Ch. 235
Starscream exhaled a shaky sob and rubbed tears from his optics as he curled in tightly on the outer hull of the Ark. He couldn't believe the things that had been said to him. He couldn't believe the things he said.
He couldn't believe what he had just done.
"No, no..." he trembled, "I wouldn't have... I didn't... mean..."
But it had happened. Smears of energon were still on his claws. He shook and whimpered at the sight of it, using the condensation that had become an elaborate lace of dew on the hull to wipe it off. He couldn't believe... he didn't want to believe...
"What have I done?" he whispered, "Primus... what did I do?"
His optics looked out into the dark, vast sky. Between spots of clouds were hints of stars, galaxies beyond that, other planets. Other worlds to live on. The seeker slowly pulled himself to his peds, his low hanging wings weakly lifting. He could... go away, couldn't he? That would fix many things...
His first step was hard, painful, feeling as though he'd been dumped into cement and made to walk. The second never came. He heard a soft clearing of the throat down by his peds and the seeker wordlessly sat back down.
"... Hey, Starscream," June murmured, her eyes soft and sad as she tried to smile.
The mech didn't look down. He shuttered his optics and hung his helm quietly.
The woman sat beside him, resting her hands in her lap, "... Did anyone tell you what my job is?"
Starscream shook his helm slowly, his voice not quite strong enough to answer.
June looked up at him with a warmer smile, "I'm a nurse," she commented, her gaze going back to the expansion of ocean laid out before them, "I've seen it all. Drunk driving, assaults, accidents with a drill... It never got easier for me and it became twice as hard as Jack got older."
"Mrs. Darby..." Starscream's heavy, tired voice rolled out from his mouth, "please..."
"I know, I'm getting to it..." June took in a quick breath, "... What you're going through..." the seeker winced and she stood, setting a hand on his leg, "Starscream, I've seen what happens to people when what eats them up inside isn't taken care of. There are some who get through it and get help. Others-"
"I'm not going to-"
"No, I don't think you would," June admitted, "But not talking to someone, not getting help for what you've been through, it's going to destroy you piece by piece until you can't recognize where you start and where the trauma ends... I can't imagine what you're going through. There's no one in the world, maybe even the universe, who can say they understand. But please," she patted his leg, forcing the mech to look at her, "don't do this to yourself anymore. You made your choices and I can't tell you how grateful I am that you did. You saved me. You saved my son," she teared up, "Miko and Raf... Starscream, you are loved here. What Ratchet is going through... He just needs time..."
Starscream reached down carefully, gently stroking the side of a digit against June's cheek to remove tears; she held onto the claw, "Starscream," she said more firmly, "you owe it to yourself to value your mental health more. You are worthy of that help and you deserved none of the pain and suffering you went through, before and now. When... I first saw you and you saved me and my son..." she smiled through her tears, "I saw the start of something wonderful. I don't care the reasons why you saved our lives because what matters is you did it. And it set you on a path that led you to continue saving people; bots, too."
A sad hiccup caught the seeker's attention and he looked back at the Ark's hull door, the upset faces of Miko, Raf and Jack peeking from the side of the doorframe.
Starscream choked back a whine, "Children, I-"
He shut his mouth, terrified of the words that would come out. He had said awful things. Terrible things. The children had been there to see and hear all of it. They didn't deserve that. They never deserved such a thing...
Fresh tears began trickling down Starscream's cheekplate. He turned to look back at the open sea, his wings low against his back.
June patted his servo, "Please... you owe it to yourself. Please, don't ignore this. And don't leave."
Starscream's bright optics glanced down at her before settling back to the ocean.
"Don't leave, Starscream. Let the bots here that love and respect you care for you..."
"I..." the mech shook, "I'm not sure how..."
His wings twitched and perked up suddenly. Pedfalls were coming to the open hull door. Heavy, moving fast. The seeker pulled his servo back as he stood.
"Mrs. Darby, I can't, I can't see them after what I-"
Starscream didn't look back. He began to run. The clouding skies above looked so much more safe and inviting than the inside of the ship. The seeker's wings clicked into place, he rushed to jump, but halted when he felt a servo grasp his.
He froze, feeling the cold spray of a wave tickle his chassis with drops from the sea. The grip on his servo was gentle, pleading. The voice of its owner was more direct.
"Mrs. Darby," Optimus murmured, "please take the children to see Arcee and Knockout. They are waiting at the lifts."
June nodded and stepped away, guiding the children back into the ship to allow the pair some privacy. Starscream was too afraid to speak. He was too afraid to look back.
"... You were going to leave."
The statement felt like the act would have been of the utmost evil, a betrayal far worse than anything Starscream could have previously come up with on his own.
"Starscream-"
"All the things I said," the seeker whimpered, "the things I said and- and what I did, I didn't mean to, I swear, I-"
Optimus nodded slowly. He kept his hold on Starscream's servo and reached up with his other, gently turning him around so he could look at him.
"I know. Do not think for a moment that I do not know how much you regret what happened," the Prime lifted the smaller mech's servo to show him the limb that held his, "But Knockout was easily able to repair the damage I sustained. I am not upset, Starscream. I am only concerned about helping you through this."
The seeker shook his helm, "I can't... After everything, I can't..."
"I will not leave you. They will not abandon you."
"Ratch- Ratchet," Starscream could feel himself getting upset again, "Ratchet has already made up his mind that I'm a monster."
Optimus shook his helm, "You know that you are not. And he knows that you are not. I have known Ratchet for a very long time. The fear he has, it is the first time I have seen such an occurrence. Never before has he acted this way. Not to this severity nor this magnitude. I am certain that he will reveal the cause for his feelings when he is ready."
"It's me, Optimus, it's always been me."
"Starscre-"
"Don't-" the seeker flinched, "He hasn't liked my... my ability since it brought me here. It starts with Ratchet and then..."
Optimus stared sadly, "So you will leave?"
Starscream began to shake, "I can't... I can't stay here," the words began to flood, "I can barely stand to be in the presence of any of them. There's nothing to distract me, nothing I can just bury myself in- and me," he whimpered, pulling his chassis and servo back to rest his claws against his own chest plate, "I can't even stand to look at myself. I can't bare to see my own reflection. It- it isn't even my reflection!" he teared up, "I haven't recognized 'me' in so long! I-I'm doing it all over again! I'm daring to wear the paint- the face of a mech I could never hope to live up to because I'm not strong enough for all this and I can't-"
The seeker dissolved his words before more could be spoken. His arms encircled tightly around himself as he stared at the hull under his peds. Optimus made no move to console him. Instead, the larger mech hung his helm and dropped to his knees.
Starscream flinched, his optics wide, "O-Optimus, what are you doing?!"
"I have failed you once more..."
The seeker's wings fluttered in a panic, a soft whine coming from the smaller mech as he grabbed the Prime's shoulders, "What- no! You did- you've been doing everything you can!"
"I did not save you. I abandoned you."
"Abandoned?!" Starscream shook his helm, "What are you talking about?! You came back for me! More than once!"
"But I did not... before..."
The seeker froze and he stepped back, his wings raised high, "No... no, you didn't-"
"I could not stop myself from watching it all... the video you left..."
"Optimus... none of you were supposed to see that much..."
"And then I understood why you were so afraid of me in your renewed beginning. Why you stayed at a distance or kept a closer optic on my actions," Optimus's form sagged, "I not only abandoned you, as the Decepticon faction did; I also abused you. As he did."
Starscream growled, hot tears in his optics, "No! Don't you dare compare yourself to him! He deserves nothing! You've done everything you could to support me!"
"I hurt you, Starscream. I failed you where you came from. And here, now, I have done so again."
"That wasn't YOU!"
The larger mech didn't respond.
Starscream took the Prime's helm in his servos, "That wasn't you! You are not the Optimus who shoved his blaster into my back while I was bound and freezing! You are not the Optimus who treated me with contempt or disregarded my pain! You are NOT the Optimus who gave up on me when I needed that help the most!"
"You are still in pain, Starscream," Optimus murmured, "and I am failing to help you again."
The seeker shook his helm as he sighed quietly, "No..." he slid down to sit on his knees, "no, I... that was my choice... I... thought- hoped I could ignore it... I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to ignore it..." he looked up at the Prime's faceplates and whimpered, "Optimus... you're crying."
The larger mech blinked sadly, allowing Starscream's thumbs to gently wipe away his tears, "I... am?"
The seeker sighed, letting his helm lean forward to rest it against Optimus's chest plate, "You are in just as much a sorry state as I am..."
The Prime hesitated before placing his arms around the smaller mech, holding him close but not tightly, "Starscream... please," he murmured, "I am begging you... do not leave."
"Optimus... I can't stay here..."
"... You cannot leave on your own..."
Starscream chuckled quietly, sadly, in surprise, "Hm... of course you would offer..."
Optimus rumbled lowly, "I promise, Starscream," he pulled his servo back, his right servo, and offered it to the seeker, "I promise not to fail you if you allow me another chance."
The smaller mech hesitated to set his servo against the offered limb, trying desperately to steady the tremors working through him, "Optimus, you have never failed me. Things..." he sighed, "happened. And I dealt with it all in a way that... I thought would help me. I didn't... I couldn't see how bad I was getting..."
"Hmm... Does this mean...?"
Starscream nodded, "Optimus, I can't stay here. But if you decide to take me somewhere that you think will help me, I will follow you."
Optimus shuttered his optics, a sigh of relief escaping him, "Thank you... Thank you, Starscream..."