A/n: an update. I'm sorry about the infrequency.
"Take your seats," said the broad alternate of Professor Burbage who had taken over teaching the social sciences from Professor Burbage, her voice held an accent that Kurt couldn't place as it drifted somewhere between Russian and South American; Kurt suspected that Comrade Flamingcough had invented the Mid-Pacific accent in her attempt to be the ultimate twentieth century revolutionary.
Kurt took his seat between Mandy and Terry, they had been telling Mandy all about O-Level examinations and the nations transition to GCSEs a few years back- she wasn't taking the news well. She shook her head, "We have to take eleven exams but we learnt all the work as part of one subject, there must be a content disconnect."
"There definitely is," Kurt nodded, "but that's why they're optional for us and we're going to begin an intensive revision programme after Christmas break, that's also why I want to petition the school to hire us a private tutor to work with us on weekends."
Mandy nodded to herself, "I'm going to need these tests if I want to go to university, correct?"
"Definitely," Terry nodded, "And you'll need to have done well."
"Doing well was never negotiable," Mandy scoffed, "but I completely agree, we'll need a tutor or exam trainer for these exams." She gave a broad smile, "the idea of becoming a physician has eclipsed my juvenile dream of becoming a healer, I find the muggle approach to be more challenging and an excellent opportunity to show off how level headed and diversely gifted I am."
"Sure," Kurt and Terry chorused with matching smiles.
"I will write a letter and sign the petition," Mandy nodded to herself before turning to the girl next to her, "Lisa, we're participating in this petition, my new life's dream depends on it."
"Sounds like you're making your problems my problems," Lisa scoffed with a flip of her strawberry blonde hair, "I have another engagement this afternoon."
"I know that," Mandy rolled her eyes, "I'm going to be at Hermione and Kurt's meeting as well."
"That's this evening," Lisa smiled menacingly, "I have afternoon plans."
"Is this the part where we're supposed to get ultra-curious and beg you to tell us?" Terry spoke impassively, "Because I'm not biting." He nibbled on Kurt's ear as he said the last bit, "At least not you."
"Terrence," Kurt gasped, "behave!"
"You two are so cute it's disgusting," Lisa rolled her eyes.
"Do you know what's so cute it's disgusting?" Kurt turned back and pointed his finger, "My brother and Padma." He let out a sigh, "I want to bash their skulls in whenever I see them together."
"They would make such beautiful children together," Lisa sighed.
"My children will be beautiful too," Mandy snapped, "they will feed on the most perfect breasts in existence."
"I want to say something but I can't fault her logic," Kurt shrugged, "Her boobs are amazing."
"Thank you," Mandy smiled ingratiatingly.
"I, on the other hand," Kurt shook his head as he spoke, "am never having kids."
Terry scoffed, "that's what they all say."
"I'm being dead serious," Kurt smiled malevolently, "having siblings whom I am much older than has taught me that I hate children and they hate me, they're my least favourite animals."
"Did you just call children animals?" Lisa asked with a sideways glance.
"I don't hear a lie," Mandy nodded to herself, "sure I'm going to have many beautiful children but I'm also going to save lives for a living so I don't have to spend any time with them."
"Mandy gets it," Kurt nodded his agreement.
She grinned ingratiatingly, "Of course, I get it." She gestured for them to lean in, "Speaking of children, did you hear that Heather Morris is dropping out because she's pregnant?"
"Shut up," Lisa squealed with Glee, "How do you know?"
"I overheard her telling Manuel Thompson the news that he was going to be a father when I was eavesdropping on them in the owlery," Mandy's grin made Kurt wonder why it had taken them this long to make a connection, she was getting pleasure from the misfortune of others and Kurt adored it, "Nobody knows so if I hear word getting around I'll know it was one of you sluts."
"Professor McGonagall says there's one every generation," Kurt shook his head in disbelief.
"One what?" Terry asked with a furrowed brow.
"The girl who gets pregnant and stays pregnant," Lisa shuddered.
"Last year Heidi in Hufflepuff got pregnant and took the potion the day she found out," Mandy shook her head, "The shame is that Heather has to drop out and Manuel's life is just going to go on."
"According to Professor McGonagall, the last girl let her boyfriend talk her into keeping it," Lisa gagged, "he works at the ministry now and she's a waitress at The Leaky Cauldron."
"You just called a baby 'it'," Terry quirked a brow.
"I've seen child birth," Kurt shuddered, "I think 'it' is very accurate."
~0~
"Hermione," Kurt called out to her from across the Transfiguration quad.
"Kurt," She smiled at him quizzically, "There you are."
"Here I am," Kurt pursed his lips.
"We were about to go down and watch the Slytherin quidditch try outs," Pansy pursed her lips to match his, "Heckle the juniors."
"Care to join?" Tracey smiled politely, "Kurt was also about to share the juiciest gossip with us."
"You," Hermione furrowed her brow, "Want me to join you?"
"Our Goal is to make a junior cry," Pansy explained.
"Pansy is also trying to get noticed by Blaise," Tracey added.
"And we have to support Millicent," Pansy added as an afterthought, "She's going out for beater."
Hermione nodded slowly, "And we'll be back in time for-"
"Don't worry about it," Tracey shook her head as she hooked arms with Hermione, "These are Slytherin try-outs, they don't give everyone an equal chance, they'll be over before you know it."
"These are primarily Draco's opportunity to be a cunt to the juniors," Kurt shook his head as they walked down to the quidditch pitch arm in arm, "he already has a team picked out."
"How do you know that?" Hermione countered.
"I know everything," Kurt smiled malevolently.
"That's why you know, not how you know," Tracey spoke, her eyeroll evident in her voice.
"Goyle told me he made the team," Kurt shrugged nonchalantly, "I asked him how he would know that when try-outs are still coming up, he told me Draco put him on the team."
"Was this before or after you guys made out?" Tracey teased.
"I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole," Kurt shuddered.
"I hear he has one of those," Pansy smirked, "if you know what I mean."
"Well," Kurt grinned salaciously, "That changes everything."
"Don't be vulgar," Hermione scolded.
"I just want to see if it's true," Kurt held his hands up defensively.
"That makes three of us," Tracey moaned, "take pictures."
"Three?" Pansy's voice went sharp, "Who says I want to know?"
"Your face," Tracey chuckled as they took their seats on the stands.
"None of us have to reduce ourselves to finding out, Daphne's making her rounds," Pansy shrugged, "she's given head to all the seventh years but one, asking her to divert her attention for a moment wouldn't be hard."
Tracey gasped, "Christopher still giving her a hard no?"
"She's even moved on to the sixth years," Pansy shook her head, "He doesn't understand that she's a girl on a mission."
"What's the mission?" Hermione quirked a brow, "blow every senior Slytherin boy?"
"Yes," Pansy exclaimed, "He's blocking our slutty little girl from living her dreams."
"Because he's set his sights on Hermione," Kurt giggled.
"The quidditch team has set their eyes on us," Tracey smirked, "Wave girls."
"Kurt's here so Goyle's got a boner," Pansy chuckled, "Look at him trying to be inconspicuous about it."
"Let's change the subject before this gets awkward for me," Kurt grinned, "Did you hear about Heather?"
"What about her?" Pansy grinned malevolently.
"She's pregnant!" Kurt squealed gleefully, "Apparently she told Manuel today."
"Who did you hear from?" Hermione gaped.
"Mandy Brocklehurst, she overheard the whole thing," Kurt giggled, "but if anyone asks, you heard from Lisa Turpin."
"I hate that strawberry blonde bitch any way," Tracey shrugged.
"I pity her," Pansy shook her head, "I wouldn't wish Potter on my worst enemy."
"Harry looks like he'd make the worst boyfriend ever," Hermione shuddered.
"I heard you made out with him in the library in second year," Pansy countered.
"That was-" Hermione faltered, her shoulders sagging as she realised she couldn't explain that it was Neville and Finn, "one time on a dare."
"And we have forgiven her," Kurt announced, "Because she got with Viktor Krum."
Tracey and Pansy groaned in unison, and Hermione grinned, "he still writes me."
Kurt shook his head, "his biceps were everything!" Kurt smirked, "Now that I'm single I should snatch him for myself."
"Are you single though?" Hermione quirked an accusatory brow.
"To my knowledge," Kurt nodded, "yes."
"It looks to the rest of the world like you're dating Terry Boot," Tracey crossed her arms.
"And I know you," Hermione added, "and it looks to me like you're dating Terry Boot."
Kurt shook his head, "I am not dating Terry Boot, we're just hanging out."
"Are you letting his penis hang-out inside of you?" Pansy pursed her lips and flipped her hair.
"Good question," Tracey high-fived her.
"I most certainly am not," Kurt snapped, "If I were letting him inside me I would not let him just hang out, he'd have to earn his keep."
Hermione clapped her hands, "that doesn't mean you're not dating anyone else in your desire of suitors."
"A desire of suitors," Pansy gaped, "I've only heard of the legend."
"You told her?" Kurt groaned.
"How could I not?" Tracey countered, "Tell us, are you dating Goyle?"
"Or are you dating Auror in training Noah Puckerman?" Hermione giggled.
"I told you I wasn't dating anyone," Kurt chuckled.
"Is it Charles?" Hermione countered.
"He's not part of my Desire of Suitors," Kurt shook his head.
"That's answer enough for me," Hermione smirked.
~0~
"Welcome Ladies," Kurt smiled as he handed Padma Petil, Lisa Turpin and Mandy Brocklehurst their goodie bags, "Thank you for joining us this evening, please make yourselves comfortable."
"We will begin shortly," Hermione explained with an inviting smile, "but please help yourselves to some refreshments, and please feel free to search through your goodie bags."
"What's in these?" Lisa asked as she turned hers over and tipped the contents onto the ground.
"There's a lot of chocolate, a day planner, a set of pens," Tracey Davis shrugged, "mostly boring nerd stuff but there's also a very cute bracelet at the bottom." She flashed hers at the girls, spilling her champagne in the process, "I got it."
"I want what she's having," Mandy giggled as she watched Tracey wave away the puddle of bubbly, "I think I should have two."
"I second the motion," Padma giggled.
"And so it is," Tracey chuckled as she waved over a glass for each of them and the bottle to pour for them with a whispered incantation.
"Thank you Tracey," Hermione grinned as she gestured for them to take their seats, on the floor in a circle formation, "This meeting is primarily an ice-breaking initiative, because despite being in the same classes our competitive nature and the house system have kept this group fractured."
"Let's not forget that Kurt is also a cunt," Tracey interjected.
"I'll be the first to admit to being a bitch," Mandy lifted her hands in surrender.
"She also started most of the rumours about everyone," Lisa added.
Kurt blushed, "Speaking of starting rumours, I might have started the rumour that Lisa is bald."
"That was you!"
"It was a mistake, I said your hair came from a bottle," Kurt explained, "by which I meant your hair colour but it was misunderstood to be literal."
"I can't believe it," Lisa chuckled, "People think I'm bald because of your sloppy wording."
"We were young," Kurt shrugged, "we know better now."
"Alright," Hermione raised a hand to recapture their attention, "We can discuss how much we all hate Kurt at a later stage, right now we have to listen to how he compiled the study guide and how it's supposed to be used."
"I'll be quick because it is incredibly boring," Kurt shrugged, "but I reviewed a copy of the syllabus outline from the hall of records, compiled it into a timeline of magic that you need to learn before sitting for your OWLs. I then asked a few people I knew who had written their OWLs, added the notes Cedric and company used to prepare for their OWLs. The last thing I did was add the knowledge I'd acquired outside of school and that of a close acquaintance.
"People are expected to do the work on their own and come see us if they get stuck or have difficulty executing the spells," Kurt smiled, "Simple. The only other thing we'll do is some research for group extra credit projects," His grin grew, "now that that's out of the way, charge your glasses ladies."
"We're playing the world's hardest drinking game," Hermione's grin matched Kurt's, "Never have I ever…"
"I'm not familiar," Padma admitted, their audience nodded in agreement.
"You say a statement of something you've never done, those who have done that thing have to drink," Hermione explained, "for example; never have I ever… dated a sixth year."
Kurt narrowed his gaze, "I'd have to drink because Cedric was a sixth year."
"You get it?" Hermione quirked a brow, she received affirmative nods.
"Mandy, you should go first," Kurt pursed his lips, "your last name is first alphabetically, then we can go clockwise."
"Okay," she grinned malevolently, "Never have I ever gotten a 'B'."
Hermione, Kurt and Padma chorused a groan as they took a drink along with Lisa. Padma spoke on their behalf, "Divination."
"Mandy is being salty," Lisa rolled her eyes, "she was making reference to my poor Defence Against the Dark Arts results." Lisa licked her lips as she thought, "never have I ever had a crush on a boy whose IQ is lower than their shoe size."
Mandy's mouth hung open for a moment, she took a large gulp of her champagne. She turned up her nose, "please do not judge me for my childhood foolishness but we all have to admit that Gregory Goyle is kind of cute."
"His IQ isn't as low as you'd think," Kurt interjected in defence of the boy who was obsessed with him, "on a few occasions he's shown himself to be quite perceptive but he does tend to play dumb quite well."
"Oh babes," Tracey smiled salaciously, "his feet are a lot larger than you think."
"And you know what they say about a man with large feet," Padma's smirk mirrored Tracey's perfectly, they all giggled.
"It's my turn," Tracey announced jovially, "Never have I ever had a boy tattoo my name on his body."
"If it has happened twice, do I drink twice?" Kurt teased.
"Twice?" Hermione whined, "I haven't heard of once."
"I'm only willing to share the first boy to do it," Kurt grinned broadly as the alcohol did its work, "And that's because we're discussing Gregory Goyle at present."
"You lie," Mandy's mouth hung open once more.
"He did it the summer between third and fourth year," Kurt giggled like a school girl.
Tracey nodded her confirmation, "no joke, it's under his right pec."
"It's even in my handwriting," Kurt grinned as he refreshed his champagne glass.
"You are something else," Hermione shook her head, "Never have I ever… wow, this is hard." Hermione sipped her drink as she thought, "Never have I ever had a starter boyfriend."
"Bitch," the group at large chorused as they drank.
"I thought Longbottom was her starter boyfriend," Tracey quirked a brow.
Kurt shook his head, "I've since learned that they were pre-teen ride or dies." Kurt suddenly turned to Padma, "Is my brother your starter boyfriend?"
"No," she shook her head as she spoke, "I really like Finn, Theodore Nott was my starter boyfriend."
"Good, because you fuck with Finn, you fuck with me," Kurt threatened her nonchalantly.
Padma chuckled, "I'm not afraid of you."
"Never have I ever," Kurt grinned, he realised that they were all exposing each other and was planning on following the theme, "ended a relationship in a letter."
"I want you to know that I hate you," Hermione groaned.
"I know that," Kurt forced her glasses to her lips "I don't really care, now drink."
"Never have I ever made out with a Triwizard champion," Padma spoke succinctly, Hermione, Kurt and Lisa each took large gulps of their drinks.
Mandy didn't miss a beat, "Never have I ever let a guy get to second base…" everyone rolled their eyes, "today."
"I hope you die," Lisa groaned as she downed the rest of her drink. Kurt quirked a brow, "I might have given someone a handjob."
"By someone she means Harry Potter," Mandy giggled.
"You're an awful friend," Lisa fell backward, looking up at the ceiling, "We're getting back together now that I'm sure he's not gay."
Hermione furrowed her brow, "You thought he was gay?"
"He talks about Kurt a lot," Lisa covered her eyes as her cheeks turned pink, "I thought he was in love with you."
"That's ridiculous," Kurt giggled.
"Everyone talks about Kurt a lot," Mandy explained to her friend, "it's just weird when your boyfriend does it; Neville does it, you do it."
Kurt grinned, "I didn't realise I was that interesting."
"It's mostly people bitching about you and your friends or admirers defending you," Tracey scoffed, "you're really not that interesting."
"I love that I can always rely on you to cut me off at the knees," Kurt flashed a saccharine smile.
"At least I'm consistent," her eyes were dead and her tone flat.
"Never have I ever," Lisa's voice cut through them, "made out with a Hufflepuff."
Padma glared at her, then looked over the group as Hermione, Kurt and Mandy took sips of their drinks, "Kurt I get but you two."
"Finn wasn't always your boyfriend," Mandy shrugged.
"I'm sure there's a nicer way to put that," Hermione smiled politely.
"Nobody cares," Tracey charged her glass, "never have I ever made out with a Weasley."
Hermione, Kurt and Mandy drank. Kurt and Hermione exchanged a look, "You made out with a Weasley?" They chorused, "Me? You did it too! Who was it?"
"Was it Hipster Weasley?" Hermione narrowed her gaze.
"No," Kurt crossed his arms, "did you make out with Hipster Weasley?"
"Of course not," Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Who was it?"
"It was one time," Hermione raised her hands defensively.
"This is too good," Tracey giggled with glee, "I thought we were all getting a break but this is even better."
"I did not make out with Ron Weasley," Hermione snapped, "it was George…" Hermione furrowed her brow, "Or it was possibly Fred, or both."
"Both?" Lisa exclaimed.
"I was drunk," Hermione shrugged, "I was already seeing double."
Kurt cleared his throat, "Who did Mandy make out with?"
"Aren't you going to confess to making out with Ron and make 'Humsley' cannon?" Hermione smirked at him.
"I will confess to nothing of the sort," Kurt pursed his lips, "Share Brocklehurst."
"I'd like exercise my fifth amendment right not to incriminate myself," Mandy said with a self-satisfied smile.
"You don't have fifth amendment rights," Hermione snapped.
"Granted," Kurt nodded, "but she does have the right to remain silent about making out with Ron."
"Is Ron the girl one?" Mandy mumbled loudly.
"Ten points to Slytherin," Tracey exclaimed as she and Kurt high-fived.
"What can I say?" Mandy shrugged, "I'm adventurous."
Kurt pursed his lips and furrowed his brow, "Should we be concerned about how nobody wants to make out with Ron?"
"Lavender Brown would set herself on fire for the opportunity," Padma offered, "my sister will not shut up about it."
"He just needs to put some work into it," Lisa explained, "I didn't just give Harry Potter a handjob, he earned it."
"How does one earn a handjob," Mandy countered quizzically.
Lisa's shoulders slumped, "Okay, I did just give him a handy but he looked so cute with his diary and being surprised to see me, there wasn't anyone else in the library; nature earned it for him."
"Lisa," Tracey leaned over the centre of the circle and cupped Lisa's face, "you don't have to justify giving a handjob to anyone, if you want to give Harry Potter a handjob than do it girl." She took her seat once more and sipped her champagne, "but you are right about Weasley seeming completely lacking in initiative."
"I'll have to have a meeting with him on the matter," Kurt nodded to himself, "Whose turn is it?"
"Hermione," Mandy pointed a slender finger.
"Don't be salty," Kurt slurred, "We're all drunk."
"I will be as salty as I want," Hermione huffed as she refilled her glass, "Never have I ever…" Hermione fell over sideways but immediately shot back up into sitting position, "been intimate with a quidditch player."
"You are so drunk," Padma shook her head, "You dated Viktor Krum."
"I remember," Hermione grinned, "I'm not being salty, it's something we've all done. We can all drink."
"I apologise on behalf of my friend," Kurt shook his head, "I brought her here when I was under the impression that she was smart enough to understand a statement as simple as 'Never have I ever'."
"I'm the smartest person here," Hermione slurred, "I'm the brightest witch of the age…" Hermione swayed as she tried to point a finger at Kurt, "I can't remember where I was going with this but it was good."
"I'm sure it was babes," Kurt smiled condescendingly at her, "I'm really sure."
~0~
Kurt and Hermione stood hand in hand looking up at where Mr Filch was hammering Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four, Professor Umbridge had changed the law to further moderate their thoughts even further. She hit Kurt where it hurt second most, that was two for two; First she had tried to limit his education but Kurt had fought back by founding their underground Defence Against the Dark Arts group and their teaching group, she was now going after all student groups and societies which meant that Kurt was going to lose SPEW.
"Guys, I just came from the Kitchen and do I have news," Neville panted as he and Mandy came to rest beside the pair, "Firstly, the elves are all over the winter clothes, they're actually a success."
"It doesn't matter," Kurt shook his head.
"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" Neville shook his head, "we're achieving exactly what we set out to do with this initiative."
"It's over Neville," tears welled up in his eyes.
"I don't-"
"By law all Hogwarts clubs now have to be approved by the High Inquisitor," Hermione sobbed.
Neville followed her gaze to the signage announcing the newest educational decree, "we'll get approved."
"No Neville," Mandy placed her hand on Neville's shoulder and pulled him into her, "Umbridge has a voting record in the Wizengamot that leaves something to be desired, she has voted repeatedly for the restriction of the movement sentient non-wizard magical creatures." Mandy let out a defeated sigh, "There is no way that she'll approve a club that works against that?"
"Is this how it ends?" Neville's voice was soft and distant.
"Not necessarily," Mandy gave a bright smile, "I think this is an opportunity to pivot into a guerrilla movement, press the Ministry for Magic for real reform outside our capacity as a club."
"She's right," Hermione nodded, wiping her tears away, "it doesn't have to end this way."
Kurt cackled suddenly, Mandy furrowed her brow and placed a hand on his shoulder to steady the crumbling boy, "Are you alright?"
"I always thought that if we needed to make powerful allies by making out with them that I'd have to be the one to do it," Kurt let loose another laugh, "but I'm so proud of you Neville."
"Glad to be considered a powerful ally," Mandy gave a tart smile.
"If you're proud of me now and you like her now," Neville grinned to himself, "wait till we tell you what else we have, Mandy."
"Have you ever read of the come and go room?"
"The room of requirement?" Hermione furrowed her brow, "it's a myth, said to be the crowning jewel of the Hogwarts' architecture."
"Don't let yourself be fooled by the shroud of myth," Kurt shook his head, "the Chamber of Secrets was a myth and that did not stop you from being petrified by the monster inside." Kurt nodded to himself, "Professor Dumbledore once mentioned an exquisite bathroom on the seventh floor that he never encountered ever again."
"On the left corridor," Neville nodded.
"How did you find it?" Hermione squealed as she took off toward the grand staircase.
"Dobby told us about it," Neville smiled as they chased Hermione up the stairs.
"I can't believe it," Hermione giggled to herself, "Do you understand what the existence of the room of requirement means?"
"Not really," Neville shook his head as they all tried to keep up with the overly excited Hermione, "not a clue."
"Based on what the room is said to be able to do, what people understand about enchantments will be blown out of the water," Kurt explained, "the level of enchantment required to create a room that does all that the room of requirement does is unfathomable."
"The room is said to behave as if it were imbued with magic instead of enchanted," Mandy grinned as they came to rest facing a clear brick wall with the tapestry of Barnibus the Barny behind them, "Reacting to the user's needs."
Hermione paced back and forth, a simple door appeared and they filed in. They entered a large room with foam matting, fighting dummies and an area with a punching bag; Hermione grinned, "You get the idea."
"Neville," Kurt grinned, "Go get Harry, Ron and Luna." Kurt twirled on the spot, "I think we're ready to begin."
Hope you like it!