Hellooo. This is my first fic ever so please bare with me and be nice! All constructive criticism is absolutely appreciated tho. I wrote this because my baby JJ deserves the world (it's going to be a wild ride before he gets it here) and I personally want to see the man behind the curtain that is Rafe Cameron. This is a JJxOC as well as a RafexOC. Ryder is 17 years old so she's a year older than our Pogues and 2 years younger than Rafe. Ryder is biracial (black and white) just to give some insight on what i see as my Ryder. I hope you enjoy this first chapter! It's about to get dark.

TW: addiction, slight suicidal thoughts

Chapter One

365 days. 365 battles. 365 conscious choices to ignore the voice in the back of my head to crack open a bottle. As I looked down at the shimmering bronze chip, I couldn't help but feel...nothing. I know going a whole year without teetering over the edge is something that should fill me with pride, but looking at the coin in my hand it just felt condescending. I deserve a god damn parade topped with fireworks and dancing elephants for choosing to stay sober through all the bullshit I continue to have to endure.

Truth be told the whole ceremony was incredibly pretentious, but I knew it'd make my parents happy, which is something I couldn't do for them for quite some time now. I'm sure having a child who became an addict before she became an adult was never something they expected, but they never made me feel bad about it, which of course made me feel so much worse. They didn't deserve the bullshit I put them through.

There hasn't been a day in the past year I haven't regretted the way everything went down. I shouldn't have put them in the position to find me the way that they did. I should've never put them in a position where they thought they could lose the one child they had left, but fucking up is my strong suit. It had been a particularly awful day in a sea of particularly awful days and the usual dose wasn't making the noise go away like it normally did. So I doubled the dose. Then quadrupled it. And the next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed. Alone. To this day I'm grateful for those 10 minutes by myself to assess how badly I had fucked up, since as soon as my parents had come back from the cafeteria rehab was 100% solidified.

I'd always been known dabble in things I shouldn't have back when I was in the OBX. I smoked weed with friends on the cut, and on the rare occasions I found myself in Kooklandia, I rarely said no to a line or a pill. It wasn't until I left the island though, that it became more of a dependency than a delicacy. Moving across country away from the only friends and family i've ever known brought me close to the edge, but it wasn't until I lost my twin brother, Ricky, that I completely fell.

Ricky and I were as close as two people could be. We shared a womb for Christ's sake. So one could imagine the pain I felt when I lost the closest thing to me, the pain I desperately tried to drown out. He was my better half in every sense of the word. We were both tall but he was the athletic one. The charming one. The musically inclined one. The twin everyone wanted to be around. I'm sure everyone secretly wishes it was me in the driver's seat... i know I do.

I also know he'd make some epically sweet speech after the ceremony congratulating me on trying to better myself and sticking to it. I tear up at the thought of that speech. At the thought of the hug that would undoubtedly follow. God he gave the most amazing hugs.

Just as I'm about to have a good old fashioned Ryder meltdown, the group leader wraps up the ceremony and sends us on our way. I make a beeline for the bathroom and listen to the last voicemail I got from Rick the night of the accident.

"Hey Ry. I got your message and I'm on my way. Please just—please stay put. I'm coming. I love you."

As sad as it may be, his voice is still the one thing that calms me down, even when his death is usually what sends me spiraling.

Just as I was about to click on another one, my mom walks through the bathroom door, tears in her eyes and her arms stretched out. I don't even have a chance to get myself together before I'm engulfed in her arms. By now we're both full blown sobbing in the middle of a

church gym's bathroom, but we don't care. I can breathe a little easier when wrapped in my mother's arms. I think she can too.

"I'm sorry," I said for what felt like the millionth time in a year and a half. "I just—I—"

"I know honey. Me too," she said as she held me even tighter. "You know how proud he would be right? He'd have set up an entire parade in your honor and you know it."

That made me smile harder than I have in months. We both hesitantly untangle our arms and begin washing our faces in silence. My dad was waiting by the door and immediately cracked a huge grin when he saw me walk out. The grin didn't reach his eyes, but none of ours did anymore.

"I'm so proud of you baby girl," he whispered in my hair as he hugged me.

"Thanks dad. Thank you for never giving up on me."

Another lump in my throat was beginning to form. Would i ever stop crying?

"Never kiddo," he said. "Never."

I pulled away quicker than I should have to wipe the tears that were falling down my face yet again.

After a quick bite to eat I had my parents drop me off at the diner my best friend Caleb serves at, "to celebrate" what he calls a major victory. Maybe the term only friend would be more applicable. Other teenagers aren't too keen on seeing the messier side of their favorite pastimes, so all of my "friends" vanished just as quick as my resolve when I first started to spiral. All except Caleb.

My former best friend Tiana swore he was in love with me, but she couldn't fathom the thought of a platonic male and female friendship since she's slept with every guy she considered a friend, including Caleb. If I'm being honest I think Caleb just likes the idea of fixing people. He's always working on some new transformation project and can spot something that needs to be rebranded a mile away. He was actually the first friend I made here in California.

He was incredibly handsome; 6'3, Black and Mexican with the most beautiful curly hair i'd ever seen. He took better care of his curls than I ever could. If it weren't for him sending me new hair products every two weeks, I'm sure i'd be bald. In another lifetime, where I wasn't so emotionally and physically scarred, maybe we'd be together. But we were in this lifetime. The lifetime where I hadn't let anyone get near me since the night I lost my brother.

Caleb truly was the best friend i've ever had; always making sure i've eaten, getting me home on time so my parents never had anything to hold against him, and giving me my fair share of resuscitation showers. He helped me as much as he could when i lost Ricky. He damnear moved into the house for three months after the accident because he said he wouldn't be able to sleep not knowing if i was okay. I've done nothing to warrant such love and loyalty from him, but he gives it anyway. Without asking or expecting anything in return.

He reminded me a lot of JJ. Much more levelheaded but loyal almost to a fault, just like the blonde. Both were willing to do almost anything for the ones they called family. I didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of either of them.

I sighed into my third milkshake just as Caleb sat across from me in the booth.

"What's up Buttercup?" he asked. "That sigh shouldn't be coming from someone who's just hit their year mark."

"I'm just tired," I lied. Not really a lie when even breathing was exasperating.

"Ryder," he deadpanned. "Are we really gonna do this?"

He's been looking right through me since the day I met him in freshman P.E. We'd both lied to get out of the mile and while we were sitting in the bleachers he gave me tips on how to lie to adults better. The tips worked on parents and teachers, but he was still the master and I hadn't learned how to defeat him yet.

"I'm not lying," I argued back.

"Fine. You don't wanna talk about it, I won't push," he said as he got up from the booth. "Let me go clock out and i'll take you home."

I nodded as he went into the back of the restaurant. I dropped some money on the table for the shakes and walked up to the front door to wait for him just as a group of kids from our school walked in, including Tiana. All of them except her walked by me like I was a stranger instead of someone they sent all their "thoughts and prayers" to just a year and a half ago.

"Hey um...how did today go?" Tiana asked hesitantly.

"What do you mean?" I ask just to see her squirm.

"I know today marks a year. Just wanted to check on you."

"Its convenient I was here at the door then huh?" I say sarcastically. The bitch hadn't texted or called in a year, and I knew if I hadn't been standing at the door right when she walked in, we would've gone another with no communication.

She sighs and looks down and I actually start to feel bad. I shouldn't hold it against her for leaving when things started to go left. I was drowning. She was smart enough to know if she held on, I would've taken her under too.

But even after i'd gotten sober, she didn't reach out. And that hurt, horribly. Granted, I didn't reach out either, but I didn't think she wanted to have anything to do with me. I obviously was right.

"Well you look good. I'm really proud of you," she says defeated. She didn't look me in the eye.

"Thank you," I say. "It uh...it means a lot. For real."

Just as she looks up like she's going to say something else, Caleb walks up.

"Ready to go?" he asks, assessing the situation.

"Yep. Bye Tiana."

"Bye Ryder. Bye Caleb."

"Later T," he says as he opens the door. While we're heading to the car, he looks at me with a weird expression on his face.

"Are you having a stroke orrr..."

He laughs as we hop in his jeep.

"Just never thought I'd see the day you were cordial with her. Hell hath no fury like a Ryder scorned."

"Caleb shut the fuck up," I laugh as he pulls out of the driveway.

If I'm being honest with myself, I never thought I'd see the day either. But if there's one universal fact, it's that things change. Feelings, situations, they're all temporary. I don't remember when it started, but my grudge against her has definitely lost a lot of its potency, and I'm grateful. I know we still have a very long ways to go, but tonight was the first few steps. And it felt good. Like the rain cloud above me was beginning the shift.

Caleb pulls up to my house and cuts the car off. I unbuckle my seatbelt as I see him turn to me out of the corner of my eye.

"I'm proud of you, you know."

Sighing, I turn to face him.

"Don't start getting soft on me now bruh," I chuckle.

"Yeah yeah I know this isn't a relationship that runs on affection and real emotion," he laughs sarcastically. "But I just need you to get through your thick skull that I love you and I have never been more proud. I know the road hasn't been easy, but you did it."

I curse my body for betraying me and forming tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, again. Seriously, will I ever fucking stop?

"That means everything to me Caleb. Thank you. Seriously."

I reach in for a hug and immediately recoil.

"Dude what the fuck! You smell like you bathed in frying grease! Ugh my god let me the fuck out of this car Caleb!"

By the time I'm out of the car we're both laughing hysterically.

"I love you dude. Go take a shower," I manage to get out in between laughs.

I watch as he pulls off with a smile on my face as I walk through my door. He always makes me feel better effortlessly. I honestly have no idea what I did to deserve someone like him in my life.

The vibe quickly changes as I walk in to see both of my parents sitting at the table in silence, like they were waiting for me. I check the clock just above them to see if I missed curfew but it's only 9:30...I have an hour and a half left. I realize quickly that something is truly wrong when I notice the tears in my mother's eyes.

"Mom? Dad? What's going on?" I ask nervously.

"Sit down sweetie," my dad says.

Neither of them looked at me. My mom was looking down at the table, frozen in place and my dad was watching her.

"Okay seriously you're scaring me. What the hell is going on?"

Just as I'm starting to get irritated my mom hands me her iPad with a news article on it. I quickly realize it's the local news from our hometown, the Outer Banks, with a headline reading, "Two Teens Presumed Dead After Fleeing Pursuit Straight Into Storm." My palms immediately begin to sweat along with my accelerated heart rate as I continue to read the story.

Time stands still as I read his name. John Booker Routledge.

A strangled sob escapes my throat as I fall into the chair I don't remember pulling out. I look up to my parents for some sort of clarification, but all I see is the same despair in their eyes that I feel in myself. One of my oldest friends. Dead. No longer breathing. I immediately think of my cousin Pope and read more to find the second name. Sarah Cameron. What the hell was John B doing running from a police pursuit straight into a storm with Sarah Cameron? It didn't make any fucking sense.

I feel the anger rising in me like bile as I stand up from the table.

"Where are you going Ryder?" I hear my mother ask, but she sounds like she's miles away.

I can't bring myself to answer as I walk into my room and close the door. As soon as I hear the latch click I fall to ground as sobs rack my body. I thought I knew sadness and grief, but this was something new entirely. This was anguish, outrage, and unimaginable guilt wrapped into one. How can someone as kindhearted and good as John B be gone, when someone like me was still breathing. How could I lose someone else so violently again?

How fitting it was though, on my one year anniversary of getting sober, i get a perfect reason to want to relapse dropped at my feet. Fuck. I need to call my sponsor. I need to call Pope. I need a drink.

I pull myself off the floor and head to my closet. I pull out a shoebox I haven't pulled out in months and open it to find my stash. I pull out my container of xanax and just hold it, staring at it. Now I'm crying even harder than before. I chuck the pills back into the box and put it back in it's place, trying to stifle the violent sobs coming my chest.

He can't be gone. He just can't be. Why was he running from the police? What was so bad that he ran straight into a storm in an open boat? With a kook? Why were the best people in my life being taken from me? One by one.

I was so lost in thought I almost didn't hear my mom coming through my door. Neither of us said anything, she just lied right next to me on the floor and hugged me until there was nothing left but darkness.