A/n: A typical school day.
It turns out I'm not battling as much as I thought I would but I was on vacation for the last month. We didn't hear too much about Prof Burbage so I exploited having watched United States of Tara too many times, I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist and I don't mean to offend anyone or claim to know the inner workings of DID/MPD.
Kurt was up before his alarm clock went off, this wasn't exceptionally out of the ordinary for Kurt as this tended to happen to him when he was excited and to be honest it tended to happen to him in general but today it was with reason, it was the first day of school and he couldn't think of a day he anticipated more than this one each year; he checked the analogue clock on his end table, he had ten minutes. Kurt had concluded that due to extension of his days by him turning back time he would have to stick to his usually loosely followed regimen much more carefully or else his life might fall into disarray; today would be three hours longer than usual, Thursday tied for longest day with Monday and Tuesday. Kurt thought it was rather ironic that he was being thrown right in the deep end on the first day. He took a few deep breaths and considered the worst case scenario, he created a paradox that ended the universe; the chances of that happening were so slim that he threw caution to the wind and got out of bed a whole six minutes earlier.
Kurt donned his running gear in silence and quietly exited the Slytherin Dungeon with Bomballerina hot on his heels, as he navigated the stairs he lazily stretched his upper body and arms.
"Good morning Kurt," Peeves smiled wickedly when he saw the boy, "Off for a run?"
Kurt nodded and smiled politely, "Like I do every day." The first time he had tried to run in first year; Peeves had spilled ice cold water on him and that wasn't something he easily forgot. As Kurt stood stretching and warming up in the darkness that preceded dawn he gave himself a small pep talk for the day ahead: Kurt, you can do this; they didn't give you that time turner, you earned it and with it the privileges that came with it.
Kurt took off down the road the carriages had brought them up to the castle on the previous night at a leisurely jog, he let all of the worries that plagued him melt away as he listened to the steady beating of his heart, his feet on the road and Bomballerina running beside him. They picked up speed when they reached the gates, turning right and off the road onto a foot path that was headed down the slopes toward the forbidden forest; Kurt was counting, nothing in particular, just counting to keep his mind from the cold air nipping at his face. Kurt suspected that the presence of the dementors on the outskirts of the school grounds had lowered the temperature of the grounds as it was unseasonable cool, he had read that where dementors gather is usually marked by an unnatural coldness.
Kurt kept counting as he ran through the gap between Hagrid's Hut and the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid, that brought back the previous day when the man had been appointed Professor of Care for Magical Creatures; Kurt had internally questioned the decision because Hagrid had no proper qualification, having been expelled from Hogwarts during his third year, but chose not to voice these concerns so as not to stir up trouble. Kurt ran around the vegetable patch, thinking of last night reminded him of the train; he had become so emotionally overwhelmed after the incident with the dementor, hearing his mother's flat line had been too much and even after eating the chocolate, which should have helped, he wanted to curl up and die. The train also brought up another thought, he hadn't been able to cast the Patronus charm; sure it was well beyond his level but that hadn't stopped him with other spells, he'd split a soul in his second year but he couldn't manage to form a Patronus?
Kurt was worried once more about dark magic as he skirted the peripheral of the Black Lake, climbing up toward the Greenhouses and the end of his run; when he'd read about the charm it had said that dark wizards couldn't conjure the Patronus charm, was this an indication to something? No, the text had said that they are sprayed with maggots and he hadn't been. As he came to rest in the shadow of the Northern Towers he took a deep breath and large gulp of water, cursing himself; the whole point of running was to clear his mind, what was the point if he stressed himself the whole way? He made his way lazily down the transfiguration corridor to the deserted classroom he had come to use in the mornings, Professor McGonagall had felt he needed his own secret space to be artistic; after he'd spilled his life story to her she couldn't help but melt in the palm of his hand, she had come to adore him as teachers and adults tend to do. There wasn't anything special about said classroom, it was mostly bare aside from the large mirror and barre she had conjured for him.
Kurt made quick work switching from his running shoes to his slippers; he grabbed the barre and gave a small unheard thanks that he didn't have to do this in the Slytherin Common room anymore. Kurt stood for a moment; taking a deep breath before moving to First Position, holding it for a moment and going through the motions as he once did. Kurt was aware that he was no longer improving but it would break his heart to just stop and lose that part of his life. He got back into First and flawlessly executed a Demi Plié and back into first; he went through the motions without thinking and trying to make himself believe that by doing so things stayed as they were. Trying to believe that if he could still execute the same dance moves or play the same musical arrangements then he was still the same; if he could still imitate Prince Siegfried as he'd once seen him performed when his mother had taken him to the Russian Ballet's Swan Lake then maybe she was still with him on some level.
Kurt came back to first position and knew that he was done for the day; it hadn't worked, his mind was still charged and his thoughts still wondered. Kurt and Bomballerina strolled lazily back to the Slytherin Dungeon nobody was awake yet, it was still too early; the castle appeared to be deserted in the morning hours, something Kurt appreciated, it would remain that way until people started coming down for breakfast at seven. As Kurt waltzed through the common room his morning ritual was cut short by faint sobbing, he peered around the dimly lit dungeon but he did not see anyone at first but then on the black quilted leather couches was a small hunched figure.
"Are you alright?" Kurt's voice was low, he couldn't execute maternal as well as Hermione but he tried his best not to scold as he often did.
"Sorry," the little girl snivelled, wiping the bottom of her nose with the sleeve of her nightgown, "I didn't mean to disturb you."
Kurt waved a dismissive hand, "it's quite alright, might I ask what might be the matter?"
"I just want to go home," she sobbed violently into her sleeve.
Kurt crept closer and laid a reassuring hand on her hunched back, "Now, if you go home you'll miss out on all the fun to be had at Hogwarts. You probably haven't even seen the giant squid and that's half the experience."
"I don't belong here," she squeaked timidly.
"Everybody feels that way," Kurt smiled at her, "That's called being a teenager, it's one of the side effects of puberty."
She giggled, "You're funny."
"I most certainly am not, take it back," Kurt feigned insult before he tilted his head and gave the little girl a small smile, "I think you should be in bed, for at least the next twenty minutes."
She nodded, whispered a quick 'thank you' and was off toward the corridor with the girls dormitories; Kurt returned to his own dormitory, taking care not to wake his roommates because no matter how much he loathed each of them, they were less trouble asleep. He began his morning motions ten minutes behind schedule, that didn't suit him, he retrieved his time turner and took it for a spin before the day began; Kurt turned the dial sixty degrees.
He watched himself move backward out of the room, Bella did the same; he grabbed his stuff and went to shower before he came through the door and caused an unnecessary conundrum. Kurt went about the remainder of his morning ritual at a leisurely pace, he got cleaned up, went through his moisturising routine and got dressed in his uniform with five minutes to spare to pack his school books and grab his to-do list. Kurt's school bag had been enchanted to be weightless and extended so as to bare the additional weight from his extensive subject load; his use of the term 'school bag' was a proximal one as the Fendi tote was so called only for its function, it's form told a different story.
"Sup," Kurt received a hearty accompanying pat on the back.
Kurt gave a saccharine smile, "Good morning to you too Ronald. Are you excited to begin the new school year?"
"Not particularly, no," Ron shrugged dismissively, "If anything I feel like this might just be our least exciting year yet."
"How can you say that?" Kurt gave him a playful punch as they took their seats at breakfast, "We're taking elective subject for heaven's sake, we are one step closer to taking our OWLs. Fred and George are taking their OWLs this year, I wonder what their plan for studying might be."
"I suspect it will be rather rigorous," Hermione greeted as she joined them in the nearly empty Great Hall, "Considering the fact that it will be the second most important standardised tests they will write in their lives."
"Doesn't really matter what you get," Ron shrugged, "Charlie said it's the NEWTs they looks for in job interviews."
"That's the one with the bi-" Kurt censored himself, "in Romania, right?"
"Yeah," Ron gave him a penetrative look, "he says they only looked at his NEWTs for Care for Magical Creatures, Defence Against the Dark Arts and Charms."
"Yes but in order to qualify to take NEWT-level subjects you need to do well in your OWLs," Hermione pointed out, "That's how people end up in Magical Theory and History of Magic."
"I resent that," Kurt raised an interjectory finger, "History of Magic happens to my favourite subject and Magical Theory sounds like a good time."
"Is this what the beginning of breakfast is always like?" Ron groaned, "Because all you've done is made me feel underprepared for the future."
"You should have paid closer attention to the subject seminars we had before we selected electives," Kurt scolded.
Ron raised a queer brow, "they covered all of that to NEWT?"
"No," Hermione rolled her eyes, "but your curiosity would have been piqued as well and maybe you would have gone to the library too."
"Why are you here this early?" Kurt tilted his head out of curiosity, "Hermione and I haven't even discussed the latest on the Vampire Diaries front yet."
"What?"
"These novels we read during the summer but you're deflecting," Hermione wagged her finger in time with her scolding.
"I have to give Scabbers his rat tonic every ten hours and it's creating a bit of a mess with my sleeping patterns," Ron groaned, "Sometimes it's really late and others are really early, I had to be up at five this morning."
"How unfortunate," Kurt gave a tight lipped smile, "I hope Scabbers recovers soon enough."
"What happened to donating him to 'Science'?" Ron asked defensively, "Who is Science anyway?"
"Science isn't a person," Hermione giggled, "it's a series of facts, theories, laws and mathematical equations that explain the way the universe works."
"The reason we suggested it was so that they could hypothesise theories on his extended lifespan and translate that into a formula that could be used on humans," Kurt explained.
"Are they trying to donate Scabbers to science again?" Harry plopped himself on the bench opposite the trio.
"Who apparently isn't a person," Ron looked affronted, "they want to use him to make maths."
Harry gave a small laugh, "I know science isn't a person."
"How did you know that?" Ron's eyes looked wide.
"We all grew up with muggles," Kurt smiled as he spoke, "We learnt science in school."
Realisation dawned on Ron and he stuffed a celebratory bacon sandwich in his mouth, "I always thought I knew a good bit about muggles but since meeting you three I'm beginning to question that."
"You know a good deal more than most," Hermione shrugged before becoming transfixed by something in the direction of the door.
Kurt followed her line of vision but saw nothing, he shrugged 'What?'
She pointed to herself, 'me'.
He subtly put his fingers on the side of his face where they pointed to his eye, 'see?'
She nodded her affirmation.
"Are you two having a private conversation?" Ron barked, "Behind my back?"
"Well," Hermione fiddled with her fingers nervously, "if you hadn't sat between us this wouldn't be a problem."
"Well maybe…" Ron seemed at a loss for words, "Maybe you two shouldn't private conversations."
"Oh please," Kurt rolled his eyes, "as if you and Harry don't have non-inclusive and indecipherable conversations about quidditch and other boring things."
Ron gave him a patronising scoff, "this from the person who enjoys History of Magic, I'm surprised you even understand the theory of being bored."
"History of Magic is intellectually stimulating," Kurt countered with a condescending tilt of his head, "the same can't be said for the brutish activities that excite you."
"What's going on here?" Neville lowered himself into the seat beside Harry.
Harry let out a haggard breath, "the Kurt and Ron show."
Kurt stopped arguing and turned to the dark haired boy, "You got the name right."
"I resent being billed second," Ron scowled.
Kurt gaped in confusion, "it's in alphabetical order."
"Maybe we should try oldest to youngest," Ron suggested derisively.
Hermione rolled her eyes, "The pair of you exhaust me."
"Your face exhausts me," Ron and Kurt chorused before punctuating their statement with tight-lipped smiles.
Their conversation, or lack thereof, was halted when raucous laughter from the Slytherin table; at this point they noticed that Harry's usual silence was not the silence they were currently enjoying, the dark haired boy was seething.
"What's so funny?" Ron looked confused.
"Why don't you ask Potter?" Draco guffawed at his statement.
Ron gave the Slytherins a condescending look, "Who do you think I'm asking?"
"Malfoy and Pansy were simply re-enacting the debacle with the Dementor from last night," Harry spoke between gritted teeth.
"I heard Hummel pissed himself," Pansy threw her head back with a shrill laugh.
Kurt rolled his eyes, barely allowing himself to be baited, "Really? That's the best you can come up with? I feel like you've been laughing about a trivial and fabricated event for longer than anyone of competent intelligence should."
"What was that Hummel?" Draco sneered getting to his feet.
"Exhibit B," Hermione and Kurt giggled.
Pansy shot to her feet with a small growl, "Watch it Penis breath!"
"Watch yourself Pugface," Kurt's words were small and calculated, they had the attention of his peers as he faced off with dark haired girl.
"The dementors are looming Hummel," Her teeth were gritted as she spat the words.
"I look at you on a daily basis," Kurt adjusted an imaginary stray hair, "I'm sure it doesn't get any uglier."
There was silence in the great hall as the student body watched on, waiting for the next blow but it didn't come; Lee Jordan, the Gryffindor fifth year who commentated the Quidditch fixtures, chose this moment to add his two cents, "Kurt, you stay. Pansy, sashay away."
There were roars of laughter as the girl went running from the Slytherin long table but Kurt didn't join in the festivities. Kurt slowly got to his feet and grabbed his Fendi, he lightly tapped Hermione on the shoulder to follow. When they came to the doorway, Kurt turned back to the jovial masses, "I'm appalled, my behaviour was deplorable at best but to draw pleasure from the misfortune of others is an indication of severe sadistic dysfunction."
Kurt and Hermione exited with sufficient haste to see Pansy disappearing around a corner, they followed her with an urgency in each step, catching up to her outside the ground floor girls bathroom of the east wing. Kurt tapped her on the shoulder, "Pansy, you're a bitch but even you don't deserve to be humiliated so publicly; for that I'm truly sorry."
Kurt extended a monogrammed handkerchief, she looked at it as though it were the mark of Satan, "You called me ugly and you think one apologising for it will make us friends."
"When did I say anything about wanting to be your friend?" Kurt retracted his extended hand with a snap, "I'm not apologising for what I said, I'm sorry you were embarrassed in front of the entire student body."
"Why?"
"It's called being civilised," Hermione added with a roll of her eyes, "Evidently you aren't familiar with said practice."
"Shut up you bucktoothed mudblood," Pansy snapped the words so quickly that both Hermione and Kurt were caught unawares.
Kurt moved to speak but Hermione tapped him on the shoulder and spoke in his place, "Listen here you stupid little girl," her voice was a low and menacing whisper, "if you call me that again I'm going to slit your throat and feed you entrails to Crookshanks."
For a moment Kurt thought the words to not only be out of character, but unnecessary, before remembering Hermione's experience at the Slytherin long table whilst in disguise; the things those girls had said to her about both Hermione and him were enough to convince Kurt to the necessity of the words.
The pair turned to leave, parting the sea of Pansy minions waiting. Suddenly, they realising that she'd gotten the gall to insult Hermione from her misconception that there was power in numbers; Hermione looked each girl in the eye angrily, "That goes for the lot of you."
~0~
Once their anger had subsided, not that it took very long, Kurt and Hermione had decided to start the day in step with Harry and Ron by attending Divination in first period, not wanting to disappear and appear tired or somehow different; they simply couldn't explain a trip to the bathroom that revolutionary. Finding their way to the seventh floor of the North Tower had taken a bit of work, considering they never had reason to go above the second floor in the north easterly region of the castle; they had received instruction from Angelina Johnson to ascend the tower till they came to a ladder that led into a hatch in the ceiling. They had insisted Ron and Harry climb in first, then Kurt had kept watch for boys whilst Hermione climbed; he had made a mental note to complain about impracticality of this entrance hatch to the necessary power.
The Divination classroom looked less like a classroom than any he'd seen before, Kurt felt that even his piano class seemed more scholastic than this one; the classroom was draped lavishly with a multitude of coloured fabrics that dimmed the light and created a tent like atmosphere, there were round tables with mismatched tea sets in the centre of the five or so round tables with floral overlays and four seats. Kurt and Hermione had seated themselves at the table adjacent to that which Ron and Harry were seated at, as they had found that the pair of boys had joined an already partially occupied table with Seamus and Dean.
"It's has been a good day so far," Padma placed her bag on the table as she seated herself beside Kurt, "Don't you say?"
Hermione shook her head, "this is our first lesson of the day."
"How were Ancient Runes and Arithmancy?" Kurt tilted his head sweetly.
Padma shrugged, "there seemed to be some overlap with the subject selection seminar but otherwise it was a slow start."
The three let out dissatisfied groans simultaneously as though they had been doing so their whole lives, at this moment a thin woman who was bent under the weight of the multiple chunky necklaces she had strung around her neck came into the classroom from the back, she stood in the doorway with big poofy hair and spectacles that magnified her eyes to insectoid proportions observing the class. The woman wafted between the curved arrangement of round tables in the semi-conically shaped classroom and spoke in a high and modulus voice, "Welcome, my children, to Divination; an incubus of the beyond, you have chosen to journey into yourself and open your inner eye."
Neville groaned as he slumped into the seat beside Hermione, "Why do I get the idea this is going to be a waste of my time?"
"I am Professor Trelawney and together we shall cast ourselves into the future," her voice rung at the end of that sentence for a moment, she had her hands extended toward them as though expecting applause.
"Because she's crazy," Hermione rolled her as she thumbed through her copy of Unfogging the Future aimlessly.
Professor Trelawney lowered her arms with a tired breath, "This term we will learning Tessomancy, the art of reading tea leaves." She wafted back to the single-seater round table in the centre of the room, "For those of you who have the sight this will be a breeze but for those of you who don't," She seemed to look at their table as she relayed the tail end, "I'm afraid books can only take you so far."
"Did she just?" Padma left the question open ended but they knew what she meant as Kurt and Hermione let out chorused confirmative reply.
"Now, Pour and drink your tea," Professor Trelawney gestured to the tea sets that centre in the middle of each of their tables, she then laid a hand on Neville's shoulder with a loud clunk from the chunky enamel bracelets she wore, "Be a darling and use the striped China when you've broken that one, I'm rather fond of those with the pink flowers and as with all good things they are in short supply."
"Wait," Kurt raised his hand before she could waft off, "If you know he's going to break that cup then why would you put it out?"
Professor Trelawney clicked her tongue in time with the clicking of metal on metal produced by her many necklaces as she shook her head, "time stretches out before us like a country road, I can see the mountains and cities but I cannot tell you distance and particulars, thus they are unavoidable and hence comes into play inevitability."
Hermione furrowed her brow in deep though, "Basically you're telling us that divination is an off scale map?"
"Why not put him on an alternate route?" Padma queried with a tilt of her head.
"Yes," Hermione snapped to attention as she caught the girl's wavelength, "put him on a metaphorical bypass?"
Professor Trelawney wagged a patronising finger, "Yes, but as soon as he returned to the normal road he would reencounter the obstacle he was avoiding."
"Let's drop this terrible metaphor," Kurt shook the confusion from his head, "You're telling us that if you put those cups in storage then Neville would break every cup in this classroom till he ended up forced to use that one and then break it?"
As though relieved, Professor Trelawney let out a sigh that relaxed her body and deflated her hair slightly, "Yes child."
"In that case," Neville shrugged and threw the cup on the ground, where it shattered into a hundred tiny shards. Professor Trelawney looked scandalised, "Now, which one was I supposed to break next?"
She blinked vaguely a couple of times before moving around the class and encouraging her students to drink the scalding tea at speed. By the time he managed to finish his tea, Kurt had a dissatisfied scowl on his face; it was not chai and there was no lemon.
"Now once you've drank your tea to completion, I want you to swap cups with the person sitting opposite to you," She nodded an agreement to her own statement, "With reference to the textbook, read the tea leaves."
Kurt took Hermione's cup and opened his textbook to the table of symbols, he looked deeply into the cup and nodded at frequent intervals; he grabbed Hermione's hand as if to deliver bad news, "my child, it not good."
"What is it?" Neville's eyes grew and he leaned in with his curiosity piqued.
"I see flossing, as soon as this lesson is over because you drank bagless tea without a strainer and it's probably stuck in your braces," Hermione gasped reprehensibly as if she'd received the worst possible news whilst her table giggled loudly.
"Well," She looked into Kurt's cup and shook her head, "I see a 'cross' and an 'apple' representing 'trials and suffering' and 'knowledge' respectively; I think it's because you are going to struggle to learn something useful in this class."
There was a second round of laughter from their table, Professor Trelawney gave them a disapproving look. Neville grabbed Padma's cup and looked deeply disturbed then leaned in to show the contents to Kurt and pretended to whisper something in his ears to which Kurt gave a solemn nod. Neville shook his head and put down the cup, "In your future Padma, and I've corroborated this with Kurt, I see… a cute boy."
"Cute boy?" Professor Trelawney crossed her arms which caused an angry clanking sound as her bracelets collided, "And what, might I ask does that mean?"
She gestured for them to hand her their cups, First she looked at Hermione, "What did he tell you?" Hermione nervously repeated Kurt's prediction, "Nonsense, this clearly shows that sadness and loneliness lie ahead of you"
Hermione's jaw fell open as Professor Trelawney turned to Kurt, he relayed Hermione's reading to which she responded by shrugging, "the darkness within you will make itself known soon enough."
"I'm sure Voldemort's Divination professor said the same thing to him," Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Is your Grandmother well?" She turned to Neville as she grabbed the cup from Padma, she shrugged and then turned to Padma after receiving her cup, "Cute boy? Hmm… that's exactly what the cup says, ten points to Ravenclaw."
"I made the reading," Neville squealed in bewilderment.
Professor Trelawney nodded, "Ah, yes, five points to Gryffindor as well." She flourished her robes as she turned to Lavender, grabbing her hand, "that which you've been dreading most will happen on Friday the fifteenth of October."
She then wafted on to Ron, "Your aura is pulsing, are you in the beyond?"
"If he was sitting next to Kurt something would be throbbing," Hermione joked, earning herself a kick under the table from Kurt.
Professor Trelawney ignored her and approached the table of Gryffindor boys, "What do the leaves say?"
"Well…" Ron, whilst supressing a violent blush brought on by Hermione's teasing, turned the cup over in his hands as though trying to figure out which way up was, "Harry's got a cross." The boy flipped through his textbook, "That's 'trials and suffering' and the sun which is 'happiness', so you're going to suffer but you're going to be happy about it?"
Professor Trelawney gestured for him to hand her the cup, "Yes, suffering but you'll be the better for it," she mumbled this, not really speaking to anyone but suddenly she stopped and dropped the cup, "my dear, you have the Grimm."
"What's the Grimm?" Seamus turned to their table and all four turned their heads.
"The Grimm," A heavy set dark skinned Gryffindor boy known simply as 'Bem' read a low raspy voice, "is an omen of death taking the form of a giant spectral black dog."
"In future," Dean coughed nervously as he spoke, "Can we have someone with a more cheerful voice read that?That shit was dark Bem."
~0~
Kurt and Hermione had been quite surprised when they entered the Muggle Studies classroom, the last time he'd been in this classroom it hadn't been very different from every other classroom at Hogwarts but it now resembled the classrooms he hadn't seen since his departure from UCS; there were two columns of two rows of standard school grade double seater desks and a fifth that was centred in the third row, there was a large desk at the front of the classroom and a blackboard. Beside the desk stood Dr Rhodes and a tall woman with auburn hair that was pulled into a loose bun.
"Take your seats," Dr Rhodes smiled brightly and flipped her golden locks as she waited for them to find their way, "This is Professor Charity Burbage, she is your new Muggle Studies Professor after the departure of Professor Shafiq at the end of last year. Professor Burbage is from America and has a little something called MPD, do any of you know what that is?"
Hermione's hand shot up, "Multiple Personality Disorder."
"Very good, ten points to Gryffindor," Dr Rhodes gave her a thumbs up, "Now I just want you to all know that it's perfectly okay, her personalities are semi-integrated and will not hinder her teaching abilities; from what I've heard they will improve them." The class was silent from a mixture of awe and disinterest, "Okay, you have fun."
And with that, Kurt's scholastic role model was gone. Ten pairs of eyes came to rest on the thin woman and she shrunk under the gaze, "Good afternoon, my name is Charity Burbage and I'm the original or at least I think I am." Nobody laughed at the joke, "This is my standard appearance but I am a metamorphmagus and so each of my identities has the pleasure of their own appearance. Before I begin my lesson I will give you a rundown of the syllabus and your teachers as is only fair: On Thursdays I will teach Social Sciences which will include History, Geography, Politics and Economics of muggle society. On a Monday you can expect a tall, thin, pray mantis like, narcissistic man by the name of Dr Sheldon Cooper to teach you Physical Science, Chemistry and Biology; thanks to the patriarchal society in which we live I have two male identities which really only serves to set the woman's movement back. Tuesdays will be for English, French and Art with Mr Douglas Newman but he will insist you call him 'Hector'; I apologise in advance for his less than savoury behaviour. Finally, we have Wednesday; with the only person you might get sympathy from and that is Mrs Bobby Markowitz, your Accountancy, Home and Business Economics teacher. Are there any questions?"
Seven of the ten hands in the classroom shot up immediately; the exceptions were Finn, Ernie and Justin who seemed more interested in comparing their biceps. Overwhelmed by the positive response she first called on Mandy Bracklehurst, the blond haired Ravenclaw girl introduced herself and gave the audience a condescending smile, "What can we expect in terms of coherence and consistency in the testing and grading of this subject?"
"You will be very busy but I shan't be bombarding you with tests and assignments," Professor Burbage then drew a perfect circle on the board by hand, "your marks for third and fourth year will be worked out as follows; first your total divided into four equal parts of twenty five percent, within that there will be three-fifths exam and two-thirds classwork which results in a sixty-forty split."
Many of the hands went down, she next called on Kurt, "Hi, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel; I'm alright with your disorder and I have no qualms because Dr Rhodes says it isn't an issue."
"I sense a 'but' coming along," She gave a small nervous laugh.
"I have some reservations about you teaching so many different subjects," Kurt spoke politely, not wanting her to feel he was questioning her credibility, "What qualifies you to do so?"
"I have a masters in Social Science; my mother after whom I modelled Bobby, was a High School Economics and Accountancy teacher as well as a homemaker all my life; my ex-husband had a PhD in Physics and when he left me, all that garbage he'd told me and the scientific journals he left behind formed Dr Cooper; Hector is based on the character from the play 'History Boys' and knows everything he knows." She smoothed down the lapels on her back blazer, "I've also lived as a muggle outside of school for the last forty-seven years."
There were no hands left up, she cleaned the board before turning to the class, "Today we will be discussing muggle history in a free flowing discussion of ideas and I implore you to participate. Who has been the most influential figure in muggle history? Substantiate."
"Vladimir Zworykin," Finn shouted out before turning to high-five his friends in agreement.
"Firstly, I never thought I'd need to tell you this but just because I don't expect you to raise your hands doesn't mean that I want to be shouted at; there are only ten of you, speak normally," She gave Finn a disapproving look, "What makes you think that particular man was most influential?"
"Well," Finn scratched the back of his neck nervously, "he invented the iconoscope on which BBC was first broadcasted, he revolutionised modern television."
"As significant as that may be," Kurt gave a patronising smile, "I doubt it's nearly as important as the work of Sir Charles Algernon Parsons, his work extends to but is not limited to his significant contribution to the electrical engineering field; he invented the steam turbine and worked as an engineer on dynamo and turbine design."
"Cute," Hermione gave him a small flip of her hair, "But he's not exactly Gloria Steinem."
Kurt bowed his head with a roll of his eye, "Please don't give me that 'Woman's movement' thing."
"I'm sorry" Padma's mouth fell open as she gave Kurt a scrutinising look, "but how is the feminist movement not one of the most important events in history?"
"As important as it may be," Anthony countered, "it's too recent to qualify her as the most influential figure of all time, her impact hasn't been seen to fruition."
"That is such a misogynistic thing to say," Hermione squealed angrily.
"It's a valid thing to say," Professor Burbage countered, earning a scowl from Hermione, "Remember that the key to viewing the past clearly is objectivity, influence on a worldwide scale takes time and is unlikely to have happened in recent history."
"Shakespeare!" Justin exclaimed triumphantly, the three Hufflepuff boys high-fived once more, "Almost everybody has read his works, all over the world his written works are renowned; they transcend the bounds of the cultural divide and time."
Anthony, Padma, Kurt and Hermione's mouths hung open; they were not expecting anything other than the odd joke from the circle of Hufflepuff boys and they were now recognising them for the academic threats that they were.
"Plato," Hermione tried to argue but shook her head, "No, that's not right."
"Napoleon," Terry Boot, a dark haired Ravenclaw boy, tried.
"Jesus Christ!" Anthony looked confused by his words but then set about trying to substantiate it before he could lose the platform he'd created for himself, "He, like, influence hundreds of people in his lifetime but also, like, created an entire religious movement."
"Wouldn't God supersede him?" Padma tried her hand, "Like, he's the big cheese."
"But there's no definitive proof that either of those people existed," Kurt countered, trying to gain control and intellectual prowess over his peers in an attempt to impress Professor Burbage, "If we're going down the religious route, within reason then it would have to be Abraham." There were a couple of blank stares and Professor Burbage egged him on, "well, he's 'Father Abraham' the supposed originator of the three most prominent religions on earth. He influenced Judaism, Christianity and Islam, observed by fifty-seven percent of the world's population; furthermore, even people who don't observe these religions adhere to the lessons that spring boarded from his teachings."
"Oh yeah?" Ernie raised a brow, "Like what?"
"Like circumcision," Kurt narrowed his gaze and the boy blushed violently, "A clear example of a procedure he was one of the first people recorded to have practiced that is still done today, even people who don't follow Abrahamic Monotheism do it."
"You are nasty," Finn wrinkled his nose at him.
"Are we all in agreement?" Professor Burbage looked out them, "Well done, ten points to Slytherin."
"Is he always right?" Anthony rolled his eyes.
"You get used to it," Finn, Hermione and Kurt chorused.
Professor Burbage cleared her throat, "the significance of this exercise has been to make you aware that history as we know it was created by influence; both positive and negative. These historic events influenced where our countries are divided, the way we create policy and laws, and the way we feel about these things." She smiled from where she stood stiffly with her hands tightly clasped over her naval, "All of these big people and even the little ones who've lived their lives are summed up in two words in social science; people and places."
~0~
Hermione, Kurt and Padma had made quick haste of making their way back an hour and down to their final lesson of what had been a long day; they were on their way to Care for Magical Creatures, their ninth lesson of the day. Kurt's Monster Book of Monsters was purring in his arms as they joined Harry and Ron, they were gushing over a pamphlet of broomsticks and exclaiming excitedly at the prospects each would have for the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
"That was quick," Ron furrowed his brow as the three manipulators of time took stride with the pair.
"We went to the bathroom, not the other side of the world," Hermione had become practised in the art of suavity during their tenure at Hogwarts, she could ease anyone's qualms in an effort to distract from whatever it was she was up to; it was the effortlessness and subtlety that impressed Kurt most, to some degree he envied her for it.
"No need to get catty," Ron held his hands up defensively.
"You're lucky we're only getting catty," Hermione had switched to scolding now, "I think it's rather creepy that you're monitoring our bathroom breaks."
"I'm not monitoring your bathroom breaks," Pavarti and Lavender walked by as Ron exclaimed his defence, he blushed violently, "I'm not monitoring their bathroom breaks."
"Okay," Padma nodded slowly, "You guys are weird, I think I'm going to go with my sister."
They waved her off, Kurt gave a small laugh, "She thinks this is weird, she wouldn't last a day with Dad and Carole."
"Worst week of my life," Harry and Hermione chorused with a shudder.
Ron raised a brow, "What happened?"
"They're all nice," Harry began, "Luring you in with the alcohol and the drugs but then BAM!"
"They make you go shopping with Kurt," Hermione shook her head, "also, there are no boundaries in that house."
"You guys," Kurt chuckled lightly at their reaction, "It's not that bad, they only snuck away to have sex like… twice."
Hermione gave him a look that said 'really?' whilst Harry simply narrowed his eyes, "It's because they announced every other time."
"Okay," Ron looked at him with wide eyes, "Your parents sound awesome and that explains why Finn is such a cool chap but what's your story?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Kurt stopped dead in his tracks and gave him a glare of death.
"No offense but you're…" Ron trailed off, trying to find a way to say what he meant without offending Kurt.
"Anal Retentive," Hermione said for him with an eye roll.
"You're so anal, you'll never get to oral," Harry joked.
"That makes no sense," Kurt raised his index finger, "According to Sigmund Fraud 'Oral' comes before 'Anal'." Kurt realised how loudly he was speaking when he saw all the eyeballs that were on him, he also hadn't realised that they'd come to the clearing outside Hagrid's hut, "Bite me."
"I could have told you that oral comes before anal," Seamus joked.
There was rowdy applause and laughter from his peers, Kurt could feel the blush rising from his collar as he stepped up to the sandy haired boy, he whispered loud enough for everyone to hear, "it would be more fun if you showed me."
There were wolf whistles all around as Seamus paled speechlessly, Kurt gave a small smile but didn't move from within the boy's personal space; if he backed away then that might be misconstrued as further weakness, the dementor incident on the Hogwarts Express had already used up too big a portion of his integrity and he couldn't stand to lose anymore. Seamus fell back, Dean gave him a pat on the back but this didn't stop him from laughing out raucously.
"Do you have to do that?" Ron gave him a disapproving look through hooded lids.
"Whatever do you mean?" Kurt tilted his head as he turned his fury book over in his hands in an effort to figure out how to read it.
Ron shrugged, "Isolate yourself from everyone? You could have just laughed."
Kurt gave a piercing look as an awkward silence hung over them, it was Harry who killed the silence, "So divination this morning, apparently I'm going to die this year."
Hermione took the cue and moved with the new subject, "Professor McGonagall told me that Professor Trelawney predicts the death of a student every year and nobody ever dies. Besides, Divination is a woolly subject."
"I don't know," Kurt shrugged as he moved on from Ron's accusation, "She did predict a cute boy in Padma's future and she was sitting next to Finn in Arithmancy."
"That was before Divination," Hermione nodded slowly, "and she said that I'd be sad and alone."
"And I'm not planning to die for the next hundred and fifteen odd years," Kurt's eye went wide, "I'm not leaving you anytime soon so that's not about to happen."
"Could we backtrack just a moment," Ron held up an interjectory finger, "Arithmancy? That's in the same time as divination; that would mean you were in two places at once, that's impossible."
"Really?" Kurt gave him a look over the frame of his glasses, "There was a thousand year old snake in the basement and you want to talk to me about impossible?"
"Besides," Hermione rolled her eyes at them, "how could someone be in two places at once?"
"Well, it migh-" Ron's protestations were drowned out by the same mouth trumpeting Hagrid had done when he'd showed his pumpkin patch; Kurt and most of the class lazily turned to attention at the call to order. Hagrid stood before them at the edge of the dark forest, with him there was a large beast that was rather distinctive in appearance; it looked to be the largest grey eagle Kurt had known to exist up to where the shoulder joint of its talons and its large wings met, from there it was a silver stallion.
"Good morning, I'm Rubeus Hagrid and this is Buckbeak," Hagrid gestured for the students to move closer, "Okay, come closer I'm not going to bite you. Stop the talking if you don't mind. Right, I have a good treat for you if you'll follow me."
Hagrid led the class into the Forbidden Forest, Susan Bones' eyes grew wide as she pointed ominously into the thicket of trees "In there?"
"I thought we weren't allowed in there," A second Hufflepuff girl shrugged.
Hagrid paid the passive protestations of the students no mind as he came to a clearing adjacent to a pen that was filled with more creatures like the one that was following him around, He gestured to the magnificent beast, "Does anyone here know what Buckbeak here is?"
Kurt's hand shot up, he noted that he was the only one and blushed slightly; Hagrid called on him, "A hippogriff."
"Somebody's read their textbook," Hagrid gave him a smile, "five points to Slytherin. Open your books to page… what was it Kurt?"
"I read Fantastic Beasts," Kurt blushed as he nervously stroked the pelt of his text book, "I don't know how to get this open."
Hagrid gave a bewildering look to the group at large, "have any of managed to open your textbooks?"
"If you can't get the nerd squad to do it, it's unlikely that the rest of us will have managed," Lavender giggled, breaking the silence that had washed over the class.
Kurt rolled his eyes, Hagrid gave a disappointed look to the masses and consulted a piece of crumpled up parchment from his pocket, "Stroke the spine, it's on page fourty-nine."
Hagrid disappeared for a moment whilst the class at large attempted to open their textbooks; when Kurt stroked the spine he received a coo and purr in reply as the Monster Book of Monsters's teeth retracted and the pages fell open. Some students, namely Neville, battled to soothe their books sufficiently.
"I think they're funny," Hermione commented as she dropped her large backpack.
"Oh yes," An arrogantly smooth voice that could only belong to Draco called from behind them, "They're terribly funny, really witty." The sarcasm in his tone was evident and on either side his lackeys were laughing assuredly, "God this place has gone to the dogs, I can't believe Dumbledore has this oaf teaching classes; wait till my father hears about this."
As he often did when dealing with Draco Malfoy, Harry was seething, "Shut up Malfoy."
Draco and company laughed; the blond boy handed off his messenger bag and stepped up to Harry, towering over him but that wasn't hard to do. Suddenly Draco's arrogant smile fell and was replaced by a look of falsified fear, "Dementors, Dementors!"
The class whipped their heads around to where Draco had pointed but Kurt kept his gaze fixed on the boy, "The approach of a dementor is always preceded by a drop in temperature, does no one read?"
The trio of Slytherin louts pulled the hoods of their robes over their heads and made accompanying ghoulish sounds; Harry stood, routed on the spot, fuming. Hermione had to pull him away to prevent a scene.
"I can't believe they are still doing that," Kurt crossed his arms angrily over his chest, "I think I might have to burn Draco's face again."
"Didn't you almost get expelled for that?" Neville asked in an airy voice.
Ron looked him over and shook his head, this drew Kurt's attention to the boy's dishevelled appearance, "You were supposed to stroke it," The red haired boy shook his head even as he spoke, "Should I take you to the hospital wing?"
Neville shook his head, "just this jersey and my hair are ruined, since Finn is the only person who thinks it is sexy pushed back I think I'll survive in his absence."
"Gather round," Hagrid returned with what looked to be a fur scarf at first glance but was actually dead ferrets strung around his neck, he threw one at Buckbeak before turning to the class at large, "Well, first thing you want to know about Hippogriffs is that they are proud creatures," Hagrid began his explanation on the subject, Kurt couldn't follow where on the page the man was working from but didn't make a fuss of it, "they can be quite easily offended and as a general rule, you do not want to insult a hippogriff because it may be the last thing you do."
Kurt gave a bewildered look as he questioned whether the presence of a dangerous creature that was easily offended was a wise idea in the presence of the most insulting age group known to man or beast, "Now who wants to say hello?" Everybody in the class took a few steps back, Neville hid behind a rock, everyone that is except Harry, "Well done Harry."
Harry realised for the first time that everyone had left him out on the ledge alone, "Thanks guys."
Neville pushed him forward, "off you go."
"Move slow," Hagrid warned, "You can come closer to him."
Harry took a step so small that he barely looked to have moved, "Enough?"
"Again," Hagrid gestured with a nudge of his head, Harry took an even smaller step, "Okay, now bow nice and low." Harry did as he was told, "If he bows back then you can go over and touch him, if he doesn't… we'll get to that when it comes to that."
"That sounds safe," Kurt raised a brow; he got a disapproving look from Ron and an understanding one from Hermione.
Harry bowed, the hippogriff flapped his wings angrily with an indignant shriek, "Back off Harry."
Harry slowly backed away with a loud curse, he stayed bowed as he attempted a retreat. Buckbeak looked to calm down, he looked quizzically at Harry for a moment and then bowed his head. Hagrid looked to release a large sigh, "Okay come on and touch him."
Harry took a deep breath and slowly moved closer to Buckbeak, Harry held out his hand and Buckbeak met him halfway. Hagrid placed his hands on Harry's shoulders, and then in one swift movement he had placed Harry on Buckbeak's back, "Now you get to ride him."
Kurt's eyes grew wide as he watched Buckbeak take off at a run and took off into the sky, it didn't take long for the pair to disappear into the clouds. Hagrid watched the spot where Harry and Buckbeak had last been seen for a moment before turning to the remaining students, "Come along."
Hagrid ushered the class into the pen that housed nine more hippogriffs, he started picking off students to repeat the bowing ritual with the remaining hippogriffs; Neville elected to practice with the rock he had been crouching behind, Kurt chose to abstain whilst Ron and Hermione volunteered when no one else would. Hagrid's first lesson seemed to be coming along well, Kurt's doubts were alleviated when Harry returned unharmed from his excursion.
"You're not scary at all," Kurt knew that those words from Draco Malfoy were a disaster in the making. Kurt, along with the rest of the class, turned to watch Draco antagonise Buckbeak, "You're just overgrown chicken."
"Malfoy," Hagrid took off across the clearing at speed, "Stop, stand very still."
"Still?" Draco scoffed, "I'm not scared of this, if hippogriffs are scary then this one's the runt of the litter."
Buckbeak flapped his wings angrily and squawked at a pitch that sent shivers up Kurt's back, the hippogriff swiped its talon at Draco and he blocked with his forearm. The large creature, which had quickly gone from majestic to terrifying, attempted to swoop down and head-butt Draco but Hagrid came in and with his great size tackled the hippogriff to the ground; he pinned it to the ground whilst Vincent and Gregory carried Draco from the now monstrously screeching hippogriff. Hagrid threw a dead ferret off to the side and made great haste over to where Draco lay injured on the ground, he observed the wound and looked unsure how to advance.
"Oh, it's killed me," Draco sobbed violently, "My father will hear of this."
"He needs to be taken to the hospital wing," Hermione suggested.
"Right," Hagrid nodded rigorously, "it's best I do it, I'm the teacher."
Kurt and Hermione exchanged looks that simply said one thing, 'Disaster'.
Hope you liked it!
Origin of Prof Burbage alternates:
Bobby Markowitz- Bette Midler's character in Stepford Wives, Robot-version.
Dr Sheldon Cooper- Big Bang Theory
Douglas 'Hector'- is from History Boys, I'm not sure if the play was around in the early nineties (this because she directly references it).
Charity Burbage- an amalgamation of the original character from the books and Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile