A/n: JK Rowling say that Book 3 was the easiest to write, I'm finding the inverse to be true but we shall persevere; updates may be slower but that's hopefully so we don't compromise on quality, so please bare with me.
Kurt was woken by the loud and steadily repetitive clanging sound of metal on metal; as he tried to make heads or tails of himself he was hindered by the pounding in his head. Kurt soon came to realise that he was lying on something cold and hard; the floor, his eyes shot wide open at this realisation but he would soon learn what a grave mistake that had been. As he opened his eyes he was greeted by an intense burning sensation that prompted him to croak, "Turn off the sun."
"Rise and shine!" His father bellowed across what he now recognised to be the great room, "Morning is here and it's time to face the consequences of drinking; let us bask in the glory of our hangovers and go buy our school supplies."
Kurt moved into a sitting position on the wooden floor where he'd been sleeping, his head started spinning and stomach churned violently, "I think I'm going to be sick." He ran to the adjoined half bath and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl, the heterogeneous hydrochloric mixture burned his throat as it was coming up but he couldn't stop himself. When the vomit stopped coming he reclined on the bathroom floor, "I smell homeless."
Kurt eventually got to his feet and moved to rejoin the land of the living, upon entering the great room he found his friends sitting in a dishevelled mess of last night's clothes, it was Finn who was first to speak, his voice didn't rise above a whisper, "Why aren't you wearing pants?"
Kurt slowly looked down and saw his bare pale legs, "I don't know, why aren't I wearing pants?"
"You insisted on changing into your pyjamas," His father chuckled loudly, "you said that you refused to sleep in an Alaïa and we couldn't make you but then you only took off your pants."
"Sounds like me," Kurt was leaning the couch, "why isn't anyone else throwing up?"
"I think I threw up in the cab," Hermione groaned with a grimace, "I can still taste it."
"I can't taste anything," Finn stuck out his tongue and tried to look at it.
"I'm so thirsty," Harry whispered hoarsely.
Kurt's father handed them each a glass of water and an aspirin, "Drink that, then the four of you can go up to your rooms and get ready for Diagon Alley; hurry down for breakfast."
"You are so evil," Kurt took his pill and chugged the glass of water desperately, the pain in his throat was slightly alleviated. The group of four teenagers disappeared up the stairs, each off to take a shower and wash last night's adventure off themselves.
Kurt entered his bedroom on the third landing and was grateful he hadn't slept in there; everything was as white as he'd left it and it would have been a travesty to mar that with chunder. He lazily made his way to his bathroom; tossing last night's clothes in the hamper as he did so. Kurt ran his shower extra hot as he brushed the putrid taste from his mouth; he jumped in the searing hot shower and washed the previous day away with great care. Kurt's mind was foggy but he could recall bits and pieces of the previous day's activities; the general consensus was that he and his friends had enjoyed themselves but at the back of his head loomed the question of whether his current pain was worth the previous day's enjoyment.
Kurt had removed his contact lenses in an effort to avoid any unnecessary discomfort, he was liberal with his moisturising routine in an effort to prevent drying out, he put on an outfit consistent with the cloudy weather and finished with a grey beanie as he was too tired to perfect his hair. By the time he made it downstairs for breakfast everybody was waiting for him, looking just as held together as he did, he slipped in beside Finn and looked down at his breakfast with tired eyes.
"Eat up," Carole mused with a small smile, "it will help with the hangover."
Kurt drank his orange juice and began to slowly eat his waffles and bacon with a healthy lathering of maple syrup. He didn't know why he was bothering, it would be asinine to believe he could keep this food down in his current state but he followed the instructions none the less.
"Did we have a deep meaningful conversation last night?" Finn asked through hooded lids.
Harry shook his head but looked to regret it, "I don't think so."
"You were asleep," Hermione whispered in reply, "I think it started after Kurt was accosted by that man."
"The one who called me a bird," Kurt turned to his black coffee, "He sounded like he was from Newcastle but his tan threw me off."
"You made a friend?" Carole smiled.
"He asked me if I wanted to fellate him."
"I've never heard it put that way," Carole giggled.
"Eat up so we can go," His dad had a sinister smile as he spoke loudly.
"You have got to be kidding me," Finn groaned.
"Nope," His father collected their crockery and dumped it in the sink, pointing them toward the stairs, "Off we go."
"I'll bake more cake," Carole declared as they trudged out the family room.
"More?" Hermione raised a brow.
His father gave a great booming laugh, "You, Kurt and Finn attacked it with your hands after declaring 'I want that inside me'."
The three teens blushed violently as they piled into his father's car. Kurt attempted to get a little shut eye as they navigated the streets of London but as part of the lesson his father decided to blare Kurt's own Celine Dion CD at maximum volume, or at least it felt like maximum volume as Celine flawlessly hit the notes on The Power of Love; Jennifer Rush was turning in her grave, of that Kurt was sure. Kurt soon found that falling asleep wasn't his greatest struggle of the morning, he was still plagued with great difficulty of keeping his breakfast down; he thought he'd nearly lost it on a two of the sharp corners they had encountered.
By the time they reached the seedy London pub that would grant them access to Diagon Alley all four teens shuddered at the sight of it; every sight and smell in the Leaky Cauldron made his stomach churn. He had never been so grateful to make it out into the dingy courtyard out behind the bar, somebody who had better mastery of their motor skills tapped the bricks and revealed the crowded and loud alley that was hidden there.
His father led them through the throngs of people to the great alabaster building of Gringotts, they moved over to the same counter they had used several times before.
"Good morning," the goblin spoke in a nasal voice as though he had a stuffy nose, "How can I help you?"
"Hi, Allergies?" His father casually leaned on the raised platform.
"Unfortunately," the goblin rolled his eyes, "you making pleasantries isn't helping, I'd like to do my job so if you don't mind."
"Sure," His father's smile fell as he dipped into the pocket of his jeans, "I'd like to exchange my money for some Galleons."
Kurt's father handed over a stack of notes, the cashier counted them out and handed back a small leather bag, "Will that be all?" His father nodded to the affirmative; the cashier smiled and bellowed, "Next!"
Hermione approached the cashier and repeated the process, and finally Harry said something that surprised Kurt, "I'd like to access my vault."
"You'd like to access your vault hey?" the Goblin leaned over the counter, "Well you're in the wrong line for that! This is the currency exchange!"
"Then why do you keep asking people how you can help them if this counter does one thing?" Harry countered equally as loud before grabbing his temple.
"They have vaults here?" Kurt finally caught on to the conversation, "Why don't I have a vault?"
"Not now," Finn put his hand over Kurt's mouth to silence him as they switched lines.
It seemed like they waited an eternity for the family in front of them to find their key but they were finally helped by a much older looking goblin, "Good morning, how might I help you?"
"I'd like to enter my vault," Harry spoke softly this time.
"Do you have your key?" the cashier asked politely, Harry produced his key in what seemed to be light speed in comparison to the family in front of them. The man smiled pleasantly, "Very well, Griphook!"
Griphook, a goblin himself, appeared from the wings and gestured for Harry to follow. Harry turned to his friends who were leaning on each other for leverage, "Are you coming?"
"Why not?" Hermione shrugged, pulling Kurt and Finn along with her. They descended a flight of stairs into what Kurt could only describe as the medieval version of a London Underground station, Griphook gestured for them to enter the small rail cart.
"Is it safe?" Kurt pursed his lips as he looked at the rickety topless cart, the expansive and primitive looking tunnel, "it won't cave in or anything?"
"Really?" Finn asked tiredly, "Even in this state you have enough brain power to worry?"
Hermione extended a steadying and invitational hand out for Kurt, "Come on, people have been taking these carts for eons without incidence."
Kurt climbed in beside Hermione and the cart started moving off; slowly at first but it accelerated exponentially in a short space of time. Kurt cursed himself as the cart moved at great speed in a gradual decent; the looked to be coming to a dead end when the cart began to plunge, still on the tracks, till the came to a great and expansive cavern that looked to stretch beyond the limits of even the farthest of the London boroughs.
"I'm ready to die," Kurt groaned as the cart slowed to a stop in a narrow corridor with doors on both ends. Harry and Griphook got out but nobody else seemed to have the strength to move. When they returned Harry's oversized pants were struggling to stay at waste level under the great weight of the coins in his pockets.
Once more the cart took off, going in reverse this time, back the way they had come. The cart slowed to a snail pace as they ascended the final stretch, looking straight down at their potential doom, Kurt felt his stomach churn but it was Finn who parted with his breakfast; a stream of grey liquid descending into the darkness.
"Does somebody have gum?" Finn groaned as the cart came a stop in the same ancient underground station.
After Kurt's first venture into the bowels of Gringotts, all four teens were ready to die; the cart ride down there was the most tumultuous experience of Kurt's life and he would not soon repeat it by choice. They had decided that the first thing they needed to buy were books because there were most of them considering Kurt and Hermione were doing twelve subjects a piece.
Their group trudged over to Flourish and Blotts, Kurt had never seen the bookstore particularly crowded but today it looked deserted; the display in the window wasn't promoting Gilderoy Lockhart's books as it had been the previous year but rather had vicious animals shaped rather similarly to books dismembering each other.
"Good day," the shop attendant's smile faltered when he looked their dishevelled state over, "You're not taking Care for Magical Creatures are you?" He looked frightened as Kurt, Hermione and Harry nodded slowly, "You'll be wanting one of those, would you like a belt with that?"
Kurt watched the man approaching the cage in the window, he donned elbow length dragon hide gloves and moved to the cage.
"Just two," Harry called out after him, "Hagrid sent me one for my birthday along with a cryptic note."
"Not more Nancy Drew," Finn groaned from where he'd perched himself on the counter.
"Not quite," Harry shrugged, "By the way, I'm not sure if I remembered to thank you for the new Quidditch protective gear Kurt."
"You sent a note," Kurt smiled, "I know it's important to you."
The shop attending returned with two copies of The Monster Book of Monsters, each bound shut with a thick brown belt. Kurt grimaced, "You don't happen to have a black belt, brown won't go with this outfit." The shop attendant growled, "Sorry."
"What else would you like?" the man settled into the seat behind the counter, shooing Finn off the counter.
"I have a list," Kurt pulled it from the pocket of his coat, "We'll need four copies of:
· Intermediate Transfiguration
· Vanishing and Conjuring for Beginners
· The Standard book of Spells Grade 3: Introduction to Object Enchantment
· The Care and Breeding of Exotic Plants
· The Essential Defence Against the Dark Arts
· A Modern History of Magic
· Magical Properties of the Cosmos
Three copies of:
· The Home Life and Social Habits of British Muggles
· The British Isles Through the Ages
· Numerology and Grammatica
· Unfogging the Future
And two copies of:
· Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
· Things That Go Bump in the Night
· The Rune Dictionary
· Ancient Runes Made Easy
· Ancient Rune Translation
· Magical Hieroglyphs and Logograms
· Spellman's Syllabury."
"That is a lot of books," the man raised a brow as he summoned the last of the books, he loaded them into a shopping back and the till rung loudly as he finished, "That'll be a hundred and eighty-one Galleons and fifty-three Sickles."
They paid and moved on, "Why are there so many more books this year? You didn't even browse for recreation this year."
"I'll be a little too busy for recreation this year," Kurt shook his head, "We're taking elective classes this year."
"And what exactly are you taking?" Harry turned to Finn as they moved toward Amanuensis Quills.
"Arithmancy and Muggle Studies," Finn grinned, "Cedric is really good at Arithmancy and promised to tutor me, Anthony did the same with Muggle Studies."
"Considering you were a muggle a couple of years ago," Kurt shook his head in disapproval, "I don't understand why you need a tutor."
"We'll see whose an idiot when you're begging me to hook you up with a tutor in a couple of months," Finn stuck out his tongue.
"You're taking Muggle Studies?" Harry turned to Kurt, he noted that the boy didn't suffer a dizzy spell and concluded they were returning to the living. His father had taken to steering their shopping trip as they argued, reading their needs off the list.
"Both of us," Kurt nodded, "I don't understand why you wouldn't."
"Percy said it was a demanding subject," Harry shook his head, "I wasn't interest even though he tried to sweeten it by adding that it was rewarding."
"I had to take it," Hermione smiled as they moved on to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, "Other than assessing the way muggles live, it's an amalgamation of both Social and Natural Sciences."
"It would have been an asinine move on our part to pass that opportunity up," Kurt scoffed, "considering the fact that we're considering taking our GCSE exams."
"Why would you do that?" Harry grimaced as he stood on the platform being measured for his robes.
"We might want to go to Oxford," Kurt countered, he knew the argument was won.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?" Kurt looked affronted by the question, "Hermione explain."
"Well," Hermione fiddled with her hair as she thought about how to phrase their thought process, "Kurt and I have a certain connection to the muggle parts of our lives and feel that we might not be completely fulfilled in the limited scope of careers available in the wizarding world."
Harry gave it a moment's thought, "What are you doing after school?"
"We don't know," Kurt's voice hit an inhumanely high register, "We're thirteen, we'd just like to have options when the time to decide comes."
"How did you pick your electives?" Hermione broached the subject with curiosity and caution.
"Ron and I each closed our eyes and picked what our pens landed on," Harry shrugged whilst Hermione and Kurt exchanged horrified looks.
"Were you not paying attention during the introductory seminars on that Sunday?" Kurt scolded.
Harry shook his head, "What else did you pick?"
"Divination," Harry spoke nonchalantly.
"Divination isn't a particularly accurate branch of magic," Kurt scolded, "You guys should have taken the choice more seriously."
"Kurt scolding people," His father entered the Robe shop with bags to his eyes, having gone ahead to buy the balance of their supplies, "somebody isn't hungover anymore."
The group seemed to pay him little mind as Harry carried on arguing, "You picked Divination too."
"Yes," Kurt subdued himself, not wanting to cause a scene, "but we knew what we were getting ourselves into, also we have other real subjects to steady the load, like muggle studies."
"Like Muggle Studies?" a familiarly arrogant voice imitated his voice behind him, "Joke of a subject really."
Kurt didn't need to turn to see Draco Malfoy, though his voice was a fraction of an octave lower Kurt could never mistake it for another, "Oh my gosh, why aren't you dead?"
"Hi Kurt," he turned to see Draco Malfoy with his lackeys Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle flanking him and blocking the sun with their great hulking mass; Goyle was waving with a questionable smile.
"Oh, kill me now," Kurt shook his head as he was called over onto the podium.
"Kurt," his father gave him a penetrative look, "Who are these people?"
"The worst people on the planet," Hermione answered for him, "you don't want to know them."
Draco growled, "I heard that, you fil-"
Kurt's father stood at his full height, dwarfing all the teens with his great height and size, and extended a friendly yet intimidating hand; "Burt Hummel, nice to meet you."
Gregory moved to shake the hand but Draco slapped his hand back, "Oh yes, the muggle."
"Now, now Draco," the elegantly obnoxious man Kurt had seen once before parted the hulking louts with a cane and came to stand beside Draco, looking into Burt Hummels steely grey eyes, "you ought to know better." The man wasn't specific as to what Draco should know better than because the air about him defiantly wasn't one of tolerance; he was looking down at his father who looked like he was about to punch the smarmy off his face along with a good few teeth, "As you were plebeian."
"The fuck did you call me?" Kurt could see the fire rising, they had poked the bear. Kurt sinisterly rubbed his hands together as he watched his father grab Lucius Malfoy by the collar and lifted him a good foot of the ground, "Repeat?"
Lucius Malfoy moved his other hand toward his cane but his father's quick reflexes had grabbed the black walking stick and tossed it aside like a twig, the seamstress on duty was less than pleased with than pleased with the scene that greeted her when she returned from the back room she'd disappeared off to, "None if that in here, if you want to behave like louts you can do it in the street, where that kind of behaviour belongs."
Kurt's father put the blond man down and patted him on the head before whispering in his ear, "Jesus just saved your life."
"Come along," Lucius Malfoy tried to keep face as he turned to leave, "We'll come back when the company is more… amicable."
When the unsavoury characters had cleared out it was Harry who spoke first, "That was awesome, I'm ready to die now."
"That's where Kurt gets his aggression from," Finn mused with a giggle, "they tickled a sleeping dragon."
"They did what?" His father looked perplexed but seemed to have shaken all anger and was smiling brightly.
"The Hogwarts motto," Hermione explained, "Never tickle a sleeping dragon."
"I'm the dragon?" He guffawed at the idea but suddenly stopped, "Please don't tell me dragons are real, I will feel stupid for never noticing them."
"They are," Kurt let out a small, "there aren't any in Brittan, because it is illegal to breed them."
"Much to Hagrid's displeasure," Harry joked, "Kurt on the other hand, is terrified."
"Was terrified," Kurt corrected, "I ride dragons recreationally now."
"How did we end up talking about dragons?" Finn asked, showing his short attention span.
"Who is that?" Harry was standing in front of a wanted poster stuck in the window.
"Sirius Black," the seamstress shuddered as she spoke the name.
"Who is Sirius Black?" Hermione queried.
"He was probably before your time," her voice didn't rise above the whisper, as though she didn't want to be heard, "he was a follower of You-Know-Who, after the dark lord's fall he killed twelve muggles and one brave wizard who stood up to him."
"And he's escaped from Azkaban?" Harry asked.
Hermione raised a brow, "But I read that it was impossible to break out of Azkaban, getting past the dementors is obscenely difficult with magic let alone without it."
"He's the first to do it," she looked afraid, Kurt knew she'd say no more.
"Do you know what would happen if I met Sirius Black?" Finn looked excited, "I'd look him in the eye and ask 'why so serious?'"
Hermione moved to comment but Kurt stopped her, "Don't entertain him." He turned to his father as he hopped off the platform to allow Hermione on, "Are we almost done? It's lunch soon and I want a Big Mac."
"I have to go get your school bag and then we're done," his father shot to his feet as though suddenly remembering something.
"My school bag?" Kurt raised a confused brow, "you people are buying me clothing?"
"It's a belated birthday gift," his father called over his shoulder before disappearing.
Kurt turned to Finn, "What is it?"
"It's a bag," Finn nodded as though satisfied with his answer, Kurt extended a hand toward Hermione and she handed him a blunt object that he threw at Finn, "it's a nude leather tote."
"Thank you Hermione," Kurt smiled at his friend before turning to his brother, "you, bring that back."
"I guess some dragons are more ticklish than others," Finn joked as he handed back Hermione's penny loafer.
~0~
Kurt and Hermione had come to the Leaky Cauldron for the second time that week, today it was just the two of them; Finn and Harry were left to their own devices as the pair venture off, Kurt suspected they would probably be in the great room playing Nintendo all day. Kurt and Hermione had received summons from the Minister for Magic with regards to their subject load from the upcoming year, they had been requested to appear on the second to last Friday before term in his locational office at the Leaky Cauldron.
"Kurt, Hermione?" they turned to see Padma Petil and her mother waving and wading through the crowd toward them; Kurt knew the woman from the board of trustees meeting they had held during the week since the incidence of the Robe shop, Kurt had asked to be appointed as the board's proxy and it had gone his way.
"Padma," Kurt wasn't sure if they were friendly enough for a hug, "How lovely to see you here."
Kurt pushed Hermione ahead of himself to gage their reactions, "I know, I thought I'd be the only one."
"The only one?" Hermione asked as they hugged each other rather awkwardly.
Padma moved to hug Kurt, "yes, you two are seeing the minister about taking more electives? Most don't qualify for an interview."
"Oh and you thought you'd get it and not us?" Kurt asked accusingly.
"Well," Padma chewed her lips but they soon curled into a smile, "I was first and Anthony's request was rejected, he was fourth."
"Oh and you think the jump between fourth and third isn't so big," Hermione looked on the verge of pouncing, "I'll remind you that you've been first as many times as you've been third."
"I didn't crumble under the pressure of an increasing work load," Padma countered, "First to third is such a great fall."
"Guys," Kurt stepped between the pair before their altercation turned physical, he wasn't sure if Hermione would be able to take her, "Our marks are separated by fractions, we're all brilliant. Back down."
They recomposed themselves and adopted more civil attitude toward, "How were your summers?"
"Educational," Hermione nodded decisively.
"Uneventful," Kurt shrugged.
Padma looked surprised, "I'd have thought the Order of the White Lotus a tad more exciting."
"I don't know how to begin to describe it," Kurt couldn't string two words together in his vast vocabulary that summed up and did justice to his summer, "last year it was adventurous and exotic in an inactive volcano, I learnt remedial martial arts and how to manipulate fire wandlessly, and I even rode a dragon; this juxtaposed last year completely."
"What'd you do?" she smiled sweetly, egging him on, "it can't possibly have been that different."
"It was on the ice sheet over central Greenland," Kurt countered flatly, "Nothing against but it isn't the most exciting place on the planet, even people from Greenland don't live up there. I spent two months in a tent beside an overgrown puddle of melted ice."
"That actually sounds beautiful," Padma looked to Hermione for conformation.
She nodded rigorously, "I told him, he showed me pictures and it was exquisite."
"Yeah but," Kurt tried to find a way to convey his apathy, "This year was about appreciating nature and how the world provides for the human spirit through the abundance and bounty of water."
"That's deep," Padma had her hand on her chest and was nodding with her eyes closed as if Kurt was talking to her soul.
"It ties in to the truth of nature so well," Hermione agreed, "Water is in our bodies, the air we breathe and in the food we eat; it is the sustenance of life."
"Yes that's lovely but I thought I was joining a war council," Kurt argued, "We learnt to dance, I'm a pretty good dancer and they wanted to teach me how to dance and heal people."
"You've never mentioned the healing part," Hermione looked affronted by the omission.
"Oh yes," Kurt let out a brash laugh, "We learned how to make and used a potion called sacred water; it's not even a practical skill because all the ingredients are exclusively found in Greenland and are extremely perishable, so every time you want to make a brew you have to go to Greenland."
"It sounds like it deals with the warrior's spirit," Padma nodded a surety that Kurt was currently lacking.
"Meditate on it," Hermione suggested, "the last time you mentioned meditation as a large part of the process but this time you hardly mentioned it."
"Well," Kurt could feel a blush creeping above his collar, "I used that time to answer my mail."
"Maybe what you need is to internalise what you've learned," Hermione went on, "Mull it over; clear the action and see the intention."
"Does she have to sound like a siege when she gives great advice?" Kurt whined.
"The minister will see you now," a small hunchbacked man smiled broadly and gestured for them to follow. He opened a door and ushered them in a head of himself, "All three at once, he says."
Behind a large darkly varnished desk sat the man Kurt had seen once before, his face was weathered by time and atop his rapidly greying brown hair sat a lime green bowler hat, "Good morning Miss Hermione Granger, Mr Kurt Elizabeth Hummel and Miss Padma Petil. I am Cornelius Fudge; Minister for Magic, Order of Merlin First Class, etcetera etcetera."
"Good Morning Mr Fudge," The three managed to chorus without realising.
"You have been summoned here today because I have received an application on each of your behalves from you respective heads of house detailing your desire to take on a greater load of subjects than the standard nine," Kurt noted that as the man spoke a quill took notes behind him, "Do you understand the means by which you should be allowed to carry that out?"
Padma nodded affirmatively whilst Kurt and Hermione shook their heads to the negative; "There wasn't anything on it in the library," Hermione added, "I checked twice."
"We'll be issued with Time Turners," Padma spoke clearly and with intent, "My mother had one when she was in school."
"Yes," the minister smiled, she had impressed him, "I am here to do a final check and tell you of the grave dangers of time travel before you are issued with such dangerous objects." The Minister had been pacing and had now come to rest on the desk in front of the trio of youngsters, "A time turner is a small clock like device that will allow you turn back time and attend multiple lessons at once; but when it comes to time travel there are a few rules."
"You can't be seen by your past self," Hermione offered, "in theory, your future self would be able to handle the event but your past self wouldn't understand what was happening. Seeing yourself might result in a Grandfather Paradox where you change your mind about the time travel and therefore you don't see yourself, therefore you don't change your mind and infinitely."
"Very well done Miss Granger," Cornelius Fudge smiled, "I am after all dealing with some of Hogwarts' brightest. You also can not attempt to meddle with or change the past."
"It creates a predestination paradox where you end up being forced to travel back in time infinitely," Kurt explained as the thoughts came to him, "Trying to relay information to yourself or another in the past creates the ontological paradox where the space time continuum is connected at three points making the ideas existence dependant on loop."
"You seem to know your stuff," the man chortled merrily, "You should have no problem following the rules, I'm going to sign you approval papers and have you devices delivered to Hogwarts on the day before Term begins."
"Wait," Hermione raised a brow with a queer look about her, "We're done?"
"Yes," the minister nodded, "I just had to see that you had the capacity to grasp the dangers of time travel.
"How anticlimactic," Kurt shrugged.
~0~
"Welcome back," Harry and Ron bro-hugged in the dimly lit lobby of the bed and breakfast section of the Leaky Cauldron.
"Good to be back," Ron smiled as he hugged Hermione, "Did you miss me?"
"Ever so terribly," Kurt derided dramatically with friendly smile, "you grew, I don't have to be the tallest one."
"Yeah well," Ron blushed as he stood in front of Kurt, "it's better if I'm taller, isn't it?"
"Isn't it Kurt?" Hermione teased him.
"Don't make me take you shopping again," Kurt threatened her and she shrunk into herself.
Ron let out a laugh, "See the two of you are still completely mental. What kind of a threat is that?"
Harry shuddered as though remembering a traumatic experience, "A very real one."
"It just wouldn't end," Hermione's voice sounded vacant and distant, "the clothes piled up but he just kept going."
"Oh come off it," Kurt gently shoved the pair of them, "it wasn't that bad, it was rather fruitful if I do say so myself."
"Enough about you," Hermione jabbed his side, "I want to hear about wizarding Egypt."
"Oh it was brilliant," Ron nodded enthusiastically, "I'll tell you later if you don't mind, I kind of want to step into the alley, get a tonic for Scabbers; he hasn't been well for a while."
"Well," Kurt smoothed down the lapel of his shirt, "he is nearing the end of his lifespan."
Ron looked horrified, "He'll be living a bit longer so long as you keep your beast away from him."
"Bomballerina won't be his end," Kurt shook his head, "He's an ordinary rat, they live a maximum of seven years."
"Scabbers isn't ordinary," Ron argued holding the rat out toward Kurt, "Look at him, he's exceptional."
Kurt let out a wheezy breath, "if you treasure the time we spend together you will get that rat away from me."
"Scabbers has been in my family for twelve years," Ron said as he put the rat in his pocket.
Kurt's eyes went wide, "you should donate him to science, he may have the key scientists are looking for to extend human life; they'll dissect him and figure out why he's lived seventy percent longer than his maximum lifespan."
Ron looked horrified, "Dissect poor old Scabbers?"
"It would be for the betterment of mankind," Hermione argue for him, "the research they develop would allow you to live till you were approximately two hundred and four."
"You guys need to stop," Ron held up a dismissive hand, "Harry, tell them to leave Scabbers alone."
"Hmm," Harry looked around himself suspiciously as he re-joined the land of the living, "What was that?"
"What were you thinking about?" Hermione looked slightly concerned.
"Voldemort," Harry was matter of fact about the subject, "He's caused problems at Hogwarts every year since we started, I was wondering if he'd be there this year."
"Every year is a bit of an inaccurate variable," Kurt rolled his eyes, "it's only been two years; twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern."
"You're almost as bad at being reassuring as you are at giving relationship advice," Hermione scoffed, "Harry, you can't live your life in fear of what Voldemort might do."
Kurt stared coldly at Hermione, "Also, it's not your problem honey; Voldemort isn't your problem unless you make him your problem."
"What do you mean he's not Harry's problem?" Ron's voice crossed from it new resting pitch of alto to a soprano that rivalled Kurt's, "Harry's the only person who has defeated You-Know-Who, if he doesn't do it then who will?"
"How about the Auror Office at the Ministry of Magic?" Kurt suggested curtly.
Ron rolled his eyes, "What do they know?"
"Uh, they're trained to deal with dark witches and wizards," Kurt countered, "Also, Harry isn't the only person to defeat Voldemort, I managed it pretty well which means anyone can do it."
"That's enough," Harry shouted, earning their silence, "Every time we broach a new subject, you two start to argue and turn it into the Ron and Kurt show."
"That's absurd," Kurt put on his best wounded look, "Everybody knows it's the Kurt and Ron show."
"Harry's right, you know," Hermione nudged him, "the pair of you are impossible."
Kurt rolled his eyes as they entered Magical Menagerie and Ron walked to the counter with Scabbers in hand, "Hi, can you help me? It's my rat, he's been off colour for a while now. Tell me there's something you can do."
The woman looked at the rat with minimal interest, "try some rat tonic."
"Rat ton-" Ron let out a loud hoarse wail as a ginger coloured blob of fur pounced on him.
"Crookshanks!" the woman spoke firmly but didn't move to intervene as her interest was yet to be piqued, "Away with you Crookshanks!"
"It's eating my face," Ron cried out as his friends watched on, laughing.
Hermione put a stilling hand on Ron's shoulder, she grabbed Crookshanks and held the large ginger cat in her arms, "he wasn't eating your face, he was just using you as a fulcrum to get to Scabbers."
"Is that any better?" Ron shouted at her.
Hermione rolled her eyes, "it's instinctual, he doesn't mean it with malicious intent."
"Give old Crookshanks to me," the lady held out her hands to receive the cat but Hermione hesitated.
"Is he your pet?" Hermione asked seemingly down trotted.
The woman shook her head and put Crookshanks down, "he's one of the kittens I was selling some years, he never sold and now he probably never will; the part kneazle ones are harder to peddle because they aren't as cute as the kittens nor the kneazle cubs."
"How much?" Hermione snapped before the woman could slip back into her stupor of disinterest.
"Oh no," the woman chuckled lightly, "You don't have to feel sorry for him."
The cat was curled between Hermione's legs when she picked him up, "I'm taking him, either you sell him to me or I steal him."
"That's a bit extremist," Kurt gave her penetrative glare over the frame of his glasses.
Ron nodded his agreements, "Especially considering the fact that it tried to eat Scabbers' face."
"Hush," Hermione put her coins on the counter and ushered for them to leave.
"Hermione," Harry called after her, he had a wicked smile plastered across his face, "can I stroke your pussy?"
The group let out a loud laugh, "You never ask before playing with my pussy," Kurt countered with a light giggle.
"Harry!" the group turned three-sixty, trying to see who was calling them, "Kurt! Hermione! Ron!"
Their attention was finally drawn to the dusty store front window at Ollivander's; there Neville was, waving them over frantically. They made their way over to the shop, the silver bell over the door rang merrily as they bustled into the deserted store from the crowded alley; today seemed to be the day when most were doing their school shopping.
"Hi guys," Neville smiled broadly as he waved frantically, "Fancy meeting you here."
"These things happen in threes for me," Kurt shrugged as he looked about the shop he hadn't entered in two years, everything looked exactly as it had; all the furniture was exactly where it had been, the wands were still stacked haphazardly to the ceiling and there was even the exact same amount of dust, unmoved by time.
"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked with Crookshanks reclined in her arms, "You have a wand, don't you?"
"I do but it was my father's old wand and after hearing that You-Know-Who couldn't use Kurt's wand I figure it was safer to have my own," Neville shrugged with a juxtaposing self-satisfied nod, "considering how much better I did last year, my gran thought I deserved it."
"What'd you get?" Kurt asked curiously.
"Cherry, unicorn tail hair," Neville dropped the wand as he was pulling it out of his pocket.
Kurt nodded, "Sounds right."
"Oh," Hermione raised a curious brow, "is that so? You read one book and suddenly you're an expert?"
"I never claimed to be an expert but you're free to call me one if you desire," Kurt gave a saccharine smile, barely avoiding embarrassment, "what I was alluding to was that Fat had a chart in his book that detailed the properties of wand materials and the kind of user they are best suited for; that's why the wand chooses the wizard."
"Sometimes I wonder how you can simultaneously be so full of shit and so full of knowledge at the same time," Hermione gently nudged his shoulder.
"I have an undetectable extension charm," Kurt let out a small giggle.
"You two," Neville shook his head with a small chuckle.
Ron leaned to whisper but failed to lower his voice, "Mental."
Then an elegantly lithe woman strolled up to their group, "Oh my God," Kurt slapped his hand over his mouth, "it's Helen Mirran."
"No," Hermione hissed back at him behind a concealing hand, "that's the Queen."
"That's my gran," Neville gave them a queer look.
She looked rather disinterested as she spoke, at least that was the vibe Kurt picked up; it was hard to tell, between the brim of her large hat hiding a significant portion of her face and the stuffed vulture sitting atop said hat drawing his attention away, thus obscuring his observation.
"Neville," she smiled curtly, that much was obvious, "Are these your friends? Who've we got?"
"Yes Grandma," Neville sounded nervous, Kurt understood why, "This is Harry, Ron, Kurt and Hermione."
"Augusta Longbottom," she greeted each with a firm handshake, "it is pleasure to finally put faces to the names, Neville speaks a great deal about each of you."
"Really?" Hermione smiled devilishly, "Most of us don't mention Ron to our families."
"Good one," Kurt smiled at her broadly, "Ten points to Gryffindor."
"You two must be Kurt and Hermione," she nodded, pointing at the pair, "Harry and Kurt are the ones that look alike, right?" Neville nodded, "yes, your witty banter gave you away but the pair of you are truly distinguishable from the rest by your exceptional good looks, Neville failed to mention that."
"Thank you, did you hear that Hermione?" Kurt jabbed her in the ribs with his elbow and smiled brightly, "We have exceptional good looks."
"And you look just like you father," she wagged a finger in front of Ron's face, "just as tall and gangly as he was, let's hope you keep your hair longer than he did."
"My Granma has this exceptional talent of knowing every wizard in the United Kingdom," Neville rolled his eyes, "She stops every five steps to talk to someone when we leave the house."
"That happens when you're as old as I am," she shortled merrily before turning to the final member of their brood, "And you're Harry Potter, another one looks like his father and every Potter before him."
"So I've been told," Harry blushed nervously.
"All of you should be taking care of yourselves, not walking the streets alone," she scolded them, "Haven't you heard there's a killer on the loose and I suspect he's got a bone to pick with one of you; Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived."
"Me?" Harry's eyes had bulged so far out of his head that if it hadn't been for his glasses, they'd have fallen straight out of his head, "Why would Sirius Black want me?"
"An adult as formidable as yourself should know better," Augusta shook her head in disapproval, causing even Kurt to shrink back, "Sirius Black was one of You-Know-Who's biggest supporters, when you defeated him Black lost everything; take my warning, look both ways before crossing the street. Come along Neville."
"Bye guys," Neville waved as he took off after his grandmother.
"Well," Kurt shrugged, "That was weird."
"Weird?" Ron looked affronted, "He's after Harry and you think that's weird?"
"No, that bit is normal," Kurt rolled his eyes, "I'm very worried about that but I mean, honestly, when has an adult ever been so forth coming with us about anything? Hermione isn't even curious, she won't be going to the library tonight."
"Oh," the wild haired man who managed the store noticed them and halted their conversation, "How can I help you?"
"Oh no," Hermione waved her hands, "We're not in need of assistance, we were with the people before us."
"It's not every day a unicorn tail hair, dragon heartstring and a phoenix tail feather walk into my store with an enigma wrapped in a mystery," the man seemed to be looking at the boxes that lined the wall.
"Basilisk plume feather," Kurt corrected with a small smile, "thanks for that by the way, where did you say you got it?"
"Basilisk plume feather?" the man's eyes grew very wide, he extended his hand; Kurt handed his wand over, he tried to bend it, "Rigid and unyielding, this wand has always been stubborn but now we know why; basilisks are known to only yield to their master and heirs of their master, lethal. This wand has great potential and power within."
"Where did you get it?" Kurt emphasised each syllable.
"I will tell you the same thing I told you when I gave you this wand," the man moved to the window where he wand had been on display, "this wand had been in this shop, in this window for more than two thousand years when I gave it to you; it was amongst the possessions of my ancestors when they came to England."
"Where did they come from?" Kurt was losing his patience.
"They were travelling from Eastern Europe," the man began to eye the boxes again, "what might today be called Istanbul."
"You're Turkish?" Hermione raised a confused brow.
"It was part of Greece back then," Kurt corrected, "Constantinople; my name is Turkish though."
"I thought you were German?" Harry looked even more confused.
"I am German, it's a homonym," Kurt noted that most of their group still looked confused, "Kurt is a German given name commonly believed to come from the shortened form of Konrad, Curtis or Kunibert; Kurt is also a rough Anglicisation of the Turkish word for wolf; It's also a village in Slovakia; all have the same spelling but with different meanings and origins."
Ron slung an arm over his shoulder, "Sometimes I feel like I learn more from you than I do from school."
Kurt blushed lightly but nodded his agreement, "My curriculum structure is more sound and consistent."
~0~
The minimal remnants of their vacation had been fleeting, the week with the Weasleys had been rather entertaining, most memorably had been Ron sulking for the good part of two days after showing his friends their family picture in front of the Pyramid of Giza; Kurt suspected that it was because he and Hermione had commented that his older brothers, Bill and Charlie, were attractive but couldn't be sure. Kurt had learned that when she wasn't sharing her soul with the Dark Lord, Ginny could be rather interesting to have around; she wasn't exactly besties with them, what with her more tomboyish personality but they were on much better terms.
The most troubling part of the time he spent with the Weasleys was simply Mrs Weasley; Kurt had nothing against her but she was very maternal and his mother was dead, she had been for more than half of his life. Sure, very soon after his mother's departure Carole had been introduced into his life but that was different because she treated him like an adult; Mrs Weasley had fussed over the size of his meals, she had attempted to straighten Kurt's already pristine clothing and she'd even offered to touch up his brand new fifty quid haircut. Kurt suspected that raising six boys and Ginny had made her believe that she had to straighten up everything up after children, that definitely wasn't the case with Kurt.
Mr Weasley had been fascinated by Kurt and Hermione's muggleborn status, taking every opportunity to ask them about human ingenuity; Kurt's fascination with the sound of his own voice had spring boarded many a long and perplex debate about the infinite power of muggles. Kurt had explained how muggles, in an effort to make their lives easier, had invented first the steam engine and then had harnessed the earth's mineral wealth to make electricity; he'd even gone on to mention that the reason why schools, even wizarding schools, vacationed in summer was so that medieval muggles had their children around to tend the fields in the summer. Mr Weasley had been truly fascinated by everything Kurt said, even when Kurt rambled on about the arts and fashion; having never had somebody willing to listen to every facet in his wide array of interests, he had milked it for everything it was worth.
By the time Wednesday, the first of September, rolled around they were sick of doing nothing; Hermione and Kurt were too excited about all the learning they were going to do with their full subject load to wait a day longer for term to start, having made in roads on the subject matter. Ron seemed to be more desperate to actually practice magic, having spent the entirety of last year avoiding doing so due to his broken wand; his family's lottery win hadn't just allowed them to vacation in Egypt but had afforded Ron the luxury of a brand new wand. Harry's anticipation was most simple, he wanted to go home to Hogwarts, where he felt he belonged.
Finding a compartment on the Hogwarts Express had been a mission, most were full of students or had small groups of undesirables which simply wouldn't do as they desired a certain level of privacy. The compartment they had finally settled on had a single occupant, downside was that said occupant was a teacher; Professor RJ Lupin, who was probably going to be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts; and that restricted their conversation considerably.
"So," Luna, who they had met up with on the platform, said dreamily, "Some weather they're having Albania."
Kurt's mouth opened and closed wordlessly for a moment whilst he tried to figure out what to say, "We're talking about weather? I take it back, let's go sit with Seamus and Dean."
"That's so arbitrary," Hermione gave her a scrutinising look, "why would you even bring that up?"
"It's a weather anomaly isolated to a singular region," Luna seemed somewhat confused by the questioning, "How are you not interested? The Quibbler published a report, it was on the cover of last week's issue."
"I missed that one," Harry smiled weakly.
"You mean 'Act of God or Wizards Affecting Weather'?" Kurt raised a brow, he now an avid reader of The Quibbler as Luna sent him copies at frequent intervals.
Luna's face lit up, "You read it?"
"No," Kurt scrunched up his nose in distaste, "I skipped that one; I don't believe in God, I don't read anything that pertains to him."
"I don't believe in God either," Luna shrugged, "it was dramatic gesture to draw in an audience, The Quibbler suspects that this is the work of Wizards in the area tampering with the weather."
"How exactly is their weather changing?" Ron asked cautiously.
"They had snow last week after record breaking heat since January," Luna answered nonchalantly, "The weather has been gradually going sideways in just one region of the country but because it's unpopulated the matter hasn't been investigated."
"Now Luna," Neville squared up with the younger girl, "How real is this? Is it real like nargles or is it real like we are?"
"Nargles are very real," Luna countered, "Last year they stole all my quills."
"Or you lost them all along with your marbles," Ron scoffed under his breath, earning himself an elbow to the ribs from Kurt.
"Right, Before this conversation gets anymore awkward and somebody gets offended," Harry interjected, "I overheard Ron's parents talking about Sirius Black last night."
"My parents?" Ron evidently didn't understand what Harry was saying, "why would they talk about Sirius Black?"
Hermione face palmed, "it's current affairs, everybody in the wizarding world is talking about it."
"Oh yeah, right," Ron nodded to show his understanding, "what'd they say?"
"The same things Neville's gran said," Harry shrugged the first part off before contorted his face in confusion, "Then this morning Mr Weasley warned me not to go looking for him."
"I concur," Kurt nodded.
"Why would you go looking for someone who wants to kill you?" Neville was equally confused.
"This is the boy who went after the Philosopher's Stone even though he believed that his fully grown and qualified potions master was after it," Kurt pointed out, "Harry thought he could take on Professor Snape with a first year education he sort of paid attention to, imagine what he thinks he can do with two years of school."
"I don't know if anybody has ever told you this," Harry gave a small giggle, "but you're a cynical bitch."
Hermione and the whole compartment laughed loudly, "laughs aside but Kurt is right, we're not exactly conscious of our safety; last year you guys went into the Chamber of Secrets without a Rooster even though that page on Basilisks says they are killed by the crowing of a rooster."
"All the rooster had been strangled by Ginny," Harry said defensively, "That wasn't our fault and safety Kurt was doing the same thing, he hadn't even waited for backup."
"Actually," Kurt blushed lightly, "I was on my way to tell Professor McGonagall when I was abducted."
"Like always you wanted to tell an adult," Ron groaned.
"It's the wise thing to do," Kurt countered.
"What was it you once said about authority?" Neville asked with knowing look.
Kurt giggled lightly, "I stand by most of that statement, I might sometimes let the rules fall by the wayside but authority has its place in society."
"You sound like you're advertising something," Hermione laughed lightly but the tail end of her statement was lost as the Hogwarts express came to a sudden dead stop.
"We can't be there," Neville furrowed his brow, "Hermione hasn't said her bit about us arriving soon."
"We haven't arrived," Hermione and Ron peered through the fogged window but neither could see a thing, "Maybe we've broken down."
Outside their compartment they could hear Percy, "Calm down, I'm head boy."
"I think I see something moving out there," Ron whimpered, an eerie silence overcame their compartment and they waited to hear something move but nothing came. The rain on the window was replaced by hail but no sound came; the lights went out and Kurt let out a high pitched cream.
"Really Kurt?" Hermione asked him in the dimly lit compartment, he didn't have to see her condescending expression to know it was there.
"I was startled," Kurt whispered back, he didn't know why but talking in full voice felt wrong, "Lumos."
When the compartment was re-illuminated they saw that the rain was frozen to the window, it was Neville's distorted squeak that defused the tension, "what was that you were saying about abnormal weather?"
"You see," Hermione shook her head, "The incidences in Albania are clearly linked to Global Warming rather than wizards altering the weather, that's why it's been gradual."
"Really Hermione?" Ron rolled his eyes, "you pick now to be right?"
"Of course Ro-" her reply was cut short by a faint rattling noise as a tall silhouette appeared in the door window, slowly the door opened and the temperature in the compartment plummeted, "it's a dementors."
Hermione's gasped analysis frightened him but he fumbled his wand, having read of dementors and pointed it at the dementors, "Expecto petronum." Nothing happened, he expected that but he was still disappointed; the cloaked figure moved closer to where he and Harry were seated. Kurt's ears were filled with a solid and monotonous mechanical tone as his vision blurred. As Kurt thought he was losing the fight with the blur, a bright white light filled the carriage and a weight fell onto his lap.
When the lights flickered back to life Kurt was able to refocus his thoughts, he saw Professor Lupin standing in the middle of the compartment with his wand still pointed to where the hooded figure had been but the dementors was gone all that remained of that experience was a ringing in Kurt's ears and the weight in his lap; Harry. His friend had lost consciousness during the debacle but it hadn't been too grievous a task to get him to come to.
"Are you all alright?" the sandy haired man asked them as he sat back down beside Neville. Kurt kept Harry's head in his lap, not wanting the boy to fall; he nodded on both their behalves. The man pulled out a familiar looking chocolate bar and broke each of them a piece, "Eat this, it will make you feel better."
"Eating our feelings," Kurt nodded grimly and began to slowly nibble at the chocolate, "That sound healthy."
The man shrugged, "I'm going to go see the driver."
As Kurt watched the man disappeared, Harry took the opportunity to escape, "Who was that screaming?"
"Kurt," Ron answered, he didn't laugh.
"No," Harry straightened his glasses, "it was a woman, I heard her before I blacked out."
Hermione shook her head, there was a look of maternal concern on her face, "Nobody screamed then."
"But I heard-" Harry cut himself off and looked down at his piece of chocolate, "Did any of you faint?"
"No," they all shook their heads, the train began to move once more.
"I did feel like the happiness had been sucked out of the world," Ron sounded distant, "like I'd never be cheerful again."
"Dementors make you relive your worst memories as they feast on your happiness," Kurt heard someone say before recognising the voice as his own, "I could hear the EKG beeping her flat line."
"EKG? Flat line?" Ron whispered to Hermione but Kurt could hear, it seemed he could hear everything right now.
"Excuse me," Kurt got up and walked past Ginny on his way out.
Hope you liked it!
I have cast Helen Mirran as Augusta Longbottom; it's supposed to be funny because after she won an Oscar for The Queen it was said that people outside England Wouldn't recognize QE2 because she looks nothing like Helen Mirran. In The Queen's Handbag they ask Neville if his gran is the Queen when they are searching through the lost bags and find hers; I brought the two together. I'm not very funny.