A/n: I've been something much worse than dead, my computer was dead and I hadn't updated my back-up on my cloud.
Okay, so I think Fleur got a raw deal in the original and I'm not feeling it! I have charted what I believe to be their magical abilities and strengths, based on that I will be placing them and basing their strategies.
I recently found out that his Fic is longer than the first Lord of the Rings book... think about it.
Every fibre of Kurt's being protested what he intended to do as he stepped through the senior Hufflepuff boys but when his gaze came to rest on Cedric, luxuriating in the warm autumn sun he knew his decision was for the best. Kurt cleared his throat and all the Hufflepuffs went dead quiet, they turned to stare at him as he'd conditioned them to do, "what are you doing?"
"I'm enjoying some free time," Cedric sat up on the bench he'd previously been spread out on, "chatting with some friends."
Kurt narrowed his gaze and quirked an unimpressed brow, "I can see that much, why do you insist on answering the question I ask as opposed to the question I mean?"
Kurt stood, waiting expectantly with hands on hips as Cedric tried to make sense of what had been asked of him- both explicitly and implicitly, "I feel that answering the question you mean might be a source of undue conflict?" Kurt was not impressed that he was being answered in question form, "Look, I don't know what the first task is going to be so I'm better off casting it aside for the time being because stressing about something I can't do anything about would be fruitless."
Kurt took a deep breath but stopped short as his line of vision fell on Anthony Rickett' lapel, "What are you wearing?"
Kurt took a step closer to the hulking seventh year who was smirking haughtily, "robes."
A grimace spread across Kurt's face, "'Potter stinks, Support Cedric Diggory- the real Hogwarts champion'? You have got to be fucking kidding me."
"What's-" Anthony moved to speak but Kurt raised a silencing finger.
"Don't speak, it'll only make me angrier," Kurt turned to Cedric, "So you're letting your friends rip my friend a new one, classy."
"I've asked them repeatedly to stop wearing them," Cedric threw his hands up in surrender as he defended himself, "I've told them countless times that supporting me didn't amount to the deformation of my opponents but they won't listen."
Kurt nodded his head in slow acknowledgement, his doubts were growing; he wasn't sure how to go forward from here but he was spared the need to make a decision by the arrival of Harry Potter, "Cedric can I have a word?" Harry looked over the group and his gaze came to rest on Kurt, "Kurt? Have you-"
"No," Kurt shook his head, unsure if that meant he wasn't going to or if it meant not yet, "I was just about to but please, be my guest." Kurt gestured to the group of seniors, "Another matter, in dire need of my attention, has come up."
"Okay," Harry nodded slowly and gestured for Cedric to follow, Kurt did the same.
"Now," Kurt turned to the group of senior boys; who were, unsurprisingly, no longer sporting the defaming buttons, "you can tell me from whom you acquired these buttons or I can find out from Finn and have him poison all of you." Kurt gave saccharine smile, "All I have to do is give Finn his allowance and he'll do anything for me, so what's it going to be?"
"We got them from Heidi," One of the fifth years confessed, Kurt enjoyed dealing with amateurs.
"Who said she got them from a Slytherin," Another broke, a wicked grin spread across Kurt's beautiful face.
"You idiots," Anthony snapped, "Finn wouldn't murder us, not even on Kurt's command."
Kurt smiled triumphantly, "I never said anything about murder, and I said he'd poison you but I also didn't say he'd do it knowingly. There was so much wrong with that threat, I didn't think it would work but I guess my brilliance escapes even me sometimes."
"There's is no need to gloat," Malcolm Fleece, a spindly seventh year prefect, counselled.
Kurt shook his head, "my dear, there is always a need to gloat."
Anthony bowed his head, "You are the devil."
"I think what you mean to say is 'good one devil,'" Kurt chuckled.
"Good one devil," Cedric chuckled as swung his around Kurt's neck, he kissed Kurt on the cheek.
"I take it you and Harry had a merry chat," Kurt untangled himself from his boyfriend's limbs, "Give it some thought and come up with an idea, I have to go make the boy who lived cry but I'll review and probably reject your plan later this evening." Kurt kissed Cedric on the cheek and took off in a brisk walk in the same direction as Harry, "Harry, wait up."
"Kurt," Harry seemed taken by surprise, "I thought you would be with Cedric."
"At least you're thinking, it's a step in the right direction," Kurt smiled as he tussled his friend's hair, "I'd like to speak to you, again."
Harry looked around him nervously, "I told him not to come just like you told me to."
"I don't recall that being my instruction," Kurt crossed his arms, "I remember instructing you to convince him not to abandon his post."
"I tried," Harry swore, "He seemed convinced when I spoke to him on the floo this morning."
Kurt was cross at Harry's naïveté, "it didn't raise a brow that while living with a pair of muggles he was able to contact you via the floo network?" Kurt released a disappointed breath, "I thought you'd started thinking, he stole away from the farm in the dead of night. He must have had a connected fireplace in mind when he left the farm if he contacted you this morning."
"Kurt, I tried my best," Harry pleaded, "I told him it would be dangerous."
"Never send a Gryffindor to do a Slytherin's job," Kurt rolled his eyes, "Telling a Gryffindor that something would be dangerous is the worst possible thing you could do- believe me, I've tried multiple times. What you should have told him that everything was fine and that all was hunky dory. Telling him it was dangerous was telling him that this was an opportunity for him to show the world just how brave he is, like an idiot he's going to come straight into the thick of it." Kurt took a deep breath, "The ministry is going to be everywhere because they can't afford to have another incident at a high profile international event like at the quidditch world cup. When you speak to Sirius tell him I'm done."
"You're done," Harry's eyes grew wide, "you can't be done."
"I'm done," Kurt hung up his hands in defeat, "I sacrificed my time turner, I broke the law by exposing muggles to magic and I turned my grandparents into criminals who harboured a fugitive; I have stuck my neck out far enough for somebody who is clearly not interested in exercising a little self-preservation and I am done." Kurt shook his head, "when he gets himself caught, I am now an accomplice to his escape and as such I can be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law; so can my grandparents. I will not go down for somebody else's reckless behaviour, not when I've guarded my actions so well, so-"
"You're just going to slither back into your hole?" Harry sneered.
"An accurate metaphor," Kurt nodded, "That's exactly what I'm going to do."
"You told him he could count on you," Harry scolded.
"When I thought I was dealing with a sane person," Kurt shouted right back, "I expected that I would be able to count on him to not be a self-sacrificing idiot."
"So you're going to betray him because you don't understand his actions," Harry chided Kurt with a patronising chuckle.
"No," Kurt shook his head, "You don't get to climb on your high horse and judge me as if I am an emotionally inept cretin, I will not have it. I understand completely what Sirius means to do but I'm afraid intention does not translate well into action in this situation."
"Kurt," Harry was quiet, he calming down and seemed to be thinking about what had just transpired between them. When Harry spoke his voice was barely above a whisper, "he's my dad's best friend and the closest thing I have to family."
"You've known that he exists for a little over a year and you've known him for all of five months; you wanted to kill him before that," Kurt took a deep breath and a step back, "I'm very disappointed that you think the fact that he and your dad used to be tight means that your very young relationship supersedes what you have with Hermione, Neville, Luna, myself, Finn and even Ron when his head isn't up his own arse."
"It's not like that," Harry reached out to Kurt but he pulled away, "it's not a competition, it's not even the same thing. Look at you, you have Cedric."
"Look around you," Kurt gestured at the deserted corridor, "Where is Cedric? I'm standing here with you about to ask you how you plan on surviving this thing maybe at the expense of Cedric's victory, I wouldn't have to fight Cedric to listen to me and I don't break the law for Cedric but here I am."
"I don't know what you want me to say," Harry snapped.
"You called him the closest thing you have to family," Kurt countered, "Ron, Finn and I both opened our homes to you, every single last one of us loves you dearly and look out for your best interest, and we support you even when you're being foolish- we might not do it blindly but we do it. That's what family means to me, that's what my family is." Kurt let out a defeated sigh, "not blood, not titles, not fancy broomsticks for Christmas and not an indecipherable web of connections. I don't want you to say anything, I don't want you to feel anything, I just want you to know that in my books and in the books of the Weasleys and in the books of Neville, Luna, Hermione and Hagrid- we are family; we're always here for you."
"I didn't think of it that way," Harry mumbled.
Kurt smiled, "At least you're thinking, it's a step in the right direction."
Harry giggled, "That was intense."
"I thought I was going to have to beat that into you," Kurt shrugged, "So, what do you have planned for your dragon?"
"Is this the part where you fight me to listen to you?"
"Well of course," Kurt smiled, "apparently you accept family flaws and all."
"Well, we're opening with flaws," Harry stepped out of Kurt's reach, "I have nothing."
Kurt shook his head, "This is why I'm supporting Fleur Delacour."
"Justifiably so," Harry nodded slowly, "you have any suggestions?"
"That would be cheating," Kurt pointed out, "but I wouldn't advise having spellcasting as part of your master plan."
"Why is that?" Harry smiled, happy for the help.
"Dragon's fall into a group of species that is impervious to most magic," Kurt explained, "it is essential that you have a special kind of wand to be able to use spells on them."
"What kind of wand?"
"Dragon heartstring."
"Like Viktor Krum," Harry groaned.
"That's why Charlie got a new wand when he started working in Romania and Ron subsequently inherited his," Kurt explained, "his new wand is dragon heartstring. Some of the more untraditional wand cores work on dragons as well."
"What about Fleur's wand?" Harry's eyes had grown wide, "it has vela hair in it."
"Vela hair?" Kurt raised a brow in astonishment, "that must have cost her an arm and a leg, vela hair is near impossible to ethically acquire."
"Why is that?"
"When you pluck even a single hair from a vela's head they die," Kurt shook her head, "the hair of a dead vela makes terrible wands so you essentially have to kill to get a good vela hair wand, that's why their almost exclusively found on the black market."
Harry's grew wider than Kurt thought possible and his jaw went slack, "So Fleur killed her grandmother to make a wand?"
"Her grandmother might have been dying anyway," Kurt shrugged, "an assisted suicide of sorts."
"So both Fleur and Viktor have an automatic advantage over me and Cedric?"
"Not necessarily Fleur," Kurt shook his head, "it would depend on her grandmother's temperament, how mellow her grandmother had been will inform how well her wand works."
"I'm so screwed," Harry shook his head.
"Not necessarily," Kurt shrugged, buffing his nails against his robes.
"What do you mean?"
"Phoenix tail feather flirts on the boundary of working," Kurt smiled, "your wand worked on the basilisk, sure it was in the hands of a much more skilled wizard but it worked."
Harry's face lit up, "So I could win this thing."
"Don't worry about winning. Focus on surviving," Kurt shook his head and laid an assuring hand on his friend's shoulder, "it's not like you're used to success."
~0~
"Kurt," Fred smiled as he swung his arm over Hermione's shoulder.
"Hermione," George grinned as he did the same with Kurt.
"Care to place a bet?" they chorused merrily.
"I'll pass," Hermione shook her head, "Now, unhand me. You're scaring away potential suitors."
"I raised her so well," Kurt wiped away fake tears with George's sleeve, "I'd like to place a bet."
The twins high fived, "How much?"
"What's your maximum pay out?" Kurt quirked a brow as he pulled out his purse, "because I'm going to win."
"Depends," George smiled.
"On whether you do a ladder bet," Fred explained.
"Or a single bet."
"Ladder is riskier."
"Kurt, you can't be serious," Hermione protested, "what if you lose?"
"I'll write home and my dad will beat them to a bloody pulp," Kurt rolled his eyes, "I'll take a ladder."
"Somebody's feeling bold," George teased.
"I'm trying new things," Kurt smiled.
"You should try being nice," Fred chuckled.
"It's terrible," George fake shuddered.
"I am nice," Kurt crossed his arms defensively.
Hermione shot him a sideways glance, her disbelief evident, "you told Harry he wasn't used to success."
"It's not like he has a long history of overachieving," Kurt corrected, "I simply reminded him to prioritise."
"So," Fred interjected.
"You were placing a bet," George tapped his watch impatiently.
"We don't have all day."
"Plenty of First years we need to take advantage of."
"Do you guys have a licence for this?" Kurt eyed them suspiciously.
"Don't ask too many questions," George growled.
"But we're with the wizarding mafia," Fred continued.
"It sometimes makes me so sad when I realise that this is my life," Kurt's shoulders slumped, "my ladder has Fleur Delacour in first, followed by Viktor Krum, then Cedric, and finally- by the skin on his teeth and the hair on his nuts- Harry Potter."
"Ten Galleons," George held out his hand to receive the coins while George wrote him a slip.
"Is Kurt spelled 'L-O-S-E-R'?" Fred teased.
Kurt accepted his slip, "You managed it well enough, your spelling is improving."
"We told you we got OWLs in Charms," they chorused proudly.
Hermione hooked her arm with Kurt's and dragged him away before the twins could suck him back into conversation, "you just bet against your boyfriend."
"And Harry," Kurt added, "call it insider trading but I know that they're both going down."
Hermione's eyes grew wide, "Did you just cheat Fred and George?"
"No," Kurt smiled deviously, "they know very well that I know everything."
"And what do you know of Viktor and Fleur?" Hermione demanded.
Kurt smirked "Call it a hunch but I think Fleur Delacour is going to outperform Viktor Krum."
"And what of Harry and Cedric?"
"That was just a guess of who'd die sooner based on their strategies," Kurt shrugged.
Hermione shook her head as she led him off the trail to the arena, "you're something else."
Kurt preened at the praise, "The word you're looking for is exceptional."
"No," Hermione shook her head, "it really isn't."
"Hope none of you are naked," Kurt announced their presence as he threw the flap of the champions tent open.
"Excuse my friend," Hermione glared at him, "he likes to behave like he was raised by animals."
"I was raised with Finn," Kurt countered, "it's basically the same thing."
"The worst part is that you aren't pretending to be like this," Harry teased, "you're just generally this terrible, and we've come to accept it."
"Hey," Kurt scolded, "we're the ones giving the pep talk here. Hermione, take the wheel."
"Right," Hermione nodded, "Cedric, you should listen as well, Kurt doesn't believe in pep so this as close as you will get to any encouragement from him."
"I don't think it would help," Kurt shook his head, Cedric slung an arm over his shoulder, "Cedric's strategy depends on the dragon having Finn's personality."
"And a fine personality that would be," Cedric nodded curtly.
"Make all the girl dragons go," Kurt ended the sentence with a grand bellow of flames, "some of the boy ones too."
"That'll never stop being hot," Cedric smile, brushing his nose against Kurt's.
"That's kind of how fire works," Kurt teased.
"Okay," Hermione cleared her throat, "the joint offices of Hermione Jean Granger and Kurt Elizabeth Hummel would like to share their intuition that the key to surviving this is to stay focused and not to allow yourself to be intimidated by the dragon."
"We only have to battle it after all," Harry quipped.
"What I mean is don't let it get to you, don't panic," Hermione hugged Harry tightly, "and most of all don't forget that you have a strategy, see it through."
Kurt raised an interjectory finger, "turns out I have some pep inside me after all; don't try to show off, you will die."
Hermione shook her head grimly, "that was not pep, there is definitely something inside you but it is not pep."
"Pragmatism," Cedric nodded in time with Hermione.
Kurt shook his head, "either way, I'm right. If you try to show off as opposed to doing what you're supposed to do as efficiently as possible then things will go wrong."
Cedric nodded his agreement, all eyes turned to Harry who tried to look everywhere but at Kurt and Hermione. It was Hermione who put an end to his evasiveness when she grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to look her in the eye, "Don't try anything fancy out there."
"Not even a little fancy," Harry smirked.
"Good," Hermione hugged him tightly, Cedric grabbed Kurt and pushed him into the hug, effectively turning it into a group hug.
"So much touching," Kurt groaned.
"You know I love me a hug," Cedric mused as he pulled Kurt back round into a kiss.
"Young love!" Exclaimed Rita Skeeter with a bright flash, she had a photograph of Harry and Hermione hugging with Cedric and Kurt in the background kissing. Rita Skeeter entered with her photographer in tow and her quick quotes quill floating behind her, taking down notes of all her fabrications, "Where is everyone?"
"What are we?" Cedric quirked a brow, "chopped liver?"
"I've taught him so well," Kurt smiled.
"They are in their little dressing rooms," Harry explained pointing at the partitioned areas, "I don't think you should be here and I doubt you should be opening those."
Rita Skeeter opened the first to reveal Fleur in a state of deep meditation, levitating over her bed in an perfect Buddha sitting position with her wand floating in front of her, "Boring."
Fleur was disrupted by Rita Skeeter's jeer and fell back on the bed and bounced onto the ground with a thud, Kurt stifled a giggle as Cedric went to go help her out. Viktor Krum seemed to have heard the disruption created by Rita Skeeter's presence and came out of his dressing room looking less than impressed, "You have no business here, this tent is for champions." He seemed to glance around and notice that it evidently wasn't just for champions, "and friends of champions. Only."
"Well, alright," Rita Skeeter smirked, "I got what I came here for."
"Thank you for that," Kurt gave the Durmstrang champion a polite smile, "she is a menace."
"If she prints anymore lies about us we're filing a lawsuit for deformation of character," Hermione huffed, angrily crossing her arms, "I've had enough of people asking me if Harry really cries himself to sleep and how long we've been dating when neither is true." She stopped and turned to Harry with a menacing grin, "At least I assume you don't cry yourself to sleep."
"No," Harry shook his head, "Not even after Lisa Turpin dumped me."
There was a round of laughter, Kurt clapped Harry on the shoulder, "if it makes you feel any better, her hair colour comes from a bottle."
"I heard it was her hair," Cedric countered.
"That would be Neville's doing," Hermione chuckled, "he swears she's bald."
"Poor wording on my part might partially be to blame," Kurt admitted, "I might have led Neville to believe that her hair came from a bottle."
"You English are a very strange people," Fleur eyed them suspiciously and Viktor nodded, "your hair coming from bottles."
"Kurt is actually the strange one," Hermione explained, "and he's predominantly of French ancestry."
"Really," Fleur's face lit up, "where about are you from?"
"Alsace-Lorraine," Kurt smiled, "I'm actually more German than French."
"He is correct," Fleur let out a disappointed sigh.
"But I do still speak French exceptionally well," Kurt smiled in an effort to cheer her up.
"I thought you did everything exceptionally well," Cedric teased.
"Champions, gather round-" Professor Dumbledore stopped suddenly where he'd been waving his arms welcomingly, Madame Maxime and Don Karkaroff at his flanks looked less than impressed, whilst Ludo Bagman, Barty Crouch and Percy Weasley looked on, "Oh look, you're already gathered." Professor Dumbledore seemed to fiddle with the chair that cinched his beard halfway down its great length almost dejectedly, "I had a thing where I was going ring my little bells to get your attention but never mind."
Madame Maxime and Don Karkaroff exchanged a confused look, then the Beauxbatons headmistress rolled her eyes, she let out a defeated sigh, "Ring the bells."
"I knew you'd let me," Professor Dumbledore grinned, he gently shook the bells; each bell was no bigger than two pence piece but they chimed the exact sequence of the Oxford University church bells, matching their volume as well.
"Regret it immediately," Madame Maxine huffed with a flick of her dark hair and a scowled on her beautiful face. Don Karkaroff simply chuckled, entertained by Professor Dumbledore's eccentric behaviour and how it peeved Madame Maxime.
"Bartemius," Professor Dumbledore grinned.
"Listen closely champions," Mr Crouch stepped forward and held out a moleskin pouch, "in this bag I have four miniature dragons that are representations of four real dragons. Each of these dragons has been given a golden egg to protect, your task is to retrieve that egg."
"You can do this," Hermione assured Harry.
"Ms Granger," Professor Dumbledore raised a brow as Hermione had drawn all eyes to her by speaking out of turn, "Whatever are you doing here?"
"Yes, Ms Granger," Kurt scolded, "What are you doing here?"
"Well," Hermione stuttered uncharacteristically, "uhm, you see…"
"Don't worry about this one Professor Dumbledore," Kurt assured the headmaster, "I'll escort her out and see that she is appropriately punished."
"Thank you Mr Hummel," Professor Dumbledore nodded and Kurt pushed a flabbergasted Hermione toward the exit, "wait a minute."
"Not a minute to be wasted," Kurt raised a dismissive hand.
Hermione furrowed her brow in confusion, "What just happened?"
"I don't know," Kurt chuckled.
"Why didn't you get asked what you were doing there?"
Kurt shrugged, "I just pretended like I belonged there."
"That's absolute rubbish," Hermione scoffed as they moseyed over to the arena.
"I think it might even be sexism," Kurt teased, "We should file a lawsuit."
Hermione quirked a challenging brow, "we should but will we?"
"I heard Madam Pince just got a fresh delivery of books," Kurt smirked, "I'm sure we'll just get distracted."
"Kurt! Kurt! Kurt! Hermione too I guess," they turned to see Finn waving them over excitedly and patting a pair of seats beside him.
"You only saved two seats," Kurt shook his head, "what if Neville and Luna were with us?"
"We're already seated," Luna's lilted voice cut through the humming around them.
"Luna's reading my palm," Neville smiled, stifling a giggle as Luna ran her fingers over his palm.
"I'm really not," Luna giggled, "unless your palm's written in braille, my fingers would be a hindrance if I were using them like this."
"Besides," Hermione rolled her eyes, "Luna won't be learning palm reading till next year."
Kurt flicked Finn's ear, "And that's why she's never 'Hermione too I guess'!"
"Sorry," Finn brought his hands up to defend himself after the incident, "but I really wanted to talk to you."
"What have you brought me," Kurt quirked a brow.
"Seeing as I'd already given you my allowance this month," Finn grinned broadly, "I thought I'd step my game up."
Kurt clutched his chest and took a deep steadying breath, "tell me you didn't."
"I did," Finn grinned broadly as he produced a picnic basket, "and Professor Flitwick enchanted the basket to keep everything perfectly fresh and ready to eat."
"What have you done to Kurt?" Neville demanded.
Hermione gave a knowing smirk, "he brought him McDonalds."
"And my mom's chocolate genoise cake," Finn wiggled a seductive brow.
Hermione grabbed onto Neville and Kurt's shoulders to steady herself before whispering, "what do you want?"
"I need advice," Finn grinned, "I want Padma Petil and she wants me, how do I make it happen."
"Show us the payment," Hermione attempted to school her features but her desire was evident.
Finn opened the basket slightly and showed them their treasures, "think of this as a deposit, the rewards will be plenty after I've succeeded in wooing the prettiest girl in school."
"We can't help you get Angelina Johnson but we can get you Padma Petil," Kurt joked.
"What you're going to have to do is be perfectly honest with her…
Finn cautiously stepped up to the group of fourth year girls as they were leaving the arena, the first task had concluded, "Hi, ladies. Might I have a word with Padma?"
Her friends giggled and allowed the pair some privacy, Padma smiled at him and his breath caught, "How can I help you Finn?"
Compliment her, don't make it superficial but also don't compliment her personality; most importantly, make sure it's genuine and don't be afraid to be bold.
"You have very emotive eyes," Finn stumbled over his words, he felt like he was messing up, "they're breath-taking and so beautiful."
Padma gave a shy smile, "thank you."
Be direct, don't take too long to get down to what you want to say to her or else you'll put your foot in your mouth.
"I really like you," Finn admitted, he let out a sigh of relief, "I've really liked you for a while now and I know that I might seem like the kind of guy who can just tell a girl how he feels about her but I'm really not."
Give her an opportunity to speak, this is a two way street; there are two people's emotions involved and both must be considered equally.
"I'm very glad to hear that," Padma's voice was gentle, "not that you can't talk to girls, I really wish you could and had spoken to me sooner about how you feel."
Finn's face fell and his shoulders fell, "Are you not available? A girl as amazing as you must have her pick of suitors, I should have brought a gift so I'd stand."
Don't make assumptions, listen to what you're being told. Assuming that you're being rejected is almost as dangerous as assuming that she's interested.
Padma chuckled, "as a matter of fact a gift would have been lovely, but no I'm not taken. If you'd asked me earlier then we would have had more time together." Padma took a deep breath, "I like you too, very much."
Don't make her wait too long between this declaration and the first date, she probably wants to kiss you but wants to wait till after the first date. Make plans for that week, something that isn't too imposing and won't put too much pressure on itself to succeed.
"How would you like to have breakfast with me this Saturday?" Finn grinned.
"This Saturday?" Padma seemed to be surprised, "I don't believe there will be a Hogsmead visit this weekend."
"Not in Hogsmead," her face fell slightly, "just the two of us, in the astronomy tower with a morning view of the rolling hills of Scotland. I'll bring the picnic, all you have to bring is that wit to keep me on my toes."
"That sounds lovely," Padma smiled, "it's a date."
"…And that's how you'll get Padma Petil to go on a date with you," Kurt smiled, "now give me my McDonalds, the first task is about to begin."
"Can't we just skip ahead to the cake?" Hermione groaned.
"Don't be absurd," Kurt scolded as he passed each a burger, "I almost never get to eat McDonalds."
Hermione tilted her head condescendingly, "Because it's horse meat?"
"High salt content," Kurt rolled his eyes, "my dad isn't allowed any." Kurt took a large bite of his burger and savoured it, "if this is horse meat then buda bup buh buh… I'm lovin' it."
"Go home, you're drunk," Neville shook his head in disappointment, "this is average at best."
"That's the 'guilty' part of my guilty pleasure," Kurt admitted, "now quiet, Cedric's on."
"Oh yes," Luna sounded distant, "wouldn't want to miss that."
"Eat your horse meat and be quiet," Finn growled, "my friend's about to prove Kurt wrong about my personality."
"And the sun shall fall and be feasted upon by fowls," Neville chuckled, stuffing a hand full of chips into his mouth, "these chips are good."
"I hear they don't decompose," Hermione sniped.
"They're never around long enough for anybody to be absolutely sure," Kurt countered, "Now quiet, Cedric is about to prove that Kurt is always right."
"Talking about yourself in the third person is so wrong on so many levels," Luna shook her head solemnly.
Cedric stepped into the arena and there was loud cheering from the spectators' stands, Cedric smiled and waved at the crowd. On the other end of the rugged rocky terrain of the arena was a dragon with a long, angular body with silver blue scales; it crawled slowly toward Cedric with a grace Kurt never expected from such a large creature, grabbing protruding rocks with large claws that ended in jagged talons. Cedric stood firm with his wand at the ready, the dragon blew a plume of blue flames in his direction and deflected it with a wave of his wand. The dragon moved to its left, surprised by Cedric's counter attack, it watched him as if trying to gage his intentions; her tail stayed curled around her nest of eggs and her position aggressively defensive. Cedric stared the dragon down, keeping her gaze fixed on his eyes as he conjured flock of medium sized bird that flew off in one direction and the dragon's gaze followed the birds and Cedric moved closer, stealthily. The dragon burned the birds out of existence just as easily as Cedric had conjured them, she turned her attention back to Cedric but could not find him as he'd hidden behind a rock.
From his hiding spot behind the rock, Cedric transfigured a boulder into a large grey dog that too closely resembled the animagus form of Sirius Black for Kurt's comfort. Kurt took pause from the performance to scan the stands, the last time Sirius had been in the vicinity of Hogwarts he had taken it upon himself to take in a quidditch match and Kurt wondered if Sirius hadn't seen himself deserving of attending the first task. Kurt's wondering was halted by loud cheering, Cedric stood with the golden egg in hand but no sooner had the celebration of Cedric's victory begun that the dragon turned and blew a plume of blue flames in his direction. Cedric's robes were engulfed in flames and half his hair was gone.
"Not his hair, not his beautiful hair," Kurt exclaimed loudly, "Tuck and roll, you idiot."
Cedric did as instructed, rolling away from the nest whilst clutching the golden egg. The dragon pursued him, once Cedric had extinguished himself he turned to the dragon. The dragon breathed blue flames in Cedric's direction and he pointed his wand at flames, the flames seemed to change direction mid-stream bringing confusion not just to the spectators but to the dragon as well as she was engulfed by her own flames. The dragon moved toward Cedric once more but he flicked his wand once more and she was thrown back by the same force that had reversed the stream of flames. Cedric used this as an opportunity to roll out of the arena, completing the first task.
Kurt leaned close to whisper in Finn's ear, "what do we say?"
"Good one devil," Finn rolled his eyes.
"The fowls are going to be very disappointed," Luna giggled, "they were looking forward to feasting on the sun."
"Your boyfriend ruined a perfect opportunity to pick up new spells by using all his spells nonverbally," Neville groaned, "now I'll never know grown up magic."
"You could read a book," Hermione teased, "I, on the other hand, have read quite a few books and have yet to come across that final spell. You know the one that saved Cedric's life."
Kurt smiled, "it came from where all good things come from."
"Finland," Neville suggested.
"What?" Kurt peered at Neville curiously, "No, I meant me."
"Wait," Hermione raised a silencing finger, "I want to hear why Neville thinks all good things come from Finland."
"Disclaimer, it might be named after me," Finn grinned as he produced the Tupperware filled with chocolate cake, "but I didn't come from there."
Kurt turned to Finn in disbelief, "the country is sixty-two years older than you and the territory was named that an additional hundred and eight years before that, I'm not sure what it was called when it was part of Sweden."
Finn gaped at him, "Do you enjoy destroying happiness?"
"It passes the time," Kurt giggled.
"I think you're just jealous that you don't have a country named after you," Finn stuck out his tongue.
"Not yet at least," Kurt smirked, "When I'm president of the world I will recreate the earth in my image; Kurtistan, Kurtland, United States of Kurt, Kurtburg, the works."
"On another person this would be really morbid," Luna giggled playfully, "but it really works on you."
"Thank you darling," Kurt leaned over Hermione and kissed Luna on the cheek.
"Ah, great," Hermione groaned, "Fleur Delacour is about to go on and we haven't found out what makes Finland so great or what mysticism you've taught to Cedric Diggory."
"We'll resume the conversation after a message from our sponsors," Finn chuckled.
"Wait," Hermione held her hands up as if hoping to stop time, "I need a cake fork, the last time I attacked this cake with my hands and I'm trying to be a better person."
"But you're already the best," Neville smiled shyly.
Kurt scowled, "What am I? Chopped liver?"
"You're the best's best friend," Hermione patted the top of his head condescendingly.
"Watch the hair," Kurt ducked.
"Fleur has already started," Finn scolded, "that's just a friendly reminder from the best's best friend's brother."
Kurt turned his attention to the arena, Fleur was squared up with the stout dragon, with brown scales with green flecks. Fleur's dragon didn't have the same aggressive demeanour as the one that Cedric had faced, she danced around her nest; she kept a manicured claw on either side of her nest. The dragon was blowing narrow jets of blood red flames at Fleur and she was twirling her wand in such a way that the flames were dissipating before they could make contact. Fleur flicked her wand effortlessly mid-twirl and switched spells at lightning speed, the dragon suddenly fell into a deep slumber. Fleur moved quickly and retrieved her golden egg, as she was skipping back to the arena exit she stopped to curtsy to the audience. The sleeping dragon snored so loudly and during its exhale a large plume of blood red flames blew across the arena and grazed Fleur's skirt.
"Oh no," she exclaimed, "this skirt is Yves Saint Laurent!"
She ran into the tunnel in a panic and completed the first task in less than half the time it had taken Cedric, "That's why I think she's going to be first."
"Because she caught on fire?" Hermione raised a quizzical brow, "barely the act of a champion."
"No," Kurt smirked, "because she ran over the finish line before putting herself out."
"Her determination is something to be commended," Hermione relented.
"All whilst wearing Yves Saint Laurent," Kurt smirked.
"Enough about how amazing Fleur Delacour is," Luna turned to Neville, "I've been waiting patiently to hear about Finland."
"You know Christopher Lee fought for Finland during the Winter War," Kurt smiled.
Hermione quirked a brow, "That guy from that vampire movie?"
"The guy who like invented vampire movies," Finn countered, "he also played that French painter Kurt loves in Moulin Rouge."
"Georges Seurat," Kurt smiled.
Hermione snapped her fingers, "we're not missing out again. Neville, dish before the next champion comes out."
"My Gran and Uncle Algie took me on this epic camping trip there the summer before first year," Neville shrugged, "it was in Oulanka National Park just after they expanded it, so much green."
"You were like ten," Finn groaned, "our parents said we had to be fifteen before we got to go."
Kurt shook his head, "I told you before, I'm not going camping no matter how many drugs there will be."
"What is wrong with your family?" Neville gaped, "I was talking about foliage."
"We're talking about foliage too," Kurt and Finn exchanged a look, "just of a different kind."
"My dad was in his twenties at the height of the whole hippie movement," Kurt explained, "he's calmed down considerably."
"Losing his hair changed him," Finn shook his head solemnly. Finn clapped his hands excitedly, "oh, Viktor Krum is on; he's so yum."
"Amen to that," was chorused by the group.
Viktor Krum stood at one end of the arena, broad and rather cross with the world. A dragon with scarlet scales and a crown of golden horns stood with clouds of smoke rising from her snout. Neither advanced nor did either advance but they just stood on opposite ends of the arena with the dragon scraping her hind feet, her claws making and awful scraping sound on the stone floor of the arena. Viktor raised his wand and the dragon growled cautiously, he swished his wand and the dragon breathed a precautionary plume of orange flames. The dragon flailed its head from side to side as its eyes began to swell shut, Viktor took the momentary confusion as an opportunity to move.
Ronald had once described Victor Krum as being like a bird in the sky, this translated to his movement on the ground; the seeker moved on the ground as if it were not his natural element. He managed to retrieve his golden egg, while making it over the finish line, the carnage he left behind him was less than desirable. The dragon, in a confused state induced by Viktor's conjunctivitis curse, had progressed from flailing to thrashing to wild convulsion; in the process she had crushed her nest, her eggs still inside. The dragon, without seeing what she'd done, seemed to know instantly and let loose a hair splitting and heart breaking wail; the solemn silence that befell the spectators was filled by nothing but the she dragon's sadness as she cried out for her loss.
"This is kind of morbid," Finn broke the silence.
"Your face is kind of morbid," Neville didn't look away from where the dragon was being led away from the sight of the catastrophe.
"Viktor Krum must simply feel awful," Kurt had his hand clutching his chest dramatically whilst he shook his head solemnly.
"You know in the wild dragons are known to stomp hatchlings that they don't think will survive," Luna shrugged, "they can only support two hatchlings per clutch. They'll get her some eggs from some of the other dragons of her species and she won't know the difference."
"Oh," the group chorused, unsure what to make of what they were being told.
There was another short silence, Kurt cleared his throat, "who wants to hear about the legumina charm… is it a charm? Is it a spell? I haven't decided."
"I'm game," Luna smiled.
"I'm not sure what that is but sounds schooly," Finn shook his head, "I'm going to bow out."
"It's the spell that Cedric used to take down his dragon," Hermione rolled her eyes.
"I'm bowing back in," Finn grinned widely.
"It creates a transverse wave isolated to the y-z plane projected by you wand," Kurt smiled, "it works particularly well on fire and most projectile spells, it also has all the qualities of a knockback jinx. Jinx, that fits perfectly, Legumina jinx."
Hermione quirked an impressed brow, "A Kurt Hummel original?" Kurt pursed his lips in reply, "it's about damn time."
"This is what submitting a thesis must feel like," Kurt hugged Hermione excitedly, "finally your own work after all those dissertations on the work of others."
"You're a bigger loser than I thought you were," she chuckled.
"Hey," Neville snapped, "Kurt is my cool friend, you can't say things like that about him."
"I'm hurt," Finn crossed his arms, "how is Kurt your cool friend? Does he ever let you feel his boobs? Did he teach you to French?"
"Kurt smokes, he drinks, he's smart, he's smoking, he has a smoking boyfriend and everyone is jealous of him for some reason or the other," Hermione explained, "how does anyone compete?"
"I let him feel my boobs, I let him feel your boobs," Finn exclaimed, "doesn't that count for anything?"
"You're countering my perfection with boobs?" Kurt scoffed, "boobs don't even make sense, they are baby feeders yet men find them attractive. Where is the logic in that?"
"Sometimes you're just so gay," Hermione shook her head.
"I asked Santana the same thing," Luna interjected, "apparently they just are, I'm almost certain it was the first time something made more sense to Ginny than it did to me."
"Probably because you know more about obscure, and disputable, magic than most people," Hermione dropped her voice to a whisper for the parenthesis, "it's no wonder you can make sense of almost anything."
"It's simple really," Luna smiled, "something doesn't have to have proof or evidence to exist, if it means something to you then it's real for you."
"I hope you didn't misunderstand me," Hermione smiled at the girl beside her, "I didn't mean any malice by what I said, I meant it as a compliment."
"That's how it was received," Luna assured her.
"I get what Luna means," Kurt nodded slowly as he processed his understanding, "it's like how ancient civilisations used to think that you had demons in your head when you had a headache. The ancient Greeks rationalised their encounters with witches and wizards by thinking they'd encountered Gods and Goddesses."
"Is that where the idea of Mount Olympus stems from?" Hermione gaped at him, "shut up."
"Honestly," Kurt smiled, "it was a community of wizards living in Greece."
"Pretty much," Kurt nodded, "wizards have longer lifespans and have for millennia, the ordinary people used to live relatively short lives then and so a wizard's lifespan would stretch over generations of those of men."
"That's pretty cool," Finn grinned, "did you read about that during your nerdcation?"
"As a matter of fact I did," Kurt smirked, "I briefly dabbled in civilizational history. It was more or less a waste of my time."
"Dead people not as interesting as you thought they'd be?" Neville smirked.
"They were brilliantly colourful stories and I really enjoyed them," Kurt rolled his eyes, "I've become disenchanted with history… to a point." Kurt took a deep breath, "my father says it's puberty but the tales of time gone by don't bear the same weight as they once did, I'm now more interested in the contextualization rather than the actual events."
Neville shook his head, "I know you're supposed to be my coolest friend but sometimes you're so very boring. Where is Harry to save us from further explanation on how you've changed your method of studying history?"
"I sometimes ask myself why I put up with you people," Kurt let out a defeated sigh.
"Lack of alternatives," Neville suggested.
"We're family," Finn teased.
"I'm the best," Hermione chuckled.
"We put up with you," Luna gave him a pointed look.
"All valid argument," Kurt nodded with a grin, "In future I'd like to see more of them about me."
"Because that's what the world needs," Hermione teased, "to be more Kurt-centric."
There was a roar from the Gryffindor spectators as Harry entered the arena, Kurt grinned, "the people have spoken."
Harry stood on one end of the stadium with his chest puffed out, on the other end of the arena was a dragon that clearly believed that that best defence was a good offence. The she-dragon was large and had an armour of dull silver scales that was accented by two rows of spikes that lined her spine, growing in number as you approached the tip of her tail.
"Venir," Harry spoke clearly and his voice echoes over the cheering, his Firebolt appeared in his hands.
Harry mounted his broom and took off at great speed, flying close to the ground, the dragon crawled after him- her claws digging into the rock as she moved with great speed. The dragon breathed black flames in Harry's direction but he managed to take evasive action, just barely. She stayed on his tale till he was mere feet from the edge of the arena, Harry turned into a sharp ascent and the dragon crashed into the wall, shaking the entire arena. Harry doubled back toward the dragons nest but it appeared that all he'd managed with his attempt at trickery was to anger the dragon, she blew a great plume of flames as black as death and swiped angrily in Harry's direction. It seemed like it was only a matter of time before Harry was burnt to a crisp or one of her swipes met their mark, Harry was evading both as they came but there was no pattern to her movements. Harry began to climb, getting some altitude put some distance between himself and the dragon but with a great flap of her wings, she too was airborne.
The dragon swiped her claw and succeeded in knocking Harry off his broom, as Harry fell his first reaction was to reach for his broomstick but it was out of his grasp. Harry looked to panicking as he fell past the dragon that was hovering rather smugly, he suddenly waved his wand over his head, "Arresto momentum." His descent slowed and this didn't please the dragon who dived in pursuit of the dark haired boy, Harry seemed to whisper something to himself before pointing his wand at the dragon, "petrificus totalus."
The dragon's body went rigid and her wings and limbs clung to her side as if fastened in place by invisible chains. Harry ran across the arena, picked up the golden egg and retrieved his broomstick. The dragon was slowly regaining her mobility, she blew flames wildly around her as she only had autonomy over her head. Harry weaved through the black flames on his broomstick and managed to get over the finish line which left a less than pleased dragon.
"And you thought he'd die," Hermione elbowed him in the ribs.
"He was about to," Kurt smirked, "till he remember the words of somebody much prettier and wiser than he is."
"Don't forget," Hermione said, ignoring the second part of his statement, "SPEW meeting tomorrow morning, spread the word."
"Where are you having the meeting?" Luna listened intently.
"In professor McGonagall's classroom," Hermione smiled, "the only other venue we could get would have intimidated people out of coming."
"Where's that?" Luna flipped her silver blond hair as she spoke.
"Professor Snape's classroom," Hermione smiled.
"I wouldn't have gone," Neville admitted guiltily
"We're having a 'Yay! You're not dead' party in the Hufflepuff common room later," Finn grinned, "tell your friends."
Kurt shushed their group, "Ludo Bagman is about to announce the results, let's hear if I won my bet with Fred and George."
Ludo Bagman stood at the judges table on the opposite end of the arena, "After deliberation by the five judges we have come to a decision on how the champions ranked; their rank is based on time, style and skill." Ludo Bagman flashed a smarmy smile, "In fourth place we have our youngest champion, Harry Potter, who completed the task in the second longest time, displayed fair style but was lacking in skill."
"He is after all only fourteen," Kurt rolled his eyes, "they probably marked him down because he didn't use non-verbal spells."
"In third place," Ludo smirked, "we have Cedric Diggory, who completed the task in the longest time but managed display great skill and a little style too." Ludo shifted uncomfortably, "in second place is Viktor Krum, while he might have shown great skill, a fair amount of style and finished the task in the shortest time; that incident with the dragon eggs worked against him. That means that in first place we have Fleur Delacour, who showed skill, style and finished in the second shortest time; let's be honest, she ran across the finish line before putting herself out."
The Beauxbatons girls let out a gleeful sigh and the arena was flooded with blue butterflies, "I hate when they do that." Kurt and Hermione exchanged a look, they hadn't meant to chorus that.
"They're doing it unconsciously now," Neville groaned, "Kill me now."
"Haters are going to hate," Hermione pursed her lips.
Kurt mirrored her, "Potatoes are going to potate."
Hope you like it!
I know you've probably all seen this buzzfeed post but it's new to me and I laughed for an hour so I felt like I should share it (Hermione Granger and the patriarchy tinyurl . com /nd2jzh5 ).
Kurt taught Hermione how to throw shade.