A/N: Woohoo! After two years I'm returning to this story. I've thought about it a lot over that time, and it keeps becoming a deeper story. Sure, it deals with a serious topic, but I keep thinking of more things I need to say, more about Harm and Mac's relationship that needs to be explored. I've actually written some stuff for later in the story—of course it is going to end happily, but I tell you, this story, even though I wrote the words, makes me tear up more than any of my others. I know, duh, it's pretty sad, but damn. It'll get better, though.

Crash

Chapter 8: Hold Me

1018 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

Present Day…

Harm looked over at Admiral Chegwidden, who sat glaring at him, his eyes like steel as they stared him down.

"Sir?"

Finally, the admiral looked away, running his hand over his bald pate in obvious frustration. Harm started to squirm, knowing the admiral expected him to explain himself, but he really had no real explanation other than "because I'm an idiot."

"I was an idiot, sir."

"I'd say so…well, what happened next?"

Harm chuckled softly. "Ah, what happened next…"

Flashback…

Harm stood outside Mac's apartment, wondering how long he should wait before knocking again. He'd already knocked twice and he was considering breaking down the door. Well, he really wouldn't do that; no sense in getting himself arrested and jailed before his child was even born.

His child…

He still couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that he was going to be a father…if the baby's mother would let him.

He'd really done it this time.

After his outburst in the ER, Mac had asked the doctor to give them a moment. The young man obviously had no problem with that; Mac's steely tone left no doubt that she was furious, and he was apparently smart enough to know an angry marine was a dangerous marine. Once the doctor left, Mac had turned to him, a fire in her eyes that still only barely concealed her deep hurt.

"Mac…" He'd already known he'd royally screwed up. Mac would never sleep with someone else when she was trying to have a baby with him. That first pregnancy test was obviously wrong.

"Don't. Don't say anything. I'm going to let you stay for the ultrasound because I won't deny you the chance to see your, yes, your, child. Then, we are going to go back to the hotel, and I don't want to see you until we leave for the airport, and when I do have to see you, don't you dare say a word. Do you understand me?"

"Mac…"

"I said, do…you…understand…me." Her voice was hard and her eyes could have lasered a hole in his chest.

Harm gulped. "Ye…ah, yes."

"Okay, then. Go tell them I'm ready and then come back here. And do not, I repeat, do not touch me."

"Yes, Mac."

A few minutes later, the ultrasound tech came in, rolling a heavy machine behind her. She tucked a towel in the waistband of Mac's uniform pants, then squeezed a light blue gel onto Mac's stomach.

And then…then, Harm saw the most beautiful thing in the world. There was his child, with arms, legs, and tiny hands, wriggling on the screen, stretching and kicking and absolutely perfect…and he had already ruined the moment. Mac was eleven weeks along, which apparently meant she'd actually conceived nine weeks ago…

During the most wonderful weekend of his life…

"Oh, Maaac…"

But Mac didn't acknowledge him. She was obviously moved by the sight of her baby, but because of his stupidity and jealousy, he was unable to share this moment with her. He couldn't hold her hand as they looked at the ultrasound screen together, couldn't marvel at the perfect little being they'd created, and certainly couldn't tell Mac he loved her for giving him this gift. Tears filled his eyes, but it wasn't just over the sight of his child, it was over the loss of the child's mother. She'd never want to have anything to do with him now.

After the ultrasound was completed along with Mac's IV fluids, she was discharged with a prescription for prenatal vitamins and iron as she was a bit anemic. Harm wanted to get them filled immediately but she'd held up her finger and given him a short shake of her head when he'd suggested it. Instead, he drove her back to her hotel, then went back to the base and completed their investigation. The next day, they flew home, Mac having managed to switch seats with someone so she wouldn't have to be near him.

Other than a terse "bye" as she'd gotten into her own cab at the airport, she hadn't spoken a word to him since the ER.

Harm decided after another week of silence that he couldn't take any more of this. Risking bodily harm, he drove to her apartment…and now here he was, pounding on her door.

"Mac, come on, open up. I know you're in there," he called after another round of knocking. "You have to talk to me sometime."

"No, I don't!"

Harm jumped, not expecting her to sound so close. He wondered how long she'd been standing there by the door, listening to him. "Maaac! Come on! It's my baby too!"

At that the door whipped open and Harm found himself stumbling into Mac's apartment.

"Your baby? Your baby?!" Mac slammed her door and advanced on him. "Are you sure, Harm? Sure I wasn't sleeping with some sailor out there? Maybe that's why I was so tired. I was up all night fu—"

"Mac! Stop. Stop. I'm sorry. It—it just slipped out. I didn't mean it…I was just so shocked…I mean, that test was negative and you and I haven't been together since—"

"Since? So, you just assumed—"

"No, Mac. No!"

"Dammit, Harm! I'm going to throw up."

"Don't you think you're being a little dramatic there, Mac?"

"No, Harm. I'm going to throw up!" With that, she turned and practically sprinted to the bathroom, Harm, hot on her heels. She barely made it to the toilet before she started retching into it. He supposed she wouldn't appreciate it, but he held her hair back. When she finished, he sat down beside her and rubbed her back until she told him "don't" and tried to move away from him.

"Mac…come on. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I was so worried about you when you fainted, I was terrified something was horribly wrong with you and when there wasn't something bad…I was so relieved that I got stupid."

"What?"

"Um, I got stu—"

"No, I know what you said…it just didn't make any damn sense."

Harm got rather indignant. He thought he'd been pretty clear. "I told you I was worried!"

"So, you accused me of sleeping around?"

Harm sighed. He was making a royal mess of this. "Mac…I really am sorry. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I knew I was being an idiot, but you didn't give me a chance to apologize."

"You didn't even try to apologize."

"Because you told me not to talk!"

"That's never stopped you before."

With a frustrated huff, Harm lowered himself to lie on his back. Mac followed suit and the two lay head to head, staring at the ceiling for several long seconds. Finally, Harm rolled up on his side and rested his hand on her lower belly. He could actually feel a subtle roundness there and it made his heart flutter. "Mac, I really am sorry." He watched Mac stare up at her bathroom ceiling for a few heartbeats, her eyes filling with tears.

"I know," she whispered.

"And I'll do anything to make it up to you."

"I know that too."

"So, what do you want me to do?"

Mac blinked a few times, the tears slowly sliding down toward her ears. "Can you…can you just hold me?"

She didn't have to ask him twice. He sat up, pulling her up with him, and then he had her in his lap. She buried her face in his neck and he held her close as she sniffled, stroking her back and whispering comforting nonsense in her ear. "Oh, Mac…"

"Just so you know," she said, her voice muffled. "I'm only having you do this until I think of some really good way for you to make it up to me."

Harm chuckled. "Fair enough, honey."

"Can I make you some dinner, sweetheart?" Harm asked once they'd returned to the living room.

"Um, just some toast," she replied. "I've been a bit queasy this last week."

"Why didn't you call—oh, right."

"Yeah."

"Mac, I'm sor—"

"I know. I'm sorry too. I should have let you talk." Her eyes filled with tears again. "Dammit! Ever since I found out about the baby, I've been the stereotypical pregnant woman. I'm nauseated, I throw up, I cry. For god's sake, Harm. I cried at a damn Hallmark commercial today. You know the one—the one that was so sickeningly sweet it made me gag? Now I think it's the most touching goddamn commercial I've ever seen!" With that, she burst into tears once again, but this time she started to laugh too almost immediately. "You see?"

"Oh, yeah. It's pretty obvious, Mac."

"Shut up, Harm."

"Are you telling me I can't talk again?"

"Just until you bring my toast."

Harm rolled his eyes. "I'll get on that, Mac."

"I thought I told you not to talk?"

"Shut up, Mac."

Mac giggled. "Is that any way to talk to the mother of your child?"

Harm laughed too, but inside he wanted to…well, he wanted to cry, shout, pick Mac—his Sarah, up and spin her around with joy. Sure, she'd probably vomit on him, but he didn't think he'd even care. Just hearing Mac say she was the mother of his child left him so elated, he wondered if his feet were touching the ground.

Harm and Mac spent the rest of the evening snuggled on the couch, arms around each other, their smiles unstoppable. Oh, sure…Mac teared up a few times, but then so did he, especially when she'd revealed she'd been given a video of the ultrasound she'd had in the ER. She'd put it in her VCR, and finally he was able to have the experience his own stupidity had denied him before. Harm held Mac's hand as they watched their little baby on the screen, and as the video ended, they shared a sweet kiss.

Surely life couldn't get any better.

Present Day…

"So, she forgave you."

Harm nodded at his CO. "Yeah, she did, thank god."

The admiral looked thoughtful for a moment. "It wasn't that long after that you came to me and told me about the baby and that you were getting married."

"Yeah, the next week. And we were married by the next one after that."

Harm thought back to the day they'd said their vows at the courthouse. They'd decided to get married as quickly as possible, and then they'd planned to have a "real" wedding with all their friends and family around their first anniversary. Mac would wear the pretty dress, he'd wear the dress blues, and by then they'd have their little baby to show off too. That plan wasn't something they'd mentioned to anyone else, however.

"You know, Harm. I was pretty pissed at you for that."

"Sir?"

"I guess I just always pictured you two having a military wedding with me walking Mac down the aisle. I was going to do that for her when she was going to marry Brumby."

Harm picked up on the disdain in the admiral's voice when he mentioned Brumby. He wasn't surprised; he'd always suspected Admiral Chegwidden found Mic Brumby a pain in the six and not good enough for Mac just as he had.

"Honestly," his CO continued. "From the moment you two met I assumed I'd either be at your wedding or at Mac's court martial because she'd killed you."

Harm chuckled briefly, but then he sobered. "You know, Admiral. I kinda wish it had been the latter…because I'd give anything not to feel like this."

"I know, son. I know."

Harm checked the clock on the admiral's wall. He'd been in here for over two hours now and he wondered if everyone assumed the admiral had murdered him. He wondered if his wife knew he'd been in Admiral Chegwidden's office this long, or if she'd just closed herself off in her own office near the courtrooms. He could feel that familiar tingle that told him she was still in the building, and he prayed he'd have the strength not to go down there after he finished here. It would only cause trouble if he forced her to be near him, and he did not want to discuss the divorce he'd never give her.

Admiral Chegwidden hung up his phone with an irritated "Thank you, Tiner." He looked over at Harm and rolled his eyes. "Seems like everyone wants a piece of the JAG today."

Harm sat up straighter. "Sir, if you have to—"

"It's fine, Harm. Some things are more important."

Suddenly, Harm felt the all too familiar prickle of tears. He opened his mouth to thank the admiral for his care, but the tightness in his throat kept the words from coming. Chegwidden obviously understood though, for he just nodded and gave Harm a moment to regain his composure.

"So," his CO said after a few minutes. "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Harm gave the older man a sad smile. "It was surprisingly easy. I should have known it was too easy."

Admiral Chegwidden smiled back sympathetically. "Tell me, son."

Harm took a deep breath. "Okay."

End Chapter 8