SUSPENDING PLEASURES
CHAPTER 7 - DOWNHILL FROM HERE
Apparently Miss Bennet was too tired to walk back home, and Mr. Bingley was quick to offer his company and the use of his horse. This was accepted with alacrity, and even if anyone was inclined to argue nobody reacted fast enough before the pair was on their way and out of hearing distance. Miss Elizabeth assured Mr. Hurst and Mr. Darcy that she was well able to make her way home on her own and required no escort, but Mr. Darcy would not agree.
"Between you and me, Miss Elizabeth," Mr. Hurst said, "I would wager that Darcy is feeling some pressure to demonstrate that he can act like a gentleman if the mood strikes him. Escorting you home seems like a great elementary exercise to start from. As you require no actual assistance it requires no actual skill, and even a clod like Darcy may be able to manage it easily."
"And Longbourn is downhill from here so gravity will help lessen the required effort," Miss Elizabeth said.
"Exactly. So do us all a favour and let the poor boy practice, he was raised by wolves and he needs it."
"Very well. I will try to treat him like a gentleman and see if he can handle the pressure."
"You know I can hear you," Mr. Darcy said.
"Ah, now you object to making negative remarks in the subject's hearing," Mr. Hurst said. "Excellent, we have progress."
"I deserved that," Mr. Darcy said apologetically. "Do your worst."
They walked silently along the path for some time and Miss Elizabeth was reminded of the awkward time that she had spent in Mr. Darcy's company at the Netherfield library, speaking nothing. She decided that the worst thing that she could do to Mr. Darcy would be to force him to talk.
"Mr. Darcy, we must have some conversation so it is your turn to pick a topic and say something now."
"Very well, whatever you wish me to say will be said."
"Oh, no, Darcy, that will never do," said Mr. Hurst. "The lady asked you to pick a topic. Promising to say whatever she wants is a surrender, not a topic."
"Having to talk to me is quite the torture for Mr. Darcy," Miss Elizabeth said. "He once sat with me for half an hour without saying a word. I have never been so studiously and diligently ignored before, so I was quite impressed."
"In a logical world, you two would deal with each other prodigiously well," said Mr. Hurst. "You are both the kind of strange and unnatural people who prefer reading to cards."
"For vastly different reasons, I imagine," said Miss Elizabeth. "I am too poor to lose my pin money at the card table, and Mr. Darcy likes books because they do not expect a courteous response."
"You truly think that I am an incorrigible ogre, incapable of basic civility," said Mr. Darcy ruefully.
"Not at all, Mr. Darcy," said Miss Elizabeth kindly. "No doubt that you are perfectly able to converse politely whenever you deem the company to be worth the trouble."
Mr. Darcy seemed much struck by this thought.
"But let me give you a bit of advice, in case you should ever be forced to mingle with a ragtag band of unwashed peasants again," she continued. "If you stalk the edges of the room, scowl at potted plants and refuse to talk to anybody, you might worry about being taken for a rude, conceited buffoon. But I am telling you that this is by far the best strategy for you to choose in such a situation."
"I feel like I probably should not ask why," said Mr. Darcy. "But why?"
"Because if you open your mouth there can no longer be any doubt."
Mr. Hurst laughed so hard he almost choked.
"Touché," said Mr. Darcy.
Mr. Hurst's horse got concerned and nudged him gently until he was able to regain his composure.
"My goodness, Darcy, look at this worthy lady! She is smart as well as funny, and brave enough to take you down a peg. I have complete faith in you that you are able to say some more stupid things to further ruin this promising friendship."
"Our acquaintance started at such a high point," said Miss Elizabeth, "that there is nowhere for it to go but downhill."
"Hopefully we have all learned something from this," said Mr. Hurst. "I am going to try to avoid calling people tolerable, because it is either an insult, or a falsehood."
"Which one was it in my case?" Miss Elizabeth inquired curiously.
"Had I known what a perfect treasure you are, I could not have suspended the pleasure of conversing with you, and I would have begged for an immediate introduction," said Mr. Darcy.
She stopped suddenly. "Who are you and what have you done with poor Mr. Darcy? I am familiar with his stringent standards for female perfection and he knows quite well that I fail in every respect."
"Oh, if you are referring to that conversation about accomplished ladies, you must know that it was mostly Caroline trying to recommend herself," Mr. Hurst said. "Pardon me for being indelicate but she has been setting her cap for Darcy forever and cannot see that he does not care two figs about her. It is high time for you to do something about it, Darcy."
"Erm, well, she is Bingley's sister," Mr. Darcy said. "One does not want to offend."
"Except when one does," said Miss Elizabeth pointedly.
Mr. Darcy sighed. "To my great regret, I have learned that I am an irredeemable dolt."
"There is no need to paint the situation so bleakly, Mr. Darcy," Miss Elizabeth said. "I am quite convinced that if you meet a woman worth pleasing you are in no danger of offending her, at least not before you have been introduced."
"I would not be so sure," said Mr. Darcy.
There was another long silence. Awkward truths are usually safe in small doses but when used excessively, they may cause some discomfort.
"It seems to me that this conversation must be in want of a topic," Mr. Hurst said. "May I suggest exotic animals? Everyone loves exotic animals."
"I could talk about elephants and giraffes all day but do not ask me about pandas. I do not know anything about them," said Miss Elizabeth.
"I hear that hyenas are a menace," said Mr. Hurst.
"Of course, and reportedly lions are quite ferocious," said Miss Elizabeth.
"Yes but they have better hair than I do," said Mr. Hurst.
It was rather obvious that Mr. Darcy struggled to add anything to this discussion. Perhaps he had something else on his mind, or maybe he was not an animal lover. Fortunately his input was not essential as it took some time for his companions to run out of wildlife commentary. Miss Elizabeth wanted to see flamingos because they were pretty. Mr. Hurst would rather see an ostrich, because he had heard that they would hide by sticking their heads in the sand.
"Oh but you would not be able to see it then."
"The tigers are rather unsociable I hear. They like to hunt alone," Mr. Hurst said.
"Some people I know are quite like turtles," Miss Elizabeth said.
"I know exactly what you mean," Mr. Hurst said. "They hide behind their shell and never make a noise, and if you upset their balance they have a hard time getting back on their feet again."
This time the silence lasted long enough that the quiet Mr. Darcy felt compelled to break it, or possibly he just wanted to change the topic before someone criticized his own social ineptitude again. "Do you..."
He made several false starts and began to say things that he never finished. Finally he managed to complete a sentence. "And your family – is your family in good health?"
Halting though this conversation opener was, it was normal enough that Miss Elizabeth thought it should be rewarded with a civil answer.
"Yes, they are in excellent health."
"I am happy to hear it." There was a pause. "How are they dealing with the epidemic?"
"Everyone in their own way," said Miss Elizabeth. "My father would read books about the disease, if he could get his hands on any. He jests about the impending doom, and my mother is worried that he might get sick, as she has been anxious about his health ever since his heart trouble."
"Maybe she is right to worry, as I remember reading that the doctors think people with previous illnesses are more at risk," said Mr. Darcy. "I did not know that your father is ill."
"He is fine enough now but we were quite scared a few years ago."
"And your sisters? How are your sisters handling this?"
"Jane is her usual serene self but I think she has other things to divert her thoughts from the doom and gloom. Mary seems to be under some strain, she can talk about nothing else but death and disease, and I am a little concerned for her. Kitty and Lydia are mostly worried that the Netherfield ball might get cancelled."
"I think it probably will be."
"Mr. Collins will be so disappointed. He has solicited dances with all of us, and assures us that it is the greatest joy of his life to be dancing with his fair cousins."
"What does he think of the disease? He took quite a risk travelling at such a time."
"He says that he is protected by prayer and by the home remedies of his patroness that reportedly work wonders to prevent infection."
"My aunt?"
"Yes, she has advised him to use a mixture of honey and herbs, both internally and externally."
"The famous garlic liniment?" Mr. Darcy grimaced. "She made me use it as a child, and it was perfectly vile."
"Did it work?"
"Lady Catherine might be the last person in the world that I would take disease prevention advice from. She and my cousin Anne have used plenty of remedies for as long as I can remember, and they seem to catch colds whenever someone sneezes in the next county."
"Please do not tell that to Mr. Collins, as he would be dreadfully upset. He is putting a lot of faith in Lady Catherine's concoctions. He is quite impressed by your aunt."
"I will try to be discreet."
"Is she as formidable as Mr. Collins makes her out to be?"
"She is quite a character, to be sure, with lots of opinions."
"I have seen her and her daughter once at Darcy's townhouse," said Mr. Hurst. "I think Darcy learned to be such a quiet, sulky fellow because his aunt would never let anyone else get a word in edgewise."
"Goodness," said Miss Elizabeth, amused. "I wonder how Mr. Collins gets along with her, as he is quite wordy."
"Excessively verbose?" asked Mr. Darcy.
"Shall we say long-winded," said Miss Elizabeth. "Besides his faith in the foul smelling cold remedy, he has shared a great many opinions using a great many words. But most of the opinions seem to belong to your aunt so he must have listened to her at some point."
"Well, if you believe in one silly thing it gets easier to believe in other silly things," said Mr. Hurst. "This is the gentleman who thought Darcy is going to marry his cousin, after all."
"Oh, was it never an option?" asked Miss Elizabeth.
"No," said Mr. Darcy.
"I have never seen two people in the same room who have less to say for themselves," said Mr. Hurst. "They could never wed because everyone who had gathered to witness their union would die of old age waiting that they both got around to saying the words I do."
"My cousin and I would not suit," said Mr. Darcy.
"If you have nothing to say to each other, she sounds like a perfect match for you. I foresee the two of you spending many happy evenings in the Pemberley library, not talking in a very committed fashion."
"I think the silence might get deafening," Mr. Hurst said.
"It is a fine line that one must tread with you, Miss Elizabeth," Mr. Darcy said. "It will not do to say too little for then one is deemed too quiet and unsociable, and if one says too much one is thought a long winded bore."
Miss Elizabeth considered this thought for a moment. "That makes great sense, Mr. Darcy, but I dare say sometimes the problem is not the number of words per se but the content. At the assembly, you could have said no words at all, and I might have described you as aloof and taciturn but it would not have mortified me."
"And what if I said plenty of words?"
"You could have spoken thousands of words that would not have humiliated my vanity. You might have used different words in a different order that would not refer to my unworthiness. You might have stopped to consider my feelings for a moment, and said the exact same thing less loudly so I would not be able to hear you."
"Hello darkness, my old friend." Mr. Darcy groaned. "It has come to my attention that I am a terrible person."
"Let this be a comfort to you," said Mr. Hurst. "If millions of mindless monkeys babbled random syllables for millions of years, eventually one of them would come up with the exact sequence of insulting sounds that you used, so you are not alone in your predicament."
Mr. Darcy seemed to be in some pain. "I wish to make my stupidity up to you somehow, but I do not know how."
"Well, I suppose we should try to get along, regardless," said Miss Elizabeth. "If Mr. Bingley and Jane come to an understanding it would be uncomfortable to be always fighting with you."
"Is she serious about him?" Mr. Darcy asked. "Forgive me, but I heard your mother express some rather mercenary thoughts about him at the assembly."
"Mercenary? You mean that she would be delighted if her daughter married a wealthy, nice, handsome gentleman, I assume."
"Well, yes."
"How many mothers do you know that you could not say the same thing about? Your own aunt announced your engagement to your cousin..."
"That is different."
"Because she is rich and titled and we are not." Miss Elizabeth seemed annoyed again.
"So much for trying to get along," Mr. Hurst said.
"Please, I do not mean to offend you. I am just worried that Bingley might be stuck in a loveless marriage if your mother pressured her to accept an eligible offer."
"My mother has five daughters, all unmarried," said Miss Elizabeth coolly. "There is absolutely no evidence that my mother is able to trap unsuspecting gentlemen into offering for us against their will, their reason or their character. But should Mr. Bingley prove foolish enough for that, he is probably better off with a kind person like Jane than some other harridan that he could be marrying."
"Bear in mind that we are all here on this remote hill at this unholy hour because Miss Bennet and Charles arranged a clandestine meeting," said Mr. Hurst. "I think it is safe to say they might harbour some mutual inclination towards each other."
"Right," Miss Elizabeth said. "Jane usually tells me everything but she has not confided in me about Mr. Bingley. I think it may be a sign that her heart is attached, but who knows. We are all a bit distracted about this scary fever."
"How are you dealing with it?" Mr. Darcy asked.
"I hardly know. There seems to be so little that anyone knows for certain, and I wish I had more information."
"Yes, I have often thought the same."
"That is the problem with book readers," Mr. Hurst said. "We already know all there is to know about this disease, which is to say, next to nothing. But book readers will always feel unsettled unless they have read in a book that the scientists know next to nothing."
"You should write that book," Mr. Darcy said.
"The Science According to Gilbert Hurst, Esq.," said Mr. Hurst. "It would be a pretty short book, short enough for me to read."
When the path to Netherfield diverged from the Longbourn path, Mr. Hurst mounted his horse and said he would ride home. He wanted his breakfast.
"Or my second breakfast, as my wife might say," he said. " I thought exercise would help me get slimmer but all this riding is doing is making me hungry as a hippopotamus."
"Are they known for being particularly hungry?" Mr. Darcy asked.
"One cannot get into that shape without being hungry all the time. Take it from one who knows."
"Point taken."
"If you ever get the chance, Miss Elizabeth, would you mind telling my wife that my weight makes me look like a distinguished gentleman? At this rate I will never get any of it off, so it had better be fashionable."
"My cousin, Mr. Collins, says it is a sin to be a picky eater," offered Miss Elizabeth. "One ought to appreciate all God's glorious gifts."
"Goodness, I had no idea that I was so pious," Mr. Hurst said. "I have appreciated more than my fair share I am sure."
Mr. Darcy would not accompany Mr. Hurst but insisted that Miss Elizabeth needed his escort all the way home to Longbourn. Returning to the wildlife theme, he implied there might be hordes of rabid dogs, boars, wolves, or some other sort of dangerous animal that was not currently known to reside in the area, that only he could protect her from.
"All right, I will leave you at it," Mr. Hurst said cheerfully. "If you get attacked by a ferocious argument on the way, remember that you both like a plain dish better than a ragout, so you do have at least some common ground."
"I never understood that saying," Miss Elizabeth said.
"I imagine common ground is supposed to bring you closer to the opponent somehow," said Mr. Darcy.
"I know that but is it not easier to fight if you are standing close enough? I am no fencer but I have seen pictures, and if you and your opponent are on separate islands neither of you is ever going to be able to reach and make a hit."
"Famous," said Mr. Hurst. "The lady is able to give you some fencing tips, Darcy. It is a great topic, just go on talking about that. Sabers and foils are always a subject that makes a lady energetic. En garde!"
Mr. Hurst rode away.
Mr. Hurst would have been sorely disappointed to know that his companions had no time to get into another argument before they reached Longbourn. Mr. Darcy told Miss Elizabeth a little about his fencing practice. She mentioned a book that had a dramatic fencing scene. Mr. Darcy thought that the scene was completely unrealistic as far as the fencing moves were concerned, but he said that the encounter moved the plot forward nicely. They spoke of books the rest of the way, trying to determine the ideal page count for different genres of books and wondering how long it would take to write a medium length novel or a collection of poems. Both of them agreed that writing masterful verse would probably require plenty of patience, careful weighing of words and a lot of editing. While bad poetry could never be as enjoyable, writing it had to be a much more efficient use of time.
When they reached the vicinity of Longbourn they caught up with Miss Bennet and Mr. Bingley who had stopped to wait for Miss Elizabeth.
"I did not want to go in without you," said Miss Bennet. Either she was suddenly mindful of propriety and adequate chaperonage, or she had wanted to spend more private time with Mr. Bingley. It was hard to tell.
"Well, here I am," said Miss Elizabeth. "Shall we?"
"Is it too early to visit with your family?" asked Mr. Bingley.
It was still quite early but they came across Mrs. Bennet in the garden. Somebody was playing pianoforte inside the house, as they could hear the dulcet echoes of a funeral hymn.
"Good morning, Mrs. Bennet," said Mr. Bingley.
"Good morning," said Mr. Darcy.
"We were out on estate business and had the great fortune to meet with the eldest Miss Bennets on the way," Mr. Bingley continued.
"Oh, Lizzy is always wandering in the hills," Mrs. Bennet said. "She is quite the walker in this family, but Jane, I thought you were still abed."
"No, I could not sleep late this morning."
"Oh, it is no matter, you can have a nap later if you wish. Goodness knows we will not be entertaining today. This fever is such a dreadful thing. Girls, did you know that Mrs. Long is very ill?"
Miss Bennet and Miss Elizabeth exclaimed in some distress.
"Yes, it is true, Hill heard it from the Lucases' groom in Meryton."
"I hope she recovers completely," said Mr. Darcy.
"If everyone starts getting sick, Mr. Bennet might get it, and we shall not like the hedgerows."
"Hedgerows are quite pretty but I find that solid fencing often works better," said Mr. Bingley. "Is Mr. Bennet available? I have something I would seek his opinion about."
"No, he is seeing to some roof repairs for a tenant. If this is about the fence at the south pasture he is aware of the problem and has already arranged for somebody to fix it on Thursday."
"That is good to know," said Mr. Bingley. "Mr. Bennet seems very attentive."
"Fencing is a subject that should always make an estate owner energetic," said Mr. Darcy.
"Oh yes, it is important to keep them in a good condition," said Mrs. Bennet distractedly. "Whatever will Mrs. Long's nieces do if she dies?"
"I hope none of them get sick," said Miss Bennet.
"It was such a pretty morning, such a splendid sunrise," said Mrs. Bennet, "and I am sure it is a sign that something horrible is about to happen. My nerves are such a wreck, and it is all just going to go downhill from here."
Absolutely nothing happened here but I apologize for the song lyrics. Please tell me what you thought!