SUSPENDING PLEASURES
CHAPTER 12 – ABOUT BALLS AND LACK THEREOF
In which we have yet another breakfast scene – they do say it's the most important meal of the day after all
Mr. Darcy had gone riding early in the morning and had not yet returned so it was just the Bingleys and the Hursts at the breakfast table. The Bennets were expected at Netherfield later that day and Miss Bingley felt rather inconvenienced. If some of her complaints were contradictory she was not one to mind. She had a number of grievances to voice and she was determined to voice them, despite some expressions of ennui from the other people in her party. Curious observers might be forgiven for assuming that the siblings had already had similar arguments several times that week - although had any random persons been caught eavesdropping, forgiveness for breaking and entering might have proven more difficult to gain.
"Whyever did we cancel the ball if the house is to be infiltrated with so many Bennets anyway?"
"They are my future family, Caroline, not an infestation." Mr. Bingley's voice was a curious mix of giddiness and long-suffering.
"Certainly, Charles, but do we need to be entertaining them at such a time? Even if they are family they can still infect us with the disease. One of those younger girls coughs constantly. I do not want my gravestone to say I died because of Kitty Bennet. "
"I am sure we can easily leave that out," said Mrs. Hurst. "We would save on the costs of engraving."
"Has it ever occurred to you that you might have it backwards? It might be us giving them the fever," said Mr. Hurst, serving himself scrambled eggs. "It started out with the fashionable set after all – I heard that many of the Regent's cronies got it, and the Almacks crowd. Very à la mode these days."
"It is chic to be sick?" Mrs. Hurst said, her scepticism evident in her inflection.
"Well, I am sure there are lots of more provincial diseases that the Bennets could be spreading," Miss Bingley said. "But I am quite healthy so even if the fever is the epitome of fashion no one is getting it from me; they will have to apply to the Regent for the favour."
"They said you could have it even if you do not know you are sick," Mrs. Hurst said, eyeing her plate suspiciously.
"That sounds very strange to me. You could be sick! Even if you are not!" Miss Bingley scoffed. "I could be sick right now and not have any idea!"
"Perhaps you should quarantine yourself in your room just in case," Mr. Hurst said. "You would feel terrible if we all got it from you."
"But how would you even know you got it? It can make no great difference to you if you are sick without feeling it."
"I feel a little sick," said Mrs. Hurst.
"Anyone could convince you that you are dying if you can die without knowing you are dead. Are we even sure that this is not a hoax?"
"I do not believe that I am dead," said Mrs. Hurst. "But I am not feeling quite the thing this morning."
"Are you feverish?" Mr. Hurst touched her forehead. "No, I do not think so."
"Nonsense, there is nothing wrong with Louisa," said Miss Bingley. "People have merely convinced themselves that they are all about to die at any given hour and it is giving them the nervous chills. There is such a lot of fear-mongering and panic that we are all going out of our minds."
"You could die of the fever," said Mrs. Hurst. "I think some degree of fear is appropriate."
"You could die of smallpox, and we did not cancel everything because of smallpox." said Miss Bingley. "We did not cancel anything because of smallpox. It is all in your attitude."
"If the disease is just an imaginary, overblown danger then it should not matter that the Bennets are spreading it," said Mr. Bingley practically. "I can invite them every day and you can have no complaints."
"Every day! If the plague does not kill you I just might."
"Come on, Caroline, they are not so bad."
"Indeed, the Bennets are not so bad in the same way that spinach is not so very green."
"Caroline," said Mr. Bingley, trying out a new stern tone that sounded a little strange on him. "If you ever planned to stop insulting my bride and my in-laws I am thinking that right now would be a good time."
"Whoa, standing up for your girl? A great job, Charles!" Mr. Hurst heartily approved. "You are getting the hang of it and so early in the morning too."
"What on earth are you talking about?" Miss Bingley asked.
"Oh, just this business about leaving and cleaving. Complicated married people shenanigans," Mr. Hurst explained helpfully. "You might not know about it because you might never leave."
"As usual, your oaf of a husband makes no sense," Miss Bingley told her sister.
"I know what he means," Mrs. Hurst said, cutting her breadroll in half.
"Loyalty, family, very messy things, and a great annoyance. But when you cleave unto, etcetera, you switch some of your allegiance to your chosen life partner and whoever their people are. A troublesome business but it helps to keep the peace."
"I would prefer to keep the peace once I am married, Caroline," Mr. Bingley said. "You could be invaluably helpful in that endeavour, if you could accept the fact that Mrs. Bingley will be the mistress of Netherfield in days to come."
"After all, Caroline, this is why you have been welcomed into the ample bosom of the Hurst clan," Mr Hurst said. "I married Louisa and whether we like it or not, we are all a big happy family now."
"Oh, you are a capital fellow, Hurst," Mr. Bingley said. "Louisa is very lucky to have you."
"Our pleasure, I am sure," Miss Bingley said.
"Gilbert, do you think that we could get our own house for the next epidemic?" Mrs. Hurst asked.
As Mr. Hurst could envision himself being quite happily quarantined in the company of people who were not Miss Bingley he responded in the affirmative. If anyone noticed Mrs. Hurst's implied assumption that the epidemic would be a repeated event no one commented on that.
"Is it even a real epidemic?" Miss Bingley wondered. "People die all the time. How do we know they died of something new? It would be just my luck if we cancelled the ball for a hoax."
"I wish it was a hoax," Mrs. Hurst said. "If we contract a hoax we might survive it."
"It would be just like Charles to fall for a hoax. Or a fortune hunter," Miss Bingley said.
"Yes, I am a very gullible fellow," said Mr. Bingley. "Say, if someone tried to tell me that my fiancee is a fortune hunter I might even fall for that."
"Charles, it is not too late to call off the wedding," Miss Bingley pleaded.
"I said I might fall for it, not that I did," Mr. Bingley said. "You cannot change my mind and I do not know why you persist in trying. All that you can accomplish is to make everyone cross."
"I wonder if we bought enough brandy to survive the lockdowns," said Mr. Hurst.
"Oh, Charles could not call off the wedding, there would be a terrible scandal," Mrs. Hurst said. "Everybody heard about the engagement at the church."
"There would be a scandal locally, no doubt, but I dare say it would harm her more than Charles," Miss Bingley said. "The impact in London would be minimal and must have died down entirely by the time we can go back to the civilized society."
"But I have no wish to harm Jane, I love her." Mr. Bingley's coffee had gone cold.
"You love stuffed olives even though they are completely vile!"
"Bleugh, just the thought of stuffed olives makes me queasy," said Mrs. Hurst. She had shredded her bread into tiny bits on her plate but it was not clear if she had eaten any.
"My marriage has nothing to do with olives," Mr. Bingley said. People never reported seeing him angry but his current expression was a very close approximation of it. "And Jane is not the least bit vile."
"You have seen her a handful of times and cannot know her character," Miss Bingley said. "But she knows your income very well, I dare say."
"I know that she climbed up a hill at daybreak in order to see me although she is not yet completely recovered from her illness and it was far too far for her to walk. I know how her face lit up when I asked her to marry me. I know what I want, and I can't see why you are so offended that I am getting my wish."
"She is penniless and has no connections! This union will damage our position in society, and you could have done so much better!" Miss Bingley had forgotten about her breakfast altogether. One simply cannot bear to eat when one faces so much injustice.
"She is a gentleman's daughter," said Mr. Bingley. "You might argue that I am marrying above my station."
"She seems like a nice enough girl," said Mrs. Hurst. "It may be pleasant to have another married lady in the house, to talk about...married woman things."
"Talk about the pig troughs for all I care, but she is a nobody! No one is going to know her at any ball in London."
"True; and nobody can ever be introduced in a ball room," said Mr. Hurst.
"It is better to marry someone who can introduce you than someone who has to be introduced."
"An old proverb of the jungle," said Mr. Hurst.
"Oh, will you be quiet! Charles, you could help our social position prodigiously by making an advantageous marriage," said Miss Bingley.
"I am making an advantageous marriage," said Mr. Bingley. "I am marrying a good person that I love and I am going to be very happy with her."
"Love! You have danced with her and seen that she is pretty but that is just infatuation. Do you really want to throw your future away for a pretty face?"
"I am not." Mr. Bingley put his knife and fork away with a loud clang.
"I am sure you will have goodlooking children," said Mrs. Hurst.
"But no sons," said Miss Bingley. "Those Bennets are not in the habit of having sons."
"I own nothing that is entailed to male heirs," Mr. Bingley said. "Daughters would do just as well."
"Or dogs," said Mr. Hurst. "Netherfield is a fine place to raise dogs."
"Why did you not propose to Miss Cartwright? She liked you and she could have introduced us to everyone who is anyone," said Miss Bingley.
"Like great-aunt Daphne? She knew all the great ladies," said Mrs. Hurst.
"She sewed their gowns!" Miss Bingley looked around, startled by her own outburst, but she was relieved not to see a certain tall, handsome gentleman. Mr. Darcy had not yet returned from his ride. "We should try to minimize our connections to trade, so please do not mention her to Mr. Darcy."
"Look, who do you think introduced me to Darcy and his sister?" Mr. Bingley asked.
"Oh, good heavens," said Miss Bingley, aghast. "Still, better not remind him. But you really should have married someone who could help us get more invitations in London."
"Heaven knows when we could even return to London let alone attend our next ball so I am not going to choose my life partner based on the frequency of invitations," Mr. Bingley said. "Why would I even want balls once I am married?"
"Well, you never know," said Mr. Hurst. "Something might come up."
"There are certain benefits to having balls," said Mrs. Hurst.
"You may observe that you like it," said Mr. Hurst.
"I am not sure I care to go back to London anyway." Mr. Bingley said. "Netherfield seems like a fine estate, I might buy it and stay for good, raise my family here."
"Good heavens, you want to stay here?" Miss Bingley was appalled. "We would be overrun by Bennets!"
"Well, if you mind them so much you are welcome to find somewhere else to live."
"Where would I go? What would I do? Where would I live?"
"Anywhere you like. Pick oranges, make a career in a circus. In the navy?"
"Yes, you can sail the seven seas," said Mr. Hurst. "Perfect for distancing yourself from the undesirable elements."
"Do you ever take anything seriously?" Miss Bingley asked.
"Never, if I can suspend that pleasure." Mr. Hurst ate more eggs.
"Charles, do you really want your mother-in-law to live so close? Mrs. Bennet will be here every day."
"I find that unlikely as long as this fever is going on. She has seemed rather fearful of contagion and invested in keeping visitors away from Longbourn."
"Poor Bingley had a devil of a time getting Mr. Bennet's consent," chuckled Mr. Hurst.
"Surely that is a bad sign for this unequal match," said Miss Bingley. "Even her family is against it."
"I am sure they were just preoccupied," Mr. Bingley said. "This fever is making everyone rather tense."
"Except you! You are making the greatest mistake of your life and you are quite unbelievably nonchalant about it."
"That is an extremely odd way to say that I am about to become the happiest man alive. Please stop haranguing me, Caroline, I am getting married and there is nothing you can do about it."
"Fine, get married if you must, but the rest of us would prefer if we did not have to deal with so many Bennets," Miss Bingley said. "Why must we endanger our health for people we do not even like?"
"Actually I have found some of them quite diverting," Mr. Hurst said. "Mrs. Bennet sets a great table, and I have high hopes of getting invited again some day, once it is easier to socialize again."
"She does have her skills as a hostess," Mrs. Hurst said.
"Mrs. Bennet and her skills! Charles, do you realize that the ball was my best chance to show my skills as a society hostess? Anyone can host a dinner but where else could I arrange such a grand event? And you just had to go and cancel for fear of getting a cold!"
"So, to summarize, " Mr. Hurst said, "we should not have so many Bennets to dinner because they might be sick and we might die. But we should have had a ball and invited the Bennets, sick or not, because we would not die."
"At least not more often than ordinary," said Mrs. Hurst. "Usually just once."
"Why was this ball so important to you anyway?" Mr. Bingley asked. "Why do you care that it was cancelled? You do not even like anyone we invited."
"Well, I may not care about the creme of the Hertfordshire society but Mr. Darcy was going to be there and see how great it was..."
"Darcy? You wanted to impress Darcy by hosting a ball? Darcy of all people? The same Darcy who thinks dancing is a cruel and unusual punishment? That Darcy who despised crowds before they became a health hazard?" Mr. Hurst was incredulous. "Caroline, have you ever even met the man? I shall have to introduce you to Darcy some time."
"Mr. Darcy has attended several balls in our company."
"Yes, and hated every minute of them."
"I am sure that is not true," said Mr. Bingley. "He does not hate balls, he just dislikes dancing with strangers."
"And acquaintances," said Mr. Hurst. "If Caroline wanted to endear herself to Darcy she had much better never attend a ball again. The way to his heart goes through the complete absence of balls."
"Mr. Darcy has a position in the society to uphold and he needs a competent wife who can plan stylish entertainment," Miss Bingley said primly.
"He knows your qualities by now, I am sure," Mrs. Hurst said.
"But Darcy is no man about town, he is really just a gentleman farmer at heart," Mr. Bingley said.
"Once Darcy is married and gets Miss Darcy creditably settled, he and his lucky lady are rather likely to hole themselves up at Pemberley, never to set foot in London again," Mr. Hurst mused. "Our boy never saw a stylish entertainment that he was not happier to avoid."
This pronouncement upset Miss Bingley tremendously and she found herself speechless for a moment. Pemberley was a fine estate but certainly Mr. Darcy would not wish to stay there forever, would he? Surely a man that rich could not be completely insane.
"Has this ham gone bad?" asked Mrs. Hurst. "It tastes a little peculiar."
"It seems fine to me," said Mr. Bingley.
"Everything always seems fine to you, even this ramshackle engagement of yours!" Miss Bingley cried out. "Have you ever spared a single thought about how it affects me?"
"Wonderful, Caroline, thank you so much for asking. You will be gaining a sweet sister-in-law, that is how." Mr. Bingley appeared more than a little annoyed and cut his ham in an uncharacteristically aggressive manner.
"You are ruining my prospects. If you married someone of more consequence..."
"Any prospect of yours that gets ruined because I married a wonderful woman that I love is not worth desiring I think. You are better off without those dunderheads."
"I don't believe that you care."
"I don't care what you believe."
"What is the allurement of that woman anyway? All that you know about her is that she smiles prettily and looks fashionably pale when she is ill. I do not think that it is a solid foundation for marital happiness."
"This must be true because Caroline knows all about marital happiness," said Mr. Hurst.
"Hurst, I liked you much better when you were snoring on the sofa," said Miss Bingley.
"I apologize for any unseemly bursts of wakefulness," said Mr. Hurst. "But one can't miss breakfast, you know? It is the most important meal of the day. Very sorry for inconveniencing you."
"I know that you are not impressed with the Bennets and their standing at the society, Caroline," said Mr. Bingley, "but let me make one thing clear. I am not going to be estranged from my wife's family to please you."
"These days we call it social distancing, and it is officially sanctioned by the government," said Miss Bingley.
"The Bennets are coming today and that is final."
"By all means," said Miss Bingley. "Let us practice social distancing only when it is convenient for you!"
"If you want to practice social distancing and stay in your room all day I have no objection," Mr. Bingley said.
"This is such a hasty, lamentable way to wed," said Miss Bingley. "I am sure that people will think that she is in the family way..."
"Well, I would not worry about that. Once we have been married for long enough and no babe is in evidence they will realize that they were wrong."
"There is still time for you to call it off. It is not likely that your attachment will last any more than your infatuation with the Howard girl. You could still court Miss Cartwright... And I thought you liked Miss Darcy, she is such an accomplished girl and with a great dowry besides..."
Mr. Darcy had entered the breakfast room without fanfare and caught the tail end of this conversation. It was really quite unfair that such a tall, hulking fellow could move so quietly.
"Miss Bingley, my sister is not yet out," he said, "and as her guardians, my cousin and I have the power to withhold her dowry if she marries a fickle, dishonorable man. I would certainly not allow her to marry a jilt."
"Oh dear, Caroline," said Mr. Hurst. "There goes yet another avenue, well and truly closed."
"Your sister is a sweet girl, Darcy, but I am committed to Jane. My sister is just talking idle nonsense to vex me."
"Mr. Darcy, you are just as conscientious that I have always known you to be, so I am sure that you do not approve of this hasty, imprudent marriage Charles is making," Miss Bingley said.
"Really, Miss Bingley, I would prefer to stay out of it. My consent was not asked nor required. Bingley is his own man and has decided to seek his own happiness in a manner of his own choosing."
"Mr. Darcy, you would never propose in such a ramshackle, impulsive manner."
"So far I have not, but I would not wish to preclude any possibilities prematurely," said Mr. Darcy. "Who knows what manner of things I could be capable of, given sufficient inducement."
"We should give the boy some time," advised Mr. Hurst. "It is only nine a.m."