A/n: Hi guys, just an offering to tide you over because I have been surprisingly busy for like a day.

we're getting closer and closer to the end of the mystery section of this story and because I hate secrets I'm just being very obvious.

the italics conversations are french except the part where Kurt reads Rita's article, I try and stay away from languages i don't know because google translate puts you in a pickle and I'd rather use the odd word here and there.

Kurt, who had come to feel neutral about his rooming situation over time, had come to dread returning to his room in the week that followed the incident with Buckbeak; Draco had been released from the hospital wing the following day with a fractured radius, the boy had since laid in his bed and loudly perpetuated the idea that he was at deaths door, and going as far as to receive visits and gifts from well-wishers and first years who were bullied into doing so by Gregory and Vincent. After frequent complaining and pressuring from a miserable Kurt, who had earned a detention for his efforts, Professors McGonagall and Snape had finally succumbed and nudged the boy back into normal school life; he taken this as an opportunity to tell an overly exaggerated and dramatized version of that Care for Magical Creatures lesson to anyone who would listen, this was usually followed by an assurance that his father would see Buckbeak put down and Hagrid on the curb; this part had Kurt worried.

On the opposite end of the spectrum there was school, Kurt had been having a pleasant week and was thriving under the pressure of his thirty hour days; he supposed that it was the frequent napping and ten hours of sleep he'd allocated to himself that had him walking clouds. At the present moment he wasn't walking on clouds, far from it as he was serving a Sunday morning detention; it wasn't that part that had dampened his mood, as a matter of fact when he was in first year he had served detention almost every day with Professor Snape but this wasn't Professor Snape's detention. Professor Lupin seemed to be taking all of Snape's detentions this year, at least this is what he told Kurt when he asked to reschedule.

Detention with Professor Lupin was a thorough waste of time, the man's lax attitude when it came to discipline had Kurt spending his morning 'doing whatever made him happy'. Normally Kurt wouldn't mind making himself happy but the present company made that rather difficult, Fred and George had taken this opportunity to catch up on days gone by and prevent him from reading.

"If we're going to talk then we're going to discuss your OWLs," Kurt interjected as they were recounting one of the pranks they had played on Ron over the summer.

"We're going to talk alright," George wiggled his brow as he spoke, this shrouded him in an air of mischief.

Fred mirrored the look perfectly without having seen it, "But we're not talking about school."

"We'd like to carry on discussing how we torture Ron," George leaned back in his seat to Kurt's left.

Fred leaned forward on Kurt's right, "but if you're in love with him and can't bear to hear it."

"We'll understand," They chorused with each placing their head on his shoulders and batting their eyelashes.

Kurt rolled his eyes, "As I recall it was him who claimed ownership of me, not the other way around."

"Kurt," they chorused with a shake of their heads, "You may just be the one thing colder than Oksana Baiul."

"You guys are too good to me," Kurt wiped an imaginary tear away.

"Let's discuss this," Fred placed a newspaper in front of him.

"The Daily Prophet? Really?" Kurt shot each of them a disappointed look, "it's not even good."

"Yes but this article by Rita Skeeter on page six is riveting," George opened the paper to the society pages.

"Oh look, it's me," Kurt smiled as he looked down at a black and white picture of himself that was striking poses and fixing its hair, "don't I look cute in my uniform? I think this may be one of Colin Creevy's pictures."

"Yes but read the article," Fred urged.

George scoffed, "you won't be so happy that the picture got your likeness so well."

Kurt cleared his throat and began to read the article out loud, "Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, once an unknown young wizard, has risen to notoriety amongst his peers for his cut-throat take-no-prisoners attitude. This academically gifted young Slytherin may appear to be just your run of the mill teenager but underneath that exterior of beauty and vanity is a sadist." Kurt's eyes shot open, "Wait, what?"

"There's more," Fred urged him to read on.

"This troubled young man has displayed a propensity for the dark arts as well as unhealthy obsession with peers Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory. Sources reveal that Hummel has used his superior knowledge to manipulate his way into the lives of fore mentioned students, the source further tells this writer that Hummel has frequently paralleled himself to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and claimed to be a descendent of the Dark Lord." Kurt's jaw hung open, "Why did no one show me this at breakfast? I didn't say that, other people said that; I wasn't even happy about it."

"You're not done," George egged him on.

"Whilst a younger Hummel might have gotten away with such a claim, this reporter says nay; the handsome young man seems to have grown to bare the striking good looks that many of us in Britain have come to associate with members of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Unnamed sources have led this writer to believe that Hummel is in fact the lovechild of escaped mass murderer Sirius Black III and then long-time girlfriend Emmeline Vance," Kurt slammed the paper on the desk in frustration and let out what he might if it hadn't been as high as it was.

"Apparently this Emmeline Vance lady refused to comment," George laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"So for now you're the son of a mass murderer," Fred joked.

"I really can't bring myself to care," Kurt shrugged dismissively, "After enough therapy my parentage has stopped mattering to me, I mostly just wanted to blame my parents for their terrible genes."

Kurt chose not to mention that with that blame came his cancer and his mother's death, he didn't tell them that he longed to place this misfortune at the feet of another.

"Don't worry," George smiled reassuringly.

"We don't believe a word of it," Fred stated flatly.

"None of it is true," George argued.

"Well, there were a few good compliments in there that were true," Kurt argued back, "like she called me academically gifted, beautiful, vain, handsome and she said I possessed superior knowledge."

"There's no convincing us!" Fred protested.

"It's all a lie!" George exclaimed.

"We should burn it," the pair suggested before beginning to chant, "Burn, burn, burn."

"But it's such a good picture," Kurt held the paper to his chest, away from both boys, "And how many times does one get their picture in the paper?"

"You've been in the paper every year since you started here," George raised a brow.

Fred continued in the same quizzical tone, "You were on the cover in your first year."

"Yes but that was with everyone else," Kurt knew that it was all tall order trying to get people to understand how his mind worked, it had taken him a couple of years to understand it himself, "It's a good picture and the article, though defaming to an extent, views me in a positive light as genius of sorts and someone worth gossiping salaciously about."

"I didn't think it was possible for somebody to be so self-absorbed or so in love with themselves that they would willingly take criticism and insult if it were served with a side compliment," A voice said from behind them.

Kurt understood that it was early in the year and detention was kind of empty but he hadn't been expecting anyone to be listening to their conversation, "I didn't know there was anybody here not just rude enough to eavesdrop on our private conversation but who also possessed the gall to comment, I guess we were both wrong but that happens when you assume things about people." Kurt turned to see who stare down the rude character but shrank when he found himself facing Professor Lupin, the man cleared his throat and Kurt looked away, "this is awkward for me."

"As it should be," the man nodded with a devilish smile that made his weathered face look like it had once been handsome before the cruelty of time had aged it, "I wasn't eavesdropping, simply came over to remind you that this is detention and though there are four of you here; you are still expected to at least whisper as though you were actually being punished, people are trying to sleep." Kurt looked at the stoner Hufflepuff sixth year sleeping near the front, "you can be surprised when I received a lesson on manners in my own classroom."

"We get it," Kurt tilted his head condescendingly, "We're being loud, I'm self-absorbed and you apparently know better. I think we have our basis covered."

Professor Lupin had come around to rest on the desk opposite to Kurt's seat, "You really have no idea how to talk to people, do you?"

"I did the whole blind respect thing and it back fired," the man raised a brow and his forehead crinkled, Kurt noted that it wasn't completely unattractive, "our last Defence Against the Dark Arts professor professed his superior knowledge and intellect, he even claimed to know where the Chamber of Secrets was and what beast lay inside; imagine my surprise when Harry Potter comes to save me instead of the media darling Gilderoy Lockhart, to add insult injury he caused a cave in that not only could have potentially crushed Ron and Harry but also trapped Ginny, Harry and I in the chamber with the Heir and Serpent of Slytherin. The one before him had Voldemort on the back of his head, again he tried to kill students. Simply put, twice is coincidence and I want to see if this is a pattern."

"He isn't wearing a turban," George pointed out.

"So chances of him having You-Know-Who on the back of his head are slim," Fred added with snigger.

"And based on the lessons we've had he seems to know which end of a wand to use," George shrugged.

Fred raised his index finger as Kurt sometimes did, "I think he might actually know a spell or two."

"You guys are too kind," Professor Lupin chuckled, the corners of his eyes crinkled.

"I'm not amused," he shot the three a disapproving look.

"Let me ask you a question," Professor Lupin crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'll humour you," Kurt nodded as he pulled out a compact and fixed his hair.

"What made you think you could cast a Patronus?"

"You mean on the train?" Kurt blushed at the memory of his failure but didn't let it fluster him, "I honestly couldn't think of a reason why it wouldn't work, I'm one of the most powerful young wizards and I use magic way beyond my level all the time so I couldn't think of a reason why this situation would be any different."

"You're one of the most powerful young wizards?" George gave him a doubtful look.

Fred matched the look, "Says who?"

"Professor Dumbledore," Kurt gave a small smile, "He's the president of my fan club."

"I thought that was Goyle," George joked which earned him a scowl from Kurt.

"Ron is not happy about that," Fred shook his head.

"He thinks it's irresponsible that they make you share a dorm with him," George gave Kurt a small nudge on the shoulder.

"First time I heard him use 'irresponsible' correctly," Fred joked.

"He usually says 'irresponsive'," George chuckled.

"But we set his mind at ease," Fred nodded proudly.

"Told him you could take care of yourself," George poked him with his finger to punctuate his statement.

"And Goyle was the one who should be worried," Fred looked self-satisfied as he spoke.

Kurt smiled broadly for a moment, "Ron is such a good friend to me."

"Funny, he says the same about you," Fred raised a curious brow.

George made awkward hand gestures that Kurt soon realised were actually rude, "there's a tension between you two and everyone can see it."

"I saw it," Professor Lupin added from where he'd been quietly observing.

"It's complicated," Kurt gave a small chuckle.

"Ooh, gossip!" George exclaimed with falsified girlish excitement.

Fred rested his head in his palms, "Share."

"Well there's not much to tell," Kurt issued a disclaimer before delving into the particulars, "Ron and I weren't really friends until the beginning of the year, we were kind of just in the same circle and tolerant of each other. When Hermione and Neville started doing their little thing, I ended up next to Ron in a lot of my classes because I swapped seats with Hermione which confused things."

"What are we supposed to do with all the 'Kurt and Ron Show' t-shirts we made?" Fred demanded.

"We're not getting the deposit back on those," George shook his head in disbelief.

Kurt shrugged, "I guess it's a different kind of show." Kurt's eyes went wide when he realised that Professor Lupin was still in their midst, "I just realised how inappropriate that conversation was in the presence of a teacher."

"If it makes you feel any better," the man smiled, "detention is almost over, so you won't have to worry about feeling awkward about it till your next lesson."

"I don't feel the least bit better," Kurt laid his head on the desk, "I'm going to look at my picture from the newspaper and leave early." Kurt flipped open the daily prophet, looked at the great picture of himself and smiled, "better already."

Kurt got up and left, to his utter surprise Hermione was pacing in front of the door, "Kurt!"

She hugged him tightly, "Do we have an appointment I forgot about because I'm sure I mentioned having detention multiple times."

"Why do you have detention on a Sunday anyway?" she asked him without letting him go.

"They finally figured out that Friday night with Hagrid was the only bad idea in all existence," Kurt gave a hearty chuckle into her shoulder, "why are we still hugging?"

"I have bad news," Hermione stroked his hair as she spoke.

Kurt rolled his eyes even though she couldn't see, "You know, I'm actually really good at taking bad news. I was once told that I had leukaemia and I dealt with that pretty well."

"That was about eight years ago and you did have panic attacks last year," Hermione pointed out.

"Is this about the article in The Daily Prophet?" Kurt tried to pre-empt him.

Hermione let him go and gawked at him, "How did you- Actually, you're Kurt Hummel and that's probably going to be your reply."

"Fred and George showed me," Kurt shrugged with a wicked smile, "I like your line of thinking as well." Hermione didn't say anything, "I liked the picture."

"You used to lose consciousness over your paternity and now you like your picture?" Hermione looked concerned.

"I think with the amount of therapy I've had I've reached a certain level of indifference," Kurt shrugged, "If I've learned anything from watching you it's that who our parents are doesn't say that much about who we are; your parents are muggles and you're the brightest witch of the age, genetics don't mean as much I thought they did."

"So you don't care?" Hermione looked confused now.

"Maybe my dad is an escaped mass murderer," Kurt shrugged, "I'm not an escaped mass murderer, I haven't even been convicted yet."

"You are the strangest little boy ever," she hugged.

"This is more touching than I'm comfortable with," Kurt smiled into Hermione's shoulder again.

"How was detention?"

Kurt shrugged then stopped, "Professor Lupin, he's actually handsome right? I'm not imagining that."

Hermione giggled, "Yes he is, why? Are you hot for teacher?"

Kurt linked up arms with Hermione and smiled, "I am not you, I have self-control."

"I was not hot for teacher; he had portrayed himself as a brave, handsome and celebrated hero," Hermione jeered, "the self-control bit is only applicable so long as no one makes you angry."

"What can I say?" Kurt let out a bell like laugh, "You won't like me when I'm mad."

~0~

Kurt had hung back to offer argument to Professor Binns on Salem Witch Hunts; he had read The Crucible and thought that the omission of innocent muggles that had lost their lives after being falsely accused of witchcraft, he had further thoughts on the statute of secrecy and whether it was necessary but Professor Binns shut him down as he always did. Kurt wasn't defeated or dejected as he had come to expect this of Professor Binns, Kurt had taken the rebuffing in stride and swiftly moved on to his Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson.

"Kurt," he turned at the sound of his name, people had to stop waiting for him in doorways or his heart might give way, "it's Terry, Terry Boot."

"I know who you are," Kurt looked the dark haired Ravenclaw boy over, he couldn't for the life of him think of any reason why Terry Boot would speak to him; they didn't run in the same circle nor did they have anything in common other than their flare for their scholastic careers and the colour of their hair, "I know everyone in our year."

"Can we talk?" the boy didn't seem nervous, he appeared to be uncomfortable; maybe he wanted Kurt to tutor him in Muggle Studies but that made no sense because Padma and Hermione were more approachable.

"Can we walk and talk?" Kurt jerked his head in the direction of Professor Lupin's classroom, "I don't want to be late, it's already complicated enough with Professor Lupin."

"I don't even know what that means so I'm going to go ahead and say my piece," Kurt gave an expectant nod, "I'd like to take you out on a date this weekend, in Hogsmead."

Kurt was caught unawares by the statement, "I beg your pardon, would you mind running that by me again?"

"Look, Anthony wants to take out Hermione but he's too shy to ask her and he's afraid of awkward silences," Kurt gave the boy a blank stare, "so he asked me to ask you to go out with me so you can ask Hermione to go out with him."

"I'm pretty smart and I found that hard to follow," Kurt let out a breath of understanding, "You want me to bring Hermione on a double date with you and Anthony?"

"Exactly," the boy exclaimed with tired breath, "but there'd be nothing between us."

"Just so you know you are not winning any favour with me by constantly reminding me that you're not interested in me," Kurt gave the boy a penetrative look, "If anything it might prompt me to call the whole thing off."

"Oh bullocks," the boy ran his hands through his hair angrily, "I'm the worst best friend ever."

"And I'm the best," Kurt smiled as he preened under his own compliment, "you are in luck because I advised Hermione to try dating a Ravenclaw boy and since Anthony is the cutest boy in third year it seems only fitting that he is with the prettiest girl at Hogwarts, at least that's what I'm going to tell her."

"You don't know how you're saving my life," Terry gave Kurt a chaste kiss on the cheek to show his appreciation, "Thank you."

"Oh Terrence," Kurt ran his index finger through the front of his quiff as he watched the boy walk ahead.

The boy turned to Kurt with a queer look on his face, "people don't call me Terrence."

"People also don't kiss people they aren't interested in," Kurt gave a devilish smile.

"Well…" the boy blushed as was expected of someone who'd potentially been caught in a lie.

"Except for Finn," Kurt shook his head as he deflected from the awkwardness he'd created, "Finn kisses everyone, don't get too near or he will go in for the kill and let you feel his boobs."

"I think they're called pecs on men," the boy gave a small chuckle as they entered their Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom.

"Really?" Kurt raised a snarky brow, "You're telling me what things are called? If this fake dating thing is going to work then you have to agree with everything I say."

"What happens if you're wrong?"

Kurt stopped in the doorway, he turned to the dark haired boy, "You really don't get how this works."

"Kurt, Terry," Professor Lupin stopped his lesson and smiled, "We were about to send out a search party for you."

"We're here," Kurt raised his hands in surrender, "I apologise for my own tardiness as I elected to discuss The Crucible in relation to real life Salem Witch Hunts with Professor Binns. I, however, cannot account for Terrance's tardiness."

"No need for excuses just don't let it happen again; in your absence I was telling your peers that I have found a boggart for you to face and practice your riddikulus jinx," The man nudged his head toward the door, "Follow me but I implore you to keep the peace as other people are in class."

Kurt quickly fell in step with Hermione, he had a self-satisfied smile on his face, "I am truly the world's number one best friend."

"Oh, you should put that on a mug for yourself," Hermione said with a fake laugh.

Kurt's jaw went slack, "Are you not going to ask me how I came by my achievement?"

Hermione took a deep breath and put on a fake smile, "Oh Kurt, what have you done in all your greatness?"

"You don't love me like you once did," Kurt narrowed his gaze as they came to the staff room.

Hermione let out a tired sigh, "Sweetheart I'm too exhausted to love myself, let alone another person. There are not enough hours in the day to do homework and study for twelve subjects."

"You're joking right?" Kurt gave her a disappointed glare as Professors Lupin and Snape discussed something that culminated in Neville being called to the front. Kurt didn't let his attentions be moved from Hermione, "You are one of the last people to complain about time being against you."

"I don't use… 'it' after school," Hermione hissed back at him.

"Why not?" Kurt gave one of his bell like laughs, "I use 'it' during school, to double my studying time and even to sleep."

"What does Kurt use to sleep?" Ron asked as he and Harry joined what was forming into a line around them.

"It's a girl thing," Hermione answered dismissively.

Ron nodded for a moment before giving them a quizzical look, "Kurt isn't a girl."

"We're talking about tampons," Kurt's tone told Ron that this was where the conversation ended.

Ron turned green and looked away, this was only for a moment, "How do tampons double your studying time."

"Stick one up your ass and you'll find out," Hermione's tone matched Kurt's now.

In an effort to avoid the gazes they'd earned from their peers they pretended to be paying attention to the lesson, something they hadn't realised they hadn't been doing. They looked to where Neville stood at the front of the line, Professor Lupin had been whispering something in his ears and Kurt wished he knew what. The wardrobe that stood at the front of the class creaked open and Professor Snape came out of it looking particularly peeved, Neville looked terrified and Kurt realised that the boggart had sensed his fear of Professor Snape and transformed itself into him. It seemed like Neville wasn't going to do anything until Professor Snape started in with the insults, the blue eyed boy raised his wand slowly and pointed it at the darkly dressed man and with a small flick of his wrist and an incantation of 'riddikulus' Professor Snape's dark clothes transformed into an emerald green tweed suit, a white blouse, black lace gloves, a bright red handbag and a large hat with a stuffed vulture on it; Kurt allowed his eyes to wonder and came to a pair of sensible kitten heel, he couldn't stop himself from laughing loudly with his peers.

"So," Hermione made sure not to raise her voice above a whisper so that Ron and Harry couldn't hear them, "You and Terry Boot were late."

Kurt smiled, "you finally want to know what makes me the world's number one best friend?" Hermione nodded and Kurt's self-satisfied smile returned as they moved along with the line, "Well, I hope you're available this weekend."

"This weekend is a Hogsmead weekend," Hermione said on a matter-of-fact tone.

"Precisely, you and I have dates with Anthony Goldstein and Terrence Boot respectively," Kurt adjusted Hermione's alice band whilst she processed the idea, "I did say we should try dating Ravenclaw boys."

"And Anthony is growing into a handsome young man," Hermione blushed as she spoke, "all shy and looking like broad shoulders are in his future."

"You read his tea leaves," Kurt joked.

"I read that body," Hermione purred in reply.

"You do know we can hear you," Ron pointed out.

"So," Hermione's playful tone fell, "you guys objectify women all the time and the whole point of feminism is that we're supposed to be able to do the same thing without consequence."

"We do not," Harry protested, speaking for the first time since the lesson started.

Kurt scoffed, "Do you think we don't remember the conversation about Millicent Bulstrode's oversized knockers from last year."

"I remember it," Finn snaked his head between Kurt and Hermione, trying to force himself between the pair, "she was the first person in our year to get boobs and they were so big, they still are. Kurt and Hermione are right though guys, Anthony has the kind of body that invites you to touch it."

"Amen," Kurt and Hermione nodded along as they moved in time with the line.

"Friendly reminder," Ernie squeezed into the same space Finn was in, effectively forcing Kurt and Hermione to unhook arms, "Sunday is a Muggle Activities meeting and we're playing rugby."

"Can't we start with hockey?" Kurt groaned, "I'm actually good at that."

"I second the motion," Hermione raised her hand in solidarity.

"You're getting free beer," Finn scolded, "Take what we give you and be grateful."

Hermione grabbed Harry's cheek playfully, "I just hope Harry doesn't fall asleep again, that was adorable."

"I hope I get hit on again," Kurt nodded to himself, "I feel like that doesn't happen enough in my life."

"You wanna go make out?" Finn winked at him.

"Also you're my brother, so it doesn't count," Kurt shook his head before mouthing back, 'call me'.

Professor Lupin cleared his throat, "Would the group in the back form a line, we're waiting for you."

Suddenly it dawned on them that whilst they were sexually objectifying the world the lesson had gone on, the Hufflepuff boys went first; Justin's boggart had been a Basilisk which luckily didn't manage to kill or petrify anyone, the boy had made quick work of turning it into a slinky spring that bounced lazily about the classroom. Ernie's boggart had been a dragon with spikes all over its scaly skin, he'd turned it into a chameleon with next to no effort. Ernie's choice to turn his boggart into a subspecies of lizard had been ironic as Finn's boggart was a gecko to which he had simply shrieked and jumped into his friends arms without attempting to defeat it, simply exclaiming that it was going to eat him.

Ron's boggart was familiar only to Kurt and Harry, it was Aragog in all his hairy, pincering, onyx eyed glory. At first Ron had whimpered at a pitch that was so high Kurt was sure only he and dogs could hear it, when he cast the riddikulus jinx Aragog's legs had disappeared and left him as an immobile thorax and abdomen which Kurt didn't think was particularly funny but who was he to judge.

When Harry had stepped up to centre stage, the Boggart had begun to twist itself into a dark shape but before it could properly take form Professor Lupin stepped between Harry and the Boggart; the boggart reformed itself into a silver orb which Kurt couldn't understand, why would anyone be afraid of the moon? He cast the boggart repelling jinx and the orb deflated like a balloon having the air let out, it even made the same flatulent sound as Professor Lupin directed it into the wardrobe from whence it had come.

"A crystal ball?" Hermione furrowed her brow, Kurt wanted to tell her it was the moon but that made about the same amount of sense so he chose to just let it be, "Guess Divination isn't just bad to us, appears to have been a problem for decades."

"And there we were blaming Professor Trelawney when she too is just a victim of circumstance," Kurt shook his head, Hermione raised a brow, "Well she can't have been teaching here long enough to have taught Professor Lupin, he looks twice her age."

"That's enough for today," Professor Lupin clapped his hands, "You've done smashingly, class dismissed."

"I guess we don't get to go," Hermione shrugged, "that seems fair."

"What would your boggart have turned into?" Ron asked them.

"It's too embarrassing to say," Hermione blushed.

"I'm afraid of too many things to be sure what scares me most," Kurt shrugged, "it would have probably been me in miss matched socks."

"Luna wears mismatched socks and you don't seem scared of her," Ron pointed out.

"Luna wears a lot of things that scare me but I'm okay with them on other people," Kurt argued, "like I would never wear red and yellow together but it's a bold fashion choice."

"Sometimes you are so full of shit," Hermione laughed, Harry didn't make a sound, "Harry, this isn't your normal silence."

"Is Draco making fun of you again?" Kurt laid a comforting hand on the boy's back, "you should tell a teacher if he is, or whisper it to me."

"Professor Lupin thinks I'm weak," Harry mumbled but Kurt caught what he was saying, "why else would he stop me from facing the boggart?"

"Maybe he thought it would be too much," Hermione suggested but realised that she was only confirming his beliefs, "for everyone else, I mean."

"You are really emo, who knows what freaky shit is going on in your head?" Kurt pointed out the obvious, this earned him disapproving looks from Hermione and Ron.

"What Kurt means is that you're pretty intense and there was the possibility it could have been You-know-who or something that would cause panic," Hermione tried again.

"You're too bad ass to be afraid of something like spiders or a gecko," Ron tried.

"I don't even know what Voldemort looks like," Harry shrugged, "I've only seen him on the back of Quirrel's head."

"There was the time in the Chamber of Secrets," Kurt got another round of disapproving looks, he hung his hands in defeat.

"So, are we all in agreement that this isn't about you but rather people's reactions?" Hermione looked around as if expecting a vote, "Very well, Kurt and I need to go discuss outfit options for Saturday."

"Ooh," Harry gave a fake smile, "dating Ravenclaw boys, moving up in the world."

"You could try actual enthusiasm," Hermione nudged Harry playfully, trying to ensure that whatever uncertainty had plagued him moments ago was gone. There was no telling with Harry, the bespectacled lad kept his cards close to his chest.

~0~

"Bonjour," the robust man greeted them with greater vigour than Kurt was comfortable in obviously learned French of a second language speaker; he always expected a certain level of apathy from everyone other than Hermione and himself when it came to school, was it selfish of him to want them to be the only people to get excited by life, "Today we will be delving deep into the art of speaking French."

"The language of love," Padma squealed with slight excitement.

"Ah, yes," the man didn't seem the least bit surprised by the statement, "But, like any other language, French can be crude as well; it's not all brooding, rude French boys with cigarettes in their mouths but don't we wish." Kurt had to supress an overly zealous giggle as he leaned against Finn; the classroom set up was gone and had been replaced by couches in a horseshoe formation. The pair of brothers watched as the man waddled under his enormous weight to a piano, "the French also scratch their balls, swear like sailors and offer a comfortable home to the most famous whore house in the world."

"Whilst all of that may be true Hector," Finn's chest rumbled next in Kurt's ear as he spoke in a casual vernacular of French that boasted years of experience, "the Moulin Rouge wasn't a brothel, it was a burlesque bar."

"And the difference being," he gave a slightly sinister smirk.

Kurt watched his brother match the smirk, "Ernie, Justin and I would like to make a visual presentation on the differences."

Kurt's head hit the coach rather abruptly when Finn removed himself from beside him, Kurt sat up straight and watched his brother and his friends take positions at the centre of the 'U' formation couch; Finn took off his robe and started swinging it violently over his head with a throaty belt, "Mmm Hmmm Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Ta Ta. Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya, Yeah! Mocca chocolata Ya Ya, Creole Lady Marmalade! Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"

"Did your brother just?" Hermione leaned in to whisper the words in his ear as if it were some kind of secret that the other six people in the room hadn't witnessed.

Kurt nodded with a small laugh, he'd forgotten that Finn sometimes did things like this, "This is what Finn does, he spends his time being generally exceptional."

"Good job boys but how does that differ from prostitution?" Hector smiled broadly as he gave each a firm pat on the shoulder.

Hermione's had her hand raised before anyone else; when she spoke her French was flawless if not a tad too formal, an indicator that she'd studied hard to achieve her linguistic prowess, "Intention, a burlesque worker does their job as an art form that happens to arouse the audience where as a prostitute would use their sexuality as a means to an end."

"While Hermione might be in the correct ball park I would barely call such a display art," Lisa Turpin sneered with her nose held in the air.

"That was the most… artistic thing I've seen all year," Padma responded with an indignant grunt, she spoke her French with the same Indian accent she spoke English in which made it sound more adorable than Kurt could have imagined possible.

"But is the artistic value of an item not determined by what it invokes in the audience within its medium?" Kurt pointed out as they began sparring on the matter, "the point of burlesque is to invoke a sexual reaction from the audience, be it through direct or indirect attraction."

"I'm sorry but what is indirect attraction?" Anthony stuttered out the words in a broken more casual dialect of French.

"When you aren't attracted to an object but the idea behind it," Hermione explained, "scientifically a sweaty male would be more attractive not because you have a thing for odours or sportsmen but rather because it's a mark of virility, it's a similar principal in that such a display of sexuality indicates a certain level of confidence and comfort in one's own skin."

Kurt began a slow clap that nobody joined and beamed at his best friend, "Hermione Granger everyone."

Hermione blushed and nudged him in the ribs, "Stop it."

"An art piece, regardless of medium is intended to invoke a reaction," Padma explained, "The Birth of Venus is a display of female nudity that engages you on the beauty of the human form as well as the complexity of the universe."

"That's kind of like how Macbeth is supposed to teach about the corrupting influence of power and the remunerations that await the wicked," Terry countered, "The fact that there's more there makes it art?"

"Does this mean The Girl in the Pearl Earrings isn't art?" Mandy looked confused, "it's just a portrait of a woman."

"The techniques employed by the writer make it art," Kurt explained, "Truman Capote's In Cold Blood is work of non-fiction but his choice to employ novel techniques to the piece makes it one of the greatest written masterpieces."

"So the message isn't enough?" Lisa raised a curious brow, "You have to have technique as well?"

"I think what Kurt and Hermione are trying to say is simple if you're willing to listen," Anthony spoke in a shaky voice but tried to supress the stutter, "for it to truly be art then you must have intended to create art either by using artistic devices or by expressing and communicating and idea in any medium."

"Now that Mr Hummel and Ms Granger have told us what makes art, it is up to us to decide whether this particular display was art," He gave a tobacco stained smile, "Ladies did this stir something in you? Lads, did the idea of this spur sexual tangent for you?"

"Well, that's a hetero-normative manner of questioning," Finn protested.

The man gave him a questioning glance, "I'm not sure I follow."

"Well sir," Finn carried on, French left behind in favour of debate, "it's the nineties and to ask only the girls if they were aroused by our dance and to ask just the boys if they appreciated it as an idea would exclude anyone who doesn't fit into the stereotypical heterosexual mould."

"That's all well and dandy," the man gave a small chuckle, "but not in this class."

"Why not?" Kurt raised a curious brow, his tone was vacant because it wasn't his intention to argue about a non-issue.

"Well you're all too young to be homosexuals and lesbians," he laughed as if he'd told the funniest joke.

"That's the same thing," Hermione pointed out, "A lesbian is a female homosexual."

"A second note is that age isn't a good gauge for sexuality," Ernie's tone was less than impressed, "because according to Sigmund Freud psychosexual development begins at birth."

Hermione leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Didn't we have that conversation in Care for Magical Creatures?"

"I tried it on Finn first," Kurt gave a small giggle, "he must have shared with his friends, I guess it's trending."

"You are a tough lot but the school board would have my head if I taught you any of that," Hector shook his head dismissively, "Imagine the scandal if we were to read Oscar Wilde."

"Of all the controversial topics you've delved willingly into in the short space of time we've known each other, you choose to draw the line at human sexuality?" Kurt asked the question through hooded lids that spoke volumes of the disapproval he was raining down on the man, "it's the nineties, the turn of the century and the millennium are almost upon us, I think now is as good a time as any to shed any negative preconceived notions and beliefs."

"Mr Hummel," the man gave Kurt another one of his tobacco stained smiles, "if only there were more hours in a lesson but the time has come for you to be on your way, up and at 'em. We will resume this lesson next week."

Hope you're still enjoying this, let me know what you think and if you have any questions you can PM; I will share spoilers on request!