Ch. 240

Time spent at the stream after that was quiet. Optimus didn't mind that so much. Starscream had been asked some very hard questions that he needed to consider that ultimately boiled down to this: what was he going to do for himself? The Prime was more than sure that the seeker had asked himself this question before but that the answer was far different than what he was hoping to attain now. As Optimus wandered over to his parked semi trailer in the cold and glowing dark of the night, he decided to cut through the long silence that had been blanketed over them.

"Starscream," he began, "may I ask what your goals were before you found yourself here?"

The smaller mech gave him a tired glance, something that was content but showed how truly exhausted he was, "Before this? Ah, just sort of making it through I suppose. I'm sure I would have managed, too, if Ratchet hadn't completely exploded at me first."

"That is not what I meant," Optimus shook his helm, kneeling down to open the trailer and pull out supplies, "I meant before you found yourself here. In this... dimension?"

Starscream's wings fell flat and his optics widened. His servos clenched tightly into fists and his arms curled around himself. His gaze turned away.

"... Which part? Because my goals changed drastically... more than once..."

The larger mech noted the stature and expression he was being given and paused in his search, "You are ashamed?"

Starscream frowned and he didn't look up. Optimus stood and went to the seeker, offering a servo gently.

"Please accept my apology. I did not mean to upset you."

"I hate who I was."

Optimus nodded, "I know. And I understand. But you are not that mech any longer."

Starscream wordlessly and slowly reached out, gripping the Prime's servo tightly.

The larger mech felt the tremble in the seeker's claws and watched him sadly, "The video you left-"

"Oh, please don't reference that stupid thing," Starscream groaned, "That was one of my bigger mistakes, please don't make me relive that."

"Your video was instrumental in helping us move our plans forward," Optimus smiled sadly, "And I was the only one to watch it all the way through."

"How many times?"

The Prime shook his helm, "Only the once."

Starscream grumbled, "Fine. What was it you were going to say?"

"I was simply going to say that while your video detailed much about your thoughts on this other life you lived, it did not give me a clear view of what you ultimately wanted in the end," Optimus informed the smaller mech, leading him back closer to the trailer, "And now I am hoping that you will tell me, no matter what it was at the time, what your goals were. I am hoping it will give me insight into finding a better outlet for you."

The seeker whined, "It's embarrassing!"

"It was something you strived for before. It is not embarrassing, it is insightful," the larger mech let Starscream's servo go so he could kneel back down and reach into the trailer once more, "Please, Starscream?"

Starscream crossed his arms and pouted, "Well... hm, well..." he tapped a claw against his arm in thought, "For a time, I was simply happy running the day to day operations for the Decepticons. That is... until he returned and took that all away..." he flinched at the memory and shuddered, "... You want to know the first thing he asked me when he got back? Almost exactly the first thing? He asked me if I was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice in testing that stupid lump of dark energon he had brought back. He wanted to see it reanimate a slagging corpse- my corpse-"

Optimus was quick to stand and pull Starscream into a hug. The seeker took heavy intakes as he struggled not to get any more emotional, the tears in his optics welling up but being held back. The large arms around him were comforting and having something close to his faceplate, even if it was bright red armor, helped him focus on proximity and not the pain in his chest plate. He sighed gently.

"... I liked being in charge. I wanted to keep that. And when he took that away and hurt me, I wanted to hurt him more..."

Optimus nodded, still holding him close, "I understand, Starscream. But these goals have changed."

Starscream hummed, "They changed back then first. But once I realized how hard I was struggling on my own, I found a way back to them..."

"Yes. You said this in your video..."

"... I wanted to be a part of something again."

"You said that, too. That you wished to belong."

Starscream didn't respond. He still felt, in the back of his helm and the bottom of his spark, that this goal had yet to be accomplished. But he knew the larger mech currently holding him in the hopes of giving him comfort would, not argue, but disagree with that thought strongly. The seeker figured Optimus was capable of reading his mind when the Prime pulled away and held his shoulders gently, smiling a soft smile as he spoke confidently.

"Starscream, you have already accomplished this goal. You do belong," Optimus told him, "You may not have been in the right place for a long time, but you have achieved so much and learned the lessons you needed to. You being here now is because of your hard work. You may not feel that pride just yet, but know that your team is proud of you and I am proud of you. You will find yourself in a place to see this if you continue to work on treating yourself the way you should be treated: with respect, dignity and care. You deserve these things. You deserve to know how much you inspire others and how you have been guiding them as you have been discovering this new side of yourself," the Prime reached up to set his servo against the side of the seeker's cheekplate, his thumb just under his left optic marked with the gold ring, "If it were not for you, I am very aware of how things would have progressed here. The events changed were not easy to overcome. But Starscream, what you did made us stronger and I do not think any of us can thank you enough for that. Just as you say you would have gone through all of this over again for the sake of us, I can equally say that I would do the same for you in a sparkbeat. You are worth that and so much more. Please, do not forget that."

Starscream let his tears fall quietly as he flicked Optimus's servo away and hugged him tightly, unable to find the words to express the emotions he had at the moment. What the Prime had said... there was a sense of relief that came with it. The pain he had from all of his own self hate and agony was still present but knowing how much he mattered to everyone else? To Optimus Prime himself? That made those negative pains far less strong as he played back what the larger mech had told him. He held onto each sentence and let their meanings wash over him. It was cleansing.

"... Optimus?"

"Yes, Starscream?"

"... I'm going to finish answering your question on goals in a minute... But it's getting cold out and I'm tired."

"You're so insistent on hearing what my goals are, but what are yours?"

"Hm... In what context? Now? Moving forward? Or after the war?"

Starscream sipped from his cube of energon and laid himself back into the grass, "Uh, hm... Well, for now, what are you hoping to achieve?"

Optimus smiled and set his empty cube aside as he sat more comfortably beside the smaller mech, "I am hoping to give you a sense of peace. For now," he added, "But I am sure you are going to tell me that my goals should reflect the life I will lead after the war is over?"

"... We both should have that in mind..." Starscream sighed, holding back a shiver from the cool night air as it ghosted over his form and rustled the long strands of grass on either side of his helm, "Because you watched my video, you know that it ends..."

"Indeed, Starscream," Optimus nodded, "And I am glad that we may live to see it happen here as well."

The seeker grumbled, "I hate that..."

"What?"

"This whole-" Starscream sat up, looking out onto the lake as he slumped his shoulders and allowed his servos to rest on his lap, "This... dimension-type thing. That's what it is? My... outlier ability caused me to jump from one dimension to another when I could no longer live in my original- And what makes this one different from mine? Hm? What separates the two?"

Optimus watched the smaller mech for a moment before setting his gaze out on the water as well, "You not only traversed the dimensional pathways, your spark tapped into a stream of time-"

"No, no, no more," Starscream whined, laying back down with a heavy thud as he pressed his servos into his faceplates, "I... I'm not ready to give myself a processor ache over this just yet..."

"Even though you brought up the topic?"

"... I just wanted to know what made this one different from my last. Because up until I started to change things, everything else was just..."

Optimus nodded, "Yes, I see. Nothing appeared different until you made it so."

"Yes..." Starscream peeked out from between his claws as the larger mech shifted to lean back on a large boulder behind them, "... Do... do you think it was a huge change? Or perhaps something small?"

The Prime reached down to rest a servo on the smaller mech's shoulder but Starscream intercepted the limb with his own and held it tightly, "... This actually scares me, Optimus... It really does..."

"I know. I can see that," Optimus smiled gently, "Would you like to know what I think?"

"Will it scare me more?"

"This I am uncertain of this. But if you trust me-"

"Which you already know I do."

"-then I believe the change you are seeking to find cannot be found any farther than where we are sitting now."

Starscream frowned in confusion. Leave it to the larger mech to artfully weave his words in a fashion that told him everything and yet left him stumbling in his own mind to translate-

"Me? Again, I'm the answer?"

Optimus nodded, "You are the change, Starscream. I believe that you coming here was what made the two dimensions so different. Your choices, your interventions, your struggles and your defiance against what tried to stop you... you stood up against it and I am amazed at how far you have taken yourself."

Starscream pouted and looked away, "Why do you always have to make such powerful speeches like that?"

"You saw it as a speech?"

"It's never just a conversation, it's always 'I had a motivational speech with Optimus Prime'," the seeker almost chuckled before sighing, a weak smile on his faceplates, "So yes, they are speeches..."

"I see. Do they make you feel better?"

Starscream nodded, "They do. Talking with you always makes me feel- don't smile at that!" the seeker let go of his servo to bat at Optimus lightly when he saw the wide smile on his faceplates, "Oh, if you could feel smugness- I know you can't, but there must be an emotion similar-"

"I am simply happy that what I am able to offer with my words helps in any way," Optimus replied, "I wish nothing but the best for you, Starscream. You have worked so hard to change so many things for others. It is time that good things happen for you, too."

Starscream grumbled, "And you, too..."

"Thank you."

The seeker sighed quietly and settled into the grass, his optics looking up into the gently clouded skies as the stars poked through, "... Optimus? I think I know some goals..."

"Oh?"

"You have some, too?"

Optimus nodded and slid down from resting against the boulder to lay in the grass near Starscream, "I have some."

"... I want to... I don't know how, but..." the seeker struggled to take the thoughts from his mind and put them into the eloquent words he was searching for, "I... want to be happy?"

Optimus felt a touch against his arm and looked down to see Starscream's servo tight in a fist next to him; he enclosed the smaller servo in his own, "That is a very positive goal."

"Wait, I'm not done."

The Prime silenced and watched as Starscream shifted, "... I want to be happy... by learning how to handle my anxiety... And I want to find something, a hobby," he shook his helm, "I'm just not sure what yet... And that's my goal right now. Hm..." he shuttered his optics, "For after the war? I... I think I have a goal but it's not quite solidified. I think I'll have it when I get there..."

Optimus nodded, "You are doing well thinking of yourself like this. I am proud of you."

Starscream smiled a little, "... Your goals?"

The Prime hummed deeply, "Well, I am still taking your advice. I intend to indulge more in the activities that make me happy and find time to set aside for myself. While I still believe it is my duty to help others, I will remind myself that I need just as much support as I give my team. And, for after the war..." Optimus paused, "I do have some semblance of an idea of what I would like but, at this time, I am uncertain if it can be achieved. We are not quite at the moment of ending these battles."

"No, not there yet," Starscream agreed, "but if you're optimistic about it..."

"I am. Very much," the larger mech confessed, "and not simply because you saw this war end once before. I believe it will end because our team is capable of it. Despite those forces that stand against us, we have remained strong and undeterred. With this in mind, and with what resources and relics we have at our disposal now, I know we will prevail."

The seeker sighed happily and rolled his optics, a small smirk on his faceplates, "Motivational speeches again?"

Optimus nodded, "You said they make you feel better."