SUSPENDING PLEASURES
CHAPTER 3 - STRANGER DANGER
Mr. Bennet had every intention to abide by his edict to beware of strangers, as he was never too keen on meeting new people, diseased or otherwise. To this end, he responded in a swift negative when a cousin from Kent he had never met before wrote of his resolution to visit the Bennets. However, the correspondence failed to have the desired effect, and the stranger turned up on their doorstep anyway. He had reached Meryton by post, and a farmer brought him to Longbourn in his cart. The cousin and his luggage were deposited near the gate, and the farmer was on his way before anyone had realized what had happened.
The cousin's name was William Collins, and he was received in a courteous albeit stupefied manner by the ladies who had not been informed of the letters the gentlemen had exchanged.
"Of course guests shall always be welcome in Longbourn," Mrs. Bennet said mournfully, "but I wish I had had some advance warning of your arrival."
Mr. Bennet greeted him somewhat less graciously. "Perhaps you did not receive my letter stating that it would be unwise for you to travel so far during such an epidemic, and we had best suspend the pleasure of meeting you."
Mr. Collins acknowledged that he had indeed received the missive, but apparently the lady who had recently given him a living had thought that his journey was absolutely essential. He thanked Mr. Bennet profusely for that tremendous concern for his wellbeing, but he had had an extremely comfortable journey, and in his opinion this was an optimal time to travel as there were fewer other carriages on the roads .
"Just as my patroness, Lady Catherine DeBourgh, predicted, one can get very quick service at the roadside inns when nobody else is about." Mr. Collins paused for dramatic effect before uttering the name of his patroness, as if he was expecting everyone to be very impressed.
"Nobody else is about because people have been advised not to travel unnecessarily," Mr. Bennet said.
"Of course, and it is very wise of them to take that counsel. I do heartily approve everyone who refrains from making unnecessary journeys, but naturally sometimes circumstances require us to make the effort."
"I am sure it was completely unavoidable that you would grace us with your presence," Mr. Bennet mused.
"We are certainly grateful for anyone who makes an effort for us." Mrs. Bennet was trying her best to be polite, for this was the odious man who had the power to kick her into the hedgerows after Mr. Bennet's death, and she supposed that it was worthwhile to establish a good relationship with him. But it was certainly very inconvenient that he chose to intrude their household at this very time. There was a deadly disease going around, the guest room had not been aired, and where would the cook get another course for dinner at such short notice?
Miss Bennet was smiling politely. "We are happy that you have arrived safely."
"I wonder you took the trouble of coming so far," said Miss Elizabeth Bennet.
"Far? Oh no. What is fifty miles of good road? Little more than half a day's journey. Yes, I call it a very easy distance, well worth travelling to see my beautiful young cousins. And of course you too, Mrs. Bennet, Mr. Bennet. In fact, I have come to offer an olive branch."
"Oh, really?" Mr. Bennet said. "I suppose firewood is always useful"
"As you know there was an unfortunate breach between our esteemed forefathers – a most regrettable misunderstanding, I am sure, the details of which we need not concern ourselves with, for there is little clarity to be obtained about the vagaries of those who have passed on, and discussing past strife would bring no pleasure to the present company. All that I know about it is..."
No one ever found out what Mr. Collins knew, for although he was about to go on happily discussing past strife in some detail he had to stop for a breath, and Mr. Bennet interrupted him. "Yes, you are of course absolutely right, and there is no point in bringing that subject up. I am certain everyone had their reasons for whatever they did."
This banal observation struck Mr. Collins as a product of great wisdom, and he gave a lot of thought about the potential reasons that his long deceased father may have had for his falling out with Mr. Bennet's father, trying to paint everyone as perfect angels. He felt it necessary to defend his father and compliment the late Mr. Bennet at the same time, and he was surprisingly creative, coming up with several different theories about how both of them might have been considered justified in their actions. As these gentlemen have been long deceased and resting in their respective graves, their villainy is outside the scope of this tale. We should not speak ill of the dead, so suffice it to say that none of his speculations were accurate.
He was interrupted by Miss Catherine Bennet who had a fit of coughing.
Miss Mary gave her a handkerchief.
"Kitty, please do not cough so," Mrs. Bennet said. "Mr. Collins will think that we are afflicted."
"I am not ill," Miss Catherine said, and sneezed. "I think I am just sensitive to Jane's fragrance. It tickles my nose."
"Oh, I am so sorry," Miss Bennet said. "I did not know. I will not use it again."
"Maybe it would help if you used a little less of it," Miss Catherine said.
"Your fragrance is extremely pleasant, Miss Bennet," Mr. Collins said. "I am happy to observe that your reputation as esteemed beauties was not exaggerated. Rather you are all much lovelier than one could reasonably expect."
"We have a reputation as esteemed beauties?" Miss Lydia asked delightedly.
"Mr. Collins is right. No one could reasonably expect us to be lovely," Miss Elizabeth said.
"It is strange that anyone would speak of us in Kent," Miss Mary said.
It was not, in fact, strange at all because Mr. Collins had made that reputation up as an attempt to flatter without sparing a thought to plausibility. He was forced to fib and imply that he had heard tales of their beauty in Meryton. Mrs. Bennet and Miss Lydia were the only ones willing to believe him, because upon his introduction a couple of minutes earlier he had told them he had been able to get a ride at the inn very quickly, and had not been forced to linger in Meryton. But as long he was inclined to be complimentary, no one felt it necessary to argue the point, and he went on about the praiseworthy attributes of their hairstyles, faces and figures for quite some time.
This made Mrs. Bennet a little happier with him. "My Jane is certainly the prettiest girl in all Hertfordshire, and Lydia is very handsome, and everybody says all the other girls turned out extremely well looking."
"Yes, Madam, you have been blessed with five beautiful daughters, but seeing yourself, how could it be otherwise?"
Mrs. Bennet was ready to be his best friend now.
Miss Elizabeth interrupted the flow of compliments to ask whether there had been lots of other travellers. "It might be quite hard to manage proper social distancing in a crowded mail coach."
"Oh no," Mr. Collins said. "I am not at all concerned about social distancing. It is impossible for a man of the cloth, for our people need their spiritual advisors close and involved, especially in times of crisis. As clergymen, we must bravely go and minister to the sick and the dying, and indeed, I was at someone's deathbed just a few days before my departure. Once you have seen a desperate man coughing his lungs out, you cannot be afraid of mere travellers with luggage."
"I cannot imagine that having seen a coughing man protects you from infection in any substantial manner," Miss Elizabeth said.
"In my line of work one cannot live based on fear."
"What a tragic experience to attend someone's deathbed," Mrs. Bennet said.
"I trust I was able to comfort the family," Mr. Collins said. "I held his hand and prayed, and he said he would endeavour to get better soon so his family would not need to bother me again."
"Oh, I thought he died," Miss Lydia said. "Given that he was on his deathbed."
"I am not sure if he is dead yet," Mr. Collins answered, "but in time, none of us can escape death."
"I just hope we can all escape our funerals until we are actually dead," Mr. Bennet said.
Mr. Collins reassured him that he would never agree to bury a person who was still alive.
"Very wise, as they might make a lot of noise in the coffin," Miss Elizabeth said.
"My esteemed patroness, Lady Catherine DeBourgh expects me to be aware of every parishioner's needs and affairs and report to her."
"How kind of her to stick her nose in everybody's business," Mr. Bennet said. "She must be a very interested lady."
"She is the most involved, the most condescending, the most benevolent protector I could ever hope to have, and I am extremely grateful for the chance to be of service to her. Some people call her proud but I have personally never experienced anything but great kindness and wisdom from her. Twice I have been invited to dine at Rosings, her residence, and once to complete a card party, and what a splendid building of perfect elegance that is. I have preached two sermons before Lady Catherine already, and she made several comments about them, and offered her help with the sermon writing in the future. "
"Two sermons, and you are already travelling away from your parish! Do your patroness and your parishioners not miss you while you are here?" Miss Mary asked.
Mr. Collins explained that Lady Catherine had expressly told him that he could stay away as long as he liked, if he arranged for someone else to hold Sunday services. "Please, do not consider it at all, Mr. Collins, she said, you can travel as often as you wish, and stay as long as you like, she said. Have you ever experienced such generosity, such affability?"
The Bennets affirmed that they had not.
Mr. Collins had lamented that the parishioners would surely have to settle for shorter sermons if there was a temporary cleric, for such people would never speak for more than an hour, and most likely much less. But Lady Catherine had said that she was still digesting some of the things he had said the previous Sunday, and she had assured him that he had shared so much wisdom in his previous two sermons that it would easily tide everyone over the break.
"Certainly, sir," Mr. Bennet said. "Of some delights, a little goes a long way."
Mr. Collins solemnly related how gracious Lady Catherine had been when she visited the parsonage. She had inspected the house and exclaimed at the vision of his closets, thereafter recommending several improvements in the running of his household. He should add more shelves, eat more frugally, plant some vegetables, save on candles, and get a wife. He explained that it had been Lady Catherine who suggested this journey to him originally, and everybody present was suddenly sure that they knew why he would not heed Mr. Bennet's letter telling him not to travel. If faced with the choice of disappointing his relatives and disappointing his patroness, Mr. Collins would probably always disappoint his relatives.
"Mr. Collins, you have to marry, and the sooner the better, she told me. You have to marry a gentlewoman, she said, a gentlewoman who will set you to rights, and make sure that she is very sensible, of a very practical nature, and does not prattle inconsequential nonsense."
"Of course, for who could bear listening to inconsequential nonsense," Mr. Bennet said.
"Lady Catherine told me that I needed a level-headed woman to help me with the parish duties, and she would be happy to welcome her at Rosings if she could just supply rational conversation."
Mr. Bennet remarked, "If you are looking for a rational woman to marry I am not sure you have come to the right place, Mr. Collins."
"Oh, but I am sure that any of my fair cousins..." Mr. Collins trailed away. He explained that he expected to be able to offer perfect domestic felicity, for Hunsford was a very comfortable house, the lack of shelves notwithstanding. He had a nice little garden, and Lady Catherine had told him how it should be tended to. He had thought about getting someone to do it, lest it take time away from writing his sermons, but Lady Catherine had impressed upon him the absolute necessity that he do it himself. "You can only be sure it is done the right way if you do it yourself, she said, and told me she would not mind if I borrowed the Sunday text from some published sermons if pressed for time."
"How magnanimous of her," Mr. Bennet said.
"Gardening is certainly a useful occupation," Miss Elizabeth said.
"It would be a shame if your parishioners were deprived of your own insights," Miss Mary said.
"Why, thank you, Miss Mary, I do enjoy preaching immensely."
"We can tell," Miss Catherine said.
Returning to the topic of his marriage, Mr. Collins expected to be a very happy man. What with his proximity to Rosings, and to the great Lady Catherine DeBourgh, his future spouse would be able to move in very exalted circles. "Lady Catherine is always so kind, and so wise, and she knows everyone in Kent, and she is the daughter of an earl, and her daughter, Miss DeBourgh, is a very sophisticated young lady, very charming, very well behaved."
"Perhaps you should marry Miss DeBourgh," Miss Lydia said.
Mr. Collins exclaimed in dismay. Lady Catherine would never - he should never - Miss DeBourgh could never -
Miss Lydia was confused. "You seem to admire her a great deal."
"I imagine she is very rich, very well dowered," Miss Elizabeth explained, "and has other options."
Mr. Collins was quick to agree. Of course he admired Miss DeBourgh, for who could not, but Miss DeBourgh was extremely wealthy, the heir of Rosings, and Lady Catherine had certain plans for her future. With her fortune and her connections, Miss DeBourgh was sure to make a very advantageous match. But he hurried to explain that he would never hold the lack of a dowry or exalted connections against his future wife.
"It is very good of you not to hold a grudge against this hypothetical woman," Miss Elizabeth said.
Mr. Collins assured everyone that he would never hold grudges, for it was the duty of a clergyman to be forgiving, and charitable, and he took his duties very seriously. He considered it his duty to offer an olive branch to his cousins, who would be in a very unfortunate situation, if a certain unwelcome event occurred. "But we should not speak of such sad affairs."
"Perhaps you should not bring up topics that you do not wish to speak of," said Mr. Bennet. "I can assure you that I have resigned myself to the inevitability of hearing people describe my death in vague terms several times every day, and it no longer bothers me in the least."
"It is because you will not be homeless after you die," Mrs. Bennet said. "The hedgerows!"
All the Bennets knew what she was referring to, but Mr. Collins was a little confused. "I have no hedgerows in my garden, but I have a lovely white picket fence."
"I wish you joy of it," Mrs. Bennet said.
"Of course it is my desire to avoid death for the time being," Mr. Bennet said, "and that is partly why I thought the government recommendation of staying at home has a lot of merit, Mr. Collins. Travellers are always more susceptible to various ailments."
"I understand your apprehension, but when we were ordained our bishop prayed that we would always wear the holy mantle of spiritual protection, and said whatever we ask in prayer, without a doubt in our hearts, will be done. I have prayed that I would be fine travelling, and so I know I will come to no harm."
"One must congratulate you on the strength of your faith," Mr. Bennet said.
"Lady Catherine told me there can be no danger for a strong, healthy young man."
"Is she a doctor?" This was Miss Mary, who was astonished to see the strength of his faith in his patroness.
"Of course not, she is a gentlewoman and the daughter of an earl. She says there are many earthly things one can do to protect oneself," Mr. Collins continued. "Lady Catherine has graciously recommended some home remedies to me, and I have taken her advice gratefully. She has an especially wonderful concoction of honey, garlic, peppermint and other herbs that can be taken internally or be spread on the skin, and she says it is very effective in preventing respiratory infections."
"Honey and garlic? What an interesting combination," said Miss Catherine who then had another coughing fit. It seemed that Mr. Collins had applied the concoction quite liberally.
"Lady Catherine told me it works wonders, and she, as well as her daughter, have faithfully used that remedy for many years."
"I am sure they are never ill," Mrs. Bennet said.
"I can easily believe it works," Mr. Bennet nodded. "The scent will certainly remind others to keep a proper distance, so if anyone is sick they will not transfer the disease to you."
"At first I thought the odour was quite strong but one gets used to it," Mr. Collins said.
"I did not notice anything," Miss Bennet said kindly.