, certainly searching for something. Of course he would deny looking for something, but she knew him too well, he could not fool her.

Unlike him she had not been pleased as he found the picture he was looking for. His mood had changed to a more nostalgic and sentimental one. How he had turned and held the photo – like something very precious. He had told her she was a friend at a time ago.

It had ached her to see him like that, despite the fond memories he seemed to keep, there had been pain and trouble as well as hurt in his look.

She had not wanted to trigger the melancholic direction this talk had been heading to, but she knew that Charles Carson kind of denied to talk about his time before his employment as a servant. He had always closed up or cut off the sentence when anything had pointed to something of his life before. But when he did close up he could get extremely grumpy and an unpleasant fellow. She had always tried to cheer him up or to make him speak about the matter that concerned him. So she had done then, because she cared, always had, always would.

She had been interested in the name of the woman in the photo, a young, pretty woman. Smiling halfway, a bit of a helpless, unsure and dishonest smile, she had asked politely.

"Alice. Alice Neal", he had responded to her question as if he had forgotten himself and just remembered it. Sensing what she had suspected at the way he behaved she had suggested he had been fond of her.

Somehow, she was lucky for him to remember this feeling what she felt all over the time being with him. Nevertheless, he had seemed to still like her very much. He had not needed to point out that he had really loved her and it wasn't quite obvious that he ever stopped at some point.

Relieved that he had been going on with talking she had listened. She had understood him so damn well, it choked her with pity and sadness, not only because of him. But he had needed someone to talk to, thus it had been her time to listen and to step back and put her own feelings away, regardless how damaged and hurt she had been and still was.

When he had finished she had been too contemplative about the fact he loved a woman she had never known and at his abrupt cut she had got a bit snappy. By his bewildered look she could almost touch the awkwardness of the situation, thus she had managed to get out of it extremely soon.

She had been so confused and did not want to talk to this about anyone so she had just got right back to her pantry and closed the door immediately.

"What kind of weird conversation was that?!", she had murmured to herself. Chewing on her bottom lip she had held onto the handle to make sure that nobody could see her as an emotional messy nervous wreck. Tears had filled her eyes and made their way down her rosy cheeks. She had repeated the scene in her inner mind over and over, repeating his words.

They had never discussed his love life or other feelings concerning this matter before. Well, they had talked a few times about Joe, the farmer, who wanted to marry Mrs Hughes and also proposed to her two times, but they have never really discussed the past of Mr. Carson. They had talked about Charles Grigg when he had stood at the threshold of the Abbey and Mr. Carson had told her what had happened and who his former performing companion was. Yet, both of them had never mentioned it ever since. They had never talked of his past as a "Cheerful Charlie" again, not even thought of Charles Carson as a man who had loved a certain, now dead woman called Alice Neal.

She rubbed her forehead and she wished she had never been so curious about it. It was all her own fault. Why did she behave like that? It clearly was because of him or rather the emotions coming up when she thought of him, but the whole thing had turned her mind upside down. All those feelings she had locked up came up to her throat now, burning in her eyes.

Not only her aching affection for him, but everything what had happened within the last weeks. The issue which had happened to Anna at the house party and Mr. Bates investigations, his Lordship's birthday and now the preparations for the family to stay in a hotel in London due to construction works in their own house. There was some other work that had to be done and her mind could not get rid of organising and taking notes.

At least she had established, more maintained the good relationship to Mr. Carson, though she had never told him about any of that. She had not found quite the right time and a moment of rest to talk to him properly. As long as they got along with each other and had some nice talks she was happy. Happy for sharing his presence, delighted when he considered her opinion, but also sad to be alone and feel incomplete when he left the room.

She furrowed, screw up her eyes and pressed her lips together so hard till it hurt. Silent tears were running down her cheeks and she pressed a hand to her mouth when she was about to sob uncontrollably, right the same way she ended up in her pantry after discovering the photo.

That's it so far. I hope you've enjoyed it.
I'd like to hear what you think x