A/N: Chapter 3! Some spoilers in this chapter—Season 4: Yeah, Baby; Season 6: Lifeline, Season 8: Standards of Conduct. Kinda long, kinda meh.

Crash

Chapter 3: Dreams

0822 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

Present Day...

With great trepidation, Harm stepped into the admiral's anteroom. He sincerely hoped he'd still have a job after this meeting; as it seemed he was losing Mac, the Navy was all he had left. He smiled weakly at PO Coates as she waved him on by, trying to ignore her sympathetic gaze as he knocked and pushed open the door to the admiral's private office.

Admiral Chegwidden didn't look up from the file in front of him for nearly three minutes as Harm stood at attention before him. He supposed it was for intimidation purposes, a means to make Harm sweat it out a bit, but, though his back was killing him, he was grateful for the chance to get his thoughts together.

Of course, as soon as the admiral acknowledged him, any coherent thought he'd had about how to get out of this situation fled his mind.

Admiral Chegwidden stood up from behind his desk and came around to stand next to Harm. Harm kept his eyes stoically facing forward, waiting for his CO to lower the boom. He heard the admiral's deep sigh and braced himself for the onslaught of the admiral's ire…

But it never came.

"Shit, Rabb. Sit down."

"Sir?" Harm asked in shock.

"I said, sit down. Do it before I change my mind and charge you with disrespecting a senior officer."

The words were spoken gruffly, but Harm heard the undercurrent of care in the older man's voice. He sank gratefully into the plush leather chair behind him and risked a glance upward at his CO. "Uh, thank…thank you, sir."

The admiral stared down at him for a few beats before he sat down in the chair next to him. It was the one Mac had always sat in before she transferred to the judiciary under and the thought of his estranged wife sent another pang of despair through him.

"Harm—"

Harm broke in, anxious to apologize to the admiral. "Sir, let me begin by apologizing for my behavior. There was no excuse for it, and I promise you it will never happen again. I—"

"Harm."

"Yes, sir?"

"Shut up, son."

"Shutting up, sir."

Admiral Chegwidden's lip curved up in a slight and unexpected smile as he pulled off his reading glasses and tossed them onto his desk. He leaned back into the chair before turning toward Harm, who started to squirm under the older man's frank gaze. A few more seconds passed by, and finally, the admiral spoke.

"Harm," he said carefully. "I've never asked you what happened with Colonel MacKenzie—"

"Rabb, sir."

"What?"

"It's Lt. Colonel Rabb, sir."

Harm had been rather surprised when Mac had asked to take his name; he'd assumed she'd want to keep her last name because it would be easier, and she'd accomplished so much as a MacKenzie. However, when she'd explained that while it spawned her preferred moniker, it didn't have any other hold on her. She'd always intended to take her husband's name if she ever married because she liked the concept of the family unit bearing only one surname. She didn't want any children saddled with a long, hyphenated jumble, nor did she like the idea that one parent's name would be different. Mac had also told him that she wouldn't miss the name she'd shared with her abusive, alcoholic father; this would be a completely new beginning for her. Her eyes had begged him to understand, even as she'd blushed, seemingly embarrassed by her rather non-feminist, non-independent woman stance on the matter. Harm had actually been quite touched and even moved by her desire to be a Rabb, and he couldn't help taking her in his arms and giving her a loving kiss. She'd returned the kiss tentatively for a moment before she'd relaxed into it; she still seemed surprised whenever he offered such spontaneous and gentle expressions of affection for her. He hadn't yet told her he loved her at that point, and he regretted that now more than ever. If he had told her from the beginning, maybe she'd believe him now.

The admiral's voice brought him back to the present, and Harm wondered how long he'd been lost in his memories. Chegwidden didn't seem too perturbed; it must have only been a few seconds. That was another issue Harm had been having—he had an appalling lack of focus sometimes and he expected that one day it would get him into trouble. Harm forced himself to concentrate on the admiral's words: "Ah, yes. Lt. Colonel Rabb…Harm, I've never asked what happened with Col—Mac. It was never any of my business…"

"No…"

"But, I have to admit the whole thing surprised me…" The admiral continued on as if he hadn't heard Harm. "I didn't even know you two had been dating before you announced you were pregnant and getting married."

Harm shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He and Mac had never told anyone about their baby deal, and looking back on it in light of everything that had happened since, it had been a ridiculous proposition. He should have just told her he loved her, asked her to wait for him while he foolishly tried to recapture his youth in an F-14. Hell, he should never have gone back to flying in the first place. He'd often wondered if his leaving then had been one of the reasons she didn't entirely trust his love. Perhaps she wondered when he'd up and leave her again.

He'd been such a fool…

"Harm?"

The admiral broke in on his thoughts again.

"I'm sorry, what, sir?"

"I said, I didn't know you had been dating."

Harm flashed him a rueful half smile. "We weren't, actually."

The admiral's eyebrow rose at that. "Oh?"

Harm nodded absently at his CO. How did one explain the baby deal—or at least explain it in a way that didn't sound utterly ridiculous?

It would be an impossible task; he was sure of it. He turned his face toward the admiral with every intention of asking to be excused, but then he saw the sympathy in the older man's eyes…

Harm realized then that he was tired of keeping all of this inside. Even his mother wasn't aware of what had precipitated her son's marriage to Mac; she was certainly surprised but her excitement about her first grandchild and her affection for Mac overrode any concerns the woman may have had.

He actually hadn't exactly told either of his parents about Mac filing for divorce, either…he'd merely told them they were having "problems." Frank had looked at him knowingly though his stepfather didn't say anything, and his mother had merely hugged him and told him that she was sure they would work things out. He'd almost told Frank everything that night; something in the man's expression told Harm he would understand, but in the end, he couldn't do it. He was too embarrassed, and he felt he would be betraying Mac.

But now, though he was still embarrassed, he decided it was taking too much energy to keep everything to himself. The admiral knew both of them, had watched them both for years…maybe he would have some insight…

Harm met the fatherly gaze of AJ Chegwidden and knew it was time to let someone in. He breathed a deep, shuddering breath, and then let it all go…

"It all started, sir, with a deal…"

Flashback…

"Five years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship, we go halves on a kid."

Mac looked at him, skepticism written all over her face, but there was also something like hope in those beautiful chocolate-amber eyes of hers. It made him want to backpedal and take back the five-year term he'd just offered. How about one year? A month? Tonight? She looked so adorably sweet and as they shook on it, it was all he could do not to pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless. Instead, he offered to go haves on a pizza as a symbol of their new deal, and she agreed. They laughed lightly together and then met at their favorite pizza joint, toasting their deal with their seltzer water and pizza slices.

Harm almost called it a date, but he stopped himself; he loved her, but they were just friends…really, really good friends, but still just friends.

Why, then, did he still want to kiss her so badly?

Present Day...

"So…this…this was just some…agreement?" The admiral looked rather aghast, and Harm nodded miserably.

"But, sir…"

"Then why get married at all?" His CO interrupted. "Surely you know that these days you don't 'have to' get married." He emphasized his words with air quotes, and clearly, the man was disgusted by his subordinate.

Of course, no one person could be as disgusted by Harmon Rabb, Jr as Harmon Rabb, Jr was of himself.

"I know, sir…but it was more complicated than that…"

"Oh?"

Harm gulped. "Yeah…"

Flashback…

The night was cool even for late April as Harm stepped out onto the admiral's porch. His eyes sought out her form and he studied her a moment before he announced his presence.

She was leaning against the porch railing, gazing out over the admiral's yard, and there was something about the set of her shoulders that tugged at him.

Earlier, she'd gone outside to wait for Rene with him after he'd expressed concern about his girlfriend finding the place. Truthfully, his declared desire to watch out for Rene was just an excuse; he couldn't stand the way Mic fawned so possessively over Mac, and he just wanted to get away from her, from them.

Instead, she'd decided to join him, claiming to want to discuss the fraternization case they were working on. For the life of him, he couldn't understand why she'd actually want to discuss that here, at her own engagement party no less, but there'd been a flash of something in her eyes that made him stop questioning her about it. The thought hit him that maybe she wanted to get away from that smug, self-serving bastard too.

He would have thought her wanting to distance herself from the Aussie would have made him glad, but instead, he felt a deep sadness. More than anything, he wanted to see her happy, but there was just something missing in her relationship with Mic Brumby. He'd wanted to ask her about it, ask if Brumby was who she really wanted, but he felt he'd lost that right after how he'd pushed her away in Sydney, for reasons that seemed utterly ridiculous now.

Their earlier conversation had shifted fairly quickly from the case to their relationship, and just before Rene had arrived, she'd asked him why he'd backed away on the ferry. Rene's presence ended their talk, leaving her unanswered question dangling in the air around them, and even now, before he'd even gained her attention, he felt its heavy weight on his shoulders.

He wondered if she did too…

"You okay?" he asked, worried for a moment that he should have announced his presence somehow before speaking. She'd seemed so lost in thought, and he hated the idea that he might have startled her.

"Yeah, I left my purse."

"You're not upset?"

She was obviously surprised by his question, asking him why she'd be upset, smiling as she told him everything was fine. He was picking up that vibe again, however—the vibe that all was not right with her, but he was going to let it go. He had to let it go—it was her engagement party, after all.

Harm turned to go back inside the house, but her voice stopped him.

"As long as you're out here, you never answered my question. Why did you back away?"

Why indeed?

Complications? Because they worked together? It was hard to get the words out, hard to look at her. She just looked so damn beautiful in the soft light of the admiral's porch; the gentle glow of the warm lighting seemed to caress the tawny, silken skin of her shoulders like a lover, and suddenly his fingers itched to stroke a line down the arch of her neck to her chest, until they reached the shadows between her breasts. He felt a familiar tug low in his groin, and the urge to kiss her nearly overwhelmed him.

His heart skipped when she told him she would have been willing to risk their friendship that night in Sydney Harbor, then stopped entirely when she implied that if he'd taken her up on her offer in Sydney maybe they would have been engaged by now.

In that moment, as he stood there staring down at his partner, he knew he wanted that, wanted her. It would be so easy to pull her into his arms and he almost did just that before his senses returned to him.

Well, maybe they hadn't returned entirely to him, because the next thing he knew, he was lost in the memory of a bizarre dream he'd had about Mac and Rene boxing that ended with Brumby punching his lights out. Mac had just told him she didn't think Rene would let him go that easy, and by what Rene had said to him before and by that stupid dream, Harm knew Mac was right. The funny thing was, Brumby hitting him was never part of that original fantasy, and the image rather startled him.

He shook it off, and for a moment he just gazed down at the treasure that was Sarah MacKenzie. His breath caught but then he again pictured Brumby's fist coming at him.

"You know," he said, "I don't think Brumby would give you up without a fight either."

Mac blushed and looked away from him. "No, he wouldn't," she answered almost ruefully. "He's stubborn. You and he are alike that way."

What? He was nothing like that arrogant son of a bitch! "Hey, easy on the insults, there," he told her. He instantly regretted his words; she was obviously hurt but she tried to hide it like the stoic marine she was.

"Hey…this is the man I'm going to be spending my life with."

He searched her eyes, feeling he was on the brink of an epiphany that would forever remain out of his reach. "Hey, it's okay with me if it's okay with you," he said, though he was surer than ever that he would, in fact, never be okay with her marrying Mic Brumby.

"Is it?" she asked, "okay with you?"

The urge, now more intense, to tell her how he felt about her came over him again, and it was all he could do to hold it back. The way the slight breeze of the night caused her scent to waft over him, the way her dress hugged every curve, the way the swell of her breasts made him want to run his tongue in between them, tasting that which had been forbidden, was too much and he had to distance himself.

She followed him, accusing him of not approving of Mic (he didn't), but rather than tell her that, he asked her why she'd gone to him so fast and then brought up something they hadn't discussed since they'd sealed the deal over pizza and carbonated water.

"We had a deal…"

"I think that contract's null and void…"

"Why? It still has three years left to run…"

Present Day...

"I was such an ass that night, admiral. I kept asking her if she loved him and she wouldn't answer me. I should have…I don't know…I didn't want to hurt her…I wanted her to be happy…I knew she wasn't, but I…I was a coward…"

"I gotta say, Harm…I always expected you two to at least figure it out after that bastard Brumby left."

Harm was surprised at the venom in the admiral's tone when the older man mentioned Mac's ex-fiancé. "Sir?"

Admiral Chegwidden threw up his hands. "She could have done better, Harm! Mic Brumby was an arrogant, self-serving…"

"Bastard, sir?"

"Yes!" the admiral exploded. "Why the hell didn't you—"

"I have no idea, sir." Harm still didn't know why they hadn't figured everything out sooner…yes, a lot happened after that night on the admiral's porch…his crash, Rene's father dying, Mac running to the Guadalcanal…but he honestly thought it would only take a little while until they were a couple. He wouldn't tell the admiral how he'd told her to come to him the night Brumby left only to turn her away, nor would he tell AJ about the fiery kiss they'd shared on his porch. He also wouldn't speak of his ill-fated trip to the Guadalcanal, when he'd tried to talk to her about their relationship and she'd run off before he could tell her he'd give up Rene in a heartbeat if it meant they could be together. He'd fucked that up too; she'd been hurting, and he shouldn't have hit her with talk of them. He should have just been her friend and let talk of them wait for another time, another day.

While Harm ruminated over his failures, the admiral had gotten up and retrieved a bottle of scotch from a drawer in his desk along with a couple of glasses. Harm looked up at the sound of the amber liquid hitting the crystal. His eyes widened; he had no idea Admiral Chegwidden kept a stock of such things in his office. He wasn't going to turn it down, however; there were only a couple of sips in each glass anyway and he could definitely use a drink.

Harm accepted the glass from his CO and took a sip. It was the good stuff; it carried heat but also went down silky smooth. "Thank you, sir."

Both of the men finished their drinks and sat in silence for a moment longer before the admiral prompted him again.

"So, Harm…what finally changed?"

Harm felt his face heat up in a blush. The night they'd begun working on their deal was one of his most cherished memories. He'd made love to her that night, even if she didn't know it, and as he felt her body respond beneath him, he knew she was making love to him too. Unfortunately, she didn't know that either.

Harm could remember it all like it was yesterday. He'd stepped into her office one day and noticed the "My First Computer" sitting innocently on a chair. She'd told him it was for little AJ's fifth birthday, and immediately his imagination had run wild. He saw pregnant women everywhere and suddenly being around Mac was awkward. Had she meant anything when she'd said AJ's fifth birthday was coming up instead of his fourth? Was she thinking about their baby deal? Did she want to up the timetable?

Did he want to up the timetable? Was that why he imagined all of his female coworkers with child? Because he wanted to see Mac carrying his?

He'd finally come clean with her and told her why he'd been acting so funny around her. She'd asked him why he hadn't asked her about her slip up with little AJ's age, and he'd followed that by stumbling around and giving her non-answers. She'd accused him of not wanting to know the answer…or maybe he was afraid she wanted to up the timetable…

He'd denied that, but then asked her if she did, in fact, want a baby one year sooner than the original deal. She denied that and they'd laughed together when she'd told him he was 'funny'.

He didn't know at that point that she'd gone home after work and cried, confused and hurt by his apparent worry about fulfilling their deal. She'd almost released him from it, even. Instead, she'd taken a long hot bath and gone to bed early, not knowing that fate still had other plans for her…

Flashback…

Harm paced around his apartment. His conversation with Mac that afternoon had left him unsettled. He'd initially been relieved she seemed to want to keep the original five-year term; he wasn't ready to be a father and all that…but then he got sad. Really sad. He loved her, he knew that now, but maybe she didn't want to ever be tied to him so irrevocably. Sharing a child meant they would always be in each other's life, but maybe that was too much…

He almost called her right then to ask why she didn't want him, then realized that would be ridiculous. This was about a baby, not a relationship.

But was that all it was? As he'd stood by her on the steps of JAG watching Harriet and her new baby being driven away in an ambulance, he'd been struck about how melancholy she'd looked. He'd felt such a wave of love for her, and before he knew it, the infamous 'baby deal' was born. He'd managed to fuck everything up since—the flying, the throwing her into Mic Brumby's arms…maybe it was time he stopped fucking up. He should march right over there and tell her he wanted to start making babies together. He wanted to marry her.

And suddenly, without him realizing how it had happened, he was in his Lexus, speeding toward Mac's apartment at three in the morning.

She answered the door after he'd pounded on it for several minutes, feeling like an ass for every one of those sixty-second spans, but dammit she needed to answer! He knew she was there; her car was in the lot, so there was no excuse for her to leave him hanging out here. Of course, perhaps he should have called first…he raised his fist to knock again, but then the door flew open and he almost tipped forward.

At first, he couldn't speak when he saw her. She was so unbelievably beautiful, with her mussed hair, full lips, and sad eyes.

Wait…

Sad eyes? Why was she sad? Who had made her sad? He would kill them. God, he was losing it.

"Harm?" she said sleepily, and he noticed then that her eyes were a little puffy and she looked tired.

Well, of course she looks tired, you dolt! You woke her up at—

"Harm? It's oh-three-thirteen in the morning!"

Yeah, you woke her up at "oh-three-thirteen in the morning." The inane thought came to him that saying "oh-three-thirteen in the morning" was rather redundant, and he wished someone would smack some sense into him.

"Harm?" she asked again. "What's wrong?" She put her hand on his arm and started to pull him in, but he resisted. He had to get this out and get it out now. He opened his mouth…

"I want to up the timetable."

"What?"

"I want to up the timetable on our deal."

"But—"

"I want us to have that baby, Mac. Now."

End Chapter 3